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Bored... stole survey... thankyou popsickle [17 Jul 2002|02:05pm] My name is: Jaymee :P Nicknames: JJ Birthday: April 03 1984 I may seem: Distant/Depressed? But I'm really: Contemplating the meaning of Life. People who really know me well think I'm: a friend ;) well... durrr Sometimes I feel: Lost My days are pretty: Boring In the morning I: Wake-up and think about the probable kick-ass dream I've just had. If I could be anywhere right now I would be: In my dreams forever more Money is: the circulating blood of a doped society One thing I wish I could have is: A soul-mate or maybe just a lemon sorbet. One thing I have that I wish I didn't do is: A conflict of conscience All I need is: the truth If I had one wish it would be: I wish nothing in the Universe was ever greedy, ever again. Love is: difficult to find, and too often confused with Lust Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: In my dreams... :P If I could see one person right now it would be: The Creator... failing that, I'd settle for... myself. I live for: life I am afraid of: nothing, that I'm aware of It makes me angry when: I'm conscious to the world around me, it's sick and wrong I dream about: saving the world, or more recently, socialising. I'm also happy to report that I haven't tried to take advantage of any girls anymore. Buffy was in my dream last night... along with a load of other... amazingly attractive girls who I know in real life... and I just didn't change the dream or their actions, and I acted like a proper gentleman. Go me. Dreams are a place to train your mind. I'm training my morals and my confidence it seems. I daydream about: My dreams, hopes, and stuff I would do instead of daydreaming, but a daydream is more likely to happen. Number of girls I have kissed in my life: In what way? ;) Number of boys I have kissed: When I was a kid, my dad... but only cause I had to before I went to bed, not cause I loved him. Number of drugs taken illegally: Three Number of people I could trust with my life: *shrug* Everyone who trusts themselves with my life. Number of CDs that I own: About 40'ish Number of piercings: None, but hope to get two in my eyebrow. Number of tattoos: None, but hope to get one on my back. Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: None I hope. Number of scars on my body: *groan* *counts* Over 30, plus my mental scars Number of things in my past that I regret: I would regret most of my life, but I don't, cause I can't change it, so what's the point? Last movie you saw: Battlefield Earth Last movie you saw on the big screen: Minority Report Last phone number you called: Spearpoint Computers :P I need a new power supply unit for my other computer! Dangit! Last show you watched on TV: Mercenaries Last song you heard: *shrug* Last thing you had to drink: Apple Juice Last thing you ate: Cinnamon Grahams Last time you showered: *shrug* Couple of days ago. I haven't gone out, so I can't be arsed. Last time you smiled: *shrug* Last time you laughed: *shrug* Last person you hugged: *shrug* Last person you kissed: *shrug* ...it's been a while... Last thing you said: "Shut the fuck up" to my dogs. Last person you talked to online: Chiz's cousin Last person you talked to on the phone: Spearpoint Guy Last thing you smelled: My last breath in... so, ummm... the air? conflict

Bored... test from popsickle [13 Jul 2002|10:04pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Static-X - Push it ] conflict

Opinions [25 Jun 2002|09:14pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Orgy - Re-Creation ] The one thing in life everyone is full of, but nobody pays close attention to. They throw their opinions around like they were fact. They care not who gets hurt by their opinions. Other peoples opinions should mean nothing to you. Yet, still have an affect on your life. Opinions suck. But we all have one. In my opinion... opinions suck... see? An opinion. So, we have to live with opinions I guess. But which opinions are more valid than others? If any? Why do we pay so much attention to other opinions? And none to our own? We always seem to follow the crowd, however small it may be. Try and have the same opinions as those around us. While ignoring the opinions, and ultimately, the person we are inside. We ignore ourselves, and destroy ourselves? And for what? For the very fact, that none of us, believe in ourselves. Everytime you Clap, you kill another person. "I believe in people, I believe in people, I believe in people" How about? "I believe in... my... self?" Do I? I don't know. I haven't for a long time. I still don't. Everytime you Boo, you kill another person. I've recently 're-created' my inner workings. I'm still in the process of it actually. Heh... tis turbulent... tis exciting in a way. But it is also dangerous. Full of potential. I'm making a new me. I'm going to be after first-hand experience primarily. Although, second hand experience will have to suffice until I get some. It will be taken into account anyways. I need to form my own opinions, and then use them wisely. Everytime you Hiss, you kill another person. Oh well... ...let's see how long this person lasts... ...until the next me. You'll have to make do with this one. Shame isn't it? I'm already beginning to detest it. Maybe I shouldn't let things get to me. I'm sure it wasn't me. It was just an opinion. The next time you express an opinion, you kill another person. 4 conflictions | conflict

Food for Thought [19 Jun 2002|12:00pm] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | Mushroomhead - Solitaire Unravelling ] Food digested. Food rejected. 6 conflictions | conflict

