Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mandaa's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, March 7th, 2001
4:30 pm	message to all the readers..... i have moved back to bedroomdancning. i'm just living in a room with out meaning so, i moved back sorry for the switch up. but i added most my buds to the other list. so go here thank you.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 25th, 2001
8:55 pm	this is the end, this is the end, my friend. of all thats come today and allt hats come to stay. this is the end my friend. i just want to sleep for a year. and let it all go away. i go no where i do nothing i have been in the same place for 16 years. i am the same. i can not change the exterior. i have changed inside a thousand times but outside, i have to be the same for my family to stay sane. i am insane i have nothing left. Current Mood: gone today Current Music: silence (Comment on this)
2:15 pm	of all the arms i could fall in to, i like to sweep across them. i said i'd never stop to let someone stab me again. i mean i don't want to sit down and tell anyone my feelings, and expect something magical to happen. from now on i will keep it coming from the pens. the time has expired, or perhaps i've grown out of flinging myself to them. this sould just end. i wallow in this too much. i need to sew something, i need to make something. i need to finish my book, i need to breath on my own. i need, to breath, on....my...own. i don't need any fucking life narration. i just need a break away. Current Mood: quiet (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 22nd, 2001
9:00 pm	Asphyxiation I am going to croak i will wrap fingers, and press in thumbs around the cylinder of my neck. I am going to scream i will find rope to hold down my force and tie the pillow over my face. I shall breath my last i will tie the plastic tight push it in taking deeper breaths filling lungs with shopping bags. I shall feel the water with my stomach gulping in salty life and lining my veins with microscopic things. I shall be no more i will disreguard all in store and pass on now i am going to croak asphyxiation (Comment on this)
8:43 pm	i want to save my mind. and all i can think of is loosing it. when he's still, his flesh ripples over like flowing water. i can almost hear it's coolness, and little breezes. the bubbling sound comes when he smiles. but when he's so still, he makes me feel like i should be in him. he looks as if he needs to be plugged in. that silence wraps him in silence and perfect. all can calm in an instance. i spread my breath toward him, in hopes to get his attention, his fingers slide over my hand, and glide my hand to his quake-less lips. i shiver once, his warmth entering, grasping my flesh and pulling it upward, pulling it close, making it his. tingles rip over me, shock creeps up my spine. the wiggles of his tongue make my uterus skip.... i have sprouted, bloomed, and wilted under his hands. what shall i ever do to keep my mind from following after you. Current Mood: jubilant (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 20th, 2001
7:35 pm	i tell of all the ways i want to spread you tonight, i feel good. as if i was reborn. i have things that seep into my veins when i am sleeping. and i feel like creations. playing my guitar, who would be surprised? i haven't touched it in 5 years. should i? i have an elvis sensation and robert smith in my ear lobes. everything is like a dream, i guess [i] [c][a][n] [i] [c][a][n] [d][o] [i] [c][a][n] [d][o] [a][n][y][t][h][i][n][g] forever and ever and ever. i lay on the ground sucking the hardwood floors. i wish to write like furnature, and be inanimate objects. and then i was to stand here and scream to you. this is how it goes, i have to think in movies, and relearn to write them as stories, same ideas need to be cross bred, movies/books my fingertips could kill you. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: strange attractions (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 18th, 2001
8:04 pm	what i read for UTGPN.... (to be read in a low, slow voice) LIMBO OF VANITY right and wrong through one heart of your one heart two hands, your hands round hands of your two hands held one another one eye left eye looking back at no eye but your eye, right eye, back at your eye two eyes your eyes some lips, one lip touches your lip, lower lip, licking up your lip upper lip, two lips, your lips. oh, that leg, up down that thigh, right leg, right calf, oh right leg, left leg, that thigh down to the left calf, that leg, oh those two legs, your legs. and up, top, those breasts, yess, that breast, left, white, breast, oh yess, right, round, right breast, the best, those breasts, your breasts. what a reflection, half of half of me, i, i, i, i, it's me, ooohhh yesss, thats right, its allll me. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
7:51 pm	Is there anything beyond my frown. being untouchable, on the edges there i keep glances of what might be inside. when i'm alone. i think about him. and all the others. New, i can find comfort here? is that what i am looking for ? am i looking for anything other than different experiences... little drops of a story plunk around my eyelids and the scene of the sea is stained on the floor around me. elastic. have to be, there is beauty ...i saw you last night, and felt you holding me tight. Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
4:47 pm	return of some pictures...i decided to bring forward. everything can change with in days. i haven't really been here lately. i've been sick. but i read everyone all the time. and it makes me miss myself. so, in the area, i read last week and the week before at the UTGPN, poetry night. it was lovely. and so is the loveliness in people. the movies are coming along. the writing is slow. the health is building. school is retarded, i should work more. my art has come to a halt, and i dream about it at night. ------- fire in your eyes you are wrapped in that blanket attempting to blink out those flashes of heat. i missed you. i miss your smell. and now you've left it in my bedroom, traces of yourself. this is how it goes. and you think i'm happy. its just that i've been drained. ----------- Current Mood: calm (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 26th, 2001
