| 12:33am 21/10/2002 | |||
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*I think i should get whatever i want *Im addicted to chocolate and get orgasms from eating it *My sex drive has the pickup equivalent to a mustang *Now that im allowed to cut my hair it just keeps getting shorter and shorter *WHERE did my boobs come from? *I'm the boss..Whatever i say, goes *I love attention so give it to me *I'd kill to bang Ben Affleck *Nurse, or nurse... which should i be? *When i argue, i win By Jamie Christine Wagner about Kristen Deanna Spor |
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| When I get close, you turn away. There's nothing that i can do or say... | ||||
| 06:50pm 11/10/2002 | ||||
Hmmm...Well I'm going away for the weekend. Levittown. Need to get away. I'm going crazy inside. For one reason, and one reason only... :( Opened up a checking account. Go me. I'm so depressed. This blows. Why cant things be different? |
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bitchy| Take time to tell me yoooou really care AND WE'LL SHARE TOMORROW TOGETHER!!!! hahaha | ||||
| 12:42am 11/10/2002 | ||||
So i made a new friend :). His name is Ben and he's such a great guy!!! Hopefully we'll hang out soon for our movie marathon haha! My ideal guy: -Affectionate. -Intimate. -Open. -Loving. -Honest. -Funny. -Sweet. -Cute. (haha shallow, but oh so true) -Takes me out. (and lets me pay sometimes.) -Has good taste. -HAPPY. -Can function...in more ways than one. Ok i think thats it. I KEEP CRYING DAMNIT!!!!!! I miss my dad, i miss my brian and the way things were, i miss my brother al when he truly loved me, i miss the good times that were shared when it was me, my mom, dawn, and my dad. I miss being one and not having a care in the world and being daddys little girl. I miss my grandparents. I miss my uncle peter and when me and kimmy put on shows for everyone. I miss "what a show" and jamie and I had our sleepovers. I miss imagining my first kiss and i miss my virginity. I miss feeling like i was wanted. I miss so many things...Where has all the time gone? Its all done now and i live my life and it seems almost impossible to do it but i do it anyway..because afterall..there should be some good times ahead. And i've made it through all the past troubling times..why shouldnt i be able to make it now? I feel like im going to collaspe but i know i am strong..for i've proved myself so many times before. ...sigh. Sometimes i wonder if i'm kidding myself. |
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depressed| mmmm hmmmm | ||||
| 09:34pm 08/10/2002 | ||||
I love him so much..but we really need to do something new... October 19th we are finally spreading my dads ashes over the atlantic ocean in Atlantic City. .............dont know how i can handle that! My brother in law bill got into the fire department!!!! (cherry hill!!) im so excited! now its brians turn!! whoo hoo!! |
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okay| Another thing.. | |||
| 10:17pm 06/10/2002 | |||
| When I said i havent gotten to see brian its cause his car is broke and stuff. It wasnt HIS fault but it just hit my sensitive self in the wrong way. just thought i should clarify that. I LOVE HIM too :). | |||
| i'm going craaaaaazy... | ||||
| 05:27pm 06/10/2002 | ||||
College, College, College. I don't know what to fucking do. But i have no help. I'm so lost. All i know is i want to be a labor & delivery nurse. And i want to work in a philadelphia hospital. Thats all I know. I need to start driving school..but my mom isnt exactly getting to that either. I think i will never ever have my license..and i'll have to be carted around and i'm going to be miserable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PS. Last nites entry complained about me not drinking. No, i dont need to DRINK to have FUN! But firefighter parties..yeah i liek to have a few. thats all. I'm so stressed i'm ready to have a heart attack i think. I slept til like 4:30 pm today...i jsut needed the sleep and i'm so busy anymore so i'm going crazy and it's not fun. Look at me just ramble on and on...god... |
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stressed| Life seems to fade away..drifting further everyday | ||||
| 01:01am 06/10/2002 | ||||
