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Tuesday, November 5th, 2002
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6:38 am - dammit
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| Monday, November 4th, 2002
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9:13 am - oh geez...
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Not sure what i'm doing, I know that I'm in a bind.... How did i get myself to this point, I'm running out of time.... How do you stay away from it, yet you find you can't bear to say no... I'm not sure what i'm doing here, but I know that it's just not good....
current mood: contemplative
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| Friday, November 1st, 2002
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1:13 pm - and the drama never dies....
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Okay, so here i am....it's been quite a while. I don't even know where to start.
Okay, so I haven't heard from Adam in a week of so, i'm wondering if it's going back to how it was in the beginning of the month. Hm.....maybe I should just write him a letter since i have an address now. So like, since he's not my boyfriend, is it okay to see other guys? Considering he hasn't contacted me in a while....does it make it okay to see other people. I'm very confused, I'm not sure what i'm doing right now, but i know that it's only going ot lead to trouble and shit. And I can't seem to stop it from happening, i'm already in too deep. Grrr...anyways.
my parents came to michigan, and it was thrown in my face what a spoiled brat i am. **sigh** oh well.. I got a new computer, thus why i haven't been online. I can't figure out how to connect it to my internet.
DAVE, I THINK YOU SHOULD COME HELP ME WITH MY COMPUTER!!!
anyways, I also got a new cell and some winter clothes, Including two coats. woo hoo!!!! lol. I like them. anyways, that was a very exhausting weekend. Lots of fighting, smiling and talking. It was nuts. I love them, they're my prents, but dude, was i ever glad to take them back to the airport and send them back to cali.
School and work has been keeping me busy, I had an interview for my story today and then I have to close at work tonight. I have saturday off, so i'm trying to hit up Glen and Chris, but Chris sucks..he he he. kidding man.
Still having fits of despair and shit each day. It's a horrible condition being sad all the time, i wouldn't reccommend it. anyways, the bird wants me to take it out of the cage again, i guess i ought to go play with it, I'll catch up later.
current mood: mellow
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| Sunday, October 27th, 2002
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9:36 pm - hey..
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amazingly, I am still alive.............
when I am not soo confused or when I am at a point where I am not afraid to say what i'm really thinking I may come back and update you......
but yes, I am still alive.....not dead.
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| Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
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12:52 pm - ahh gee
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The good thing that has happened within the past couple days that i have not updated, is that Adam emailed me like twice. so that made me feel special. Also i got to talk to my sister and stuff....that's always good..
Bad things seem to always out weight the good...burned my hand at work, did something that i really didtn' want to do because i felt like i was obligated to do it cause i was a stupid gurl. Now I feel really really bad...
My body hates me....i'm not very kind to it....it's feeling really run down and shit. Someone please just like shoot me or something....
think i ought to go take a nap.....
current mood: drained
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| Saturday, October 19th, 2002
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11:02 pm - i feel just plain kinda bad....
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Okay....so i slept in kinda late today. but i did get my interview done, so now all i have to do is type up my story tomorrow before work and i'm home free until friday. :)
work was really kinda shitty. It was busy as hell, and i felt bad casue i wasn't able to give that great of service as i know i'm capable of. Then this one fucking table jipped me on a tip. It pissed me off, made me feel pretty shitty inside. Like, i busted my butt for them, and they ordered a lot of expensive stuff. but my boss likes me, and he felt bad for me, so he gave me like $3 in place of what they should have. I felt really special then. Cause i know he wouldnt' do that for just any of us waitresses.
I have a confession to make. I feel sooo fucking jealous, and i feel bad cause i hate feeling jealous. Just jealous of sooo many things. I feel like i'm forgotten, like i'm not important anymore to my friends and sisters back in california. Like, I know that i'm the person who left there, i'm the one who abandoned them, but i just feel sooo abandoned. Like i'm not important anymore. Like i've been replaced, forgotten, neglected. Like no one cares about me, or remembers that i'm around.
I know, that's not the case, but it just feels that way. I just don't have what i use to have anymore. and even if i kinda do have that, they're all at otehr schools across michigan. I feel soo out of place here at WMU, In Kalamazoo, in freaking michigan for that matter.
