7 REPENES INFERO SVNT recorded in תועבה Detestabalis' LiveJournal:

[ << PRAEVIVS 7 ]

Monday November 11th, 2002 ANNO DOMINI NOSTRI
2:25 PM	I had a garden once... א) The Iceland application is hiddeous. I need two letters of reference, an essay which includes my opinion of current events in Iceland, and a transcript from St. Louis. ב) I picked up a box of disposeable enemas from the street today. I walk by them every day on my way home, and finally opted to pick 'em up. Tara and Andrew, lemme know if you want to see 'em, cause I may have promised I'd mail 'em to Denmark. Maybe I'll do a photo exposé to cheer me up. ג) Motivate me, please. With willpower alone I can manage my day, but I still feel as if it's no better than yesterday when I stared at the ceiling most of the day. FVERAM: Nihil periceo FVERAM: "Sometimes people are meant to stay maybe I will be someday. (2 Petitions |Pray unto the Splinters)
10:10 AM	Prayers to broken stone... You are ashes in my mouth. Rebuilding these walls... Lord, Sometimes I don't know why I even bother. Mother, I let people in, and I only end up hurting them and myself. Regina, when I emerge, I only come out to the same consequences. Angel, why have you come capsize my ships and fell my forified walls? This is ineffable. I am gray. FVERAM: Gray FVERAM: "No one should ever feel the way that I feel now... (Pray unto the Splinters)
Sunday November 10th, 2002 ANNO DOMINI NOSTRI
4:42 PM	I'm sad. I'm holding myself. I'm locked in my room. I shouldn't be. FVERAM: getting better... FVERAM: "Your life has been so hard it's been dried up angels who can't keep guard I'm trying to reach your hand... (4 Petitions |Pray unto the Splinters)
1:38 PM	You and I, we're both sinners... This above all else: to thine own self be true. Just because something is natural, doesn't make it right. Some people are naturally inclined as alcoholics or towards violence. Does that make it right? Some people are inclined to have sex. Some people are inclined to have sex with people of the same sex. Does that make it right? Some people are naturally inclined to kill others. Does that make it right? Some people are naturally depressed or hyperactive. That's really the best arguement I've read against myself so far. God didn't make you gay. A combination of natural inclinations and experiences did that, but its meant to be a temptation to overcome. Jesus was fully human and tempted in all the ways man was, including homosexual temptation. But he refused to give in to the adversary and walked the path of righteousness. So we should strive to overcome our inclinations towards excessive drinking, violence, and buggery. The bible has a thouroughly pro-heterosexuality view point. Its not supprising, that document isn't especially nice to women, Egyptians, or Philestines either. However, every attempt to reconcile homosexuality with the Bible I've seen has failed. Sodom and Gomorrah were cast as homosexual because it emphasized their wickedness, just like the town of Gibeah in the book of Judges. Something no one points out in translation: Ishmael wasn't cast out until he molested Isaac. Wickedness was placed upon him. Leviticus is pretty clear on the point too, despite attempts to water down the language. The Christian New Testament consists of the gospels, the epistles, and the apocalypse. Now, there's a couple easy ways around this problem. You can deny the Bible as the literal word of God, and look at the anti-homosexual sentiments as products of the time and efforts to distance themselves from the ways of the inferior religions surrounding the authors. Or, you can deny the faiths of the book entirely. Problem there, is, what do you have left to believe in? Other than those which are blatantly biased against the homosexual, what is left? In theory, there are a few faiths which should accept homosexuality: Universal Unitarians, Baha'i, the Church of Satan... To be honest though, the Church of Satan is the only one I can recall that actually claimes to accept homosexuality. Which, perhaps, leaves the faggot to wander on his own... Many of the "new age" pagan faiths focus on the divine masculine and/or feminine principles, which just doesn't quite jive with many homosexuals. Asatru? Wicca? Its a hard path to walk on: being out of order. Its true that homosexuality exists in nature, apart from man, but so do many other things. And speaking of evolution: aberants which cannot survive, do not. The natural order posited in the Bible is so clearly seen in Ma'at and the Tao. It is a natural order of the masculine and the feminine coming together to produce life. It is the circle that nature moves in, and two penises don't work within that circle. The faggot is left outside of the natural order. Perhaps more importantly, the faggot is out of order with respect to Confucious' Civil Order. Civilization consitsts of the family. Is there room for homosexuality in the way things are supposed to be? If I can't do any good in this life, at least I can leave it doing as little harm as possible. Perhaps I should rage against the unfairness of it all? Maybe I should serrve in the civil positions which the fetters of family would hinder, thus benefitting society as much as possible. Embrace the machine, the digital, become one with the new, unnatural order? Yet even binary speaks of the one and the zero, distinguished and different. I am aberation. I may yet be able to make do, however. I can live comfortably in my own sins, in my unnature. Yet I'm still haunted by my past: The Plight of the Faggot: Lesbianism today, Cannibalism tomorrow... FVERAM: somber FVERAM: "What I used to call the truth was just an image of my hopes... (10 Petitions |Pray unto the Splinters)
Saturday November 9th, 2002 ANNO DOMINI NOSTRI
5:25 PM	Damn being cheerful... So I had planned to release some bitterness, but after a pleasant poem read to my by a Dane and quite a bit of time typing, I'm just not in the mood anymore.... FVERAM: better FVERAM: "What I used to call the truth was just an image of my hopes... (8 Petitions |Pray unto the Splinters)
Friday November 8th, 2002 ANNO DOMINI NOSTRI
10:04 AM	Excellent... I can officially read some of the Bible in Hebew. In other news, I've been up to sleep and homework lately. Lots of both. If you're wondering where I was, that's pretty much it. I finished my history midterm, meditated a lot, read most of Black Elk Speaks, learned some Hebrew... Dull, I know, but sometimes I still feel samadi. Two more essays to finish up this weekend. I haven't any plans for the weekend yet. I know Bri and John and Jake were thinkin' of gettin' together, and wanted to include Jay and I Saturday night. I have been yearnin' for a little Bri time lately... But I don't just want to play Gauntlet with John and Jay and Jake and watch Bri fall asleep on the couch again. Maybe we could whip out Heroquest or somesuch. I just feel like I should be social, but the inclination just isn't there right now. I need to go shopping in the near future for some clothes, and groceries. Our shopping situation has all but fallen appart and turned into every man, woman, and child for themselves. I also want my damned house clean, but I'm loathe to do it because I don't feel like any of it is my mess that I'm responsible for. Sigh. I've grown another sore in my mouth. Will this never go away? Its been two weeks now... FVERAM: isolated FVERAM: "Your eyes say the joke is on me... (4 Petitions |Pray unto the Splinters)
Tuesday November 5th, 2002 ANNO DOMINI NOSTRI
2:07 PM	God, I want to sleep... Last night, instead of working on my history midterm, I went to bed at 8:30. I woke up sometime after midnight, and promptly went back to sleep till 7 this morning when I had to get up, excercise, and meditate. I guess that's what I get for being up all night with Mikhail. Not that he was awake, but I just found it hard to sleep. There's just something comforting about lying in bed with someone, I guess I'd rather revel in it than sleep. I also stop caring about physical discomfort, in the moment, it's unimportant. Obviously I wanted to stay there, cause I skipped hebrew. Oh well. Of course, there were also the creepy dreams (Hallucinations?) of Hebrew letters flying all around me. I couldn't read them, but it was just odd. ( Read about my newfound superpower! ) FVERAM: cold and neglectful of work (4 Petitions |Pray unto the Splinters)