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Wednesday, April 30th, 2003

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. yadda yadda ..x
Time:3:23 pm.
Mood: hot.
Music:Spine Shank.
today the art club went to carneigi (or however you spell that). i hung out with joelle and karen most of the time. the rest of the time i talked to zach. derrick still isn't talking to me. and i'm talking to murph now for the first time in a while, but he's not saying much. still need to work on matt. i'm not getting very far. but carneigi was pretty fun. i wound up having to buy a whole pizza at pizza hut because they don't sell small ones, and i only ate 2 pieces and i felt like a big cow carring the box out. but it was okay, because joelle had to do the same thing with her nasty veggie pizza. i'd type more about it, but i think i'm going to work on getting murph to talk to me still.

cannoe trip tomorrow!!

omfg. i can can't spell shit today.

Tuesday, April 29th, 2003

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. dalfkjajoei3j i'm bored ..x
Time:3:31 pm.
Mood: bored.
Music:Manson "lamb of god".
today was pretty dull. derrick still isn't talking to me. and that really sucks because tomorrow is the art club field trip and he is the only one in the club that i'm friends with so i'm going to be stuck all by my lonesome. =(
kevin appologized today for being a dick yesterday, but i think the only reason he did was because he didn't want people mad at me. i don't think what he said phased him at all.
and nikki told me today that for prom we are meeting a bunch of people before to eat at undos, and there is 9 of us... because i'm the one w/o a date. pft. i'm k3wl.
saddly... that was my day.

the end.

Monday, April 28th, 2003

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. smile! it's baked apple pie ..x
Time:4:48 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
Music:Trapt.
today was rather interesting. when i got to school kevin stated that he wanted to hook me and andy up. hmm... then i asked him to give matt a note for me since matt ignores me when i try to talk to him. and he got mad at me and blew up at lunch because "he's tired of being used?" or something. in history class derrick wouldn't talk to me. he was too busy staring at kylie's ass and was pissed because i was hurt over what happened yesterday. so things are going great. i'm living a life full of pain and sorrow and my heart is pointing me in a thousand directions, each of which lead to loneliness and tears drained with emptiness.

Sunday, April 27th, 2003

(the children love the show)

Time:5:14 pm.
omfg. i forgot to put in here. a couple of my friends (travis, chad, ron, derrick and maybe someone else that i forgot) are making a fake boyband and they said that i could be in it! lmao. chad said i could be the boyband hoe, like nick carter, and be the one who sleeps with everyone. i'm not going to do that, but i can pretend that i did. lmao. i'm the first chick in a boyband!! yes!

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. "everyone i know goes away in the end" ..x
Time:2:17 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Music:Korn (playing through the self titled album).
i fucking give up. this is pointless. i stopped at derrick's house after work and we went to foodland to get money off of my mom and we seen jess walking out of the door and he fucking took off and ran so he didn't have to confront her. when she left and we had gotten the money we went back towards his house so i could take him home, and she must have turned around somewhere for something and we passed her and he hurried up and ducked. he didn't want her to see him with me. and then he had me drop him off about 2 blocks before his house because he had a bad feeling or something. he said he didn't want to piss anyone off anymore (more like, HER). and he was questioning me if i had talked to corey because jess said i did. wtf would he care? me and corey were friends before this shit started and i've tried to talk to him, yes, but he doesn't talk back. so yeah, it's okay to hurt your friends and be afraid to be seen with them as long as it doesn't piss your ex- off. i guess it's cool to hate the people who treat you good and kiss ass to those who don't.

Saturday, April 26th, 2003

(4 fail to see the anguish in my eyes | the children love the show)

Time:8:45 pm.
Mood: depressed.
yesterday me, andy and sarah went to steuby mall to meet up with goody. of course he brought along about 44398346426235 of his friends, and he was too good to socialize with us so went to go see if tom was home. he wasn't, so we went to st. c mall where we ran into scotty, murph, stephen, some chick that i don't know.... and my matt. they all spoke to me but the chick(naturally, i don't know her but i suddenly hate her) and matt. actually, i was having a convo with scotty and matt was like "come on guys lets go". i'm not sure if it was because i was there or he was really bored. but it broke my heart. i miss him. and he has his mohawk back. and it's full length and pretty and stuff...

