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| Sunday, March 30th, 2003 |
| 1:31 am |
| Reason no. 14,239,849 why Australians are more hospitable |
Upon hearing of my impending arrival, they went out of their way to spruce up the city to try and make me feel more comfortable!
As evidenced here, and here
And after all their hard work and dedication to make me feel at home again, take a look at the end result of their labours. I love what they've done with the place!
I'm thinking of submitting it to Trading Spaces. They could use decorators that are as attuned to making a place look like home as these people are.
Thanks, guys! It's good to be home!
current mood:  touched
current music: Bon Jovi - Blaze of Glory
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 11)
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| Sunday, March 23rd, 2003 |
| 7:58 pm |
| And on a side note.. |
I'm not exactly sure why but I found this picture grossly amusing and oddly fitting, given the look of the people in i
( Insert your own favourite caption here :P )
Is it just me, or does the angle of the picture with regards to the arrow on the right side just completely make the image?
current mood: amused
current music: endo - simple lies
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 27)
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| 7:50 pm |
| Back to the mailbag |
Dear Satan:
Why is the colour red most commonly associated with your being? (In media, being the prime example.) I realise that red is the colour of love and sex in the American society, and that you have associations with sex, but other than that, why red? Wouldn't something more devilish suit you, such as black? Or purple, considering that horrible dinosaur from the States?
Perhaps it is as simple as red being your favourite colour, or that you look best in it?
Cheers,
Joy
Well, besides the fact that red looks a lot better than white(I mean come on.. you ever tried to have  bacchus_dot_com over for a party wearing white? It's a pain in the ass getting the ensuing stains out), there's also all the other associations with it. Blood is red, and if you believe the Bible, I like to kill. Red is the colour of anger, and I'm supposedly very angry, as well. I can't do black because I do most of my work at night.. and if nobody can see me, how am I to spread the Bad Word? Purple would make me look like one of those limp wristed Minnesota Viking fans, and we can't have that(not that there's anything wrong with that.. well, actually, there's a lot wrong with being a Viking fan). Plus, black is the predominant colour of another powerful icon of modern living: Those who took the RED pill in The Matrix, so that knocks that whole thing out. That's all I need is agent_smith giving me fashion critique all the damn time(and for those of you who don't read agent_smith, might I recommend doing so? I mean come on, dear harem.. anybody that is that lacking in personality has to be able to fuck like a porn star, and you all are wearing poor Satan out with your insatiable desires).
But the biggest factor is my crowning achievement to make the day of the mortals just that much more painful: Good ole Aunt Flo is red, and as we all know, that's my most evil creation to date(next to Air Supply, Siegfried and Roy, Denny's restaurants, and the Dell Dude). It's a beautiful thing, ruining 1/4 of the lives of all the ladies, and the sucker men who are whipped enough to follow them into Bath and Body works)
Ugh.. DEVLIN! Try to bring me questions that don't completely suck from now on! Come on here, you gotta give me SOMETHING to work with!
current mood:  drained
current music: gaaeme revell and mike einziger - daredevil theme remix
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 21)
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| Thursday, March 20th, 2003 |
| 6:41 am |
| And so it begins... |
I sat here for a good part of the day.. I was determined to find something funny, to write something funny. After all, there's nothing in this world that can't be laughed at, right?
.. I'm having a hard time finding a humorous point to the "Democritization" that started earlier today, cause one image keeps sticking in my mind.
( Behold, the surgical precision striking of the Just and the Righteous )
Oops.. musta missed. Oh well, it's only the first day, I'm sure their aim will get better later on. Yeah, that's the ticket.
You guys remember that image next time you've got a couple of politicians running for a position of ultimate power and you're thinking to yourselves "Why bother, it doesn't matter which one of em wins".
current mood:  morose
current music: Men at Work - Land Down Under
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 43)
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| Wednesday, March 19th, 2003 |
| 9:19 am |
| A call.. to poll? |
Favour to request of you, my dear minions. It seems tyler1968 has started one of those infamous War: For or Against polls. But this one has a possible twist to actually count.
