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March 19th, 2003
09:04 am - countdown...
I'm still alive for those of you who notice my prolonged absence. I am currently in transition and do not have a computer yet. Well I don't have access to the internet. So once that is in order I will update about all the boring and hectic things I've been doing with my life. Miss you all.
ke.
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March 10th, 2003
10:32 am - stress...
My life has taken on a hectic quality over the last four days or so. First was the great apartment hunt. There were six apartments to look at on Friday.
The first was at Clarion and Kater which is almost on 13th and South, but it's not. The listing said it was. They originally said 1000, then changed it to 1100 a month while we were looking at it. This was a fucked up apartment. It didn't have a door! I would like to have an apartment with a door, what it had instead was a garage. It was surrounded by empty lots and condos under construction. It's only redeeming factor was that it had a garage.
The next place was on 3rd st. Great street awesome apartment. I fell in love with it on site. It was brand new, we would have been the first tenants. It was bi-level with awesome built in bookcases. Lot's of light, nice little view, washer and dryer, very big for a one bedroom. We had decided to get that. But wanted to look at the other places first.
Pine street had the most terrifying spiral stairs I've ever seen. It was tiny and just really tiny. It was also a bi-level, but imagine having to hoist your bed over a wall to get it to the bedroom. The stairs, nothing could go up those stairs. Not boxes, not furniture, barely people. Horrific. Lovely little courtyard setting though.
Next was the Rittenhouse Sq. apartment which I walked into and felt immediately at home. It's got a unique I shape design. Large, very high ceilings, fireplace, deck, and bay windows in the living room. Only problems with it was the pink bathroom, and it's kind of dark, not much sunlight gets into all of the rooms. Parking is a bitch. Best not to have a car. We got that apartment on the spot. Signed the lease on Saturday. My very first apartment. The joy of that had me giddy all weekend long.
That is until reality set in, and thoughts of all the work that had to be done creeped in and smothered my joy. Cleaning is the first thing. We opted not to have them clean it, instead we got the first month's rent free. Furniture. We bought a bed already, but chairs, couches, tables, and all the other odds and ends need to be bought. The biggest problem seems to be buying a workstation that can hold up to 4 computers.
Then packing and actually moving all of our shit comes into the picture. I personally am not moving my books. This is a very important decision, but it would be too much of a hassle to move them. I will take only one box. Greg on the other hand has about 10 boxes worth of computer books that need to be moved. Blah. Moving is a bitch.
Which barely brings us to this morning. I walked outside to get into my car, only to find that some non-caring motherfucker I can't drive son of a bitch asshole had driven whatever piece of shit he drove into the back of my car and tore off my fucking bumper and mangled my fucking car. Shit shit fuck! Ok. It's not as bad as it sounds but I am still immeasurably pissed about it, and would mangle his/her face if I ever found out who did it.
End of story.
ps. I got kickass new rollerblades yesterday and am now learning how to use them.
ke.
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March 8th, 2003
08:46 pm - another question- - another answer
montfort -- Except for things like breathing/eating and working, is there anything you feel obligated to do? (For example, my answer is "writing" -- I have to do it.)
-- For a moment I had to mull over what my personal difference between always wanting to do something or having to do it. I see having to do it as something that even though I don't want to do it I still have to do it. The only thing that I always want to do and that I don't feel fulfilled if I don't do it is reading. I guess that would also be my answer for what I feel obligated to do. If I don't do it I don't feel the same, I have to. It's such a large part of who I am as a person. Make sense?
ke.
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07:45 pm - if you liked what you saw. Feel free to ask me more questions....
obie -- If I were to buy a costume, what costume would be me?
-- I have already answered this one.
kookyfaerie -- What would be a good new nick for me?
-- Truthfully I don't know enough about you to come up something even half way decent.
sillycrazychica -- How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
-- Already answered this one.
daionus -- Why is the truth so awful?
-- Already answered this one.
sirhcbazz -- Why are strawberry's the only fruit with the seeds on the outside??
--Already attempted to answer this one.
fredfarkle -- any tattoos? any plans for more? any you're embarassed about and want to remove?
-- I have too many tats, that's all I will say. No plans at the moment to get anymore, and that's only cause I can't afford it right now. I would never remove a tattoo. It's just not worth it.
neener6983 -- How old are you?
-- 21. My birthday was in November(Scorpio!!!)
h2bhc -- whats bush going to say tonite?
-- That he's an idiot. But not in so many words.
daredevilcomic -- Still interested in going out some time? With me?
-- Sorry I can't. If I wasn't in a relationship with someone that I absolutely adored. Only then I would take you up on it.
alkemy -- If you were diagnosed with a terminal illness and had only 3 months to live, what would you do? (I expect a serious answer, and not a "clever" or "funny" one, please, thank you)
--Well first there are certain assumptions that I would have to make. I assume that this terminal illness also does not make me an invalid. I assume I can operate normally as though I weren't about to keel over. To be completely honest in that case. I would increase the limit on my credit card, buy a plane ticket to Spain. I would really want to backpack through some European countries for about two months. The last month I would spend with Greg(he might also go to europe) and my family. Call up as many old friends as I could get in touch with, not to tell them I'm dying, but to tell them to appreciate life and all it has to offer. Other than that, if I had the time. I would write a book of poetry. I'm sure that there are many things that I am missing. Mainly I would just want to be around people I loved and who loved me. I would bask in that feeling. I would treasure human contact. Make sense?
crowned_slave -- Why must we exist..?
