| wild on -- |
[03 Dec 2002|11:45pm] |
|
someday i will have the chance to wish for wings and i will fly far away and when i get tired perhaps i will come back and realize that i'm not so bad after all.
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| the last cigarette |
[06 Aug 2002|12:08am] |
empty boxes. scattered seeds to be unplanted. i'm all dug up. grrr
lets play sharades and i'll be a lion-ess. you'll never guess that i'm female. masculinity is the quintessence of everything singular unless otherwise stated. and various words in other languages.
hmmm
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| start packing for a life in nowhere |
[02 Aug 2002|11:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the eyeliners - sealed with a kiss |
] |
iwannaPeeYrPants: i've been calling people in the classifieds
iwannaPeeYrPants: but no one has returned my calls yet
iwannaPeeYrPants: and she scared me when she said ASAP
iwannaPeeYrPants: jesus
iwannaPeeYrPants: like i'm a bad person or something
PezAngel01: yea that wasnt too nice of her
PezAngel01: you should put glue in her shampoo or something
iwannaPeeYrPants: LMAO
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| maybe i'd take stevie nick's world, but for someone to want mine??? |
[02 Aug 2002|01:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
if i could, i'd give you my world.... -fleetwood mac |
] |
tonite valerie called and we discussed my fatigue and my potential jaundice via mononucleosis and other symptoms. it was very comforting to hear her voice, as she was my best friend and i miss her insanely. she told me not to go home no matter what because she doesn't want to see me dead. (and i already know this but it is comforting to be reassured and a little less delusional feeling). she is coming home in 2 weeks and i will get to see her for the first time in a year. she's never coming back...here to live...and i wish i could run like that too.
i'm going to have to fight off the atrophy when everyone leaves again.
the few places i called in reference to rooms haven't called me back. i can't let up on this.
one more day of work--later today and i WILL go. and hopefully i wont get fired because i'm hanging on the last limbs of this charlie brown christmas tree.
symptoms to watch for over the next few days:
sore throat
jaundice of skin and eyes
rashes
chills, fever
muscle aches
swollen lymph nodes in neck, pits of arm, and groin area.
if i had some kind of *faith* in something? in what?
is what i want to know.
looking forward to deep religious conversation on the way to wilkes-barre - tomorrow :)
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| all the faces growing in me haven't been feeling human for a while |
[01 Aug 2002|03:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
dead |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
killing heidi |
] |
i tried. i was half way there and my legs gave out on me. i fell on the side of the road and almost got hit by a car. and then i sat there for a few minutes and i cried. and i know this might mean that i get fired. or that i might have to move back in with my family and make my death bed.
i called them, i faced them.
he hit me so hard on my thigh that i can barely stand, and i'm holding ice there as we speak. i'm so sorry if i inconvienienced the marketplace today.
i carry all the bags of sand when the tsunami comes. she carries none because she has a definite place in the world. and as it went from the beginning of time, those with no home were the outcasted and the slaves and the ones who bled to survive and i am one of them, closer every day, and i cannot make excuses for myself.
this is stupid because i can't even see the damn computer screen anymore and i think i need more protein in my diet. i need the time to take care of myself.
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| today i hate me and everything in me and the world that makes me react to me |
[01 Aug 2002|02:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
out of control |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
racing racing racing |
] |
it's true. i'm so much of a fucking ocd/perfectionist that i want to die wheneber i can't do everything just right.
and i can see that it's ridiculous but i can't make it stop.
and i'm in danger.
|
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| havin a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy |
[01 Aug 2002|12:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
come out and play :)
and there I was at fourteen - spinning with my arms out like a scarecrow; walking down monroe to the park, and dancing up madison. With my eyes closed, your feet sounded like a symphony of strings (you picked me up, and whispered: "forever", like a secret in my ear). to smile (like it caused the grass to bend). the warm wind and these memories are gifts that I could never comprehend. i died that day. but something was born inside of me that I cannot explain away. [mineral]
::wishing it was saturday::
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| i called doc joe at the sleepytime inn. |
[01 Aug 2002|12:10am] |
i'm
not
winning.
and i wonder if they're all in on it together.
because people do that to me.
and i've been keeping this under control. this blahblahblah life bullshit.
shut the fuck up and get on with it (<--aquaints herself with inertia)
(i wish i knew where the roots were growing so i could snatch them up out of the dirt and tie them to my ankles and bury myself in the wet and pray.)
i owe so many people emails and phone calls and explanations.
confrontation unravels and hisses and poisons me with it's venomous bite. muhahaha. and i laugh with my pain! always! let's do it again!!!!!
you think i'm fucking kidding! when i almost died at the poolhall the first thing i said when i came to was 'that was cool, i wanna do it again'.
i'm ON the crack. the crack aint got nothin on me!
this was originally going to be somewhat profound but i'm thirsty now and i can barely keep my eyes open and i covet the very moment when i can express independent thought, free of contaminations and distractions and COLLATED DOUBLE SIDED COPIES and superficiality and boisterous punk rock groupies.
you make me look stupid.
