Sunday, September 2nd, 2001
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2:15 am - obligations are so passe
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to be continued.....where it belongs....underneath my mattress...
so much for my emo diary, ha.
Love mer
current mood:  annoyed
current music: les savy fav
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Tuesday, August 21st, 2001
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12:29 am - Choose Your Own Adventure
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"Some of my best friends are bastards like you, at least they're not neurotic too."
A. This weekend was really nice. 1 year after we met, it's pretty fun to reminisce. We went to dinner and the whole time I just tried to guess the surprise. I hate surprises, but I guess it's pretty fun to try and guess. We drove around and I guessed that we were going to see "Rat Race", he admitted that was his plan. But then we drove by the Myan and his jig was up. He brought me to see "Ghost World" a movie I had been wanting to see forever.
The audience was the weirdest audience had ever seen. There were three indescribably horrible laughs...I squeezed his arm hard and tried not to laugh. And then their was the expert behind me who new EVERYthing about the comic book, and since his date was a retard he had to explain every scene and make obvious comments. It was funny.
Then on Sunday we went to a photography exhibit. I found a photo of Neil Young I totally need!
Last night was the best though......
B. So something happened I never thought would happen. Someone saw something I never meant for them to see. Even though a lot has changed in the relationship since I started this thing, he still didn't understand. I wish he could have seen all the good things I wrote about him, I wish he would have let me explain evreything.
I guess this is for the best. It will be good for everyone....I never ment to cause chaos in anyone's lives or break hearts or ruin friendships. But that seems to have happened through my ramblings and misunderstood jokes. It's over, we're done, you won.
2 endings...1 happy, 1 sad.
Love mer
current mood:  blank
current music: Black Anger
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Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
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2:32 am - blamestress
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hahahahahaha
graboids
hahahahahaha
mannequins
hahahahaah
small head, little body
hahahahahaha
man hands
hahahahaha
parker posey
hahahahahaha
Carson and Tara
hahahaahahah
glazing! (or some wrong word like that)
i have a puppy dog that has followed me around for a year, it's pretty entertaining....he's not very good at "sit" or "play dead"....but he's an expert at "begging". I wonder where he learned that...
Love mer
current mood:  mischievous
current music: microphones
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Friday, August 10th, 2001
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6:23 pm - It's alright if it makes you feel better
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So the other day, Robby was telling me how I always talk about events in my life that seem to have happened a long time ago. But they only happened a year ago at the most. And then I was reading my book and the narrator talks about how he thinks it is weird that he can recognize the events in his life that changed him. So while I was thinking about these 2 facts at the same time...I realized the life-changing events in my life.
From the span of December 1999 to September 2000 a lot happened.
Those were the big events that sparked things, that changed things, and things that I always refer to. Some showed me different sides of people, some led to meeting new people, but mostly these are the things that made me grow up. This may sound lame, but these events made me who I am....and it's weird to think they happened less then 2 years ago, because it really feels like forever ago.
Sorry if this is lame, but these are the kind of thoughts driving for 2 hours everyday will do.
Love mer
current mood: grateful
current music: mixtape
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Thursday, August 9th, 2001
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12:47 am - I remember when I remember when
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Have you ever been motivated enough to sit and listen to all your records, one after another, both sides? For some strange reason I did tonight.
I could give you all the gory details, but I won't. I'll just say it is not as bad as one may think, and Liz is way too dramatic. I should give my mom more credit.
I have an urge to change jobs, probably because everyone I like at work right now are doing just that. I have the option of working full time and going to school at night. I would make enough money for next year, but no time for fun. what's the point of that?
my sister is home
I need a haircut
no more sitting down
someone please quiz me on 90210
current mood: shaking my head at you
current music: gang of four
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Friday, August 3rd, 2001
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6:04 pm - packing things in boxes
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Grrrrrrrrrrrrr....I am so ANGRY right now! Why can't I be 21? huh! I don't want to be 21 to buy booze or anything, I just want to see bands I love play in front of my excited eyes! I don;t want to go to shows just for the sake of going to a show anymore. I only want to see bands that mean something to me, of course all these turn out to be 21 and over....screw 'em.
