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mmmm nipples [17 Oct 2001|02:17am] [ mood | pleased ] [ music | Ben Harper - Walk Away ] Tomarrow i have to get up, go to work. It's not bothering me too much i guess. I kind of want to go back to school,but really,i have forgot alot of stuff, i dont know. I have a cold, i'm picking up everything going around. I dont understand why, i was never sick before. This may seem extreme i guess mabye it is, i'm going to go to the doctor and see if theres somethign wrong with me, i'm going to be tested for the hiv virus. Ok yes i know it was a dream meghan but still. I dreamed i got a blood test and the doctor told me i was hiv postive and left the room. It was odd. I wokeup and it took me about 10 minutes to realize i wasnt. But it was a sudden calm feeling when i woke up. Like all the pain in my life didn't exist. I know im weird. So im going to get an aids test, it would explain the constant being sick. I dont know,i can think of 1 person who is slutty enough to give it to me. I wont mention his name. Last weekend was my birthday weekend, i guess it was ok. I got to meet my dads new live in woman. Shesvery nice, we got along great. Shes very real. So i like her. She has a daughter named sheena. When i first met her,she was very shy,i guess she kinda got a little better after i made a fool of myself. She loves me :) post comment

I wish it was me in John's shoes [02 Oct 2001|10:49pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Nine Inch Nails - Something I can never have ] ok im really sick of my job. Huge companies are such bullshit, they seriously dont care about their employees. I have more vacation before the end of the year and they keep denying my requests saying its already fully booked off,well im seriously getting pissed off. So now im just taking random days here and there so i can use it up cause i cant carry it on till next year. ARG i really want to get away from here, for good, i know i always say that but im too fucked scared to go anywehre alone and nobody wants to leave with me. I dont want to go too far, i dont know just somewhere different. I guess i need to go back to school but theres nothing im interested in at all. Sometimes well most of the time i just wish i was never born, life just seems like a never ending cycle of disapointment. All i want to do is go to sleep and never wake up ahhh fuck this is dumb im out post comment

I'm sick :( [29 Sep 2001|03:13am] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Radiohead - Yes I Am ] Well i feel like shit, i am seriously picking up everything going around which is ok by me i guess cause its not like i feel like leaving bed at all lately. John just doesnt have 1 tumor he had a whole bunch,and they are covering his lungs among other things. So ya thats it, johns dying. how fucking weird and upseting is that. I see people i know die all the time, lots of friends but it was their own damn fault most of the time,and well as nasty as it is to say,they werent as special as john is. I found myself crying over this alot. I dont usuaally cry. But this is john, john i grew up with always around, going to johns camp, jonhs this and johns that i dont know its really gettign to me and knowing hes in alot of pain is really worse. I guess i kind of agree with the dutch, multiple doctors check ya out and if they all say ya this dudes dying well they gfive ya a shot and thats it,your done. No pain. No suffereing. But we arent the dutch, were fucking canadians and what gives the law the right to tell someone you have to suffer? ARG im out! post comment

[25 Sep 2001|11:47pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | Chris Isaac - Wicked Game ] Well i should update this more but i say that everytime. I've been kind of busy and nothing isreally going on with me so i really have nothing to write. Since jess has been gone i've felt kinda empty,i really miss him more then anyone knows. It seems like i am becoming what i was like before. I sleep for a good 12 hours a night and i still have trouble getting up in the morning. Nothing really seems important to me anymore. I feel like with everyone dying and whatnot i feel like i dont know,its just pointless to care about someone cause eventually they will be gone and i will be hurt and im always hirt from something. I guess thats life and it happens to everyone but its really bugging me lately. Umm well john, like my dads best friend,my second dad is in the hospital again. He was out west working and blabla he hurt himself and he came home. He went to the doctor they did scans to see if he pulled muscles and they found tumours. One along his spine and one on his lung. I'm really scared cause i love john to death and i know it would hurt my dad so much if anything happened to him. Speaking of my dad, hes got a woman and shes moving in with him this weekend,and for anyone who knows my dad,thats crazy news. I hope it works out for him cause i know hes not happy. OUT post comment

