I love you

Soul

06:24pm 17/11/2002

music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Eye

"Is it any wonder I can't sleep?
All I have is all you gave to me...
Is it any wonder I found peace... through you...
Turn to the gates of heaven, turn myself around...
Turn away from I.
Its not enough.
Just a touch. Its not enough."

:: open up, it's the s.b.s. You, move over there. I'll move over here and take you with me. It's no wonder I can't sleep - you gave me nothing. Turn. ::

( Personal ads )

Tonight, unless Dave gives me an indication that something will occur tonight, will be tonight. And it'll see me drink coffee and write music, because I'm a depressingly sad bastard with little else to do. I could take an array of torches into the forest and listen to music I guess. This is a friday night. I'm doing nothing.
My sister will *pay* for making me drive at 9.00am tomorrow... this means I cannot get wasted tonight... something I really could use in the near future.

:: Like sorry. Like sorry ::

Since this life is no less bleak
And reeks yet still of your past sins
Pure emotion helps you free
Yourself, not otherwise.
Similar but still unique
Feelings blown to unmarked winds...
Now come, foul air, to harvest me...
Blind me to the skies...

::4:: - ::x::

:: birth of gaia ::

08:57pm 16/11/2002

music: Stabbing Westward - Ungod

::It's too late now too fall asleep::
::So just lie here and watch you breathe::
::In the morning you'll be gone::
::Like everything I've ever loved::

::So just kiss me before you go::0
::Kiss me before you go::
::Kiss me before you go::
::Promise to kiss me before you go::
Dawn - Stabbing Westward

:: ( juice ) ::

Blinding white background shifts to grey, to metallic blue. A crystalline teardrop falling from the small puddle of blood defying gravity on the ceiling. defying gravity in the air, in this rapidly solidifying oxygen that shifts to the colour of the blue-green metal. Forgetting this, this injustice. Nothing can be done with it. Just live in this bubble, watch the air outside turn solid around you. Nothing can be done about it. Sooner or later we'll see that this prison is the freedom we fight for...

:: x ::
"Take this. As an offering. Take this. As a sign.
How much can you take from me?"
:: x ::

Beauty exists on far too many levels. Look inside the mind of your worst enemy, and see the truth inside. People often forget that they're beautiful. This is all that it is. They seem to think that respect is beautiful, but forget to respect themselves and others enough to see that there is life around them.
This makes them no less beautiful.

:: ( juice, juice, juice ) ::

::6:: - ::x::

Plea for the death sentence.
		06:12pm 12/11/2002
	[censored story] Apart from this, my day was okay. The hideous traffic this morning meant that I missed my first period, which could be a shame because it was english, but I'd prefer to listen to music in the car anyway. Craig dragged me out to help him take photographs instead of confronting Mr. Rees about the written project, so they either didn't care I didn't show my face, or I'm dead tomorrow. Living in fear makes me a little happier to be alive. 223 days left... Tonight is an art night. Can't you just feel the apathy...? I spent a far-too-short amount of time talking to Stu today too. I gathered that I'm a lot happier than I was last week already, and we both realised that we were a lot happier, for no apparent reason. It's all getting better. I bet by Saturday I'll be screaming purple. Purple, I say. And fish. Quote me nothing, rebellious random. And alpha b beta ivne' shriloco kang'e pass. I was driving in the rain, and a small leaf stuck to my windscreen. I nearly missed the lights staring at it. ( I was too bored to work ) Breathing again now. These seasons change more quickly every year.
		::4:: - ::x::

:: i love you ::

10:46pm 07/11/2002

mood: changing to winter.

music: elia alariel - aliceintro

( goodbye )

::13:: - ::x::

The compulsory survey post...

09:07pm 06/11/2002

music: Strapping Young Lad - Oh My Fucking God

My journal now has a "down into the rabbit hole" picture instead of the lights, and my userpics have changed slightly.
I want to say that

fuck_my_doll rocks. It occured to me reading one of her posts last night. Yeah. I have no idea.
( I don't post quizzes )

I decided to make one of these, because I can.
Name five songs that make you happy:
Land of Sunshine - Faith No More
Acid Rain - Liquid Tension Experiment
Burning Angel - Arch Enemy
Detox - Strapping Young Lad
Don't Mug Yourself - The Streets

Name five songs that upset you:
Edward Scissorhands Theme - Danny Elfman
3 Libras - A Perfect Circle
Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
Hurt - Nine Inch Nails
And All That Could Have Been - Nine Inch Nails

Five songs that mean a lot to you personally:
Get Away - Earshot
Schitzophonic - The Wildhearts
3 Libras - A Perfect Circle
Solitary Shell - Dream Theater
Blue Monday - (I prefer the Orgy cover, because the bass gets underneath me)

Put them on a playlist and listen to them all night. This exercise is to make you introspective and to give me ideas of what next to download ;)

"Now the girl's rude."

Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding.
Today, after school I drove into Manchester with Stu, and we sat about and did little, which was great fun. I drove along a side road at 40mph, slowing down to 1mph for every speed bump, which kept us in stitches for the duration of the experiment... we also sat in the great easyinternet building of fame, where 3.9meg files may be downloaded in two seconds. I'm not kidding.

I also bought Angel Dust by Faith No More, a CD I've been meaning to buy for ages. Stu then convinced me to buy some OTEP promo, because it had seven tracks for £3. I'd never heard of them before, but it seems as though they're pretty new so I guess I wouldn't... Nothing original, they have some dull but chunky riffs with soft screaming vocals supplied by the female vocalist. No rapping, the melodies are scarce, but interesting enough, and she has a good voice. I think they try to be a better version of Slipknot, but luckily for them, they sound nothing like it... worth the money I paid, but I doubt I'd buy the album.
It still has time to grow on or off me I guess.

( something stolen from Alice from someone I don't know )
I very rarely do these, and some people claim not to know me well enough.

You don't know how satisfying it is driving a purple corsa at 60mph in a no-limit zone... surrounded by other cars... windows down... faith no more covering "Easy" at full volume... ... ...all other drivers laughing... me singing along...

::7:: - ::x::

07:52pm 05/11/2002

music: Nine Inch Nails - The Perfect Drug

A number of changes- this post has kinda evolved, but tonight has been useful I guess. I made my journal look really pretty, more in theme with Alice in Wonderland. I think I might make a tarot set of mood icons to cap it all off... I also made a few new userpics- which should be visable below...

There. The E.A. Elia Alariel default is just to fit in with the journal, really. The second is supposed to look like many eyes inside one another, and the third is obviously the third eye.

This song still exists. That's yet another thing worth living for.
I'm counting reasons why life is beautiful. I'm coming up with a fair amount of evidence to support my claim. Eat that Adam ;)

Without you... without you everything falls apart...
Without you... it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces...

There are fireworks going off outside this window I'm facing, so there's no point in huddling in the cold with people I don't really like. I very much dislike this time of year anyway, because the smoke caused by these damn fireworks obscures the stars. Slap me for being me, or something. I mean, it's also completely pointless. You see one of these things, and there's no real point in seeing any more of them... they're all exactly the same, just in different shapes, making different noises. They're not even particularly pretty. I'm sure it would be if you were closer- if the explosion was all around you and you could feel the sparks dance in circles across your palms- but it isn't.
Spent the vast majority of the day walking around being dead. I stumbled and almost fell down stairs twice today- I'm in a bit of a state. Various people seem to be considering worrying about me though. And I can assure you that this is pointless, and will make me feel guilty. The face of all your fears. Matt gave a nice talk in english soc. though. That was my day's highlight.
Driving for over two hours on my own every day is relaxing in a way, but I think it's going to severely fuck me up. Plus- would you put an insomniac behind the wheel of a car? Neither would I.
Tonight I am intending on writing more novel. I have to catch up a little. I may also record some of my concept album... there's a provisionally titled song "even breathing" that's almost entirely acoustic, so if I hammer out some soft drums for it I could lay out the chord progression tonight... *plots*... or tomorrow, when everyone's out...
Working is so much less fun.

I appreciate all of you. And if I die, know that I bear no grudges.

The room was dark but something was pulsating, and the dark shadows darted around the walls, through the swinging and broken light fittings and like electric javelins over the cracked and damp stone floor. A thousand drips caused ripples in the patches of… something… that had gathered in the corners, in the mind. Footsteps could be heard in the distance, but then you could have sworn that they were in your imagination. At this time, at that time. You wanted to go home, and I think I had to remind you that you were home already.

Ah, yes. Party picture ol' number 7. This was from Matt's.

This is an absolutely hammered

shit_fucker. He's amazing, by the way. Keep him happy, people :)

Oh, and I was just going over

sunderance's site and I remembered how much I loved The Stand by Stephen King. So I'm setting off to find it again later tonight- it deserves another read. Although it's pretty epic, I seem to remember.

