User:	wicked_gravity
Date:	2002-07-24 02:22
Subject:	A CALL TO ALL
Security:	Public

Hey, if you all have any cool pictures of angels, or anything that you think would be good for this story, please, pleasepleaseplease submit them. I'd like this concept to hold more than just text.

Also, if you have any submissions at all, please do send them. this is not the final product, remember, so if there are changes then you can make them.
And if you know of anyone else who might be interested, please do guide them this way.

I'd like to get this going full steam.

A friend of mine, Kao, has built us a website. The link to it is on the info page.

User:	wicked_gravity
Date:	2002-07-24 02:21
Subject:	Peace Time
Security:	Public

In this sad state I sit. Waiting for my time to come. There is to be great chaos before my ascension. Great pain and war that will make this moment in time, this right now, where we go through the motions of war and defending this country against some weak and sorry foe, this will all look as if we have just had a great span of time in perfect peace.
When my war erupts, the blood shall flow and the streets shall become crimson rivers.

But for now I wait.

	User:	angel13
	Date:	2002-07-24 02:41
	Subject:
	Security:	Public

Which Archangel are
you? by Xera

^haha. That's awsome. Beyond belief.

Ok. So. Yeah.

I'm going insane, slowly. maybe not so slowly. But there I am, going insane.

Yesterday was my last night for mellow mushroom kareoke, tomorrow will be my last club night.

People telling me that they will be sad to see me go, but no one showing any real enthusiasm toward the subject. So it's just like leaving tucson.
Is it wrong for me to feel like nobody cares? That no one really gives a shit about me here? I mean, there are two, Eli and Charles. I know that they care. I know that they are truely going to miss me, but the rest of them, they ...

I don't know.


I didn't get out of the apartment until like an hour ago because they shut off the fucking water to the whole complex. Aren't they supposed to have to tell you when they do that? I mean, come on! What if I'd had something truely important to do?

Hm.

This is one of those uninteresting days.

Maybe I'll try to find my way to wal-mart.
I hate hinesville. A lot.

	User:	argentflame
	Date:	2002-07-24 12:14
	Subject:	Oh, god, the things the Kitten and I think up! LJ CONTEST!!!!!!!!
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	mischievous

So!

Some of you already know that in addition to becoming a high school English teacher, I've now also decided to publish romance novels. I've decided on my pseudonym: Fae Kenyon! Oh, don't you dare laugh, don't you dare! ...Okay, it's funny... Okay, yes, I'm laughing too!

Ah, anyway... To commemorate my decision, I'm hosting right here in front of your very eyes, yes, live and direct right from the Fae's Live Journal, the First Annual Romance Short Contest! Oh, god. Come witness the cheesiness. The stomach-turning sappiness. The groan-ness of it all!

Or... OR... If you're VERY brave, ENTER THE CONTEST! Here are the rules.

1)Your submission (emission!?!) must be your own work. Of course, it's copyrighted. I'll hunt down and kill anyone who tries to steal your stuff! Bwa ha!

2)Your submission should have a medieval or Victorian backdrop.

3)You must choose (or hell, go all out and do all of them!) from these scenarios to be eligible to win! Just make sure you say which one you've chosen in the subject line.

(-a-) A sex scene involving hay and a bucket!

(-b-) A sex scene which does not use any direct references to the sexual organs, but rather has to refer to it by saying "manhood" or "seashell" or something foolish like that!

(-c-) A sexual encounter mentioning at least 2 fruits in every paragraph! (note:Yes, sometimes, a man can count as a fruit. Moo ha ha!)

(-d-)Sex with ......"toys"......

(-e-)And last, but certainly not least, sex that doesn't happen on the floor, in a bed, against a wall, or on a couch/sofa. .... Or.... hell, sex that involves ALL of this!

	User:	angel13
	Date:	2002-07-23 04:20
	Subject:
	Security:	Public

So... yeah.

I've gotten so much taken care of lately, it's retarded. I'm feeling all... um. What's that word? Adult.

I went insane temporarily yesterday and poor steve got a taste of that when I called him and said "moo" when he asked who I was calling. Then he hung up on me. Sorry steve.

Last thursday when I was dancing I looked up and saw beth. She was standing there in her little school girl outfit, debating whether she wanted to dance or not. She liked the song but she's never been confidant.... I looked away and looked back and she was still there. I looked away again and tried to ignore that corner of the room, and finally, 10 minutes later, she was gone.