I'm jealous of all my friends who have actual steady boyfriends, casue shit, i don't even knwo how to classify what i have with Adam, if it's anything at all. and it's totaly stupid and unnecessary for me to feel this way, about everythign, but dammit...i do. and i hate it. blah.
It's like i've lost touch with everyone. No one wants to contact me back, no one wants to just contact me caues they miss me. No random letters appearing on my email or in my mail box. shit, i send out soo many each week. I feel replaced, and i haven't really been able to make new friends or anything here. Yeah, i have a new SAE chapter, but they didnt' replace my old one, i just accommodated space to make room for them. they're special in they're own way. Like shit, James, i haven't heard from him in ages. I keep tryign to contact him. He was such an important person in my life, still is. But i feel like i mean nothing anymore. Oh well...life goes on and people change, right? maybe i just never was anything special to those guys. Maybe it was some fantasy family i made up in my head.
Like, it's my own damn fault, all of it. I dunno what to think, so i think i'm just gonna drop it. anyways, i think i might head out to the house on Forest, i'll catch ya'll later.
current mood: jealous
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12:27 am - yes...i'm still awake....
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I'm awake, and i'm bored....and just soooo damn tired.
oh well....i'm pretty sure i'll be asleep early tonight. hopefully!!!!!
work was all right, kinda boring, slow...but i made atleast $30...so that's good in my book. I slept in sooo late....i hate sleeping in past 10am, makes me feel like i wasted my day. :(
About why last night was amazing...no, i didnt' get any ass...and believe me, i'd love to get some ass about now. ha ha ha according to the email...Glen has encouraged me to go get some ass...but i'm not....casue i'm a damn good kid.
Anyways, I think the one thing i've always wanted was to find someone that i could tell everything to. Every damn skeleton, every damn shitty ass thing, and like be able to have them totally understand. I've had people who i've been able to tell some things too, but not everything. and last night i found someone that i cold tell everything too...it was such a mind blowing experience. I'm really really glad that me and this chick are friends.
Anyways, I think it helped us both out a lot to talk like we did and to talk about the stuff that we did. Hell, she even made me think and realize some things about adam and why i'm soooo the way I am about him. ha ha...oh well....
I wish I could like share just how amazing the feeling was, unfortunatly, i can't. But i tell you, it was just amazing.
I wrote Adam back, :) still smiling about that. anyways....i'm rambling. i'll catch up later. wish me luck on falling to sleep.
current mood: exhausted
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| Friday, October 18th, 2002
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5:29 am - it's fucking five in the a.m.
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I just wanted to share that i have had the most amazing night. I'm awake, but i'm goign ot put myself in bed, I will try to share with you after I get some sleep. Hopefully i'll get some sleep.....
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| Thursday, October 17th, 2002
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2:51 pm - soo happy i could cry......
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There is a big ass phatty grin on my face,
Okay so like.....school was boring...i'm pretty sure i failed my ocean systems exam cause i spent most of the questions filling in the bubble for what might have sounded right or for what was a damn pathetic guess...but oh well.
Woke up to fucking numbing cold and ice on my windshield,t hat was an interesting moment.
Me sittin in car: So what the hell do I do about this? Moron Roommate: You first have to turn the defroster on Me: OK Moron Roommate: First things, when your windshield is frozen like that, always pull up on your wipers, and never throw water on the windshielf. Me: but i used to just put water on to get the ice off back home Moron Roommate: yeah, but this is MICHIGAN not CALIFORNIA. The water will freeze, and that makes things worse. Me: Oh yeah....
So then I had lunch with one of the girls from the Herald!!! I'm havinga super duper day soo far, what can make it any better??
I'll tell you what made it better....signing on to hotmail and seeing that...
ADAM FINALLY EMAILED ME!!!!!!!
I'm fucking happy as hell. :) and he even said that he'd try to write back later. :) Hell, i wasn't even expecting a response back, sillie me for almost giving up on the kid, huh?
Oh well....off to take a nap since i didn't get any sleep last night...and since i have work in like oh, two hours. yuck....
current mood: ecstatic
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| Wednesday, October 16th, 2002
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11:46 pm - distracted.....as usual...
