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Thursday, May 2nd, 2002
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12:53 am - One Small Year
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I'd like to share a journal from a year ago, this moment. Today has been a hard day, and no one seems to understand. Maybe you will:
05/01/01 -
I'm here at Laureate, and you know what? They took my stinking journal. So, I'll have to go against my anal retentive self, and just write in here tonight. Today I realized how sick I both am and am not. I'm not exactly waltzing around attached to a feeding tube, but at the same time, I was ready to sign myself out so I could go and freaking binge and purge. I almost lost it, sitting there, watching the anorexic crew chow down. I was like, "Hook me up, baby"! I'll eat it - kinda. I miss Kathy, I miss Nancy, I miss my doctor, I miss Jenny, I miss Calla, I miss Michelle, I miss Ashley, I miss Matt, I miss "home" (per se). I'm lonely and dreadfully homesick, I want to binge, I want help, and I long for a kindred spirit here. I'm not sure I can do this anymore.
It makes me sad to know those were my thoughts - a moment of silence in the divine name of recovery.
current mood:  blank
current music: Michelle Branch - Goodbye to You
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| Saturday, March 16th, 2002
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2:48 am - My Body Is My Temple....
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GODDESS NIGHT Part Two:
Allow me to explain.
Some women are born with an abnormal looking crease in the stomach, located centrally within the belly button. Basically, it creates a fold which looks likes you are sitting, even when you are not. It creates a little buldge below and above the belly button. Do to the fact objects can be rested upon this crease, it has been given the name, "The Shelf". No matter how many crunches you do or how thin you get, it refuses to disappear. Therefore, one must come to a certain state of shelf acceptance.
For many years, I flew solo in my shelf-hood, hiding my double tummy from the world. Then I met Ashley - she also has a shelf. We banned together as the only two shelf sisters in the universe.
UNTIL: I met the Diva Goddesses. Yes! Five other souls who have the shelf that demand homage to be paid where it's due.
So, thus came Goddess night. No boys are allowed, only girls (but we can bother boys if we feel the urge). All girls are allowed to come, but only the shelf sisters are revered. The rules? Drink lots of tropical drinks and stuff your temple with as much food as humanly possible. We take incriminating pictures and feast on our divinity. So, after tonight's production of Hay Fever, I joined my sisters for our second Goddess night - and there will be many more to come.
Speaking of Hay Fever, tomorrow's closing night - WAAAAHHHHH! Well, at least I'll finally relearn how to sleep and maybe be an active participant in my education. I made cookies that spell out "Hay Fever" - I'm a regular old Betty Crocker.
I think I might have over done it on the Malibu....
I miss Nathan.
current mood:  drunk
current music: Someone Saved My Life Tonight - Elton John (I saw him in concert with Billy! Ultra INCREDIBLE!)
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| Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
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1:04 pm - I Know, I need To Get a Life....
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| You are Miss Piggy!
You're something of a diva, but that's only because it would be a crime to let your looks and talent go to waste. Vous ?tes magnifique! | |
current mood:  blah
current music: Palestrina's Cicut Cervus
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1:42 am - Ahem.....
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Which Angelina Are You?
And walked upon the edge of no escape
And laughed I've lost control
She's lost control again,
She's lost control...
And she screamed out kicking on her side she said,
I've lost control again,
She's lost control again.
current mood:  crazy
current music: Outfield (80's baby, yeah...)
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12:38 am - It's Been Light Years!!!!
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Wow - MY LIFE HAS SWALLOWED ME WHOLE!!! I wish I knew where to start in terms of updating, but I think the best tactic is just to start from where I am at this very hairy moment.
This coming weekend marks the closing weekend of Noel Coward's "Hay Fever" in which I play "svelte sexpot" Myra Arundel. It's been a lot of work, but heaps of fun and worth every moment. It's reaked much havoc on my eating habits, but in the end, I pulled out on top finding my life too enjoyable to succumb to the incessant nagging of my disordered thoughts.
Now that I've had my Miss Mary Sunshine moment, it's time to bitch like I so eloquently do. I'm doing full time school, taking heaps of classes I thoroughly despise, and the work pressure was enough to make me have three public tear laden breakdowns in the course of one week. I'm officially cuckoo to all attending WCSU.
And then there's the whole boy issue. I was told I liked"Sponge Bob" (who actually has a really name, which is Nathan) because I was bored and looking for a challenge. I bought that until I took a step back from my situation and realized that six months later, I'm still head over heels infatuated. Um, yeah. Annoying much? I had a boyfriend for like, a month, hoping it would distract me, but in truth it only made me totally miserable - it made me feel like a hunk of processed meat.
