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[16 Feb 2003|08:16pm] HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEN!! much love and all that birthday jazz. *cheers to my partner in alcoholic crime!* mwah! post comment

cupid's review. [15 Feb 2003|11:22am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | christina aguilera: im okay ] spent valentines day in yesterday. it was our 'anti-valentines' day...so instead of tellilng each other how much we love one another (like we do/should every other day of the year), we got into physical fights, told each other our pet peeves about the other person, called each other silly names and went into biting frenzies. yeah. it was quite nice inspite of what it may sound like! my love was very sick so we opted to spend the nite in. ordered in, watched a movie, lay around and all that fun stuff ;) i had a grand ol time. in other news, i watched this christina aguilera thing on 20/20 last nite, and i have a lotta respect for that girl...even if she wants to run around dressed like that..hey, it takes confidence to do that and when it comes down to it...shes a great singer..so what else matters?! i also saw the michael jackson documentary for the 4th time or so...i still think it was a horribly made piece. post comment

[13 Feb 2003|04:37pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | asian dub foundation: tu meri ] sometimes i like to pretend that im cool. 10 comments|post comment

please move me [12 Feb 2003|10:11pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | j-walk: soul vibration ] the constant flows in and out like a window left open in the midst of a breezy night. my dreams fly in and out of the window. sometimes i forget how to feel. overwhelmed by the unexplainable extremes, i am simply left in a state of aggravation, perhaps this state of numbness. feels like somebody pumped my veins full of tension and im about to burst out of my skin. wrapped up in concern and havoc, i hurridly browse through music and the ideas and words of others to stir some sort of emotion inside of me. it doesnt spark anything, really. my constant is this spontaneous shift in sense and emotion. i feel as if im burying it deeper and deeper, to the point that you'll never know it was there and we'll go on living or lives like nothing has changed, when in fact, everything has. for the better or for the worse, we'll never know - because we'll never talk about it. that is the insipid apathy i feel towards this. all i know is how to love. i feel so much despondency towards so many people and subjects, yet i will not verify its presence in my heart. i am a rock like that sometimes. any negative emotion that wants to spill out is intercepted by clenched teeth and fingers; a frozen mind and tears made of ice. call it optimism, call it indifference, call it whatever you'd like. i tell myself that i wont let it get to me, not today. and all i really know, is how to love. everything else fades with time and as she says, "isnt there enough war going on around us?". id rather just recline and ignore the fact of the matter. i wish right now i felt that i could make a difference; i wish i knew the way out; i wish i had the motivation to question the unanswerable. not today, though. just not today.... 2 comments|post comment

birthday gal. [11 Feb 2003|07:53pm] my birthday ended up being a great one. i got a ring-a-ding-ding from my love at percisely 7:01 (the time i was born), to wish me a happy birthday. from then on, the day rolled on to happy birthday merriment. yayness. sweet wishes from random people (thanks to all of you who posted on LJ!)....just enough to warm my heart, y'know what i mean? =) i had spectacular company all day with visits and chillinz with the likes of kris, chris, justin, april, jess, len and lee. woot woot. i got nice gifts as well! thee coolest thing i must've got: the one hour relaxation massage (!!!) at a spa that i received from my lovely. i cant wait to go. ahhhh *drools* post comment

[10 Feb 2003|02:38am] [ mood | blah ] its officially my birthday, yet i want to roll up into a ball and cry. i hope when i wake up in the morning, everything will be better and my day will be filled with birthday funness. 7 comments|post comment

[09 Feb 2003|10:07pm] [ mood | procrastinating ] blondcripple's view on school; how it sucks and how she needs a career instead. breakallthegirls: i know..ill be a famous pet rock collecter that children look up to and admire, and then say to their parents, 'folks, i too want to be a brilliant pet rock collecter like that jessicka fellow'...and then there parents will send them to an institution or bording school of the sort and ill laugh allll the way to the bank. or pond. ill probably be living around a pond. with frogs. not just ANY frogs. but jessicka frogs. and me the rocks the frogs and darlene will live happily ever after. until of course she leaves me for a richer druken foe and i am left alone to wallow with my rocks and i end up going crazy by breaking my vegetarianism to eat those fucking frogs because my rock business will go under and then ill be left with nothing. not even the evil happiness of those stupid kids in the institutions because they wont look up to me anymore. i hate school. look what they are going to do to me. 2 comments|post comment