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Okay, so i'm supposed to be studying for my Ocean Systems Exam tomorrow. Except for my last exam, i just kinda looked over my notes, read some of the book and i got a B. I mean, come on, i studied at the SAE house.....like i really did study there. amazing...ha ha anyways, i haven't even like cracked the book open today and i'm already taking a break. Oh well.
Funny shit/comedic things said at work today:
Mandy to George: I'm sick of playing your little boy games today! **Under her breath in a little kid voice: Do you wanna go play tag?**
Me: So can I get you guys any dessert today Customer: Just having you stand there to look at is dessert enough for me
Becky talking about doing karaoke:I was just a little drunk, but come on, it was ten dollars. When you're broke ten dollars is a lot!!!
Me:It's not fair, why can't we serve alcohol here too. Mandy:It's not worth it, you only get two beers max anyway Me:Yeah, but that's all I need. Two beers gets me drunk off my ass anyway.
Dawn lookin at the new menu:I want a beer. Me:I've been sober for like two weeks. Mandy:That sucks! Me:yeah tell me about it.. Mandy:And on top of that your not gettin any ass.. Dawn:Oh shit girl, i'm sorry..you must definatly be hurting...
Murphy to me as i'm trying to sneakily dump a bowl of dressing into the buss tray:I'm not going to ask. ME:Good, cause you don't want to know what I did.
Dawn to her boyrfriend: Don't you dare!! Mandy: Ohhh, are the booths shakin over there??
Okay, so i guess you had to be there for it to be funny, but I was fucking rolling at work today. It was awesome!!!
Umm...I might be getting a promotion at the newspaper, Means i gotta write more stories, but it also means that i'll get paid more money. :) I also found some paid summer internships in Saginaw and Jackson. I was hopeing for one in Flint or Lansing. I'm still thinking of writing to the papers to ask, it never hurts to try. But i guess Saginaw and Jackson are good enough. They're not Kalamazoo, Kalamazoo SUCKS!!!!
Okay, i'm running out of stuff to say...so i guess i'm gonna have to try to go back and study.
current mood: bored
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3:55 pm - dammit....slackin.....
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So yeah, Insomnia hit me again HARD last night....i took anotehr sleeping pill....5th day in a row...and woke up to the alarm only to not go to class again....I couldn't function...my meds didn't want me to go. No pill tonight!!! I need to go to class tomorrow...no matter what. I'm already gettin docked on points, dammit. Grrr I'm really mad at me for missing class, if you can't tell....then again im just being really really hard on myself for a lot of thins. I have to run off to work, maybe i'll feel motivated to come back and update. Oh well...
current mood: disappointed
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| Tuesday, October 15th, 2002
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11:33 am - missed class again...
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yeah, so missed class again today. Emailed my professors in and stuff. I took my fifth sleeping pill last night in order to sleep....except it helped me sleep through the alarm clock. This is not a good think folks.......**sigh** Feeling bad for missing class....I really shouldn't be doing this again...oh well..NO MORE MISSING CLASS for this girl.
current mood: guilty
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| Monday, October 14th, 2002
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7:11 pm - Top 10 Reasons Why I love Chris...
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OMG, I have been having a fucking awesome day today......
First off I was late to my soc class, but that was okay. No biggie. But, even though I was late, i found a fucking close to the building parking spot....Woo Hoo!!!!
Then I came home and got part of my artice for the newspaper written, but then the professors never called me back....but I got an extension on my deadline for tomorrow!!! Yay!!!!!
Then I totally sat down and wrote out like another chapter to the manuscript I've been working on. AWESOME!!!! I love writing, I wish that I could just write all day and not go to work. And I don't mean the news articles, I mean total free creative writing. I love it!!
Then I went out to Target, cause i'm a Target whore, and I got new shoes and some cute ass plaid knee socks and I got Mikey's birthday present (one of my Penn Omega SAE boys...YAY SAE) and some stuff to make Phi Sig stuff for my friend at Central (YAY PHI SIG) and then I went to starbucks and got a mocha frappacino. YUM!!!!!!!