So, here I am - a regular boring ole' Bridget Jones, complaining about what is, and pining over what isn't. I'm now officially ready for the movie fairy-tale ending, please.
Yours In Succulence,
Lady
Didn't want to leave you with the wrong impression
Didn't want to leave you with my last confession
Of love
Wasn't trying to pull you in the wrong direction
All I want to do is try to make a connection
Of love
current mood:  crushed
current music: The kickass new Natalie Imbruglia CD
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| Tuesday, November 6th, 2001
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11:47 pm - I'm Bored - Suck It Up
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The top five professions appropriate for me, as told by selectsmart.com:
# 1 Artist
# 2 Chef
# 3 Movie Star
# 4 Park Ranger
# 5 Rock Star
Not too many surprises there! Oh, and according to belief-net, I am:
1. Reform Judaism (100%)
2. Liberal Quaker (97%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (97%)
4. Neo-Paganism (96%)
5. New Age (91%)
6. Liberal Protestant (82%)
7. Bah' (77%)
8. Mahayana Buddhism (74%)
9. Orthodox Judaism (73%)
10. Sikhism (73%)
11. New Thought (68%)
12. Islam (64%)
13. Jainism (62%)
14. Orthodox Quaker (61%)
15. Theravada Buddhism (61%)
16. Secular Humanism (59%)
17. Scientology (54%)
18. Hinduism (53%)
19. Taoism (46%)
20. Christian Science (43%)
21. Conservative Protestant (41%)
22. Latter-day Saint (Mormon) (37%)
23. Seventh Day Adventist (37%)
24. Atheism and Agnosticism (34%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (29%)
26. Roman Catholic (29%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (25%)
Little Catholic girl goes Jewish - wouldn't Daddy love that one! I found it quite interesting. Lastly, where does Christie place on the Bitch-O-Meter according to TheSpark.com?
I am certifiably 50% bitch, which is higher than the worldwide average 38%
1% of others are the same as me, 17% are more bitchy, and 82% are less bitchy
OUCH - I never thought I was THAT bad....
Lady S. *who is rethinking her collection of dark lipsticks*
current mood: bored
current music: Stevie Nicks - Sorceror (sp?)
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11:07 pm - You Crush Me With The Things You Do
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Ok, so here is my ever so fascinating life, as it currently stands:
I'm so behind in my classes that my beautiful wonderful professors decided to take it upon themselves to automatically withdrawal me from their classes. How kind, right? So glad I've been trying like a fiend to catch up. So, lucky for me, I get credits for being in shows, even though I'm technically not allowed to do the shows as a non-student. I'm half way through my run of Anything Goes, so I just need to keep my student status on the DL at least until the end of the run. After all, without "Hope", anything CAN'T go.....tee hee hee
I realize that I'm taking this matter lightly, but allow me to share what my shrinky dink said to me, which made me feel heaps better. He noted how huge it was for me to attempt the classroom situation in the first place, and now I know what to expect, and what challenges are appropriate to put myself up for. The parents will never have to know, and that is the best part. I'm going to take a 3 credit course over the intercession, and I'll get 3 credits for my performances, so I'll walk away with the 6 credits I came in hoping for.
Yes, if you did the math, you might have some questions. I get one credit for Anything Goes and I just got into TWO more shows (which equals two more credits) YIPPEE! I am in the ensemble of a holiday children's musical called the S. S. Holiday, and got the part of Anne in a one act drama called Que Sera Sera, which is to be performed at a one act festival (and in NYC if it does well enough). I'm totally psyched, and getting these roles made me really want to work harder for my degree so that I can do this more often.
To assume that Sponge Bob Fantastic Pants hasn't been on the mind would be false, I'm just trying not to think of what's not to be. He's so excited about his girlfriend coming home, and who am I to change that. Everyone always says what a pompous bitch his girlfriend is, and I just can't understand why he'd be with her if that were the truth. He seems to really love her, and if I really cared about him in the way I do, I'd want him to be as happy as possible, and that's why mission break-up has ceased. What's meant to happen will happen. At least I know that there are decent guys out there and that I do have it in me to care about a guy that way - two things I've often wondered. I just can't let go of the fact that I've never met someone like him before - who is everything I'd want in a guy and more - he just seems so perfect (maybe too perfect). Thinking about this just gets me too worked up, so let's move on to another topic while we wait for the sleeping drugs to kick in (yes, this actually keeps me up at night).