Got this from popsickle who got it from brightsoul boy who got it from... etc. [13 Jun 2002|01:27pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Metallica - Master of Puppets ] Life is a very complex thing to you. You don't understand why there's hate, when we should all love each other. Most things bring you pain, slow painful emotional pain. You know someday you'll unlock the secrets of the universe, but right now all you want to do is lay down and think for awhile. Try not to cry. I made mine smaller... HEHE! 6 conflictions | conflict

Dream Logged: 06/07 June 2002 [07 Jun 2002|01:26pm] [ mood | curious ] [ music | LifeHouse - Hanging by a Moment ] It starts in a school classroom. Usual lay out, with a ring of tables around the outside, and a two rows of tables in the middle. The difference here, is that the row around the outside, goes all the way around... purposely done this way by the bored pupils who occupy the room... we seem to be waiting for something... an exam maybe? I am very solemn... just sitting there, looking around the room and thinking to myself about various aspects of life... pondering the ins and outs of the universe... and mostly making sure I don't keep eye contact with anyone i don't like for too long. Back to the lay out of the room. There are two colours of chair. Two people can play the game at once. All chairs are pulled out from under the tables as if someone is about to sit on them... all chairs occupied are left alone. Each player has to put all of their colour chairs under the table and put one chair, specially designated, ontop of the table... then race to a ball of some kind, and place it ontop of the chair that is ontop of the table. The game get interesting as each player can pull the other players chairs out from under the tables... thus, chaos ensues. The game pursues with Tom Cosker and Robert Ash I think. I just watch them play, contemplating what I'd do in their positions. The match ends with a clear victory from Cosker. Someone must now volunteer to challenge the winner. There is a silence... no body wants to challenge him, and the game looks like it's going to end. For most of my life I've been looked down upon. I've been bullied, called names, excluded from activities, and generally not been accepted by the majority of people in my life. In a dream world however, I know it's a dream... so I know it's a test of some kind. This current event in the dream can be analysed as being the point in my life at which I decide to do something about my position, and my reputation in their eyes. I sit still... looking around the quiet room... catching the eye of Richard Matheson... who nods like he does, and looks down at his work as if to say 'I'm not palyin'. Looking around some more, I decide that there is a reason for these people inactivity... it is up to me to make a decision. I stand up, and everyones eyes focus on me... especially Tom, who lets out a small, short, snorting laugh. "Come on then, let him play..." states some pupil who I can't recall. "Do you know the rules Jamie?" asks another random pupil. They called me Jamie... I hadn't been called Jamie for ages... these people didn't know anything about me. "Yeah" I say, as a snappy response, "Let's get on with it" All the chairs had been pulled out from under the tables and moved around the class room, to give the game a different feel to last time. All of a sudden... we're off, running around the class room, pushing chairs under the tables, trying to decide quickly as we run, which chairs are ours and which are the opposing players. In my dreams you have to understand that I've had many years of bending the rules of reality that my conscience is used to. Much like the Matrix, but I've been doing it many years before the Matrix was released. I've learnt rudimentary flying skills, with the power of my mind as it were. I've learnt acrobatics, martial arts, learnt how to run faster, punch harder, push myself further than any human being could imagine in real life. Back to the game... I'm running around... faster than most people would expect someone to move in a confined place with turnings every 10 or so metres. I'm pushing the chairs under with my right hand in front of me and correcting their positions under the table with my left hand behind me. You may of guessed this means I'm running anti-clockwise... to which you are correct. Cutting to the chase... the game gets near the end, and me, the supposed non sporty person, is tying with Tom (not necessarily THE Tom, just a figure representing successful popular people). We both put our final designated chairs on top of the tables, and turn towards the ball... It is instantly obvious to me that he will be getting the ball first onto his chair... at this point the dream goes into slow motion... like life does when ones body is pumped full of adrenaline... I spin around, and kick one of his chairs out from under the table... then summersault over to the ball, which he is obliged to put down because he has to replace his chair. I pick it up, and turn to see that he has made it to his chair and placed it under... at this point I could just run to my chair and put the ball on it and win... but I don't. I put the ball down again... tempting him to get it and win, while also setting myself up to show off within this dream world. He runs over and sweeps up the ball in his right hand... swinging his body to the left and his right hand under him, he makes a full anti-clockwise circle and his right hand comes around over his left hand side... he spins... the ball starts coming down towards the chair... he thinks he's going to win. Little does he know that I've used those few seconds to systematically go around the whole classroom and remove every single one of his coloured chairs. He stands there speechless... his hand seems frozen in time, hovering above his single chair. Everyone stares at me then at him. I haven't even broken a sweat. I breathe in slowly... then breathe out just as slow. I grin out the corner of my mouth. Tom goes to his seat, and sits down... obviously in shock, and obviously knowing that he can't win. I get the ball and put it on my chair... thus, crowning myself champion... although, no one else considers it a win... they don't want to comprehend it... they ignore it, push it to the back of their minds... But I know I won... and that's all that matters to me. The dream skips forward an unknown amount of years. It isn't too many, and I am obviously still friends with Caz and Matt, as we are walking together down a highstreet similar in layout to Baldock highstreet... but quite different in content... more modern, with a large shopping mall across the road from the Mayflower... The high street itself takes four zebra crossings to get across. It's night time, and the ground glistens as you realise it's just recently rained. ( Read more here, gets better, promise :) ) 11 conflictions | conflict