6:06 pm	lots of carrots spinning round my head don't bellllllly out one me. i'm not dying from the fluid behind my ears.... i just attempted to become human again. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 20th, 2001
8:00 pm	like to spend a lot more last nights as tonight i can feel the time slipping by. alone tonight, i'm having the chance to dwell and dip myself into the blissful evening of last night. sweet boy of mine, dresses to make me cum. in black pants and shoes and jacket and tie and a lovely thrift store button up shirt..i was objectivly scatter brained. lovely it is to have two arms not mine around me so much of the time. silence and i feel eternal. there was so much of the night explored by us...i drown in my dreams tonight. is it possible for my every pulse to ache when he's not around. i say lick my lips and you shall find. completely everything the night lights lined up and i could find comfort there. i was comfortable. we actedly like elegant retards....all giggles and games...and lusty eyes i became. but now its quiet, and lone like ink. i've got work to be done, of art and ovarys and bloody birth. a portfolio review tomorrow morning, bright and early in LA. i don't feel too .....ready to get up and run.....mostly because i want to focus on film/photos and get around to playing with my 8mm. but alas, i dream of sweet boy hips.... and end creativity tonight to carry on with the week of finals upcoming.... (i think of seduction in church pues across from school...and all the time i'll have to go out and play with the boy....) Current Mood: calm Current Music: idol.....charmed life (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 14th, 2001
7:23 pm	christopher... life times can slip on by. i drove around the parking lot in giant circles at five mph. and now i'm thinking about how it would be if he and i lived together. that would be awesome. i can imagine. he's asleep in a big bed, with fluffy comforters of white...and pretty sunlight is creeping through the mini blinds. i stand on the end of the bed, and uncover his head, i snap those pictures like he's a movie star. i might as well be the press. moaning, he sits up and rubs his eyes. his every move is followed by the clip of my camera. immediately my knees buckle and he pulls me down. his face above mine, i take one last close up picture. does purity only exist in whiteness? when its cold and rainy on the streets outside our apartment windows, i feel us warm together, staying up late, whispering under the covers. and even later, wrapped in each others arms, listening to the water dripping and pouring from the sky. you know, he impresses me without saying a word. i am impressed by his silence, by his face. he looks so distant, and pleased. you've got cloudy eyes. and i love clouds. it feels so good getting to know you. i'm thirsty for knowledge. i wish you'd tell me everything, anything all time. i imagine us dressing up when we go out. so every time we look weirder and weirder. together. what is it that you've always wanted to do, yourself, and never thought you were any good at it. that's the point i want to show you. you can do anything. but i feel like there's so much i don't know. and i want to know. it's alright. i've become a tad adventurous... i need your inspiration.... Current Mood: full Current Music: remi-zero (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 13th, 2001
9:17 pm	i knew what was going on, he walked in, and hadn't a look to himself. something had gone on, and it might have been something between he and i. after i stayed, and then left, something happened. was i aware? i think it happened while i was there. i was asleep in his bed, he on his couch. what happened? i think the secret was discovered and uncovered, and then a parting that was most uncomfortable in secret. and tonight, i held my breath. trying not to look at something i didn't have. i don't know. this is all too far from my head right now. the filming was done today. i miss my boy. i wonder what he's saying and doing. he's probably out having a good time with his friends. i wonder if he thinks of me. i wonder what he thinks of me. i miss his arms around me. i miss us sitting together, he reading, i writing. silence. lovely. he is lovely. so to you boy, i miss you tonight, when i'm tired. i wish you were here so we could rest together. on the flip side. i am completly drained and not at all looking forward to the school work i have to get done. life is a mess. i feel like shit. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: techhh (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 12th, 2001
10:38 pm	nothing but what's blood who knows where i am a stone angel with butterfly wings, she's got my uterus, and inside, my fetus, i'm just a heartbeat. outside i gasp for art and air, i stick my head out of my own vaginal opening. when i am born, i am a cacoon in silky embrotic fluids. i go through metaphorasis..over the heads of the world. and end up in that headless stone angel with my wings on. i'm bleeding. i am recalling pregnant dreams. and this is the idea of the first in the series of collages...its been started. but i'm still bleeding. blood makes me dream a tad more vividly. and so we confronted the boy, who wanted to help us make our movies, and wanted some sort of collaboration since he heard we are film makers. so when he asked what we're doing, i with my powerful eyes, looked straight at him and said, "we make porn films" rather matter-of-factly. his reaction, step back and a big "whooa". this was all stemming from his uneasiness in the beginning from simply being approched by two females. and then, after his reaction, i simply left, leaving the explaing to dear sam. he'll stay shocked. and i feel infinate. tomrrow we film, tonight i dream, tomorrow i creat. what can i take... i said.."do you want me?" and he thought it was a bit direct. (i'm fit into my groove) Current Mood: artistic Current Music: silence (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 23rd, 2000