::3:: - ::x::

08:30pm 04/11/2002

music: Liquid Tension Experiment - Acid Rain

( Tell me a bit about myself...stolen from Gaz )

My man Sorrel has just gotten a livejournal. I don't know how much he's going to use it, but it's good anyway, yeah? Of course it fucking is.

mr_tylerdurden. Be nice to him.
Today I decided that the best plan of action would be to say very little to anyone and sit there with a manic grin on my face.
In fact, the two people I spoke to most were

probe and

shit_fucker- and I don't think I said much to them at all... They are lovely people though- everyone I know seems to be. And that's so beautiful I think I'm going to cry. Why am I so small...
I'd tell you about my day, but if you arrange the words on this page you'd come up with exactly the same story. *hums*

I'm going to severely hurt someone soon :D *dances*. I can't be bothered saying it again, so I won't :)
"Close your eyes and you'll be there, where the mermaids sing as they comb their hair there's a river that sings and a clover that brings good luck to you... for you..."
Jessie's song, Madonna.
Could we do something productive and shut the fuck up, liam? Thanks. Nobody's listening to you verbally fuck yourself.

::12:: - ::x::

I love my parents.

01:38am 04/11/2002

music: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras

It doesn't look like I hate my parents from these last posts, does it? Really?
Well, I don't. I love my entire family, and the distance between us is upsetting. That's the honest truth. I'd love to have the Brock relationship with my parents- tell them everything, do things with them. But they're too busy for anything other than a quick chat, and I'm too emotionally closed to say anything personal to people I barely speak to.
I can't talk about school, because I'm in trouble, and they'd just shout at me.
I can't talk about my social life, because they barely know anyone I talk to, it's boring, and anything personal gives them another problem they really don't need.
This leaves us the conversations based around topics on which we have fundamental differences in opinion, namely holidays and my future. I know they want the best for me, but we have massively different opinions on what "the best for liam" is. My father actually suggested accountancy today as a "fall-back" option for what would happen in the (likely) event that I'd be turned down for every job I applied for.
Accountancy. Liam. Okay.
But yes, I've said far too much about my parents. They're nice people, and I love them. I'm upset that the opposite may have shown through sometimes.

Liam wears glasses occasionally. for those that didn't know. Most don't.

"Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded. But I see through it all, see through, see you.
Apparently I'm nothing... nothing at all... (you don't see me)"

Liam is ridiculously happy. He's going to bounce on something. Believe that. And leave you with a lyric of his own, from the CD, still not recorded, fully written, pretty much completed, I think now. Aha. In all ways. Go liam and his fucking predictions.

"Therefore I seek not to question but to blindly trust,
Not to react but to reason why,
And not so much as to love,
Than to hope,
That some day,
All this may come true..."

Read into the Stinkfist lyrics, if you care. Try spinning on them slightly and finding another meaning.

::8:: - ::x::

06:02pm 03/11/2002

music: Julee Cruise - Falling (Twin Peaks Theme)

I just told my dad that I never argue against him, because it's pointless.
He got pissed off, so I backed down. No, it's okay. You're right, it's not pointless.
That gave me a lot of internal amusement, until he realised and yelled at me.

The conversation was not avoided, but delayed. They want me to do well at school, etc etc, don't think I'm up to a creative career, etc etc. I can see their point, I mean, I never show them anything. But safe in this knowlege they should leave me alone, and give me the respect and trust to take my life into my own hands. At the moment they take me to be some kind of semi-dead retard with no talent and no idea about his life, which is only about 7/8ths true.
Now I'm going to write my book, leaving you with a beautiful quote that shows you all what you mean to me.
Many people walk through our lives. Some people leave footprints.

Sleep easy, I'm expecting to be violently kicked off the computer in the near future, by parents who think that the best way to make me do work is to upset me. Woop. David, I'm tempted to get in my car and drive down to watch Donnie Darko with you. If I do, we both may disappear.
Do you believe in time travel?

Oh, and I showed my dad a bit of my artwork. I've decided never to show him anything again.
Come on, come on. You know I love you.