Now, it's been well-documented that all of those US government-funded polls have been limited to less than 1000 people, and that there has been a target demographic set up in most of them, sorta negating their validity.
Now, Satan has a reporter reader in the Legion(Well, actually, he has two, but BROOKE doesn't talk to him much *mutterhintmutter*).. a fairly well known one, actually. This individual is actually the one who pointed this poll out to me. He says if ole Tyler can get the poll results to a significant number.. you guessed it.. the accurate voice of the people in your country will finally be heard in actual poll form, complete with disclaimer as to why it's more accurate than the ones released by the prez and co. for propaganda purposes, what with it being an unbiased polling of ALL walks of people, regardless of demographics(based of course, on Tyler giving permission for it to be used as suchr, since it's his poll.. drop a comment or an email and lemme know, Ty.)
Soooooo, hop to it minions. Drop a vote in it yourself, and spread out the good word about Tyler's venture.
current mood: mellow
current music: Alphaville - Forever Young
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 12)
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| Monday, March 17th, 2003 |
| 5:35 am |
| Aight |
No post, but I *did* go back and answer all those questions on the Satan's Q&A; from last week(scroll down a few posts), so if you asked one, you've got a response. If you like reading the responses, there ya go. If ya wanted to ask one.. too fucking bad, the Session is over, and Satan's tired of typing
current mood: sore
current music: 10,000 Maniacs - Because the Night
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 6)
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| Thursday, March 13th, 2003 |
| 9:49 pm |
| I've got a question |
This has been niggling at me for a couple days now, and the ones I've broached the subject to can't answer it, either, so I'll put it to the test. Now, you American mortals have been stuck with the whole "Thou shalt not refer to the French, except to talk badly about" thing for a little while now, to the point where you're no longer supposed to refer to Belgian fries, French Toast, French Kissing, etc. anything but Freedom stuff, the New Orleans French Quarter is to be hereby referred to as "Liberty Square", there'll be a new tariff on wines imported from France(I swear, you guys are just TRYING to get me to go back home with that one), etc. etc. etc.
My question is: Since I'm not American, freely state it, and have absolutely no desire to become one(thank you for the green card marriage proposals, btw), are deities and people such as myself exempt from calling it that stupid ass stuff, or are we to be sucked into the vortex of moronicism(see? I can make up words just like that Bush guy!) as well? Cause I'll be damned if I'll believe I'm supposed to call my toy a freedom tickler while messing around with a shackled harem member.
Damn, these posts take forever to type one handed :(.
Oh, and redheadevilchiq, your letter got here today.. I'm gonna add it to the mailbag. I need some evil thoughts right about now.
Poll #112554: Freedom Shit
Open to: friends, results viewable to: allExemption, or to sound like an idiot like the Americans who are calling it this? View Answers
Exempt!-Be glad you aren't stuck being us!
   11 (7.9%) Exempt!-Can I come with you?
76 (54.7%) Exempt!-Those politicians.. they won't end up in Hell with us, will they??
31 (22.3%) No-Not even deities are immune from the stupidity of politicians
12 (8.6%) Go back to Australia, you human shield!
9 (6.5%)
And yeah, I know the poll is a little skewed.. but it's MY poll.. deitical privilege, not that I'm biased or anything :P. That and I just felt the need to do a poll and couldn't come up with a damn thing.. so you get regurgitated garbage today. Oh, and somebody explain to me why I have to vote in my own damn poll before I can see the results?
current mood: sore
current music: *** 23. Good Charlotte - Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 53)
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| Wednesday, March 12th, 2003 |
| 2:49 pm |
| ARRRRGH |
Well, while I'm here, might as well vent.
Freedom Fries and Toast(somhow the ticklers are still French?), Assassinated prime ministers, telemarketing laws, Chinese censorship of the Stones, etc.
I have to take ONE day off, and God goes and taunts me by making it the best day of the year to make fun of! ARGH! Sweet Satan, the quips rushing to my head for the freedom food alone are enough to fill a weeks worth of posts. DAMMIT!