-- We exist for passion. Passion has little to do with euphoria and everything to do with patience. It is not about feeling good. It is about endurance. Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati.
It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer.
mariposabonita -- Are you happy?
-- I am insanely happy at the moment. Greg and I just signed the lease today on our first apartment together(my first apartment ever), I am in love with my new place. Yes in this I am happy.
isobal -- What do you do for a living and spare time?
-- For a living meaning what do I get paid to do? I get paid to answer phones. What do I do? I'm a programmer. Spare time is filled with reading. And then more reading. It is before all other things what I enjoy most in life. Other than that I watch movies at one of philadelphia's little artsy movie houses and try to find interesting to places to eat out. And make silly faces with Greg. Hmm.. that doesn't seem like much. What else do people do?
ke.
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March 6th, 2003
12:30 pm - Do this for my boredom....
Poll #109704: Questions
Open to: all, results viewable to: allAsk me anything. Advice. Something personal. Anything. Just Ask! View Answers
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March 1st, 2003
08:30 am - more on the subject ::: taken from  satan_dot_com
Dear Sir or Madame,
It has come to my attention that you have put up a picture of our church's
entrance sign in your "Livejournal". One of the members' children happened
across this "Livejournal", and his parents caught him perusing your web
sight when they saw this picture.
I must insist that you remove that picture from your web sight
immediately. I will not attempt to impose upon your 1st Amendment rights,
so please don't feel that I am demanding you cease doing whatever it is you
do, even though I myself have visited this "Livejournal", and found your
little hobby to be not only highly objectionable and in poor taste, but
also blasphemous to our Lord.
It does not anger me that you do this, though I do pity your soul and the
destructive path you have chosen by attempting to make a mockery of Jesus
Christ and all He stands for to us, and for all He has given us. I know
you are probably attempting to achieve "shock value" with this little
venture of yours, and to anger the Christian public, but it will not work.
I feel sorry for you, not angry. I will, in fact, pray for your soul.
However, I will not allow you to use my church as the butt of one of your
sick little games, or to manipulate or corrupt people, not only children,
but adults as well. To put an image of the followers of God upon something
so horrible, immoral, sick, and controversial as your "Livejournal" is in
the eyes of most people, myself included, as well as the Lord, is one of
the greatest shows of disrespect I have ever seen. Either remove the image
from your "Livejournal", or I shall be forced to take action.
This is a very serious matter, and needs to be resolved immediately.
Sincerely,
Rev. Brian Webber
Carrollton Avenue Baptist Church
New Orleans, LA
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February 27th, 2003
09:45 pm - I saw this and just wanted to share the humor.....
Umm.. Am I the only person that finds this to be unbelievably funny?
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February 19th, 2003
11:20 am - snow pics
I finally made it out of the snow. I took some pictures on the drive home.
( Read more... )
ke.
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February 17th, 2003
10:51 am - let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
Philadelphia is currently laying beneath 20 or more inches of snow. Which at this very moment is being made even better with a nice layer of freezing rain. That will then be followed by another 4 to 8 inches or so of snow. We are looking at up to 32 inches all together. That's a lot of snow for us. Last year it was 70 degrees in January, now it snows every week.
I spent Valentine's Day with Greg, slept over at his place then got up and went into work the next morning. Hell of a commute, since we had gotten 3 or so inches that morning. I came back because we had decided to get snowed in together, well to be honest it wasn't planned. By the time I was ready to leave it was much too late and the drive would have been horrible. So I went to the store for essentials, things a girl need when spending days away from home.
Here I am snowed in. I can't go home, I can't go anywhere. What am I going to do. I have to be into work later this afternoon. I wonder if I can call out. Maybe.
On the double plus side, I watch Hedwig and the Angry Inch last night. I love that movie.
Update: I just called my workplace, they are open and in business. Though I told them I was snowed in and would not be coming to work today. My boss said everyone was snowed in, and we giggled over the fact that the snow in some places was more than half of our height. Tall snow and Short people don't work well together.
Time for a smoke break.
ke.
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February 10th, 2003
07:17 pm - it's coming
It's coming like a dark plague upon us. Valentine's Day.
I have mixed feelings about this supposedly special day. One part of me wants to be the anti-Valentine crusader and say that it's all bullshit. Not because I am single but rather because you shouldn't need a special day to make someone feel loved or to feel as though you are loved. Why not do this everyday. Why not treat the one you love like the wonderful human being they are all the time.
Every year the single people rally together as though this were a war. The seemingly happy couples on one side and the bitter singles who wish they were one half of a seemingly happy couple on the other. The both bitch about the other, though mainly Valentine's day seems to be more of an issue for the singles out there. I don't understand. Why feel bad? It's just a stupid day. In fact what you are celebrating, is St. Valentine being beaten to death with clubs and then having his head chopped off. Now do you feel romantic?
All those women who expect their significant others to jump through hoops and buy them presents and take them out. Or the ones who plan special sex dates for this occasion. Or the ones who make dates with their friends to go out and get drunk and bitch and moan about their single status. This occasion reminds me of Christmas, another way for greeting card and chocolate companies to make lots of money.
Remind what exactly about chocolate is romantic?
That's one side of the story.
The other part of me says, ooohh Valentine's day. I have a boyfriend and I want him to do something extra special for me. I want an extravagant evening and then have him stick his tongue up my ass in the candlelight. Very romantic. I want all those cliche flowers and candy. So I have this conflict going on inside of me, I wonder which one will win?
ke.