I've had three other guys profess their love for me, one more so than the others, and I'm just so not interested. Not only am I not attracted to them, but I'm too knee deep in my own infatuation to even ponder anyone else. Well, the one guy, afore mentioned to have a yearning a wee bit stronger than the others, is just as smitten with me as I am with Sponge Bob (where DID I come up with that!). I innocently wandered onto his live journal to discover how deep his crush runs - it's in the blood stream, like mine. He e-mails me a lot, and always says nice things, so when he asked to meet for coffee I agreed. I felt I owed it to him to tell him that I was too into someone else to consider a relationship. That I understood how he felt about me because I felt that way for someone else, and I understood how much it hurts when you know it can't happen - at least not then. We had a nice chat, and I think he's going to be a great friend - he totally knew who MY Mr. Fantastic was! I didn't think it was that obvious, but he agrees that our flirting is definitely mutual.
So, have I bored you to tears? All of this is so new to me, so you'll have to indulge my rambling of the mouth as I try to rectify my diarrhea of the heart. I'm basically in high spirits today, despite the fact my car decided to BLOW UP AGAIN! Maybe I just have more hope...geez that word's been in my life a lot lately. Oh! Oh! Before I go! Allow me to share the review I got for Anything Goes in The CT News-Times:
".....Mr. Fantastic plays Billy Crocker; an outsider in the Oyster Bay society, where his true love, Hope Harcourt (Lady Christie Succulence) lives...He has his best lyrical moments in the "All Through The Night" duet with Lady Succulence. Lady Succulence's Hope seems but a caricature in the early scenes, but once she's given a song, her sure soprano and vivaciousness reshape her character into a most attractive love foil. (DID YOU READ THAT SPONGY!) A pretty actress, her period hairstyle makes her look older than she should, but that's almost remedied by her classy look in a shimmering white gown in the second act...."
Anyway, I was pleased with it, as he's usually a relentlessly nasty reviewer. Ok, tis' all for me for now. Thanks for partaking in my daily dramatics ;)
Lady MUI Succulente
"I'm waiting.
I wanted to stay, I wanted to play, I wanted to love you...
Why won't you run into rain and play and let tears splash all over you." DMB
current mood:  aggravated
current music: DMB - Crush
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| Sunday, November 4th, 2001
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4:48 pm - I Want You To Want Me...
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OUCH
My heart is breaking, and it's a situation I have gotten my own self into.
Having this crush used to be fun and exhilarating, but now it just hurts. It hurts because I like him more every day, and we get closer every day, yet at the same time, because he has a girlfriend, every minute we grow closer, we are really growing farther apart. How can I love someone I barely know? How can I be so convinced that we'd be perfect when he has someone else in mind? Why do I always WANT WHAT I CAN'T HAVE, and why do I continue down this same path despite the voices both internal and external that tell me I'm only going to end up getting hurt.
I just wish I knew what he thinks, because it would make me feel so much more sane. This is not a ONE way infatuation - chemistry doesn't work that way, and chemistry is definitely what's at work here. I'm in so freaking deep, and I just don't know what to do. The most interesting day of all will be when I meet the girlfriend in two weeks...
Inside Out
You now live under my skin and behind my eyes
You dominate my thoughts and are the words I speak
Why, when I open my eyes, are you the only thing I see
The way you've taken over me is rendering me so weak
Touch my fingertips and tell me that you feel it too
Do you feel this?
Trace my back with your eyes and watch my every move
Is this bliss?
I want to run in the rain with you and turn time inside out
I want to dance, paint, fly, run with you, so that I won't have to doubt
That you know how you feel and it's a feeling you like
Touch me with your voice and I'll be drawn by the night
It burns me to the marrow, how much I need your thoughts
Can you feel this?
Drink me in, but please don't spill a drop
We can't miss
You are everything I cannot have and the only thing I want
I'm driving myself to another dead end
I just want to turn you inside out and read how you feel about me
I'm a warning only you can send
Lady Lovelorn
" I know I'll miss (him) later
Wish I could bend my love to hate (him)
Wish I could be (his) creator
To twist (his) arms now...
To be the light in (his) eyes...
(He) stares up at the stars when
The stars fell from (his) hair then
I bent down to collect them
And then (he) was gone
Oh I sleep just to dream (him)
I beg the night just to see (him)
That my only love should be (him)
Just to lie in (his) arms
Oh I came there to find out
Find out (he) made up (his) mind ohhhh
My arms are all tied up
To me (he) was blind
Mmmm this space between us
Where wingless dreams fall earless
Will you not bear me witness
With your back to me now
It seems so unnerving
Yet still somehow deserving
That (he) could hold my heart so tightly
And still not see me here
current mood: crushed
current music: Destiny's Child - Emotions
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| Monday, October 29th, 2001
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12:52 am
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I've always said that how clean I am is representative of how things are going in my life. i.e. - when my room's a mess, so am I. Well, my car and apartment are both disasters - and I am too, but in a divinely normal way that would be right out of an Ashley Judd movie.
