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[04 Aug 2003|11:08pm] |
There was an amazing thunderstorm this morning at about seven a.m. Or so. It woke me up. I love thunderstorms, when I am not trapped in them.
I set up my (new) computer for school. Its really quite nice. Except, I don't have a floppy drive. My father ordered me one. I should get it by Friday or so.
My mother wants to go to Maine this summer (or what’s left of it). She, my sister, and my grandmother. I'm sure if I would want to go or not. It sounds nice. But at the same time. I want to travel and explore new places and all of that jazz.
I think I am going to start working on a second poetry collection. But then again, I have about eight other ideas right now. And the poetry collection would really be just me compiling together writing I already have. I got an idea for a screen play a little while ago. I am not exactly sure how to start. Or where it would start.
It is so easy for me to start something rather than finish it. (that is the story of my life.)
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| on writing. |
[31 Jul 2003|12:49am] |
Writing is something that has become a part of me in a relatively short time. I've only been very serious about writing since freshman year of high school. For some writers, thats considered not very long. But, anyway.
I noticed that most people seem to draw on real experiences most of the time in their writing. And for me, most of the time, what I write is a complete figment of my imagination. Maybe I just always do things in reverse?
I do write about my experiences, relationships, memories, adventures, whatever...I just find that most of my writing, in general, isn't about anything I have dealt with. Especially my poems, granted there are a nice chunk that are about my life, but the rest is fiction.
I want my writing to be more about me, my life, my feelings. But I can't help but be drawn to an imaginary world when I can write about anything. This is hard to explain. I don't even know if I am making any sense at all.
What is even more ironic, is that since I'm so fictious with my poetry, yet, I have a horrible time with writing lengthy fiction. I often find that I can't carry the piece for a long time. I either become bored with it, forget about it, or think it can't go anywhere.
on a side note: I just got the rest of the braces put on my bottom teeth today. It hurts awfully, but I should be okay by tomorrow. (I hope, I've been downing pain medication like water.)
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| i remember driving with no headlights. |
[28 Jul 2003|10:46pm] |
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music |
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the walkmen (go and get their album.) |
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I am going to Pennsylvania tomorrow, for the wake. I know I am not going to enjoy it very much. Does anyone, ever? It is about a two hour drive. Maybe I should buy a cd or two tomorrow. I need some more music to kill some time. I am going to leave tomorrow by three and I should be back home by eleven or so.
I started reading The Plague which is really wonderful, but I am putting it on hold. I am going to finish reading all of the books I have to read for Purchase first. I need to get them out of the way. I started reading Bad Haircut which is alright. I'm about a hundred pages into it. I'll probably finish it tomorrow.
I have been thinking about college a lot lately. I really want a fresh, clean start. I mean I know I will be getting one. I like how basically no one in my high school is going to Purchase (with the exception of Shanna). It is so refreshing. I mean, I know there will probably be some people who will get on my nerves as much as some people in high school did. But thats always expected though, right?
I'm very excited about starting school. I really hope I meet a bunch of interesting, good people.
I need to move my web site soon. My host will be closing down. As lovely as heart-shaped.net is, it is closing down. I am a little sad over it, Judi is such a wonderful host (and a lovely friend at that.)
(The pictures down there are pictures of me and eric, and some of me.)
( pictures )
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| revenge wears no wristwatch. |
[27 Jul 2003|12:02am] |
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As mentioned before, I spent Friday and (some of) Saturday with Eric. He left my house around one or so. I had a great time with him. Just talking to him is so wonderful.
Later on we saw Pirates Of the Caribbean which was actually good. I really like Johnny Depp. He's a great and also interesting actor. Before the movie, Eric and I wandered around Best Buy and Barnes and Noble's. I saw a plethora of books and albums that I could not buy (as usual). I miss him already. I'm sure this probably sounds silly and trivial to anyone else who's ever been in an amazing relationship with someone they love. I just love spending time with him.
I watched Run Lola Run today, which is just amazing. I have never seen it before until today. I loved it. I think I am going to buy my own copy later (I'm borrowing this one from Eric.)
I found out my Uncle Dick died today. I've met him before, but I only remember talking to him once. He had brain cancer. I feel bad that he had to go through that, but I never really knew him or most of my other family members of my grandmother's (paternal side) relatives. It just seems like everyone is dying lately.
