| three?!?! |
[14 Feb 2003|02:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dirty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dr. mcalister would not approve of any music in the office |
] |
yesterday...
i have been feeling really insecure and paranoid lately and i flipped last nite. after scott and i ate at the diner, we came back to jackson and met up with sarah [ms. clancy]. she totally caught me off gaurd when she told me that she had found my livejournal and she had seen that i posted on her friend's journal. i was randomly posting on swt peeps' journals, and one of them so happened to be her friend's. the message said, "you're hott." i like his pic. i'm horny. anyway, i haven't come out to sarah cuz i never knew whether she, or scott, were comfortable with homos. and i was high. and paranoia hit me upside the head. and there were so many unfamiliar people on the elavator. and i felt the spotlight heating up. ah! so i fucking denied ever posting that message. i was only trying to avoid the whole homosex talk. how stupid of me. and it got me all shaky and pensive. i don't know what to think.
...today
valentine's day. i rolled outta bed and went to a hist. lecture. came back to find that i had locked myself out of my room for the sixth time this school year. and so i had my tea and came to work [early]. liz and mariza left to the valley. fuck, what am i supposed to do? i feel gross. i haven't showered and i'm wearing the same clothes i've been wearing since wednesday. i stink. fuck, what the fuck am i doing this weekend? where the fuck is robert? asshole!
i feel dirty, inside and out.
i feel weak.
|
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| free! |
[13 Feb 2003|03:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
this weather sucks
i can't breathe
my hair is short again, thanks to my insecurities and impulsivity
|
|
| tuesday [9] |
[11 Feb 2003|05:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cheerful |
] |
the moon is waxing. i feel good. well, except for the fact that i haven't gotten much rest. i told off vincent's friend for typing his paper in our room 'til 2 fuckin' a.m. i think he felt bad. whoops! what can i say, i am a bitch when i don't get my sleep. honestly. i was scared to say anything to a 6' big black man, but fuck, was i pissed.
my sketches for the birthday drawing are turning out to look awesome. my 'sunshine' drawing received an A. that makes me feel good. kelli gave me a really cool digital drawing that she designed for my birthday. keep them presents coming along!
micheal john has requested that i visit with him tonite. i really do not want to see him - haha - but i should. i'm an awful friend. what else would i be doing? getting high!
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|
| in the waiting line |
[10 Feb 2003|01:33am] |
|
waitin' in line | 'til your time
tickin' clock | everyone stop
cause everyone's sayin' different things to me | different things to me
do you believe in what you see?
there doesn't seem to be anybody else who agrees with me
do you believe in what you see?
emotion is sweet | nothin' is real
wastin' my time |in the waitin' line
do you believe in what you see?
9 to 5 | livin' lies
everyday | stealin' time
everyone's taking everything they can | everything they can
...cause everyone's sayin' different things to me
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| step to these mother beats |
[07 Feb 2003|03:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 horny |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nemesis w/ dj kane |
] |
food for the day: 1 tazo awake, 1 glazed sour cream, 1 oatmeal bar, 1 bag of gardetto's.
results: alive, jittery, hungry.
ask me anything about the 17th century americas: the spanish, the french, virginia, english, english colonies, slavery, etc. but don't fuckin' ask me anything about the middle colonies! ah, god damn mother fucker! you got me there. grrrrr. fuck you!
jacob was in the office today. whoa! he has hair!
i am in the office alone. time to steal office supplies. it's all mine.
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| clumsy |
[05 Feb 2003|06:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 moody |
] |
i locked myself out of my room
in a daze all day huh?
i feel like throwing up on you
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| pu5h 1t |
[04 Feb 2003|06:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
underworld - beaucoup fish |
] |
this album is amazing.
tuesday has proved to be a great day. great! i spoke with my mother. yey. the feeling i get is indescribable. i love that woman. i thought of sarah and vanessa today. and all the fun we had together. i miss them terribly.
time: c3:20p.m.
location: flowers hall
"say, mando," says big black baller #1, "what's up?"
"nothin'." answers mando.