On the way home dedicated Michelle Branch's song 'Goodbye to You' to my ex-bf Tim cause dude, he's so not worth it and i'm sooo glad to say that i'm totally over his sorry ass....who by the way still owes me like over $600...
and then I came home and there was a email from Glen (YAY SAE) talking about nakedness (one of my favorite subjects) and then the BESTEST EMAIL IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD from CHRIS!!! we'll atleast it was the bestest email in the whole wide world for today, the BETTER BESTEST EMAIL would be an email from ADAM...but that's just not gonna happen so this one will have to do for now....
But as the subject heading says.....
The Top 10 Reasons Why I love Chris......
10.He's my friend, durrrr 09.He's SAE. Woo Hoo!!! 08.He sometimes gives good advice, sometimes not too good advice but I still love hiim for putting forth the effort. 07.He's HOT STUFF, he he he he 06.He let's me sleep on his couch if i need to. 05. He's total funny shit sometimes 04.He lets me write out my news articles on his computer 03.He listens to me talk no matter what and heputs up with having to listen to me ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on about Adam. 02.He shares his alcohol with me
and the top numero UNO reason why I love Chris....
HE FOWARDED ME PICTURES OF ADAM IN GERMANY that one of the bro's sent him. WOO HOO!! Happy Dance Time!! Cha cha cha......Big Happy Ass Grin on this Happy Girl's Face here :)
Dude, if anything was going to bring a smile to my face today it was pictures of Adam and the guys drunk off they're butts HA HA HA. Well, atleast he's having fun and shit over there.
anyways, i'm off to wrap Mikey's present and make stuff for my friend......latas!!!!
current mood: happy
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| Sunday, October 13th, 2002
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10:53 pm - things that make me alive....
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I was absolutly alive at one point today. I had to go out and cover a protest against war on Iraq over at the Federal building in downtown K-Zoo today. News Reporting absolutly made me come alive. I love it, I interviewed sooo many different people and of so many different ages with soo many different opinions. My story is due tomorrow and i have half of the information i need. I went to work totally rejuvinated..it was such an awesome feeling.
I wrote on one of my manuscripts again also today. I love writing, I think writing is the one thing that has always saved me from myself. It totally makes me alive, gives me a reason to live, gives me hope that i can help someone else if not myself. I journal a lot, but i mean, really writing, like a book or a news article. man, i can't even really begin to explain how it makes me feel, except that it makes me feel alive.
something else that makes me feel alive, talking to people. Having a good time with friends. Cuddling with someone that i care about. Cuddling with my kitties, having my kitties purr in my arms, the ocean, the country side......he he he, i could think of a couple of things......too bad i don't have many of them here with me in Kalamazoo.....they're all too far away.....shitty luck, huh........
So is it a really bad thing if you've had to take sleeping pills three nights in a row in order to just fall asleep??? Just wondering, cause i have a feeling i'll be downing pill number four tonight....blah
Oh something else that makes me feel alive, my lovely sorority sisters, I LOVE THEM SOOO MUCH!!! PHI SIG's ROCK!!!!!!!!
okay..i'm really really cold....i'm gonna go snuggle in bed.
current mood: cold
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| Saturday, October 12th, 2002
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11:30 pm - shitty saturday
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So yeah, i slept in till like fucking 1pm....can't believe that shit. Oh well, i guess that's what i get for taking a sleeping pill at 3am.
Work was fucking horrid today. I got like $40 in tips, so i guess that's all right, but i had some real hassels. Okay, so one hassel and a bunch of nice people but that one hassel totally threw me off track and I was just not with it for the rest of the night. No offense, but i was in no mood to be yelled at for something that i did right and something that the customer did wrong. BLAH!!!!
I've decided that my life sucks right now. I want to do nothing buy lie in bed the whole day and just not feel or be active, yet i fucking hate being asleep because my dreams are fucking horrible and they make me sad. Last night's dream involved me being back at the SAE house. The guys had all just gotten back from work term and like i recall seeing Adam somewhere. But we hadn't like been together. I saw every single guy in the house, including Tom, but i couldn't find Adam anywhere. I was looking for him, but it seemed that he just wasn't looking for me. Anyways, I woke up before i had found him, and i was just devestated. As work today Jimmy asked if Adam had called me yet. of courset he answer was 'no." I'm beginningn to think that i'm not going ot hear from him at all.....how's that for losing faith???? I was getting dressed for work today and this song came on, and i started thinking about Adam and for the first time since he left i started to tear up and i almost lost it. The only thing that kept me from letting those tears fall was i was about to head off for work and i had mascera on...that could have been messy. Anyways, yeah, i just about cried, the tears were there, i just didn't let them fall..BLAH!!!