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February 8th, 2003
06:54 pm - What's with me, sometimes I don't even understand myself.
Here I am spending the weekend with Greg. I must say he has quite the temper, when things don't go his way. We aren't arguing or anything but, he seems to be feeling quite antisocial when it comes to his roommate. She's playing at some club tonight which he doesn't want to go to, so he's avoiding her. Which means I'm supposed to entertain him. But all I can think about are my fucking cramps that won't go away. Sometimes I hate being a woman. Rather, I should say sometimes I hate having a uterus and ovaries, and ovulating, and all of that bull.
I just want to relax, eat some pasta, watch Y tu mama tambien and then snuggle and go to sleep. I've spent the last few hours playing warcraft, which is a very interesting game, but it gets boring after awhile. I don't see how anyone can play it for hours and hours.
Ah well. I must now entertain myself while G. makes dinner for us. Blah.
ke.
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February 7th, 2003
12:12 pm - can't sleep, the clowns will eat me.
I've had a very eventful uneventful day thus far. Though my room is a sty and there are anti-depressant pills littered all over it for some strange reason. Which reminds me that I must update about the really hilarious night I had while I was trying to kill myself. So there I was, boo hoo crying and listening to music. Everyone once in awhile taking two or three pills. It's really funny when you look back on it. Greg got fed up with me around 11 or 12. " I'm sleepy, hope you don't die or anything, bye." was the gist of it. So there I am in bed, a little freaked out, cause this was one of those I don't really want to die I just want someone to notice that I'm really fucking depressed sort of things. But I felt like I was dying. Paranoia. In bed staring at the ceiling, bored, I want to just fall asleep but can't. That's when the light fixtures start talking to me. Seriously. Very omnious things. They wanted to get me, and eat me. So I'm thinking to myself, no fucking way are the light fixtures talking to me, this has got to be a hallucination. So I look away, and my hand lotion starts looking at me funny. Does anyone else see the humor in this? Anyway. I'm staring at the hand lotion, and it's got a head, and it's head is swiveling towards me, and it's got this really menacing look in it's eyes. Yes! Fucking eyes, on a lotion bottle! By this time I'm muttering to myself that this isn't real. I look away, try to ignore it, the fucking light fixtures are laughing at me at this point. I'm just paranoid and most of the inanimate objects in my room are out to get me, I'm so fucking terrified. There I am frozen in bed, barely blinking, or breathing. Then. I'm startled awake. This is to say. I stopped breathing without realizing it, passed out, then regained conciousness in a very startled leap up in bed sort of way. Only to have it happen again and again. Till I finally woke up in the morning, just like any other day. Let's just say I will never take Wellbutrin again.
I went to my doctor the next day. This was after I spent two hours staring and my shoes and crying. I could barely dress myself. Told him I was depressed. He got really excited and basically threw a prescription for Paxil at me. Told me to call emergency services and then threw me out of his office. I called, and they ask the dumbest questions. "Are you thinking of killing yourself right now?". Fucking yes, just to get away from these questions. Blah blah, emergency room and what not. That was all pretty boring. I filled my prescription. Started taking the Paxil right away.
Stay away from Paxil!!
I started feeling better. I was able to dress myself and go to school. The paxil helped alot. At first. Then I was just tired all of the time, in a daze. A zombie. Couldn't feel anything. Just slept 19 hours a day. Felt weird. That's the only way I can describe it. Weird.
I could go on with this post, but I don't feel like it. I'm making a comp for Greg and I have a headache. Nap time. I will finish this post later.
ke.
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09:24 am - it's about time i wrote an update
Comments are now enabled. I got really tired of an empty mailbox.
ke.
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January 27th, 2003
03:34 pm
You know it's bad when you start talking to yourself. Trying to make yourself feel better. It's a really lonely feeling.
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02:38 pm
You're sick:
you're on your back:
it's hot:
they take off a leg:
you wake up and feel,
both hands:
you develop pride
in the sewmanship
and show it:
a tube in your skull bursts:
you bleed half
still:
with one arm
you show how
the other flops:
you show, show:
speechless with pantomime:
you're on your back:
it's hot:
they take the other one off:
then you fail
some
with difficulty
of redundancy:
you're on your back:
you are heavy and hard:
your heart bursts and you are weightless:
you ride to a high stillness:
in death's cure, you exit right.
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January 24th, 2003
11:07 am - still kicking
Failed again. Damn me.
ke.
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January 21st, 2003
01:06 pm - cleaniness is next to godliness::.. Fuck that..
Must clean. Must clean. Argh!!!
I'm such a lazy bitch.
ke.
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January 20th, 2003
07:22 pm - Nobody loves me, it's true. Not like you do....
When was the last time that I fulfilled my priorities? I'm not quite sure. I can't remember the last time I said I was going to do something and then actually did it. I really need to motivate myself. I let myself get caught up in the worrying and the planning yet not the actual implementing. I tend to put off the things I know that I should do for the sake of doing things that I semi-enjoy. For instance I really need to clean and do laundry, but that has to wait for I really need to do my homework before that. But then my rational mind will say to me, you have off next weekend why not devote your time then to work. Then my brilliant little brain says, yeah that's a good idea let's do that. When the weekend comes around, and I'm motivated to start, I will find other things to do. Well, I can devote all day Sunday to school work. That never happens. It just doesn't get done. Frustration set's in midweek when its time to turn it in and I have only one day or two days left to complete it. That's when I start crying and stressing and god god why didn't I do this sooner. What was I doing with my time.