The show opens on Thursday, and I'm so freaking excited, except for a few minor details. First of all, I'm not performing up to par yet, I'm light years behind in my classes, and I am officially head over heels for a guy who is thoroughly committed to someone else and seemingly leading me on at the same time. I've had three guys profess their love for me since the beginning of the show, all of which are not AT ALL my type and kinda skeevy - should I take this as a hint? I was discussing this very matter w/ Mr. Fantastic himself tonight, and he jokingly said that I need a guy like him! Ha! I flirtatiously agreed, and then that ever present sexual tension paid us another visit.
Why do I always want what I can't have? My friends think I'm setting myself up to be hurt - that it's inevitable if I keep on this way - but how can I control my feelings? Why can't I like a guy who is good looking (at least to me), single, decent, and not off a movie screen? I feel like there's something about me someone's not saying, like I have a permanent green chunk between my teeth or I laugh like an ogre. Maybe I'm just trying to hard. Either way, two (or is it six?) years without a single relationship is starting to get to me and I'm starting to wonder...
I guess vacationing in hospitals isn't the biggest turn on, huh. Maybe, now that my behaviors are sans eating disorder, I'm starting to see why the only love affair I've had for all to long is one with food. Dammit.
Anyway, I'm truly fine and contented right now with how smoothly things are going (in a relative manner) and happy to be the healthiest I've been in awhile. I'm just not satisfied (surprise, surprise). I wonder if I'll ever reflect on my day and not feel like there is something deep within the pit of my stomach missing. Maybe that's what happens when you're a spoiled brat - you always want more.
Craving Swedish Fish,
Lady Succulence
"All the while I want something more
I want something more
I want something more than this"
current mood: lonely
current music: Train - Something More
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| Saturday, October 13th, 2001
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3:19 am - Where The Wind Goes Riding Down The Lane...
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Complication is really so much fun!! Really! I mean, think how dull life would be if there were no twists! So, allow me to start with the positive twist before I upset the studio audience with my less than positive revelations...
Basically, all is well on the boy front. For anonymity's sake (cuz' ya just can never REALLY know) let's refer to the lad of my infatuation as, um, Sponge Bob! Whatever, go with it. Basically, in just the last two days, Mr. IHaveAGirlFriendWho'sABitchyShrew has completely turned his attentions toward me, and I am continuing my hard to get approach, reminding him that he still has a (two ton) ball attached to his chain. The way we danced and talked today would have truly thrown someone unknowing for a loop on our relationship status. Now maybe we were both a little too into character, but his handy was definitely on my hiney ;).
Okay, now the bad tweek. I feel like I need to write it down so that it's more real to me. This realization came to me two nights ago when I got pulled over by yet another one of my Connecticut's finest. Don't they have some terrorists to find? It took me awhile to realize what I had done wrong. WARNING: this may seem humorous and beyond bizarre at first. I had purchased some gummy candy to ease a craving for sugar, but was panicking about the unnecessary calories (LOO-ser). I proceeded to chew the candies and then spit them out the window prior to swallowing to avoid calorie consumption. Mr. Kindly Officer informed me that he had been watching me "litter" down the road for the last 5 miles, and was wondering what I was chucking out the window. OH boy. OH OH boy.
Basically, who do I think I'm kidding?! If I don't get my butt in gear, the only place I'll be dancing is back to Oklahoma. My weight is on it's way down and I go to class about as frequently as an elephant takes a sponge bath. Why do I constantly need to ruin things for myself? Life could be so amazing for me right now, but all I can think about is that I can't go running with my bronchitis. LAME Christie, LAME! Get a REAL life please.
Aside from the bronchitis (which I jokingly referred to as Anthrax today - I DON'T recommend that), I feel physically fine, so I can't help but wonder if I'm over reacting. Ugh, really annoying. I don't feel thin, but then again Einstein, do you ever? Well, One thing I DO do is have third person conversations with myself. Do you now? Yes I do, see I'm doing it right now? You are? Yes, and I'm scaring the innocent civilians.....cuckoo, cuckoo....
Now, in closure, radio 99.8, WCHRIS would like to send out this next song to Mr. Spongy himself:
Something To Sleep To - MICHELLE BRANCH
She's his yellow brick road
Leading him on and letting him go as far as she lets him go
Going down to nowhere
She puts on her make-up
The same way she did yesterday hoping everything's the same
But everything has changed
In my mind, everything we did was right
Open your eyes, I'll still be by your side
How could I ever have been so blind?