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| the exploited |
[28 Jul 2002|10:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
weeeeee |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i hate law tv shows. |
] |
ok, so i'm back from the day. being that it's over.
i decided that i have to ignore the dysfunctional people in my life. and the ignorant comments made about me yesterday involving a certain group of people. i'm so jaded by my "illnesses" as it is; i dont need the social inequieties of others bearing down on me because of it.
it's all so juvenile.
[this is not me]..the things that i would go through..the distance in your eyes...oh no i said too much, havent said enough.
ARGHHHHHHH.
went to drug emporium and this girl that i was in Friends' with last summer, RACHEL SOMETHING OR OTHER recognized me. oh the horror. she was like OMG it changed my life blah blah blah and she kept raving about it and smiling like a sick pig and showing her goofy teeth i was about ready to shoot her with my pepper spray. she wouldnt stop staring at me and then she proceeded to write her number on the drug-emorium-circular and she kept staring and smiling that aweful smile and i was like omg she never really got better...this was ridiculous the way she kept talking and staring and smmiling..."OMG call me!!"
someone please answer me-- is she normal? better? is this how normal people go about...?
?\?
anyhow...
went over mummy's for din-din-chow-time. decided that i prefer the original garden burger as served in restaurants across the country to the original boca burger. hrmph.
there's so much goddamn food over there i couldnt stop eating. i had to say IT"S TIME TO GO!.
my left contact fell out and i went to wash it out with my mom's junk--WELL. it was some crazy DISINFECTANT that is part of her 3 step plan for quasi-blind people with contact lenses and IT BURNED MY EYE. i think my cornia is scratched. i went the rest of the night with one eye involuntarily closed. sheesh.
but on the UPside :) --i smell like freshly bathed puppy. i heart that smell and i dont' care if you think i'm gross--my puppy SMELLS FUCKING AWESOME.
boo.
tomorrow i start a mon-fri 2-9:30 work week. should be called a "work-out" instead. criminey.
(and with this cornia thing i'm probably going to have to wear my glasses for a few days, making myself more nerdily appealing in my staples outfit which--OH FUCK I GOTTA WASH arhghhhhhhhhhhhhh)
you know how it is.
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[28 Jul 2002|06:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
darlin come here, fuck me up to here |
] |
as for me, it's too early to be up, i had to make ryan leave and i'm sad :(
plans for the day: sleeping, coupon cutting, and biking it to drug emporium for pepper spray if it doesnt rain.
and some random FUCK just IMed me:
Horizon192: ah.
Horizon192: i was vegitarian once.
Horizon192: i woke up one morning, had a veggie burger and suddenly thought "wow, i haven't eaten meat in three months!"
Horizon192: later that week i had a double cheese burger.
iwannaPeeYrPants: heh
iwannaPeeYrPants: meat sucks
iwannaPeeYrPants: i've been veg for 7 years
Horizon192: nods. at this point you might get rectal blockage from trying to pass beef through your system since it's been so long.
iwannaPeeYrPants: most likely
Horizon192: nods. that would not bode well. especially with your colon.
Horizon192: it's been on vacation for so long its forgotten how to pass chicken.
Horizon192: i apologize if i've offended you thus far. i just see no point in holding back what's on my mind.
iwannaPeeYrPants: ohhh i'm SOOO offended. dont make me come over there?
bloody fucking weirdo. it's too early in the goddamn morning. last time it was a gay male feminist from berlin. i want crystal meth in my raisin brain.
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| biker chick hXc |
[27 Jul 2002|12:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tori amos - muhammed my friend |
] |
sans the black leather and the motor.
returned my videos to blockbuster 4 mins before noon via jamie's bike. phew! no fines this time guys!
i found where to get pepper spray--drug emporium. so when i get to the check out i realize i dont have my plastic ::frown::
rode all the way back home. mehh. and no i wont go out later because there will be more people on the road and i hate people watching mealmost caused 2 or 7 accidents already.
so perhaps on a sunday. like a tomorrow sunday. because i get done work 9:30 every night this week and i will be needing it (the peppper spray, folks)...at least for piece of mind.
maria and scott went to buffalo ny to drop jamie off at her quintet, where she will be for 2 weeks. which means i have to get my OWN ass out of bed everyday. GOOD FOR ME!! and maria&scott; will be home sometime tomorrow and maria specifically thinks i'm a slut. needless comments directed at me. either they have a hidden video camera around the house or not. can they afford that equiptment? probably not. so if it was at all possible for ryan to come over after work tonite, i would have him.
my therapist would like that i chose the latter because APPARENTLY people dont have all these fucking HIDDEN MOTIVES that i muse over. HA.
and i get this message from LJ: Your password is too easy to guess. It's recommended that you change it, otherwise you risk having your journal hijacked.
