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Tuesday, November 12th, 2002
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1:34 am
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freaked the fuck out, man. fuck.
numb, ecstatic, fear, sad, terrified about what i will feel there, along the way, and returning. about what i will face. i want to break down. and let go. picking flowers, wearing party hats, singing the whole time, screaming in the desert, will make me feel so much more relaxed. and myself.
am i doing the right thing?
everything will be ok.
everything will be ok.
tell me everything will be ok.
pray.
do some drugs.
fuck.
be happy.
think of us.
out there.
being ok.
please.
electraluxt@hotmail.com
send me addresses. right now. i'll send you postcards.
fuck.
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| Monday, November 11th, 2002
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5:30 pm - desert sex
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weekend <3
road trip road tripppp...!
cities we will actually stop in: nashville, memphis, oklahoma city, albuquerque, lordsburg, phoenix. and a lot of little cities in between. we will be taking our time. yes. someone want to say hi? then say something!!
dad is not happy with this at all. but i gotta do what i gotta do. live life for myself i guess.
i have to stock up on disguises. secret mission. party city. driving one day as a cowgirl, a mermaid, a spy? sounds fun.
ahhhalkhslkahjlksj.
energy and all that gay new-agey weirdo stuff is fucking great right now. people i have been around lately. we all seem to excited about something. like this is our time. we are a big happy family. everything flows perfectly. conversations, excitement. rrrgh! yum.
current mood:  nervous
current music: NO TIME!!!
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, November 8th, 2002
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12:59 am
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so. i might just end up getting to knoxville, packing up my stuff, and turning right around and driving back here. im so confused about what to do with my cat though. and i dont know if i have the money. does anyone know how much it would cost to drive there to LA? food doesnt cost much because i hate eating on the road and driving and feeling like a slug. i'd probably stock up on bottled water and just eat granola bars or something..er.. and if anyone sees this that can offer a place to stay one night thatd be cool too because im super cheap. :(
i dont know where i'll stay when i get back here but im not worrying about it. if i have to i'll stay with family or sleep on a friend's floor. the thing is, most of my friends already are sleeping on someones floor. or their mom hates me.
and i can just get a job real fast at one of my mom's community places while i look for something better. even though getting jobs through parents feels lame. but i have connections. so thats good too.
so. since that lady hates us and wants us out by the 15th i dont see how itd make sense to stay there (knoxhell) and find another place/room. what is there to wait for? rent. bills. thatd just cost more in the end.
itll be nice.
and im in a band! so i'll actually get to do something with them now. haha.
and yay.
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| Thursday, November 7th, 2002
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2:49 am - julie julie julie do you love me
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so. yeah. i need to leave already. saturday at 8 am.
but i suppose the final decision is that.. i am coming back. to live. as soon as i can. i really dont want to leave at all. but i miss my kitty and i want to hug her..and i need to find a job for a couple of weeks. even though getting a job for a short amount of time like that is lame. or at least sell some things for $ to drive back here. buy a cat carrier. hope she stays calm ? i dont know what else to do. where would i stay? what would i do.. i dont even care. i wish my dad would move back here. i am so bad at keeping up with him when he's far away. we get along good usually, i just have nothing to say on the phone. he needs to go to the doctor already. and i wish these kids would hurry up and get a place so i can visit them all the time. i wish...i wish a lot of things.
ideas ideas.
i saw alicia(r) the other day. she is joining the military, giving music lessons, and says she wants to grow up.
took lots of pictures (of someone) today. ate myself into a candy/sugar coma.
tomorrow i am driving around to schools with my aunt. she is quite intimidating. very preachy. but she knows it. and expressionless.
friday night is disneyland. free. with justin. then im off...
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| Wednesday, November 6th, 2002
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12:34 am
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fridafridafridafridafrida. i cant believe she was a real person. she is like a character in a story book. she is so beautiful and stubborn and wonderful. why cant everyone be admired like that? for those reasons? i want to live a life like that. passionate and real. ooh ahh. everyone just loves her and its so nice. <3lovelovelove.
im an addict and a bad influence to overweight people on diets and people trying to quit habits. im a monstermonstermonster. every minute of the day that i am alone seem to be sleeping, eating, smoking, or drinking even. im so fucking sick of need. need to quit. quit everything. its fucking up my mind, and i never face my life. my mom called me a pig! great.
and im starting to turn inside out and be one of those people. i despise being alone lately. and not being busy. i want to be surrounded by people, and live in a big 24 hour-everything city. i cant stand leaving friends' houses and driving home through dead quiet towns, coming home to an empty house. i get so depressed. i just want to be around people, living, breathing. live with someone. come home to someone sitting around and watching television. we dont even need to talk. i just cant handle this, ive had my fill of it.
but the good news is, ive met people that inspire me and motivate me. and. thats a good thing to feel.
