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Moontigress' Journal
Well, it turns out that it weren't my allergies that were immobilizing me yesterday. I left work early because I really didn't feel good. I had been sneezing like crazy all day (I guess that should have been my first clue that it couldn't have been the allergies since I work in a climate controlled office), and I had a really bad headache. In the course of the evening, my cough worsened, and my muscles began to ache. This morning, I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I called in sick. I already had a doctor's appointment for this afternoon, so I just went in with this cold instead of the supposed allergies. The doctor is really fun. She is an old woman (mid-70s, I think) that my boss recommended to me last year. She is a no-bullsh*t, get to the point kind of homeopathic doctor, and she gave me some medicine and wrote me a sick note. It is nice to just be home, lay in bed and relax. I should be better tomorrow. If I can, I'll leave early for my parents' house to fix that tire. It's K*'s birthday on Saturday, and I should be fine by Sunday, when she invited us all over for brunch.
Time to go back to bed.
Current mood:
sick.
Well, Spring Equinox is here and so are my allergies. Since yesterday afternoon, I feel like I am in a complete haze, am sneezing and caughing constantly, and my ears itch.
Current mood:
disappointed.
I have known about the upcoming Cella trance intensive that is organized by
dragonfly and another woman from my Cella group for a while (Dragonfly told me about it), but today, the actual dates and more specifics were announced in the congregational list. It is on trance poses and based on the work of Felicitas Goodman. I LOVE her work, and I find these ancient poses extremely powerful. One of the things I decided to do was to use some of them as meditations for this cycle's "goddesses" requirement. I have only done one pose so far in this context, and I loved it. The contact to the goddess was really strong. I hope I can go to the intensive!!! The women at the mother house are still deciding what the requirements for international students are, and of course, there may be hinderances in my personal life, but it sounds great!!!On another note, there was an announcement on the list that new non-American members have joined the congregation. I am thinking about contacting the mother house and offer them to function as a European contact person for those women who might be interested in Cella. Maybe I'll call them tonight...
Current mood:
excited.
I am back in the "yes, but..." mood again. So yes, I know that I will come to the crossroad shortly (well, at the end of the year) and that trying that other trail, the one that is hard to see for all of the scrub and brush that is taking it over because of a lack of use is the one that will eventually take me to my destination, but here where I am, on that nice wide road that I can walk on so comfortably, there is so much security and peace... So why should I care that I walk in circles? The more I think about myself, the more I believe that I am just about the laziest person I know. What does it take for me to finally get my ass up and go? I don't really know how to break out of my patterns. I came back here because of all the security that I wouldn't be able to find in the U.S. Good health insurance, unemployment and retirement benefits. Great. I know that these things are important, but I feel like the frog who thinks his well is the entire world and who doesn't dare to leave it for fear that what is out there might hurt him. Not just that, he also doesn't know where to go. What is there to get to know? What is there to do? Last weekend, the teacher said that we should check out those things that are our deepest desires. If I need to be somewhere, I should check it out. I'll surely bee needed there. There'll be something to do. It is time.
The sun is shining, it is nice and warm out, and it smells like growth and life everywhere. The plants are budding, slowly but steadily, and in the mornings, the cheerful twittering of birds wakes me. It is beautiful. I don't usually like spring too much, but around this time, before the allergies begin, it is wonderful. I feel that I am part of the circle of life, coming back again with everything that surrounds me. I stretch my limbs and my yawns bring the fresh air, filled with whispers of renewal, into my lungs and to every cell of my body. I am alive.
The Tarot class on Saturday and Sunday was wonderful. We thoroughly studied each card of the major Arkana before we began doing our own readings (only with those cards). What came up for me was very interesting . At the very beginning of the course, each of us pulled a card for the weekend that also represented the general state we are in. I pulled Temperance, which I thought was very appropriate. I am in a waiting phase, where I don't know where I am going, but I am beginning to get tense. Change is everywhere around me. I am being mixed up inside. But nothing will happen for a while. I know that. I am merely being prepared for a new phase in my life.
In February, I turned 28, which, according to numerology, is the beginning of a new 7-year phase in my life. Last time I entered a new phase (when I was 21), I moved to the States. Although I had already left my parents' house and moved to France 1 1/2 years earlier, that move was the first real break and, along the course, a complete change of consciousness. While living in France, I still went home every month to visit my friends and family. In my heart, I was always in Germany, never there. When I moved to D.C., that changed. I loved it from the beginning. Now, I wonder where I'll go from here. Will I finally make a stable home, a nest from which to act in the outside world? Will I have children? Will I fulfill my dream of moving to the country? I asked the cards about something that is very important to me and learned that what I have so longed for is surely my calling. I pulled The World as the situation, which in this case is also the goal/result. My conscious mind has been holding me back, but my subconscious is aching for me to break free. It won't be an easy road. If I decide to walk it, I'll face my fears and experience loss. But in the end, there'll be rebirth. I hope I'll have the courage to take the first step and the strength to stick with it when things get rough. I am still at the top of the slide. Will I trust and let go of the handles that keep me up there nice and safe?
