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Michel de Nostradamus may have predicted the fate of Universe Knoxville long before anyone dreamed of its existence. A newly discovered quatrain, open to interpretation, has many convinced that Nostradamus did have insight into our fate. Here at Knoxpatch.com, we believe the quatrain speaks for itself.

Beasts ferocious for outside visitors will reach for the skies:
The greater part of the region will be against the developers,
The forward thinkers will fall into a pit of despair,
When the visitors will observe nothing in the stars.

Giant tarantula does not attack Knoxville

This giant tarantula did not attack.

A giant tarantula was expected to attack Knoxville late last week, according to sources. Instead, the creature passed us by and attacked Johnson City instead. Nobody in Knoxville was hurt as it walked peacefully by. North Knoxville farmer Herbert Walker reported that several of his cows were found sucked dry, but at the time authorities had not released details of the impending attack and nobody suspected the tarantula. The police pointed to overmilking to explain his losses. Johnson City apparently captured the tarantula and has transported it to Eastman Chemical for analysis.

Record cold kills six

Record cold temperatures in East Tennessee have been wreaking havoc all across the region. From frozen water pipes to thick ice on windshields to puppies refusing to pee, the effects have been devastating. According to Martha Stalwart, a local elderly woman living on Nubbin Ridge Road and her meager pension checks, the cold has claimed the lives of at least six of her favorite hostas. Hostas, like any other robust east Asian clump-forming perennial herbs, do not care for temperatures like we have been seeing here lately and tend to die if frozen. Plant rights groups assert that the simple placement of a pillow case over most plants will help them survive the cold. According to Stalwart, all her pillowcases were in the wash at the time.

Snow fears close schools for month

Due to the alarming increase in the statistical probability that snow may fall during the month of February, Knox County Schools Superintendent Bocephus Jackson has declared schools closed until March. "It has proven statistically less likely to snow in March," he said in a statement made last night. "I just can't endanger the chilluns any more than they are already endangered by riding the bus every day," he added, "and studies have shown it is safer for them to already be at home when it starts snowing." Missed school time will be made up by subtracting 15 minutes from lunch and recess each day. Students are encouraged to use the free time to study for the upcoming TCAP tests, and for extra credit in their World History classes, they may play Tomb Raider.

Quentin Tarantino Library gaining momentum

Quentin Tarantino smiles for
the camera, but not in Knoxville.

Plans for the State Street site have varied from the strange to the stranger, but none of them has had more momentum and support than the proposed Quentin Tarantino Library. Although the library will not be presidential in nature, it is thought that since Tarantino is really famous, it might help spawn redevelopment of the entire downtown area. Tarantino is most famous for his role as a blind street preacher in Adam Sandler's Little Nicky, but he has also been responsible for a wide variety of lesser known films such as Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, and the critcally acclaimed From Dusk Til Dawn trilogy. Tarantino was born in Knoxville in 1963 and quickly left to pursue other interests. The library would contain a multiplex continuously showing his films, as well as Tarantino memorabilia. If approved, the project could begin as early as this summer. The hopeful planning committee is insistent that this is the real jumpstart downtown Knoxville needs.

community calendar (?)

French Broads CD Release Party

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