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| Tuesday, November 5th, 2002
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2:26 am
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i am a confused messed up confused messed up confused messed up teenager.
but despite everything, i feel like i am usually happy, grateful, satisfied. at the core.
im craving people and making up these fantasies and ideas in my head that will never happen.
people that are at the same time, same place, same sight, same perspective, same ideas, same dreams.
its unavoidable.
she said she'd fly out, drive back with me. its sounds wonderful. what about the cat? what about the money.
something happened and i ended up rather depressed. indian girls are so pretty...um. im watching some movie called fire, and i just watched y tu mama tambien(good!). by myself. we were supposed to watch them at her place. but she hates anything "ethnic" and she actually seemed serious and its like a peek into some ugly place inside her head that i dont want to see. i know i make jokes about her being like this, but i didnt think it was like THIS. "dont get anything in spanish or i wont watch it. no i wont watch subtitles. no i wont eat indian food. no i dont find him attractive at all, im not into dark skin (its not even dark, and he's gorgeous) no. no.. no. fine just get it, i'll do laundry. fine just get it, i'll sit there and try to respect it" i said nevermind and that it was getting late. i drove home.
just, how ignorant. why would you not want to learn about what other cultures and beautiful things are out there ? and yummy food. all the places there are to travel.
i guess shes just too american. raised on blockbuster movies and velveeta cheese probably.
STILL sometimes i cant believe people... but shes still her. and yeah.
my mom saw these kids eating indian food with their parents. "ew how funny, they like it". i wish my parents had taught me more about other cultures, and made me try weird food. i bet even the food would have helped. there was this little indian girl in elementary, kids made fun of her and said she smelled. i was her friend but i still didnt really understand, or feel comfortable sometimes. ah. i dont know.
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| Monday, November 4th, 2002
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1:02 am - roadkill
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would maybe be some way to describe how i feel when i write in this piece of... open, disgusting, exposed, messy, clumsy, intrigued/ing. cant look. but i do.
i feel so inconsiderate at times because of my fuck it attitude about life. im almost reckless. and selfish. i do what i feel at the moment in the moment. everyone else ends up confused, pissed off, or just something. i try to tie up my loose ends, find answers. but it only opens up more confusion for others. im so stubborn, wanting closure. wanting clarity. wanting to keep my life moving, fast. but..
im feeling like i dont want to leave. even though things are...unbelievably..odd.
im in a band now. i sing. supposedly. they told me i was. only one person plays an instrument. hes..him. hes...interesting. and thats all there is to say. or actually its not? all black wearing psytrance indie rock space out say nothing boys smashing stolen pumpkins we loaded into the car in the street wonderful smells and driving fast and hate and eye contact and admiring the same moments and beauty im actually meeting these people i feel like i can say anything to and i feel like this is the time of life my mom was telling me about. years ago. comfortable silence. flowing conversations.
why, why, and why ?
breathing in heavily. over the sink. lips. cold water. feeling like... looking here and there. wondering...
current mood: soap opera
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 3rd, 2002
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2:28 am - its good
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i saw day of the dead stuff today at olvera street. indian dancers with skull masks, dead couples, frida, diego, incense, altars, love, wonderful. i was lost in it. the fact that i was stoned helped? and i havent been home for days and days. ive been hours away. and things were really intense ? fucked up. nothing is the same. our lives wont be the same. people are suffering and i dont feel like giving a fuck. i am really so happy, and over the whole self loathing, crying, feeling sorry for yourself and doing nothing with your life thing. and i cant relate to it, or sympathize. im cold and stuck up. im not worth coming to for comfort, when you despise yourself. thats bullshit.
"i feel like crying"
"go ahead and cry then. i fucking hate it when people cry"
like. its really not even worth trying to describe.
just everything.
im not curious anymore.
im thinking so much. but ive already had a big girly talk and lots of cigarettes and its all out of me so. yeah.
fuck this.
current mood: indescribable
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| Tuesday, October 29th, 2002
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1:31 pm - hospital
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my mom now uses really big complicated words when she yells at me and argues. does that mean im getting smarter ?
i dont know what to dress up as for halloween.