Entry 22 [04 Jun 2002|01:20am] [ mood | content ] [ music | Gary Numan - R.I.P ] Hmmm, what have i been up to? Can't really remember, so here's what I've been up to... ...in no particular order. Films watched: Blow (Emotional look at a drug dealers life) Code Red (Thought provoking sci-fi action horror flick) Kiss of the Dragon, watched twice (Cool martial arts flick starring Jet Li) Music gotten: KoRn Album - Untouchables (mp3) Eminem Album - The Eminem Show (legitamate copy, got the receipt to proove it) No Doubt - Hella Good, Oi to the World, New, Detective, I'm just a girl, Hey Baby (mp3) Goo Goo Dolls - Sympathy, Here is Gone (mp3) Lifehouse - Six Cycle Carousel, Hanging by a Moment (mp3) Drowning Pool - Bodies, Tear Away (mp3) American Head Charge - Just so you know (mp3) Box Car Racer - I feel so (mp3) Everclear - Local God (mp3) Gary Numan - R.I.P (mp3) Smashing Pumpkins - Bodies (again) (mp3) Tenacious D - Tribute (hilarious) (mp3) I've been a busy beaver... got most of it across a network though :) The rest is a few weeks work... damn 56k :( Hmm... apart from boring lists... what have i done? LAN party, twas cool. There must be something I can write about. I'm not boring, I just forget stuff, and i read stuff you probably don't wanna read. How about, the Seed language? A language supposedly constructed thousands of years ago, by mimicking the light patterns formed in the brain. Well, ok, it wasn't constructed, it was found out... cause it's a language already there, in the brain. Sounds cool huh? I thought so. Hmmm, what else? Al-Qaeda have warned America to brace themselves for attacks. Can't wait :) Ummm... I had a thought about Viet Nam... and if you don't like conspiracies, ignore me. Basically... how can the VC afford to kill millions of American Soldiers? Hitler had problems killing millions of people too, and he was the leader of one of the most powerful nations at that time... his whole country made weapons and bullets... but Viet Nam had none of that... where did they get the bullets from? How did they afford the bullets? The Nazis shot Jews by putting one behind another and shooting one bullet through the two... cause killing people, is frankly, expensive. We're being made to believe that a country like Viet Nam had the ability to kill all of these Americans... it's moronic. We're morons... Lemmings... I bid you to stop marching on, and see the cliff in front of you. Stop following what everyone else believes, and start questioning things for YOURSELF! If your line of questioning brings you back to the marching, then so be it, be happy that you did what you could, and I bid you a good life! 5 conflictions | conflict

Alcohol [19 May 2002|09:10pm] [ mood | nauseated ] [ music | Sunna - I'm Not Trading ] Hmm, yeah. I was seriously thinkin earlier about going 'T-Total' or whatever it's called. But that would just be too greater step. I'm just gonna drink with moderation, like have 2 pints, or 2 archers, or whatever. Then I'll drink orange juice or whatever, throughout the night. Whatever '2' of something I have, will be two of the same thing... ...no more mixing drinks for me! Eventually I'll get to a T-Total stage Then I'll be happy that I'm not pumping poison into myself every weekend. That's about it for this post I guess, boring huh? 12 conflictions | conflict

So we sighed [09 May 2002|11:25pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Deftones - Be quiet and drive (far away) ] So, did we learn anything from my rant in the last post? I know I did! I still have my promise to keep, that's for sure! I also ask you now, to vow to yourselves and make that promise too! By realising the lessons set out before, it is only then one can realise they can do ANYTHING with their lives! I know it's easier said than done, but with practice, we will all prevail in our lives, and prevail in anything we decide to do with them. We have a blank slate upon which to write. Fresh Canvas, upon which to paint. Together, we will create the world. We all need each other. But inside we have ourselves. Together, we will create our world. We will never give up! I will never give up! Together, we will create our future. Someone once said to me... "Only you continue, everything else is pale by comparison" So, the meaning of life? I've said it before to a few of you, and no, i haven't forgotten, I just had to experience 'not knowing'. Everyone... The greatest things in life, are often the simplest... Life is for LIVING! Go do it! For yourselves, and for those that mean something to you! Let us all try and leave the world a better place! 5 conflictions | conflict