Yeah, I know. You don't have to say it.

But soon, zoe will be here. Soon I'll be introducing her to everyone here. Soon I'll be back in tucson.... um.
damn.

I'm feeling better than I have been the past few days. And it seems I may have something that I need to discuss with Charles.

Eli made me go over to his new apartment yesterday so he could show me how it looks now with all his stuff in it. It's very very cute. He gave me a zombie to take home with me and told me he's decided he's co-dependantly attatched to me. Heehee. That's so cute.


PETE! Your story is finally up in WIcked_Gravity. Heehee. YEay! Kao, yours is up too!
Everyone else, SUBMIT!

Um.

Nothing else... to.... talk about... right now. THAT SUCKS!

I'm going to take adam and tori out to dinner. But. Yeah. That's nothing interesting.

	User:	my31scars
	Date:	2002-07-23 11:56
	Subject:
	Security:	Public
	Music:	Marilyn Manson - Down In The Park

The 666'th entry on my play list is Tool - Prison Sex. At least for now it is.

	User:	my31scars
	Date:	2002-07-23 10:29
	Subject:	I was sitting outside...
	Security:	Public
	Music:	Tool - 4?

...thinking about something my mom said to me yesterday. It was drizzling and raining perty much all day and she said, "God this humidity is killing me, it's like Georgia." (yes M she said Georgia) Anyway, I was thinking about that and about how I was really enjoying the weather, congressly to her feelings about it, and I realized why. It's kinda the same reason I love San Diego so very much, the air is life air. In San Diego, and really anywhere along the west coast, even if you are a couple of miles inland you can still FEEL the ocean if you're attuned to it. It's there, a part of you and all that surrounds it. That's kinda like the air yesterday, while it wasn't the ocean in the air it was just 'wet' but therefor seemed to flow through and was a part of all living things around it. Alive. On the other hand, on a 'normal' Tucson summer day it's just hot, that's it. Just heat slamming you in waves, dead. It's dead air wind or no. It doesn't have the feeling of life as the air did yesterday, as the air on the west coast does.

	User:	my31scars
	Date:	2002-07-23 10:06
	Subject:	Um. . . not really but hey, whatever.
	Security:	Public
	Music:	No Doubt - Don't Speak

Which Recurring Kevin Smith Character Are You? Take the test here

	User:	my31scars
	Date:	2002-07-22 02:18
	Subject:
	Security:	Public
	Music:	Juno Reactor - Feel The Universe

I hide inside
Your shell
Distends from
The sound
My heart roars
Not in your ears
But your soul
Cries out in
Horror
All around us
That sound
My sound
Our sound
Fades the night
Till nothing
Remains
But you
And I
Separate
Alone again
We stand fast
Against the memory
That rips
Our deepest
Secrets away
And forgets
The love
Remembers
The distain
All that's left
Of us

Is

Pain.


::S.M.D. 7/22::

User:	wicked_gravity
Date:	2002-07-22 06:17
Subject:	Witness ~ By James Nealon
Security:	Public

He stood off, not knowing what he was seeing it, but logging each second
in his mind so that he could tell his future generations that he had
been there the day that
the tide had turned. The day that he watched the horror lessen even a
little bit, more importantly, it is the day that he regained his Faith
in God.

It is the day that with tears streaming down his cheeks and deep sobs
racking his chest, that he saw Beauty and Pain combine for the briefest
of moments and create
a creature that his heart only had words for and that his mouth and mind
could never describe.


"So many years ago it has been my son. On a day that I could not forget
if I tried." His son, baffled by the begging of the story, walked
outside to the lush garden his
father had grown since the end of the wars some 25 years before his
birth. He walked back in after sampling the divine summer air.
"Tell me more about that day if you can Father. I would really like to
hear more about the Lady you always speak about.
"I will try son, but forgive me if I lose my voice when i speak of all I
saw that day." The boy nodded and leaned back into his comfortable
position and watched his
fathers eyes get he dreamy look he had become so familiar with.


I was probably about 500 feet away from her when he saw the man who
looked so sick put his hand on her face. He could tell that the man had
been looking for the
girl for a long time by the way that his hand memorized every feature of
her face in an instant.