( name 4 )

Alice worked at a library. It was the only job she could really cope with after David died, hushed tones and a relaxed, ordered atmosphere she could read in, lose herself in another reality. She was still a big drinker, still walked out with tears in her eyes on most days, but at least there were some days she felt that the world was worth living in. Everyone in her town knew about her past, never talked about it. It was a hushed secret that was acknowledged by all; the strange girl at the library was like a sacred statue- horrifically beautiful, but forever out of reach.
Of course there were times that questions were asked. A child would come from her mother and sit on Alice's knee, let herself be read to as she stared in awe at the wonderful lady with the doll-like eyes. She would stay quiet until asking what it felt like. If she was okay. Alice was never resentful, but it always hurt. She answered the best she could, but she could never tell them how much it really hurt. Life was precious, she would tell them. Go home, love your family.

::6:: - ::x::

01:48am 03/11/2002

music: Dead Or Alive - You Spin Me Right Round

Today I killed my keyboard and saw a few people, including

perspex, who is the... 3rd person I've met in person directly through livejournal, and her sister, Hannah. They were both nice people. I think we killed them, though.

Drinking hot chocolate from a Bagpuss mug. Just look at my street credability rise. Watch it go there- you go girl, you go girl.
I'm only writing in size 10, so my two pages actually make up 2,000, 4% of my targeted 50,000 words. However, although it is only early in the month, the greatest amount of work should be done at the beginning whilst I'm still enthusiastic- this'd also give me some time to refine it afterwards. That means that I have a way to go before I can start my homework tomorrow... Already the plot is out of control, and I have yet to decide what's going to happen in the near future, although I have a basic idea for the fake ending that'll happen pretty soon. It's going to twist more than a slinky, seriously. Plus, it seems to be full of tiny references to philosophical ideas as little side comments, because that's the way my thought process works, and because it's being written quickly I can't censor it to make it flow beautifully.

I think it's basically a huge journal entry, without the lyrics, replacing that with a big... er... plot. I'm going to put a link to the current downloadable stage of the book on my journal, but I'm deliberately going to keep it behind a bit so I can go back and change a plot twist slightly without anyone telling me I'm inconsistent. Which I am, but shh... So watch this space, and if you're bothered then keep an eye on my journal in the next couple of days. I'm keeping the recycled bullet idea, only now it's become much more symbolic.

Bastards- I've dropped to 7th when you search for "Liam" in google. I haven't been commenting enough, I think. Either that, or they began to think it was a little weird that Liam Neeson's official sites were below me and rigged it... :) Aha, 7th, hey. The irony of it all. An amusing song. And I'm downloading some Patti Smith. Wotcha. :D
Do you like my boots? I'm not wearing any.

I really, really do love you all. I don't think I even mildly dislike any of you. I'm a bit indifferent to a couple who never post, because, obviously, I don't know you very well at all. But everyone who posts deserves more time than I can give them, and it's a little depressing. So stop existing and making me feel guilty. And I'll stop singing. Deal?

Oh yes. And fuck you. I never say that seriously, but. Yeah, try to take it seriously, even though it's not really meant that way. It's upsetting, you know. If you don't know what this is about, it's nothing to do with you :) Move on. And goodnight - sleep well. I love you.

::8:: - ::x::


		09:14pm 02/11/2002
	My dad just told me that I was "too mysterious", and that he knew I was upset about something, but he had no idea what it was. He said I had many secrets I kept from him, and, just then, as I was typing, he came in and told me that I never told either of them (my parents) anything. It's probably the nicest thing they've said to me for a while. Am I dismissive and secretive? Honestly? It upsets me that they think I don't care about them, because I do. But that doesn't mean that I can't have a life separate from them. I mean, they're nice enough people, but I can't be bothered listing names and things I did to them, because it just feels like a list to me. It feels really fake; just a forced nicety they only care about because it proves to them that they have an interest in my life. I can understand them feeling bad for knowing nothing about me or my intentions, and I regret never talking to them about anything, but this is not my fault. Sure, at the moment it's my fault, because they're asking and I'm telling them very blunt and concise answers to things, rather than completely collapsing into their arms- but how can I do that? How, after years and years of being sidelined, after the amount of time they've spent walking all over me and making me feel guilty? How, after the amount of time my father spends in Germany, and the amount of time my mother spends stressed out of her mind? When I talk to them, it's more about getting through the day than stressing them further with my own problems. It's getting worse, too. My grandmother is now in hospital, and my grandad, who is getting progressively worse, is being looked after by a sympathetic uncle. My mother is an internal wreck, but my lies are getting abstract enough not to be believed... If I tell them that I have problems, they will freak out. But if I tell them I don't, they get upset because I seem not to care about them. It's the emotional paradox- once again, by being myself, I can do nothing right. Hell, I'm happy at the moment, but how do I explain my mood over the past week, and how do I explain that the reason it all got better really quickly was that I had a near-life experience that made me see the futility of apathy and confusion, worry and regret? Simple answer - I can't. But there has to be a more complicated answer that I can find a flaw in to exploit. Being liam, I'll probably deflect them, yet again, and they will upset me. My deadline is 10.30am. I have to make some key decisions about my future and my attitude towards my parents before then. I love them, but they're pushing it. I worked out the meaning of life yesterday night whilst talking to David. Go figure :) He asked me if we were meant to ascend or something, and I think we already have. Every one of us. Look around. Life is so beautiful- where does this blood come from..?
		::5:: - ::x::