On another note, someone told me they were liked me too much, and might be obsessed with me. If that's not something that makes me want to get away, I don't know what is. Of course it was comforting at the same time...
confused?
yeah me too...
Love mer
current mood:  confused
current music: The beauty pill
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12:29 pm - This crush is perfect
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Robert Cave-in (not to be confused with the band cave-in), how can I NOT be in love with him?
we talked about The Cave-ins show with Mates of States and The Minders. The Mushy relationships.
The trials and tribulations with the band. and of course Cluck-U chicken.
then I sent him my new bangs picture....
SHAMPOO 32: hot!
SHAMPOO 32: akgpasdoghas;lektrnw9eiryw0e9tgy7s0dainv
wedialasong: haha, do I look mean?
SHAMPOO 32: don't let tall john see that!!!!!!!!!!
wedialasong oh no!
wedialasong: does he hate bangs too??
SHAMPOO 32: no. He'll move to greely!
wedialasong: haha, tell him I am a cave-ins girl
SHAMPOO 32: I"m getting all nervous just typing to you now
SHAMPOO 32: you look pretty sassy. and you disagree with all that talk and stuff
wedialasong: I am frumpy remember
wedialasong: all that talk is silly!
SHAMPOO 32: i told a bunch of people like carson and tall john that you were frumpy when I met you. I lied so I wouldnt get in trouble
SHAMPOO 32: I would have gotten in big trouble if I told the truth
wedialasong: would they have told haircut girl?
SHAMPOO 32: I dont think so, but they would have gotten real interested and probably would have kept bringing it up had I been more honest about the foxyness thing
SHAMPOO 32: what if I show it to tall john?
SHAMPOO 32: I want to!
wedialasong: they only like the foxy ladies, us frumpy women get left in the dust
SHAMPOO 32: oh what a thing to say!
wedialasong do it, but if he moves here I'll have to introduce him to cluck- u!
SHAMPOO 32: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
SHAMPOO 32: that's not even funny
SHAMPOO 32: I'll beat him to it
SHAMPOO 32: I'll move there first
wedialasong: you'd better!!
he just makes me smile, and remember.
Love mer
current mood: amused
current music: julie doiron
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Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
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12:27 am - I remember when I could remember when
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Today....
I never realize how I look until I see pictures.
I have steven tyler lips
and archie freckles
and chipmunk cheeks
and tiny tiny eyes, blue slits really
good thing mandee finally made me pluck my eyebrows
all together I just look like a blue-eyed Molly Ringwald...one that might pretend to be her at Universal Studios or something.
Thanks to Kelly and Mandee for calling me Virgin Suicides style..it totally made today feel normal.
Hey you--STOP IT!
Love mer
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Double Agent 1980
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Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
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1:02 am - Wellington's Wednesdays
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I think I have this thought in my head that people don't recognize me, or know who I am. I saw someone the other day who I hardly ever talked to, and he seemed happy to see me and even remembered my name. It caught me completly off guard.
Nikki can now join our "luv" club.
I am compiling a money saving plan, I just realized that if I am going to pay rent and tuition and go to england and buy a bass, I'm going to have to save money. Enough of this spending money on shit thing. I don't need anymore clothes or food or records. My eyes are on the big prize.
I did something weird. I saw someone be really pathetic. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had followed my instincts all along.
Whoever you're talking about is nothing to call home about.
Love mer
current mood: listless
current music: The Weakerthans
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(comment on this)
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Monday, July 30th, 2001
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7:53 pm - Is this emo enough for you?
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embarassed
guilty
dumb
loved
beautiful
tired
sorry
worried
my most used emotions, and I felt them all this weekend.
my plans have changed.
i only love luv in the heat of the moment....but I miss it right now.
Big Lebowski night, white russians all around.
current mood:  nerdy
current music: white stripes
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Saturday, July 28th, 2001
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8:38 pm - "I would never kiss an ape"
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I don't like obnoxious people who wear flip flops. Or people who lie too much.
yesterday.....
I didn't feel well
I was mad at someone
my rose bloomed
I saw a couple fight
I swooned over marky mark and some apes
Today....
we stalked someone
I felt like I was in a movie/commercial
ate some good thai food
I felt giddy , that's what happens when you fall in luv.