[09 Feb 2003|02:27am] i really wouldnt mind if you decide to love me that way. we stood amongst the crowd flushing through traffic yesterday; and suddenly the world stopped i got tunnel vision focused on you. seduced by your smile; that look in your eyes and the heat of your breath against my skin. untouched and unspoken i really wouldnt mind if we would've stood there all day. 1 comment|post comment

[08 Feb 2003|03:53pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | martina sorbara: this ship ] had a lovely night out with my closest friends and my love. it was a grand evening. we went for dinner and a show at 'hugh's room'. dinner was good, and the show rocked. martina sorbara played. she was amazing. simply magnificent. i was quite moved by her music. i had only heard about her from emiliano about a month ago when i decided to download a few of her tracks. but as i always say, theres nothing quite like seeing a person play live. i was, once again, inspired. ive had a few days of solitude the past week, so last nite was just in order. good laughs as the seven of us jumped the subways and braved the cold. "....and suddenly the world stops" ive been feeling so much lately, but really cant find it in me to write about it. bleep. post comment

yet my hands are shakey... [04 Feb 2003|12:58am] [ mood | calm ] [ music | air: playground love ] i feel a substsantial change occurring and whether it will be evident in any physical, obvious form or not, i know i will be able to definately feel it because i can feel it now (the change, that is). i sat outside while it serenely rained in front of me. the little droplets of water glazed over the already-formed ice and just added to it, freezing in a matter of seconds. the air tonight was reminiscent of something of the past, but im not sure what...whether it is the far past or recent past. my body is going through some transitional detox that is sending my psyche into hyper-extended lapses of psychosis. it's uncontrollable really and i go into these fits of rage and tantrums where everything inside me tenses up and i clench my fists and teeth in order to contain everything. it's a horrible time really. im starting to over-think again, and as i always said, over-thinking will be the end of me. i snap in and out of it though. i guess theres just so much going on and so much to handle, yet it feels like theres too little time. its overwhelming and quite frankly, hard to handle. contrary to what this post suggests though, im feeling quite alright. quite alright! above all else, ive got this incredible motivation (even though that has its ins and outs as well) and i have these realizations. above all else, i am in love "i realize the capabilities, the potential, the opportunity for new beginnings and future endeavors. i realize it. and thats what i want you to realize. you've helped me come to this point in my life where i wanna stop running towards the unknown, but instead, approach and handle my own destiny." my head has been playing games with me for a few weeks. for the time being, i feel that im way ahead of the game. goodnite. post comment

[01 Feb 2003|12:31am] [ music | thievery corporation ] happy chinese (lunar) new years! marco's 20th bday. he's a big boy now. im a little of this and a little of that so dont mind my rambles. saw a lotta people i havent seen for awhile which was much fun in itself. went without intentions of drinking b/c i told len (the dd) that i wouldnt with her, but she insisted. sambuca shots w/ the bday boy and beers w/ paul. weepteewoop. uhms. yeah. some girl asked me to model for her portfolio "hey hvae you ever thouhgt of modlling?" "uh, not really, n i dont think i have the face for it either!" convo progressed. she took my number. weee. im home early cuz its the lunar new year, and well, yuh, family stuffs. its a big deal n all that jazz, so respect. big convos w/ my luv today. good intentions thru it all...thats all that matters in the end rite? so it worked out and will be further worked out. yip yip. <3 <3 <3 rambles stop here. mwah. 2 comments|post comment

