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la vache qui rit

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[29 Oct 2002|11:34am]
[ mood | peaceful ]
[ music | Angel - Sarah McLachlan ]

NEVER ANY MORE INCEPTION THAN THIS

I've been there where the bougainvillaea descends
through the lattice roof and the mosaic fountain
splashes sunlight over the lemon leaves. I've been
where the cafe is candlelit and crowded with every-
one looking interested and desirable. And there
in the library I've been when words washed into
brain waves, rapturous as any turquoise tide shaping
a tropical shore. In rain, moonlight, and snow,
you've been there too. So I ask you, how do we
exit this dancefloor gracefully? See the ghosts
gathering, wanting to cut in, changing the music?

- Susan Kinsolving

3 comments|post comment

[28 Oct 2002|02:53am]
[ mood | disgruntled ]
[ music | 1000 Oceans - Tori Amos ]


i should be studying.
i should have been studying all day.
if i want to keep this 4.0 i've got going,
i need to get above a 90% on this midterm tomorrow morning.
but it's Justice & Virtue, a general education course.
it's a ridiculous classic philosophy course
which i would not have taken had i the read the title
instead of just adding it because it was available and fit my schedule.
it's a 100-lvl philosophy course, damn it.
i've taken 300-lvl ones before.
i hate it.
hate hate hate.
i hate every single one of the ancient greeks, too.
them and their "be good" bullshit.
and i need to go to campus early to buy a blue book, wtvr that is.
i assume they are for sale in the bookstore.
so, i have 4.5 hours to study.
i'll probably sleep instead.
because i'll get at least a B on this w/o studying
but... fuck.
i can't do the B thing.
it needs to be an A.
i'm only taking four courses,
i should not get less than an A.
that would be utter testament to my laziness.
i will study now, and get off LJ.
wish me luck.
5 comments|post comment

my favorite quote ever [27 Oct 2002|03:28pm]
[ mood | true ]
[ music | Pure Prairie League - "Amy" ]


"Nine worlds I remember."
-Snorri Sturlson, c. 1200
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[25 Oct 2002|02:23am]
[ mood | delighted ]


i told you that Thor moved out, right?
(i mentioned he moved in, in the first place, right? in like mid august.)
well, he's gone now.
what a relief, really.
i was beginning to hate every minute.
well, not so much hate...
but, i don't know, not enjoy?
and i'd take it out on the whole house
being a total bitch all the time.
"none of this fucking mess is mine!
what's that fucking smell?
your friends all suck, get them the fuck out of my house!
i'm not in the mood tonight.
no, i'm never in the mood.
(yes i know why but it would hurt your feelings to tell you.)"
and life was just overall shit-tay.
so i told him he needed to find a new place to live.

actually, he was the one who wanted to, about a month ago.
but i freaked and convinced him to stay.
even though, at the time, i so desperately wanted him out of my house.
i guess i was just scared of being alone,
even though i know i'm never alone for every long.
and i really wanted to be single,
i love flirting, i love dating, i love random hook ups.
thor living with me was a bad idea in the first place,
and i was opposed to it.
but then the shit went down with his lease,
and so i let him move in.
such a fucking bad idea.
it's like, as soon as you move in with someone,
that's when you should start looking for apartments,
cause moving in with someone means the relationship is just about over.

but now, he's moved out and living with his friend, stuart,
who, like me, lives in a house his parents own,
so he is not in need of a roommate, but people come and go.
so everything worked out.

except a lot of thor's shit is still here,
and he's over here alot.

and we had sex for the first time in like three weeks yesterday,
and i think he's taking it as a sign that we're getting back together
or some shit.

yeah i know, i totally shouldn't lead him on like that.
someone did that to me once,
(the one time i was dumped, had my heart broken)
and even though i loved every minute of post-breakup sex with him,
i now wish it had been a clean break.
it would have been easier for me to get over him.

so, i think i will make it a point to not show thor any affection.
even if i feel like it.
because i'm interested in other people,
and it's just not fair to keep thor's hopes up.