You give me something to sleep to at night
He wakes up to the sound
So scared that she's leaving
He wishes she were still asleep next to him
Hoping she will change
You give me something to sleep to
And all I know is you give me something to dream to when I'm all alone and blue
Don't leave me now
In Succulence,
Lady
current mood:  confused
current music: Fiona Apple
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| Thursday, October 11th, 2001
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1:31 am - It's A Bittersweet Symphony
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Woah Nelly - Ok.
I just re-read my last entry(ies) and couldn't help but enjoy the melodrama typical of my looney tooney brain. Geez, if I were reading my journal as just someone passing through the entries, my first thought might be something along the lines of the following:
Chris - get a grip, kay'?
Oh well, it's all good - at least I write in the prettiest of lavender hues.
So, basically (surprisingly), life is going well. I had a splendorific time at the wedding, but walked away with a brutal case of strep throat AND bronchitis which left me completely out of commission for like 72 hours. When I could finally participate in rehearsal again, my bronchial infected, phlegm infested singing voice resembled something like a rare crossbreed between Fran Drescher and a sea lion - and still did today when I attempted to sing (or honk) along with the pit orchestra. Oh well, I'm thinking by Monday, my chords should be back to good.
In the lovin' department, I'm still running dry. I had a most interesting convo. today w/ my director where he suggested that many a male cast member are interested, but they all thought I had a boyfriend because I "build this wall around myself". BAH! So, my director instantly assumes that I've been sexually assaulted or burned by love in my past, which is probably the one vice I haven't (thank my lucky stars) experienced. Well, maybe I'm just a natural in the "hard to get" department, I don't know - but if only they knew how easy it really was (but NOT as easy as it was in high school, thank you very much!). I have these intimacy, trust and touch issues which I'm sure play a significant role in the distance I keep, but shouldn't my ready and willingness help to close that gap? Hmmm.....doesn't matter much, as I'm not letting myself worry about it....
MUST worry about actually attending class being that I am a student (if anyone wants to remind me of that ever so often, I'd be thrilled....) In that light, maybe I should attempt sleep, as it is 1:29 am, Eastern Standard Time.
LadyInRed
"Why don't you run into rain and play, and let tears splash all over you..."
current mood:  complacent
current music: DMB at Luther - # 41 (Ash R. would be so proud)
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| Sunday, October 7th, 2001
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12:20 am - Bronchitis + Excess Body Fat = Insomnia
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*WALLET: Black Kate Spade w/ red checked interior
*HAIR-BRUSH: Clear w/ dried flowers inside
*TOOTHBRUSH: Barbie :)
*JEWELRY WORN DAILY: I wear different jewelry everyday, but religiously a topaz/silver ring on my left index finger. I panic w/ out it!
*SOCKS: They confine my poor toes - It's always sandal weather!
*PILLOW COVER: I have a million different ones! Right now it's blue butterflies I think
*BLANKET: Keith Haring designs all over
*COFFEE CUP: Keith Haring, yet again
*SUNGLASSES: Everyone calls them "movie star glasses" - they're just black and from J-Crew.
*UNDERWEAR: Vicky's or Gap
*SHOES: Sandals at all times, or anything completely rare and different
*NAIL POLISH: Right now, ballet slippers for the wedding tom.
*HANDBAG: I collect them...
*KEYCHAIN: A super pretty crystal
*COMPUTER: IBM something or other
*FAVORITE TOP: A vintage button down sweater that's tan and hand knit with the prettiest design. I gnaw on the sleeves because they're too long
*FAVORITE PANTS:Prefer skirts
*SOAP: I use liquid soap and a loofah
*PERFUME: Amarige or Happy
*CD IN THE STEREO RIGHT NOW: Jonatha Brooke
*CAR: The Taurus of Love
*IN THE FRIDGE: Spring water, Fruit 2o, carrots, lettuce, FF dressing, mustard, jelly, tomato basil tortilla's and diet mountain Dew (Nobody tell Heidi, she'll freak!)
*TELEVISION: Forgot I had one
Song That Suits The Moment
*SCRATCH*
By Kendall Payne
It's a big girl world now
Full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I was small
But I am counting on laughing.
But He keeps giving me His word.
And I am tired of hearing myself speak
Do you get weary?
Do you ever get weak?
How do you dream when you can't fall asleep?
Cause I've been wondering what you're thinking,
And if you liked my dress tonight.
Would you still say that you loved me,
Under this ordinary moonlight?
I'm so afraid
Of what you'll say
Oh God, I'd like to know if you'd be open
To start it over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance
I used to think that I was special,
And only I have proved me wrong.
I thought I could change the world with a song,
But I have ended up with no map to guide me home.
The strangest place I think I've ever been.
And all this time I thought that we were friends.
My stubborn will is learning to bend.
