Melissa's LiveJournal

Time:

9:26 pm.

i hate seeing people upset. lately i've been kind of eh, from being mostly happy and cheerful and stuff, but even when i'm feeling down, it makes it so much worse when everyone else is feeling crappy. i wish there was something i could do for everyone. i wish i had a big black bag like the wizard in the wizard of oz, to make everyone happy. but i don't, and the next best thing i can do is be there for them and love them. i don't care how cheesy it sounds, but love is such a beautiful thing, and i wish that people wouldn't take it for granted. it makes you say and do things you never thought you would. nevermind how it makes you feel. if you haven't already today, tell the people you love that you love them. it's always nice to hear...

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Time:

5:30 pm.

woo hoo i'm finally out of work, and i am exhausted!
i swear, jen and i almost fell asleep at work.
i kept on plopping myself down on the floor and she must think i'm insane, but i don't care, the floor is so comfortable.
i thought i was going to come home to take a nap, but i am still awake.
WHY?!?!
I can't explain it, it's like i got a big huge burst of energy back.
after i took a soothing, relaxing, sleepy-like hot bath, too.
life is weird like that.
i'll go and... pull my hair out because there is NOTHING else to do.
peace to all of you beautiful people!

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Time:

10:47 pm.

to all two of you who actually read my journal,
the previous post was not something that was a cry for help.
everything with matt and i is completely fine.
we are not in a bad time or anything.
my depression is just kind of coming back in little spurts
and makes me say shit like that.
for the record, i am completely and totally in love with
matthew (insert last name here, to remain anonymous so all you possible axe-murderer freaks don't try to track him down and kill one of my only sources of happiness),
and am not feeling bad feelings of regret for being with him or anything along those lines.
but thank you for your concern and i appreciate it.
and remember---
comments are comments!
even if they are anonymous, they are greatly appreciated.
my whole day is brightened up when i see (#)comments on my journal.
so comment away all you beautiful people!
and now, just to make my point stronger, i will leave you with a nice little sappy love quote....
" I have said nothing because nothing could be said as perfectly as you deserve it. "
that's not a direct quote, i probably messed it up but at least i'm admitting it. some kyle something or other said it.
not that i don't think he's important.
i just don't remember his last name.
and yet i can remember the full name of the kid who sat next to me in first grade...
hmm...

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Time:

6:25 pm.

i don't know why my sister is such a jerk to me.
my younger sister asked to use the phone. i said no, because i'm online, and i am not done checking my mail. then i said, plus, someone is always online when i need to use the phone, so you can suffer the same fate as i do. then my other sister (the one who is a jerk, the one i'm complaining about), is like, 'oh, you mean me and mom... blah blah blah *bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch my fucking ears off why don't you?*... you think you're better than everyone, and you're crazy... blah blah blah, *bitch ears off some more..*'
i don't know why she is such a bitch to me.
i have never done anything against her, and i hate it when she's a jerk to me.
apparently i think i'm better than everyone, and i think that everyone who's not me is stupid and beneath me and not worthy of my time.
this is not true.
especially to those who know me.
(or, if i act the way she thinks i do, you are all nothing compared to me, why are you trying to read this and pretend to be my friend? you know that you just suck, and could never amount to my greatness. )
right.
anyway, i'm waiting for matt to arrive, and he should be here shortly.
happy partying!

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Subject:	You can't drink the whole bottle of vodka... unless, of course, you're polish...
Time:	11:36 pm.

yes, so last night was a barrel o' monkeys of fun
drinking with maggie always calls for a good time.
we sat around, doing the usual, making stupid and yet insanely hilarious jokes.
but then i decided i wanted to do her makeup.
that was scary. i've learned never to do that again.
i love how whenever you put substances that aren't naturally found in your body, you don't realize that it's working right away.
like being drunk.
it snuck up on me.
kind of jumped out from behind a corner, and said, "Hey! i'm here!"
ah how wonderful it is.
i hung out with chantelle tonight, and it was fun.
she gave me this cute little tight black dress of hers.
it's wicked sexy and i can't wait to wear it.
it's not exactly superbowl attire, but i'm definetely going to be prancing around the house in it tomorrow.
after work. which i'm actually looking forward to.
not just because cool people are probably working, but because i like work and i love getting paid.
so, yes, i think this is a good enough update for now.
i always say that.
and then i go off on a tangent about something and forget that i said "okay i'm going now"
does this mean i have a problem?
oh yeah by the way...
oh crap there's some things i guess i just can't say, because certain people might be reading this, and... yeah, well, too much of an explanation might give away what i'm trying to avoid saying.
i like having free time.
it's great to catch up with old friends that you haven't seen in a while.
like chantelle, who went to florida.
i love hanging out with her because we're always bound to have a good time, with deep conversation and just funness all around.
yeah now that i realize i'm wicked tired, i'm going to go now.
but i'll bet that i'm just saying that, and i'll really sit here for a while longer before i realize that sometimes people need to sleep.
i'm just going to end this now.
peace all.