***
i'm going to start buying my own groceries and post-it-ing my name on everything that's mine
cause i'm fucking sick of buying food and not getting a chance to eat any of it.

and i'm going to clean my carpet, christina's fucking cat keeps pissing on it
cause he thinks i'm the one that's not feeding him
little bastard.

i've got a java program due tomorrow (linked lists),
a midterm in Justice&Virtue; (dumbest. class. ever.) on monday,
math homework due monday,
and i have to have read a novel by tomorrow for Gender.
i've started the novel, but it's 2am, i'm not going to finish it.
and i need to think of a thesis for my research paper in that class.
my topic is this.
so far i have A's in all my classes, except Justice, bc we havent had any tests or gotten our first papers back yet,
so i don't know about that class.

i want to get my master's in cs, in artificial intelligence particularly.
maybe i'll go to MIT.
i hear they've got a good cs department out there. :-p

ok, sleepytime.
i'm excited for my date with cute paul tomorrow!
woah, i just realized i never called ryan back..
speaking of cute computery boys that i want to bang.
maybe i'll call him saturday.
or maybe i'll study for my midterm.
hmm... tough decision. :-p

ok, really sleepytime.
i talked to my mom yesterday,
i don't know why speaking with her pisses me off so much.
she's not too incendiary, as people go,
i guess it's just cause she's my mother.
that's why i can't stand her, her voice, her opinions, her admonitions.
it upsets her that i can't stand talking to her.
that upsets me.
upsetness all around.
oh well.

ok, really really sleepytime.
i'm planning on going to every one of my classes tomorrow.
that's why i told thor he couldn't spend the night.

cause i'm going to sleep now.
1 comment|post comment

[25 Oct 2002|01:51am]
[ mood | delighted ]


cute guy at work asked me out.
date tomorrow at the coffeehouse.
he wants my help with a virus he's writing, in assembly.
pretty much all i remember from assembly is
ADD2 X, Y
so this should be amusing.
he'll be shutting off his laptop and making excuses to leave in no time.
:-P
1 comment|post comment

[22 Oct 2002|07:41pm]
[ mood | finding a happy hole ]


the real place.
the comfortable place.
safe.
warm.
unfettered.
impregnable.
still.
dark purple.
quiet.
strong.
accomplished, proud.
i'm trying to make this place.
so i have somewhere to go in my head tonight.
because if i were to lay around in the usual amanda place,
what is normally an unguarded, but unvisited desert island,
i would get torn apart.
the rectangles rectangles rectangles
and the alphabet alphabet alphabet
and the all the strangers wanting directions
would tear this concentrating girl apart.
into little tiny pieces.
it would take weeks to recover, to put myself back together.
maybe serious drug therapy.
to make myself a happy girl once again.
but instead of letting myself be bashed up on the rocks
in this tempestuous brain of mine
i will crawl into my safe dark warm pleased hole.
hide from the alphabet and the VHS tapes and all the fucking questions.
and then later when i have time,
i'll sleep and sleep and sleep
and then the storm will be over
and i'll save my place
for the next rainy day.
3 comments|post comment

[22 Oct 2002|07:21pm]
[ mood | delirious ]


i was in a court in california this morning.
i paid a fine for a speeding ticket.
i have slept only one of the past 48 hours.

a fried chicken leg
with a barbie's head stuck onto the end of the bone
and little tyrannosaurus arms
and palm fronds for legs
came into my room
and prevented me from catching my planned 4 hour nap.
i was angry at it cause it wanted my money.
or, it had someone on the phone who wanted my money.
to buy drugs in bulk and sell them at a jacked up rate.
like the fucking capitalist pig he is.


don't ask me, that's what my brain invented.
my brain is trying to dream.

i should not drive.
i should not go to work.
but i feel bad, just calling in sick, leaving them shortstaffed
esp on a tuesday night, cause its real busy.
so i'll go, and if i fuck shit up too noticeably,
they'll send me home anyway.
then hopefully i can sleep
before class tomorrow.