2:41 pm	hey you...its like i'm me in front of myself. i kinda miss my keyboard, this one feels like big marshmellows i'm trying to type through. tinyness is on my eyelids... time is wound around me and i have no desire to find the beginning or end. i'm not home, but feel like i haven't one. its that book dear, it's making me into a wanderer. it'll only be perfect if i had you with me. quiet quiet i could forget what my happiness feels like, i'm waiting here for you, you might still be sleeping. beat beat i don't know what to do. Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: moby-inside (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 11th, 2000
10:11 pm	here comes your man "i wanted to see what you're away message says.......let me guess......it says...................poetry" "damn.......more detailed" this is who i'm falling for. and i don't think that awareness has hit him. but..i do. (Comment on this)
10:05 pm	i think i'm fallin in love........ little story books come into my mind, i wish i could fold things neater. i wanted to tell him, i will. he's sweat, a perminate. what the hell...i say mickey...and it jumped my bones. he has a long thick face, and he cropped his hair. he must be. but i'd like to photograph him. i feel relieved i saw him again, i know i wasn't dreaming. so jayson son was subject to my pen tonight for sketch of improve poems. he smelled me and i thought for a second i was looking at myself. sometimes you know i get lost in other people. i don't care if you're reading this because it means nothing to anyone but i. this is public like side walk chalk and i'm the red jesus today, with thorns of crowns of places i;ve sat in highness for too long from today to yes to no and i no longer know what i'm going to do. Current Mood: drained Current Music: tech (Comment on this)
Friday, December 8th, 2000
10:22 pm	again i have the wings taped to my back..i've fled to india..and givin up my revelations..... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 6th, 2000
7:35 pm	better than this here and now on the subject of the soul tonight i suppose.... relish the thoughts of licking tonight. i want to go to bed just so i can touch myself, take all my clothes off...feel the cold bed against my skin..take the heat from my forhead.... and yet... i wish i had someone to just kiss me passionatly everyday. in the back of my mind, i only want it to be you. i feel sick within myself, like melting wax, how sick it feels sliding up and down my throat..mix mix....i'm lonely i guess. the one thing i'd love more than life itself. a single journal of another person. so that i know i'm human, so i can sink somewhere new for a time. i want one to fall into my hands like the never-ending story. i don't care if i know whos it is. i just want to read handwriting other than mmy own for a time. i want to treasure something i didn't make. i feel all by my self here. what would you do if someone just walked up to you and hugged you? this person isn't very close in any physical way, and there seems to be no apparent reason for such an embrace...what would you do if she just wanted to hug you, and she just wanted to feel your arms around her tight...just for the sake of being held. would you hold her, no strings attached...just hold her until she lets go? please. i just want your arms around me. confide in me, i want to be closer to someone, i'm alone again. the iceburg broke this fall. no time for hesitation. i await. Current Mood: scared (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 5th, 2000
8:50 pm	yup, what? there, i have this idea of the fear of the...what if the tiny bones in my ear break? will it sound like the crashing of glass.... but if you're going to cut a citrus tree, how much do you cut at one time? just two sides dear, don't loose my bud growth. one/third of the top can be lost. are you kidding me?!? (silence) ok, i'm coming, right away as soon as tomorrow. a sanke in the sink drain, what's that? we're calling the police for a broken glass in the hall...guess what, mr. body did it. no no, i'm not kidding, they stole my porcelin bathtub and are leaving it in my view, they must think she's blind. well.... it's just that we can't leave them alone, its just that i can't pretend i'm stoned all the time. aren't you scared to death? i keep working late nights, and i'm nocturnal in this smell of more than me. she's like a, she's not 17, but where is her gutsy attitude, sexuality, she's not forgotten the sex on the tip of her tongue. is she dreaming of silent films, like the one in black and browns...with the lusty sweat. i need a calendar to see, to see....the days that slip under my fingers. to record, my period (which i refuse to keep track of, because i always know when its coming), to record what time i live, what time i die. to record, anything. why is it that inside isn't screaming for the organization of previous lives...there isn't any effort to organize chaos. that has always been a dragon, the one flinging its spittle inbetween hypnotizations. oh ohwell, ok...i've got tracks in the front view. that i will, see, it's ok, if you don't have faith. not everyone can dance like george michael. de-scent. fake fake fake....brought to the door step, i'm on the verge of pissing out books of unrelated unimformed nondirectional nothingness and make it sound important. Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)