Thursday, January 30th, 2003
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11:04 pm - poem/prayer
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Oh my God,
I am stranded in the halls of the wicked.
I am stranded in the halls of ignorance.
Lead me not again to the house of hell.
Lead me to the halls of the wise,
And to the houses of the goodness which is truth.
current mood: hurt
current music: none
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Monday, January 27th, 2003
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10:52 pm - lol
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Well my brain is completely fried, my eyes are grainy, my head hurts, and my stomach aches. And I'm sober. And I'm hearing voices from the past. *sigh*
Still teasing everybody on OccultForums about Crowley's 'wine's that foam' and if I'm right there will be a lot of shocked people when the truth comes out.
I think NuHad must have been a little embarrassed to just post it. Or maybe he's testing the mettle of the forum folk.
Uggh... I was supposed to play diablo2 with Zeke when he got home from work, but I can't bring myself to stare at this screen any longer. I'm finishing this, checking on my gal feranaja's recent journal posts and hitting the HAY. Sorry Zeke.
current mood:  sick
current music: none
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, January 23rd, 2003
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12:20 am - laughing fool!
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The day started out pretty rough. I had no strings on my swim shorts for swimming this morning. Then when I got home for my afternoon break I slept almost the whole time. Biology lecture was pretty crazy, a guy (Mr. X) interrupted the lecture and yelled fuck at a girl (Ms. X) who was making a lot of noise. Then he proceeded to make a racial slur when class ended.
I could empathize with the pissed off guy (Mr. X). I have two people in front of me in lecture who will not stop talking. I was considering breaking the nose of the girl in front of me (Ms. Y), or giving the guy in front of me (Mr. Y) a drop kick to the head. However, as far as yelling fuck in lecture and making racial slurs, well there's a line and you crossed it.
So I got to lab, and this guy (Mr. Z)was determined he was going to wear swim goggles for his lab goggles. Then there is some bitch (Ms. Z) who keeps asking everybody if they'll write her labs for her. There is also this guy who is in Army Reserve (Mr. Xa) that was acting like a fool, and giving this girl (Ms. Xa) a hard time, saying she was a lesbian. She tried to explain to him about the rather harsh penalties surrounding being gay and in the military, and that she is active duty, but he wouldn't listen. Besides that Mr. Xa was just generally being an ass.
I ate a late dinner with a computer geek from my lab, and he seems pretty cool. Then I had a conversation with a lady (Ms. Ya) that rides the shuttle to a remote lot. Ms. Ya is one of the few that rides it at that time of night.
So I got home and did emails and IM'ed the guy from my lab a little. Now I'm having funny thoughts. I'm imagining my (Oriental) Indian GTA watching Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. I think he would be embarassed
So I've been walking around the apartment laughing about the idea this part of the night. Ahh sanity where have you gone! I don't know that I ever knew you!
lol.
current mood:  giggly
current music: none
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Saturday, January 18th, 2003
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12:08 am - hmmph!
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Logged in some good time with the cat. He slept on my chest for about an hour until I started getting fidgety. Had a good class period of religion. Its very challenging, he has been talking about points of view I had never really thought of. I am having to revise or rethink many of my beliefs. Or at least refine them.
Other than that the cat is starting to be bad, I guess because its after midnight. And for the same reasons I am starting to get very tired, I can tell because my eyes are going.
I wish I could get my cat to stop destroying the house. I can't wait to take him in to get neutered. Then I shall call him IL castrati!
current mood:  moody
current music: none
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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10:37 pm - today
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Well I got over the studying hump and now my week is almost over. I've got a couple of things to do, but nothing like the work that started out the quarter. So tonight I am taking a break. I have a feeling that it will get harder again soon. Tests are not far off.
The cat and I are bonding tonight and I am so grateful because I was really pissed at him all week. He needs attention, but so does college.
current mood:  tired
current music: none
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(comment on this)
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Friday, January 10th, 2003
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10:34 pm - First week of school
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Well its the weekend, and I made it through the first week of school. I haven't studied tonight, which maybe I should have, but I've studied the rest of the week and everything is going well. I'm feeling a little lonesome, as I've stopped going to AA meetings. I'm hoping that I will meet some people at school who are more supportive and kind.
