The Wayback Machine - http://web.archive.org/web/20031002191914/http://www.livejournal.com:80/users/32flavorsnmore
Jennifer's Journal
 
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jennifer's LiveJournal:

    [ << Previous 20 ]
    Thursday, March 6th, 2003
    4:49 pm
    More drama....
    So we went out on our date last night, and it went fine. I really enjoyed her company. We went to dinner and a movie. I laughed and we kinda cuddled.I just don't know still whether we will make this work. She never seems to want to talk about anything with me. I need her to talk with me, to listen to me. I feel like I am a nuisance to her now. She doesn't show attention to me, and when she does, it's when it's convenient for her. Mabey I am stupid or something, but isn't there two people in this relationship. We used to make plans together everyday. Now it's what are your plans for tonight? I dont even know if she wants to see me. Before, it was we, we, we. Now, it's I, I , I. I don't think we have the same goals, or want the same things anymore. I feel so sad, and confused. If I am going to be in a relationship, I should feel as though they really want to spend time with me. I don't want to be a second choice if other plans don't work out. Steph, just show me you want me, and this relationship. I can't keep giving, and giving, and keep feeling like you just dont want to give back. I will walk away no matter how hard or painful it is to me, to Us..
    Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
    6:45 pm
    dating?
    Well, tonight my sweetie and I are going out on a date together. I love her, and this was a really sweet idea. We are so tired of fighting, and we need this break. Anyways she's here and I have to go.Bye...
    Tuesday, March 4th, 2003
    5:04 pm
    SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I am so tired of feeling this way. All I want is a peaceful relationship, and I just seem to never have one. I love my girlfriend, dont get me wrong, its just that I dont feel like she even considers my feelings, or respects my thoughts, or my wants and needs. I know, me, me , me. But when do you draw the line and stand up for your feelings? If I feel this strongly, then I should probably break up. But thats just it, I dont want to. I love her and our relationship is so much more positve, than negative. I thinks its because she really hasnt had a true relationship, one that has equal partners, and one where she is accountable for her actions. One where her actions and feelings can cause a reaction in someone else, her parnter. I just want her to take what I say seriously and consider my feelings before she does stuff that she knows hurts me. Why would a partner who knows about the things that bother me, not take them into consideration before acting upon them. I need her to open up more to me and talk about our shit. I feel alone most of the time, like I am the only one wanting this to work.I have insecurities, and every day I feel like I am improving on them.My friends say I should just let her go, and if she truelly wants a relationship with me than she will do whatever is necessary to make it work. SHIT!!!!!! I am so sick to my stomach over this shit....AGHHHHH!!!!!!!I would really like some advice if anyone has any to give....

    Current Mood: disappointed
    Current Music: traffic.....zoom, zoom, zoom...
    Saturday, March 1st, 2003
    1:32 pm
    sad and lonely..again.
    I am so sick and tired of feeling not wanted, blah blah blah. I wish I knew what my girlfriend was truelly feeling right now. I cant stand how things are going between us. I want to get things back the way they were, but if we cant then I want to move on. I wish we would just leave each other alone than get back together. Mabey start things over, instead of treating eachother the way we are. It makes me sick the way things keep going over and over in my head. I wish I had an outlet..
    Tuesday, February 25th, 2003
    8:50 pm
    sad times...
    I need some advice if anyones out there.. I need to know how do you earn someones trust? Is there such a way to get something like that back? Isnt it either you trust someone or you dont?. Help!!!!!!!!
    Tuesday, January 14th, 2003
    8:54 pm
    Im back......
    This is just for all my good friends out there who missed me so much...Give me a holler!

    Current Mood: bouncy
    Thursday, April 18th, 2002
    1:03 pm
    Just another day in Cali..
    Well its just another typical day here in Cali.The sun is out, and I am inside. How backwards is that. I am in the middle of remodeling my home, and so I am trapped indoors painting and slaving away. Somebody please rescue me...........Well, I better get back to hell..its missing me.
    Tuesday, April 16th, 2002
    10:30 pm
    suprise!, look whos back......
    Well, I am back..back from hell.....and so on..... I havent been here for awhile, and I know I have so much to write. I dont think I will get to it all tonight, but I will write again soon. So for a little update. I have been living in Washington up until recently. I moved back to California last month. There was soo-o-o-o-o much DRAMA up in my house that I had to get the hell out. I was living with some friends of mine and my girlfriend, ( eventually became my ex) and thats when the drama started. Things just were very confusing for everyone, and it was just not a good scene. So.... I moved back to Cali. The sunshine feels sooooo damn good. I love it here. I do miss all of my close friends up there. But I dont miss the drama that came with it. I thought I'd never see Raeann again, but low and behold, shes moving down here to live with me. Thats a long story in itself. Mabey some other time. So I am now living here and finishing my Cosmetology schooling. I own the house I am living in, so no bills, grandma died and left it to me. ( spoiled brat syndrome ). Everything is finally looking better. So with that, I will go to bed now, and write more later. Sleep tight..Sweet dreams..