ok way too lazy lately [19 Sep 2001|11:18pm] [ mood | I hurt ] [ music | AFI - Malleus Maleficarum ] i havent wrote in ages. I'm not sure why. I'm not really on my computer much. Well last weekend i went to halifax. It was a pretty good time. I went to snow jam. I didnt really like any of the bands but the atmosphere was excellent. My face is so sunburnt. IT was sunny all weekend and my lips are burnt the most. And now i have cold sores. Im so embarassed i dont even want to go out in public. I seriously hate work,im so bored all the time there. I need to do something different. I want to go somewhere different. Insa is moving to ottawa next week. It sucks,i kept blowing him off and now hes leaving, i promised id see him lots before he left but i dunno. Ill see him once for sure. WEll i dont know what to write but i will wrote more! oh yes! post comment

[07 Sep 2001|12:23am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts ] Well im back from ontario. I came home sunday. Some bad stuff has happened and i dont really feel like writing. So i'll just put a poem up. If I touched your life On my way as I passed through Caused your heart to hope Or made one dream come true. If I made one moment Seem more beautiful somehow I hope you will remember While your without me now. If I brought you sunshine On a dark and cloudy day Or my presence ceased your lonliness Along the troubled way If you learned a little Of what life is meant to be Keep the lesson in your heart And fondly think of me. ************************************************** post comment

Well i've been lazy i have to admit [13 Aug 2001|06:53pm] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | Heart - Crazy on you ] I haven't even thought about writing lately. Probably cause ive been doign shit all. Ive been saving my money cause im going away in.....5 DAYS! yay yay yay yay! im so excited!!! Anyways i dont have much to update i might write later but im not really in the mood 1 comment|post comment

4 words [09 Aug 2001|02:06am] I AM SO BURNT post comment

Ok i think im nuts!! [07 Aug 2001|07:49pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Bob Marley - No Woman No Cry ] Disorder | Rating Paranoid: High Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Moderate Borderline: Very High Histrionic: Moderate Narcissistic: High Avoidant: High Dependent: High Obsessive-Compulsive: Low take this test!: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv what all this stuff means http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html post comment

[06 Aug 2001|10:52pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Hootie And The Blowfish - Let Her Cry ] Well Well Well i haven't updated in a while. I guess ill start off with what ive been up to. Thursday i went out to doc dylans and saw a bband...they were alright. After that i was drug to some other bar...and it was so retarded and boring. It was just full of teeny boppers aged 20-30. So i passed out in the back seat of the car and waited till my friends got out. Friday i ate shrooms, i was havign a great time. They were amazing. I only ate 3 grams and i was fucked...then i ate another half gram or so but it didnt do anythign cause i was already done tripping, i was hoping to bring it back up. but it didnt work. SO ya...i dont feel like writing about the stolen guitar because im in a pretty good mood right now. So i'll leave that out. Most of you who read this knows about it anyways. Saturday we smoked bud liek all day and i drank that night. I just really ended up talking to jeff most of the night. He says im really easy to talk to cause im like him. I'm not really sure if im like him at all, its just i understand where his sadness is coming from. I wish he would realize that his life isnt all that bad though. Hes going to visit his brother in ontario in a couple weeks he said he doesnt know if hes coming back. I hope he does ill miss him. Well yesturday tracy called me up,and asked me if i wanted to go away to ontario. It's gonna be a good time. We have our own hotel room and all so ya :) Were going to niagra falls first for 4 days,then to somewhere else for a day and then were going to toronto for 8 days. I'm so excited!! i had to lie to get time off work. I told my boss today that i have a wedding to go to and that i need 2 weeks off work. I told her my brother was getting married (i have a 13 year old brother haha) and that his girlfriend was going to have her sister in the wedding but she couldnt make it so she asked me. So carey (my boss) got me to fill out a vacation request form. And sicne i already had my vacation i wont have the 2 weeeks paid. I still dont know if its goign to be approved but if its not i just have to find people to fill my shift and it shouldnt be too hard becuase everyone wants overtime. But yaya!!!! im so excited! 12 days till i go. Were going bring lotsa drugs :) well im out! post comment