"hey mando." says big black baller #2.
"hey." says mando.
"hey, mando, gimme sum lovin'," says big black baller #3 as he proceeds to give a ghetto thug hug to mando.
"i can see all the waves in your hair." says big black baller #1.
"i see you've been using a do-rag." says big black baller #3.
"hahahahahahahahahahahaha." laughs mando as he walks away.
what is to come?
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| lions and tigers and bears oh my! |
[04 Feb 2003|12:37am] |
Gay/Lesbian movie! You love fooling around with the
same sex, so it's no surprise you'll be
starring in a gay porn flick. We all know you
"swing that way"...
What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| mellow? haha. |
[03 Feb 2003|10:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mellow |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
urbal beats |
] |
too much kind weed. i did not have as much fun as i expected to at the rave. in fact, i had no fun. people need to look in the mirror before they go out. sorry, but people looked like shit. i'm gay. and i saw renee [penn]. i think she goes to rice. i dunno...i was too gone to say anything to her. but i did stare. sunday was great, though. i went to the galveston beach. the water's nasty...but being near the ocean is good. good for the soul. rejuvinating. my pisces feet got wet. then i drove to austin. liz and i had a meeting at zilker. good times. i think i spent too much money at starbuck's this weekend. shit. today i got paid. ok amount...enough to cover the starbuck's spree. i don't know if that's good or bad.
today was a fuckety day. i think me quitting smoking [cigarettes] is a bad idea. i'm too strung out. too pissy. blah! shoot people.
my nites always do a 180. my music is too loud. i need to get drawing. hmm...
i saw the moon!!
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| imbolc/candlemas/new moon |
[01 Feb 2003|12:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dj mark farina - mushroom jazz 4 |
] |
it's time for celebration.
i just got out of my drug ed. class. god, i feel pathetic. more humiliation. there are sum cool peeps in there and then there are those dumb ones. and our instructor is part of the dumb ones. basically, it's a waste of time.
i'm fuckin' tired cuz i had to wake up at 8:30am to make it there at 9 o'clock. and i was smokin' with marixa, goya, and sarah last nite. dude, sarah ghariani, smokin', the ganja. no, i'm not crazy. so now i'm off to houston. lunar new year tonite! hell yea. i'm fuckin' excited. i haven't danced since sarah and i went to see micro in the valley. oh, that was fun, and i hope this party is fun. fuck yea!
lonestar arena, houston, tx
dj icey
ron-e
boogie monster
sdf-3
mr. spacely
brain
oh, it's gonna be crunk. i better dance my ass off. first, i must take a shower and have breakfast/brunch/lunch. i hope everyone finds this new moon to their liking. blessed be.
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| fuck this country |
[30 Jan 2003|03:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
fibonaci sequence - sum whack ass shit! |
] |
i have to vent.
i just paid my probation officer $42. and $200 to Hays county for a stupid drug education program. and my dad agreed to pay $125 to the Hidalgo County Court people. this is all so fuckin' retarded. this is after i paid the court $250. this shit is retarded. these laws are retarded.
how could i be so stupid as to leave my door unlocked and my pipe out in the open. oh, it was such a beautiful gift. fuck them. to merceds police dept. i say FUCK YOU. to Hidalgo county i say FUCK YOU. to the state of texas i say FUCK YOU. to the USA i say FUCK YOU.
FUCK IT ALL! FUCK YOU ALL!
take your god damned money and shove it. wipe your dirty asses. and build your drug free communities in your stupid head. it's never gonna happen! your all american dream is all american bullshit.
and i will continue to live my life under these pathetic laws that not even government officials follow. hopefully some day i will be able to escape it all. where would i live if not here? it's a trap.
>>> i hope your greedy, wrinkled faces are smiling. and i hope that you sleep well at nite. enjoy your lies and your life.
in the end who wins? besides, financial aid is paying for my education. so, what am i really bitching about? well, i would never wish anything like this upon anyone. it's not that i'm losing money i could use for other things (like school, you fuckin' assholes!)....it's the humiliation...the embaressment. this is pathetic and it makes me feel pathetic.
one last time, in unison, "FUCK YOU!"