trippin' around downtown. [29 Jan 2003|07:32pm] [ mood | predominantly happy ] [ music | k-os: fantastique ] i had an excellent day. woke up early, hopped in the shower and instantly felt revitalized. i was tossing and turning all night so i didnt really get a sound sleep...but my day started off fine inspite of that. i treked it over to luvly kristina's house. go figure, i had been up and about and whatnot, and by the time i got to her house around 10:30, she was still sleeping! oh well, its our day off, shes allowed to sleep in. we lounged around for awhile; falling in and out of laspses of sleep. we finally dragged our asses outta bed and i made us some breakfast. after breakfast, and the whole cleaning up/doing dishes deal, we lounged for just a bit more. i powernapped while she got dressed and ready. we then headed downtown for our day out. we stopped off in chinatown to "immerse ourselves in some of Damara's culture". i had been teaching her little tidbits of vietnamese all day, and certain things about our culture and whatnot. i think its cool to share such a thing. anyways...since we were there, we walked through kensington and took a look around. our feet subsequently lead us towards queen and we just strolled along. kris suggested that we go shopping and whatnot..so i could point out stuff i want for my birthday, but i really didnt want to, cuz shopping when you're jobless is depressing, and plus i really dont want anything for my birthday (well i dont want my friends to get me anything, especially clothes, because i have expensive taste in some things). i was getting hungry by then... so we started our ritual of "international dining" and went for some japanese/korean food. (next on the list is indian food i think?!). it was yums stuff. more walking lead us to nathan phillips square where we just watched people skating by and by. i wish we had our skates, although its been years since ive skated! frost bite had gotten the best of us, so we headed to timothy's next for a latte and hot chocolate. just chilled there (moreso, WARMED up)...and it was nice! when we left timothys, we bumped into giannina (lilmissg) and snarf. i caused a huge ruckus on the corner of queen and dundas. hahahha i miss going to school w/ these girls! anyhow, the day was getting colder and colder so we decided to head home. good eats, laughs, conversations, retardations, bonding! it was a fantastic day! sadly however, upon returning home, my sister told me that she got pick pocketed and our cell phone is gone =\ holy fuck shit! that thing is like a life-line for me. i hope it turns up or SOMETHING. i doubt it though! grrrr. im not mad at her though....cuz it coulda happened to anyone. and even if she forgot it on the subway, that coulda happened to anyone as well. but i doubt that was the case, cuz darlene is very careful with things. i guess theres nothing we can really do about it though...except wait it out for a day or two...and if it doesnt show up, i guess we'll just buy a new one. =\ bleep. i had so many numbers programmed into there! (ugh muthafuck!) i just wish darlene would stop looking like she's gonna throw up. poor girl feels so violated. its okay darlene! dont worry...its not ur fault!! i choose not to think about that though. it wont drag down my good day. oh! bonus! darlene purchased me the portishead cd (portishead) and jessicka got us k-os (exit) and tegan and sarah (if it was you). i already have a bunch of these songs, some of which are burned onto cd's..but its just nice to have the actual cd i guess. Hm. i guess thats it. who actually read this far? you get a prize if you did. back to school tomorrow. new semester (it's the home stretch kids!). i'm turning over a brand NEW leaf. wish me luck. (and the best of luck to the rest of all you who go to school with me as well!) out! [dee] 7 comments|post comment

bisexualism. [28 Jan 2003|01:15pm] [ mood | inquisitive ] [ music | de la soul: my writes ] i had this really opinionated conversation with one of my ex-boyfriends. he had his own viewpoint, and i respect that... but it made me question some things...about what people think and whatnot. i was wondering, what is your view on bisexualism? do you think that there is no such thing and that you're either straight or gay? he told me that he didnt understand my viewpoint because i dated him for so long, so either me liking girls disregards our relationship, or me dating him, disregards any relationship i may have with a girl [?!]. basically it's either/or. he cant grasp the fact that i'd be attracted to a girl...or more so, even given that, he doesnt understand how i could love a girl. (i really dont understand that? if you agree with him, please...enlighten me). nevertheless, the way i see it remains like this: when im attracted to someone, i do not see them for their sex. if i were to love a boy, id love the person that he is. in the same sense, if i love a girl, i dont love her because she's a girl, but because of the person that she is. obviously it's an issue, but when being with a girl, i would not think constantly "ohmigod, im dating a girl"...just like i wouldnt be thinking "ohmigod, im dating a guy". some people like to think of it as a matter of sex... and even though that is a matter of relationships, thats not the deal. he doesnt understand, and he admitted that. he said that he may not understand because he doesnt have any personal experience. i was quite hurt, and close to tears because i realized that people dont understand because they dont want to understand. whatever really. i respect that. (i really do) but what do YOU think? 24 comments|post comment