i was in rocky point this weekend.
paradise.
but troubled by notions socialism;
workers demanding rights or wages or something.
blocked off the highway.
americans couldnt get back to the US of A.
i had to stay an extra day in paradise, poor me.
we came back on monday as soon as possible;
5 a.m.
drove the four hours back to tucson.
i had a paper to write.
i had to turn it in, and run errands.
i went to work.
i got off work at 1:30 a.m., tuesday morning.
i drove to blythe, california.
five hours.
plead guilty.
paid my huge fucking fine.
drove home, delirious.
somehow was able to handle phoenix traffic
on I-10.
proud of self.
then expected a nap before going to work tuesday night.
but the drumstick wouldn't have it.
drumstick kept me up.
so did dancing porthole, botched lipo, and tarantula-leg scripture.
somehow, my mind wouldn't let me go to sleep
even though it was already dreaming.

dreaming awake is so utterly confusing.
abstracts get mixed with objects,
concepts with fruit,
and there's tons of misplaced anger and sadness.
tons; help yourself to another serving.


i wish i lived alone too.
i so wish i lived all by my self.
only my self to clean up after.
no roommates, no roommates' cats and dogs.
no fucking bullshit.
no fucking capitalist brother.

dirty deeds.
done dirt cheap.
dirty deeds.
done dirt cheap.

going to work now.
shelve movies.
help customers.
try not to pay attention to monsters in periphery.
1 comment|post comment

[12 Oct 2002|02:34pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]
[ music | Hooverphonic-Eden - - ]

this woman pretty much sums it up. ( Read more... )

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[21 Sep 2002|10:38pm]
There are 10 kinds of people in this world:
Those who know binary.
Those who don't know binary.









ahahahahahaha!
4 comments|post comment

why i should dance naked but i'm not going to [21 Sep 2002|04:38pm]
[ mood | theoretical ]
[ music | Paula Cole - Feelin Love ]



i got hired
fucking finally
at casa video.
so i'm not going to do the stripper thing.
i'm kind of relieved.
i was chickening out anyway.
it seemed like it would be too taxing on my psyche.
even though i retell myself all the feminist theory
about how women should be proud of their bodies
and be able to flaunt them and use them to make money if they want to
because women's sexuality is NOT dirty.
women should not be ashamed if they like sex.
"good girls don't do that sort of thing"
is a totally unfounded stereotype
used to make girls who do have sex
feel bad about themselves.
and that's not right.
sex is good, good for you, fun,
and it isn't WRONG.
the remnants of puritanism in this country
are what makes people think that sex is not for good girls.
and that sex is for dirty girls.

and my own theories.
the prevailing sentiment about "it's not what people look like, but
what's on the INSIDE that counts!"
so sayeth the kindergarten teachers.
but i was thinking
both your body and your brain are things you're born with.
you can't help it if youre stupid or if you're ugly.
you can't help it if youre smart or if you're good looking.
so why is there this stigma about people who use their bodies to make money?
or about hot girls being stupid, or somehow lesser than the rest of society?
just because you're a rocket scientist
doesn't make you any better than a playboy centerfold.
you were born with your mind, she was born with her body.
so i think
"it's not what people look like that counts, nor is it
what's on the inside. nothing really counts, actually."
that's another reason i wasn't going to hold it against myself
if i had decided to become a nude dancer.

but
even armed with all these rationalizations,
and the prospect of all the fucking $$ i'd make,
i was still scared.
not really that i thought something bad would happen to me,
rape or something, after the show in the parkinglot going to my car,
no, i don't really know what it was exactly.
because i'm totally comfortable with being naked in front of people.
and i love dancing, and i'd love to make money dancing,
i dance all the fking time anyway, often with no clothes,
but still.
there's something about skeezy guys and lesbians
putting money in my garter
that would freak me out.