I saw my sponsor yesterday and she made some rather rude comments about how "I might not be able to go to meetings because my ego was so huge..." and it just made me even more firm that AA is not where I need to be right now.
I still intend to stay off the drugs and alcohol for many good reasons.
I have to say that I'm happy with the changes but I'm really afraid at the same time.
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: none
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(comment on this)
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Monday, December 30th, 2002
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1:18 am - I'm back
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Got back from St. Michaels Maryland last night, and I am home in Oakwood. Had a ton of emails, most of which have been checked. Christmas was real hectic, there was 17 on Christmas Eve and 28 on Christmas night. By the time I got home yesterday I was completely pooped, although I managed to get up enough energy to read half my emails and listen to some loud music before I went to sleep. Got mostly adult stuff this year, an omelette pan, a wood inlay box, a container of altoids, some kitchen towels, a shirt and a sweatshirt, and The Naked Chef Cookbook. Also got a CD from my brother, Justin Timberlake, I know how lame but I really like it. So I'm back to my puter and have just been having a ball, and I broke down and got an mp3 player and kazaa, though I may regret it.
current mood:  happy
current music: none
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(comment on this)
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Friday, December 20th, 2002
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9:46 pm - tired...
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I'm really weary and I've got to get up earlier than usual. Thats because I'm going away for a week to visit family for Christmas. I need to post something on Occult Forums so that everyone knows why I'm not around for a week.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and Merry Yule.
current mood: tired
current music: none
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(comment on this)
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12:28 am - uggy...
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Felt sick all day today, so I laid around then drank some hot jello. Later I felt better and ate some raisin bran. Now my headaches gone and I'm all hyper, and I'm hungry. Thing is I have to get up tomorrow. The whole apartment building is astir, the guy upstairs has the classic rock station up real loud, and some guy is hacking up his lungs, sounds like upstairs but I'm not sure. Maybe they're toking. Other than that, talked to Ezekiel from the forums tonight and tried to help him out with astral traveling. Not sure I did help... He seems to be catching on real fast, and plus I figured him quite a bit older than a high schooler. He's pretty mature. Well I think I'm going to make some red beans and rice then hit the hay. No letter from Dragool as of yet. Superbook is at home, his parents must be very strict, he has a computer at home but does not get on the forums on it. Got 159 emails in my inboxes today, and replied to one. Most of my elists are frequented by spritual infants, and all they want to do is argue about bullshit. The forums are the exception, I may not agree with all of them but at least there is something for real going on there.
current mood:  hyper
current music: guy upstairs
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, December 18th, 2002
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5:03 pm - weary...
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I have listened to 4 and 1 half tapes of the unabridged KJV in the past three days. My head is spinning. It was a christmas gift bought with the money my dad gave me.
Going to eat with my mother and my brother soon, should be good food. What I feel like doing is taking a nap. Better make myself coffee before I go.
Things are good, having a good time, can't wait to get on the forums and check out the conversation.
current mood: weary
current music: the guy upstairs
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 17th, 2002
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10:26 pm - initiation
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Just had someone on the forum ask about being initiated, and it really brought me back to when I first found the occult, which is to say, I started reading Crowley. I was in bad shape. I wanted to be initiated into THE occult society so bad my heart ached. I walked by the Scottish Rite temple near my dorm everyday and wondered what was inside. It took a lot of years but I did finally find people that were interested in the occult, and then pretty recently I decided to join an organization that offered correspondence membership. I later found out that they have service once a month about an hour from my house. Well I haven't been to that service yet, but I have contacted some of the nicest people. I'm still hoping to the Gods its not a cult. All in all, I'm happy with what happened, and when I talk to people at occult forums or I vibrate on the same wavelength as someone on one of my elists, a lot of that heartache is forgotten. I've also made a good friend locally who shares in the folly of my first magical experiments. Its a good life, and I can't wait to try again. Weird, huh? For me the melancholy nihilist especially.
current mood: happy
current music: the guy upstairs
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(comment on this)
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12:09 am - study, study, study
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Man I'm tired. I read the Bible all day, worked on Mystical Qabalah by Dion Fortune, and started Seven Sermons of the Dead by CG Jung. I feel pooped and to top it off, I ate a bunch of rice and now my stomach hurts. Sheesh! Oh well I'll be up a while but tomorrow's another day. I'll have to get cracking.
current mood: sick
current music: none
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, December 14th, 2002
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8:07 pm - slept all day...