I haven't read or purchased a book in a long time. Books are usually my escape. I don't have the time to escape anymore. Being submerged in reality is causing me to lose my faith. They say that those that are focused on happiness will never find it. The only way is to focus on that which makes you happy. Reading has always been my happiness. I don't have that anymore. Why don't I have that anymore. I have been much too focused on trying to get things done and keeping other people happy while neglecting myself. I have been neglecting myself. I have been focusing on the all the bad things in my life and all of my shortcomings because well, I really don't have anything to pride myself in. Java programming baffles me, because I am stupid. It's not giving up, it's stating a fact. It's not as though I can say, yeah I'm not too good at this but I'm really good at this other thing. There is no other thing. I can't make anyone happy, I can't do anything.
Maybe the problem is that I expect too much of myself. I expect to understand immediately. It's a product of always being the smartest girl in any given class. Now that I'm getting older I find that I am not at all exceptional. I am not magnificent. I am far from perfect. But is it so wrong to want to be perfect in someone else's eyes. Is it so wrong to want validation of your self-worth. To have someone say good job. To get a pat on the back. Everyone works well with positive reinforcement. That's what keeps us going. If you fail at everything, or you percieve yourself to fail at everything. How long before you start giving up. How long before you start lowering your expectations of yourself. The bar gets lower and lower. When nothing becomes of your life you feel a failure and you have no one to blame but yourself. People aren't always strong alone. Sometimes it takes someone to boost you up. That's why we have friends, to love our company. That's why we have lovers, to love our happiness. That's why we have parents, to love our accomplishments. That's why we have professors, to love our minds. Where would we be without these people. Without the support.
I used to tell myself that, if I didn't have to work. Then I could focus on school and be happier. It's not as though my father could not afford it. But I don't have that kind of support. So I work, I stress, I struggle. I get nowhere. I sometimes think I must be a very weak person because I want things to be easier. The goal will be that much more fulfilling if the road is rough. Yeah yeah whatever. I wish my mother was there for me more. I wish someone was there for me more.
I have to do this alone, with very minimal support. There is nothing more that I can ask for. People have their own lives, there own problems.
I will let the weight of my own thought burden me. That way, no one else shall have to put up with me.
ke.
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10:45 am - ::experiment::
For the time being I am disabling comments. I am trying to write more, and I feel as though I can't write for myself if I have an active audience. Well it's all perception. If there is something anyone would really like to say to me, you can always email me or just talk to me on messenger.
I just want to see where my writing goes, when I am not worrying about others thoughts.
ke.
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12:54 am
If this comes creased and creased again and soiled
as if I'd opened it a thousand times
to see if what I'd written here was right,
it's all because I looked for you too long
to put it in your pocket. Midnight says
the little gifts of loneliness come wrapped
by nervous fingers. What I wanted this
to say was that I want to be so close
that when you find it, it is warm from me.
end.
ke.
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12:20 am
Poll #93691: Alone
Open to: all, results viewable to: noneIf you had to remember the moment in your life when you felt the most alone, when would it be? View Answers
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January 19th, 2003
09:02 pm - boredom leads to multiple posts in a short period of time....
I'm sitting here listening to some Mindless Self Indulgence, who I have taken a liking to. Regardless to get to the point. I was doing a directory search and I saw someone with a Smeagol icon. That's when I realized that I have a habit of rooting for the bad guy. That statement doesn't really sum up my thoughts. I read the books but while watching the movie, how could you not feel sorry for Smeagol. I kept hoping that he would eat Sam in his sleep and take the ring back to his mountain retreat. Of course that won't happen though. Even with the Left Behind book series. I am rooting for the Anti-Christ. I'm even planning on naming my first child Nicolae, even if it's a girl. Yeah, I have this thing for the underdogs, and the bad guys are always the underdog cause you know that they are going to lose in the end. What's so good about goodness anyway. Blah. Sounds like the Bad guys are the ones with dreams and aspirations. They have dedication. They are the ones with the goals. What's wrong with that. So what they sometimes want to destroy the world. Isn't that already happening everywhere anyway. Shit, a Democracy only works when people aren't stupid. So we all know how well that works don't we. Ah well, I guess, I'm just weird that way.
ke.
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05:51 pm - hahahaha...oh my fucking god...
This is proof that I would make a god awful parent.
Don't you just love the so called start of the work week. I was up so late last night. I reckon I got to sleep around 4am, then I had to be up at 8am to take my niece to camp.
She didn't make it today.
I am so ashamed, I asked her, Caress are you looking forward to camp today? She told me "not really". So I told her I would give her $20 if she didn't tell my sister that we stayed home and watched cartoons today.
Well she watched cartoons. I was asleep.. She was fine, the house didn't burn down or anything. I have nothing against children, it's just that they are only cool for short amounts of time. Anyway, I promised her icecream if she left me alone, so I guess I have to keep my word.
ke.