I also got my computer delived the other day. I got the 300S model. I don't know what it is like yet, all of it is still in the boxes in my living room.
( interview )
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[26 Jul 2003|01:10am] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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Eric is here. I am having a blast with him. He is super lovely. He's the best boy in the universe <3<3<3
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| doesn't take much to rip us into pieces. |
[23 Jul 2003|01:19am] |
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music |
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tori amos - little earthquakes |
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I feel so here, so alive. I can't really explain it. Like I'm feeling things. I sound messed up right now. I think I'm just having one of those stupid teenage infinite moments. Just like in The Perks Of Being A Wallflower when Charlie was talking about feeling so infinite and so alive when he put his arms out in the tunnel.
Maybe I also feel this way since I'm going to college and all of that life changing jazz. At least, everyone I come across tells me that. I've also been listening to Tori Amos a lot lately. I don't know why, I think she is fabulous and all. I've really been listening to her song "Little Earthquakes".
I started subimitting some of my writing to literary magazines. So we'll see where that goes.
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| my keyboard is on fire! |
[18 Jul 2003|01:18am] |
...Not really. I started writing a little bit again. I'm working on a short story. It might go somewhere, it might not. Who knows.
I had some allergies today, nothing major. I felt not right for most of the day. My eyes were watery and my nose was running and clogged. I remembered that I was allergic to dust, I was actually cleaning (!).
My mother brought up again if I wanted to be on medication again. She still thinks I have mood swings. We had a fight the other night. About the usual things, but everything is resolved now. I hate fighting though, with anyone. Not just my mother.
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| it's okay, i'm a saint. i forgave your mistakes. |
[14 Jul 2003|11:15pm] |
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music |
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trail of dead - relative ways. |
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I like buying new things for my dorm room. It makes me feel like college is coming sooner. I think that makes me sound a bit stupid or shallow. I ended up buying quite a few things I needed: comforter, desk lamp, waste basket, etc.
Tomorrow is Kim's birthday party, so that should be a lot of fun. I hope so. I don't like staying in all of the time. I went to Linens N' Things (where I bought some of my dorm stuff) and I saw Danika. It was neat, as always.
I'm kind of annoyed my job hunt came up unsuccessful this summer. I thought I would find something. Oh well. There's always next summer. I think I might have to end up doing a work/study program at school eventually to help pay for my books and what not.
I have fallen in love with And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead. They're super neat.
p.s.: for the lovely Miss Sarah Louise ( miery), Soylent Green is People!
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| public service announcement. |
[14 Jul 2003|12:41am] |
Eric Szyszka owns my heart. Really.
- - -
( now for the drivel )
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[13 Jul 2003|12:42am] |
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music |
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that new interpol song in my head. |
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I probably intended to post something meaningful in here, but that isn't going to work out. I applied for another job again. At nordstorm's (what is with me and high end retail). But like every other job, I know I won't get it.
Maybe I should just give up and surrender my integrity and apply to Pathmark.
And I'm really missing Eric. I miss holding his hands a lot. I miss it when we would just aimlessly walk around and talk. I miss his voice and the way his hair feels against my fingertips.
I feel rather sloth-like lately, which is expected in the summer. Its starting to really get to me, though.
I still can't concentrate on my fiction right away. I just keep putting it off. I'm still writing poems and all. So I'm not entirely complaining. I would rather be like this, than have nothing to write at all. But then again, I could write more if I wasn't so lazy. I just put things off and off.
I want to work on my art more, too. I feel like that Andy Warhol quote: "I want to be a machine."
I want to be a machine.
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| this is what it feels like to be uncreative. |
[07 Jul 2003|11:51pm] |
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mood |
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in a dry spell. |
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I can't seem to get into any of the (quite a few) longer pieces I've started writing. I've been writing poems/vignettes left and right. It seems when I try to get into something, it won't happen. But if I don't think about it, something happens. I can't explain it.
I also feel less creative in the summer. I always feel like I'll be more creative since I'll have more time. I just get lazy. In truth, I actually get more done during school. I think it is because I feel pressure to an extent, feel more motivated and am around more people.
I need to get some inspiration/be creative. I should go on a trip or something. Away from here.
I was talking about all of this with Eric today. And we both said the same things, about how if we don't create we just feel useless. I guess you could say I feel half useless, then. But, I would really like to get some incentive to finish a novel. I mean, I have a collection (a meager one, at that) of poetry and vignettes. But, I'd to do some fiction, one day.
