So i hadn't been to the dentist in 8 years. See: 8 years ago, the dentist told me: "It looks like you're going to have to get your wisdom teeth out".

"Like HELL I have to!", I said to myself, and never went back.

in the years that followed, my teeth grew ever more yellowed and stained. i was pretty well in line for a johnny rotten type moniker, since I brushed pretty irregularly, being an asshole.

they looked like this:

after two hours at the dentist¹ they looked like this:

so. this is my public service message for the day: GO TO YOUR FUCKING DENTIST, PEOPLE.

also: as a side note, when i was taking pictures of my dirty dirty teeth, i took this picture:

i thought i looked kinda crazy. mostly 'cause there's so much teeth.

anyhow, i thought i'd try to take some more.

i think i look really crazy in that one.

anyhow, i been trying to take a normal picture (to use on the jacket of my debut novel: "FISHFUCKER: SOME KIND OF MOUTHBREATHING ASSHOLE"):

i think i just look like a conceited bastard in that picture (making it perfect for the book, i suppose).

which, leads me to the conclusion: I am not very photogenic. Also: i'm a mouth-breather (see below). but at least my teeth are nice and shiny.

¹two cavities were filled, and a shitload of tartar was scraped off. Also: I was identified as a mouth-breather -- the dentist actually said to the assistant : "Hey, he's a mouth breather, so you gotta watch the mirror, it fogs up quite a bit, just so you know" -- which is just fucking great. I mean, did other people's mothers tell them "DON'T BREATHE THROUGH YOUR MOUTH" and I just missed out on that? or am i genetically defective? i don't know, but i think i'm probably on some 'uncouth bastards' list now or something.

i was thinking, last night, as i'm wont to do when i really need to be concentrating on other more important things. i was thinking about how perfectly suitable the word 'friggin', and 'freakin' are as 'fuck' replacements.

you see, there's something about the word fuck. nobody just says "fuck" without inflecting it. people tend to really stress the "EFFFFFFF" -- even if they do so quickly -- to give you an idea that an obscenity is going to follow: it's like a waving a tiny little flag that says HEY I AM ABOUT TO SAY FUCK SO PAY SOME MOTHERFUCKIN' ATTENTION, ASSFUCK!¹

anyhow, none of this is particularly startling, given the possibly germanic roots of "fuck".² and since we blame the germans for most things, good and bad³, it's fairly natural we pin "fuck" on them.

anyhow, "friggin" and "freakin" seem to suit this purpose just as well, because they're rich with the "FFFFFF" phenome (not to mention vitamin B), and, as an added benefit, you can usually say them in front of your mother⁴

Frigging, apparently, can be traced back to the old english 'friquer', which, in turn, can be traced to the latin "fricare", meaning "to rub".⁵

Freaking, well, the American Heritage dictionary claims that it emerged from 'friggin' -- whether this is also from whence we acquired the phrase 'freaking out' remains questionable, but i enjoy the thought that 90% of my colloquialisms originate as obscenties, so you and i shall say it does.⁶

anyhow, the reason i was thinking about these things was not because i'm some sort of GENIUS CRACKPOT LINGUIST, or even a kindergarten teacher -- no, the reason i was thinking was because i enjoy long, boring, and absolutely unnecessary segues to my main point, which is rainy day activites.

If you don't know why FUCK and RAIN go so well together, you should stop reading now.⁷ Either way, you should know (because it's all about me) that we've been having some crazy amounts of rain here in San Francisco. Why -- just Sunday a couple of 6' x 4' panels blew off a building across the street from my apartment, causing the closure of the street, and causing myself to miss the one dollar drinks because i thought was far cozier inside, despite the lack of alcohol. Anyhow, without alcohol, things got a bit boring, as they tend to do, and so i decided to make a list of rainy day activities. and here it is:

* Name your kids using this Name Etymology Guide (i've decided on ALVAR, which means "elf army" -- i've got a feeling that will get him the chicks. yeah. elf army.)

* try to name every all-girl rock band.⁸

* Fold a dollar-bill into an elephant (or, supposedly, ganesha).⁹

* Learn about quilting with feed sacks.

* Do some crafty type projects.¹⁰

* plan a trip to iceland.

* consider a career change. (i'm thinking hermit with a treehouse.)

* visit flrt.com (just because).

i'll be adding to this list as the rain continues, which should be through, oh, say april.

¹ well, maybe not the assfuck part, but it's really time to reclaim that word from the porn peddlers for the rightful perverts who own it. assfuck assfuck assfuck!

² actually, no-one really knows where the word "fuck" comes from. It remains a great mystery, because we were all prudes at the time.

³ beer, hitler, and etc. I live way off to the right in that picture. no, not the hitler one.

⁴ i mean, i say "fuck" in front of my mother anyways, because she already knows she's failed, but hey, maybe your mom still has illusions about your sorry self. me, well, i'm on a first name basis with several porn stars -- or at least i pretend to be when no-one's around.