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| quicky |
[30 Jan 2003|12:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
high |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dave ralph - tranceport II departures |
] |
today was a moody day. good day in the end. there's nothing like a good ending.
nah, but i just wish i could understand.
the government is a piece of crap. i spit on them. they take your money. what do they want with it?
mariza came and saved the day. saw goya. hadn't seen that motha in like...i dunno it had been a long while.
what is going on?
i whis it was understood. i just want to have fun. doesn't...? why not?!?!?! hahaha. "that's a good disclaimer, miss cleo." 11:30p.m. wednesday
i love surprises.
i want my money back! bitches!
i'm pissed, but i'm so fuckin' happy. insanity.
RRR
who knows what is inside what is inside what is
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| bored |
[27 Jan 2003|08:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 working |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nirvana - acoustic style |
] |
i spent the weekend sober. i accomplished alot of things. i guess that's what happens when you're clear-headed. being high is not the same anymore. when i am high, i think about how stupid i feel and how easily i could've avoided the rush of feelings and emotions. maybe i only feel that way because of the timing and my state of mind at this point in life. either way, i'd like to start functioning sober again. i'm coming down slowly. i know i'm not giving up on mary completely. i'm sure we'll 'hang out on clouds' during the weekends. it's better that way.
the lunar new year is almost upon us. i feel like jumping out of my skin. i'm excited. this has to be over...it IS almost over. thank the lady and lord. it's almost my birthday, also. but who really is excited about turning 19? hmm. whatev.
today was weird. i woke up. felt good. took sum good notes. went to work. felt annoyed. damn christine has me doing 5 things at once. this fuckin' stoner can bearly handle one thing. i think she's fuckin' stoned herself. she's always laughing and she forgets everything. haha! stoner bitch! so i took off early. fuck work. ate. thought about boys and how horny i still am. walked. alot. up the stairs. down the stairs. up the hill. down the hill. fuck exercise, i'm taking the elevator. had a argument-free conversation with liz. ate agian. felt bloated. now i'm annoyed cuz these damn fuckers keep slamming doors. i'm almost done with all my homework, though. now i can sketch and draw. i'm done with my complaining.
i love my friends. i miss most of them. i got to see einar and viking this weekend! this weekend...it was like a retreat...
all i can do now is anticipate the new moon...
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| "we don't soul search anymore" |
[24 Jan 2003|02:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence |
] |
last nite the devil came to me. oh, nelly, was the ganja good. gooooood. when i decide to stop smoking it gets better, or what the fuck? man, marixa and i smoked one bowl and we were flying high. very very high.
and then we had our high talk. good conversation. poured our hearts out. laughed. cried. coughed. good times. thanks mariza.
the weekend starts in about 2 hours. i wonder what will happen......
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| low place like home |
[22 Jan 2003|10:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sneaker pimps |
] |
finch was loud and kicking. that little man has a voice. highlights: 'awake,' the worms song, the EP song.
susieQ made my day. i love liz and her skirt. i don't understand why we have to fight at least once every day.
i don't know if i'll start fearing the reefer. i know i should. am i ready, though?
|
|
| up and down |
[21 Jan 2003|02:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bt - mercury and solace |
] |
i couldn't hold it in any longer. last nite i cried myself to sleep. it was hard. i couldn't fall asleep. my whole face was wet. i'm such a pussy. i just couldn't take it anymore. after being away from home for over 4 months you'd expect me to have adjusted to everything. i haven't. i miss stability. i miss home. i miss my friends. i mean, i have everyone close by...but not close enough. i just want to be able to call someone up without having to use a damn calling card. i need someone to talk to face to face. someone who understands and cares. i need companionship. i'm fuckin' lonely. seriously. on the outside i'm bright and fuckin' chipper. but in the inside i'm an ocean ready to break through these brown eyes. it's hard.
