Date:	2004-05-19 00:01
Subject:	Revelations
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

I haven’t written a journal posting in quite the while. It never feels like I have something to say that’s worth while for others to read. Mostly its just ramblings of inner torments and frustrations, that are better left to be ignored. Tonight I feel enlightened for a reason. As if a giant light is coming down from a higher being making sense of the things around me that were kind of lurking in the shadows before. These things are a part of me and have always been there, except the outside edges have sort of been too dark for me to recognize what’s been there. Now that its clear, I love what I see.

I’ve come to the realization in one evening, over a $1.00 cup of Tim Horton’s Tea that my life is not really as complicated as I have always believed it to be. Of course I have my problems (some of them slightly larger to even fit into the category of being described as a problem) and yet I’ve been handling them so well that they are barley even a concern over the last while. I’m incredibly stressed out lately: school, work, hair show, going out: all truthfully stupid things to be stressing over because they are actually leading me to good and fun places. The path I’m on doesn’t seem so windy today. If I squint and focus my eyes into the distance, I’m pretty sure that I can almost see the end.

I read an article today (while sitting in my four hour hairdresser appointment) about ways of staying optimistic and thinking yourself into a better future. It suggested waking up every morning and looking into the mirror, staring yourself in the eye, and proclaiming, “Today will be the luckiest day of your life.” I strongly believe that the greatest influential power in your life, is your mind itself. It can be your best friend and your worst enemy all within the same day. By making this proclamation you psychologically prepare yourself for your day, look the world in the eye and conquer all that you tackle. At the end of the day you can lie in bed, close your eyes and know that your making tomorrow even better.

I want to project a positive and optimistic aura. I want the characteristics of charismatic, friendly, optimistic, spontaneous, determined and intelligent to all be words used in the way to describe me. It’s a small model of the person I want to shape myself into. I want to use this summer to begin a personal journey of self discovery…I want to find the person that I know I am, who I love and will truthfully conquer this world.

I miss my sisters in all this. I’ve been writing monologue journal entries to them so it feels like they are here. Literally half and world away and I feel slightly lost without them and its only been less then a week. I’m craving a 5 min power nap with Damara and a painful massage from Darlene followed by mac dinner snacks and episodes of the O.C. *sigh* Hurry up 21 days!

I can’t wait for summer school to be over. I have great plans with all my girls to take over part of Toronto this season.

Much love,
Chris

Until late last night and into today, I was perfectly convinced everything was ok. What a harsh realization when the truth sets in.

I must have read at least a million words tonight My brain is completely full of information that has very little importance to the rest of my life, other then providing me with 6 university credits. Instead of spending over 5 hours reading today, i should have taken anta up on her offer for icecream, or stella's offer for coffee. A quick run out with damara and emi but at that point i was too tired to speak, and my thoughts were too complex to explain. It's all so pointless that i do this to myself.

stop. goodnight.

Date:	2004-05-10 12:30
Subject:	Rant
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

This morning I made the choice of deleting my posting from last night to ensure that I didn't make any offenses. If I didn't censor just about everything that goes through my head, I wouldn't have had to make the journal posting in the first place, and maybe if I didn't delete it you would know what I think because we all know that I can't get the words out of my mouth.

My stomach is in anxiety. I've been crying in frustration for days now. I'm so exhausted I fell asleep during lecture today. I still have over 150 pages of reading to do before the end of the week, and that number grows seemingly higher everyday. Every part of my body hurts. My cold will not go away. And I'm in need of a good ranting session, a cup of coffee and a genuine hug.

I'm tired of accommodating everyone else except for myself.

Date:	2004-05-03 20:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky

What I've learned throughout my life is what goes up, will ultimately come back down. And when it does, it will hit the ground with a terrible force that will send vibrations that will shake my world, effecting not only myself, but those around me.

A simple cold becomes the most vicious of sicknesses. Simple tasks of breathing, eating, sleeping, and thinking are effected by the a head completely filled with mucus. Laying in bed for endless hours in sauna isolation from the humidifier is my only hope for relief. The arthritis that has been dormant in my joints for week has woken back up to add to my misery's.