Suicide [09 May 2002|12:00am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | sound of the fan to drown out the silence ] I made a promise to myself to never commit suicide. Frankly, I don't see why i ever did. What's the damn point in it all? Why bother living? To 'hope' that it'll get better? To live for the good times? Surely that just ignores the bad stuff... ...a society of ignorance. I wanna write a suicide note, and post it to everyone I know, and then when i die, they can reveal it to the world in droves... contacting their local newspapers and stuff... that way, the police or whoever will have less of a chance of confiscating my note, and editing out the bits they don't want the world to see. Now all i need is a suicide plan, that has purpose, rather than being pointless. I once heard someone say they wanted to leave this world in a better state than they found it. I suggest I do everyone a favour, and blow up the world Elite, at next years Bilderberg Conference. Then you can all have new people take control of the world, and then take it from there. You can't hope it'll be better than before though... cause it might not be... so I will need a following of people willing to blow up the next lot of world Elite. ...and so on... ...and so on... ...ad infinitum. Pointless huh? After discussing the subject of suicide, and mulling it over in my head, I see that it's pointless... it's JUST as pointless as life is! It really is all ridiculous! Everything is infinite. There is no ULTIMATE goal. Thus, there is NO point! Sun rises, sun sets...ad infinitum Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter... ad infinitum Born, live, die... ad infinitum ...no, I'm not talking reincarnation... someone is born, they live, they die... something is born, it lives, it dies, anything is born, it lives, it dies... ad infinitum. Life goes around in circles... ...totally pointless. I kill myself... something is born... ...no purpose... ...no goal... ...no point. Infact... what's the point in this post? FUCK EVERYTHING! 9 conflictions | conflict

Stuff... [23 Apr 2002|11:49pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | NiN - Physical (You're So) ] ...happened. Like my birthday. Parties. Fun. Discovery. LIFE HAPPENED! i am resigning...myself...slowly...from your world. My world...is for me. I am far from insane. I have awakened. Opened my eyes. Taken my first breath. My first step. I am a Son of Light. A part of the One. The Creator. My goal...is to seek the truth...wherever it may lie. My obstacle...is to determine what is true to myself. Be True to One another, and yourselves! "Far out Roufus" The signs pervade my reality. They are ment for me. Some may see the same signs. But those are for them. We all share one common truth. We are alive. We all seek the Truth. "I can show you what you seek Neo" "It's the question that drives us all" "What is the Matrix?" You may think this is drivvle. It means something to me. I ask you to respect me, as a friend. I ask that in my time of need, you don't turn your backs on me. To hold prejudice against my beliefs, is to hold prejudice against my very humanity. Ascending the Universe, a thought at a time... to become 'a mortal no more, a deathless God divine' 3 conflictions | conflict

Number mine, 21, just in time, im gone, new height, days of my life. [05 Mar 2002|10:27pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Orgy - Re-creation ] non-sensical bull up there ^ So... it's been 21 days since my last update! I coulda updated earlier, but I wanted to wait for 21 days... just, 'cause! So, what has happened to me over these 3 fine weeks? Ummm... Slipknot concert! I nearly broke my foot/leg on the way there. Went in the Mosh pit for a large majority of my time there, with my sore limb. Jumped up and down, hopefully got on tv, and had a really good, sweaty, time! We (me,matt,caz) went shopping in London over half-term. This is all old news, but I'm reminiscing, so SHHH!!! We went in this funky Japanese store, that had some books on Tai Chi and Kung Fu that I will buy next time I am there! While in London, we were approached by a guy with a petition to end the trade emargo imposed on Cuba by America. My Archaeological sources also report US navel ships in and around that area of ocean. The ships claim to be on 'naval excercise', but their 'manouevres' seem to threaten any ship that is unwelcome. In the case of my sources, they were conducting underwater sonar sweeping, looking for the Lost city of Atlantis... Anyways, me and caz signed the petition, while matt asked the guy where Cuba was exactly. :P I bought a Revolutionary Communist Newspaper. I will join the 'Free Tibet' Campaign soon, which is against the occupation of Tibet by the Chinese! They will turn one of the last untainted holy lands, into a damn strip-mining coloney. Makes me mad! Last week I took to compulsively collecting newspapers, 15 in all, and systematically cutting them up and storing any interesting articles. Its amazing how long it takes! Recently I've developed an addiction to watching Fight Club. I try to watch it whenever it's on one of the movie channels, which enevitably leads me to staying up late. In saying that, I've been sleeping a lot less recently. I'm now down to 5 hrs a night! I think it may be my recent diet of non-fizzy drinks and drinking water at lunch, that may have attributed to this fact. I have also gained a sense of looking forward to the next day. A feeling a usually only get when I have girlfriend, because I look forward to seeing her. But now it seems I just have this feeling of looking forward to something. I want to know what it is thats givin me a new will in life! Shan't complain though! I will be trying to reduce those hours by a few more. To achieve this I will study how to meditate, and i will begin a routine of physical exercise. This will calm my mind (and soul), and strengthen my body. I'd say my research is going slow, but that is just me being impatient, and who knows what speed I am supposed to be given the information i am to recieve. All I know, is my steady research, and the odd chess game, will keep my mind trained. My delve into memory improving techniques too! Hmm, what else can I say? Blocked up nose nearly suffocated me in my sleep! I woke up, and couldn't breathe... and after a few seconds of trying to breathe, I realised my mouth existed, so I took a couple of breaths, looked at the time, and went back to sleep. Oh... the excitement! (sarcasm) What else? Blades and skin, make for a fun evening in. Blood! Pain! Intrigue has led me lately to cut my own skin. This may be as shortly lived as my bout of collecting newspapers! Don't worry chappies, i'm not suicidal, i'm experimental! Just want to see if I can do it, and what it feels like! On next weeks show, we'll see Jamie see what being shot feels like :P Hmmm, talking about being shot, I'm not going to join the army now. I'm still going to try out for the SAS, through one of their T.A units. They do the same selection and training course, but its for civilians! yipee! I won't waste 3 years of my life, risking it for the evil intentions of those above me in command, and those in charge of the army, politically. I will not be a tool of evil! I will strive to do what i believe is right. That's the most anyone can ask of me, surely? Ummm, to do with school...it sucks, but I'm getting along fine now. Again, I think its this new 'drive' I've found. Life tastes different! (thought of this while thinking of the 'getting a taste for life' quote) Exams are soon! I'll do my best, and I will revise, and I'll get whatever grade I get, and deal with it! None of this moaning and whining other people do. I'll deal with what I have, and move on! Another college me, thinks! Gonna do A-levels in Philosophy and Russian Language. Should be interesting :P Soooo... ...what else? My feelings, and my general mental well-being. I haven't discussed these! Well, I feel good! Without going back to the whole 'drive' issue again (oops), I guess I'm changing the way I think about life. I'm being surrounded by people with more positive mental energies. Depression is now lurking in the shadows, waiting to consume me. While Happiness runs free in the fields of hope. One thought that keeps occuring to me, is my abnormality in the 'social arena'. Sure, with practice, i will get better, but I have a long way to go! I guess i need to trust myself, and my own thoughts, before I can engage in life fully. I just restrain myself too much, for fear of letting loose the darkside of me. Even though i know it is locked up, I just restrain myself, incase it escapes... which is highly unlikely. Although i DO think it requires a conscious effort to keep it under lock and key. For when there are times when people annoy me SO much, it starts to get let loose! I should relax! Let myself loose! Not let mere images ruin my train of thought. Well, i think thats it for this post! Please reply, with any conflictions you may have, and tell me if I didn't mention something that you would like to know about! Cya! 16 conflictions | conflict