happiness, hap[pinafdasdfb

10:05pm 01/11/2002

mood: really happy!

Donnie Darko was one of the best films I've seen this year. Well acted, beautifully scripted and a good, involving plot. The direction is superb, the ideas behind it are original and carefully thought out. Furthermore, you get the added bonus of seeing Jim Cunningham (Patrick Swayze), who is the most hilariously cheesy man alive.
And it's all so beautiful.

Yes. Today many people reminded me how lucky I am to be alive, both by *actually telling me* in the case of a few MGS students, and *just by existing* in the case of Matt and Lily. Miss Crofts also talked to me for a fair amount of time about my future, and at least pretended to worry about me. I know she worries about everything, but... me? I'm not exactly worth worrying about, especially when you know how pointless it is worrying about me :D
David?
Easyinternet cafe is currently at 51p an hour, which is quite nice. I imagine it'll get cheaper as the night progresses, so I'm tempted to buy a few hours worth at around 4am or something, sit on livejournal or download something like photoshop and make my gallery...

Oh yes, I finally know what I'm doing. I was called into the office of the Head of Arts-side today, completely randomly it seemed, and waiting outside his room I had a vague suspicion that it was something to do with my recent outrageous absences... I was happy to find that this was not the case. My parents, loving, trusting fools that they are, had phoned him up and told him to sort me out, oblivious to the fact that he is even more oblivious than they are, itself a paradox.
However, I launched into the same thing I give my parents, and he said the same thing they do, only he smiled when he said it, and when I said my next line... he stopped there and just offered advice... It was great.
I'm applying for the Art Foundation year at Manchester Met, but I'm also applying for a year in as many graphics and software companies as possible, and at all costs I'm going to avoid doing the foundation year in preferance to actual work experience in the field. I shall be raping the contacts of the school art staff, and flashing as many execs as I can. If you see any confusing white stains around my -

( Poll )

Woo! David is here! I knew the guilt trip would work!!!]
Teh 1337 Gu1l7 7r1pp1n sk177z¬¬¬!!"£$

::5:: - ::x::


		02:03pm 31/10/2002
	I'd laugh my ass off but I'm not actually all that happy. Although I read the whole book of life... something... last night, with little tips on how to be happy and everything? I couldn't stop crying when it advised me to "record the laugher of my parents". I just broke down. Yeah, that's all I did last night. I still have far more work than I can possibly do for tomorrow. I'm already too tired to bother starting it, and it isn't even 2pm yet. Last night I talked to Craig about my future, and we established that I was easy to manipulate. Around about the same time, I was being yelled at for missing school and having no idea what I was doing in life. I'm 18, of course I can't make decisions. Why the hell am I going to rush into a future? I'm not opening that door until I'm pushed through- this room is beautiful enough. Oh, yes. Tonight. I'm turning up, but not drinking, and not staying very long. I'm skipping my play to say hi, then I'm going home. The amount of work I have is nothing short of epic, and I'm unsure about my predictions as it is. Yin is reading over my shoulder. Bye bye, man. Bye! :) I'd say I really needed to speak to a few of you right now, but I really, really don't. I just need a month's sleep. Poll #71982: Second Liam Poll Open to: all, results viewable to: all If you want a cheap shot at me, I'll take it seriously. View Answers
		::3:: - ::x::

01:29pm 30/10/2002

mood: This music is *special* :D

music: Lovage - Sex (I'm A)

( something or other )

I am the sick lamb. But tomorrow is a new day, and this is Lisargh's Great Day of Happiness, so I'm not allowed to think... Instead I'll use this random poetry generator on liam's journal entries to come up with crap until something profoud shows up...
http://cmdrtaco.net/poemgen.cgi?