I hate you, God. I really, really hate you.
current mood: sore
current music: Lorena McKennit - The Mummers' Dance (Enya Remix)
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 23)
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| Monday, March 10th, 2003 |
| 10:04 pm |
| Answers from God |
I can hear the rumblings now. "Wait a minute, Satan said it was Q&A; time, and I asked a question. He ALWAYS answers them promptly, that's how this thing works! But yet, the question has gone unanswered. Why hast Satan forsaken us!"
Life lessons, my dear minions. A question is a lot like a prayer, in many ways. You're seeking answers, you're seeking guidance, you're seeking wisdom, advice on how to get a good lay, etc.
As I said, I was going to answer your questions from the role of God today. God doesn't answer prayers. It should have been so obvious. What, you guys actually expected a response? God doesn't care about you little bastards! No wonder Christianity still has followers, people are still falling for the ruse that God cares!
Suckers!
Perhaps later I'll CONSIDER answering the questions of you now God-Jaded types, out of pity for your now-crushed beliefs. Then again, I might not, seeing as how you little mortal bastards tried seeking guidance from God over me.. I'm a vengeful deity, you know.
current mood:  devious
current music: ** 60. David Lee Roth - Just Like Paradise
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 22)
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| 11:53 am |
| Changing directions |
OK, it's time for another episode of Uncle Satan's Bar and Grill. For those of you who aren't familiar with this, this is the opportunity for YOU, the reader, to ask a question, and get a deitical answer. Life, love, winning lottery numbers, where that redhead next door hides her spare key so you can break into her apartment and steal all her panties, whatever. If you need more of an idea, check my memories folder, there's a prior version of this in there.
However, I'm gonna run it from a different angle. Seems God has vanished again, so I'm gonna help Him out, and answer your questions as He would(in other words, just this once, I'm God). Purest of intentions and all *snicker*
Alright, my loyal Legion; lay em on me.
current mood:  productive
current music: Chad Kroeger - Hero - Main Version
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 128)
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| Sunday, March 9th, 2003 |
| 10:10 pm |
| Administrative |
(This message always on top of my LJ page)
Pay no attention to this entry, guys, it's just for administrative purposes to prospective readers.
I've maxed out my friends list at 750. Pay no attention to the Friend of: 499.. I broke LJ apparently.. they are gonna fix the bug sometime before the second coming, I'm told. As such, there's sort of a waiting list to get in. Go ahead and add me, and I'll try to remove dead journals off my list to make room for you as I spot them, but it might take some time. So DON'T email me asking about it! :P.
current mood: productive
current music: Pure Moods - Sounds of Nature - Electrifying Thunderstorms
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 22)
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| 4:06 pm |
| Satan's Mailbag.. deep style |
Apologies for whatever this post is lacking. I've read it twice, and I know it's missing something, but I can't think of what. Damn Bushes
Dear Satan:
Often times, when depressed or inspired, I'm inclined to think that a form of "god" exists. Other times, when life is screwing me hard, I think there is no "god." And, you can correct me if I'm wrong, since I've had little Christian teaching, esentially, isn't it supposed to be Good:Evil::God:Satan. (For those who never took the SATs, "Good is to Evil as God is to Satan." Of course, I'm not assuming you are dumb, I'm assuming the rest of your readers are. We can't all be perfect.)
So what I'm getting at is, if there really is no form of "god," how can you exist? Or is evil as we know it really a seperate and unique force? But if that were the case, how could there really *be* an "evil?" Isn't "evil" one of those things that only exist in situations such as light/dark, up/down, Democrat/Republican, etc.? Or, is it one of those true situations where there are many shades of gray? Such as, cases where there is "no evil" as opposed to cases where there is "complete evil?"
So, is there a "god," or are you our only true deity, and "god" is just some guy that claims to be the leader of all things having "no evil?"
Cosmically yours,
--Your ever-loving, Insane Lawn Foliage.
Dear Insane Bush(the other one),
You bring up interesting points both for and against the existence of Chrisitan deities(though on a side note.. I think everyone here caught your Good:Evil:God:Satan analogy.. I got rid of the most ignorant of my readers some time ago when I purged the redneck Bird Farmer and his facist white supremacist brother.
