|
[10 Nov 2002|09:57pm] |
All sorts of weird going on with me today. I just haven't felt "right" Tired of everything - the fatigue being upset causes, the fleeting-ness of the happiness, the lack of comfort within myself and in my parents' house.
*rubbing my arms* I had such a lovely dream last night, after the upsets. I felt warm and loved when I woke up, then things went downhill. I got grouchy when I realized I didn't have that feeling in my waking life. Mom started making demands about cleaning the house, and I got frustrated, because I was trying to do things too.
The dream started out as my usual seeking dream - wandering through a mall of sorts, looking for something. I don't remember exactly what happened, but, abruptly, I found what I was looking for - something that hadn't ever happened before. I was with a tall blond man, with very long blond hair pulled back into a braid. He was an Elf, but not with the usual accentuated ears - just a modest point. He was sweet and loving, holding me, holding my hand, never far away. We'd sit down in the food court, and he'd pull me into him and hold me. He was wearing normal street clothes, with a light jacket or windbreaker, with a stand-up collar. I remember at one point, I was standing behind him as he squatted down to look at something, and I reached down and pulled the collar down a little, and kissed the back of his neck, and inhaling the scent of him. That was the most sexual it got - it was just...light, and gold, and warm.
When I got online, I went looking for LOTR wallpaper, Legolas, specifically. His is the image I saw in my dream. Interesting, since I normally go for the Aragorn type - rough, quiet and mysterious. Legolas is the tall, elegant, beautiful type. The way I envision Snowee...
That comparison didn't escape me for long. It doesn't seem to matter how long it's been, I can't just cut her out of my life. I can't leave her behind, like she seems to want me to. I'm so weary about that, too - weary of the pain, of the wondering if she'll ever come back, of the fear that she won't... Rachael's tired of hearing about it. No one in my real life would understand.
I'm relieved that last night was a washout. I wasn't particularly upset, until I got home and saw the messages from both Pandy and Rachael about their cyber wedding. It was like a double slap in the face. "Look what I got, and what you don't!" I know neither of them meant it that way, but...
I talked a bit with Rach about it, tried to be honest with her about how I felt. We're both uncomfortable with things as they are. I don't want to lose her as a friend. She understands me so well, and she knows so much of my history. Chris doesn't know me quite so well, despite how close I am to him.
Seeing him on cam was interesting. He din't look like I expected him to - he looked older, and considerably wiser. Not a bad thing, mind you. He's handsome, though he doesn't believe it. I was totally bemused by it, and him. If it weren't for 1500 miles and two seperate lives...
I'm frustrated with myself. I never feel like I'm good enough at anything, so I don't try. I look over my abilities, and feel I'm lacking in so much, like I'm a jack of all trades. I fear applying for a job I'm not qualified for, and getting laughed out of the interview. Or worse, being hired, and failing. It's pathetic. It's really what's holding me back - You're not good enough, I tell myself subconsciously. You'll never last there, they'll never hire you. It seems...pathological. A brick wall I can't get around. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life - all I know is I don't want to be stuck in a dead-end job, or worse, two or three jobs, just to pay bills.
I push people who love me away. I'm afraid they'll leave me, so, instead of letting them hurt me, I do it myself.Chris is the friend I've known longest, besides high school, and they're all practically gone. Rach said the I do it to my family, to my kids. That almost made me cry. I suppose it's true. I search for love, for comfort, yet I have parents, and cildren who can offer it to me. I refuse to accept it. Why? Kenneth's the only one I freely show affection towards. I feel badly about it. I try with the girls - Rachael accepts it, but Sarah gets clingy, and that irritates me.
Reading things about the Church...some of it's bringing back long-buried memories, and showing me all the pain I've had to deal with. There was a thread in the XKLDWOmen's group about the temple, and how most of the women on the list felt weird about the ceremonies. It echoed so perfectly what I felt - I hated the temple, the most holy of all places to worship. The endowment ceremony was weird, and creepy, but I couldn't say anything - I mean, I'm going through with my mom and grandmother. It's supposed to be a profoundly spiritual experience, and I was just freaked out. "Oh, you just didn't understand what was going on," Alan said, "You need to go more often." No thanks. The entire thing is humiliating.
So much of church doctrine is repitition. Over and over, concepts are hammered into your head. Fellowship is forced upon you, fellow members watch you to be sure you're doing right, and if you're not, you're whispered about. "There's no way anyone can be happy without the Church," is the feeling you get. The entire culture is "us versus them". "A peculiar people", and a hefty persecution complex are the basis of a lot of the teachings. "We're so special because we're the ONLY ones with the Whole Truth (tm), and Satan will do anything to tear us down", including lead unsuspecting members astray through use of the Internet and reading anything not "faith promoting", meaning nothing the least bit out of line with Church teachings. This particularly includes Church history and writings by Joseph Smith's contemporaries. Anything disparaging is considered "influeneced by Satan", and not to be believed. Historical research, at least where it concerns the Church, is discouraged.
People outside just don't get it. Cult is a good word for it. Brainwashing is another. The depth and breadth of control exercised by the Church is unthinkable to a nonmember. Just having the "discussions" doesn't show it. It's the lure. A :goldeon contact" is someone considered "ready to hear the Truth (tm)." Meaning those laid most vulnerable by life's circumstances - new widows, recent divorcees, lonely college students. These people are hooked with the promise of forever families, and eternal life, but aren't told the entire story. "Milk before meat", it's called. It's only being baptised that they're fed more information, but even then, it's tightly controlled by Salt Lake.
Priesthood authroity is to be obeyed at all times. Women have no authority - they're subject ot the men in their lives. If a woman has a problem with her husband and goes to the leadership, she's usually counseled to go back, read the scriptures more, be more faithful, support her husband more - in other words, that she's not trying hard enough, and he's to be forgiven of his errors.
Think the Catholics have the corner on sexual abuse? If half the stories I've heard are true, and they were made public, the Mormons would knock the CAtholics out of the headlines. I've heard many stories of sexual abuse of women and children, girls particularly, and the men involed getting no psychological counseling, only a slap on the wrist from the local Church leaders. Nothing is reported to the police. I know of three cases, personally. This goes for domestic abuse as well.
http://www.carm.org/mormon.htm
This isn't really what I started out writing....I got sidetracked. I guess my anger at the Church for stealing so much of my life is coming out.
|
|
frustrated
annoyed
silly
bouncy