so i'm taking the path of lesser resistance.
i'm going to work at a nice normal video rental store
for a measly $5.65/hr, 20-30 hrs/week
because it is Much easier than psyching myself up to dance naked for money.

another victory for the man, i guess.
but maybe someday i'll get up the courage to be Bunny or Tawny or Lolita or Cupcake.
maybe after i graduate and can't find a job in programming.
3 comments|post comment

[17 Sep 2002|09:45pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | i'm too sexy ]


what's a good stripper name?
seriously.
22 comments|post comment

cruel world [16 Sep 2002|10:37am]
[ mood | forlorn ]


!$
!koukla
!cigarettes
1 comment|post comment

[14 Sep 2002|02:44pm]
[ mood | agitated ]


koukla might be gone...
she's been missing since 9pm last night.
i will be the saddest girl in the world if my precious kitten is gone.
4 comments|post comment

[14 Sep 2002|02:19am]
[ mood | discontent ]


there are so many places i'd rather be than tucson.
i miss new orleans so much, and i kind of miss nyc,
i even fucking miss dhahran and monterey.
but tucson, man, i still can't believe i'm here.
i'm here FOR GOOD.
or at least for the next three years or so,
until i fucking finish this cs degree.

nobody's cool here.
everybody sucks.
theyre either completely clueless,
in which case theyre no fun to talk to,
or theyre totally pretentious,
and they just piss me off.

we just got back from this party.
it was sort of a house party, in that someone lived there, i think,
but it was this huge high ceilinged flat downtown
above the Grill
and they had a lineup of shitty bands
and an alright dj.
it was fucking packed.
everybody looked cool,
but i felt like a kid on the playground again
i was on the sides and nobody was talking to me.
thor knew a lot of people,
but it was way too loud to introduce.
i'd done ketamine earlier in the night, hoping it'd last til i got to the shindig,
but it didnt.
it was a very sharp high,
up quickly and intensely,
and then down quickly.
but ketamine's cool, no 'down'.
of course i was a ballerina
like i always am
dancing down the street
and everything flowing together
like i'm pulsating driftwood in a river
and i'm 7ft tall.

i don't belong in tucson.
i know i'm just putting in my time here
so that the rest of my life
after this
will seem cooler.
and so i'll have a degree when i leave.


*************
it was probably a bad idea.
even at the time.
2 comments|post comment

[08 Sep 2002|11:39pm]
[ mood | discontent ]
[ music | Forever And Ever, Amen - Randy Travis - Always & Forever ]


anyone out there
who runs OSX
know of any
freeware or gpl
java editing programs?
or any ssh/telnet/terminals?
i can't seem to find any good ones.
7 comments|post comment

instinct [07 Sep 2002|01:43pm]
[ mood | inspired, disenchanted ]
[ music | Weak - Skunk Anansie - ]


you know how right after you watch a movie
and the movie had some deep message
about mankind or the planet or something
and you feel all into it
reflecting on how much you could change your ways
and improve the quality of life for yourself and everyone around you
and you feel all enlightened...

but it only lasts for an hour or so.
then you have math homework to do
and youve got the dog to walk
and the phone to answer
and laundry to put in the dryer
and you're hungry for lunch...
2 comments|post comment

[06 Sep 2002|02:08am]
[ mood | red tape ]


already behind.
fucking windows.
fucking red tape.
guh.
i would elaborate, but you all know exactly how it goes.
the man's keeping me down.

so if we could just get to the kitchen,
rearrange some things,
we could Certainly party with the haitians.
and may i remind you that it does Not say
RSVP
on the statue of liberty.
thank you.

i explained a^2 + b^2 = c^2 today
to a 25 year old.
and its relationship to sohcahtoa.

one of the cats keeps throwing up periodically on my bed.
i never catch them in the act,
so i don't know who's diet to adjust.
i just come home and lo and behold.
a little brown pile of chunks.
gross.
i'm getting sick of washing my blanket every day.