... i miss matt.

Monday, April 21st, 2003

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. the feeling of let down ..x
Time:8:17 pm.
Mood: drained.
Music:Senses Fail "stephen".
i just realized yesterday. matt told kevin that the day we got into a fight i hurt him and that's why he wants nothing to do with me. but yesterday i remembered... we made up the day after that. and that was the last time we spoke.

i wish that we didn't have such great times and fond memories. maybe i wouldn't love him so much and wouldn't feel so empty. i miss my matt.

Sunday, April 20th, 2003

(2 fail to see the anguish in my eyes | the children love the show)

Subject:x.. it's the easter beagle! ..x
Time:7:16 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Strapping Young Lad "satans ice cream truck".
you will never know how valuable
something is
until it is gone...

Friday, April 18th, 2003

(the children love the show)

Time:7:38 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Westlife "i don't wanna fight no more".
well, life sucks. i've spent the whole week trying to get matt to talk to me. and he did make a slight attempt to talk to me by seeing if i was online one day, and i wasn't and that was it. he never tried again. -sigh- i just have to realize that the great thing we had is gone... and forever. i'm still so in love with him. and i hate the fact that we split over something so stupid. one little misunderstanding and he didn't want to try to fix it or even understand why we were arguing. and now i do. and it was so stupid. and he's gone and won't even talk to me. i can't sleep anymore. i'm up all hours of the night thinking about him. and my heart is constantly pounding and my nerves are always going at it. i hate this. i love him so much. how can something that was so great end so suddenly and over something so stupid? i just wish he would see that i didn't mean to hurt him and i never would again. and that he's the only thing that matters to me. and i love him. how can i live when everything that i was living for and everything that i adore was all wound up him? i hate this. i'm going crazy!!! i just wish that i had one friend to talk to about this. someone who would understand. i miss matt.. goddamnit.

Tuesday, April 15th, 2003

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. if i had one wish.... ..x
Time:4:35 pm.
Mood:I miss my Matthew.
Music:Kci and JoJo "crazy".
today i made an attempt to talk to matt. i was wishing joelle a happy birthday and he walked by. i quickly yelled his name out, but not to my surprise, he ignored me. he just kept walking both times i yelled it. and i have a big mouth so i know he heard me. he also told tim that he "has nothing to say to me". the more and more i think about this the more and more i realize how much i still love him. and how much of my fault this is. if i would have tried and not got so angry with him, he wouldn't have gone away. and we could possibly have been still together. and i miss him. not only do i miss my relationship with him, i miss my friend. and i know he has no idea how much he means to me, but i really does mean alot. i was so stupid. and i know that he will never be in my arms again, but just having him as my friend and him forgiving me would make me be able to move on and make me the happiest person alive. i won't stop until he talks to me. i can't just give up. not again. not when what we had was so right. and i'm running out of time. he's moving to michigan this summer... i can't slack.

Monday, April 14th, 2003

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. day one ..x
Time:7:56 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:All American Rejects "swing swing".
i finally put my nerves aside and called matt to work things out. he wasn't home. i really need to talk to him. i'm going nuts. if he hates me, i don't blame him. i was a fool. i just want to know why he hates me, and if he honestly does deep down inside. and i want to see if we can ever rebuild our friendship. i know that we are never going to get back together. but that's no reason to throw our friendship away. and maybe if i am able to talk to him and understand, and know that i tried, i'll be able to carry on again.

"I'm out here, by myself.
All alone.
Ripping my head off.
I hurt so bad inside.
I wish you could see the world through my eyes.
It stays the same.
I just wanna laugh again..."

