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the way his collar falls - saves the day |
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i know its been a while, and i think its been just long enough. i had some things i needed to stop thinking about, and some things that i needed time away from. unfortunatly, this live journal isnt the only thing keeping me constantly thinking. i do enough of that on my own.
i met a lot of really cool people in the last week and a half, and problems have mounted, depression has lingered, and ive been doing way too much thinking. last saturday, jeff had his birthday. i had spent the most lonely night by myself the previous night, with no escape from the recurring thoughts of dissapointment (i know it doesnt make sense, thats why this is my journal). anyway, saturday jeff had us all over to see groundhog's day in rhoads hall. after that, we went to hibbs and grabbed some food. then, we all went and saw city of caterpillar, kill the man who questions and a few other richmond bands. then, as if that werent enough, we went to the midnight movie at the byrd-ferris buellers day off. the two people i really met that night were adrienne and jen.
the next day, was adrienne's birthday. adrienne is jeff's girlfriend. strange that their birthdays are so close together. anyway, i spent the majority of the day looking for something to do, and doing things i can't remember. when we bumped into jeff, he invited us all up to jen's room for adrienne's birthday celebration. it was good times, though it was ultimately moved to adriennes room when jen blew the circuit breaker. we watched flesh feast instead of the super bowl. i know, what heathens we are. that night i got to know sam and mike. really great guys.
its been a long time since ive admired someone from afar. you know...a crush. i feel so dorky saying it, but thats how it is. i knew from almost the first time i talked to her that there was something really genuinly special about her. i'm talking about jen, someone who has lived above me, one floor up the entire year, and i never got the guts to talk to her. well, i talked to her, and im taken. there were some minor discrepancies when a friend of mine explained she had feelings for me, making my situation just a little more uncomfortable. things are weird between us now, and that really makes me sad. its not like a spoken thing, we just dont talk anymore.
well it would be relatively uncharacteristic of me to not try my hardest to spend time with jen aftter realizing my feelings. i devoted every bit of spare time trying to see her, or just be around her. she makes me happy when i get to see her. well things began roughly as i was too afraid to tell her how i felt.
eventually i found the will power to tell her. im not sure what it was that made me do it. maybe it was the way she smiled at me that night. maybe it was the way i got lost in her eyes when she wasnt looking. whatever it was i told her, but disappointment wasnt ready to give up. there were roadblock. i wont go into it, because its unimportant. but again i felt unresolved. i spent the next day in a daze of unresolve, comparing my feelings to that of a year ago, when i considered taking my life. sunday night i was ready to explode. i cant really explain what was bothering me. ust way too much solitude, ruined plans and conspiracy theories.
i went to the village by myself that night, and attempted to get everything out of my system with a pen and paper. and then my wishful thinking became a reality. jen walked in looking for me. and we sat there and just talked for like 2 hours only to return to the dorm and talk for almost 3 more. it was an amazing night for me, and the first time i have gone to bed contented in a long time. the past few days in virtual bliss, spending a lot of time just talking about everything and nothing. she is an amazing girl, and regardless of whether or not we end up together, i think that the past few days will stand out in my memory as some of the best times ive ever had. it pleases me even more to think of what is still ahead.
so there is a bit of what whoever is reading this might have been missing since i deleted my initial entries. it makes me smile to think that what is happening now might be retribution for past dissapointments. sorry about the novel, but you should have stopped reading a while ago.
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lonely
uncomfortable