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LiveJournal for crushie*doodle.
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| Friday, November 1st, 2002 |
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what i want to do in the near future: go back to school (as of yet, my major is undecided, but i have almost all of the required classes, to take except eng. 101 and 102 (taken in high school), and psych. i also want to get a job that i love. not to say i don't have a decent job right now, because it is a decent job, but it's rather boring and i like to be kept busy. but, i'm thinking that it is a very good in for me for who i want to work for: lawyers. i would rather work in criminal law, but solutions @ law rarely, if ever, deal with criminal lawyers. they do deal with some MAJOR law firms in phoenix. i am hoping that i somehow get an in. if jerry, the vp, has to end my job in the near future, my plan is to ask him if he knows of any open positions i could go for, or if he could ask around. so hm, yes, that's the plan. let's hope everything goes well. :D |
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what a nice shower i just had. er, yeah. >;) i'm all squeaky clean and smoooooooth (yay venus razor). *gigles* |
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jsjackso5: I'm like the masturbation fairy or something :-) *giggles* TOLD you he was the horniest man i've ever known! |
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i took a typing test earlier, out of curiousity. 111 wpm, 98% accuracy. hahaha. i'm such a dork. and i know i can 10-key damn fast, but i'm not sure how fast. i'm a whiz at it now. i'll still put 100+ wpm on my resume, just to give me some padding room, since i tend to get nervous when it comes to taking typing tests for prospective employers. and i wonder how fast i type when i'm just typing my thoughts down, and not reading something. i'm afraid to know. i rarely actually write with pens anymore. it's awkard to me. my handwriting is awful. i'd much rather type everything, which is probably why i use this journal so much. |
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who woulda thunk that i would be apart of so much drama? i didn't intend for this to happen. i know that i have some faults, but i also know that i am a good person. i am genuinly nice (although i can't spell!), i do not talk about people behind their backs, and i think i am a good, loyal friend. it takes a LOT to make me dislike someone. i can see the good in everyone. sometimes i am too nice, and sometimes i get stepped on, but i would rather be too nice than mean and cold. i do not push people away. i am trying to start over, trying to find my own friends, and it's quite difficult, especially since i find it difficult to make friends with girls. i'm the the type of girl that can hang with the boys, no problem, but when it comes to girls, i get anxious and have no idea what to say or do. hah! anyway, i've had way too much coffee and i'm all jittery. |
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| Thursday, October 31st, 2002 |
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 jsjackso:D |
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today has certainly been better than yesterday. work was boring. i DID get to leave at 4:15 'cuz there wasn't anything for me to do (well, there was, but the v.p. was really busy, so he offered to let me go home). the only problem is that i'm not really sure if this job will continue on, or if sometime in the near future i will be let go. they are a really small company, and if some new stuff doesn't come in, they may not need me, and i'm under "temp" status, so.. i'm not really sure about this, though. just in case, i need to get my resume together. not tonight. i'm exaughsted. i had ice cream and watched will & grace and hung with pryor. it was nice, just talking and being silly. i will go to sleep with a smile on my face tonight. http://www.calindel.com/ that is jordan. that is his halloween costume. he has a little bandaid on his cheek, like jay z or whatever it is with the bandaid, although you can't really see it in the pictures. i just find it really funny. only jordan! *yawn* |
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work sucks. wanna go home. *sighs* it's been a rough couple of days. i hope that tonight is better. at least i have ice cream waiting in the freezer. :) i want candy. hehe. i bet they will have a huge candy sale at target tomorrow! WOOH! i hope this weekend turns out to be better than yesterday and today. and i need to somehow make some new friends. all i have right now is shawn, who has been really busy with his gf lately (*sniff* i'm not loved! :). and, of course, pryor, and his friends, and hangin' with them is always cool. but, i don't want a repeat when i was with eric. i need friends of my own. so if anyone wants to get to know the REAL me, and wants to especially get past what has been going on since yesterday, then just ask. george and dragon is right down the street from me! *laugh* oh, and, yes, i know i can be melodramatic and whiny on my journal, but it's my journal, and i'm not going to change it for anyone. this isn't for anyone else; this is for me. if you don't like what i read, scroll past or remove me. i may be slightly hurt if you remove me, but i will understand. i need to do a clean-up of my list one of these days, myself. i will probably be removing people i just don't read or don't feel as though i have anything in common with. someday. :) |