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| Ever get the feeling you've been cheated? |
[06 Jul 2003|11:24pm] |
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Okay, so I was supposed to be going downtown tomorrow. Key phrase: Supposed to. But then again my parents suddenly decide I am not "ready" to go on such a "big" trip with me and Danika (and whomever else might come.)
It annoys me that they will go along with an idea and seem really open to it. And then all of a sudden they will give me this utter junk about it. And its not really that. Its how they do it. To them I magically become things like stupid, naive and a push over.
Apparently to them (mostly my mother does all of the bitching) I'm going to be a push over in college. All of these people are just going to walk all over me. I hate it. I don't believe them sometimes. I eventually do. I'm sorry I'm so fucking pathetic. I hate it that I let them get to me and that I believe them.
My mom has been doing this a lot lately. Its obvious, she doesn't want me to go away. I want to go away, I want to get out. I'm sick of looking at her and always being so fucking annoying. And its not just that, I'd rather go through a long period of time without hearing that I'm stupid and I can't properly function. I can function just fine, thank you.
When I get all of this from them it just makes me want to go to college sooner. I know I really won't be going home on the weekends. I certainly don't want to.
I hate how my mother is inconsiderate and tells me I can't go at practically the eleventh hour. If she did all of this yesterday, maybe I wouldn't care so much.
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| with your head in the clouds. |
[05 Jul 2003|10:42pm] |
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music |
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depeche mode - useless |
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Levi6son: you're so warholian
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I saw 28 Days Later again with Danika [galaxyfox]. It was good, even the second time around. Its beginning to be dreadfully hot outside again. My dad put the air conditioners up in our house. So now I'm living in an icebox.
I was actually debating on putting on a sweater before. Maybe I really am crazy.
I'm on a Depeche Mode kick lately. I've been listening to them like mad. On a side note, summer is quite dull and bland. I want to move into my dorm room tomorrow. Speaking of my dorm room, I'm really curious as to who my room mate is. I have no idea when I'm supposed to find out who she is, either. The only thing I know about her is that she will be in the Media and Literature Learning Community, too.
An old friend of my grandfather's gave me a phone number of a girl who will be going to Suny Purchase. I would call but I feel really weird calling up. Since I would have to say something along the lines of: "Hi, you don't know me but your dad used to know my grandfather before he died five years ago...."
And that just sounds kind of stupid. Considering I have usually an extremely hard time talking about my grandfather for some reason. Around my friends, I don't really have a problem. I guess since I've already opened up to them. I think its just hard for me to talk about things like that around people I am in a slightly awkward situation wtih.
I feel bad because I said I would call and I'm not going to.
However, completely unrelated, I am going downtown on Monday with Danika. So it should be slinkster cool (in the words of Weetzie Bat).
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| Her head has no room. |
[03 Jul 2003|11:29pm] |
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music |
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the pixies - is she weird? |
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I went to Border’s Books in Mt. Kisco today. I was looking for Vertigo, but I found out it is out of print. I guess I’ll just buy the book from amazon.com. I remember my professor also mentioned buying it from The Feminist Press online. I should try that, too.
Some people looked at me funny when I was reading Bitch magazine. It is a nifty magazine. I should actually buy it sometime instead of just always reading it in the store. But I’m notorious for doing that with magazines and books.
I finished reading 1984, what a marvelous book. I need to read some more good books. They make me feel different, but different in a good way. Its hard to explain. I really like the idea of it and the way the book just flowed. At the same time I found the book deeply depressing. It was just such a bleak existence. It gave me the feeling that living would just be without a purpose.
On another note. I need to go out and get some things done. So here’s a list, mostly just for my purposes:
1. Get some kick ass sunglasses. Yes, they must be kick ass.
2. Get a haircut/new hairdo. I can never have long hair for very long. But then again, I love it at the same time. I’m such a nut.