Dear God, I'd like to know if you'd be open
To start it over from scratch
I'd like to know if you'd be open
To giving me a second chance
It's a big girl world now, full of big girl things
And everyday I wish I were small
Not the most uplifting words, no, but the kind that speak right to you. Every once in awhile life can seem like too much, and we can just want to start over from scratch. The waves won't stop and you can't catch your breath and you let out this heartfelt plea that says, "Can I just please start over, this is just not how life was supposed to be." That's what this song is about.
current mood: uncomfortable
current music: Leonard Bernstein, Candide - Make Our Garden Grow
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| Saturday, October 6th, 2001
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11:44 pm - A Horse Is A Horse of Course....The Famous Mr. ED
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ALERT! ALERT! Captain ED has infiltrated my brain! Allow me to elaborate...
Thursday night at rehearsal I passed out. I was off stage and crumbled to the floor in the most ungraceful way possible. When I came to, saw the cast surrounding me and realized what had happened, I just bawled. They picked me up, put me in a chair, got me water while I just shut my eyes and tried to disappear. To make a long story short, the director is on to me, and ordered one of the guys to take me out for a bowl of soup after rehearsal. I REALLY thought that I had been eating enough. I no longer know my weight, so I just assumed all was stable - apparently not.
So, this weekend, I decided to pump up the volume (calorically), and I couldn't have picked a worse weekend for this. Friday I woke up with the worst hacking cough and sore throat which has only gotten progressively worse (I'm thinking bronchitis), making it hard to eat appropriately, but I did it anyway - probably over 2000 cal (AHHH). Well, today, I basically binged the day away (at least it feels like that) and my head keeps singing the verse, 'You sad, sick COW, You sad, sick COW...". I had pancakes and a bagel with cream cheese, for the love of Jeebus! What was I thinking? That I could be cured over night?! Today was probably a 4000 cal. day. It was sooo hard not to purge, but I guess we consider the bronchitis a Godsend in that light. I don't need to start the vicious cycle again. The icing on my ED cake (which I guess would be angel food) is that I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding tomorrow in which I have to wear a dress that I got fitted for the week before I went to the hospital. It's not my size anymore, and I'm TERRIFIED to try it on, but I have to somehow stretch and peel it over myself tomorrow.
How could I do this? Why does it matter? Why can't I just be satisfied? Why is it that whenever I return to my home of origin I get so self destructive? At my apartment I do so much better than back here at the socialite capital of the world where life is painted facades of nail polish and M.A.C. makeup. And now I feel like a distended cow who isn't worth anything.
So, in summery, Mr. ED, if you're listening, will you PLEASE leave me the hell alone and let me actually enjoy my life for once! While things are functional and normal, keep your two cents to yourself! Oh, and try not to let my size 6 self look too ridiculous in that dress tomorrow?
Lady Lard
"What is this that holds me captive in your arms?
I wish I had the strength to leave it all behind..."
current mood:  dirty
current music: Sarah Mclachlan on shuffle
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| Tuesday, October 2nd, 2001
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10:49 pm - SEQUAL To The Day From HELL!!
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Last night, after signing off the internet, I realized that I hadn't eaten anything amidst all of the excitement, so I headed out to the 24 hour grocery. On my return trip home, I notice the ever popular red and blue flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I pull over, and apparently, I hadn't stopped completely at a stop sign. I once again just burst into tears, at this point convinced that I wear a sign, begging to be given a hard time. The officer kindly took notice of my fragile mental state, and blessed me with only a warning. He did, however, make me get out of the car, to make sure that I had not been drinking, and after being sure that I wasn't drunk, followed me home to make sure I got there okay.
I got to bed relatively late, and managed to sleep right through my alarm, and consequently both my classes. I had an afternoon doctors appointment a half an hour away, so started out early, since I had extra time. Well, upon my drive out, lights started to blink within my car, and the stereo started going on and off. When I was within five minutes of the doctors office, my brakes give out, the car starts smoking and makes a huge "Boom!", before completely exploding and dying. This car is only four years old, but manages to act like it's eighty. I get my cell phone to start working, and I call triple A, cancel my appointment, and get a ride back to college and play rehearsal. Once we start rehearsing, I get this awful dizzy spell, and before I know it, pass out on the floor of the chorus room. Overwhelmed with life, I realize that I have yet to eat, and the heat went right to my head.
Tomorrow was my last voice lesson with my coach before he goes on tour, and I had to cancel because I have no car, and I felt like a high school freshmen again, begging around play practice for one of the upper classmen to drive me home.
I'm CONVINCED that it must be the full moon. Tomorrow is destined to be better for me, no?
current mood:  indescribable
current music: Phish & Sarah McLachlan - Sad Lisa
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| Monday, October 1st, 2001
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11:44 pm - It's Like Rain...