--well duh it's probably easy to guess...it's a word. btw, fucking try and "hijack" my journal and i'll knock your teeth out.
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| warped '02 |
[23 Jul 2002|11:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pish posh |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the casualties |
] |
august 9th will be my 5th warped tour... and i'm planning on going: alone, i guess. i don't know what that will be like... but there's no one else like me that i talk to anymore. and i really want to see matt and his band. and i want to continue to half-way live my life the way i had planned...to make me happy :)
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| i'm standing |
[23 Jul 2002|10:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
teary eyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
madonna - with honors |
] |
well apparently people with depression can't handle funerals. even people with depression not related to death.
???
yeah ok, thanks.
*
i havent been talking to many people lately. i've come to the [rightful or ridiculous] conclusion that the only reason people talk to me or include me in things is because they feel bad for me. well pity is the last thing i need. if i just keep myself on the d/l like i have been, people will eventually just forget about my existance.
You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?
well, IT IS.
they think they know so much about me. they think i need to be weened and cooed and burped.
perhaps that's why i get along better with strangers.
strangers love me. they worship me. they think i'm intelligent and wonderful and lovely. strangers justify my Id.
i'm so fucking conceited i'm one giant airbrush.
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| save the last trance |
[23 Jul 2002|09:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
incomplete |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jamie trumpeting |
] |
proxy made me cry last night. ehh, details are interesting but severely lacking will. apparently i'm "intelligent" and able to handle more responsibility, therefore i was exposed to inappropriate dialogue and unnecessary babble.
i think i had a panic attack this morning much like the ones i used to get before going to school last year. and i don't know why :(
ryan and ryan came into work today so at least i got a few hugs :), (from ryan not ryan)
stayed late tonite and did that inventory bit. bitchass. walked home in the rain and picked up my RXs. i am broke again.
budget gourmet ziti is grand. i wanted to save it for my lunch tomorrow, but i couldnt wait and i devoured it a few minutes ago. it's the little things that make me so boring, i swear.
*
he blew the whistle at night while the cocteau twins lulled us to peace and away from the whirling. and then he died and one girl rubs it in my face that she will see him lay to rest; she that never knew the horror. never was told the stories. and i don't know what to think of my "friends" anymore...
*
::must achieve zen::
|
|
| of natural causes |
[21 Jul 2002|11:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
the verb: to be |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sleater-kinney |
] |
the devil, and a thousand advocates. but i am free.
the week. what a week.
spent monday night at ryans'. his new baby sister is super-tiny and i made her cry, further proving my inability to get along with children. although, i looked at her and i caught myself thinking how cute and innocent and impressionable she was... and that i as a woman am capable of creating something like that and influencing it's growth and develpment and personality and i almost thought it would be a good idea...someday.
pretended i was asleep on the train ride back and i didnt have to pay for my ticket which made me super-evily-happy. because septa is the most expensive public transportation on the east coast. and i saw an ad in the metro about U of P doing a research study on rape victims to be compensated $380. so i cut out the ad. got to work just on time.
*
worked 9/10 hour shifts tues, wed, thurs. maybe that doesnt sound too bad, but for me it's a whole lot. running around the copy center in an 85 degree store. being everyone's bitch. mehh.
developed a bad relationship with a *proxy* manager as i like to call her. because i "made her look bad in front of a customer". because she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about EVER. my problem?
*
called out sick fri because i got off the phone with the U of P therapist and i was rather upset. the first question he asked was how old i was: 19. the second was the date i was raped: may 9th. then he went off on these in depth/personal/sensitive questions about the incident and my metal state and etc. after he was done prying into my life he then informed me that they were studying victims who were raped 1 year ago or more. OK, FINE, THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO PRY INTO THE REST OF MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE??? YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT AT THE VERY BEGINNING DICKHEAD.
so i had a panic attack, due to the fact that a lot of memories were out and about, in addition to have been told to a complete stranger who will probably use them in his "study" anyway. FUCKER. so i called work and *PROXY* was there, and i told her i was sick, throwing up sick. and she told me to bring in a doctor's note. so i called my fucking psychiatrist and told him what happened. so he will write me a note which i will have to pick up monday (tomorrow). well, apparently as stated from fellow employees at the mention of this request, a doctor's note is only required for 3 days of absence or more. WELL FUCK HER. I WILL BRING IN A FUCKING DOCTOR"S NOTE AND SMILE CONDESCENDINGLY.
yes.