Summer school started again. One day back and the work is already amounted way over my head. My sole motivation is knowing these are the final two classes I'll ever have to take in university. After this summer I can proudly add the letters BA to the end of my name when I sign my unemployment cheques.

I'm so bitter when I'm sick. Ice cream is my only hope, even if I won't be able to properly taste it. That, and a mixture of Tylenol cold, antibiotics and chai tea.

*whining elephant sounds*

Date:	2004-04-23 01:22
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

I have lacked both the time and energy to sit down and properly write down a posting in what seems like forever. My mind is constantly running rampant with thoughts making articulation a difficult task.

My days have been spent at work trying to look as busy as possible, and in most ways ends up being more work then if I actually did something. I’ve sent out over 200 birthday cards in the last two days. I must say I’m quite efficient at my job. Nights have been never ending. I haven’t found more then 5 minutes to myself to actually sit down and take a proper breathe cycle. I’m terrified that if I stop this flow for some rest I might not start up again. Without jinxing my luck, although I’ve had some bad moments over the last couple of weeks, this is the best I’ve felt in so long. This is a good foundation to build upon now; One that has the potential of being healthy. I hope it’s noticeable to those around me.

Bad days have become only minutes. The things around me have taught me to be grateful for all the beauty around me. I know under the layers scars exist, but its my secret, my reminder of a private storage of strength and determinism. The passionate spirits of those in my life (both new, old and rediscovered) are the driving momentum to never letting me quit. In a quiet state in the mist of chaos I can sit back and be appreciative. I’m so glad that I found this again. It’s like visiting with an old friend.

For once I feel at peace, with almost every part of myself. I think its time someone to notices how gorgeous I am on the inside. There is an area of my life that needs to be occupied by you.

Date:	2004-04-20 19:14
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

My heart is pained by the harsh realization that I could have bought at least 9 pairs of shoes with the $900.00 it took to fix my car today. Back to the world of being broke.

Date:	2004-04-12 22:45
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

To live in this skin is uncomfortable. My confidence is quickly dimishing. I find myself wanting to sit more on the outskirts instead of jumping into the situation like I usually do. The three day phone call rule has confirmed my skeptism and has hightened my insecuruities. My smile doesn't feel the same.

Fabric hides it all. Designer labels cover my self-consciousness, my diseased body, my rotting skin. All these reality television shows of women undergoing dramatic plastic surgery to find acceptance of themselves. Plastic surgery can't fix what's ugly on the inside.

Questions of friendship makes this quest for acceptance so much harder. People so quick to drop and pick you up when needed. Denial won't mend together the widening break.

It all feels like a Picasso painting.

These dreams are becoming so vivid. I would risk it all on the chance of it being real. It feels like reality and ficition blur together into one stream of consciousness.

I'm not sure of which parts of my night took place when I was awake. It would take only one specific phone call to put things into perspective and sort out this huge confusion. From what I remember, it was one GREAT Friday.

Date:	2004-04-09 10:07
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

It's Easter. I wish my life was filled with just a few days of peace; externally and internally.


For once I wish I wouldn't fulfill every side effect that comes with a medication. No matter how much a person can prepare you for the worst, it's never that bad until you experience it. I remember once in my life I felt healthy and beautiful. I'm literally now rotting away. This doesn't feel like my last choice, but this must be the last resort.

I'm off to the walk in clinic to beg for some mercy.

WARNING TO MY DEAREST FRIENDS: When attending a function at a club, and you are approached to take a picture which you later learn will be posted online, do yourself the favour and REFUSE THE OFFER! At all costs make sure you do not have yourself posted online or the consequences could be potentially hilarious.

In other news, drugs are working, I feel grand. And for you, STAY OFF THE DRUGS! Oh man i'm hyper. Have a nice night!

Date:	2004-04-05 14:30
Subject:	Enough
Security:	Public
Mood:	grumpy

bum bum owiee.

