phew.   
02:56am 09/01/2003
 
mood: relieved
music: awful shit on vh1
Weee, guess who's not pregnant? That's right, ME! Hooray. I know none of you even knew I was worried, but I was worried as hell. As it turns out, that puke-fest I had the morning after the christmas party was not morning sickness like I paranoided myself into thinking, and the extra bulk on my stomach is merely fat. I've never been so happy about fat in my life. But I was definitely freaking out. I was even considering the drink-pennyroyal-tea-till-you-go-into-a-coma option. It was awful for a while, it seemed like everyhwhere I went someone was pregnant or talking about babies or there was a talk show on about "are you my baby-daddy?" or some such thing, which my mind twisted into omens. Do I mend my promiscuous ways after being granted this reprieve? probably not. Although I don't think I'm going to be getting laid for some time, unless french boys are a lot sluttier than I think, so it's something of a non-issue. Erm, amend that. I will not be getting laid for a while unless I'M a lot sluttier than I think. That's probably more realistic. Despite what you might think and what I might say when I've been drinking, I'm not much for the doing someone I just met thing. But the opportunity has never really presented itself in the form of anyone I'm remotely interested in either, so who the fuck even knows. Probably if you get a couple drinks in me and put a nice irish boy in front of me, my reservations will be shot to hell.

Tomorrow:
-get clothes together
-pick up cd from jack's house
-find plug and phone adapters that don't exist anywhere
-deal with file-transferring
-shopping with mummy
-get paycheck
-and apparently excel saga?

I can't believe they've made a movie of that horrible thornberrys show. I think it's one of the worst kids' shows I've ever seen. What the hell ever happened to stuff like Dangermouse and You Can't do that on Television? That was quality children's programming there. And oh my god John Mellencamp is old. And lamer than ever. holy cow. ew. If you've put two and two together you'll know I've just witnessed the horror that is his video for his song on the soundtrack. "I'm gonna watch you shine, gonna watch you grow..." *shudders* ugh. yick. *spits* he should have stopped when having cougar in your name wasn't cool anymore.

I've managed to develop an annoying crush on someone it's no use to have a crush on, because for one thing, I'm leaving, and for another.... well, I'm pretty sure he's not interested. And I know at least five people who would shoot me for it. And he doesn't deserve to have his heart broken. And no, I'm not telling you. I'm going to be all seventh-grade about it. Because nothing will come of it, as am leaving country on sunday. And somehow I don't think he's the two-night-stand type. And so I'm just going to ignore it and hope it goes away.

This would all be a moot point if someone would just deliver Sirius Black to my door already. Sheesh, what good are you people. Can't even get me a fictional ex-con for christmas.
ugh, all crampy. it's my penance I guess.		  
     

(5 deaths | avada kedavra)
 
blather   
03:23am 26/12/2002
 
mood: sleepy
music: merle haggard on tv
Ugh, I quit. I'll just go to fucking radio shack tomorrow. I cannot deal with this fake network-making bullshit. It is not, however, the new computer's fault. It's the old computer's fault. It's an alcoholic satan and that's all there is to it. Humph. I can't wait to use this cd burner. I'll probably make cds for everyone and their damn pet dog. See, you all wished I had better internet access at home.... now I have constant internet access, which translates into me posting anywhere and everywhere every time I have a thought. (this is the bit where everyone on my friends list should quake in fear). Just be happy it's a dialup connection. A cable modem in my bedroom would be the death of us all. Heee, I love this thing. It's all shiny and new, and there's no weird crud between the keys, and it doesn't crash every 20 minutes. Windows XP is a little scary, and I'm not entirely sure what some of these buttons are for, but that's all just technicalities. I'm also pleased to note that it has a decent sized keyboard.
Hm, what else did I get for christmas.... I got this kick-ass devil-julius paul frank watch from my mums, also a pink hoodie I'd been coveting, and some other random things such as socks and soap and candy. James got me this amazing Spock teddy bear, and Lindsey got me this star trek movie box set with fun little starfleet badges. Jack got me the Harry Potter card game, which makes me pretty happy. I think other people should buy it too so I can have someone to play with besides him. But I did trounce him soundly when we played. I thought I wouldn't ever be able to understand such a thing, but that was a misconception. It's ridiculously simple, and apparently very similar to Magic. Holy cow, is Merle Haggard still alive??? He seems to be on my TV. Ashland City cable plays the weirdest shit at 3 in the morning. First it was the japanese dude with the gemstones, now it's random country videos, but they don't seem to suck too much, which surprises me.
I am superduperstinkingrottentired.
mental notes of things to mention later:
gary oldman
the two towers
aragorn in black leather on a flying motorcycle
the dumbledore is evil/lily is a death eater theory
how everyone should email me a lot because I can check my email a lot.
the end.		  
     