⁵ Frigging - "Masturbating; Having Coital Intercourse; General Expletive Adjective." From "frig." See "frig."
Frig - "to Masturbate; Copulate." This word can denote either male or female masturbation or copulation, under the idea of "rubbing." It is cognate to "friction" and "fricatrix" and derives from the Latin "fricare" = "to rub."

⁶ apparently, the OED gives the word as "addicted to freaks", or "freakish", and traces the roots back to 1663 where there is a historical references to 'Feak and his Freaking Partisans". whatever.

⁷and email me, because i seriously don't know why you'd mix these two up -- i mean, it ain't no peanut butter and chocolate.

⁸ so far i've got the GoGos, the Donnas, the Bangles, the Shags, the Runaways, L7, Shonen Knife, the Angels, the Chantels, the Shangri-Las, the Supremes, the Shirelles, the Corrs, Martha and the Vandellas, Cibo Matto, Lunachicks, Cycle Sluts from Mars, Babes in Toyland, Sleater-Kinney, Tribe 8 the Eyeliners, the Gossip, the Bangs, the Avengers, Bratmobile, Tilt, Tickled Pink, the Spinettes, the Playgirls, the Regrettes, the Eyeshadows, Onyx, Civet, Dishes, Rockbitch, Je Ne Sais Quoi, Glitter Mini 9. I'm sure there's trillions. if you're in SF, try out Voiceisvenom.com. Also, if you are one of the few rad girls doing electronic music (and there are still too few -- my falling-madly-in-love-possibilities is a ratio approaching zero), check out pinknoises.com.

⁹ i like the dollar bill dress-shirt too.

¹⁰ i am saving a bunch of pink milk cartons with a picture of a cowboy and the legend "Hoppy's Favorite" on them. Eventually I will figure out some sort of dastardly plan.

as i've recently received a link from the lovely goneill of hereitype (helo), i am now experiencing what you internet-type people call "MAD FUCKIN' TRAFFIC".¹

as now i've got an audience that in my occasionally delusional mind numbers in the BIZZILLIONS, i suppose it's now time to share the OPPRESIVELY ENTERTAINING MINUTAE of my life.

like this fantastic fuckin' plate i bought at salvation army over the weekend:

how much would you pay for something like that? well -- i paid about 5 bucks more than i should've (meaning $6.25 -- damn you collectibles department!), but i'm thinking i'll make it into a clock² or something else entirely too clever³ for my own good.

i should also mention i picked up a blue polyester levi's cowboy shirt that's as awesome as it sounds.

for these reasons, i'm a big fan of thrift shops⁴. anyhow, because of this aforementioned GAZZILION FANS, i feel obligated to share one of my biggest internet secrets.

you can shop goodwill online.

ON FUCKING LINE, people!

now, i realize that goodwill, as thrift stores go, is not king. No, far too often goodwill is overpriced and understocked (whatever the hell that means). I know, i know, the t-shirts at goodwill are typically all of the undesirable early 90s era, and they never have decent prices on pants, and forget about it for men's shoes. I know you're much better off at, say, Thrift Town, where the vintage section is usually appropriately priced and of decent quality (if you go to the right Thrift Town that is -- don't go to the one in the hipster area of your city -- you've got to drive out to the suburbs -- if you already live in a shithole, well, this is where you start banking on your hick-style livin'.) Also, those of you in San Francisco probably already know about "Nu 2 U" and "Clothes Contact" in the mission area, which generally have pretty cool clothes even if you've gotta pay a couple extra dollars because someone went to the trouble of sorting them for you.

now, shopgoodwill.com isn't really the place to go get clothes. no. in fact, i'd dare say all the clothes there suck. all of them. right at this moment. i'm willing to wager.

however: the other best thing about thrift stores (and the only best thing i'm going to tell you about -- can't give away all of my CRAZY ORGY SECRETS) is that they've got piles of junk. piles and piles of junk. and shopgoodwill lets you BUY THIS JUNK WHILE SITTING ON YOUR ASS.

there is nothing better than this.

for example, i point you to the "Art" section.

right this MINUTE, i could place a bid on a "Large Colorful Folk Art Pottery Cat".

or, perhaps you're a fan of "collectibles"?

if so, you should hustle your ass over and place a bid on the "Group of 3 Vintage Half-pint Milk Bottles".

yeah, they don't have Chuck 'n' Di plates, but i'm sure you won't have trouble finding something equally crappy that you can turn into a yacht or something.

anyhow, i'm off to go watch sunday television, and then it's dollar drink night.

¹ or at least i think i am. i don't have no counters or nothin' -- this ain't no pig farm.

² this is just an extra clock link.

³ yeah, they call him a swot. how fucking wack is that?

⁴ ha ha. actually i'm just a cheap bastard.