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k, i just realized something: why the fuck am i apart of all this drama? *shakes head* i'm sure i seem really lame right now, and i'm sorry. i can have a horrible temper, if you haven't yet realized. perhaps someday i will add her back to my list, but, for now, i need my space. and, barbs, i don't hate you. just right now, i can't take this. i'm trying to stay happy, and things just keep going wrong. this will be the end of all that. sorry for clogging your friend's page. i just didn't have anyone else to talk to, and the one person i thought i could count on last night when all this went down, i couldn't. everyone, have a great day. barbs, i hope that someday soon you and i can be friends again. that's not to say we aren't friends now, but apparantly there is something about me you don't like right now. fine. i am going to go to work and try not to fall asleep at my desk.. |
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oh, now that makes me feel great. apparantly she helped with the list. okay, that's it. all my lame friends are out of my life. i'm tired of dealing with people who care about nothing than themselves. does anyone think about anyone's feelings before they talk shit? ever? you apparantly don't care about me, and i just don't want to deal with it right now. there is too much going on in my life, and i'm not going to deal with people who are mean just to be mean. i did NOTHING WRONG TO YOU. in fact, i was supportive of you, but that doesn't seem to matter. it doesn't seem to matter that although i was basically the only one that understood. somehow i still get slapped in the face for no reason. so whatever. have a great life. i'm done. |
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oh, it's halloween. my plans: nothing. i think i'm going to come home, watch tv, and pass out early. pryor wants to come over, but i dunno about that right now. i'm really fucking tired. i guess we'll have to see how i feel once the day goes on. today at work is gonna blow. at least tomorrow is friday. |
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| Wednesday, October 30th, 2002 |
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the past... i should be sleeping. but i'm not. i'm thinking about the past..about my family. some things have made me think about the past. about my FAMILY. i know i've hinted at it. i know i've hinted at my nutso mom. but..i haven't been that open about it. everything else, i have been. my family? i'm not. except for my father, who i love more than anyone else on the earth. i don't think i'll ever be comfortable telling some of the stories about my family. granted, i didn't have the WORST family. i wasn't raped or abused. but.... there are a few things that are pretty fucking bad. i am open about a lot of personal stuff. a lot. especially on here. except family. i'm not sure what that says, but i am going to go to bed now. today has sucked. i wish i could call in and pretend i'm sick, and just not do anything tomorrow. god, i don't know if i can go through 8 hours of being bored. today was like, fucking horrible. *rubs head* but i can't afford to call in sick. that's $80 i'd be missing. at least i can go in with a hangover and they will just tease me, since it's such a relaxed place to work. now. sleep. i am going to shut the FUCK up. |
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9pm and no call. normally i wouldn't make such a post, but i just..i give up. tonight is not the night to upset me. i just can't handle it tonight. and i really don't fucking care what you think about me anymore. no one. i fucking give up. i try so hard. i get my heart walked on. yet i still keep a happy face. i mean fuck, my family life wasn't exactly cheery, and i've kept a cheery face. if you meet me in real life, i'm never down. ever. i'm always in a good mood. i'm always happy. i'm always agreeable. it seems that the only time i let my real feelings out is when i'm writing. yet i get slapped in the face because of that. why? this is my journal. this is where i let go. for some reason, i let go when i sit down at the keyboard. the only times i feel better are when i'm listening to walking while listening to music and daydreaming, and when i'm reading. i...go somewhere else to be happy. wow, i just kind of realized that. that's what i've always done. living at home wasn't exactly easy, and so i read. i turned to the computer. i walked. i daydreamed. i moved here..and while i was with eric, at least at first, everything was so much better. i had friends. i didn't read anywhere near as much, and i never daydreamed. but then..maybe a little over a year into it..i noticed that i started to daydream again. and then i started to read all the time. and then i started to realize i was unhappy. not like i ever show it, not in real life. but then again, no one seems to care about me, so why am writing this? i haven't been this down in a long time. but at the same time i'm trying to stay positive. i'm trying to tell myself it's because i've been going through so many changes, so quickly. and i know other people have it worse than me. but grr, this is so aggravating. i want to be happy. but shit just keeps happening. besides shawn, everyone i knew so well for two years hates me now. i haven't talked to anyone from that group in over a month. i know eventually it will become six months. than a year. then many years. and i will look back and wonder where they are. and i will miss them then as much as i miss them now. i hate getting so attached to people, but i do. growing up, i didn't have any friends. i was very much a loner. even my "best friend" didn't feel much like a best friend to me, at least for the last few years of high school. i turned to work. i was very much attached to that job. sometimes i wish i would've just stayed in parker and stayed