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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
logan's LiveJournal:
| Saturday, September 27th, 2003 | |
| 2:28 pm | Please...forgive me...for I know what I am about to do is wrong... |
| Sunday, September 14th, 2003 | |
| 9:15 pm | Again, I find myself at a turning point in my life. I have been sick for the past week, deathly sick, almost hospital sick, but I am better now. Strange for me to miss a week of work, if that tells you how sick I've been. I feel tormented, cheated, betrayed and alone. Who do I feel is my tormentor, my betrayer? None other than myself. I think I've come to realize that now. Even though I thought I had come to terms with myself, I have found that I have not. I'm starting to hide again, behind the computer screen, behind an online name, behind a mask that becomes a keyboard, a modem, and a late night chat session, funny, how the past repeats itself. This time it's different, I'm older, to old for this game. Older, but not wiser I guess. I guess it is a part of me that will never change, the online world... its so different than when I first begun. Case in point: I guess out of bordem this week, I logged onto the Yahoo chat rooms. WOW, again I say WOW, it seems no one is there just to chat anymore. I felt like I was reading the personal ads in the sleazy weekly newspaper. CUTE GUY LOOKING TO HOOK UP WITH CUTE GIRL... CUTE GIRL WITH NOSE PERICED LOOKING FOR SAME So that's what its all been reduced to...porn porn porn, and easy sex. I think that sums it up of what the internet has done to my beloved online world. Online world..and the internet...aren't they one and the same, you ask? No, any fool thats been around will tell you the online world came first, then the internet and then the World Wide Web. The online world consisted of BBS's and if you don't know what those are, you used a Terminal program and a modem to dial mostly local phone numbers and used email and usenet thru things like Fidonet, Vnet and a slew of others that have adapted or died a horrible undeserving death. The online world, with its door games such as Legend of The Red Dragon, TradeWars, and Pimp Wars, was were it was at, no fancy graphics, no gimmicks. And friends, well, that is where I made my friends, late night, local chat rooms, when Jolt cola was comsumed and Doritos was the choice of snacks. A world were conversations were more than just about sex and porn. We talked about real life issues, things of intrest. Ok, maybe there were a few times when things were unruly, but hell it was fun. But then came the internet and all that closeness went away. Sure there were other factors invovled..like growing up, but I just want to blame the internet for something and right now this is what Im doing. this world, these times, they are a changing...and I guess we must change along with it. to survive, to live...to understand. But we have the memories of when all the technology was fresh and new...fresh young minds... |
| Thursday, September 11th, 2003 | |
| 11:07 pm | I've never understood what draws ppl together to become friends. To me it is one of lifes greatest mysteries. I know who my friends are...my real, true friends...but I can't remember how we met. That seem odd? I am going to try to start posting again here. I miss posting here, I miss alot of things. I miss people, some more than others. Time Its all we have that something that doesn't last forever A dream, nothing more, nothing less a vision of reality, as though it was none Thunder, waves of water washing over the sand Time ever lasting till the end |
| Wednesday, August 13th, 2003 | |
| 9:50 am | Have you ever had that feeling like you dropped off the face of the earth? Thats how I feel. I have had a book published! Its all poetry and one verison is ready to purchase, but I am thinking about changing the cover of the book. Not much to tell I guess...I just work and work and work...thats about it. |
| Tuesday, March 11th, 2003 | |
| 1:49 am | Oh what an interesting time. There are some people that believe I do not support my cousin and his decision to get married so quickly. And since I can not talk to him, message him online, and he doesnt appear to be taking my phone calls, I will post here. Insert Drama here I do not understand where the view that i do not support him comes from. When he told me he was planning on getting married, I was happy for him. When I found out that they pushed the date up I was shocked. I learned that the date was pushed up, not from him, but from a post on a website, my website. Would have been nice to tell me such little details to my face, but thats ok. Now I am being chastized becuase i have voiced my opnion of someone getting married within six months of meeting someone. I can deal with that, if this is what makes someone happy, then go for it. I have been accused of posting negitive things in this journal about her and posting things in a private forum on my website. Both things i have NOT done. And yet, a 3rd party friend is telling me to say that I am sorry. I will not say Im sorry for something I have not done, a small thing about my own integrity. All in all, if I