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05:25 pm - I get old
Since I am quite bored. I took the time to read back to some of my earlier entries and I must say. I think I used to be more intelligent. Here is my very first post :
I will consider this to be my first journal entry. I usually post on deadjournal, but with the recent opportunity to get a livejournal account I have done so. I am not really sure if I should transfer all of my old entries to this new journal or if I should just make a fresh start. I will figure that out later. I don't know anyone on livejournal and it's not that I had so many friends on deadjournal, so I'm hoping maybe things will change. If they don't, it's not really a big deal. I can write just for me or I can write for other people. I am not here to entertain you. This is my journal, my personal thoughts, my feelings. They are not meant to amuse you, though if they do, that's fine too. I am not what I would consider a fluffy person. Those are the people with no depth, no real sense of self, no purpose in life other than to have fun. These are people who know nothing about the world in which they live. You could ask them, Where's the closest GAP and I'm positive they could tell you. Ask them Where the closest independant bookstore is and you get a blank stare. That's not really fair of me to say and I don't really care. It's personalized knowledge. So what. I don't know everything either. I don't know anything. I have no real claim to say that knowing where the Gap is somehow not as relevant as knowing where a bookstore is. My point is this, I am not fluffy. I will be the first to admit that I am a strange person. I like to think I don't fit into any molds though we all do. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you are being true to yourself.
I'm rambling, but I can do that, so it's ok. More on me. I'm a very lonely person. I have friends but not too many. I don't go out too much. I go to school full time and I work full time. This may make you think that I am some sort of responsible person who has got there shit together. You couldn't be more wrong. I don't have anything together. I graduate in the spring with a degree in English Lit and I have no idea what I'm going to be doing with myself. I don't really have a set in stone future plans, everything is just sort of up for grabs. I want to travel overseas, but who knows if that will happen. I'm just living life day to day for now.
There's going to be alot of poetry in this journal, I can tell already. Usually I will be either depressed and self-defeating or I will be silly and in some sort of good mood. I am interchangable. I am sort of involved with someone at the moment. It is a very strange and baffling situation for me. I won't be writing about any sweet loving nights that we spend together, they just don't happen for me. I'm with someone who in my opinion hates me. You would think, that would be enough for me to break it off, but nope, I'm kind of desparate for affection right now. It probably won't last for much longer anyway. I will talk about that in a later post.
END::..
I haven't changed that much. Which I find to be rather surprising. I guess I live in some sort of cyle machine. Where my life just rotates up and down. Againg and again. I suffer with the same problems and issues while never really getting over them. That entry was written while I think I was in some serious denial about my life and my relationship with a certain someone. I think because this journal was new, I was holding back alot of what I was feeling. At that time I was so violently depressed and lonely that I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't have anyone to talk to or confide in. I felt lost. I don't think you can pick that up from this post though. Not at all.
This was the first poem I ever posted :
Have you listened for the things I have left out?
I am nowhere near the end yet and already
hear
the hum of omissions,
the chant of vacancies, din of
silences:
there is the other side of matter, antimatter,
the antiproton:
we
have measured the proton: it has mass: we
have measured the antiproton: it has negative mass:
you will not
hear me completely even at this early point
unless you hear my emptiness:
go back:
how can I
tell you what I have not said: you must look for it
yourself: that
side had weight, too, though words cannot bear it
out: listen for the things I have left out:
I am
aware
of them, as you must be, or you will miss
the non-song
in my singing: it is not that words cannot say
what is missing: it is only that what is missing
cannot
be missed if
spoken: read the parables of my unmaking:
feel the rising bubble's trembling walls:
rush into the domes
these wordy arches shape: hear
me
when I am
silent.
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04:27 pm - sickness
I must have eaten something yesterday that is making me violently ill. This is all very disgusting to me. Last night, well it was still early in the evening when I started to feel obscenely nauseous. I made it through most of the night simply because I didn't want to gross anyone out by vomiting on their shoes, or god forbid their car. As soon as I got into the door, I had to make a mad dash for the bathroom. Christ, I haven't been this sick since the last time I ate at Olive Garden and got food poisoning. That was my night, trying to catch a few moments sleep between the dry heaving.
Greg is such a sweetie. I think. Depends on how you look at it. He was nice enough to go out of his way to bring me something to eat, but then that just started another round of the ******. Even trying to type it nauseates me. God! I'm going back to bed. There is no one to talk to, no one to type to, and most of all. There is nothing to watch on TV.
ke.
Not that I watch TV or anything.
Current Mood: sick
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January 14th, 2003
06:37 am
Every year
every
I have learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this; the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things;
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
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January 12th, 2003
11:27 pm - un-weekend update
I've been home for a few hours, but mainly since I left work Friday till today I was with someone very special to me. I guess that's my way of saying that I've fallen for someone. They say that Spring is the time for love. But sometimes it happens in the dead of winter. When all is cold and quiet. I have not been involved in a functional relationship in awhile. There was Jonathan whom I thought I loved. Now I have to wonder. Was it the relationship I loved or him? What will you tell yourself when all you want is to snuggle up with someone at night. When all you want is someone to validate your feelings of self-worth. I don't think that's very healthy anymore. Regardless of how hurt I was when it was over between us. I learned alot from him. Such valuable things as, when you can't be yourself around someone, it's not worth it.
I don't feel that way anymore. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so crazy. Sometimes I give in to my silly fantasies of what normal is, and I wish it were me. I have my moods. Who doesn't. There is something empowering about just being loved. Not because. Just loved. Being appreciated is always good. I feel good when I'm with him. Though I will admit, that sometimes I look at him, and while I may be smiling. Inside I'm thinking, what does he see in me? When will he realize that I'm nothing. When will the good times stop. Then the voice of reason kicks in and says "Shut up bitch, why ruin something with your unjustified self-doubting". At least I think that's the voice of reason. It could be the voice of rationalization. I am happy for the most part. I try not to worry, and micro manage everything. I try not to read into things. I can honestly admit to myself that I love him. Despite all my rantings to the contrary. Love exists. Most people just don't realize what it really is. They usually see it as they wish it could be.