I don't understand some things. At work atleast once a day I get asked what my backgroud ethnicities are, because they cna't figure out what i am and i'm just "so beautiful." I was told that i was a "very beautiful girl" like twice today. Why can't i see this????? If i could only see this "beautiful girl" that everyone else sees maybe life would'nt be sooo fucking horrible...but i can't. Thus i destroy myself.....**sigh**
The problem with not sleeping all day is that I lie there and i fucking think too much, which depressed me. But like i said, my dreams depress me too. There's no escape for me.....
anyways, i'm out for now.
current mood: drained current music: matchbox 20 - bent
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12:24 am - email from a friend.....
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I've been sooo damn tired lately and I don't know why.....feels like my body is shutting down on me or something....took a sleeping pill last night so i'd be able to sleep, hope i don't have to do it again today.
Work was crazy shit tonight, atleast I made like $40 so it was kinda worth it.
My friend sent me an email, and it made me think...yup, it was about Adam...go figure. he he he anyways, i just wanted to share what she wrote.....maybe you other people are seeing something that i'm just not. Or maybe i'm just totallly old fashioned and want to be asked and told stuff....Does anyone else see this too?????
"...Now on to adam, she does kind of have a point. He wouldnt get involved with you unless he saw something special. I mean no one wants a long distance relationship, but if they are willing to do it... that does show alot. Spec germany-usa. He wouldnt of got so attached to you, or let you get attached to him like that, unless he had some type of intentions/feelings. This whole how does he feel thing can drive you up a wall if you let it. I am like the ultimate example of that! How many nights have we talked hella about this sorta of thing?? About the whole, him not emailing you back thing.. he is in germany, it does take time..."
Or maybe he just really doesn't like me and is using me just like almost every other guy i've met...blah....soooo frustrating when your soo bitter and broken inside.....I just want to be loved and thought about by someone that i'm totally crazy about....someday, right?
Okay, like i said, i'm freaking spent....probably gonna dick around online a bit more, read and write a bit and then hit the pillow. catch you later!!
current mood: drained current music: She Fucking Hates Me -Nickelback
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| Thursday, October 10th, 2002
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11:25 pm - sometimes dreams just suck!!!
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Okay, so i got off of work early today. Made some money, it wasn't too horrible. For some reason we got on the subject of sexual assault and stuff at work, and i got all quiet. I ended up telling my manager how i was sexually assaulted at my last job, it was kinda fucking weird. Like i kept everything in and tried not to show any emotion toward it, even though i was like dyign inside. I dunno....it's like i want someone to just tell everything too, i want to just fucking list to someone every shitty ass thing that has happened to me in my life. And i mean everything, not just the eating disorder stuff, not just the ex boyfriend stuff, i mean fucking everything. **sigh** freaking hate it, drives me mad
I had a dream during my nap before work today. I dunno how, i like woke up from it fairly easily, and i wasn't asleep that long, but i still had a dream. It fucking sucked, i woke up and felt like total shit!!! In my dream i'd gotten a letter in the mail from him, Adam if you weren't sure, and like it had a picture in it and i was starting ot read it and i got partway through the first couple lines when i woke up. and I felt like shit casue i knew that he hadn't actually written me, that he's most likely not going to and that makes me feel bad. like i'm sitting here, waiting for him to come home, absolutly crazy about him, not gonna even bother with anyone else gonna stay faithful, knowign that i'm not going ot hear from him.....
So how sad am i??? While i was driving across Indiana my cell phone came back to life and i had some messages on there. turns out Adam had left a message for me on my cell when he had gotten home, like i had asked him too. So i sat there for a couple minutes and just listened to his voice over and over again, replayign the damn message......it didn't say anythign much, just him sayign it was him that he was home and that he'd talk to me later. I dunno, it was just it was his voice.