knew what I am suppose to be sorry for in this whole mess, I would rather quickly apologize and get the whole sorted crap out of the way. Im sure everything is just a misunderstanding.. which could be on my part, or the parts of others, or a combination of both. Understand this, I might find my cousins actions foolish and crazy, I do support him, and I rank him as a friend and not a family member. Friends are closer to me than family. Love is crazy, and foolish, and that is prolly what will make the marriage work, and besides, I look forward to hearing the patter of little Bob feet running around the house. The words I'm sorry don't mean much when you are not sure what you are apologizing for, but at this point I am at a loss of what I should say Im sorry for... so Im sorry, you fill in the blanks. Ive been here, only a message, a phone call away. Granted, work has kept me very busy, but Im still here...waiting |
| Tuesday, March 4th, 2003 | |
| 8:39 am | Rolling thoughts I'm keeping my mouth shut about something a dear friend is doing that is not only crazy but stupid. Mainly because he won't listen to reasoning, and secondingly, its his life, he can fuck it up if he wants. In other news, Ive been without my meds for about 3 weeks now. Im just ready to sleep..and since I don't have the balls to kill myself, I am hoping that the stress and smoking 2 packs of cloves a day will speed the dying phase up a bit. I was going in the hospital this week for some tests, but have decided not to worry about them right now. Maybe next month, I just don't feel like being poked and probed that way anymore. It would also seem that I have been avoiding a close friend like some kind of virus. I don't know what it is. parlty to blame is work, another is the fact that I don't feel like being around ppl, and have forced myself to hang out the last few times Ive gone to meet friends. I miss him, I really do. I miss several people really. I still miss Micheal, silly me I guess. I really miss Matt, silly me, I listened to my friends when they told me I should stay away, from both of them. Ive always thought love is blind, and thats the reason I would listen to my friends on the subject, because I thought my judgement was hendered because of the heart. Now Im being told by the same friend that told me to stay away, that I should fuck my friends and do what I want. Of course its to late to fight for Matt, bah... I really fucked up money wise this past month, as I normally do when I start making good money. Its one of the reasons Im not doing my meds. Plus the fact that i refuse to cancel a credit card I loaned to a friend to help him, just call me a sugar daddy. I am reminded of song lyrics now. and so I ask myself do I love you so much, that I am willing to let you go, and on the tip of my tounge the answer is yes, but at the bottom of my heart Im asking did I say that? |
| Tuesday, February 25th, 2003 | |
| 8:15 am | I think it is time to bring an end to this journal. I hardly post in it, and now I am afraid to post anymore. I have been tired of just posting what seemingly is the same thing over and over. it gets old. Who knows what the future may bring. I am also thinking of taking down the loganite website. no one posts there and I could save the money. Im ready for a change now. Maybe its time for me to sleep. I will reformat all my computers before I sleep...no back ups...loose every word I have written. Sleep, its a good thing. Runner's sought renewal at age 30, maybe I have over stayed my time. Things will survive after I sleep. Soon...sleep Deciding to move to the Undiscovered Country |
| Monday, February 24th, 2003 | |
| 6:16 am | I will not get myself in trouble by posting how I really feel. I will not get myself in trouble by posting how I really feel. I will not get myself in trouble by posting how I really feel. I will not get myself in trouble by posting how I really feel. I will not get myself in trouble by posting how I really feel. I will not get myself in trouble by posting how I really feel. I will not get myself in trouble by posting how I really feel. I will not get myself in trouble by posting how I really feel. I will not get myself in trouble by posting how I really feel. |
| Friday, February 21st, 2003 | |
| 12:21 am | Well, my birthday was celebrated in my old fashion way Alone. I had dinner alone, and I cut my cake by myself. It was kinda a testement about my personal life. I seemingly can not find someone to enjoy life with. Anyone I want to, dont want to and my friends don't like the people i choose, so I live a life alone. But I guess that is the way it will be. Not much going on in my life, as normal. I work, sleep and work. I quit taking my meds again. no reason. blah nothing to write about, Im just a boring fuck |
| Saturday, January 25th, 2003 | |