(2 deaths | avada kedavra)
 
   
02:52am 26/12/2002
 
mood: ecstatic
music: weird japanese guy on tv auctioning off gemstones
Mua-ha-haaaa! I got a laptop. Tee hee hee. It is Jorge II. Now all I need is a stinkin' serial cable so I can put all my stuff on it. Weeee.		  
     

(avada kedavra)
 
How I was Severus Snaped into submission   
11:17pm 11/12/2002
  ha. My French paper only has to be 7 pages now. Funny, I was probably only going to write 6 anyway....
And I'm pretty sure Disaster-Boy is stalking me. I find no other explanation for someone calling EVERY 30 MINUTES. I've stopped answering the phone. He doesn't leave messages. Just hangs up. So if anyone's calling me from on-campus and I don't pick up, leave a message so I know it's you and not someone with a mohawk and a death wish. Same if you're knocking on my door. Yell at me through it so I know you're not him. I know I'm horrible, but I really haven't bloody well got the time for three tearful confrontations a day. If he could speak to me without crying, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But as it stands now, he can't. I don't know what the fuck he's got to cry about anyway. Inner turmoil I suppose. Maybe it's an emotional maturity thing. I make children cry all the time. So maybe that's why I make him cry, because HE'S A SODDING CHILD!
I slept till 4:30 today. Bad idea. Very bad idea. Oh well. Must forage for chocolate and do.... something useful.		  
     

(1 death | avada kedavra)
 
huge surprise.   
07:16pm 10/12/2002
  potions
Harry Potter: Which Hogwarts professor would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla

the things I do with my time. I am apparently also Voldemort. Of course this all adds up to the fact that I am grouchy, cynical, and possibly have plans for world domination. things all of you knew already.		  
     

(2 deaths | avada kedavra)
 
in which i spiral down into fandom   
08:09am 25/11/2002
 
mood: twitchy
two words: lucius malfoy. meee-ow. highly monumental for my first post in weeks, i know. have been awake for ages. have latin test soon. ugh, my star trek problem has become a harry potter problem. except worse. much much worse. the whole thing's got me positively determined to learn how to knit. uggggh, it's that point in sleep deprivation where things start to move that aren't supposed to. why am i getting brides-of-christ-paper-flashbacks??? hmm. i am thoroughly cracked out. what i feel like, actually, is the same way i felt this one day in 7th grade when chelsea crowell and i took a whole bunch of vivarin. that's precisely it, like i have this need to hop about all over the place and make squeaky sorts of noises. but i won't. i'll just be kind of twitchy for a while, i guess. baah, it seems like a very long time between now and wednesday. and at the same time it seems like not enough time. oh well, i don't suppose it's going to take that much effort to pack up my dirty laundry and throw it in christine's car. but but but visa applications and signatures on things and medical forms and all sorts of other going to france bullshit that needs to get accomplished ideally before i leave on wednesday..... and weeeeeee! i'm fucking going to france. and yeah. and lidia found out it's only 20 euros to take a train from paris to rennes. sweeeet.
how on earth do people without obliging grannies get out of bed, anyway?		  
     