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After driving around all day in a car that smells like it's on fire and about to explode, I get to play rehearsal, only to once again act like the ass I am and get yelled at. Upon returning to my apartment, I discover that the key to my mailbox and apartment are both missing. They literally had to have gotten up and walked away - they just WEREN'T THERE. So, on my way back to the theatre to try to find my keys, I decided to call my parents via cell phone, causing me to take my eyes off the road for a mili-second and slam myself into the silver Audi A4 in front of me. The screaming banchi driving the car flies out of the drivers seat, and right up to my window, calling me a f*ing idiot, a moron with no sense, stupid, drunk teenager, etc. I just slouch in my seat and burst into tears, trying to pretend that this isn't happening, my car doesn't smell like a camp site, and the guy I like doesn't have a girlfriend. Mr. Hoity Toity Audi Pants calls the police, and when I get out of my car to talk to the officer, I don't even see a tiny bit of damage to either car. So, here I am, back in my apartment after my dad drove down with a spare key, trying to stop the negative, self deprecating thoughts from infiltrating my brain. I just wanted to tell the Audi Man, "Ok, so I hit your car, but two weeks ago the twin towers fell, so get a freaking grip." It could always be worse, right?
current mood: depressed
current music: Natalie Merchant - Don't Cry
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| Sunday, September 30th, 2001
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11:07 pm - Mocha Choco-lata Yah Yah
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Bah -
Bah, bah, bah, bah. And that's all I have to say about that. THAT being that he has a GIRLFRIEND. A FREAKING girlfriend! What is that all about, huh? He was totally making me think otherwise, and now I have to conjure up the enemy, oops, I mean energy (Freudian slip much?) to concoct a plan that will eliminate the other girl in this picture. Apparently she's out of town (how convenient for pretending that she's non existent). I have yet to give up complete hope, however (note the play on words, being that "Hope" is my character's name in the play where I met Mr. IAlreadyHaveAGirlfriend) being that he has totally led me to believe that he is into me too until this point. HE wasn't even the one to spill that beans that there was a SHE.
So, what has been Captain Christie's response to this? After the initial heartbreaking, if you will, things got relatively positive. First of all, it's just so thrilling to have a normal person's problem!! Nothing wacky or weird, but something that 99% of the population experiences in their lifetimes! It actually makes me smile (the moment when it's no longer normal, I suppose). I also have just decided to make my resolve stronger, rather than give in and give up. It's time for Operation Irresistible - in other words, make him weak in the knees at every moment possible. Ironically, in the play we are in, my character is engaged to some stuffy dude, and his character is madly in love with me, so he does everything to break up the wedding, and ultimately does. Hey! It could definitely happen...
Happily Ever After,
LadySucculence (Who longs to climb up chocolate mountains and swim in lakes of ice cream)
current mood: disappointed
current music: Enya - Miss Clare Remebers
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| Saturday, September 29th, 2001
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1:43 am - Here Comes The Bride...
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If we could all take this moment to knock on wood, I would greatly appreciate it, as everything in my current life is hideously normal. NOTHING is being dysfunctional, and that's beyond irritating. I just don't know what to do with myself! Basically, I've opted to do nothing at all. I'd rather just live in each foggy moment than obsess about when things are "destined" to go awry again, setting my self up for sheer sabotage. My favorite Christie quote of the day? "Sure, I'll have some nachos!!!"
So, next weekend, I am the flower girl in my dear friend, Dominique's wedding. I am expected to bring a date with me to both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, so I was contemplating asking Mr. Wonderful himself. I know it might seem a bit forward, but the truth be known, I don't even KNOW of any other guys in the area, and it would be a great opportunity to spend time together. HOWEVER, on the more realistic end of the spectrum, it IS a wedding which is quite a forward invite for someone you barely know. The feeling I get from him is that he's just as interested in me as I in him, but is he interested enough to drive to "East Bumble" to go to a wedding of someone he doesn't know WITH someone he barely knows? Oh! I just LOVE have normal, simple troubles! It's just so fun!!
Tomorrow I go into NYC for the first time since the tragedy to support my poor suffering B-Way theatres. I admit that I'm nervous, but I miss it so much and the city just makes me so happy - gotta love the skanky smell of Times Square, yum! I won't really be much near "ground zero" as it's called, but it's still a bit nerve racking for some reason.
Okay, ramble city. I'd better get my much needed beauty sleep.
XOXO,
LadyAndTheTramp
current mood:  quixotic
current music: Tara MacLean - Jordan
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| Wednesday, September 26th, 2001
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12:33 am - So, What AM I so Afraid Of?
