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mood |
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 melancholy |
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Things are ending.
What is this? This is unfamiliar territory. This is uncertainty and wonder. This is a tearful eye, and a pout that is neither a frown nor a smile, but somewhere in between.
This is a ying-yang heartache of hope invading doubt and doubt invading hope.
It seems I enjoy the club less and less everytime I go.
Is the music getting worse? Are people getting more annoying? Is the air becoming less breathable?
I don't know. I don't know if it's me of if it's the environment.
But I do know that things are ending.
When I was in high school I bounced from scene to scene based on whatever my friends happened to be into at the time. Grunge, punk, ska, swing, rockabilly, whatever. No scene ever quite "fit", but since there were no other options, I just went along and made the best of it.
Now it seems I may be back to that place. Only now my sense of disillusionment is coupled with the knowledge of how good things can be. Before things just kind of sucked and I figured that's just the way it was. Now things kind of suck, but I've had a taste of what it's like when things are really, really good.
Tonight at the club I was happiest just sitting on a vinyl bench and watching everyone else have a good time. As soon as I tried to get up and join the fun, annoyance swelled in my chest and there I was in a foul mood again. Blah.
I had a couple of drinks, but even the thought of drinking just seemed boring. The music seemed boring. The people seemed boring. Everyone seemed to be trying so hard to be so cool. I used to understand.
And I really wanted to have a good time! Especially tonight! Tonight was Monica's last night at Anderson's. The last night she and I might go clubbing together for a long time. It should've been the last time I partied with my best friend, before she moves to LA on Saturday.
Things are ending.
I just couldn't bring myself to party. =\
I'm glad she had fun though. She drank enough for both of us, heh.
I'll get to see her tomorrow, too, I guess. I'll get to say "good bye" to her then. And it will mean more than saddened drunken exchanges.
And I shouldn't talk as though it's really an end. Of course I will go visit her a lot. LA is not so far, and it will actually be really nice to have someone to stay with now when I go to Cali. But her moving is more like a physical end to things that have been changing for a long, long time.
Raving used to be an "us" thing. But she hasn't wanted to rave in quite awhile. I haven't gone over to her house to just hang out in many, many months. I still prefer pharmaceuticals, she prefers lots of alcohol. She's graduated and is focused on her desired career in fashion, I'm an aimless student who's never even had a concrete career goal.
She's very, very busy. I'm very, very busy . . . Well, at least something is the same.
But to be honest, I've tried to keep things together. She just doesn't seem to want to do very much anymore that I'm doing.
I know, I know, goals and such. Different goals.
But anyway, things are ending. Lots of things.
And yes, every ending is a beginning. And yes, I should really be saying that things are changing, because that is really closer to the truth.
But I'm in a mood. A melancholy mood.
A ying-yang mood of hope and doubt.
Things are ending.
*sigh* =(
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