On the one hand, you prove God exists whenever you get depressed, because, let's face it.. the thought of having a God like that out there, plus the thought that if you want to spend eternity doing something OTHER than burning, you have to kiss his ass, is enough to make anybody depressed. You also make a compelling case(although I think accidentally) that there can be no God, as He allows me to screw you hard(which proves MY existence), because if He is so loving, he would not allow such a thing. By the way, sorry about last week, hope you weren't walking too funny as a result.
But the rest of your argument is flawed, I'm afraid. You see, God does indeed have a form. He's that fat, smelly guy in the cubicle next to yours, He's your OBGYN that doesn't warm up the "tools" before he starts prodding you with them. He's that guy on the corner soliciting followers by saying "REPENT OR DIE, SINNER!"(hey, if you only had roughly 25% of the market share, you'd be out there, too). He's the tow truck driver who steals everything out of your car while its at the yard waiting to be picked up at a cost of 340 dollars for a 1/4 mile trip. He's that really painful thing in your ass that makes it uneasy to sit down, and requires an embarassing drug store purchase. No, not that one.. you enjoy that one while it's happening. That's clearly Me.
I, however, cater to a much wider spectrum of humanity. My "evil" is much more grey than God would have you believe. You see, God believes in acquiring followers and love through tough love. He figures that if he kicks you around and toughens you up, you'll be appreciative and come to Him. I figure it's easier to lure in you little bastards with promises of hot sex with that cute redhead in the cubicle next to yours, endless amounts of liquor, fast cars, devising a ruse to where if a guy offers you cheap plastic beads, you'll show him your tits, etc. My evil is more subtle. Putting the other mad Bush in charge of your lives, making porno clips on the web that cut out right before the good parts, Cosmo magazine(as evil to the guys), Bachelor magazine(as evil to the girls), Cosmo magazine again(as evil to the girls who are Hell-Bent on looking like those women in order to lure the guys who subscribe to Bachelor magazine). The physical torment of periods and pregnancy for the women, the mental anguish of mood swings, bitching and nagging of periods and pregnancy directed AT the men.. my blatant refusal to kill off the last remaining Bee-Gee, as well as giving Hugh Grant a movie career.
My point is, oh-ye-of-the-never-trims-her-Bush, that while it may APPEAR that there are no tangible forms for Good or Evil, God or Satan, we do exist, it's just that your female mind is incapable of seeing such things for what they are *ducks the impending collective slap of all harem members*.
Love Always
current mood:  tired
current music: Van Halen-Right Here Right Now
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 21)
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| Saturday, March 8th, 2003 |
| 2:22 am |
| Not-So-Random Stuffs |
Administrations, provisos, etc. etc. etc.
1. Whoever keeps leaving the ice covered bags of shit on the doorstep of Mr. Freud, please stop. His mother is starting to walk funny as a result of his rage. Plus, it loses its effect when it's not on fire.. he doesnt' have to stamp it out this way.
2. The faculty mixer between the harem and the Demonlords has been cancelled. It has come to my attention that one of them is actually hung better than I am, so they are all off limits until I can weed out the culprit and send him to the torture chamber where I house the televangelists.
3. Satan will be appearing in Nashville TN all next week.. well, actually I'll be there for the weekend as well, but not available. Pictures will be forthcoming from THAT reason *grin*. The Dark One is feeling particularly social at the moment, so any wishing to meet up for lunch one arvo or go out for a drinking contest, please inquire within or email. Note that loser of drinking contest will pay for ALL liquor for the evening. All favours requested of the Dark Lord while in town must be accompanied by the proper 10-890 form filled out in triplicate, as well as a free lap dance.
On that same note.. all worthless, bodgy lying pieces of shit yobbos who speak big from the comfort of home in Atlanta and have an obsession with stalking the Dark One are invited to drive up to receive a free ass beating courtesy of yours truly. Yes, this means you, oh ye of bird farming, ya fuckin' drongo.