(1 death | avada kedavra)
 
Going forth and doing shit   
02:20am 05/11/2002
 
mood: cold
music: girl next door making odd squeaky noises every now and then
Some day it's been. Ups and downs all over the place. First there was the Latin Crisis, in which I suddenly came to terms with the fact that I am in serious danger of failing the class if I don't do something now. I told Elan about it and instead of just patting my head and telling me it would be okay like most people would, he proceeded to get even more visibly upset than I was and started feeling all sorry for me which only succeeded causing me to storm out of Harkness in a funk. I went home and slept through lunch and anthro to prevent causing physical harm to myself. And then I talked to my latin professor, well, more like broke down crying in his office, and he was the one to finally convince me that it would, indeed, be all right. Provided, of course, I catch up on the ten-odd chapters of material I never really bothered to learn. And I basically have to ace all the tests for the rest of the semester in order to get a B-. I've done harder things. I'm just going to have to make it happen. Even Snape shall not stop me, enticing though he is. But yeah, then on top of all that crap I was steadily allowing my stupid half to convince my smart half that Elan hated me and I'd ruined everything before it had even gotten anywhere... but when I got home from french class there was a sheepish note and a jesus comic stuck to my door. It was extremely cute. However, that boy apologises too much. It wasn't really his place to be apologising in the first place, I'm the one who stormed off for cryin out loud. But all's well that ends well I guess. Or something. During my nap I had this weird dream that I was in france with Jack and my french professor-- except Jack was like my professor's son or something, and the house actually looked more like Robert's house than anything else. I don't remember it all, but there was one bit where I was in a bedroom first pulling on pink and orange polka-dotty socks on over the socks I already had on and then changing shoes multiple times (two pairs being pairs I actually own, the third being a pair of blue snakeskin stiletto-heeled super-pointy-toed half-boots), and there was some song on the radio, but it wasn't a real song. I mean, it was, it had words and music and verses and a chorus and stuff like that, but it was a song that my dream made up. I can't remember how it went, but I remember that in the dream I hoped no one could hear me singing along with such a lame song. And then we were driving this car around someplace that looked suspiciously like the airport parking garage, but we had to leave the car someplace off a dirt road on an embankment or something so we could go in and get this other car out of the garage.... I don't know. I have the dumbest dreams. But this one was incredibly incredibly vivid. I was actually kind of annoyed that I woke up, I wanted to see how it ended. Yeah, that'll be it unless you want to read about my trip to the bookstore and the possibilities thereof. ( the rest of this is purely useless, even to me )		  
     

(1 death | avada kedavra)
 
Not interesting in the slightest   
01:34am 04/11/2002
 
mood: see subject
Halloween. Hmm. Received numerous comments on Malfoy costume from those who knew what it was. Drank a bunch of wine while getting ready with greenity, (who dressed up as her Beetlejuice namesake) then went to Old B party and drank a bunch of whiskey and danced like an eejit. Was practically carried home. Did not feel too well next day. Vowed never to drink again. That lasted until about 6:20 pm on saturday, which was the cocktail party special meal. Rachel made me some really weird but really good drink that was extremely alcoholic. Went to terribly disturbing play. At some point we all managed to get costumed and over to Keep, which was a bloody mob scene. Awful. Many many people on steps moving backwards not forwards. Went to a different party which was out of alcohol and contained sketchy bobby. Decided to go back to Keep, first stopping off at South to get the alcohol we so sorely lacked and put Elan to bed. Keep also out of alcohol, but did not care at that point. Sat in smoking lounge singing horrible horrible versions of drinking songs (and the occasional bit of westside story and that horrible wim-o-weh song) with Vik and Andrew and Lidia. Twas lovely until apparently Deaderick spit in somebody's face and the party got broken up. Ugh. Deaderick. Very very very very glad that sketch-tastic mofo forgot about me. And no, I have not been reading Bridget Jones. Dead Romans don't bother about personal pronouns when they're obvious, so why should I? Ugh, latin. hic, haec, hoc, kill kill kill..... And no, I don't put latin in quite the same category as I put deaderick. At least Latin would only figuratively molest me. Bah. Have date with Marie de France. Really should be in bed already. Rats.		  
     