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Subject:	when i say i'll take it, i mean as is...
Time:	10:48 pm.

ah, how much i love ani.
right now i'm in such a poetic mood that i just want to throw words around like softballs
and form wonderous works of art.
i'm in such good spirits and i abso-fucking-lutely love it!
tonight i went over to chantelle's house, and we got some chinese food. but before we left, we were talking to her mom.
her mom asked about matt, and if i've been spending time with him, and i said yeah, and i actually went into the room she was in so i could talk to her, face to face.
then she looked up at me and said, "you look like you're in love. are you in love, melissa?" and i just smiled. a smile that went from ear to ear, and i didn't even care that i was showing all of my teeth and i didn't brush them today.
what else could i say but the truth?
yes.
yes, i am. so much in love that it's a little scary.
everything i thought i knew was love .. simply wasn't. matt is all i've ever wanted in life, and i'm so glad that i can be happy with him.
spending so much time with him makes me happy, to think that even though we're together constantly, we don't drive each other crazy. sure, we pretend we do, but that's all in fun.
i feel like such an ass, because i'm so happy and it seems as if i've abandoned everyone else i love.
and everyone seems to be feeling like crap recently, which makes me feel like even more of an ass for being so goddamned happy.
but i digress.
there's really nothing i can do about it.
i just went downstairs to check on my clothes in the washer because it was making funny banging noises.
i think i broke the washing machine.
the load may have been too large for the machine to handle.
i think this may be the last time i am posting, for my parents are going to KILL me.
goodbye, cruel, cruel world.
hey, at least i'm leaving tomorrow and will not be home, so therefore no one will notice right away.
happy new year!

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Subject:	Happy Christmas!
Time:	6:52 pm.

christmas is such a wonderful time of year. i love it.
(can you tell i'm happy with what i got?)
matt is so excellent, and he got me wonderful presents.
take, for instance, my new pants.
the pants i happen to be wearing right now.
they're pink. ( i love pink. )
they're also courdoroys. ( i also love courdoroys. )
when i eyed them at american eagle, i told him that i would get them for myself after christmas.
but when he came over on christmas eve, he surprised me with them.
i was quite happy.
so yeah, i won't go over everything i got, because i'm tired, but i had a wonderful holiday.
i can't wait until new year's eve.
getting messed up beyond recognition is so much fun!
so yeah, i'm at work right now,
my godfather is at my house
and i want to see him
so i want to go home right now.
but whatever.
i'm going to go and find something to waste my time with.
peace.

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Subject:	touch my nipples, bitch!
Time:	7:36 pm.

hey, i could have sworn that i updated another time before the last time, but apparently i did not.
i have been insanely busy and it's... well, insane.
i just got out of play practice. at first the play sucked completely
and all i wanted to do
was strangle people
and kick them out.
but now things are finally coming together
(woo hoo, two days before the show! excellent timing.)
and it actually looks pretty good.
when we first got costumes, i hated mine.
but i have come to love it.
i look like a faery (i'm an elf --- and i want ears, but i don't think we're getting them -- damn.)... and it's just so hot. i'm so seductive.
steve and i noticed a pattern...
every play we've been in together,
we've had some sort of kinky side sex thing going on.
so in this one, we'll also have one.
we're doing pinocchio (please don't laugh too hard),
and he's gepetto.
yes, now i know you're thinking, "where the hell are there elves in pinocchio?" but it's a generic version of pinocchio... performing the disney version would be much too expensive. so it's a cheap little play, and there just so happens to be elves in it, and i am one of them.
and what a sexy elf i am.
anyway, enough of that...
i've been procrastinating like crazy (big surprise there), and i haven't sent out any college applications yet.
in fact, i haven't even finished writing any essays for college.
i think now would definetely be the time to kick myself wicked hard in the ass and wake the fuck up to smell the goddamned coffee.
enough of this.
i smell from rehearsal, all that running around, and sex with gepetto -- err -- yeah, time to take a bath. peace all.
p.s. joking about sex with gepetto, i love matt. but i'm pretty sure you all know that and are sick of hearing it. if you even exist and are reading this...

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Time:

4:21 pm.

one more thing...
i was meaning to say this in the other entry
but i got too carried away with the whole
matt's-probably-cheating-on-me-rant....
Thank you to wavelength and delerious for your comments.
i feel like an ass for abandoning the livejournal world.
but that's what happens when you get crazy busy with the schoolwork and college shit thing.
Sorry about that.
Thanks again, you really brightened my day!
I promise to try to be more faithful to updating and commenting...
hopefully work will allow me to sit here on my ass like i have been doing, and that way i have more free time.
shalom.

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Time:

4:16 pm.