I need to take a shower before I go to bed. But I don't really want to. I still have the smell of him lingering on my skin. It's as though he is still with me. In my mind I can see his twinkling blue eyes as he tells me he is going to gut me. It was our first weekend away together. It was good, just us. No distractions. We didn't really do anything. Just a little shopping. Eating out. Lot's of laughing. I love the feel of him. I love the smell of him. God, I'm driving myself crazy thinking about him. It's all just so cute. I miss him. Even though I will see him in a few days probably.
Note to self: Wipe that stupid smile off of your face.
I was intending this to be a private entry. But ah well. What's the point. It's my journal, my thoughts. If I didn't intend for anyone to know what I was thinking then I wouldn't have an online journal.
ke.
Current Mood: peaceful
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January 10th, 2003
12:44 pm - paradise
A wonderful relaxing weekend away from the city. That's what I'm looking forward to very much. I'm such a girl though. How much shit could one person possibly need for a weekend. A lot apparently.
ke.
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January 9th, 2003
12:46 pm - shit bitch
Ever need someone to just give you a fucking hug or a million dollars. That's what I need right now.
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January 8th, 2003
11:16 am - there is such a thing as being under appreciated...
I am simply full of the one liners lately. Sometimes I think I want too much out of life. That I should be happy with what I have versus potentially happy with the things I do not have. I am quite the quitter. Things get tough and my response is why bother, it's not worth it. I do that with work, school, relationships, my writing. Why bother really? If I sat down and tried to think about it. Nothing is so important that it can't be done without. Except maybe your life. Let's just assume you *are* alive.
I need some sort of passion in my life.
ke.
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09:48 am - relationships
I had completely forgotten how much they consume you.
ke.
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07:59 am - People different from us...
In November, Jason Morris, 30, was acquitted by a jury in Greater Manchester, England, of the charge that, using ordinary pliers, he pulled out 18 of his girlfriend's teeth, leaving her covered head to toe in blood. The case turned when the girlfriend, Samantha Court, 25, took the witness stand and admitted that she pulled the teeth out herself, during an April drug binge during which she tried to get rid of a green and pink fly that had darted down her throat. Court said the couple has decided to stop doing drugs.
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January 7th, 2003
09:32 pm
Oh god,
my eyes
are
bleeding!
No wait,
those are
just
t
e
a
r
s
rolling
down my
face.
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January 3rd, 2003
02:11 am - girlfight
I haven't been up this late in a long time. I guess that's part of the working life. Responsibility and all of that. I just finished watching GirlFight. It was lacking at best. The concept of the movie is interesting. I also wasn't really bored by it. I can't complain about the acting. Though I just think that the story was shallow. They took female boxing and turned it into a love story. Ah well. I also rented Donnie Darko which I plan on watching tomorrow sometime. Hopefully that will be better.
ke.
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January 2nd, 2003
09:56 pm - how utterly depressing
Are you damned?
You can laugh at the silly superstitions of the religious, safe in the knowledge that we are only dust and lies. All that will be left of you after you die is a slow decay and some fading memories in the minds of your friends. Hope you're enjoying your life at the moment- there's nothing better to come.
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11:27 am
Men in skirts are sexy.
ke.
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11:09 am - "No one ever really dies"
Time advances. Time slowly wastes away. Everyone makes promises, goals. Plan their minutes down to the second. Micro-manage. Keep doing that and life will eventually kick you in the ass. I write life as though it was some entity with plans for you, when really I am only trying to convey my thoughts on coincidences. I don't believe in faith. I don't believe in destiny. I believe in the steady passing of time until your death. Whatever you fill those minutes with is your own. But death is eventual. Sounds depressing doesn't it? I don't think it is. What I find depressing is the menial tasks that get in the way of living. Like a job.
The New Year gives the illusion that you can start all over. That everything from the year before is wiped clean, and all is fresh and bright. Such bullshit. Whatever works.
I plan on relaxing and just being lazy from now on. Why run myself ragged trying to live up to other people's expectations. The most important person in my life is me. That's who I have to keep happy. Otherwise she will kick my ass.
Poetic.
Sobre mi corazon llueven frias corolas.
ke.
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December 31st, 2002
06:38 pm - Happy New Year!!
It's the last few hours of 2002. I wanted to reflect, but there seems to be no time. Maybe tonight as I look up into the night sky. I will think of all that I have done this year. The good and the bad. I will think of my best moments. Or I could do it now.
This year I:
Turned 21
Fell in Love
Fell out of Love
Fell into something
Made new friends
Learned 6 programming languages
Created my own website
Spent a lazy Spring Break week in Florida
Drank champagne off the stomach of a flamboyantly gay bartender
Discovered scores of new bands
Learned to be a bit more mature in my personal relationships
Learned not to hate people as *much*
Danced the night away with my bestfriend whom I hadn't seen for a year
Changed my outlook on life for the better
Changed my hair color 6 times
Got new tatoos
Got new piercings
Kept my room clean for more than 2 weeks
Was happy
Was unhappy
Went through 5 guys
Had my heartbroken once
Vowed to gut 49 people
Drove to Florida and back from Pennsylvania
Didn't freeze to death in a jeep with no heat in the middle of snow/ice storm that couldn't stop or else!