Brian. Brian. Brian. God, i never even feel like the same anymore. I feel so distant from him and just when i think things are looking up..its like ehhh. I never see him anymore. I think we hung out twice this week..and we didnt even REALLY hang out. I love him so much (god im crying now) and it just hurts so bad sometimes to be with him and i have no idea why. We're so different but so much alike..and i need him to be something he isnt i think and its so wrong that i expect it from him. I just want it to all work out. But we all know if it does it will for like a month then die out... I want so badly to help him live his dreams..but i have no desire to stay here. And like the shit that he wants..isnt what i want and i dont know if i can sacrifice anymore....i mean its hard for me as it is to live my dreams...god why is it like this?!?! I just feel soo lost and i dont even know why!!! i just want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out... jfsldijflghdlkghs what is wrong with me now?! Had a good friday nite. Went to 305's show at Sacred Grounds coffee shop with jamie, maura, and libby then slept at LaSalle University. 305 did an awesome job. ( http://users.1st.net/305blender/videos/002.mov ) Tonight was 11-4's Comedy Night (the fire house). It was fun..kinda sucked tho cause usually i drink at the firefighter parties (as does everyone and their mother.) but yeah i didnt and i just felt like crying all night for no reason..and brian would be all close to me then fucking distant and i cant take the sudden hot/cold switches anymore im going crazy and i wanted to sleepover but did he care? nooooo! no he didnt. and i dont give a fuck ANYMORE! |
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confused| Sorry I haven't written in awhile! | ||||
| 08:41pm 01/10/2002 | ||||
I had such a good time in florida..lots of pictures, lots of rides, lots of sun, oh and HEAT! Some minor fights and the such but overall a great time that i will always remember. Hopefully i can get some pix up soon! Left work about 10 am today (started at 8)..threw up..then threw up on the way home. (yum yum). Im better now i think..so i will be up at the ass crack of dawn for 7 am work time tomorrow..whoo hoo.... Liz wont talk to me. She had call me while i was getting ready for florida, as well as going to work and school..then i left for florida so i never got a chance to call her back..well now she doesnt want to talk to me and i have noo idea what to do :/. blaaaah Brians car is DEAD. And i think if they need to do anything major to it..he needs a new car. This is about the 100th time the car has broken down since the 2 years i've been with him. One day he will be on I=95 and the brakes will go or something bad..that car is just bad news. I'm growing my hair out and its looking good :) Oh and I got my pix done. and so did me and brian together. Came out EXTREMELY good. I was so happy. Did i ever mention how much i love him? |
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sick| 04:28pm 24/09/2002 | ||||
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calm| Long daysssssss | ||||
| 08:03pm 10/09/2002 | ||||
My sister lynn wrote in one of the comments things..and it made me feel so much better. I'm so glad we are close now..screw what everyone thinks and says, right lynnie? What matters is the well being of yourself. And remember i said i lost it? lol no i havent. But its very frustratingggggggggggggg if you even know what i am talking about. |
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exhausted| They say crying is good, but it only breaks my heart more... | ||||
| 11:34pm 09/09/2002 | ||||
And I appreciate all the people that have supported me about getting a job and school and everything else. It has meant the world to me. I hate that some people are like..."ooooo wow but everybody has to do that". But i am not normal and I have a hard time doing things sometimes. To me this is a huge accomplishment and I'm actually proud of myself. I also want to say sorry for talking bout things of my past. I know it makes me seem like a "drama queen" or something. But the fact is...that was my life. And if you DONT want to hear or listen when i need to talk..let me know. I definitley dont want to impose on anybody and i definitley dont want to make it seem like i think my life was worse than anybody else's...i just need a vent and it just hurts sometimes. I'm just so tired. |
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| I've lost it... | ||||
| 11:35pm 08/09/2002 | ||||