4. ( And now.. more child abuse(shamelessly stolen from cnik) )
current mood:  drunk
current music: Tantric-Seaons Change
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 19)
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| Friday, March 7th, 2003 |
| 11:15 am |
| Inspired by christ5ian's new icon.. and the Girl Scouts |
Inspired by that evil little hussy who convinced me to buy 9 boxes of her damn cookies. Everybody, sing along!
Now what starts with the letter C?
Cookie starts with C
Let's think of other things that starts with C
Uh ahh who cares about the other things
C is for cookie that's good enough for me
C is for cookie that's good enough for me
C is for cookie that's good enough for me
Ohh cookie cookie cookie starts with C
Ohh C is for cookie that's good enough for me
C is for cookie that's good enough for me
C is for cookie, that's good enough for me
Ohh, cookie cookie cookie starts with C
Hey, you know what
A round cookie with one bite out of it looks like a C
A round donut with one bite out of it also looks like a C,
But it is not as good as a cookie
Oh, and the moon sometimes looks like a C,
But you can't eat that
So, C is for cookie, that's good enough for me
C is for cookie, that's good enough for me
C is for cookie, that's good enough for me
Ohh, cookie cookie cookie starts with C
Yeah, cookie cookie cookie starts with C
Oh boy, cookie cookie cookie starts with C
Yes, even Satan thinks the Cookie monster fuckin' rules.
current mood:  weird
current music: Toad the Wet Sprocket-Walk on the ocean
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 49)
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| Thursday, March 6th, 2003 |
| 8:07 pm |
| Remedial Math--Satan Style |
Hey aldazar, went to add you to as the newest member of the Legion when I got this:
Error adding one or more friends: Exceeded 750 friends limit (now: 752)
Don't worry, I'll kill off a dead dot_com deity(yes, even though he's already dead) to make room for you, but maybe you could explain to me why 752 is acceptable as part of the 750 friend cap, but not 753? :P
No wonder Livejournal is always offline and being a bitch to load up and read friends journals on, the bloody bastards can't even count!
current mood: amused
current music: Serena Paris-Just about enough
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 7)
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| Wednesday, March 5th, 2003 |
| 8:42 pm |
| More from the mailbag |
Dear Satan,
I see you commonly refer to New Jersy as "Hell". Why is this? Hell is supposed to be like, ultra hot and stuff. It's FREEZING in Jersey right now. Therefore, it can't be Hell.
Luvs and nipple tweakings,
Kaitlyn
Dear Kaitlyn,
Have you ever seen the water on Jersey's eastern borders? Have any idea how many used condoms come floating ashore from those waters? Take a swim in that sometime, a few days later when you're starting to feel that burning in your crotch, you'll understand why it is that New Jersey can be cold, but still very, very warm.
Gropings and candle waxings,
Satan
current mood: lazy
current music: SR-71 - Lucky
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 6)
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| 2:47 pm |
| Satan's mailbag |
Satan,
You ruined my house! I came home and there was stuff EVERYWHERE! And you stepped all over my garden, you bastard!
Alexis
Dear Alexis,
.......It wasn't my fault! I swear it wasn't my fault! I wasn't in control of myself. The Devil made me do it!
*ponders*
Wait.. ohhhhhh yeah, heh.
Never mind. Bad excuse.
current mood: chipper
current music: La Bouche - Sweet Dreams
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 14)
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| 2:33 am |
| Oh, forgot one thing |
Only 4 friends slots still left open, so this is pretty much last call to get in the Legion without getting on the waiting list.
I'll start taking off dead deities_dot_com as needed after I max out, but not with any regularity.. it's a pain in the ass since I never get removed from THEIR lists.
current mood:  enthralled
current music: Pure Moods - Sounds of Nature - Electrifying Thunderstorms
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 12)
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| 1:53 am |
| Long distance charges to Hell are a bitch |
Had the most.. interesting.. conversation with the chosen representative of most of you guys today..
Me: Hello?
George: Greetings, S man, it's George!
George Who?
George Dubya, of course! You know my daddy
Oh.. you.. whattaya want?