Sunday, April 13th, 2003

(1 fail to see the anguish in my eyes | the children love the show)

Subject:x.. hugs not drugs ..x
Time:11:38 am.
Mood: depressed.
Music:BSB "don't wanna lose you".
last night i thought i was going to die. and i'm not joking. after work me and travis were sitting in playland like we do everynight after work just talking and goofing off and then at like a quarter till 2 some drunk guy came and tried to get in the store. and then he came up to us and started telling us how he got fucked up and some guy tried to fuck him up and how he wasn't going to jail or something. and we were scared shitless and didn't know what to do so we just sat there and he said that we knew "the game" or something? and then he got mad at us and told us to go so we started to leave and he followed us. and that scared the hell out of me because it's 2 in the morning and this guy is drunk and has his hands in his pockets so he could have some kind of weapon and the fact that he wouldn't walk ahead of us didn't support the fact that he was a good guy. and then he got mad at us again because he kept accusing us of going to call the cops and send him to jail and travis said he wasn't going to and he started yelling and then calmed down and wanted me to take him with me. there was no way in hell that was going to happen. so we darted for our cars and locked the doors the second we got in. looking at it now, he probably wouldn't have hurt us. but we didn't know. i mean, when some guy is afraid that you're going to turn him in and you find him staggering in a dark parking lot at 2 am and he looks pretty scary your only thought is your gonna die. i don't think i was ever more scared in my entire life.

before all of that happened i was talking to murph online. derrick had told me that he is afraid to talk to me in school because he was afraid that matt(my ex-) would think he's a backstabber. he never said why but that can only mean two things: he actually did love me and would think murph is betraying him. or he honestly does hate me now and doesn't want his friends to be a part of me. but i have to figure it out. and soon. and i have to know why he hates me and stoped talking to me. i have a feeling of what it is, and if i'm right it was my fault. and i honestly hate myself for it. at the time, i didn't care and didn't think it would bother me. but now, he's the only thing i've been able to have my mind on. and it's driving me nuts. and i'm thinking maybe if i knew exactly what made him deteste me i would be able to appologize and maybe find peace at night. it's killing me. it's just one of those things that you have to know... and i've been holding it in for 2 months and didn't even realize it. and just recently did it bust out.

Friday, April 11th, 2003

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. scotty stole my new grill lighter!! ..x
Time:10:35 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Hopesfall "redshift".
i went up to the mall today. i ran into ben and i was talking to him for a while then i seen scotty, stephen and matt walking along and i hollared at scott and they all came over. then we ran into jimmy and his girlfriend. and i was never really close to jimmy, i just socialized with him when me and matt dated and we would meet up with him, but he talked to me everytime i ran into him today. and i always knew who scott and stephen were i just didn't become friends with them until a few weeks before me and matt dated when we hung out alot. i've known ben for years. but everyone talked to me but matt. hell, i joked around with stephen and scotty for a while but matt totally ignored me. he hasn't been on my mind in a long time. i think just seeing him with heather triggered it and then seeing him at the mall and all of his friends that i met through him hanging out with me and having fun but him not depressed me. i'm over the fact our relationship is over. that no longer bothers me. i'm just depressed that i lost a friend. and that takes me forever to get over. hell, i lost rich a year and a half ago and i still think about the times i had with him. like, i was thinking about how me, matt, and scott would go to the mall and goof off. i had so much fun. those guys have practically the same personality as me and the exact same sense of humor. so all i did was laugh and smile. and i just wanted to go up to matt and talk to him like we use to. even if it wasn't those talks where you hold each other and tell about how you remembered the first time you met, and how you want to spend your future together and explain how you care. (not that i don't miss having those kinds of talks with anyone. i mean, who doesn't want to be loved?) but being able to goof off with him again and know that he's my friend. that's what i miss the most. the fact that i lost one of my friends. maybe one day we'll be able to at least say hi again and start over. but i really and truely do hope he is happy now. even if it ment for me to lose one of my friends... ..