| 6:20 pm | Ich lag über Sein nicht krank. Ich sagte mich war ok..but thats nicht wirklich der Fall. Well, its been over a month since I posted to this journal. I will be opening a can of worms with this post, because I told everyone that my health was ok, which is not the case, but I put myself on the back burner as there are to many things going on for me to be to concerned about myself I found a song that now best describes my relationship with Matt, or the lack thereof..it is Meatloaf’s newest song. “Did I Say That?” and it explains how I feel at the moment about Matt. Im letting go, and its one of the hardest things I am doing at the moment, besides planning my mothers funeral. With everything that’s going on, I am amazed that I am currently happy. Matt is in jail, and I find that I don’t care. That’s cruel I know, as I said I loved him. Notice I said, LOVED, I don’t think I do anymore, or maybe I never did. Work is going, as well as can be I guess. There really isn’t anything in my life to talk about, other than Matt, and for some reason after hearing that song, I now know what I must do about him..forget about him. I will never be what he wants, I can never be what he needs, no matter how I cry, I have to set my mind free |
| Saturday, December 21st, 2002 | |
| 4:26 pm | So is it really worth the pain and anger Im putting myself thru? What is it, why do I do it..Who really knows. Work is work, and thats all I can say. Life is nothing more than an empty shell. I thought something great would happen, but I realize that is all just a dream. A dream, so sweet and simple, yet profound. A wonder of images, that gets thrown to the ground, by the rising sun, if only the darkness could remain, that is where I feel the most peace, in the blackness of the night. It covers so much, it allows me to sin. A year left? So the doctor says, could be more, could be less. still waiting on some tests. I guess I should not worry about ever finding love, soon there will be no time, just enough to wait. I will not take it laying down, I will fight this as long as it takes, but simply, I want to give up this will to live..I want to bow out gracefully, not be torn to the ground. for when the time comes, my face will be lifted to the heavens, so I may see that which i will never have. Lasting peace shall come, only when the last breath I take |
| Thursday, December 5th, 2002 | |
| 1:55 am | and over time, wounds heal, memory fades, yet the darkness will remain. hidden in the soul of man, the tiniest of breath lay wasted in the sand. History in the making, past becomes present, the joyless live bound in sin. Wonders do cease, the victory does cry, like a wounded enemy it returns home to die. over time, wounds heal, memory fades, and yet the darkness remains |
| Saturday, November 30th, 2002 | |
| 8:16 am | READ 'EM AND WEEP I've been trying for hours just to think of what exactly to say I thought I'd leave you with a letter or firey speech Like when an actor makes an exit at the end of a play And I've been dying for hours trying to fill up all the holes with some sense I'd like to know how you faded and you threw it away I'd like to give you all the reasons and what everything meant Well I could tell you good-bye or maybe see you around With just a touch of a sarcastic thanks We started out with a bang and at the top of the world Now the guns are exhausted and the bullets are blanks And everything's blank If I could only find the words then I would write it all down If I could only find a voice I would speak Oh it's there in my eyes so can't you see me tonight C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep If I could only find the words then I would write it all down If I could only find a voice I would speak Oh it's there in my eyes so can't you see me tonight C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep I've been whispering softly Trying to build a cry up to a scream We let the past slip away And put the future on hold Now the present is nothing but a hollowed out dream And I've been dying for hours trying to fill up all the holes with some sense I'd like to know why you faded and you threw it away I'd like to give you all the reasons and what everything meant Well I could tell you good-bye or maybe see you around With just a touch of a sarcastic thanks But now the rooms are all empty and the candles are dark The guns are exhausted and the bullets are blanks And everything's blank If I could only find the words then I would write it all down If I could only find a voice I would speak Oh it's there in my eyes so can't you see me tonight C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep It's there in my eyes and coming straight from my heart It's running silent and angry and deep It's there in my eyes and it's all I can say C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep Read 'em and weep - For all the hours we'll be spending alone Read 'em and weep - For the dreams we'll ignore Running silent and deep - And all those promises we promised to keep They won't be kept anymore Read 'em and weep - For the magic that our bodies had made Read 'em and weep - For the blood that we lost Running silent and deep - And all the secrets that we somehow betrayed For whatever the cost Read 'em and weep - For the memories still alive in the bed Read 'em and weep - For the lies we believed Running silent and deep - And all the things that can never be said C'mon and look at me and read 'em and weep Why don't you look at me and read 'em and weep It's there in my eyes and coming straight from my heart It's running silent and angry and deep But it's here in my eyes and it's all I can say C'mon look at me and read 'em and weep |