As soon as the sick man touched the lady, I swear that I saw a spark in
her eye. Not a light reflecting into her eye, but a genuine spark that
somehow was created in
her body. In an instant, I saw her stand there and become light a sun,
a purple sun. Her body emitted this light that was at the same time
both bright and a throbbing
darkness. It seemed to me that her body became the color and it
enveloped her like a cocoon.

She fell to the ground in a seemingly lifeless lump. It is then that
the sobs started from deep within me and the tears began to pour down my
cheeks. The sky
became dark with clouds and the silence was broken with thunder and
lightning.

From the lump came a sound that is impossible to describe. I will tell
you what my eyes saw although my mind says it is not possible. I saw a
woman, a woman like
any other so I thought, I saw her split like a bag of old potatoes. I
saw bones, bones so long and narrow shoot from this space in a matter of
seconds.

A soft feather then fell to the Earth and I heard the Universe shudder
with it's passing. The ending was near.

She stood tall and beautiful, I cannot describe her beauty because there
are no words. If you took a Goddess and a woman and combined them,
there is still more
beauty that you could add to this creature. Her wings, for that is what
I assumed they were, were of black. The man, who during this had looked
like a war torn
child, looked up at her in this state of beautification, the tears
obvious on his cheeks and wept more. She kissed him so softly and he
then went through, at a speed
so fast my eye did not see it all, the hellish agony that she went
through. He stood and a greater servant of Power I have not seen
since. It is then that I knew I was
looking upon messengers of the Lord and I fell flat onto my face and
knew no more.

In my arrogance did I at last see the Beauty of all that I had around
me.

I never saw the end that had approached so close to me that I could
smell it's rank scent.


That second brought to me the all of the desire I would ever need


Then did I fall with my heart strong into the Abyss

I tuck my son away into his bed that the ending of the war has allowed
me to provide for him and the two daughters that came before him. In my
mind worry not
about war, I know that the news tells me the treaties have been signed
and man has entered into a new age. In my heart, I know that it was my
Angel, from afar or
from close up I knew that she had ended that which nearly destroyed all
of man.

"The innocence lost and the beauty betrayed by the subtleties of the
Way" is what I used to say to myself when I doubted what I saw that
day. Now do I know it in
truth.

Still, as I lay here an old man, I pray that she will come to me and and
look upon me as she did her love so many years ago. Not in Lust or
Desire, I am a mere man
and deserve not her attentions. I wish her gaze so that at last, before
I die, I see paradise again.

User:	wicked_gravity
Date:	2002-07-21 06:12
Subject:	Memory ~ by Pete Billingham
Security:	Public

...She had met a boy, someone who she thought she could
spend forever with.

I remember what happened that Friday night six weeks ago with total
clarity. It’s the curse of having a photographic memory, I guess. You
remember everything, good and bad.
What I remember first is boredom. Going nowhere, Same old same old,
every day, and seeing the rest of your life stretched out before you,
each day exactly the same, was always my idea of Hell. And yet there I
was, in my own Hell with no way out. Don’t get me wrong here; I had a
decent job (I suppose. Not the career I always wanted but it paid the
rent), some very good friends, and a relatively cool social life.

But I was lonely.

I’m no oil painting, I’ll admit, but girls just didn’t seem to want to
talk to me. It gets annoying after a while, especially when the memory
of every single blowout is etched into your mind, not to mention your
heart. They eat away at you, taking a little bit more of your confidence
away every time you think about them, until eventually you don’t even
bother because you know it won’t work. It’s a real pisser to be that
lonely, believe me, and I’d been that lonely for quite a long time.
Anyway, that Friday night we’d decided to hit the clubs (again). There
we were, surrounded by the same vacuous crowd of imbeciles we always
found ourselves in the company of; goths, metallers, all jumping to the
same shit they’d jumped to identically last Friday night. As I sat
there, sobriety dripping away to be replaced by a melancholy stupor that
would eventually give way to a thundering hangover, I wondered if
anything would ever change.

That’s when I saw her.