Imagine Neo's "Woah", but more so... [15 Feb 2002|03:03pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | NiN - Terrible Lie ] ...that's life! Hmmm, where do I start? Maybe back to when my dad got here? Well, he came, he saw, he went. We spoke about not a lot. He asked me and my brother to visit him on one of the weekends at Easter, I couldn't exactly say no. All in all though, it was a waste of time him coming to see us. He didn't do anything much, and I avoided him whenever I could. At least he is happier now that he is single. Stupid fool should make some friends where he lives. Joining the T.A should help him accomplish this. Hmmm, Valentines Day. I fooled myself this year, into thinking I'd get a card. Whenever I tell myself I have no chance, I get one. But no, this year, I tell myself I'll get one, and I don't. Cruel Irony at work here! I'm kinda gettin to think if I really want to experience imperfect love. Maybe I should wait until I die, and then I can experience true love, depending on many factors of course. On the other hand, I can't stop thinking about how beautiful girls are. Girls? Women? Ladies? Females? Whatever... they are stunning, in a variety of psychological and physical ways... it's like a Multi-Pack... you pick what flavour you like most. Although it has to be mutual. Sentient multi-packs...the commercialism of the future? I'm just gonna wait for a girl to chase after me, and then I'll know I'm wanted, and I can go out with someone, while knowing they chose me! Oh, today Beany did some stuff with basic maths, that tested my knowledge and the way I do Maths. I don't know what he is gonna do with whatever information he has gained, but it showed us that I'm backwards. Well... I'm forwards...when I should be backwards...or something like that. I know 33.3% of the maths stuff I should know already. This includes all types of Maths... basic maths...whatever. Tis the first time anyones sat down and told me to show how i work stuff out, and then completely surprise me by telling me I'm wrong. If I wanted to undo how I do maths, it's gonna take a lot of work. Many reasons as to my lack of knowledge of maths, and probably many other subjects. That'd be the next test...how do i do other subjects differently? I mainly don't know certain things, because my family moved around a lot when I was younger, but they moved around during the Easter Holidays usually... interupting the end of whatever year I was in, and throwing me into the end of another year that probably taught differently. There were even periods I didn't go to school. There was a period of about 8 months where I slept through school. I was woken up for each lesson, and slept during any breaktimes. Aparrently, this was recently diagnosed as a psychological problem. The 'always being tired' problem. :P I'm sure that's just the surface of my psychological problems. I remember times during my very young youth, when I'd injure myself to get attention. I even went as far as electricuting myself a couple of times. Other times I'd fall out of bed and hit the floor as hard as possible, just to make a loud noise and possibly injure myself. I also remember times during my childhood when I'd sit on my bed... and just... well... sit there. All night long, I'd sit there, staring at nothing. I have know idea what I was thinking about, or why I did it. Maybe it was the beginning, or manifestation of my 'How long can I stay up for and survive' attitude. LoL... more funny sides of my childhood involve times when I wouldn't take off my pyjamas. My mum didn't know. I'd just get ready for school by putting my school uniform on top of my pyjamas. I think my reasoning was, that it was a waste of time getting out of the clothes I spent most of my time in. I was caught one day, when I forgot to tuck my pyjama bottoms up into my trousers. My mum, to this day, thinks that it was a one off. Hmm... more about my childhood adventures another time. I had a dream last night that I would like to share, if only I could remember half of it. So i think I'll just explain what I think it is. Well, there are two possibilities. 1) Some outside forces are protruding into my consciousness and are testing me. I have no idea what they are testing and what I'm supposed to do. I guess thats what makes the results they get more accurate. 2) My conscious is tearing itself apart, and a Great War rages within me. Ideally, the war would be between the 'Good' side and the 'Evil' side. Unfortunately, I know there are many more forces at work than that, and what they are doing, or want, I have no idea. Maybe its a battle to be the final 'conscience' that has control over my 'real life' actions. All I know for sure is, I know when I'm dreaming, and when I'm being forced to dream particular things. The 'feel' of a dream will change, especially if I challenge its construct. I loose control over objects... either using them, or manifesting them. I loose the ability to control the dream, its story, the people, and how they act. I am sometimes forced to be 'disabled' in some way. Not physically, or mentally. It's a 'disability' that stop me from doing things as effectively as I can in real life. Like running for example, turns into a fully concentrated struggle to get my foot off of the ground. That's a bit extreme though... I'm mentally strong, and usually overcome some of these 'disabilities'. The 'story' within a dream, sometimes becomes a task driven story, within which I am given task to do, but not told what the task is, how to complete it, or even where the task is... Sometimes, the dream turns into what most people term a 'nightmare'. One fact remains in all my nightmares. They are all recurring... but not in the sense that the dream is the same. None of my dreams are identical. My nightmares are recurring, as in, they continue on from each other. Facts from the last one, are carried forward into the next, like a great big role-play game. Apart from the fact the the first few were shit scary, I've become highly resistent to them, and for your own security, I can tell you that the forces of evil are under control. Until next time, when the test continues... 3 conflictions | conflict