i have everything i could ask for. i have the grades. i'm in college. i'm not being convicted for anything. i have money. what is wrong with me? why can't i just be satisfied with life? should i talk to a professional about this? i won't. the last thing i need is to be fucked up on medication. that shit is crazy. ask liz. and i figure this is temporary. but it's been going and going. i'm happy one day and sad the next. i wonder how i've been able to deal with this bull shit for so long. at least i'm not suicidal. i know life will get better. but when?
i'm so fucking frustrated.
i just got out of art. art people are cool. they're so nice. and i met this girl who practices. how cool...maybe that's what i need.... my spirituality is lacking. does that make sense? i miss my tarot cards. that's it. i need to make it a point to buy new wicca books. i'm gonna go reread every book i have and finish reading the ones i haven't read.
i need stability. fuck this.
::on a lighter note::
i'm gonna go see finch tonite at emo's. i know i'm not the emo type, but apperantly today i am. haha. finch is awesome. they're hard, loud, and they've got some good songs. sarah clancy invited me, and i figure it's something new. i need to hang out with more people from school and this is a good oportunity. sarah's whack. and it'll take my mind off drugs and this empty feeling. hopefully i'll have fun. i know i'll be standing in the back away from all those crazy emo|punkers. i hear these shows get packed and rowdy. if an emo kid tries to fuck with me i'm gonna break their stupid glasses, attempt to beat the shit out of them, and steal all of his or her buttons. liz taught me well!
i hope i have fun.
|
|
| MLK day |
[20 Jan 2003|10:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nirvana - in utero |
] |
this weekend was beyond fuck. i'm fuckin' tired. the bags under my eyes are insane. i had a great time.
i'm glad i'm home. now i can sleep for more than 6 hours. today was a chill day. lix, marixa, and i went to the over-priced hard rock cafe on 6th street and ate ourselves retarded. walked around. shopped. planet k has this beautiful mega bong. it's amazing. then we took off to zilker park. good times. we smoked liz's haze at our very own 'stoner's cove.' haha. it's this beautiful semi hidden part of the park. it's nice. today was a beautiful day. we went to the mall after that. that just dragged the shit out of me. i hate the fuckin' mall. this stupid bitch at the body shop thought we were stealing. fuck her and her nappy ass hair. get a brush! people are retarded.
i'm glad i'm home and clean. i wonder how mariza will feel this week. college sucks. i need a computer and a lay. perferably before the end of this month.
"she eyes me like a pisces when i am weak." - what the fuck does that mean? kurt's crazy...and dead.
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|
| don't tell them |
[19 Jan 2003|11:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
t.v. |
] |
this weekend has been going and going. long weekend.
friday nite:
robert picked me up. we left to austin. north austin. susie's. um...crazy nite. robert annoyed the hell out of everyone. special k? special dumb-ass. i dunno...i don't remeber anything that interesting about that nite. i really don't remeber much of that nite. i saw crystal, angela, elizabeth, and susieQ. that was interesting. k overload.
saturday:
woke up. took off to san antonio. san an? fuck. it smelled. but i like san antonio. liz and robert don't. maybe cuz we were with katy. blah. and it was snowing. i think we had close to a ball of snow. crazy shiznat. then we took off to austin, again. dammit.
sunday:
today. i dunno. i'm pretty much annoyed by everything. i guess cuz i haven't had my meal today. well, maybe i did...but i'm fucking hungry. we drove all around suburbia hell. it's so crazy how a mall of a thousand stores surrounds this neighborhood. i dunno...it wasn't that bad.
i finally came home to my dorm room this evening. but, now i'm in austin. what the fuck? at least i got to talk to my RA before i left. haha. i'm too gay. mariza, samantha, liz, and i are here chillin'|smokin'|talkin' in liz's dorm room. samantha just suggested that i get dreads. hmm...
i got my bigger plugs today! they're 4 gauges bigger, but they don't look any different. well, a little. but i'm glad i finally got 'em. i wanna go bigger bigger bigger!!!!!!!! big holes in my ear!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm hungry.
mariza's here!!!!
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|
silly