[02 Aug 2001|12:14am] [ mood | pessimistic ] Today i haven't really felt great. I'm just so down all the time, im really getting sick of it and i think im pissing off my friends. So Jeff said to me "meghan just please name off 5 things you like about yourself" And i couldnt. I seriously could only think of 1 thing...The honestly thing,how ill never lie. so since i couldnt think of 5 things i like about myself,ill think of things i dont like about myself. 1.I hate how im so emotional for no reason 2.I hate how i'm always testing my friends. 3.I hate how i get sick new people so fast and just push them away. 4.I hate how im ugly ugly 5.i hate how i get convinced to do anything aafter people bug me enough. 6.I hate how i casnt save money enough of this ya anyways i did shit all tonight. I want to go away and do somethign but i dont get paid until friday.arg. 4 comments|post comment

[01 Aug 2001|12:17am] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | Red Hot Chilli Peppers - I Could Have Lied. ] Well what is it now? 6 days into my vacation and the only fun i had at all was over the weekend. I don't know whats wrong with my lately i never want to do anything. My friends call me everyday at like 6,wondering what im up to that night and everyday i tell them i dont really feel like going out. Becuase i never do, all i like to do is sit in my house and smoke bud by myself. It's just im nbever in the mood for people anymore. Oh well. But ya i reallyt dont have much to write about. post comment

Trapped [31 Jul 2001|03:23am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | slayer - hell awaits ] I just realized today,that im not in a little rutt, im in a huge fucking rutt right now. Last year everyone thought it was bad,but fuck,this year is 100 times worse. Im stuck in a fucking job i hate. This weekend i saw my bud dave. He has it so great,i mean he travels all the time,he doesnt work,and he parties all the time. He has a great time. I wish i could do that,but instead,everyday work. Everyday i just look foward to coming home, getting my pj's on, snorting dilauded and smoking a joint. I dont even ever feel like leaving my house. I get my friends to come here, sometimes they want to go out partying and ill just stay home and lay in bed becuase i hate peopple. I seriously hate them. I just envy anyone who doesnt have my brain to deal with and they have FREEDOM. I can only dream about my fucking freedom. I need to free my mind before anything else but its impossible. I hold everything in, for weeks at a time,and then all the sudden,boom it hits me like a brick and i feel like shit for a week. I'm on vacation,i time where i should be out having a good time and all i want to do it sleep my life away. Today my friend got out of rehab,and i went to narcotics Anonymous with my him cause he wanted me to. While i was there all i could think of is how much better i am off then them. I mean common they cant even handle their drugs. Then after i realized,hey these people are actually better then me. They saw a problem in their life and they actually tried to fix it,unlike me, i just hope things will pass on there own but they keep getting worse. I seriously haven't felt think bad in years. You know how people talk about their "future" and there all like i was 2.5 kids,i asweet husband, a great job and whatnot? well me, i have no plans,i dont want plans, i wouldnt even be in the least bit disapointed if i got in a car accident tomarrow and turned into a vegitable for my whole life. Actually i would love it to have no brain to think with,It would be like my body is almost dead just like my mind. I wish there was some way i could be happy. I hope it happens but i have a feeling this is as great as its going to get. post comment

[30 Jul 2001|05:48pm] [ mood | high ] [ music | U2 - With or without you ] Well last weekend was just too much to write but i had the best time ive had in a while. I'm not sure what im up to this week. I don't really feel like writing now. SO i will later I love ya's post comment