Long time... [07 Feb 2002|03:51pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Orgy - Faces ] ...no see. Well, life's...odd. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. My dads visiting this weekend, hopefully I can take him to see Black Hawk Down, cause it rocks! My mums gone on holiday again, but my dads here for a few days, and my brother will always be here :( StarGate SG-1, Buffy, Angel, Micallef... these are the programs I watch. (anyone tell my to spell PROGRAM differently, and I'll bit your fucking head off) (seriously!) I've gotten to thinking that the phrase 'free speech' should include, and theres no reason why it shouldn't, How you spell and say things. Although if people don't understand you, then you're obviously a moron who can't put a point across. I'm really getting pissed off with this Maths shit too. I guess i'll just have to put up with it until its over huh? No matter how much mental damage it causes. I'm also pissed off at how I'm told how I think or learn. I thought I made this clear?!? SHUT THE FUCK UP! Clear enough? Girls...whoa! Yeah. Man. No, not man... Girls... ...thats right! Don't worry Caroline, not you! LoL Sleep too... thats going somewhere. Always has really. No matter how much or how little I sleep, I'm constantly tired. The only exceptions to this are when I sleep somewhere other than my house, or there are people in my bedroom sleeping on the floor or whatever. This is one of many factors partaining to my jokes about surgery, war or other activities I may be partaining in without conscious knowledge. You may laugh and shrug that off as, being 'neurotic old Jamie'. But the life I live, is MY reality. We all experience a different reality, even while living in the same place. Talking about like, I thought of a nice phrase, that is cold and dark. "I shall send my men to their deaths, and they will thank me, for they shall know no life!" Anyways... i'm bored of this... Cya! 12 conflictions | conflict