at that job, or moved on to another county job there..because all of this is just so stressful. i know if i decided to move back, i could get a job very easily in the county, and probably for decent enough money to live on my own. i don't want to sound coneited, but everyone there loves me. the captain of the sheriff's office adores me (he was my boss when i worked at the public defender's office). hell, my boss in high school, durann, her husband was second in command to the mayor. and THE boss (The Public Defender) is now the superior court judge. yeah, it's a small town, but i have an in there. :) but i can't move back there. ug. right now, phoenix is bringing me down. i kind of want to get out.. move on. nothing is really keeping me here. there are those that i adore and love, but they are far and few between, especially recently. i just don't know anymore. it's going to get better, won't it? i just moved out, everything sucks right now, but it'll get better. right? but what IS good: my job. so it's boring. i mean, i get excited when i get "special projects" even though they, too, are boring as hell. omg, it bores me to tears sometimes. but it's a GREAT inviornment. the v.p. is kind of annoying and creepy sometimes, but hell, i've had MUCH worse for bosses. the president just plane rules. jordan fucking RULES. i liked him the moment i saw him. we get along great. and the ONE other person that works with me is super cool. he's an older guy, married and with teenage children, probably early 40s, but he's funny and we get along great. my DREAM enviornment. and fuck, it's about to make some major bucks. it fucking kicks ass. and, also that kicks ass: my living situation. i have the PERFECT roommate. was she a gift from God? seriously. she kicks too much ass. while i don't see us becoming best buds (mostly 'cuz we live together), she's funny, smart as hell, totally down to earth and open minded, and we get along great. i love how she has a life, and while we sometimes intermingle, she has her OWN life. and i mine. yes, she rocks. but that's..it. oh and my nephew, but he's back in parker. :(:( i miss him. a HUGE reason why i would NEVER move too far away. i must be able to see him. for some reason..he means SO much to me. god, how i love him. I AM SO going to shut up. i've rambled. but it's helped me to feel better. mmm. i'm in a slightly better mood. kinda sad, but better. and i have to pee. |
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| why are the coolest guys always gay? :D:D | ||
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http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=whirred&itemid;=10430 if anything on that list pisses you off, then by all means remove me from your friend's list. now i'm back to being pissed. at least it keeps the lonelyness out. |
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today fucking sucked. i woke up in a great mood, even if i was really tired. pryor had a job interview near me (yay!), so he came and picked me up and took me to work. that made me happy. :) buuuut, then i was informed of some shit going down on livejournal land, stuff i hadn't had a chance to read. some of you know what's going on, most don't...and right now i don't care to explain it. what i don't get is how people can be so mean, and how other people can be so blinded. for those that know me, or at least THINK you do, am i really as pathetic as he made me seem? but no matter, i didn't deserve that shit. and it's not like my life hasn't been stressful enough as it is. it just keeps piling on. |
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| mornings suck. *blinks* took me for friggin' ever to fall asleep last night. grrr. fucking hate that shit. | ||
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| Tuesday, October 29th, 2002 |
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today has turned out to be pretty good. that 70s show was hilareous. i swear, some day hyde will be mine! a few small things have made me smile. it seems that lately i don't talk about much of the very personal stuff on here. there's stuff i kind of want to talk about, but probably shouldn't. *shrug* i think maybe i rely on this a little too much to get my feelings out. but, i don't exactly have a girlfriend i can call up and get advice from. well, i do have shawn, and he's really good to bitch to and get advice from, and i hope vice versa, but ya know, it's just not the same. :) speaking of shawn, when the fuck are we going to hang out again, boy? oh and i keep hearing things about my..old friends. that makes me kinda sad. it's been 2 months since i moved out. it seems like forever. oh, and some people are really dense. i'm not talking about just one person, either. what is up with the stupid people lately? |
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oh yeah. i forgot. citric = HEART BURN. *falls over* but that's ok, shmirnoff ice is tastey. but i am about to eat some rolaids and DOWN some water. sugar makes me sooooooo thirsty. no more shmirnoff, though, or i might ralf. that wouldn't be good. and the buzz is already gone, since i pretty much DOWNED my spaghetti. p.s. i <3 spaghetti. *burp* |
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i have had one shmirnoff ice, and i'm feeling it. i only drank 2 last night (like i figured, the sugar started to get to me), and i got home and i was like "mmmmm lemon." i haven't yet eaten (water is boiling for spaghetti, which, along with chili, i eat an awful lot!), so that's probably why... *blinks* |
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LiveJournal for crushie*doodle.
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amused.
tired.
pissed off.
okay.