*
*
worked saturday. this girl amanda at work wants to be my friend. i'm so cool.
ry slept over last night. i love him is all i'm going to say. he's too wonderful to go talking about all over my lame ass journal ;)
*
this morning i read emerson's self-reliance. it makes me happy. i want to be able to quote every single word of that piece and be so naturally elequent as he.
"Speak what you think to-day in words as hard as cannon-balls and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day."
and i finally got a pair of chucks today! could i be breaking free from the forever old "saga de vans"? never ;)
i lit candles and painted the edges of a nifty watch with tim-burton's-a-nightmare-before-christmas like numbers. and i sat, scarved and chilled, browsing the classifieds for a room.
i will not die, ryan promised.
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| 244 no door, no floor |
[14 Jul 2002|10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
suicidal |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bjork - hunter |
] |
that will be my new address.
apparently i learned alot of new things today.
1) in addition to paying the first month's rent with a new apartment, one must also pay a security deposit. thus, to move in will be over 1000 dollars.
2) i will need a co-signer on my lease because i make less than 20k a year. my father will never do this for me.
3) i'm thinking of playing a frank sinatra album on repeat and hanging myself from the shower rod.
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| if flashing, you've been selected. |
[13 Jul 2002|08:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
angsty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
american hi-fi - flavor of the week |
] |
work was assinine. well, let's just say i thought today was sunday and i didn't get up. and they called. and i went in an hour and 15 mins late. if penny was there i swear i would have gotten fired. but jeff was there, so my ass was semi-saved. still, work was assinine. the most irritating people ever expected me to bend over and wipe their ass. well that's funny, i dont play like that so FUCK off. i was ms. model staples posterchild today ;)
i'm pretty much unmotivated to do anything right now. all i can allow myself to do is sleep, but i dont want to. i want to make pretty things. where is my energy?
nobody is home. it's rather depressing that i have no plans tonite. i guess i always leave it up to other people to make plans. that's my problem. i'm too passive. but only in that respect. i'll kick your ass.
yeah, and then i got to listen to all the teeny boppers at work bitch about this and that with their boyfriends and ahh yes so fascinating (i didnt't run out of there when my shift was over, i swear!).
bah. i need a hug. i need i need i need. i have so many needs. at this very minute i need someone to tell me that life is good and that i should get up and create and smile and play loud music and paint and laugh at myself and do laundry and LIVE my fucking life and all that because i'm so wonderful and i deserve to be happy. ::looks around:: there's noone here.
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| and the rest is just gone |
[13 Jul 2002|12:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
dreamy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
guster - parachute |
] |
it's too late. i have to get up super early for work. bah. i attempted to watch ed wood, but i just couldnt focus. i have until tuesday at noon.
bonded with mother today, not too bad. i got to see lilo and stitch! i'm in love with stitch, awww. and i got a lucky bamboo. it's twisty. they say every six months the bamboo farmer turns the growth towards the sun to create the twist effect. hence it took many years for this thing to become twisty. yes, i'm quite fascinated with this single stick of bamboo.
now i want a bonsai. i need to be rich so i can buy beautiful things.
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| cheryl was the foghorn |
[12 Jul 2002|11:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 peaceful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
billy joel - goodnight saigon |
] |
no mullets no mullets rah rah rah! -me, on breaking the chain of metalhead boys
talking to val is good. i'm glad we're talking again. i miss her so. she uses the lawnsheep as a band name when she writes her own stuff in her profile so people dont make fun of her!!!! first i thought it was a real band and i was like HOLY FUCK YOU CANT BE SERIOUS I"M GOING TO KILL THEM FOR STEALING OUR NAME but then i was so touched. long live the lawnsheep!
one of those days u want to crawl back between the sheets and live in ur dreams for they are much better than this patchy reality ---lawnsheep
<3 for memories and poetry and good friends that remember everything
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| phthalates (for anyone who needs a new cause) |
[11 Jul 2002|10:14pm] |
no, it's not another asian workout video. it's deadly.
are your beauty products killing you? - not too pretty
please read the article and check out the website. submit the pre-written letter to the FDA.
thanks ;)
(besides...they fucking test on animals, so let's get this over with already)
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