i'm on my period and i hate it.
as usual.
today was the heaviest day,
meaning a change of tampon every two hours.
last night they gave me some various painkillers and muscle relaxants
and i fell asleep at 7:30pm
got too much sleep
thus i'm awake at 2am today
and i can't sleep
and i have to be at school at 8am
to straighten out aforementioned red tape bullshit.

i hate school and i hate my period
and i hate whatever's making my cat throw up.

so ok, my bed is sheetless at the moment,
just a pile of blankets and pillows on the bare matress
because the sheets are still in the dryer.
but what does my boyfriend do when he wants to go to sleep?
go to the dryer and get the sheets and make up the bed before sleeping?
no.
he's on top of the blankets,
so now i can't even put the sheet on without waking him up.
guh, males.

i'm getting a hangover before i even go to sleep.
what a lush.
12 comments|post comment

fuck writing. [29 Aug 2002|01:09pm]
[ mood | fuck writing ]
[ music | cats and dog ripping up $500 ]


so the freshman composition course
that i need to take
is completely busting full of other eager little pupils.
so much so that they won't let me in.

so i am no longer going to be majoring in
computer science and creative writing;
from here on out i'm a straight up, uncut, cs major.

that's kinda depressing me actually.
first of all, every time anything goes wrong with my computer,
i flip out cause i can't fix it.
"i can't even get online, how can i call myself a comp sci major??"
but then i console myself and say
"i'm not a network tech, i'm a programmer.
and anyway, i have writing to fall back on."
but now, alas, i am going to be only one thing.
i am narrowing my area of expertise.
i am making myself even less marketable.
but i will be graduating in 2004 instead of 2007,
which is a good thing.

fuck writing.
3 comments|post comment

[29 Aug 2002|02:09am]

i had a total wacko crazy frustrated episode today
when my IM machine wouldn't log on to the interweb.
but then i called (and after waiting on hold for forty (40) minutes) the nice folks at apple
and they helped me reset the shit i'd fucked up.
i think i understand now, and i think i'll be able to take my computer to school
again tomorrow
and this time successfully plug in to the email.

and my hair artiste paid a visit
i now have, officially, thee coolest hair in tucson.
i'll post pix when i figure out christina's cam.
but until then, i'll describe:
it's platinum blond, shoulder length in the front, sloping up at a 110 degree angle to the back
and the top has small chunks dyed pink and fushia.
and it's naturally curly.
so we had a hair party, cause she did some platinum streaks in her dyed black hair,
and when we were waiting for the color to set,
we sat out in the yard in our towels
watching the badass lightning storm in the east
smoking cigarettes
and playing with my puppydog
and drinking beers.
and now i look really cool!


so i don't have class on tuesdays, and only one class on thursdays.
four classes on mwf.
that is unless i get into this english course i need to take,
that is if i decide to do this creative writing major at all.
it's not looking good.
i can't even get into the freshman writing course
cause it's all full, and cause my AP scores havent been received.
so... that means i'll be another semester behind
so i'd graduate in 07.
naw man, i don't want to be in school that long.
i'm about halfway through the comp sci major, maybe i'll just stick with that.
but but... i love writing, and i want to learn from real college professors.
programming is exciting, satisfying, and it'll pay the bills,
but writing was my first love, my passion.
buh, i don't know what to do.
i guess i'll go to the frsh writing class tomorrow and ask the prof to put me on the waitinglist,
other than that, there's not much i can do.
suggestions anyone?
2 comments|post comment

[27 Aug 2002|08:50pm]
[ music | Track 12 - - ]


guh.
bored.
i wish i could just pick up and move to...
new york city.


oh wait, i already did that.












unamused.









i received a package today from mister duncan.
quite possibly thee weirdest assemblage of items i'd ever found together in a box.
i'm making the 1/3 sodium rice a roni tonight, thank you very much.
(for some reason i can't find it in az, so duncan sent me some.)
i don't understand what the little toy cars were all about, but they're cool i guess.


going to rustle up some grub.
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