(2 fail to see the anguish in my eyes | the children love the show)

Subject:x.. simon's hand is gay ..x
Time:4:15 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Music:Ramones "needles and pins".
today i found out that i am fucking derrick. it's pretty cool how i was the last to know. but yeah, at lunch today jess (derrick's ex-) asked cassie if me and derrick were fucking again. i didn't know that we ever did. i really don't see why she would care considering that she is now with corey. but still, even if that wasn't so, i never slept with derrick. ever. so then her and derrick got into it at lunch because he said hi to her when she sat down. granted taht she sat down right next to him. and she blew up at him and some teacher told her to move to a different table and she went and sat with murph. we think that she was running her mouth to him about me because never really was close with him, and before she talked to cassie she was talking to him. and she knows that i'm friends with him. so that's always nice. i'll probably have him lower his thoughts of me, and to top it off i'm not sure if i can even consider her as a friend anymore. so yay. i'm k3wl.

this other person have been a total beast to me lately. i'm not going to say who, but it is rare that i get a decent remark from them anymore. so yeah. my popularity is rising and i'm not so sure what i did to triggor it.

i think that matt and heather are dating now. heather is the girl that matt liked before we started dating and i always had the fear that deep down he still cared about her and one day would leave me for her. i seen him laying on her shoulders this morning and she was grasping his arms and sitting reeeeaally close at lunch. she was dating a guy named keith but i haven't seen him around her much lately. so i'm assuming she broke up with him and is now with matt. at least he's happy though. even though he hates me for no apparent reason, i'm still glad he's happy. i just wish that i could have made him as happy as he made me. no, i'm not still in love with him, just lately i've been really lonely and depressed and looking back on times when i was happy and for no reason it was taken away from me hurts and i feel like a complete worthless loser. but yeah, i never trusted any of my boyfriends since j, and that was years ago, and matt was the first one ever that i felt 100% assured with and wasn't afraid to be myself and i was actually happy. and right in the prime of it all it was taken away w/o a single word said. i don't know why i still think about that. probably seeing him with heather brought back memories. i just wish that i could find one person who loves me. the only thing in life i have ever truely wanted was just to love and be loved in return.

i just wish i had someone to talk to and understand. or even care.

Monday, April 7th, 2003

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. thank god it's monday ..x
Time:5:58 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Music:Nofx.
me and derrick finally made up. i know, i give in way to quick. whenever we get into fights i always lose because i can't stand being away from my friends. espically when i've grown so close to someone as derrick. even though lately since him and jess are getting along, he has been drifting away. he's still the best friend i have. and i don't want to give that up. i don't want to give up my friendship with anyone. even though i may act like a total ass sometimes... my friends mean more to me then anything in the world. god i'm a faggot.

Sunday, April 6th, 2003

(3 fail to see the anguish in my eyes | the children love the show)

Subject:x.. your wish came true ..x
Time:3:42 pm.
Mood:Hopeless.
today fucking sucks. not only did i get less then 4 hours of sleep last night, and have to open and my fucking nhs thing is today and i have a big ass history test torrow, but i've made up my mind that i can no longer be derrick's friend.

the fucking prick said a really mean remark yesterday in toys r us, and when he realized it upset me he didn't fucking care. he just asked me to fucking take him to jess's. and i found out from marilou last night that he was lied to me about something. she didn't tell me he was lying, she told me about something he did, and he told me that it wasn't true, but she watched him do it. so yeah, i'm going to believe her. espically since she never lied to me before, and derrick seems to be doing alot of that lately. and the thing is, he's not good at it. you can see right through him.

so yeah, i was pretty pissed off about all of that, and the fact that he didn't care was upsetting because he's supposed to be my friend. and today he decided to be a smart ass and come through the drive thru just to get me to talk to him. which after i said "thank you for chosing martins ferry mcdonald's! how can i help you?" i didn't speak a word to him. i did give him a cigarette though i regret it after hearing what andy told me.