    Current Mood: optimistic
    Current Music: Disturbed~ sickness~
    Friday, September 28th, 2001
    8:38 am
    change is in the air..
    Good morning everyone,
    I am having the best day , I got to go to sleep and wake up next to my favorite person in the whole world. She makes me feel so completely and utterly emotionally and physically satisfied. She makes my spirit light up just by looking into her eyes and knowing that she feels the same way as I do, sharing eachothers thoughts and dreams.Experiencing life together. These last few days have felt like a dream and now I know its real. She told me last night while we were sleeping next to eachother, ~forever~. Thats all she said, plain and simple but with so much meaning behind it, ~forever~. We have finally come to the points in our lives where we can finally be together. She said she realized the feelings she had for me and broke up with her girlfriend.We have waited for so long tobe thogether, and it still feels like magic between us.She told me she finally opened her eyes,and wants to be there to make me happy, and so much more. I am beyond words, my dream has finally come true. Thank you god~ Thank you for her, I promise to be gentle with her heart and show her everyday how much I appreciate and adore her. We share souls, now and forever....J*

    Current Mood: loved
    Current Music: Sarah McLachlin / Mirrorball cd
    Wednesday, September 26th, 2001
    9:07 am
    A place for my head..
    I watch how the
    moon sits in the sky/ in the dark night
    shining with the light from the sun
    the sun doesnt give life to the moon assuming
    the moon's gonna owe it one
    It makes me think of how you act to me/ you do
    favors and then rapidly/ you just
    turn around and start asking me/ about
    things you want back from me
    I'm sick of the tension/ sick of the hunger
    sick of you acting like I owe you this
    Find another place/ to feed your greed-
    while I find a place to rest

    I want to be in another place
    I hate when you say you dont understand
    {you'll see its not meant to be}
    I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy
    A place for my head

    Mabey someday I'll be just like you/ and
    step on people like you do and
    run away the people I thought I knew
    I remember back then who you were
    You used to be calm/ used to be strong
    used to be generous/ but you should've known
    that you'd
    wear out your welcome/ now you see
    how quiet it is/ all alone/ I'm so

    Sick of the tension/ sick of the hunger
    sick of you acting like I owe you this
    Find another place to feed your greed-
    while/ I find a place to rest

    You try to take the best of me...
    Go away

    -Linkin Park

    Current Mood: predatory
    Current Music: a place for my head/ Linkin Park
    Tuesday, September 25th, 2001
    9:25 am
    no drama here..........*SMILE*
    Well I am so happy for you all. There seems to be so much drama right now in your lives that there isnt any left for mine. THANK YOU!!!! I am finally past all that bullshit and am getting to be with the one I want. I wont say her name, because of all the drama that could be involved if I do. The gossip likes to spread fast when you have nothing better to do. So to all my so-called friends, or enemies....keep your nose out of my shit, and if you'd like to spread gossip then tell something about yourself. GET A LIFE~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Thanks....