Ate alligator meat
Shit the list will grow and grow if I don't stop now. I know I've done a lot of meaningful things this year, that I am probably not thinking of, but who wants to read a list with 2 million items. I could write something for everyday I lived this year. Everyday was meaningful. Every day was something special. All the hardships, all the joy. All the love, and all the pain. All of it was living. I was alive and able to expierence so many new things, that makes it worthwhile. All my tears were a treasure. My laughter was a treasure. Best of all I learned what true happiness is, and what it isn't. Happiness is loving your self, and not being fluffy. Yeah. I know I'm being sappy.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying"
ke.
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December 28th, 2002
11:42 am - Hazards
If anyone should ever want to kill themselves all you have to do is go to the supermarket. Yes. Just walk across the parking lot. I saw the most hideous accident just a bit ago. Some lady decides to cross the street, well parking lot lane. With all sorts of traffic coming and going. I know there must be sign somewhere that says pedestrians have the right of way, but that isn't a license to be an idiot.
Painful. Poor lady.
ke.
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December 27th, 2002
10:54 am - The girl of your dreams..
A startling and disturbing Web site recently rose to online notoriety. It welcomes visitors with a picture of a female, shown from behind, whom it describes as the perfect woman. She's attractive, intelligent, well dressed, and "Doesn't throw tantrums. Maybe she can even skydive." But would-be suitors have a problem. "You aren't some law-breaking psycho. You can't STALK her.
"But we can."
( Stalk her here )
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08:23 am - My gal Friday.
Friday's are the best day of the week. But only when you don't have to work the next day. Otherwise it is just like any other day of the week. The end of my week is looking up. I think. I got my very cool Christmas present from Greg last night. I love it so much.
Friday. Yeah!
I just fucking love Friday's, when I don't have to work the weekend.
ke.
Current Mood: content
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December 26th, 2002
11:10 am - Mindless Self Indulgence
This is the reason why I say it is much better when you have no idea of what the singer is saying. The music that goes along with it is cool, but the lyrics, really, he could do so much better.
In the twilight of my life
I don't need no grammys
Rock my gay acceptance speech
Most of all I'd like to..
Thank god
For programming my beats
I'd like to thank god
for making me hard like I'm from the streets
God wrote all my dopest rhymes
Especially the ones about shooting niggaz and
getting
fucking high
Jesus H Muthafuckin boom boom Christ
I been doin dis fo money and fo sex all nite
Its the song that be gettin me erect ai-aight
The scenario is scary yo its fukkin up your
stereo
In the twilight of my life
I don't need no grammys
Rock my gay acceptance speech
Most of all I'd like to..
Thank god
For programming my beats
I'd like to thank god
for making me hard like I'm from the streets
God wrote all my dopest rhymes
Especially the ones about dealing drugs and
rolling
with my thugs
Jesus H Muthafuckin boom boom Christ
I been doin dis fo money and fo sex all nite
Its the song that be gettin me erect ai-aight
The scenario is scary yo its fukkin up your
stereo
In the twilight of my life
I don't need no grammys
Rock my gay acceptance speech
Most of all I'd like to..
Thank god
For programming my beats
I'd like to thank god
for making me hard like I'm from the streets
God wrote all my dopest rhymes
Especially the ones about shootin niggaz and
gettin
fucking stupid
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10:39 am - I was raised on the milk, bitch!
Before my DSL connection went bust again. I spent hours online just downloading music and videos. A new band that I have decided that I really like is Mindless Self Indulgence. Though, it's better if you have no idea what he is saying. By far though, I downloaded Kenny Rogers JackAss, fucking hilarious. "I was raised on the Milk, Bitch!". I guess you just have to see it. It's not really funny if you have no idea what I'm talking about.
I hope everyone had a nice holiday.
ke.
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December 23rd, 2002
10:32 am - Complaints...Last one I swear.
I don't know what I was planning on writing, maybe I am just writing for the hell of it. I'm sitting here and it's one of those moments where I don't know what I'm thinking. Autopilot. The New Year is coming, and I've got to admit that it worries me. I don't want next year to be like this one, at all. I lost too much this year. I suffered through too much heartbreak. I remained stagnant both with my job and with my lifestyle in general. I didn't make any new friends. Though I did lose some. I haven't switched jobs, though I hate the one I have now. A lot of things went wrong this year. But I must say I want to remain optimistic. I can't think that my life will be this way forever.
At times it is more than difficult to remain happy than others. I've spoken to some old friends as of late and I've been told that I'm not my usual self. Not in my livejournal and not in my personal life. Not in the way I talk, not in the way I pretend to smile. I don't even laugh the same. If you don't know me that well, then it would be very hard for you to notice. I have a distaste for complaining yet I do it quite often. Ugh!!! I frustrate the hell out of myself.
"What happened to you? You pulled a vanishing act."
"I've been trying to get in touch with you for weeks, but I get your answering machine or your phone is busy."
I've been hijacked.
ke.
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December 19th, 2002
10:39 am - Out of curiosity
Poll #85209: Christmas
Open to: all, results viewable to: noneIf you could have anything. What would you want for Christmas? View Answers
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December 18th, 2002
11:40 am - Christmas joy
I've been sitting here getting sicker and sicker by the minute. Sicker? I hope that's a word. My muscles ache, my eyes burn, and my throat is on fire. I won't go into any more detail than that. I really don't want to get sick right now. Maybe at the end of the week. I just want to get the stupid Christmas party that my job is having out of the way so that I can start my life of blissful vacation time.