andy told me online today that the reason derrick is being such a prick to basically, me, is because he wants me to hate him. he's trying to get me to. which really made my heart sink into my stomache. and then it bothered me because andy knew all along and has been giving derrick advice about it and wouldn't even let me know about it. so yeah, derrick if your reading this, "YOUR WISH FUCKING CAME TRUE!!! i hope that some day you fucking know what it's like to be shit on by everyone you fucking know. no... i really don't... i'm not like you. i have a conscience."

i wish i could just find one true friend who actually cared =*/

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. i need to sleep ..x
Time:4:30 am.
Mood: tired.
it's 4:30 am. and i'm up. not by choice. i have to open today. yippie skippy fucking do. i got 4 hours of sleep last night. and i have my nhs induction today. so i would really like to not fall asleep for that you know? plus, i have a big ass history test on monday that i know nothing for. and when i say that, i'm not lying. fuck. i want to go back to bed.

Friday, April 4th, 2003

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. can i take your order? ..x
Time:11:34 pm.
Mood: bitchy.
Music:Misfits "she".
wow. larry really pissed me off today. me and travis walked out. and we have to have a meeting with her tomorrow at work. woo. more details later. i'm tired.

Thursday, April 3rd, 2003

(the children love the show)

Subject:x.. go directly to jail. do not pass go. do not collect 200 dollars ..x
Time:8:54 pm.
Mood: relieved.
Music:Goldfinger "99 red balloons".
hmm... this is going to be a honest to god sierous post.

today i got really pissed off at derrick, and i tried to avoid all possible ways of not explaining why. basically because
(1)i don't trust people and
(2)i was afraid that someone would tell him.
but anyway, what started me getting mad at him was the fact that he has this secret and keeps rubbing in my face that he won't tell me. and i thought that was really stupid to tell people that when you have no intentions of telling them. but yeah, i wasn't really mad about that. what i was mad at was something that happened a month ago. because he was doing that i started thinking about how i've always trusted him with every little detail of my life and he's always been the person i'd go to if i had problems. and then that led to the fact that he use to do the same thing and how he doesn't always anymore. and that started me thinking that he doesn't trust me anymore because of a "certain someone" running their mouth to him and him listening to them. and then it reminded me of how a month ago jess told derrick that if he stopped being my friend and wouldn't talk to me, she'd fuck him. and one, i that's a really mean thing to do to someone not to mention when you have no intention of it. and two, if you really have any feelings for someone, why would you want to keep them away from things that make them happy such as their friends? but yeah, usually people would think you would choose the person who would never make you choose, but yeah. he chose her and stoped talking to me until he couldn't take it anymore and talked to me again and appologized. and basically, ever since then i've been keeping the fact that i feel like total shit because my best friend would leave me for one night of sex and throw away everything we've been through. espically, when everytime he's needed me i'd be there. no matter what. even if he stoped talking to me and hated me and spread evil rumors, the second he would need a shoulder to cry on i'd be there for him if he needed me. and i couldn't help but keep thinking that my friend didn't care and that the friendship we had was gone and there was nothing i could do to stop it. and it really brought me down. and what do people do when they care about someone and are upset with them? they lash out. i didn't know what else to do. so i stoped talking to him because i couldn't handle the thoughts that he didn't care. but he did keep trying to get me to talk to him, so that was a little reassuring. plus, it's hard to stay away from those you care about, even if it's only as a friend. so yeah. i was depressed and angry about something that happened a long time ago. but hell, when it happened i was too busy crying 24/7 (litterly... even in school) i couldn't be angry because i was so devistated about losing a friend. and today the thought that i mean shit to him hurt and then led to anger. hmm.. that probably sounds confusing. oh well.

Tuesday, April 1st, 2003

(the children love the show)

Time:5:42 pm.
Mood: confused.
Music:marilyn manson.
You see the world in Gray
Gray:
You poor, depressed child. A rain cloud seems to
follow you everywhere. The worst has always got
to happen doesn't it? Life is miserable.


What color do you see the world in?
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