    Current Mood: amused
    Current Music: Turn out the light / Nelli Furtado
    Friday, August 17th, 2001
    12:22 pm
    Long 2 days in Wenatchee.....
    I know I havent written in a really long time about anything important, but I have been busy.
    First let me say that I am trying to deal with my relationshhip with Raeann. As always I am being dealt the joker card. I know that I am her friend, but my heart aaches for her. I got her this job interview with this lawn care company. So her sister and I are driving over Friday to pick her up. I hope she gets the job, and moves over here. Her family really wants to become closer to her, and mend the past. I think thats really cool. I have become really close to her family, I feel like their my own family. Is that good? I dont know right now. Especially since she cant even bring her girlfriend around because I am around. They dont really like the fact that shes dating her, they feel that she treats her like shit, and I feel that way too. I hear things about Lisa and the way that she acts around Rae, and its not good. But, other than that, my only best friend Amy hasnt written me since I've been over here. I guess were not friends anymore.I didnt mean to disrespect her in any way. It was a mistake. I am sorry Amy. Please write me, okay? My girls are returning this Tuesday. I am so excited to see them, its been 3 monthes. They have been visiting their dad,down in California. I bet they are so glad to be getting back to cool Wa. It gets to be 110 degrees there. I have decided to become more of the mother role I should have been this past year.They really are growing up soooo much, and sooooo fast. I cant believe that they are 8, and 7 now. That means that I am growing up as well..YIKES!!!!! iam almost 30. SHIT!!!! Thats scary. I have the heart of a 21 yr. old, and the responsibilities of a 40 yr.old. Oh well, life goes on. I am getting tired, but I will write a few more lines. I am getting to know some really cool people around here, and over in Seattle. I have to go party there at least one time this year. Oh!, Last night I had to call the cops on my friends aunt and uncle because he was hitting her. I was scared, it got way out of hand. SO the cops came and arrested him for domestic violence. I didnt want him to know I was the one who called, because I fear that he might retaliate on me. He has connections. So the judge let him out on bail, and he cant see his wife until Feb 2002. They put a no contact order on him, and thats that. I hope they realize the seriousness of the situation, and take it to heart. I mean shit, they have 2 kids, and they watched the whole thing. It was a bad scene. But I feel good in doing what I did, I just hope he can realize it too. I am tired and my back hurts, so I am going to go.
    *Peace out

    Current Mood: sore
    Current Music: Bmx Sega game....techno music.....sounds cool
    Tuesday, August 14th, 2001
    2:12 pm
    H i g h h h h h h h.....
    Ssshhhhh!!!!!!!!!! I am talking... I smoked the most killer shit tonight. I swear it was the shit..I feel so relaxed right now that it kinda feels like I am floating. I needed this, I have been so uptight. The only down side to getting this fucked up, is I am having the bitch of a time typing. And if you know me, I type slow as it is, so this is like in s l o w motion.. I miss Rae, I cant wait to see her this weekend. We really need to talk about some things. Figure out what the fuck we are going to do.....Anyways enough about her, now back to me.....I kinda got this feeling that this guy Adam has the hots for me. He is such a cutie. Whoah!!! wait a minute, I'm GAY, I cant think that...Oh well blame it on the pot..Well gotta go, I hear a cookie calling me, along with some strawberry milk...yummmm.
    *peace out

    Current Mood: high
    Current Music: fan blowing on my face, its too damn HOT!!!!!!!
    Sunday, August 12th, 2001
    8:45 am
    SO, here I am....alive and well...I think?
    Well, I dont have much time to write, but I will say this, I am alive and well. I start Target next week. Yipee....!!!!!! Actually, I am really happy that I have a job. It gives me something to do other than miss Raeann.
    I really miss her, she is supposed to come over here next week. I hope she does. I want to see her so bad. I think she and Lisa arent doing so well. Lisa is being very jealous of things and controlling. I dont know what Rae is staying with her for. I know what we have is much more. In due time, in due time. I will be patient.
    I still havent heard from Amy, I am not sure if she is mad at me or what? I wish she would e-mail me .I guess she will when she can. I will be patient there as well.
    Other than thiese things in my life, my kids are returning on the 21st. I am really happy to see them. It's been 3 monthes since I have seen them. I think next summer their dads visit can be a little shorter.
    I have to go now, but Iwill be back soon. I need to write more, but dont have the time to do so. *Peace out

    Current Mood: bored
    Current Music: Watching The Devils Advocate...good movie...
    Friday, August 3rd, 2001
    7:58 pm
    eating seeds....crack,pop,slurp.....
    Yum, I am sitting here, lonely and bored, eating my sunflower seeds. I have just now finally finished making mine and Raeann's tapes. It took me 6 hours but, it was worth it. They are the shit.:) I am really bored, dont know what else to do. I guess I could just watch some t.v. Or possibly clean. I dont know but I am getting nowhere fast. I should probally pop some pills and sleep..Or order a pizza? Yumm, that sounds good. I AM BORED !!!!!!!!!
    "Take it to da house, get down....."lol lol this song cracks me up. Makes me feel like I am smokin' crack. lol
    *Peace out

