Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Amalin's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Tuesday, April 15th, 2003
11:47 pm	Tonight felt tangible, the sky like a beating heart, the dusk a descent in your throat and your hands and in between your fingers. There is a pulse in the night that I want to lean out and listen to. It is firefly weather, and I want to stay all night and look at the stars. Too bad it's only April. Current Mood: recumbent Current Music: Rent - I'll Cover You ( 2 wishes * wish upon a star )
Saturday, April 12th, 2003
11:30 pm	I look around and there are such shadows. I'm with Sky about the world getting noticeably darker these days; it's chilling, because it creeps up on you. Sometimes I feel as if the rest of the days I'm living in my blissful bubble, and that I shouldn't be. I think of Witch Baby with all her newspaper clippings like lost wings on her walls. But I don't know what to do besides bury myself in [figurative] mud, the way she hid beneath the shed. I just worry about all of you (Ishuca, Amy, Regret, all of you, too - I do read your posts!) and send you fragile-winged thoughts of springtime. I think that otherwise, any "help" that I foolishly pretend is such is really just blundering worsening of situations. Off to the Pablo Neruda and Miller Williams poetry. [And yet there is Nocturne Alley, and it is good.] Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Queen - Under Pressure ( 5 wishes * wish upon a star )
Friday, April 11th, 2003
10:08 pm	I'm going to run away and live in a box. And then I won't destroy anyone's anything and I can find out who I am. And I won't get in the way. Or you can find me in the library. I can't hurt books, can I? I am just thankful for spring break. Don't be surprised if you don't see much of me for awhile. I'm still thinking of all of you, though; just think of me hunched between bookshelves, sending quiet thoughts like paper doves on the wind, and know that I miss you. I want to sleep for a week. [Braden, if you happen to be reading this, don't even start to think about apologizing or anything. My withdrawal has nothing to do with you.] Current Mood: drained Current Music: Peter Gabriel - I Grieve ( 7 wishes * wish upon a star )
Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
10:05 pm	I'm sorry. Current Mood: cold
Tuesday, April 8th, 2003
6:32 am	( Some rambling. Few days old. ) Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Hedwig and the Angry Inch - Wig In A Box ( 2 wishes * wish upon a star )
6:07 am	*folds paper cranes, like Lupin, and litters everywhere* I simply hope that all of you are all right. ( Braden's amazing poem. ) Current Mood: exhausted ( 8 wishes * wish upon a star )
Sunday, April 6th, 2003
6:09 pm	( clumsy: crabbe and goyle and incoherence, all due to reading SF's old stuff on FFN. gen, I think. ) Current Mood: tired Current Music: Tim McGraw - She's My Kind of Rain ( 3 wishes * wish upon a star )
5:17 pm	my fingertips are blue in hypothermatic magic marker bleeding and i want to swim to a stop in the river of your veins until the palpitations of your heart leave me finally warm. I am killing the English language, yo. And why, why, why must it snow? Current Mood: anxious Current Music: RHCP - The Zephyr Song ( 2 wishes * wish upon a star )
3:05 pm	Sometimes, I just feel . . . helpless. Current Mood: pensive Current Music: Wallflowers - Hand Me Down ( 3 wishes * wish upon a star )
Tuesday, April 1st, 2003
5:04 pm	And the unexplainable desert poetry continues. Blah, blah, blah. Math class yields nothing but boredom and this. i will stumble to skinned knees on the cracked dust of the drought as your desert winds flay from me all the things i want to leave behind, until among the sun-bleached bones i will find on my parched lips: an answer. because in the ruthless desert sand i shall burn away the shadows on my skin until, bronze and broken, i am nothing but sand tossing in your desert seaglass sky like the cradle of an hourglass, and the sun         like the story         like the sand         like the song beats on. Realized today that I am such a hypocrite. I want to drown in the sky. (Which is actually not a bad thing, I'm just noting its - drownableness. Um. Its lovely waterlogged rainblurred gray, sodden around the edges and deliciously pale.) This is the point where I roll my eyes at myself and go away. Current Mood: working Current Music: Nick Drake - Time Has Told Me ( 2 wishes * wish upon a star )
Monday, March 31st, 2003
6:10 am	The sky is like a bowl of light, but still untouched by sunrise, and all I can think of is ( this year old poem. ) I was reading old things last night and flipping through journals and bits of writing and just, wow. Overcome with nostalgia and a great deal of disgust for old-me (or would that be young-me?), but even so. It made me realize for the thousandth time how lucky I am. Anyway, the sky, yes. I do not feel as suffocated by my own too-cloying words anymore. Possibly it is the dawn light shining blue because, as much of a night person as I am, I still love early morning eerieness. [Edit: And then sunrise, like a halo, and sometimes it's surprisingly beautiful, you know? The world, I mean.] [Edit again: Reading Two Lost Souls over, for no reason. ...I wrote this?] Current Mood: cold Current Music: Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale ( wish upon a star )
Sunday, March 30th, 2003
2:57 pm	If I could live in the beating of your heart, I think I would know safety. - - - *frustrated* I am tangled up in words like a thousand layers of clothes and skin and everything that shifts on my shoulders like quicksand conscience, and I. can't. get. out. Can you lose yourself in yourself? It is snowing. And if you want to start unraveling to find the ends of yourself, to figure out the in betweens and the way to peer inside of infinity, where do you start? Where, in all of this extraneous pretense and thoughts you do not remember, where do you even try to begin? [Contrary to frustration and anxiousness, I watched All Over The Guy on TV today and it was so cheeringly lovable and cute. Romantic comedy and gay love, whee.] Current Mood: anxious Current Music: U2 - New York ( 1 wish * wish upon a star )