3. Start exercising.
4. Buy all of the things I need for college in the fall.
5. Get a new computer.
6. New music is essential for living. I need some new albums.
7. Look into seeing the White Stripes later this month.
8. Buy a digital camera and attempt to learn the art of photography.
9. Start a band. (I’ve been saying this one for about four years now.)
10. Go on adventures and write about them in this thing.
11. Buy some ties. Ties are fun.
12. Finish all of those novels and random writings I have laying around my room and my head.
13. Start a screen play. I’ve always meant to, but never did.
14. Make some more art.
15. And, finally, buy some way neat novels.
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| Big Brother Is Watching. |
[30 Jun 2003|11:37pm] |
I haven't posted my usual drivel mixed with diatribes lately. On Saturday, I went to this nifty 1980's themed party at Liz's house. It was really nice. I didn't dress 80's (I was wearing a camoflauge skirt and a black shirt) since all of the 80's stuff I have is more geared for winter/fall. And I have four bug bites. Now I'm really dying to listen to Duran Duran and Depeche Mode some more.
I saw Eric yesterday. It felt like it took forever to see him and then he is gone just like that. I care about him so much. He's wonderful. Also, yesterday was my graduation party. I had loads of fun with my friends and my lovely boyfriend. I also got some pretty gifts and obviously, lots of money. So now I can buy my computer for college. It was really nice.
Some people gave me really generous gifts, as in a lot of money. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve things like that. Maybe I feel like I'm not really a good person sometimes. Other times I think I am.
After my party, Eric and I went to see "28 Days Later" it was good. But we were a little late. I felt bad that we missed some of the movie. It was interesting and I didn't think I would like it too much.
I want to write, but I'm feeling uninspirational again lately. I don't know why. Part of me wants to force myself to write but I don't want it to sound stupid. But a lot of times if I don't force myself to write I don't get whatever project I'm working on done. I think also my laziness contributes to this factor. But I think this lovely new book I'm reading will change things a little bit. Eric let me borrow 1984 the other day. It is really fascinating. Maybe I'm being a bit pretentious in saying that, oh well. I really do enjoy it.
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| memoirs of a failure. |
[26 Jun 2003|09:52pm] |
I failed my road test. For the third time. I'm so disappointed in myself. Ugh. I feel like I always let everyone down sometimes. I only failed the test by five points. I hit the curb, again. (Am I sensing a pattern here?)
I'm annoyed at myself. I feel like I have to get my liscense right now. Mostly due to my mom. I don't know anymore. I know I'm a good driver. Why do I have to mess up when I take the test?
Other than that, I have an interview tomorrow. I would rather not work at Stew Leonard's. Considering it seems like the land of former (and present) Victory girls and as well as other undesirable things.
I need to get out more and stop feeling so sorry for myself sometimes. I know I failed the test. It was my fault. I can and should practice more. But I'm lazy which is definitely an unappealing trait about me.
Other than that, I've been having this weird back pain for the past few days. It went away now. It felt like I pulled a muscle or something. I hope it stays away.
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| Don't leave me high. Don't leave me dry. |
[25 Jun 2003|12:36am] |
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mood |
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nervous messed up marionette. |
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music |
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radiohead - high and dry (in my head still) |
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I just made a new layout. If any of you darlings have a web site and want to be linked (and link me in return.) I'd love to add you to my site.
I drove my grandmother's car today and I did quite well. She has a small black Nissan. She said I can use it for my road test on Thursday. Ugh. I'm kind of dreading it still. I have to go to the DMV tomorrow to pay for a test. Lovely. I hate that place.
I do have some confidence. I'm going to practice more tomorrow. I really hope I pass. I hate failing. But then again, do I pass much? (I'm speaking in general terms.)
I am nervous about my job interview on Friday. I know, most likely I will get it. But still. It is easy to think you will get something and you won't. My life is based upon that fact. It would be nice to have a job. I'm sure it sounds a whole lot nicer in my head than it actually is. Bagging groceries isn't exactly glamorous. But then again, most minimum wage jobs aren't. And I really need the money.
I'm only going to work for the summer. I might do a work/study program at school in the fall. Most likely not since I am impeccably lazy and love my free time to death.
I have had Radiohead's "High and Dry" in my head all day. Its a really nice song. I just find that when I have a song in my head its not the whole song, or most of the song. Its just a line or part of the chorus. Speaking of Radiohead, I really want to get my hands on their new album. I've wanted it really badly ever since I listened to "A Wold At The Door" (Is that the correct name? I know its track seven.) at the bookstore. Its one of the best songs I've ever heard. Maybe I'm over dramatizing.
P.S. Trail of Dead's "Source and Tag Codes" album is amazing.