Date:	2004-04-04 22:26
Subject:	Spreading of disease
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained

My mom's best friend was diagnosed with cancer in her lungs, breast, and liver. It is not confirmed how far spread the disease is, or whether it is malignate or not. My mother has already dedicated herself to Doreen's care. Since her family does not live in Toronto, and radiation treatment will be done here, my mom has offered both her care and house to her best friends recovery. My mother's strength amazes me.

The doctors believe that the estrogen therapy Doreen went through during her menopause maybe the cause of her disease. Medication causes more illness and destruction. I can personally testify to that statement. I see the fear in my mom's eyes. She wants to be strong but she's scared. My mom's whole life is devoted to taking care of all of us. She needs to take care of herself.

My mother, grandfather, grandmother have all had their battles with cancer. I hate to know that another person I love will have to make this fight. I had another hard day with my own personal disease today. To put things into perspective, my own fight could be a lot harder.

Without a second thought I'd do whatever it would take to take care of the people I love. I don't want to see another person suffer from an illness none of us can control.

After a wonderful weekend, its heartbreaking to end it on this painful note.

Date:	2004-03-31 02:05
Subject:	Blurred
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	silence

The lines between reality and fiction become blurred. It is hard to differentiate between the two. We struggle to see what is hiding behind the foggy surface. Curious of what lies beneath the murky depths. Be careful not to get sucked in.

My life runs it course like a play. Characters that act their part. Fit within a framework, we act out the scenes, rehearse the lines, dress up in the costumes. We fit the role and sacrifice our own true identities. What’s the real identity though? I’m in a role I can’t get out of.

The tempest of the mind rages in my chest. Internal turmoil results in madness. All emotions that I've been fighting the battle against for quite the while now are starting to win their fight. I’ve lost my will to conquer. I hold up my white flag to your mercy. Grant me your compassion with just a little bit of peaceful rest.

Games of crazy eight, but I’m living the game. Count downs, winning, losing, strategy. Draw the wrong hand, and games over. It’s all a scene out of the mousetrap. Caught to die.

Date:	2004-03-30 21:10
Subject:	Celebration
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

I've survived and (most likely) passed all my credits for my third year of university. After I hand in the website, that Darlene has so graciously assisted on, I will also be completely finished at Centennial and completed my first year of the CC program.

It feels like I can almost breathe again. School resumes in one months time so I have to appreciate every free moment. Call me for a play date.

In the meantime, who's in for weekend celebrations??

I've already made myself the promise that I'll fight this thing. Waking up drenched in sweat. I peeled away the layers of clothing on the way to the washroom. Standing under flowing cold water, the tears began to pool in my eyes. The fear was paralyzing. I considered a trip to the hospital My body needed a fix. One injection and it would all be ended. Torodoyl. Steriod. It would end it all. One needle and all would be cured.

The detox is becoming more difficult with every passing day. My body hits spots of desperation and it takes my breath away. I've been trying to fight it over the last two weeks. I've barely made any complaints, all for the sake of denial on my part that this is happenening. I want to convince you, as well as myself, that everything is ok. For the most part I'm doing a wonderful job.

Every night I cry myself to sleep. I fear the mornings. My life is filled with anxiety. The pain is a consumption of everything that feels happy or real in my life.

Numb. Punch me and I wouldn't even feel it. I'd do anything to stop this fight. It's been one to many hits; I'm not winning anymore.

Down on the ground. Take the opportunity to kick me while I'm here...seems like everyone else has started the trend

Date:	2004-03-23 19:55
Subject:	Visa-less
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry

I'm too fucking mad to even begin to write out a journal post but here is the highlights:

- wake up to swollen hands the size of balloons, my knees buckle out when I stand up and I can't get my arms to extend over my head so I can do my hair
- get to work. Almost quit after my jackass boss starts a fight with me. He's lucky I don't sue his rich ass for being such a dick. If I didn't work with other rational people I would have walked right out of there, but first spit in this face just to prove my point.
- wait around school for 2 hours to go to tutorial, thinking i'm going to get an exam review, and i get no such thing! Not even our essays handed back
- four of my visa cards get stolen out of my wallet today at york while I was at the front of the classroom. Not only that, but then a couple hours later they put a charge of $196.00 on my mastercard! Now I have to file a report with police and worse off, i have to go 7 working days before I get a new card! NO VISA OR MASTERCARD FOR 7 DAYS! Now that's a way to save money people