Diaphanous, almost see-through white dress clinging to every curve of
her body (and what a body); long dark tresses falling around her face
(but what a face); green eyes studying her surroundings in the way a
new-born’s eyes take in their first impressions of a new world (and what
eyes); I couldn’t miss her. She was sitting alone in one of the corner
booths more or less opposite me, nursing what appeared to be a cider &
black. I watched her for about ten minutes and in all that time she
never smiled once. That face would have been the most perfect sight in
the world if only it had a smile on it, I remember thinking.
(I believe it was at about this time that I really started to regret
wearing the T-shirt with “Nice boots. Wanna fuck?” written on it)
There was always a chance, of course, that her other half was one of the
fuckwits jumping away to “No Remorse” by Slayer Vs Atari Teenage Riot
(after all, someone who looked like she did had to be taken), I had to
know. Unseen angels’ hands tugged at me to stand up, and before I knew
it I was sitting next to her. Funny, but I can’t actually remember
walking over there at all.
“Hi.”
“Nice shirt” she replied without looking up.
The butterflies in my stomach roared up my digestive tract and hit the
roof of my mouth. She must have noticed me. YES! Spurred on by a deadly
cocktail of alcohol, hope and downright horniness, I silently offered a
prayer to whichever God was on duty that night and decided to carry on.
“You don’t look happy” I quipped. You don’t look happy? Was that really
the best I could do?
“I’m OK” she sighed.
“You don’t look it. You haven’t smiled all night”
Oh, good one. All fucking night? Now she’ll think I’ve been leering at
her for the whole time she’s been here. You total twat.
“Why would that bother you?” she sighed.
I smiled my best winning smile. “Because I hate to see a beautiful woman
unhappy.”
She looked up and in that one perfect instant that comes only once in
every life, no matter how many times you think you’ve experienced it, I
knew I was in love. It was like a car had hit me in the chest; I felt
dizzy and I couldn’t breathe (made a mental note to quit smoking, just
in case. That went right out the window). I couldn’t let this go now. I
knew if I did I’d regret it until the day I died.
“What’s your name?” I enquired.
“Anne.”
“Hello Anne. My name is William, and I’m bored. Pleased to meet you.
Will you please smile for me?” That was more like it. Just the right mix
of laconic boredom and wit. Lovely.
She smiled then she leaned over and kissed me lightly on the cheek.
“You’re sweet.”
And the entire club melted away, leaving me alone in a circle of pure
light. I swear there was suddenly nothing else there but her and me. It
was almost as though an angel from on high had come down to Earth, put a
gun against my head and told me that if I looked away he’d blow my head
off. I tell you, if I could have stayed in that instant forever I would
have. And I was right, by the way. I’d never seen anything as beautiful
as her face was at that moment. I felt like I was the luckiest bastard
on the face of the planet purely because I’d seen it. I knew I would
never see anything more beautiful than that if I lived to be a million.

As I walked her home we talked for a while about the kind of random shit
you talk about in a situation like this. Where she was from (just moved
here from out of town, didn’t seem to want to go into more detail), how
old she was (early twenties; again didn’t elaborate. I didn’t push in
case I looked too… pushy), that sort of shit. We might have walked for
day for all I care; time didn’t seem to exist any more. I did get the
impression that she wasn’t too keen on some of the things I was saying,
but I didn’t press. Maybe I should have done, but I didn’t. Like I said,
I didn’t want to look too pushy. God, what a horrible word that is. It
sounds so stupid, especially now. I get the feeling that if I had
pushed, maybe even got into an argument, I could have saved myself a lot
of trouble. Hell, maybe just saved myself, that would have been enough.
Still, it was a good week while it lasted, I suppose.

…He did not share
the same love that she held.

I’m not really that good at expressing my feelings to anyone I care
about, I never have been. I think that’s what did it. Either way I
fucked up badly. I could have spent the rest of my life blissfully happy
if I’d been able to stay in her embrace forever. Maybe I should have
just shut the fuck up. Maybe I should have been more patient, more
understanding, more sensitive, but I was out of practice. Maybe I should
have just smiled and walked after she kissed me. Maybe even before she
kissed me.

I mean, I’ve been called an opinionated motherfucker before, sure. But
it had never actually hurt. Not like it did when she said it. It was
almost as though I’d shattered an illusion far larger than myself, and
it had mortally wounded her.