Rant... [31 Jan 2002|03:51pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | NiN - Where is Everybody? ] ...and Rage. That's what I could do. I could. But I won't. I simply won't allow myself to say things that others will use to second guess me. In saying this, I realise that yes, whatever I say, people will second guess me. What I probably mean is... I will stop caring about what I say, and how people may judge me on it. If they are so shallow as to judge me on what 'may' or 'may not' be the 'reasons' behind my doing something, then screw them. I don't need people like that. When will people learn that I just want to be accepted for who I am, not 'what I could possibly do, if the actions I take now reflect actions I may take in the future'. What I do now, is something I just 'do'. It is a decision, affected by the enviornment I'm in, and the people I'm with, and any consequences I can forsee in taking that action. If I can live with the consequences that 'I' forsee, then I'll take the action. It's as simple as that. When the future comes, I'm sure I'm quite capable of making a new decision, based on those circumstances, and any outcomes. THIS is how 'I' work. If the decisions you take in your life affect your future decisions, then thats YOU. Not me. Don't compare my life to yours. I think it boils down to one thing. I'm the most complex person that I know. Not just the most complex I know, but most likely the most complex any of you are likely to meet. There's one main point to my 'self' that I've noticed for a while. It's hard to put across, but I think I can manage it. The thing is, is that I 'know' what I want. I 'know' what I like. I 'know'. The next thing is...blatently...you 'don't' know. Whenever people ask me 'why' I do things, or 'why' I want something, or 'why'... I blunder through and try to give them some sort of reason. They deserve a reason, surely? The truth is, I have no reason. I also see no 'reason' why I should have to have a reason for doing the things I do. I don't see why I should explain myself, especially when what I do, affects 'my' life, not theirs. There are many reasons why I think my conscious...if I can call myself and object...I should really say...'why I think 'I'...so... There are many reasons why I think I work differently than others. My whole perception of the way things 'are' is different. My concept of life and death, and the bits inbetween are different. I think differently. Act differently. Respond differently. I have made these observations by comparing myself to those around me. It would be impossible to have a 'control' in this comparison. But from what I can see, human behaviour can be documented, and almost everyone acts the same in various psychological aspects. I'm not denying they are individuals. Everyones individual. Everyone thinks for themselves, and does whatever they decide. I'm talking about the part of us that is hard to define. The 'construct' of our very being. The very 'essence' that makes us human. It's this 'essence' that I feel is different within me. I don't understand things very often, I just don't show it. Like when someone 'fears' a particular thing. I can't get my head around it. WHY? Why do they fear it? I don't fear it. Why do they? I'm kinda babbling huh? It's hard to explain, as I've said. I'm trying to define 'it'. Whatever 'it' may be... ...I guess what I'm trying to say... ...is... ...I'm different. Not just 'different' different. But REALLY different. Like, if I let someone psychologically study me (although thats stupid, cause I'd switch to my 'do what i think they want me to do, so they don't think anythings wrong with me' mode). Anyways, if I let them study me... I'd probably be termed as, and this IS the technical deffinition... ...TOTALLY FUCKED UP. I am. I exist. I 'know'. 6 conflictions | conflict

360 degrees, and I'm cold... [25 Jan 2002|12:33pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Deftones - Digital Bath ] Hmmm, yes, tis me again. That slightly eccentric, funny haired, guy. I had a Maths exam today. I know i've failed it, mainly because I hardly answered any of the questions. I spent the first 30 minutes pondering about irrelevant stuff. The middle 30 minutes roughly doodling answers to the questions, and the last 30 minutes figuring out, and finding a kick ass pattern connected to the number 360. Yesterday I had my Hepititas A Booster shot. HAHA! Now you all fear me. :P I then went home and pissed around, watched TV, played games, that kinda stuff. We're gonna have a LAN party thing on Saturday night, but we still need to get a collapsible table type thing for my room if its gonna work... I wanted to go on this cycling trip through Russia with this charity, Chiz found the advert for me, thx man! Only thing though... is that I have to pay my own entry, and then raise ?2,500!!! I don't think so... Hmm, what else? Nothing I can think of, cause I'm dumb. Ok then! Cya! 5 conflictions | conflict

5 Gold Rings... [22 Jan 2002|11:53am] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Rammstein/Sunna - Sonne/Power Struggle ] ...which have no other relavence o this post, other than its been 5 days since my last post. :P Hmm, 5 days... and I've done what? I had my first fun exam. Media Studies! I love answering their questions, mainly because I get to excercise my brain. I had fun answering a question which cut short was "Is news true?". Man... I can't wait to see my grade :P What else have i done?... I went to Hatfield Galleria to look for clothes and trainers. Couldn't find either. Shops suck. They don't have anything I want, or any trainers that fit my big feet :P I got Diablo II back, which means I get to play with my kick-ass Barbarian dude. Sweeet! Oh, during my media exam, i thought to myself that maybe I should go to some sort of college when I leave KTS. That way i get to do the a-levels that I want to do, rather than the a-levels that are available. Being at KTS for these las 2 years, and with the up-coming exams, has made me realise I've made major mistakes in my past choices. Hopefully I can learn from these mistakes, and implement those lessons learnt, into any future choices I make. The two bands and two songs are up there ^ because Sunna followed on from Rammsteins 'Sonne', which was cool. The playlist was on shuffle. I need to get out more. Any offers? conflict

Subject Matter... But what shall I subject it to? [17 Jan 2002|11:03pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Metallica - Fuel ] *cough* Yes. Tis me. I'm bored. I'm alive. Praise the lord(s). (Depends which one is seeing to my health and life, if any of them) Comedy... my last line to life... tastes so sweet... ...my first line is temptation of the flesh! Yummy. :P 5 conflictions | conflict