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| Sunday, October 27th, 2002
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10:14 pm - coke and speed
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what is there to say? i was not impressed.
i think these past couple days have been...perfect. i cant put any of it into words and i dont want to. i feel happy i think. my best girl-friend and my best boy-friend finally met and it went well. marvelous! i love them. its weird when people that know you well in completely different ways.. meet.
its not like theyre just "some people." theyre.. important to me. and just. i dont know. damn.
love, friends, family, pie, my old park at 3 am, drawing in the sand, bushes gone, empty bridges in the dark, new empty freeway. not open yet. that id like to have a picnic on, sunny day, warm concrete, complete silence... getting along with EVERYONE, not being ashamed of my life, no more bullshit, having a great time with people i thought i hated, drinks, beautiful girls, dorky rockstars, cozy tattoo shops, seeing everyone grown up and beautiful, cold slides, being able to spend 24 hours with someone without them hating you, passing out on friends' shoulders when the sun comes up, pictures at 4 am. just everything.
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| Thursday, October 24th, 2002
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2:27 pm
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i have been in a good mood for the most part. it is nice and sunny today. things are just quiet and pleasant. much better than last time. everything is just different. everyone is too.
the show last night was surprisingly comfortable. despite all the fashion, stripes, scarves, ties, slender people, and people with the same exact haircut. i was looking for someone i knew but i realized everyone looked like her. the girls were still hot, but the boys were pale and just plain creepy and i couldnt look at them. i had a good time though and i didnt stand around and hate like i usually do! even though i sound like i did. i watched cute short girls freak out and roll around during the locust. but i mostly wandered around and saw billions of people that i used to know. saw a girl i used to be so jealous of. she was THE artist girl, theres always one of those. and i was just the quiet girl. theres was always just some weird stuff between us, even though we were "friends" ..she ran into me and went "whoah!" (joey) then told me she was going backstage and disappeared. i cant tell what to think about her. i cant tell whether shes being sincere when shes nice to me. i guess she considers me a friend. but she likes to mess with my mind i think, because she thinks she can and knows how i feel sometimes, but i suspect she has some jealousy toward me too and doesnt want to let me know. its so DUMB that way with "creative" girls. why cant we just..? but when she's nice i'll be nice. i just leave everything open and go. i dont trust anyone. but shes a cool kid anyway, for the most part. just two sided.
some guy with a mohawk who was hanging around with all these punk and homeless looking kids yelled my name. it took me a second to recognize him. i guess he finally figured out something that works with his afropuff hair (it was always some new thing) and then ended up "punk". i hope he was hanging out there to look cool, and not because hes homeless or anything.
my moms friend is coming over in a while with a big pile of her clothes from the 70's. to see if i'd like them.
i had 5 normal sodas today and lots of junk food. not good.
i want to see acid mothers temple but thats 21+. that cleopatra thing is tonight but im mad at susan because shes mental and wont be there. what is her deal?!
now what.
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| Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
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12:11 am
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today i went with jill to visit our friend who had a baby a year ago. she is younger than i am. i had never seen her baby. he has a little mullet, and he hates me. he cried when i said hi to him. he was so cute though. babies!
"jill, we're old! we're driving and taking cupcakes to our friends and visiting their babies!"
it was odd because it didnt seem odd at all...
jill made me belated birthday cupcakes, too.
i like her because for some reason we always just get along. even though im a quiet person and shes a..not quiet person. a lot of people might say to her "why do you say/ do/ bla that?" but i just sigh because i know thats her. ive known her since 6th grade. whenever i have been away and come back, i have less and less to say to my friends because im not the same person they are used to knowing. but no matter how much i change and get into my own things that no one understands, she still makes me laugh and i never feel awkward. even though we're completely different.
driving with her was fun. i kept doing everything wrong and setting off the alarm and it was scary but she said it was cute. we were driving through the mexican ghetto at 9 pm trying to get to second street, and all of the sudden it started looking like toon-town on acid with all these little bubbly bright trees that looked like candy and bright colors and big SUSHI signs. really deserted.. and i thought "what the hell is happening?!!" then we realized we were on the set of cat in the hat. i need to go back there! that was so weird! i thought they had just remodeled and the world had gone insane and it was supposed to be that way.
then i bought cds. and ran into some guy she knows that i remember meeting a billion years ago. except he was dorky and had long hair and hung out with this fat kid that liked sisters of mercy. now hes in a noise band and wears corduroy suit things. ok.
tomorrow: international noise poop and the locust. should be ok. i want to go to that electroclash tour too. party. a bunch of other shows, but theyre 21+. being 18 is quite useless.