There are only 4 days left..why am i not even that excited right now? I'm so blah right now!!! What the hell?? Friday I got two new pairs of jeans...a sweater..socks..and a shirt from aero. Then me, sam, and brian went to go see swimfan. It was good..but reminded me alot of Fatal Attraction. Saturday I went to stay at my sisters..and came home today around 5pm. Then me and bry went to fridays to eat dinner...and my appetite is all screwed up. then we slept. Big surprise. God, I love him so much. But he just said to me that he doesnt think we will ever work out :(. I've said that before..but i always say shit i dont mean. And he even suggested a break after we come back from florida... ...... what does this all mean?! And does anybody, anyone at all know why....I hate brians ex tammie so much even tho i've never met her...and that its more than jealousy? Or why that I hate the fact so much that Brian smokes??? |
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blah| I AM NOT FAT>>>>>BUT IM CHUNKY! | ||||
| 09:42pm 05/09/2002 | ||||
HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| lalalalalaaaa | ||||
| 08:21am 05/09/2002 | ||||
Work is OK. I like the people alot and it's pretty easy. Everybody knows everybody and so far its cool. (i hope i didnt just jinx myself!)I have to work 7-4 on wednesdays tho...blah! 1 Week, 1 day. Can you believe it? Well I can't. Time went by so quickly. Off to work I go! |
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| Job Job Job I've got a Job! | ||||
| 10:10am 03/09/2002 | ||||
Money = Permit = License = Car = Driving! Muhahahah Life is great! |
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| 11:20pm 02/09/2002 | |||
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Ex boyfriends making fan websites for the girl he ditched you for is absolutely priceless!!! LOVELY! I have a job interview at a little grocery store around the corner from me. Philadelphia Fruit Market. 10 am. |
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| What the hell man?! | ||||
| 08:13pm 02/09/2002 | ||||
Oh and now my mom is all nervous about florida because me and brian wont stop fighting...well maybe we'd stop FIGHTING if he were more AFFECTIONATE!!! He doesnt touch me, kiss me, nothing. I get nothing. But oh thats because im a bitch!!! I've been trying...but lately i feel like his fucking BUDDY not his GIRLFRIEND or someone he LOVES. So what the hell?? I'm sick of being pushed away. He said its because he's tired. (which i can understand with his work..but christ all the time?!?!) and his other excuse is that i'm an asshole. (as if he isn't.) I dont know whats going on but it seems to be alot more than it is...and i thought he had changed when we got back together but i feel like im back at square one and im just drowning at this point..i dont know what the hell to do anymore!!!! any ideas?!? huh?! I know i can be a bitch! but this is just ridiculous!!! I dont want him to be all over me 24/7 but you know? NOT AT ALL just isnt working either.. I refused always that when i was older and married that i wouldnt be one of those couples that loses intamcy...but how can i prevent that if it's already happening and i'm not even ENGAGED yet! I hate when *somebody* drinks to the point they get drunk because the same knots in my stomach that i used to get as a child when certain things happened comes back. 1 week 3 days...i bet no one has confidence that i wont be bitchy on this trip! |
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| 02:06pm 30/08/2002 | |||
| going to the shore...be back monday! | |||
| 02:09am 30/08/2002 | |||
 i have issues. but i also recognise this fact and do what i can to resolve those issues. i may have spent a long time letting those issues control me, but now i'm ready to take the upper hand and wonder about the world around me. i'm getting to be well-balanced, but i'm not quite there yet. how mad are you? this quiz was made by piksy |
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| I have nothing intelligent to say at this particular moment... | ||||
| 01:50am 30/08/2002 | ||||
Tomorrow gonna check up on that job again at Philadelphia Fruit Market. they better hire me! i would like to drive!!! geeez! **TWO WEEKS!** Tomorrow i was SUPPOSED to go to the beach with dawn, the girls, and my mom but yeah the weather sucks major ass now and soooo I'll probably be going at night with bry instead cause I'm staying at the shore house til Monday...whoo...such shitty weather! oh well i'll be with my baby :). good times, good times. haha. I am too nice by the way. Again, someone should slap me! Tomorrow: Oral Surgeon...8:45 am..blah! |
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krissybeans |
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