So now here I am. I went to get my hair dyed tonight out of sheer frustration of having purple dye run down my body everytime I showered. This new, somewhat natural, haircolour will allow me to save a large amount of money, considering I used to blow about 150.00 every month to get it cut and dyed. Desposible income is never good. I'm starting to become responsible and save everything now.

Make this week over. Please.

Date:	2004-03-20 20:22
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

Opening my eyes brings about an excessive amount of pain that resounds throughout my body into every ounce of my being. I insist on believing that my stubbornness may be bad for me physically, but is good therapy for my soul. I've already decided that I’m going to win this fight. (Honestly, all I need is a small fix to get me going for a couple of weeks).

Talks of potential freedom and independence have become increasingly more serious, and after a confirmation tonight from my mother its a definite go. The enthusiasm to start a chapter of my life excites me beyond all boundaries. Despite factors that could hold me down, I refuse to have my life restricted to safety. I could only do this with my two favourite people by my side. Its a comfort knowing that by being with them I'm not really leaving family.

Tonight is a quiet night at home. Yesterday’s ambitious effort of myself and emiliano to pull our own version of "while you were out" on my mom's room has completely washed me out. I'm grateful for staying home tonight...I get to catch the episode of Trading Spaces Home Free that I missed last week. Damn you TLC!

Days spent at home sick don’t usually consist of doing anything productive. My afternoons are generally wasted away hour after hour watching “good” quality soap operas.

The dramatic wailing, cycles of deceit and lies. How is it possible to wake up from a night of passionate love making to have your hair in a perfect updo and your makeup ready to hit the run way?

There is a hierarchical structure to soap operas. Low end: Passions-little men, devils, witches running around and casting spells and potions on each other. Middle ground: Days of Our Lives-elements of the low end soap in combination with the attempt for some high end aspects. Plot still lacks, but you have to give credit that it tries to be something. Top of the Line: Young and the Restless. The soap opera passed on through the generations from mother to daughter. We all secretly wish to live a day of the dramatic lives of these rich and successful soap opera characters.

The Salem Stalker is still on the prowl since early October. It’s so frustrating as an audience to watch the dramatic irony unfold before your eyes. With every scene my voice rises a notch as I scream at the characters to only turn around!

I’m wasting my time going to college and university. It’s very apparent that I can develop a very prosperous life for myself by entering into an avenue of the soap opera world. Nothing needs talent: writers, video producers, editors, actors…I have just as much experience as they do, which is equal to none.

So back to reality. Let’s drown away our evening with a jig and a pint of green beer. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

We’re currently entering into the 6th hour of not having electricity. The immense silence is enough to drive a person insane. There is very little to distract my attention other then slipping in and out of sleep and alternating chapters of reading from Shakespeare’s The Tempest, and John Steinbecks East of Eden. My laptop is currently running on a reserve of 66% battery and my cellphone is on its last battery bar. The sun is very quickly starting to settle, and hours without heating are starting to become a concern for me.

I never realize the amount of dependence I have on electricity until its gone for a couple of hours. It brings me back to last summer’s blackout, when for the first time neighbours came out of their home hidings and we gathered on my porch with mountains of quickly defrosting pints of icecream and popsicles to consume. Other then that night, I can never remember seeing so many stars in the city. As a society we spend all our time filling in our lives with constant distractions, be it by watching television, surfing the net, playing hours of video games. Even now as I sit here in the mist of nonexistence of electricity I am relent on my laptop to write rather then pulling out the traditional pen and paper. I honestly barely remember what my writing looks like anymore.

5:47pm... We got power! And I was just going to go eat all the turtles icecream with the excuse of it melting