You know, this is not as bad as I’d thought it would be. There’s less
pain than I expected, for a start, although the bathwater I’m in is
starting to get a little cold. Or maybe I am; it’s hard to tell now. The
copious amount of vodka I downed earlier is helping, though. I feel all
sort of… well, glowy inside, like I just met the woman of my dream in a
nightclub and asked her to smile for me.
Oh well.
I remember reading a comic when I was a kid, where some guy who could
control dreams was fucking with people’s minds. Come to think of it, I
learnt a lot of cool things from comics, like how to tell people that
you wanted someone gutted full length with instruments of war (as a six
year old, I got some very odd looks from adults when I told them I
wanted my sister gutted in extenso con apparatus belli). I don’t think
they were impressed, really. Anyway, someone in the comic said that if
you were going to slash your wrists, you should do it along your arm,
not across. Is this the last thing I’m going to remember? I hope not;
there must be something else I can think of, surely… something maybe a
little happier, perhaps…
God! I’m so rude, aren’t I? I’ve spent all this time rambling, and I
haven’t even introduced myself.

My name is William, and I’m bleeding to death.

Pleased to meet you.

Will you please smile for me…?

	User:	angel13
	Date:	2002-07-21 01:43
	Subject:
	Security:	Public

Some realizations that I've come to in the past few days:
ACK!
Damn it!
Shit!
Hell!

Ok. To elaborate...
I'm now staying with Charles. It just seemed easier that way. I got all my stuff and stuff and packed and whatnot. Arg. I hate moving. My brain also won;t work.
So I'm there. Still no phone, but oh well. Very soon I be home and stuff.

Micah is too much of a social butterfly for me. I can't get her to sit still and talk for more than 5 minutes. She's far too popular and flirty, and while that's cool and everything I couldn't deal with it. She's a bit of a flake and a little too girly (Ironic, isn't it?) For me. She seems like she would be a good friend, but I could never date her.

Eli... well. I like him a lot. I do. There's just one thing. I started trying to picture him in my future and I can't picture him as anything more than a friend. Someone I hang out with and flirt with, but nothing more.

My life has become a little clearer.

Goals! I do have goals!

Sigh.

Nothing really exciting is going on. This is my last whole week here and charles is out in the feild. I'm at a different library now which doesn't seem to have the same stupid rules as the other one.

Hm.

Can't think of anything else.

Miss everyone. LOve you all.

	User:	news (posted by bradfitz)
	Date:	2002-07-20 10:05
	Subject:	Password security
	Security:	Public

In the past week or so, the number of stolen accounts has been on the rise. The reason is that there are a number of "brute force" programs out there now to sit around for hours, trying to guess an account's password.

So, what did we do to combat it? Three things:

1) We finished our rate-limiting framework and applied it towards failed logins. A brute force program is now severely limited in how fast it can try and guess your password. (Further, we can now see attacks happening in real-time and notify the ISP)

2) We implemented password quality checks throughout the site. When you login, you're now told if your password is easily guessable and tells you to go change it. Also, you can't change your password to something weak, and you can't create a new account with a weak password. We analyzed all the existing passwords, and a pathetic number are trivially brute-forceable. If you see the warning text, please, go change your password.

3) If your account is "hacked" in the future, or already has been, you can delete the hacker's email address, mail the changed password to your old one, and change your password. The trick to this was that there was never a tool for you to delete the hacker's password in the past. There is now: /tools/emailmanage.bml Best, it doesn't let the hacker delete your old email address.


We'll continue to work on improving security. In the meantime, however, don't use "password" for your password. Thanks. :)

	User:	my31scars
	Date:	2002-07-19 11:29
	Subject:
	Security:	Public

I taste a bit like Almonds. Mmm, the taste of almonds - anathema to many with nut allergies, and a bad sign for many more, as my taste is not unlike that of cyanide. Am I good or am I poison? A risky thing to guess about. What Flavour Are You?

	User:	my31scars
	Date:	2002-07-19 10:31
	Subject:	Interesting . . .
	Security:	Public
	Music:	Wolfsheim - I Don't Love You Anymore

I found a digital camera in the closet at work. As it turns out I'm really the only person who can take pictures with it then get the pictures on their 'puter round here. The USB cable is gone and the program to read the 'floppy' that you put the SmartMedia card in doesn't work with XP Professional and there aren't any current updates for it, and of course EVERY computer in the office is running XP (cept the servers but they don't count). But my laptop in all it's glory has this ubber convenient slot on the side of it where you can directly input a SmartMedia card and it'll read the pictures directly. Go me, yeay laptop.