I was hoping to secure your support for my upcoming invasions. I could always use a little help, ya know. My daddy, he taught me that. And my cause isn't quite religious enough to get the Christians involved.
Dude, I've got better things to do with my time.. besides, haven't you already basically destroyed half their defenses before the war's even started?
That's not the point. Now Satan, you're a reasonable man. I'm sure you can appreciate the gravity of the situation. My daddy says I have reason to believe that Saddam is planning on using Weapons of Mass Destruction on Hell in an attempt to overthrow your way of life!
George, he couldn't even fire those weapons across the street, let alone to Hell. Trust me, New Jersey is perfectly safe.
No, Satan. It's all an act of deception! DIdn't you get those top secret spy tapes my daddy had me send down to you that showed Saddam personally talking about taking over your realm?
Yeah, I got em.. they were nothing but old episodes of "South Park"! What kind of a fool do you take me for?
No, Satan, they were real. I swear! He just made them LOOK like episodes of South Park to try and trick you. It's deception, I tell you, deception! Your land is in great danger! Your people are at risk! Good God, man, I bet you haven't even duct taped and plastic sheeted the lake of fire yet! You are at risk to fall victim to Saddam and his terrorist regime! Just ask my daddy!!
Urgh.. ya know, you're reaaaaaally starting to piss me off, George. You know the budget down here is still stretched thin. What the hell am I gonna do with all those Iraqis and hookers the Americans kill? And I couldn't sheet off the lake if I wanted to. You have any idea how many used condoms drift ashore from New York? Gotta keep it clean, guy. And what's this infatuation with your father?
Satan, you either do what I say or..
Oh boy, here we go
I don't like your tone, Mister! I think I know what's going on here!
Here it comes..
YOU and your Legion are a Terrorist Regime!
How did I know that was coming?
Your unwillingness to help me slaughter, and to not bow down to my will is an obvious sign that you are attempting to usurp the freedom of the American people, and my daddy and I will not stand for it!
Don't you mean you won't stand for anybody doing it but yourself?
That's it, Satan! I demand that you disarm immediately and prepare for occupation, or I'll have no choice but to have you removed from power by force! That's what my daddy would do!
How about I just disrobe your daughters and have them corrupted. Oops, too late, they did that on their own when they were 12. I swear, that's the only good bush.. erm, I mean Bush, to come out of your gene pool in generations
My daddy and I are gonna get you, Satan!
Hey, would you happen to know when they're gonna do that spread in "Playboy"? I'd like to reserve a copy. Any truth to the rumours of them doing a lesbian porno together?
Prepare to be squashed, Lucifer! I'll put an end to the Luciferism threat once and for all! Ridge, go to code orange! CODE ORANGE!
Luciferism? Oh great.. you're making up words again.. George look, I gotta go. I've got an appointment over in oubliette 24 and some model that just showed up down here. But out of curiosity, what's code Orange?
...
George?
...
Yoooo hoooo, I asked you something, you little chimp you
It means.. um.. My daddy knows!
Great, you don't know what it means more than anybody else. Never mind, I'll just ask that guy you sent here to tap my wires that I caught.. maybe he'll know. And btw, George.. you CAN'T invade me.. God and I have a bit of a truce going right now
I would like God's backing in war, but I don't need it. I'll go in with or without him! I still haven't made enough of a budget deficit yet, I need to spend another 12 trillion something.. might as well be you!
Why don't you use it to finish paying off those people in Florida who rigged the election for you?
IMA GONNA SQUASHILIZE YOU, LUCIFER! ME AND MY DA..
*click*
Geez, it's worse than a telemarketer.
current mood:  irritated
current music: Bif Naked - My Whole Life
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 18)
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| Monday, March 3rd, 2003 |
| 6:29 pm |
| The Devil's baseball team |
I'm thinking of starting up a private fantasy baseball league over on Yahoo.. live draft, rotisserie type game.. Satan digs those sorts of things.. anyone up for making it a Legion of Evil group? Would have 9 openings.
Inquire within, and Sign here please. And right here. And there. and riiiiight over here.
current mood:  curious
current music: Fuel - Won't Back Down
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(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 24)
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