( Read more... )
...
Dad left passport at home- now I have to drive to the airport in my weak condition, on motorways. And I need petrol.
I have less than an hour.
Bye.

2.55pm Update: It's alright, he missed his plane anyway, so I met him half-way and gave him an evil glare. He doesn't owe me as massively as I thought he might have done...
I'm ecstatic at the moment. Massively ill and emotionally tired. Far too much work to do. But this smile will never leave my face. I'm going to... er... re-learn how to play the violin. Or do stats. I am pretty convinced that going home today will reap massive discontent amongst the teaching order, but they haven't phoned me, so I guess they're going to take it out with me tomorrow...
Smile, it's good for you.
Breathe, it's even better.
...(And it brings me closer to you)...

( something for those who know me... )
And something for those that don't - in keeping with Hannah's, er, gorgeous thread, an old photo of me. I have to go one up on her and succeed her by 11 years or so, though. This was a four-year-old liam.

::11:: - ::x::

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

altruism!!!

09:29pm 29/10/2002

mood:

okay

music: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras

( I rarely do surveys... )
" 'cause there's nothing like being held "...

"YOU WOULD OVERDOSE. because of the intensity of your depression, you've built death up as the only way for you to end your pain. you're extremely pessimistic and you regularly do things that are harmful to you as a way of managing and controlling your emotions. you have a slightly unrealistic view of yourself and others, which contributes greatly to your difficulty in expressing what you feel."

Sometimes a story can be told with lyrics by someone else. I think this can be told in the form of a game, because, let's face it, it's all a fucking game at the end of the day. "Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the years of hallucinogenic drugs... I see through you"... It's all a murdergame, start something, kill it, start it, kill it. Learn to love it, but then quickly kill it away again before it loses itself- this was the original game, but now matt's evolved it, it kinda loses it's metaphor...

Good evening. Today I decided that I was ill again, so I took the advice I was going to be given and slept. No, I haven't worked. No, I don't think I will. It's terrible, but with the amount of time I've spent thinking about my future and it's lack of direction, I see literally no point. I could walk out of college with four Ds and do what? Four As and then what? What? I'm not walking anywhere, not working towards anything.

LIGHTEN UP.

I hope you have the best week you've ever had :)
This week's going to be great :) I have a play and a brief detour into a party on Thursday, and a good film on Friday. I will drag everyone out on Saturday, too, because I need you, and I'm so selfish I'm willing to inflict myself on you as much as I can, because you make my life worth something.
If you were the only person in the world would you commit suicide?
Perhaps sometimes this beauty gets at me. It's all so precious, and all so out of reach. Sure, I'm not happy at the moment, but life is still spectacular. No change here, etc. Skim read liam's post, skim read liam's post- listening to A Perfect Circle, mood is... er... Okay... go go go, happy happy bollocks bollocks. Are you breathing? *breathes*
I'M ALIVE

::8:: - ::x::


		09:23pm 28/10/2002
	That's it. All of the music I've made over the past two years has been deleted, and most of the CDs have been snapped. They remain only as a collection of ideas and melodies to be pillaged at a later date... if anyone has any mp3s of mine, could you rename them to elia alariel (demo) or (beta) ? Failing that, just delete the tag and release them as royalty free creations for free everything... dusts hands. Releasing small predators into a stable environment- things like this keep me on my toes, and stop me thinking. Perhaps, perhaps it'll encourage me to work. But I doubt it. My stats project is in for tomorrow, not Friday. This means that I will die in approximately 18 hours. Talking to Lily and Frances, and reading a conversation involving Sam Glyn and Mel. You all rock more than my words can tell you, and I'm usually good with words...
		::8:: - ::x::

If I do we both may disappear

04:24pm 27/10/2002

music: Danny Elfman - Edward Scissorhands Theme

I could listen to this theme all day. And I would spend that entire day in tears.
Earlier today I put the DVD on, and skipped to the flashback scene with Vicent Price, the inventor, making cookies. There are an array of machines on a conveyor system, all performing their tasks. He has given each machine a smiley face. One machine is dancing on the conveyor with cutting tools on his feet- making hearts and stars in the dough. The cookies then go into another machine to be cleaned and cooked.
Vincent laughs at the machines, takes a finished heart cookie from the moving belt.

Holds it up to one of the machines. Realises that he is alone.
Music.