Recently I posted what I consider to actually be a poem (not the rant about Dave committing suicide ::with the pull of a trigger... one::). I didn't get any feedback at all and that's why I almost never post my witting. For some stupid reason if I don't get any kind of response I just assume that no one thought it was good enough to even offer criticism on. As if everyone just kinda sat back and said, 'Fuck I don't even know where to start with this, I guess I just won't say anything.' That is in itself the saddest thing about it really. The fact that I even care rather anyone even reads much less comments on that which I write here is just pathetic. Sometimes I'm more insecure than I'm okay with.

	User:	shadowedmusings
	Date:	2002-07-18 07:10
	Subject:	Okay..
	Security:	Public
	Mood:	amused
	Music:	Sarah.......Touch

I lied..... my public posts continue... but nothing about my life or anyone that is within my heart and soul....
A friend sent this to me today and I laughed! It is so true.. well, about me... maybe not about you!

Dictionary For Arguing With Women

1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up.
(NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
his is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "Five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that".
Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night."
If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead."
Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer.
The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you.
Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"
Dramatically different from "Thanks."
A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you.
It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing" resulting in an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine", you should probably move out.

	User:	angel13
	Date:	2002-07-18 01:23
	Subject:
	Security:	Public

Hi. So yeah.

Phone has been cut off.

Whee.

13 days left until I leave here. Panicing.

Things in head not working right. No. Head not working right.

Whee.

Uh. Yeah. And stuff.

	User:	endofenigma
	Date:	2002-07-17 06:22
	Subject:	Always Alone...
	Security:	Public

Something I wish to deny... to say isn't true... that feeling, cold, empty. Lost in your own thoughts because there is nothing you can share with another of yourself... because it does not hold the same meaning to you, or because they cannot see within it what you do. To speak and see the light in anothers eyes, to show them what is, what isn't, what should be and what must be... something words and expressions seem so lacking in. Try as might... speak until your tongue bleeds... the minds never seem to touch, agreement and nodding of heads, profound thought to counteract or support your own... but what is that without the longing, the feeling, the rage, the burning of their meaning to you? If it is there... how would you know even? Words can be as hollow as they can be powerful...

Actions? Perhaps... but what will drives to action can be not of the same making as your own. As easy a trickery perhaps... but beyond that even. If one does not move to action, it is not always a fault of their will or feelings... merely this place we live in. The worries, the fears, the distractions... piercing that force of mind and passion until the hours dwindle away and you have gotten no closer to the ends. That is perhaps why the world fails to be more than it is... because the action required for it, is sucked away slowly until those who would make change, are forced into the state of the automaton.

I fear very little in life anymore... not death, not pain, not heights, nor spiders... the only things I fear... failure and loneliness (though to fear anything at all, you must fear, fear as well).

Both so debilitating, strong in their effects... prone to crippling the strongest with ease with single strikes, or wearing away until they collapse under the strain of it. Both things which can be warded off, surpressed, screamed defiance at to hold them at bay for that small fraction longer. But they worm their way in eventually... mixing with and linking in memories of the past where they occured, gorging themselves upon them so that each time, they are more terrifying. More easily let to slip in... perhaps until even a single word might open the gateway for them.

But however strong they are... once overcome to the point where you might rise above them, even for a short time... you may feel as if the world is at your call, to be commanded. Where you can see to the ends of everything, where you cannot be touched by anything which can stop you from continuing on with that which you dream of. But they are still there, below the surface, lurking, waiting for a time... be it in a week, a year, a minute... where they might rise up and take you down once more.

Of the two, the one which strikes me most is loneliness. Something I feel, when in a crowd, with my loved ones, with friends... even if they are of a "like mind". The feeling is still there... something I've wondered at constantly... ignoring the only answer which has come to me, disregarding it because it seems so arrogant.

So many see, but do not see, see parts but not the rest, see all but not the details, see everything but that which is branches into...

The universe is what that is. Seeing everything at once, including the branches... the inanimate deity that is creation is what sees it all.

And the universe is physics, possibilities that are endless... probabilities which define what it is experienced... All things flow from it... biology, chemistry, astronomy, life itself... everything. It can all be traced back, cut and sliced and the trail followed until you get to that pine prick (or loop as it were) that is the begining. More loops and you make a proton, electron, neutron depending on how the loops feel. That makes an atom... an atom derived from how the neutrons and protons and electrons sit, who are that way because of the strings. The atom meets another atom and they produce a chemical... and this chemical is from how the atoms are and back to the neutrons and such etc. Going high enough until there were enough chemicals together that they became something more, affected by the atoms around them... making life. And it still falls back down to the strings.