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| Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
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4:25 pm
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oh my god ..gross..ew.. i just checked the voice mail here to see if anyone had called. some creepy guy left a message for my mom "hey uh this is so and so, we met at the hacienda. you seemed like a charming person and i just called to see how you were doing, and basically give you a hard time. heh. cause i thought giving you a hard time might be a good thing. uhhuh heh heh huh.. bye"
GROSS. plus, i thought she had a boyfriend. from what ive heard he sucks too and i dont really have a desire to meet him. whats with these lame guys. theyre gross and old and creepy and uninteresting. listen to disco and read health books. why cant she date nice, masculine, cultured guys with good taste? or be a lesbian?!
anyway, i am here. in claremont. and im going to see jill in a minute and eat fudge.
i saw a girl that looked, talked, sounded like pretty. and was listening to the stooges and saying yeehaw! to her baby. cutest baby ever, too. omg!
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| Friday, October 18th, 2002
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3:57 am - volcanic
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i will be in los angeles in a matter of days. hopefully this time will be a little more interesting than the last.
no $ to go to nc today which pisses me off. a lot. (my fault for being wasteful i suppose) because i'd have gone to see this other show otherwise, too late now. but im not going to be a whiny stupid girl so i'll shut up and forget about it. shit happens.
im mad at my dad for being sick and not going to the doctor. because of $. he can barely even say anything without coughing. hes not getting any better. hopefully its nothing to do with the fact that he's smoked since about the age of twelve.
some guy online was telling me something about "hellhouses?" like a haunted house, but they scare you morally. in pigeon forge, i think. something put on by southern baptists. devils opening coffins then a guy comes out and says something like "hi im tommy, the devil told me i was a homosexual and i died from aids." abortion skits. i'd like to find one of those. sounds disturbing.
i dreamt i had a baby, a blond haired blue eyed baby. i was a good mom, too. then she got stolen, and i cried. i found out that someone on death row had stolen her, and kept her in his cell. he turned out to be a nice (cute) guy. i dragged him in a cage, by a chain, set him in our living room on top of the flying saucer. the end.
current mood: camels r gay
current music: dead side of the moon
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| Monday, October 14th, 2002
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11:51 pm - i waited too long
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i dont even want to talk about today, that would get me nowhere. today is over.
just like im not going to talk about jealousy, that's a useless emotion, too and i dont enjoy running in circles. ask questions, approach, dont just dwell in shit because of something you'll never be or were.
and im not going to talk about the comments i heard. even if they were positive comments in others eyes. im not going to talk about anything.
i have to rethink all of my plans. and as much as it seems silly, in a while, all i will have here is my pretty. (as in, she is all(all?!) i'd miss if i left. besides the country. and itd be cold then. "have" is a bad word to use here, but you know what i mean.) i really do love her. theres much to say but i dont know how. and even then, i still will barely have her. shes even gone right now. otherwise, im getting burnt out on this place and these people i see. and thats all i would have. being a burnout wasnt in my plans anywhere. i have examined myself for 18 years and i want other things to explore now. i dont wanted to get sucked into a bad job and let it be the center of my life and take over me and pull me back inward.. into myself, and some useless rut. i need more. i want to learn, create, ecplore, give out, and keep the wheels in my head spinning. i need sunlight, and soon there wont be much of that either.
i wont tolerate this, i will never go back to where i was. it isnt an option. i'd like to sleep at night, and wake up when the sun comes up. soak up light all day. i'd like for my body to function normally again.
all i want, and need, is my motivation. i have a little. but im not high off of it like i have been. and i dont have much support or enthusiasm from other people about it. but i still keep on.. all i need is to keep things moving. i just have to start thinking about other ways.
i guess it gives me more time for trips, saving up money, and creativity. i'd like to see montana again. montana's nowhere is like no other place i can think of. being alone in it is something else. but i like to forget the past and leave it behind me. i dont like it when places are stained by shitty people that make me want to stay away.
im pretty confused at this point.