| Friday, November 29th, 2002 | |
| 10:40 pm | I want to scream...to shout...I want to let loose and cry like a baby...but...I can't...I won't/ Its the same story, over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over over and over and over and over and over and over again. If I had the guts I would go ahead and blow my brains out. I stood on a bridge this after noon, over the rail..tempting myself to jump, wanting myself to jump really... I can't talk to anyone..I have withdrawn back into my world, pushed everyone away..If only I could just see him one time, if Only he would say something to me...I think I can deal with the fact he doesnt want to be with me..its the not knowing for sure, 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt that is killing me inside. Just like the others..its not his fault...just like the others...god what can be wrong with me ...ok ok..Im butt ugly..at times I have a temper...at times I just want t break down ..as I let the little things get to me....I think I will go sit in the fields and look at the stars...take my trusty shotgun with me..who knows I just might get lucky and find the nerve.... |
| Saturday, November 23rd, 2002 | |
| 8:55 am | |
| Wednesday, November 20th, 2002 | |
| 1:00 am | Just Thinking Of You V1 I took a trip down by the ocean Just to see if you went home I saw all the places we went to, our home on 5th Avenue It made me sad just thinking of you V2 They closed the little caf? where we used to go Just to sit and enjoy the sun, with the ocean so blue No one has ever touched my heart the way you did Perhaps no one ever will, just thinking of you V3 That same old man, down on the pier, bothered me for a cigarette and a dime, He asked me about you, tears filled my eyes as I told him You had to say goodbye, the pain no longer Hidden deep inside, just thinking of you Chorus Just thinking of you, I sat there and cried Remembering all the times we shared And how we said goodbye Just thinking of you, my heart Shatters still, all those lonely nights Remind me of what we had Just thinking of you? Just thinking of you?.. |
| Sunday, November 17th, 2002 | |
| 12:32 am | Sometimes I wonder?just sit here and stare at computer screen?thinking about all the people I have known, and talked to online. I wonder where they are at this time. I ponder about the people went to school with, and I wonder how their lives turned out thus far. I'm feeling very down at the moment. This thing with Matt has me really, really confused. But I think with my meds out, it just adds to it. I keep listening to what Carla says, I'm giving him time. Hell, its not like I want to rush into anything, I just want to know if there is a chance. I try to learn from the past, every time I try to get close to someone, they disappear, I should be used to it, but this time its really irking me J Thoughts of suicide are in my head again, so Im going to go driving for a while. To see if I can push away the demons that are eating at me. I have been a rollercoaster with out the meds, but Nov 28th is when my insurance kicks in, so if I can last that long..everything should smooth out. At least now I know when I start thinking of killing myself, I know, or at least talk myself into believing that Im only thinking this way because there is a chemical imbalance in my brain, compounded with my sugar level. I will get straight one day,well as straight as I can. |
| Saturday, November 16th, 2002 | |
| 2:26 am | Just remember, when the times are tough and you feel you have no place to turn I am right there with you, just close your eyes and think of that place far away from all the pain, Remember, think of me, when you feel blue and the storm sees no end, I'll be there for you, In that time of need, A hug, a smile, a wink, a nudge All I can offer, is all that i have |
| Friday, November 15th, 2002 | |
| 9:48 am | Please forgive me... I do not wish to cause harm I only want the torment to stop, the pain to go away heal the wounds that break away the heart so tender and cruel all I want, is to end the suffering to take away the pain help to find the path for this misery never ends Sometimes you cant explain; uderstanding is never to blame in the mind, to many secrets revealed cerntain lives changes for the better inside we cry from all the pain determined never to give up, yet it all ends in a flash |
| 8:44 am | For to see my depth of sorrow You are not allowed to follow me Into this town square And then run away Evil angel with your cleft tongue When you kissed me On this town square All the lights came on at sunset Thought you'd stay Evil angel bearing apples When you kissed me On this drawbridge As the boats do How was I to know you'd flee Tear down these monuments Bury the coat of arms And build for me a factory Evil angel when you're faced with hatred's Daggers in my honor You're no match no scratching hearts that no longer bleed Oh Evil angel tear down the monuments Evil angel Bury the coat of arms And rebuild for me these memories For to see my depth of sorrow |