charlies angels 2 [26 Jan 2003|10:59pm] [ music | tiesto: tranceport ] drew. cameron d. lucy lui. ohhhh yeah baby! 3 comments|post comment

cheese and hearts [26 Jan 2003|02:03pm] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | zero 7: red dust ] my mom just brightened up my moods. she came home and bought me a lot of cheese (i love cheese)...a whole variety! yipee. (cuz hey, when you've got cheese...you've got choice ;) oh, plus she got me valentine cinnamon hearts. yeah, if valentines day is about anything, its about the cinnamon hearts. 1 comment|post comment

[26 Jan 2003|01:57pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | dashboard confessional: this bitter pill ] "i understand, but you dont have any tact" "i dont need tact! somebody needs to kick some sense into you..." when is a person finally going to be accounted for something they can do, rather than what they can't do? when will i ever amount to anything that way? every morning on my days off, i go into my backyard and have my cigarette. i watch the smoke freeze into the air for a few seconds, i breathe out some of my own breath. for a moment in time, theres hardly a difference between the two...except one is filled with toxics and the other may be life giving. the theme of my life...the indecipherability of the two..of everything. the misunderstanding of me that most cant see. we're identical... but it has been pushed so far into my brain that im sure im the intoxicated one, she's the one who has a life. i like my backyard cigarette. it's my time away from everyone else, if even for 10 minutes. i cant be attacked there. -you're a liar-you're self centered- i know ive done wrong, but i wanna hear more than that..speak to someone who wont tear down my securities. -you have no decency- ["you dont even know it, but im like a little puppy following you around. and all you do is kick me in my teeth with your words... no, not even, (because i know the good intentions behind it) but your tone.] i dont wanna hear it. if just for one day, i dont wanna hear it. 6 comments|post comment

[25 Jan 2003|02:51pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | missy elliot ft. ludacris: gossip folks ] we went to the annex last nite to look for something to do. ended up going to insomnia for some drinks. although it was packed and we had to wait for awhile, it was a lovely time. i love the vibe of that place. it was a good cap to the exam week. (one more exam to go!) before goin' out, i had been talking to kristina and listening to her talk about her bad day. poor girl. so obviously i had this natural urge to go and try to cheer her up. im glad it did. wOot woot! i dig surprising people. she was actually in the shower when i got to her house...so i was basically sitting on her bed for 10 minutes thinking "where the hell is she?" hm. i thought this post was gonna be way more thought-provoking, but im so exhausted from cleaning my room (it looked like a tornado had hit it) that i cant seem to formulate anything decent. i want to go out, perhaps downtown later or something. beep.beep.boop. 1 comment|post comment

my plea. [24 Jan 2003|02:19am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | the buzzing inside my head ] maybe if i didnt talk, they'd listen. 2 comments|post comment

babble.babble.babble. [24 Jan 2003|12:56am] [ mood | awake ] [ music | portishead: only you ] simplicity at its best. its the small things. drowning in a whirlpool of pink glared bubbles. you can feel the warmth crawling down your spine. and that crave wave stirring in the pit of your stomach. high tides, high times. post comment

if you say run, i'll run with you. [23 Jan 2003|08:14pm] [ mood | delerious ] [ music | david bowie: lets dance ] so, i reckon i have a chance at being canada's next musical idol. HAhahaHahahhaHahahha. 'canadian idol', here i come. move over kelly clarkson. it's time for canadians to take over again. shania and celine rep-ruh-zent! [this ridiculous joke of an interlude from studying has been brought to you by damara huynh, canada's upcoming starving singing sensation. show the support mofos!] 2 comments|post comment

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