It's only been like a little over a week and it fucking sucks....I miss him sooo much. I think tooo damn much...just wish he'd let me know if he like me as much as i like him. Wondering if any of this is worth it. I'd probably jump through hoops if it would make him happy....I just want to see him happy, but i just wish like hell that i was a part of that happiness, you know....I dunno...Just feel shitty, i miss that damn kid sooo much.
okay, now that i started thinking/talking about adam i can't really think of what else i was gonna write down...hmm...There's something I need to say....
ELEANOR you need some **BIG HUGS** you are a beautiful intelligent woman and I have faith in you!!!! Smile pretty baybee!!!!!!!! Things will come in time, I promise!!!!
Okay....soooo now i need to work on me feeling better.
Okay it's time for another Fishy come kick my ass time. I've been going through this aweful depression trying to cope with life thing and it's driving me up the wall. First week Adam and the guys left, total restrictoin and this week total overdoing the eating thing and now Friday is coming up. Geez, fridays always seem to set the tone for the week. i'm like afraid that it's heading back in teh wrong direction. i guess this is some sort of scream that things are not going well.......
ARGH!!!!! okay.....i'm going out of my mind. I think i need to stop thinking for a while. i'll catch you later.
current mood: crappy current music: Incubus-I miss you
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1:27 pm - should be napping....
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for reals, i shouls sooo be asleep like right now. But instead i'm cookin up some grub, but dude, i gotta work tonight. Maybe i'll like pass out eventually...or something....like before i go to work.
Classes were okay, i feel bad a started dozing off in my WMS 300 class again, Hist 336 was boring and Geos 322 was over before it started, i think i fell asleep in that one too. he he he oops...
Anyways, yeah, so yesterday i went to Chicago to kick it with Mike cause he needed to be cheered up. I'm not sure how smart it is, i don't want to lead him on or anything, and some guys are just easily lead astray like that without you even trying. Sucks.....oh well...He said to me "you're the only one that hasnt' hurt me" good lord, what the hell kind of pressure is that????? Oh well, i behaved, i didn't really feel the temptation to do anything anyways, but the opportunity is always there I guess. We went out to some bar in Napierville, did i even spell that right? anyways, good times were had in Chicago as it usually is. Had a strawberry colodad, ooh yummy!!!!
Anyways, almost got killed driving across Indiana casue there are ASSHOLE drivers there...it was kinda neat seeing like three cop cars with their lights all flashing and shit at the Indiana/Michigan border. Don't know what their deal was but it was kinda cool, especially since it was at like after 2am.
i'm soooo bummed out, Glen emailed me back and said that he doesn't get done with work until Dec 20, which means that he can't take off with us on the Cali road trip casue we are leaving on Dec 12th. Sooooo bummed!!! i was really looking foward to Glen going, he's awesome!!! he he he Don't worry Rabi, you're still one of my all time favorite Kettering SAE's!!!! speaking of the devil, dude, I still owe you some email.....i guess i'll have to attend to that shortly after this.
Ummm......I can't realy think of what else it was that I had wanted to say. My brain is pretty asleep still....like i said, i really need a nap. anyways, till next time.
current mood: cranky
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4:38 am - fuckin' road work
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Just got in from Chicago like at 10 past 4 in the a.m. Had to do my instructor letter for History...
Gotta go to bed!!!!
I'll catch up on the good and bad news tomorrow..and Chris!!! I'll email you back tomorrow!!!! I promise!!!!!
nighty night!!! this chick is jumpin into bed.
current mood: tired
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| Tuesday, October 8th, 2002
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6:57 pm - DUDE, i couldn't resist....
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okay, so i saw this quiz, and i HAD to take it!!! I think you might have to either live in the SAE house or know some of the stories in order to fully appreciate the result I got to this. Cause dude, it's just way too appropriate!!! ooh geez, i'm soooooo tickled pink by this!!! Ha ha ha ha oooh man... HEY RABI!!!!!! BRING BACK ANY MEMORIES FROM ME BEING AT THE HOUSE!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
 What kind of porno would you star in? brought to you by Quizilla
current mood: amused
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