But the strings need not fall in a specific way to make life, there are infinite possibilities to what they can create, different types of life, water, merely stay as a chemical, or an atom, or a string by itself. Infinite possibilities, infinite branches, ifinite chance... but that is where order steps in, leaving the realm open to all possibilities but guiding it with the line of probabilities. Effectively so that one of their kind is not alone perhaps? *chuckles*

But it is the same for everything. Humans included... a word here, changed to a different word and suddenly the whole of existence shifts. Each thing linked, each path a different end, some paths crossing, some following along until there is an fork... so many things that may be, can be, should be. But so much to let the paths fall away to singular, or short, or with no branched.

But who sees that? Some see further, planning to the string of words three strings from now... some see more, see what might occur in strings one and two to make a hundred more branches. But you cannot travel them all... perhaps save in your mind. And that is where the flow begins, one string sought here, followed until another string might be taken... a torrent that must be traversed and quickly altered to ensure you walk that which you wish. But sometimes you fall from it with others help... those who do not see as far. A string here and they assume you are lying when the truth comes in string four... hating you at string six because they never understood string three... stopping you at string twelve because they think they understand and never let you get to string sixteen. Going off on their own strings because you cannot show them what your strings can make when together, when they make music.

A harmony of discord... strife... all because of one little string played wrongly, or never allowed to be played.

Sometimes there is an orchestra at work which makes it so much easier however. One who walks the paths after string one, going as far as he can and then asking if tangent string 5, tangent string 3 or tangent string 6 is correct... able to see all your strings and dance in the music with you because they follow all the branches until you are as one.

But even those who do as above, sometimes decide not to look any further, for an unknown reason stopping themselves before they see the ends. Picking a single line and following it to conclusion instead of keeping themselves open.

Paradoxe... another thing in life which is constant. One might be open and closed at the same time, or merely at different points, on different subjects... we are so selective on that approach or our emotions can be the selectors.

But I ramble, perhaps to incoherency now.

Perhaps it suffices to say... that we are blind, each of us in our own ways, some more than others, some blind only when around another or only when faced with a single thing. And in this blindness... we make others or ourselves alone, cutting each other off from the likeness of understanding until it breeds into more.

It is to wonder then... do we fight together or alone, do we succeed alone or in a team... do we share a dream, or hold it close and run for it without others. And if we share it with others, will it ever be able to be held aloft as "ours".

---------------------
Excerpt - Reveille - Inside out
--
Never more alone than all alone
I don't know where the hell I am
But they say there's a price to pay for asking questions
So I'm guessing and ending up where I began

I never got a second look before now
I was the one that you'd ignore
Now turn yourself inside out
Come on - can you feel me now?
--

Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness
----
Are you listening.
Sing it back.
String from your tether unwinds.
Up and outward (but only) to bind.

I was spinning free
With a little sweet and simple numbing me.

Are you listening?
Sing it back.
Tell me what do I need
When words lose their meaning.

I was spinning free
With a little sweet and simple numbing me.
Yeah, stumble 'til you crawl.
Sinking into sweet uncertainty.

Are you listening.
Are you listening?
If you're listening.
(If you're listening.)
(Are you listening)
Sing it back.
(If you're listening.)
(Are you listening)
I'm still running away.
I won't play your hide and seek game.

I was spinning free
With a little sweet and simple numbing me.
What a dizzy dance.
This sweetness will not be concerned with me.
No the sweetness will not be concerned with.
----

	User:	my31scars
	Date:	2002-07-17 02:18
	Subject:
	Security:	Public
	Music:	Tool - Bottom

When did fate and death strike their bargain?

	User:	news (posted by bradfitz)
	Date:	2002-07-17 12:32
	Subject:	Find a friend...
	Security:	Public

If you have a paid account, you can now find friends who are popular with your friends, but who you do not list yourself:

http://www.livejournal.com/friends/popwithfriends.bml

Props to ellenlouise and evan for the idea, even though they'll probably both give me crap about not using 'whom' a couple times in that first sentence.

Update: Heh, I messed up.... I had my userid hardcoded in there from testing instead of using the $remote user's userid. Try again! :)