The stable had grown about to about 4 times its original size. Most horses had to be kept in stalls outdoors because there wasn't enough indoor space. The fields around both official riding areas were covered with metal stalls full with horses. I was back there after a long absence (true, I haven't been there since the end of 1999) to ride with my usual group. There was complete chaos. I couldn't find the list to see which horse I was supposed to ride, and when I asked, I was told that I could just pick any. I was confused but started looking for my favorite horse whose name I couldn't remember. All I knew was that it started with an R and that it looked like Tuxedo, my favorite horse way back when. I checked everywhere but got lost between all these horses and stalls. Meanwhile, the others were already 15 minutes into the lesson. I saw the manager, Tammy, and called her name. She said, "I am so happy to see you. How have you been?" etc. We exchanged the common greetings and I asked her where I could find Babe, the white pony/horse I used to ride. She told me where, and when I got there, Babe was really happy that someone was taking her/him (I really don't know what it was, but I have always thought of it as male) out to ride. When I got to the ring, I wondered if I wasn't too heavy for poor old Babe. Our riding instructor (the blond, her name slipped my mind) told me that it was fine, so I got on and immediately started cantering. No warm-up or nothing, but it didn't seem to be a problem for Babe. My mind was still on the other horse, the one that apparently used to be my favorite. I described him to the instructor and asked the instructor if she could remember his name. She said, "sure, you mean Rex. He is still here." The name immediately made sense to me, and I think I got off Babe to find Rex. REX??? That sounds a lot more like a German sheppard than a horse to me. Anyway, I woke up not knowing where I was. It is odd how in the spring and summer, I begin having dreams about the U.S. It was like that last year, too, only that back then, I kept dreaming of old friends whom I have lost contact with in our everyday reality. In my dreams, I met them somewhere on the street, but they didn't want anything to do with me, even though I tried really hard to bring them back into my life. Those dreams were so vivid (I don't usually remember many dreams) that one time, after I had dreamed of a person twice, I really got up and called her. I think they meant that it was time for a new phase in my life and that on some level, I was still clinging to my past, to the U.S. It was time to let it go. This year, I feel a lot better adjusted here (it took a little over a year for me to really arrive here) and I don't have a clue why I am dreaming of WHC. I haven't thought about the horses and people there in a long time.
The cat-sitter came by tonight and introduced herself. She is a very polite and nice 21 year-old student who made a very responsible impression on me. I think she'll work out really well. She asked for €50 for the two weeks, which I thought was completely unreasonable. The job will take about 1/2 hour daily, including getting here and going home, but it includes cleaning the cat litter, which I don't think is very much fun. I told her that I'd thought about €100, and B* thinks we should give her €150. I think that is too much, and the sitter was content with €100, so we'll leave it at that for now. We can decide afterward if we should give her more.
I get pretty upset when I think people are selling themselves cheap. That is probably because I used to do it all the time. Why is it that many people just don't put a proper price on things? Is it just a lack of self-confidence? That sounds too simplistic for me. Is it false modesty? Do I feel like the good Samaritan when I offer goods/services for close to nothing? I don't know, but I do know that B* never seems to have that problem. She knows what she is worth, and she has no problem telling her supervisors that they don't pay her properly for the work she does. If things get really disproportionate and out of hand, she comes home early. She says, "if they want me to do the work of 2 people, they should pay me for 2 people." She's right.
Current mood:
happy.
The weekend is almost here! I'll be in a meeting all morning and will probably leave early to get some stuff done at the house. I found a pet sitter yesterday after I realized that most of the pet hotels merely offer small cages and I didn't want to subject the cats to that. The pet sitter is a 21 year-old student who will come to the house to introduce herself and meet the cats on Sunday. She seemed really nice on the phone. I am relieved. I have to get my books out of the way before she comes, and I won't have much time to do it tomorrow. I signed up for an all day tarot class on Saturday (I am still amazed at all of the stuff the city offers...) and on Sunday, I can't run the vacuum (German rules of quiet hours/days must especially be adhered to in an old house like the one I live in, where I hear everything that goes on in the apartments above and below me). That means lots of cleaning for me today...
Yesterday, I found a flyer for a trance/dance workshop that's taking place on Friday the 22. and just signed up. I am really excited that there were still spaces!
Unfortunately, I can't participate in the womens' forest walk on the 23 :-(((. My Dad's friend ordered the tire, so I have to go home that weekend. I am glad that I don't have to pay for the d*mn thing, but I am also nervous about driving it that far. New cars are so weird. This one periodically tries to readjust itself because of the different size tire, and when it does, I can't speed up anymore. It is kind of dangerous. Yesterday, I was driving up a small incline when it happened. As I slowed down, the people in the cars behind me became a little irritated. I don't like being a road hazard...
Okay, I'm not really in the mood to work today. I'll leave early to fix the tire on the car and to go to WalMart for some cat litter. I don't yet know what to do with the two little brats for the two weeks we'll be gone. I would like to have a pet sitter come to the house and feed and pet them 2ce daily, but I am nervous about having strangers in the house when we are not there.
I guess I'll check with the local vets to see if there are some nice pet hotels around. My Dad thinks they are not going to remember us when we come back. He said, "they are cats, not dogs. I don't think they'll know who you are when you come home." I don't think that that is true, though I must say that K* and M* (now I* and O*) didn't seem to know me when I saw them again after they had been at S*'s for three months. Gee, when I think about them, I still (after 2 years), feel really guilty and have a knot in my stomach. I am so grateful that S* took them. She is giving them a wonderful home. What a miserable time in my life that was...