(1 death | avada kedavra)
 
wizards, wrists, and woes   
03:01am 30/10/2002
 
mood: lazy
I am holding Severus Snape personally responsible for the impending drop in my GPA. perhaps that's irresponsible, but there you have it. My left wrist, I have also deduced, probably contains satan. he's just hanging out in there, poking my carpals with red hot pokers. urrrrrgh. why do i do this to myself? why? still latin and anthro to do, already 3 am. not so good. probably at this point i don't have a hope of going to bed. i could go to bed, but then I'd probably sleep through latin and the whole purpose of staying up will have been defeated. my other option, of course, is not to do my latin, but that just sets me right the fuck up for ben to call on me to translate something i haven't got a bloody clue about. this is actually not snape's fault. this is jointly my job's fault and elan's fault for being in the habit of going to sleep much earlier than I do. oh, fuck it, it's my fault. no, it's snape's fault. brace yourselves for even less coherent entries, coming in a few hours.		  
     

(1 death | avada kedavra)
 
   
02:43am 23/09/2002
  wow, this was starting to look like an all-nighter.... but i guess it's not going to be. i had planned to just finish everything and then use the remaining morning hours for manic, dervish-like cleaning. the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. i'm not even finished with everything. i still have half a page of linguistics homework and a bunch of reading for french and the figuring out of an agenda for my meeting tomorrow. but somehow it will get done tomorrow afternoon. it always does.
::touches eyeball::
::twitches::		  
     

(2 deaths | avada kedavra)
 
   
02:37am 20/09/2002
 
mood: pensive
i swore to myself i would be in bed 30 minutes ago. and i'm not. i actually had a pretty decent evening. robert called me and asked me if i wanted to go to 4th meal. i agreed, against my better judgement.... i knew i would have this stomach ache. but yeah. he brought over a couple of random beers and we drank them and went and ate and made fun of each other and said ridiculous things. and it was.... really good.
it's weird, every time i see him, i forget for just a split second that it's over.
we were so bad for each other in so many ways, but god, i adored that boy. i know i say awful, angry things about him sometimes, i mean he did break my heart after all..... but i miss him. not in that horrible pining way, it's just this little twinge in the pit of my stomach. but it's there. a memory, a fancy, a hope, who knows. but i do know that as i headed home tonight, for the first time in days, i felt content, kind of at peace. just kind of like everything would be okay somehow. that's how he is, i guess. to be around him without tearing your hair out, you have to believe that everything's going to work out, because that's what he relies on. not really in an irresponsible way either. i can't explain the feeling. not quite euphoria.... but something like that. he's just perfectly composed about all the little annoying things in life. i aspire to that.
*sigh*
it'll do me no good to dwell on this.
we'll always have paris, i guess.		  
     

(1 death | avada kedavra)
 