    Current Mood: bored
    Current Music: Take it to da house....?
    7:57 pm
    eating seeds....crack,pop,slurp.....
    Yum, I am sitting here, lonely and bored, eating my sunflower seeds. I have just now finally finished making mine and Raeann's tapes. It took me 6 hours but, it was worth it. They are the shit.:) I am really bored, dont know what else to do. I guess I could just watch some t.v. Or possibly clean. I dont know but I am getting nowhere fast. I should probally pop some pills and sleep..Or order a pizza? Yumm, that sounds good. I AM BORED !!!!!!!!!
    "Take it to da house, get down....."lol lol this song cracks me up. Makes me feel like I am smokin' crack. lol
    *Peace out

    Current Mood: bored
    Current Music: Take it to da house....?
    1:26 pm
    Had a blast..and then....
    Well, yesterday was alot better then I had planned. I saw Rae,and got my fix, she stayed the afternoon and we ran around, got some lunch and watched a movie. Then she stayed for dinner, and we went out dancing. I'd have to say I enjoyed myself yesterday...Amy, Rae, Michelle, and I all went to Mik n" Mac's last night and partyed.
    When we arrived though, guess who was there? Bri, and Amanda, talk about awkward.. I didnt like the scene too well, but I wasnt about to let it ruin my night.
    So, I had a few stiff drinks,and then a few beers. I told myself I wasnt going to drink last night but I ended up doing it anyway. I flirted with Rae and Amanda. I have never been attracted to a femme before. I dont know about her though, she is into this whole" I am going to have the anti christ" thing. That's not my cup of tea.. I mean she is hot, but mabey too wacked in the head for me? I dont know.
    I was way more into Rae than anything. We still have our chemistry, attraction, whatever you want to call it. It's there...The only thing thats really on my mind is, do I hang around for how ever long it takes to have her all to myself? I dont see her leaving Lisa anytime soon, so where does that put me? Am I just the fling, or are the feelings strong enough on her part to let go of her current girlfriend and see where things go with us? I dont know. I guess we will see.
    She and Michelle are going to Sturgis this month,and I cant even begin to explain what the hell is going to happen while she's gone.She will be good ol' Raeann and probally flirt with anything that has a nice ass, breasts, and beautiful hair. Thats her style. Then putting the two of THEM together isnt a good situation. I know I wouldnt want to be her girlfriend while she's at that event. I couldnt handle the constant wondering. I know she's a flirt and that she has a hard time saying no to tempting things. Or mabey thats just with me..yeah, right..Wishfull thiking again.:)
    SO,I am going to go with the flow..
    We leave Spokane tomorrow. She is going to go back with me. I like that feeling..Knowinf that she and I are going to ride together on a Greyhound, (one thing we havent done together):)
    I am going to go and shower now...:) and start making some tapes to listen to.
    *Peace out

    Current Mood: calm
    Current Music: plane flying by..sounds TOO damn low....
    Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
    12:40 pm
    God, I am so HAPPPYYYY!!!!!!!
    I am almost speechless, so this may be short. I am having the best day (in such a long time). I cant stop smiling...and NO, I didnt get laid. Lets just say I have so much to talk about, but I dont have the energy to keep my head up. It's either the hang-over or the towel wrapped around my head. LOL... Either way I dont feel like sitting here typing. I will write more later.
    *Peace out....

    Current Mood: jubilant
    Current Music: uh, ah./ Boyz to Men
    Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
    9:57 am
    Not enough sleep......z z z z z z z ...
    I feel like I am walking around in a daze. I didnt get much sleep last night. Sat up with Amy making tapes. We are off to get some breakfast though,.....need coffee.....need some uppers.....need my pillow.....
    *Peace out

    Current Mood: sleepy
    Current Music: Amy's air conditioner.....bbrrrrrr!!!!!!! I am cold..
    12:25 am
    Cherry Garcia...yummmmm
    I love my Ice Cream!!!!!!!!
    Amy went and got us some ice cream, it's the SHIT!!!!!!!!!!
    She got Phish Food, and I got Cherry Garcia. I am loving life right now....Gots to go...mouth full..
    *Peace out

    Current Mood: jubilant
    Current Music: Puff Daddy on Late Night...
[ << Previous 20 ]
About LiveJournal.com