[26 Jul 2001|03:57pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | The cure - Love song ] I'm sleepy still. I don't feel like going out. I don't think i will. I was just supposed to go out with caleb, so i will just tell him NO. I called connor at 5 this morning. I came home and i was drunk and i had connor withdrawel. He talked to me for a little while cause hes too nice to say, your a fucking idiot. I wish we were still together, i hate that new girl hes with now but i know hes happy. I'ts been so long since we broke up, i cant believe i still regret it. I'm just happy he still talks to me cause i was really mean. i miss him i miss him i miss him. ok enough of this! im on vacation and i cant go anywhere cause im broke! Jay says i can go to montreal with him, but i dont like that city. Last time i was there was awful. I won't ever go back with jay. He left me at this house with a bunch of guys i didnt know, and he went out with some chick. I usually wouldnt mind but i didnt like these guys. The only guy i could stand of the bunch had to go to bed early cause he had to work in the morning, but he knew i wasnt have a good time and he told me to sit in his bed and watch tv while he slept. This guy was a sweety,his name is Jesse Gibson. If you ever meet him,remind him that nipples are the most important meal of the day OUT post comment

oh no lots. [26 Jul 2001|05:15am] [ mood | tired ] Well i haven't really updated in a while. On sunday, venessa and jane camedown to visit me. We went to the zoo! i feel bad for the animals but i liked petting the goats and the deer. That night we really just smoked a little and went to bed early. Monday i had to work all day, thats night we had some people over. We ended up smokign mass amount of bud and we drank a bunch. It was pretty fun but i dont usually like being to the point i dont remember things from the night before. So tuesday i didnt make it into work. I went to work today,today was my last day, well till 2 weeks from now. I'm on vacation! I'm probably doing shit all but im still on vacation :) I'm pretty burnt right now, so im too lazy to write... so much for my cutting back on smoking llala post comment

[22 Jul 2001|02:10am] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | Some scary guy snoring. ] I'm in a strange city. Strange people i dont want to be around. I can't believe i came here. Bad idea bad bad idea. I have never wanted to go home so bad in all my life. post comment

someones a bear, shagfans a bear says shawna! [19 Jul 2001|11:20pm] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | Band - Stage Fright ] I'm feeling better then earlier. Today was a crying day, im not sure why, but alot of days lately have been crying days. I still think its unhealthy for me to cry all the time but i remember when i used to see the doctor he would says its very healthy to cry since i have a hard time to express my emotions. I found the shagfan your a bear thing today that shawna made me. It made me a little happier, cause i know she made it for me,for nothing,you know. Which was nice of her. I still dont understand why she calls me shagfan though :) i guess cause it rhymes with megfan. I have to brush my teeth like 10 times a day now. Cause of the holes in my mouth,food gets caught in their,its really annoying. Anyways enough of this! post comment

[19 Jul 2001|02:58pm] [ mood | pessimistic ] [ music | Gamma Ray - Rebellion in Dreamland ] Well today hasn't been too progressive. This morning i went to the bank to apply for a loan cause i need a new car. The guy said He shouldn't see a problem with it so thats good. Then after i got home, mark came over and we watch the virgin suicides. It wasnt too bad. I'm not sure if i'm going back out tonight , i usually like to be home at about midnight on a work night but it doesnt happen cause people can convince me to do anything if they bug me long enough. I haven't gotten stoned at all in 3 days..and i just realized my life really does suck. hah Thats really all we do,and now since im not doing that im finding it really boring and depressing. On saturday night or sunday venessa and jane are coming down,i just saw them last sunday but it was only for a couple hours. I really miss them. Also i really dont usually care that im gross and ugly but today and yesturday i really feel uglier and grosser then usual. IM UGLY IM UGLY IM UGLY. ok im out. post comment

[18 Jul 2001|12:45am] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | Blind Guardian - Bright Eyes ] well today was very boring. I really didn't do anything. I came home sick from work. I think i wanted to go home so bad i started to feel sick. Ahh well. I have tomarrow and thursday off,i love lieu days! tomarrow i think im gonna sleep all day i dont really have anything to do! today was my first day.I didnt get stoned all day. I quit drugs in case everyone who reads my rambles doesnt know! one day!and i turned it down it was a first! blaaa blaa nothing to write! 2 comments|post comment

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