Ani was absolutely unbelievable.
I can't even describe it any further than that.
It left me completely speechless.
I must agree with Soph when she says that was the best two hours of her life.
Nothing will ever match up with it.
(well...maybe ONE thing will--- seeing her AGAIN!!!)
Now onto more news...
Matt's play was pretty cool,
but of course, I'm still really apprehensive about the whole cast party thing afterwards.
After what happened last time, I'm afraid something more happened with that fucking Marcy chick.
The first play, I saw her and thought, "eww! why would he kiss her? she's ugly and flat-chested!"
this time I thought, "how did she get so beautiful?"
She's still flat, but she has one of the most gorgeous girls I've ever seen.
this makes me uncomfortable.
especially since when I called matt at 3 this afternoon he just woke up.
which probably means he was partying hard.
he probably got drunk
and had sex with her or something.
maybe I'm just too paranoid.
because I know he wouldn't do that.
or at least I hope he wouldn't.
he says he wouldn't.
but can I believe him?
We'll just have to see if he did or not.
he's supposed to be picking me up from work.
(yes, i am at the library right now, "working")
and i'll just ask him flat out if anything happened with anyone,
instead of waiting for a month to pass before he finally says something.
that would not be a very nice christmas gift.
"i hope you like your present, by the way, at the cast party,
i got drunk and fucked some chick"
i love the holidays.

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Time:

6:34 pm.

i love it when things you write get published!
one of my poems that i submitted to a scholarship contest is being published.
i didn't win money, but hey, i'm being published,
and only less than 10% of all who submit something get published.
so woot for me.
in other news,
i've been really busy doing the school thing.
i'm unbelievably caught up in everything, so i'm quite happy.
amnesty is doing well, and i'm all in the amnesty-mood, it happens after we have meetings and interest people and accomplish things.
speaking of which, go to
www.amnestyusa.org/amina/news.html
there's an interesting case which you all should read about and act upon. it's all pretty straightforward, you can figure it out.
now i wish more people read my journal. if you're reading this now,
show it to EVERYONE you know so that way more people can act upon Amina's case. It's for a good cause, I promise.
but right now I'm at work and I will write later.
i'll try to be more of an online junkie to keep you appeased.
peace out, brothers and sisters.

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Time:

6:34 pm.

oh my god i can't believe i forgot----
ANI IS TOMORROW NIGHT!!!
i can hardly wait.
soph and i are leaving tomorrow morning.
we don't have to leave until tomorrow night, so we could go to school.
but that is completley ridiculous.
i mean, if we're going to be going to an event that will definetely be the pinnacle of our lives,
why on earth would we bother ourselves with such a trifle thing as school?
exactly.
so shopping will be done, which is great, because i love shopping.
and christmas.
it's quite lovely how they go hand in hand, huh?
yeah, i thought so, too.
well, i'm off now... still at work, of course,
but hopefully eight o'clock will leave soon.

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Time:	6:52 pm.
Mood:	nostalgic.
Music:	"Feed the Birds" from Mary Poppins... I don't know why....

Work is so boring. It's so boring that I am forced to sit on my ass all night and update my journal. Oh, darn, and I was so looking forward to re-alphabetizing the entire library... Life is getting to be pretty hectic, and I'm not really liking it all that much. College, college, college... college this, and college that, scholarships this, grants that... I'm going crazy! I think that after high school I'll just not go to college. I'll lock myself up in a basement somewhere (much like the one I'm already shelled up in), or perhaps an attic, and write. Write all day, like a mad woman. Okay, fine, not ALL day, I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for other leisurely activities... *wink wink* But yeah, I'm really confused as to what I want to do. At first I thought I was so sure. But of course, once you are certain about something, something goes wrong to bite you in the ass and prove you wrong. But that's just life, I guess, so I'll get over it. I really hate being so busy, because there are so many people that I love hanging out with that I can't because I'm so ridiculously busy. Then when I'm not busy, no one's around to bring me anywhere. So hopefully I'll get my license on Friday, and get a car, and then I might possibly be able to do things I want to do with the people I want to do them with. I miss my cousin Leslie so freaking much, and whenever I wish I had more time to religiously check my email and mail her every so often, but I'm just not online at all. Only at work, and it just sucks. Then there's Chantelle, whom I miss dearly (she's actually here right now, updating her web log...), I only get to see her at work not nearly as often as I'd like. I must abuse the phone more often! Tanya, I miss her loads, and it sucks how we grew apart. Sadira, I never really got to hang out with her to miss, but I miss the idea of hanging out with her. There's so many people... god, Matt and Bill, don't get me started there, I haven't seen Matt in a good 6 months, Bill in a good.. hmm.. 2 years?!?! It's nuts. (Ah, Denez, how could one forget him...??) Yeah, so life just gets like this, I suppose, and I'm not looking forward to look back on my high school days like this, with the people I see everyday. There is no way in hell I'll ever get used to not seeing my Polish princess every day, or Cassie, or my beautiful Nathan. I can't do it. But I will have to try. At least I'm staying relatively close to home, so I'll be able to bother people all the time. Whether they like it or not. Well, I have one hour left of work. Damn. I was hoping for less. But I'll just go get caught up taking millions of quizzes to pass the time. Hmm, and I'm hungry. I need food once I get my ass picked up. Peace out chicos!

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