I fucking hate the holidays. I really really hate them. I haven't done any shopping yet, then again I'm not planning on ever doing any shopping. I'm getting a grand total of 2 people gifts. And that's only because I can't avoid it. I'm not a gift giver. I'm a gift receiver. There is a difference. My rationalization is this. I am not religious, I do not think that Christ had a birthday in the middle of winter in a barn, and his mother was a virgin. I don't think he got three presents. Even if all of this were to be true. Don't we already uphold this tradition by obtaining gifts for people on the day of their birth? Look at it another way. Old St. Nick giving gifts to needy children(families). I don't see, nor have I heard anything about going out and harassing poor store clerks for stupid expensive little things that most people don't truly appreciate anyway. My opinion, not that it matters. I give you a gift on your birthday, that is all you need. Leave Christmas for children. They are the only ones that can truly enjoy it. They don't have to deal with the hassle or the money or the headache. They don't have to hunt for parking spots at the mall.
So all that being said. If you don't get a gift from me this year. It's cause:
I'm broke.
I hate malls.
I don't know what you want.
I'm not a Christian.
and
I might just not like you.
ke.
But if you want a Solstice gift. Let me know.
Current Mood: sick
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08:37 am - 21 years for nothing.
I spent most of my day yesterday waiting for the Verizon technician to come and fix my computer. He never came. All that waiting for nothing.
Later on in the evening, I decided that I wanted to go to the state store to buy some alcohol, just because I could. I wasn't even carded. Not even any suspicious looks, nothing. All this time. The weight and importance that turning 21 is given. The least she could have done was card me.
ke.
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December 17th, 2002
09:31 am - If I was slightly dumber, I might consider doing this for about a millisecond.
The art of protest by sewing one's lips together is apparently becoming more popular. A 34-year-old man in Estonia, facing a charge of setting a Mercedes-Benz on fire, showed up in court with stitched lips in May. And in June, 50 refugees, held at the Woomera detention center in Australia, sewed their lips shut to emphasize their hunger strike as they lobbied for asylum. And a 39-year-old man from Iraq with bright red stitching on his lips was picked up by police from a city square in Zurich, Switzerland, in September (but he was unable to tell police what he was protesting, if anything). [Associated Press, 5-3-02] [Canberra Times, 6-29-02] [Reuters, 9-3-02]
ke.
Current Mood: to embrace tenderly in th dark
Current Music: Don't you worry about what my mood is..It doesn't make sense
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09:15 am - silencio
I woke up at 4am this morning. I had to take one of my Mother's friends to the airport. You would think that when you book a flight and getting ready to leave, you would also arrange transportation to the airport. That way you don't have to burden your friends daughter who loves to sleep. Apparently those thoughts never ran through her head. The worse part about it, she wasn't even grateful. She didn't even thank me. Not even a mumbled thanks. Nothing. She's dead to me now.
So not only does this woman get a free ride, not only do I get out of my bed after four hours for her. Not only do I drive all the way to some unknown neighborhood to pick her up. Not only do I have to help her heave her three huge suitcases into the back of the jeep. She has the nerve, the nerve to ask me "When are you going to get a grown up voice?". Some fucking nerve. I've been having violent thoughts as of late, she's lucky I didn't threaten to kill her children then make her eat their entrails. Yeah I know. I'm obviously psychotic. And melodramatic. I just hate that. I go through life just fine, until someone feels the need to point out my voice. Shut up!! I know what I sound like. Though the worse I've heard is that I have a "wispy, weird, elvish voice".
That's it. I'm pushing the mute button. I'm not talking anymore. Not a word is passing through these lips. I will not subject anyone to my voice. I can't work, because all I do is talk on the phone. So long Greg, no more late night phone calls. I'll just have to learn sign language as a means of communication. I thought people were born with some self-preservation instinct. Such as, don't mention that girls voice or she'll gut you. Something.
ke.
Current Mood: digerati(new word)
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December 16th, 2002
10:03 am - It never ends, not even when the fat lady sings.
I just got a phone call from Jodie, my financial aid counselor. Apparently, one of the companies who are supplying me with a loan, lost my paperwork. What does that mean? I've lost my funding for the next semester. Why me? It's never just one thing. Just when I think I've got everything under control. I get slapped in the face with something like this. I need to get another loan, pronto. I can only hang my head in defeat, some days, life wins. Life 21, Me 0. I'm losing big time.
I don't believe that there is any true form or reason to life. Though sometimes, I wish I could believe in fate, or destiny. Or, somebody somewhere doesn't want you to fail. Faith maybe? There has to be a reason for all of this, if there isn't(which i believe) then what's the point. I've decided to take a completely lackadaisical outlook towards life in general. Though, I'm going to keep in mind, that things change. Life always changes, not always for the better, but change it does.
Which reminds me that it's almost the New Year. Every year, I make some crazy resolutions, that I swear I'm going to keep. I usually forget about it in about six hours or so. Then it's back to normal. Last year though I made a resolution, that I would never make another resolution again. I would just look forward to all the adventures the New Year would bring. I told myself that I would learn to appreciate all that I have. For life. Not just for one year. I failed. I hadn't even thought about last year's resolutions till now. 2003 will be different. Promise.
I just have to get through this week.
ke.
Current Mood: discontent
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