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Went to bed at 12:30 a.m., got up at 5:30 p.m. to use the bathroom and then got up at 6:30. Man I must have really burnt myself out this week. Have a spycraft roleplaying session tonight, should be a lot of fun. Out of my daily routine, hope I feel better tomorrow.
current mood: tired
current music: Z93-Techno
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(comment on this)
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Friday, December 13th, 2002
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10:37 pm - hmmmm...
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Feeling deeply skeptical today. I did three major workings in two weeks and so far no effect at all. So I'm wondering is there a God or Gods who are listening to my requests, are there spirits, does magic work, etc... I just recommended a guy try it once and see if it changes how he feels and here I am feeling pretty much the same as him, having done all this work.
I guess I'm allowed to be human. But boy does it suck sometimes! Lets hope that all my effort eventually pays off, even if I've maybe been misdirecting my effort.
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(comment on this)
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2:44 am - up all night
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Whew! Spent all night in IM with Rose and reading the entire Freemasonry Watch website. My brains all fuzzy after all that. Now I'm not really ready for bed, but it's really time to do so. Can't think of anything else to surf.
Maybe I'll play a game of Bard's Tale and go to sleep.
current mood: awake
current music: Tool-Lateralus
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, December 12th, 2002
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9:59 pm
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Just checking my emails and listening to the radio, with my kitten sitting on my lap. I think I'm still in a rut, need a good swift kick to get out of it. I've been trying to supply that kick with magic but so far nothing.
I know I just posted but...
I need to get on msnm and check for my friends. Take her easy!
current mood: happy
current music: nelly- hot in hur
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(comment on this)
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9:41 pm - Be patient...
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I did a major working Tuesday night, went completely balls to the wall and broke some unwritten rules. Again it was an evolutionary spell and I hope that doing it will result in some change.
I'm getting skeptical that any of this stuff is working at all. There has been some minor evidence that the beings I contacted were listening, but nothing major. To me the ritual was so groundbreaking that I am having trouble waiting.
So I need to be patient, and keep myslef occupied in the meantime. What to do?
current mood:  bored
current music: none
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(comment on this)
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Monday, December 9th, 2002
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9:00 pm - ken wilber, other stuff
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Just read an interview by Ken Wilber where he discusses the problems created when a person has spiritual experience but is a narcissist. Good stuff. It discusses some basic problems and speaks of it as kind of a modern ill.
My opinion is that people seeking enlightenment have fallen in that trap since there was enlightenment. Not only that if you count the people that don't really want enlightenment, that just talk about it, then you have very few people on the right track.
Thats the way its always been. I doubt that will ever change.
Now I just have to watch out for those traps myself.
current mood: tired
current music: Soul Coughing- Janine
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(comment on this)
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5:03 am
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January 3, 2002
3:36 a.m.
(The break occurred 12/17/98)
I was walking and talking with Brendan's Fiancee, Jane, and saying that I might have been hit by radiation and that I hate being different. I said that sometimes being different seems like a blessing but really its mostly a curse, or seems like a curse. Jane said she thought I might have been hit by radiation too because I always seemed different and maybe mad at her. She mentioned Eric, a kid I knew in West Chester. I talked about Rae and asking her on a date and said she would reject me.
There were various images, a snowy mountain path in twilight, a pool at a hotel and Jane's face. Jane's face changed and she looked different. She had longer hair and kind of silvery red makeup on. Maybe purple metallic. There were white foam bobbers on a rope that crossed the pool. I kind of flew over the pool as I was talking. When I first started talking it seemed like there were other people on the snowy path. Maybe a cloaked person?
Jane also said she usually has a big relationship blowup around Christmas. Jane said Rae might be playing games with me and I kind of half-heartedly agreed.
current mood: awake
current music: Moby Play
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(comment on this)
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4:51 am - Moby?
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Picked this CD out for some reason. Haven't listened to it in probably a year. Let's see.. I'm going to import from ujournal give me a sec.
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(comment on this)
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