   
05:16am 19/09/2002
  my euphoric rush over the shoes has now vanished and i once again hate everything. except the shoes. why can't i have normal sleeping patterns? why must i go into insane obsessive states that keep me from being able to get up from my computer and get out of whatever weird little internet void i've sucked myself into? but i guess the less i sleep, the easier it is to go to sleep, and the less likely it is that i will have that godawfulfuckinhorrid dream again. and i have to fill out applications and applications and applications and i think lidia isn't speaking to me, can't say i blame her, and german t.a.-boy has yet to resurface and i'm not going to even go into the turmoil in my head centered around everything pertaining to robert and there's other stuff and other stuff and other stuff, the past week has been like one long fucking day, the kind of day that makes me want to starve myself and read sylvia plath on a windowsill. at least i was motivated by something back then. today it's leopold and loeb keeping me up. sick shit, that. everything about it. what they did, why they did it, and the fact that if it had been in a different time that they wouldn't have done it. i saw a picture of leopold at the trial-- one creepylookingmotherfucker. no wonder they all thought he did it at first. but the thing is..... despite the killing, their relationship really intrigues me. which i guess is why i just blew 20 bucks on both movie versions of the story, and a copy of leopold's book he wrote in prison. i'm kind of excited about swoon. it's supposed to be really good from what i read. and i've seen compulsion before. this all started, of course, because i decided to check compulsion (the book) out of the library instead of doing anything useful, and it seemed preferable at that moment to reading full fathom five for the eightyeleventh time. and my fascination with this stuff has made me think a lot about why it interests me. and then my french reading, all about masculinity and shit, i guess it's just fuck with sarah's gender identity week. increasingly i am beginning to realise that i would be more satisfied with being male. i mean i always kind of knew that, but now i'm really really starting to think that. but at the same time i don't want to lose the parts of being female that i actually do enjoy. so i guess maybe i'm both. or neither. like i think that if i had been born with a penis, i would be happy as a bloody clam right now and having loads of fun not doing much differently than i am right now, i still wouldn't mind much about the gender/sex/whathaveyou of my partner, but i would be a boy. but having lived 20 years as a female and identifying as female because for ages it never occurred to me that i had the option of doing otherwise, it would seem really strange to me to just suddenly not be female anymore. i mean maybe if i'd had better shrinks as a kid i wouldn't be female right now. yeah, blame the therapists. always a useful way out. but it's kind of true. like if there had been a book called "top 99 warning signs that your child's second chromosome is incorrect" i'd have been the bloody poster child. gaaaaaaaaaaah. enough. i won't figure it out tonight. i don't have to ever figure it out. so there. i'll invent a new bloody pronoun and you can all use it to refer to me. artie and judd are calling me back. maybe i'll manage to fall asleep reading.  
     

(4 deaths | avada kedavra)
 
   
04:23am 19/09/2002
  i found them i found them i found them i found them i found them i found them!

o god i am not well.		  
     

(1 death | avada kedavra)
 
   
01:13am 15/09/2002
  i apologise to all of you. i apologise for making you have to see me the way i was tonight. i wanted everything bad to get taken out of me; instead everything i encountered just made it all worse. i'm sorry for sticking around as long as i did. i really should have just stayed home in the first place, and i would have if i had known that really nothing was going to make me feel better. you're the only people who have ever cared about me not because they felt they were obligated to, but because they just *did*, because you chose to, and i had to go and make all of your nights miserable. and for that i'm sorry. all i can do is be sorry. i can't promise i will fix myself, and i can't promise that there is anything else that will fix me. the only thing i can say otherwise is that it was nothing personal toward any of you. in fact, you probably knew that. you probably knew what it was about all along, i'm the only one too stupid to see it. i just can't get my fat fucking stupid head out of the past. i'll try to stay out of everyone's way until i can act like a human being again.  
     

(3 deaths | avada kedavra)
 
welcome to bisexuality, captain kirk (yes, harper, i read it)   
03:00am 13/09/2002
 
mood: tired
music: Steve Earle - The Boy Who Never Cried
my head is in that rather unpleasant wanting to fall off sort of state. i blame the romans.
the more i think about the keebler elves, the more they scare me. it was pointed out to me today that the fact that i read critical essays for fun makes me a nerd.
i've decided to go to annapolis on fall break instead of new orleans. i know you must think me insane. as much as i love new orleans, though, i think i would break nikki's head within the first 24 hours of constant companionship and bad comedy. i'd much rather see jack anyway. no one cares about this. but ha, this is not for your benefit. or is it? ugggggghhhh, i just have to get through one more freakin day. then three days of stupor-rific bliss. yeah, jewish holidays.		  
     