Saturday, March 29th, 2003
4:35 pm	*makes a face* let us be egypt. your eyes can be the purring murkiness of the nile and i shall curl up to you like a sphinx awakening; let us be blue and gold and north and south and we will find the answers in an eternity's worth of sand. the pharoahs' whispers in the bases of old pyramids are only the ghosts that we brush off like the paleness of winter under this new sun; let me find you in egypt and drown in you there. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Hedwig and the Angry Inch - Origin of Love ( 2 wishes * wish upon a star )
Thursday, March 27th, 2003
9:08 pm	( Poetry and poetry and poetry. Bah, I disgust myself. These range from four days old to written yesterday. ) Meanwhile, I am curious as to why the "thirsty" penguin is the same as the "busy" penguin. *contemplates* Yes, I truly am thirsty. Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: Jump, Little Children - Close Your Eyes ( 2 wishes * wish upon a star )
Sunday, March 23rd, 2003
10:47 pm	Sometimes you are so warm that I want to crawl inside your skin and breathe synchronously, hear the tides of your blood always in my ears. Is that morbid? I want to be featherlight in order to mold into you and curve into the hollows of your skeleton, become part of you. [New icons. Yay.] Current Mood: worried Current Music: Peter Gabriel - I Grieve ( 6 wishes * wish upon a star )
Friday, March 21st, 2003
10:36 pm	( Weird short enigmatic Thing, written with Lucius and Narcissa in mind. I. Don't. Know. ) Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Pink Floyd - Learning to Fly ( 5 wishes * wish upon a star )
Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
6:18 pm	Today was ridiculous, for which I apologize, in addition to the following. Completely unedited, cut to save you from the burden of reading. Jen&Kelly;, I am sorry for hypocrisy on creation which I now realize because I'm stupid like that. Influenced by Sugar Ray, Goo Goo Dolls, Thoreau, Oscar Wilde, the news, PMS, and stupid people, not necessarily in that order. ( Journalism musings, angsty and whiny. ) ( And more Journalism musings. ) ( And . . . more quiet desperation in the form of haphazard lines strung together. ) ( And a few other scribbles thrown in for good measure. ) [Edit: But if you saw me, I'm scared of what you'd see. Because in the end, I'm as scared of losing you as I'm as scared of losing myself. Thank you for linking this, Anatsuno. And. . . *wordless hugs to her friends list*] Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: The Wallflowers - Letters from the Wasteland ( 1 wish * wish upon a star )
6:22 am	I wish for peace. Current Mood: -.- ( wish upon a star )
Sunday, March 16th, 2003
5:10 pm	Today was so beautiful. I forgot how happy rollerblading makes me. I just went, and it felt so good to be outside in a tank top singing obliviously to Newsies (loudly) and speeding down the road with the sun on my face. I was absolutely buoyant, and that's the only word for it. As much as I miss the dreamy parts of poetic Winter and feel sorry for her, as much as I hate commercial Spring and the cliches you're bound to find, I welcome her with open arms. I think I got a little sunburned on my cheeks and shoulders, but that's okay. I felt so free, so open, so happy without any obligations to be worried or sad or stressed, just happy without a reason. Looking outside, seeing the sun warm the tips of the fence and the last receding edges of snow, I'm just optimistic. Really, I think, since my birthday. I wasn't sad, but I was preoccupied at the very least, and feeling silly and old and lip-biting-worry. It was like Meg Ryan in City of Angels, after she's gone through all that she has and is finally with Seth, morning after, where she's so happy, arms flung out (yes, I actually did that), head thrown back, staring up at the sun on her bike. Of course, seconds later she gets hit by a big logging truck, so I guess it wasn't exactly like that. Anyway, happy Spring. :) Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Tori Amos - Scarlet's Walk ( 2 wishes * wish upon a star )
Saturday, March 15th, 2003
9:17 pm	Is it possible for to pour life into pages? Can ink transmute into blood and the finest grained parchment into skin, as fragile and papery as these pages? I like to think so. I like to think that life can weave its way into the stories we tell, granting a heartbeat to our words. I like to think that we may capture a moment or two, delicate and fearful like trapped butterflies, before Time waltzes past and sweeps them busily into a dustpan. I would like to save a snatch of life from the clutter and the bristles of his broom. Before it melts on my lips, butter and snowflakes, I would like to give this transient brightness to you. Consider it a gift, if you will. Someday the patterns of the world will change and you will cease to see gold in my eyes, but these words remain yours. A wisp of memory preserved in the decaying tinny song of a dust-ridden music box, the crackle of tea-stained letters left long untouched. I shall send these words out into the world, these pages marked with my fingerprints, and perhaps this small measure of infinity will find its way back to you. In your hands, it is possible for these pages to pour out life. [SF, I finished Pages For You today. Thus, much influence. That book . . . just, wow. And thank you to all of the beautiful people that made my birthday special. DPS fic, H/D, L/N, good wishes: you are all wonderful.] Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me ( wish upon a star )