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12:31 am
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i am getting motivated to start doing more digital art type of things. i started in 1999 until about 2000 then i stopped right when i started to get the hang of it. and not just that, but in combination with real art and drawings and stuff. i want to print out lots of pictures and art to make lots of things. shh. i wont say what. kinkos is nice. i want a job there.
i plan to go looking around for jobs tomorrow. i want one NOW. but i am waiting until i get back from LA. leaving in a week. but i am getting restless and tired of living off of other people. even if all i buy, honestly, is food+gas. dont want to be picky. i will work anywhere except for mcdonalds or some fast food place. actually, i'd probably even work there just so i can make a few dollars. my mom wants me to visit, and i really do too. i mean shes my MOM and i miss her. being far away really sucks. but i feel so guilty about money all the time... i dont feel like i deserve it. even though she probably (well she should!) wants to see me...
need to go to the high school i went to for a while, tomorrow. talk to my counselor lady because shes nice. i told her i'd call or come by and tell her how im doing, and talk about school. last year. so i need to. im excited to start school. give me art and writing assignments, now!
so this is sort of a reminder to myself.
and my dads birthday is today. i will make a cake. and i will not break it.
im making marble magnets. my hands are turning into magnets. my fingers feel floaty from handling them. weird, like when youre jumping on a trampoline for a long time then jump off and try to jump on the ground. just odd.
current mood: busy
current music: yona kit
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| Sunday, October 13th, 2002
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3:51 am - kill me please, thx. -me.
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i cant sleep. or stop thinking. and evil demons are calling me from out there and bothering me and i wish theyd just go away. leave me alone. i would like to sleep. no time.
i watched some terrible, terrible excuse for a movie called fast sofa. and what the fuck kind of name is that for..anything? ugh. it was just painful. why. natasha lyonne. but this guy was in it and hes dreamy, i think. rar.
god.
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| Saturday, October 12th, 2002
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11:34 pm - mister man
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well, i tried. i tried to go out (or something). watched an ok band play for about 5 minutes. saw that the one person there i sort of knew was busy hitting on a girl and talking about pizza. i dont enjoy sitting around looking like a dejected loser (which im not. i lower my head to avoid constantly staring and criticising) and staring at boring people, so i drove away fast saying grr grrrr i hate you all grr and getting as far away from it as i possibly could. most people arent even worth the time or discomfort i feel when i try to get to know them. most people are just lamebrains. so instead i drove forever into dark nowhere, came back, realized i'd lost all of my phone numbers. so i ate indian food and watched freeway 2 in my nice bed next to my cat. i enjoyed quiet the company of the strangers preparing my dinner for 10 minutes, and the old lady at the gas station handing me my change, more than the company of all the other retarded "kids".
and fuck, any group of people that can be called "kids" or "the kids" are instant lame, ok? i hate them.
i am going to north carolina friday. by myself, most likely. unless someone wants to go. which would be so nice. i also wouldn't have to pay so much for gas, and there would be less of a chance of getting lost. but it will be very nice. whatever happens.
the good news is, i got a shirt with an (arr) pirate at the thrift store. and a yellow shirt with funny looking cartoons that says "life. be in it" which will be fun to wear while im at home watching movies, listening to music, doing crafts, and escaping reality.
dont get me wrong, im not completely socially retarded and lame. i just know where i fit in and where i do not. i'd rather not waste my time. i do like company..but it will just take a while to find the right people. i'd rather be around record store losers, random people i meet, strangers. or just individuals that dont really have a big "group" they relate to. just...eccentrics. ok.
i just get sick of things and learn to know better, fast. i went to clubs for a while when i was 15 (guess i looked older?), with my creepy, old, rotting, at the time "boyfriend". it made me want to vomit all over everyone. and i outgrew and hated it immediately. before i was even old enough. so i know this. why am i doing this. i shouldnt bother.
now that i think of it, i am out of soda.
oh dear...
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| Thursday, October 10th, 2002
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3:06 pm
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i got woken up by a random phone call from some creepy panting guy with a thick accent. asking me what i was doing and if i was watching soap operas. actually, it was just in time for one life to live. i am pretty positive he was jacking off, i could hear it. nice. um. im afraid to shower now because he'll jump out from the ceiling onto me.
car?!! hello. where are you.
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4:45 am - here comes fun.
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uhh i was supposed to go get my poor car today but it did not end up happening. today, i guess.
i have been drawing sort of. here and there. strange. havent drawn in almost a year.
i made some junky things...and..i cooked and it was very not good at all. i forgot what there was to say.
goodnight. and thats all.
current mood: no good i say
current music: ms. pj
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