(1 death | avada kedavra)
 
Lolita Potter and the magic bean   
04:28am 05/09/2002
 
mood: wired
music: Carter Family - I'm Thinking Tonight of my Blue Eyes
wow, it is so 4 in the morning. i became so thrilled i didn't have to be anywhere unil 3 pm tomorrow (today) i guess I got a little carried away. Is anyone but me frightened by the idea that there is Harry Potter/Snape slash?? That bothers me. a lot. But it exists. And I admit, Snape ain't bad lookin. And Harry will grow up to look like that game show host on meet the geeks. (or is it beat the geeks, i forget) BUT FIRST HE HAS TO GROW UP, PEOPLE! Just because you have magical powers doesn't mean you're not jailbait! I've never read any of this, mind you, so maybe it's all set in the future when harry's all grown up..... but then snape would be old and yucky. unless he's like spock and never ages except in movies. which is probable. Oh, I guess it just doesn't matter. Blame rutabaga and her haikus I guess. Snape just sounds like he belongs in Faulkner anyway.... so maybe it's expected of him to be sexually deviant. I really kind of wish I had seen As I Lay Dying: The Musical.... but maybe not, maybe I would have been the only asshole laughing. I often am. I guess I'll go to bed before this being awake thing gets out of hand. But I'm really not tired. Highly illogical.		  
     

(1 death | avada kedavra)
 
   
02:12pm 04/09/2002
  Got on Harkie waitlist. This is good. 10 people ahead of me, not the greatest, but not bad. Methinks Art History must go. too early, too much read. rats. anthropology time. never mind about entry.  
     

(7 deaths | avada kedavra)
 
   
01:18am 04/09/2002
  i unglued my eyes from the computer screen and looked around and realised I didn't know where I was. just for a second, i had no idea. I could have been in any room in any city. so familiar but so foreign. and so empty. at this point i find not sleeping preferable to sleeping alone. i'm just sitting here staring at a fucking box of chocolates and wondering what the hell it's all supposed to mean. whatever happened to everything being clear-cut and easy? it's like I'm asking what happened to being fourteen, because that's the last time it was like that. it's starting to feel like winter term again. closer but farther away. i don't know. i'm illogical. i apologise. don't read this. i really hate this song. seems more and more i'm content to just sit in silence. and that's all right. wonder what happened to jack. i guess he doesn't have internet yet. talking to him would make it all worse anyway, i'm sure he's slept with two dozen sexually confused pretty-boys by now.
"do not drive, drag or place objects over cord."
sad, that.		  
     

(4 deaths | avada kedavra)
 
kiss me, spock   
01:35am 03/09/2002
 
mood: all of the above
just went into this completely manic state and made a skirt out of some red and white plaid pants. it's slit up both sides, with a zipper on one and safety pins on the other. and a bunch of fluffy tulle stuck onto the back for good measure. you will see me in it tomorrow. long live the handy-stitch. although i discovered much to my dismay that it does not like zippers too well, alas. that's why god made safety pins. it needs something still though. maybe i'll tie a bunch of lace to it. o good god no one cares about me and my skirt but i care because i love it. and maybe you think it's the most god-awful ugly thing you ever saw, but it's one of my children now. meghan would be so proud. i think this one might even merit the cowboy hat. o balls i don't want to work tomorrow. i think i just hate work because i think i'm supposed to. it's not really that bad. i mean i sit there for ages doing whatever i please and i get paid for it. but somehow the idea of going is less than palatable. damn you, no, i'm not going to capitalize. i'm too fucking lazy to use the shift key and that'll just have to be fine with you. i think i have lost my mind this evening.		  
     

(1 death | avada kedavra)
 
biz-nack   
05:50pm 01/09/2002
 
mood: hot
music: david bowie- heathen
Wooooo look, I'm not dead anymore.
I'm not going to bother going over all the details of my summer. If you wish to know them, ask and ye shall receive.
Wow, I really wish these fucking people would get out of my doorway. That would be really nice. Oh hey, they did. Pretty cool.
Um yeah. This was really just my notification to everyone that I'm back in the world. I'll try to catch up on your lives a bit in the coming days, but don't be put out at me if I don't know stuff, it's not like it was only your journal I didn't read for three months. I barely had a chance to check my email a few times a week. Yeah, that's it for now. Time to hang up my christmas lights so i can stop stepping on them.		  
     

(3 deaths | avada kedavra)
 
 
nicomaureen
 
 
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