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| Working Girl. |
[23 Jun 2003|11:10pm] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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My search for what seemed to be a nonexistent job might be over. I have a job interview on Friday at 10:30 a.m. at Stew Leonard's. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if I get the job I'll be a grocery bagger/cashier. Lovely. It is a bit weird since I used to think I would rather die than work in Stew Leonard's.
My mother is friends with the manager there, so thats how I scored the interview. Since otherwise, I have no references nor working experience. I'm pretty much lost cause when it comes to finding a job.
And on Thursday, I have my road test. I'm still unusually nervous. I drove a lot today, I did good in general. Part of me is starting to give up driving in general. I guess because I have unrealistic dreams of living in Manhattan (or any other large, slinkster city) and would not really need a car. There's a small chance I will have a car next semester. But I most likely will not need it since I will be close to home there is also public transportation such as the train, or even (gag) the bus.
On Sunday I'm having a graduation party and I get to see my darling Eric. I miss him like crazy. I miss so much about him. I know this probably just seems like sappy, romantic drivel to everyone else, but whatever. I miss his smell and the way his hands fit around mine.
I finished my first book last night. Its not a novel, but a collection of poetry and vignettes. I should probably go back and edit it later. To me, the book reeks of teenage angst. But maybe thats because I know what some of the works were inspired by. Who knows. I know I'm also extremely hard on myself.
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| it's o.k., i'm a saint. i forgave your mistakes. |
[21 Jun 2003|12:01am] |
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music |
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trail of the dead. |
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I got into a fight with my Mom and grandmother this morning/afternoon. Things like that are always less than pleasant. But everything is fixed now. Why is it always so hard for me to admit something is my fault when it comes to arguing with my Mom?
I sent my poems to a publishing house the other day (Ludlow Press). So, I'll see how that goes. If they decided to publish some of my poems, they will only publish them online. But I still get to say I've been published before by them. So it would work out in my favor. I was thinking of sending a manuscript to them of one of my novels (when it is completed). I think they would publish it, but I wouldn't have an editor. Its not a big publishing house, I guess you could say an independent one.
It'd be nice to be published, but I think there's a few more places I could send my writing out to. Mostly literary magazines since publishers won't publish me unless I have something in print before. Its hard since I'm young, which is ironic since the market/business seems to want to sign young writers lately.
I have to finish a story I'm working on. Its called Fade To Black I'm really getting into it. I'm just getting rather lazy about it. I think I have a lot of promise in it. I actually ended up telling my Mom about it. Not the whole story, since for some reason I never really talk about my writing or art with her. I feel kind of bad since I know I'm shutting her out. I think that hurts her.
I did some art today. I hadn't done any since I got out of school. I had tons of charcoal all over my hands. And then I accidentally touched my face. Haha. It was great.
My Mom asked me something weird today. She asked me if I'm really depressed and if I want to be put on medication. She says that she thinks I go through mood swings.
I'm not annoyed by it, since my Mom is on Paxil (anxiety) and has been in therapy. So I know she cares. But its weird. Do I act like that? Or do I give people that impression? I don't know.
I remember when she took my sister and I took to therapy because we fought a lot. She thought something was wrong with us. It was kind of funny but I didn't like the therapist. I remember her giving me this mean vibe. So I just kind of stayed really quiet the whole time.
I feel okay, for the most part. I don't feel like I go those these giant mood swings. Maybe I just take stuff out on my Mom sometimes when I shouldn't.
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| Fall 2003 course schedule |
[18 Jun 2003|12:36pm] |
Monday
3:00 - 4:20 pm - Culture And Society In The West 1
Tuesday
10:30 am - 11:50 am - College Writing
12:00 - 1:20 pm - Introduction To Philosophy
3:00 - 4:20 pm - Psychology Of Stereotypes
Wednesday
3:00 - 4:20 pm - Culture And Society In The West 1
Thursday
10:30 am - 11:50 am - College Writing
12:00 - 1:20 pm - Introduction To Philosophy
3:00 - 4:20 pm - Psychology Of Stereotypes
I don't have any classes on Fridays. My Tuesdays and Thursdays are heavy days, but I think I'll do well. I have to call up or e-mail someone at Purchase about this, when I received my schedule, the time for Introduction to Philosophy (as well as place and room) was listed as the same for my College Writing class. I know the real time for my philosophy class, just not the room.
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