Love mer
current mood: giddy
current music: retsin
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Friday, July 27th, 2001
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1:54 pm - Last Night Someone said I was a Sexy Sleeper.
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wow...you know something is askew in life when I can't eat....especially cold mexican food.
I'm home, no more vacations for me this summer (although I really want to see my brother still)
Robby picked me up from the airport and since his stereo was stolen from his car we had to sing our own songs the entire way home. There were a lot of miss-used words and unclear blabber, but we knew all the words to bohemien rapsody and enough of the "In Living Color" theme song to get by. Oh and I new every chorus of any aerosmith song ever written.
Emo presents for everyone....I love the pirates....Apes tonight...I'm SO bringing my doll with me and asking anyone who looks like an ape to autograph it.
My brain is jiggiling around in my head, I can't make everyone happy, it's upsetting...perhaps I'll just be selfish.
Love mer
current mood:  sick
current music: My Little Pony the Movie
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Tuesday, July 24th, 2001
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11:37 pm - About That
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I wrote a drunken email last night. I remembered it this morning and worried about it. I opened the response up and it actually made me feel really good. It made me feel better about a lot of things...relationships in gerneral. I don't know, but for some reason I have lost faith in any sort of relationship. I have become pessimistic about how they will end...and if they end what's the point? Here are some pieces of the emails...parts make me want to cry, haha.
"You know what I was just remembering? A really long time ago...when we were
first started dating and you had strep throat (or something) and we were both
reading "The Shining" and I was in Arizona. Christ, that was so long ago.
It's been about a year since we've seen eachother....I guess I'm starting to
forget about everything (I don't have a very good memory). I can't decide if
it's good or bad.
Sorry, I know this isn't the tone of our usual emails....but relationships
suck (especially past ones) because there's always some trite detail of life
that makes you remember"
"I think I remember that. I remember reading the shining, and I remember what a fucking pain in the ass it always was when you went to Arizona because after about the first day I'd start to miss you a lot and want to see you and be bored out of my mind waiting for you to come back.
What do you mean you're starting to forget about everything? I've forgotten a lot. there's a few key things I still remember. I think that's all that's really important. I don't know if this means anything to you, but you're the closest thing to a normal relation ship I ever had. I've dated some real psychos before you and after you. I guess that's what I get for dating pieces of crap. Anyway, you're the only one that I still have any desire to keep in touch with. But yeah, I'll probably forget most of us going out as time goes on, but I'll always remember the important stuff about it. "
It just felt good to know that it wasn't a waste.
Love mer
current mood: drained
current music: Built to Spill
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5:08 pm - I hold my Planet of the Apes doll lovingly
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I have a story proving I am a glutton once again.....I forgot to tell it a while ago.
I went to Johnny Carino's for my mom's bday...and my parents thought the waiter was flirting with me the whole time (I don't think so, he was just friendly) But anyway...when he brought the dessert trey I stared and everything with huge eyes and licked my lips and salivated. I got excited when I saw the turtle cheesecake and you could not wipe the huge grin I had off my face.
So after I ordered (with the big smile licking my lips) my parents and sister burts out in laughter. They could not believe how much I was "flirting" with him and how I batted my eyes and such.
I just stared at them confused. When I tried to explain I was excited over the food, not the waiter, they didn't believe me. I wasn't even paying any attention to the waiter, I was tsaring and drooling at the beautuful cakes!
I must be weird.
Love mer
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Monday, July 23rd, 2001
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11:51 pm - ----This is a Test----
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I think I need to follow my instincts more often, because they are always what is right. I need to stop thinking about my decisions and concequences so much, and just do what I want.
i am having a conversation right now. It is pychological...it is making me feel weird.
Have you ever noticed people often broadcast their horrible lives and problems? I guess I just don't get it. I avoid it at all costs, I feel pathetic doing that...shouldn't they?
I am lonely and want to go home...nothing a little rum and coke won't remedy.
Love mer
current mood: sore
current music: Selby Tigers
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12:42 am - wiring fault
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I used to play in hay and construction supplies and cattle pins. I used to pretend to play with fairies and had trolls and made "food" with berries and grass and mud.
I used to care about washing my hair everyday and wearing clean clothes and making an "impression".
I used to spend all my money on shoes and clothes and make-up and bagels and cream cheese at lunchtime.