Chris Rock! [13 Jan 2002|08:27pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | NiN - Where is Everybody? ] ...He's a comedian, and he is SO funny! I'm willing to say that he's probably THE most funniest stand-up comedian I've seen, ever! I would type out all the funny stuff he says, but you have to hear it from him, cause I'd ruin it, and forget stuff, and the timing would be all wrong. Anyways, yeah. I'm filling my life with comdey, and films, and music, now that my computer time has been cut. I watched Rocky 2... that's how bored I was. Then I got REALLY annoyed at how there was nothing on TV, so I watched my only 'Friends' video I have. Funny stuff. Got an AS maths retake tomoz... I'll just turn up, take it, and go home, like I do. I was gonna lend Caz the Foo Fighters Album 'The colour and the shape'. Oh well... I'll give it to him if he wants it, some time. Beany gave me back Theme Hospital. I'd nearly forgotten I owned it, let alone he had it. He lent me a book too, which I will read... some time. I got to watch a movie I was lent about 3 months ago... i wonder when i'll get to this book. I don't even read books. heh. The irony. Maybe I only got that one... Hmm... Completed Shogun:Total War. Shite ending. But at least the ruler of all Japan, was wearing ORANGE!!! Well... thats it from us... ...boring huh? 1 confliction | conflict

Proof I need help... [10 Jan 2002|10:23pm] Disorder Rating Paranoid: High Schizoid: High Schizotypal: Very High Antisocial: Moderate Borderline: Very High Histrionic: High Narcissistic: Moderate Avoidant: Very High Dependent: Moderate Obsessive-Compulsive: High -- Click Here To Take The Test -- conflict

School, school, school... [09 Jan 2002|04:17pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Spineshank - Synthetic ] ...I can't wait till its over! I done my essay for Kennedy. Hope she likes it. Don't care if she don't! I heard from Kenyon that Mason dropped out of the marines. Mason hasn't given a reason, but I want to know why :) Just Kenyon in the TA and Worgan (spelt?) in the Regulars. I got a few years till I join up... unless my school life goes tits up. Then I'll be joining next year. I've decided to spend a year earning money, and body building, before signing up :) Got an AS resit tomorow. I haven't revised for it yet. AS I've said before, I can't really revise. But I'll read through the work thats relevant to it, and see what happens. I'm not fussed. I have nothing to do. Look how mundane all that stuff is above this |^| Bored, bored, bored... someone, shoot me... I wanna see if theres life after death. I promise I'll report back my findings! 3 conflictions | conflict

i was bored... saw a cool film... and now i'm bored... [06 Jan 2002|09:40pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Nickleback - How You Remind Me ] Got homework to do, don't want to do it, so i won't. Simple as that really. Got out of bed at 2 in the afternoon yesterday, watched a whole bunch a friends episodes for hours and hours, and then went on a sleepover round Caz's. Notin much happened there, but it was something to do. Nice of him to put up with me, I must be boring everyone to death. ...i radiate boredom... Got invited by Beany to see 'Behind Enemy Lines today'. I had nothin to do, so I accepted. It was a really cool movie, with some really good camera work and special effects. Very arty as well, which was nice. Came home from the movie, listened to music for a couple of hours, looked at what i had to do for homework, decided not to do homework and so listened to more music. ...had dinner somewhere in there... then I came on here, the net, and looked at stuff to keep myself occupied. ....alas, it failed, and I'm bored... conflict

No-one... nothing... only music will save me now. [04 Jan 2002|11:24pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Creed - Signs ] Went to Caz's last night on a sleepover, which was kinda cool. Watched some good films, talked a bit, gave me something to do! Which is good! I got these Doritoes which said on them 'With a hint of Chilli'. DAMN MAN, they're hot! Oh well... they're nice too! :P I went to Stevenage today to try and buy some clothes, but I didn't get anything cause there was nothin there that was any good. I also think trying to buy t-shirts during winter is not gonna work... but i can try! I did buy two Albums though, and they're both really good! Which is nice :) I got Static-X's 'Machine' and Creed's 'Weathered'. Got a bunch of great songs to listen to now... something new for my brain to absorb before it gets bored with them too. I think i'm eventually gonna die of boredom... I got offers from Leeds though, BBC on both the courses I applied for in Leeds. I'm absolutely not overjoyed, like most people seem to be when they get offers. I doubt I'll get the required grades... I'm too dumb... well, not dumb, but I don't want to do school work anymore. I've never revised properly in my life anyways... I can't revise... don't know how... and its not just 'not knowing'. My brain hasn't been trained to learn by revision. I either 'get it' or i don't. Going to Camden has revived my 'chain wearing' thang... which will also give me something to do... until again, I get bored... my life feels so empty. I'm really beginning to think that these next few months will be the last few months I'm gonna spend with my friends and family. Facing reality, I realise that I'm not going to get into University, so I'm going to have to join the army after my exams. Hopefully i'll be operational by 2003, and before any major war breaks out. Then I can go and serve in the middle east. I was born to fight, I can feel it. I'm so fucking good with a gun. I have the right kinda build, I'm tall, I can get fit. My reflexes are cool. I can survive ages without eating. The thought of eating insects intrigues me, rather than disgusts me. I want to spend days waist... no... neck deep in swamps. I'm resistant to cold and heat. I want to survive... 6 conflictions | conflict

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