::10:: - ::x::

12:09am 27/10/2002

mood: I'm still breathing.

music: earshot - get away

Something deep down that you should have never kept inside

Funnily, I type better with a little alcohol in my bloodstream. Yes, I've been typing bollocks and drinking good wine like cheap beer. Is this all some great big lie, sick and disturbing? You want some answers but you should have never looked inside. The fact is, I am deeply in love with a few people at the moment, in every way. I would die for a few of you, and thinking extremely clearly, I know I would. Most of you have literally no clue. You buckle down in your own lives and I'm sidelined, but like some white thief I'm lurking there in the shadows, plainly obvious but easily overlooked. Waiting for the bullet I can jump in front of.
I am not worthy of love or respect, I spend my life creating and waiting to be destroyed. Coming ever so close to throwing it all away again.
A lot of you are getting paranoid, I'm getting paranoid. But you are about to be betrayed in the opposite way. I would crucify myself for your sins if I wanted to be compared to Christ. But I don't. Instead, I will sit here and hope that eventually someone uses me as I have been used before. You stay all in one piece unbroken. And eventually I will come for you.
Is this all some great big lie? It just isn't working. I truly believe it isn't, but we'll have to see when the shots are fired. Through the worst encounters. I will fight for peace and silence, but you should have never looked inside. Please don't look inside this- don't tell me what you think I am before I am no more. You cannot define something that hasn't defined itself. How much must I live through? Fragile, too fragile for this world. Wouldn't it be easier to get away? Perhaps. But I want to stay here and listen to you breathe.
Listen to you breathe.
I reach but you disappear.
These tears become me.
All this tension vanishes. All of a sudden life is not only worth living, but what it was again. Not a deranged lust for life that consumes all petty fears and distresses, but an overbearing philosophy that kills anger and pain, sending you spiralling into that white light that accepts and never lets go. I will never forget my mistakes, I will never forgive myself. But I know that somewhere, somehow, someone else will. I know that I am hated, but I am not so self-obsessed to forget that people out there hold me dear. I truly appreciate what people feel for me, and although I doubt it is deserved, I won't argue.
I'm something deep down that you should have never kept inside. But you keep me there. And I, like a tapeworm, will love and feed off you until I am cured.

tapeworm - pharmapsychological (let me take you on a trip)

People are dying all over the place. Suicides, cancer, broken organs and emotions. I am reborn every day. Every fucking day. But remember that this goes for you, too. We are blind to the worlds within us, waiting to be born. Every day you are a new person. Every fucking day you will live and die. Make every day your last. end on a high, because eventually you will dive. And you want to drop well. Plunge on the back of a thousand dying dreams, surfing the stars and echoes of failure. You will never do these things you have never done again. You have thoughts of peace and silence.
I'm coming so close to throwing this all away again. How much must I live through? Sometimes it seems easier to burn into the ground.

I feel so alive. Today I lived. I am alive. Sometimes I forget this is a good thing. Next time I do, quote me. And if sometimes I feel that I'm dying through living, I'm not as important as I have been told. Life, I am what I make you. I must give you all I can.

::1:: - ::x::

06:53am 26/10/2002

music: elia alariel - waking up the giant

Today I did little. I got home from David's and proceeded to sit about and consider doing work. I'm currently making art and drum patterns for pleasure. Go figure. I also have an overwhelming desire to be Dave McKean. Damn that man for being amazing and doing all the good ideas first.
~~Tomorrow~~ Today I'm going into Manchester and sitting in Piccadilly Gardens. If you're in Manchester and you've never met me before, it might be a good opportunity, because I'll just be there pretending to work for a fair amount of time. If I know you, there's literally no excuse not to visit me. Oh, it's almost 7.00am. That makes me a silly bastard.

( I also made a rather disturbing picture entitled DOLL )

Quadnet is officially a side project with the birth of "Waking Up The Giant", which was inspired by ranting on msn to Jamie while he was asleep. It's going to be the introduction to the CD when I'm finished, because as a track it's drum and vocals driven, the guitar only humming in the background to show that at any point it *could* attack. It's going to launch into a searing euphoric mess if I have my way with it.
Waking up the giant....This feeling, this intuition, this vision I deal with- I see you life falling away, and there's nothing I can do

::3:: - ::x::

-marking the end of the new beginning-

09:29pm 25/10/2002

mood: I keep forgetting

music: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras

I'm not who I used to be.

( a little more detail needed )

::9:: - ::x::