Now, my hair looks better dirty, I only have a few clothing items I like and wear them all the time (or I'm just lazy and wear what's on my floor). I have no one to impress anymore, boys are too much work and I have all the friends I really need. Now I would just rather read and listen to music then anything else. I'm weird today, haha.
I went to the Tolerence Museum in L.A. It was really good, but depressing. I also saw Dan from the Real World Miami at the Farmer's Market...I think that is the first REally famous person I have ever really seen, it was odd.
My sister lost her baggage.
I am ready to go home.
I am drinking wine.
I am very tired.
Love mer
current mood: melancholy
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Saturday, July 21st, 2001
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12:41 am - auxiliary
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beachy weachy....
I was able to sleep in a bit today, not very much.
I went to an art museum and saw a few things I liked and then relaxed the rest of the day on Huntington Beach....to try and recober form D-town.
The ocean is coooooooooold and parking in California sucks a lot.
A boy who will soon be going to CSU talked to me for a long time, I didn't really want to talk to him, but I'm too nice. WHy is that? I can not be mean to people....even people I do not like. I just kept talking because I felt bad...grrr.
Then I went to an outside plaza type thing and heard pre-teens talk. I wonder if I was as dumb as them when I was their age...I don't think so. At least I know i'm not now, I'm pretty good at looking through people's bullshit.
I am going to learn how to play the fiddle...yes I am, watch me and you will swoon.
Love mer
current mood: flirty
current music: bridal shower diddies
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Friday, July 20th, 2001
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1:15 am - D-Town
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Today we awoke at 7 to get to Disneyland when it opened.....we didn't get home until after 1.
16 hours of walking...my feet are in PAIN!
The abraham Lincoln ride is good and often overlooked.
The Pirates of the Caribbean is by far the best ride.
I rode Indiana Jones 4 times!
I stared at people, I took many pictures without people in them, I stood in line, I saw funny children, I planned my future trips to d-land, and now I am tired. Goodnight.
Love mer
current mood: tired
current music: julie doiron
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Thursday, July 19th, 2001
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9:23 pm - green rice
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Today was a very long day.
1. I woke up at 5 to fly to Orange COunty.
2. Took touristy photos in front of John Wayne stature after arriving at John Wayne airport.
3. Studyied a map to compare Fresno, Modesto, San Francisco, and Las Angeles--realized there was no way to run into Robert Cave-in.
4. Walked around outside shopping mall at 10 in the morning. Looked at at least 5 shoe stores. Witnessed at least 50 people wearing black converse and Hurley t-shirts.
5. Ate Crab Alfredo...way too filling
6. went to the pool and saw old man in speedo with european accent...a very attractive girl about my age with a european accent...and too many kids.
7. showered and did something weird to my hair.
8. ate a monster enchilada and saw 100 more people wearign converse and hurley gear.
I found the Jimmy Corrigan hardcover book for $20--very exciting.
I miss John Wayne.
Love mer
PS There was a question on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" about "Waiting for Guffman" Needless to say the manly woman with the mullet caompared it to "Waiting for Gadoe (sp ?)" and got it wrong.
current mood: lonely
current music: Who Want to be a Millionaire
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Wednesday, July 18th, 2001
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11:25 pm - I'm Lost Without You Here
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It really is a wonder how my father is able to look me in the eye when I see him.
He just bought a brand new BMW convertable. He tells me about New York and how wonderful it looks at night. He tells me about the new expensive resterantshe's discovered and loved. I see the photos of he and his wife and friends having fun--drinking expensive red wine on cruise ships. I sit and admire his DVD player with surround sound--it was a present from his wife for "Father's Day"--whatever. A $500 check every month for your 2 daoughters and not communicating with your son anymore is NOT being a father.
Sure he works hard so he can afford his lavish lifestyle--but that's easy when you ignore your responsibilities and just think of yourself. I just think of my mom whenever my dad goes on vacations.....she has to scrimp and save to go to the mountains...
I can't sit here and cry about how sickened this place makes me anymore. I'm just going to sleep and read this week away and think of.....? I dunno, I guess I'll try and think of something that makes me happy.
Love mer
current mood: angry
current music: Rocketship
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