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It's official - ready? You really might need to yet again prepare yourself, as what you're about to hear will be surprisingly NORMAL and nothing that requires an "diag-nonsense" or a shrink to analyze - tee hee hee. In the divine tradition of middle school and every Mandy Moore song, I have a CRUSH on somebody. Like, head over heels infatuation!! I can deny it no longer now that it has poured over me like a ton of bricks...
I'm sorry if that was thoroughly disappointing, but let's be realistic here for a blooming moment. I haven't felt like this since dinosaurs ruled the Earth due to my constant numb state. Granted, I felt lust, and even attraction in the last couple of years, but nothing like this. You know, the kind of infatuation where you wake up the little extra bit early to look that much better because you know you'll see him. Where you toss and turn for the endurance of the night, just thinking of the possibility of having him be yours. Where it's not his good looks that grab you, but him in general - everything about him. Where you know he feels it too, and all all you want to do is shake him and say, "Don't you FEEL THIS?".
Awww - I know, you're probably ready to gag, but what can I say?! I'm in deep - and I'm not complaining.
Send me all of your positive "Cupid Vibes",
LadyInLove
"I'm sleeping and right in the middle of a good dream,
Like all at once, I wake up from something that keeps knocking at my brain
Before I go insane I hold my pillow to my head
And spring up in my bed screaming out the words I dread,
I Think I Love you
This morning I woke up with this feeling I didn't know how to deal with
And so I just decided to myself I'd hide it to myself
And never talk about it and didn't I go and shout it when you walked into the room
I Think I Love You
I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for.
I think I love you - isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say that I never felt this way
I don't know what I'm up against
I don't know what it's all about
I've got so much to think about
Believe me, you really don't have to worry
I only wanna make you happy and if you say, hey go away, I will
But I think better still I'd better stay around and love you
Do you think I have a case? Let me ask you to your face
Do you think you love me?
I Think I Love You
current mood: giddy
current music: Live - Overcome
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| Sunday, September 23rd, 2001
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2:19 am - "Holy Water In My Lungs..."
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Ready? No I mean it! Brace yourself!! I'm in a GOOD mood! I know, what has the world come to?! Basically, experiencing the recent tragedy allowed me to truly count my blessings and put all of my misgivings temporarily on the back burner. You know what? I kind of like it!
I got a lead in my college's production of "Anything Goes", so that psyched my brains out, not to mention that I'm playing opposite of a total cutie :). I feel like I'm 12 again, with a crush on a boy and I LOVE it. The whole, tingles in the stomach thing.....YAY! Alright, I'll spare the nausea....
So, I'm in my new (awesome) apartment, going to classes (REALLY going too!), and being an active participant in the human race. Not much more to report today, but as life unravels from here, I will be sure to report.
Love, Light & Lipstick,
Lady
current mood: ditzy
current music: Jewel - Have a Little Faith in Me
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| Friday, September 7th, 2001
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1:42 am - I Am Not the Mistress Of Darkness
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No one reads my journal. Now, now now, that's a big lie - HollyFaery reads my journal! Well, maybe other's read, but Holly remains the sole poster. Eh, oh well. I find this thoroughly amusing for myself, so what else matters, no? My primary journal has taken a back seat since the conception of this puppy, so I'd better make it worth my while.
So, Christie = Apartment Girl. Yup! As of this Sunday, Calla (my beloved feline) and I will be residing in our new abode. Should be mui interesante. I'm so excited, but I'm also terrified that I'll fail. I want so badly to prove to everyone how capable and independent I am, but my head never fails to cut me down at my highest moments. I started classes (and actually WENT!), and things seem to be falling into place, but still, every morning w/ out fail, I wake up, take one look at myself, and in the words of Joyce Carol Oates, say to myself "You sad, sick, cow.". Honestly, no one deprecates me as much as I cut my own self down, but when you have such firm believes as to what you're deserving of and who you are, it's hard to make you believe otherwise. Here, in so many words, is how Jewel says it:
"Barcelona, where the winds all blew
The churches don't have windows, but the graveyards do
Me and my shadow are wrestling again
Look out stranger, there's a dark cloud moving in
But if you could hear the voice in my heart it would tell you
I'm afraid I am alone
Won't somebody please hold me, release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me loose
Let me fly
Super paranoid, I'm blending, I'm blurring, I'm bleeding into the scenery
Loving someone else is so much easier
But I hold myself hostage in the mirror
But if you could hear the voice in my heart it would tell you
I'm tired of feeling this way
God, won't you please hold me, release me
Show me the meaning of mercy
Let me loose
Let me fly"
Voila. The end. Period. And the saga continues...
SenoritaSucculente
current mood:  anxious
current music: Tara MacLean - Child
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