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[18 Sep 2003|10:54pm] |
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Well I could sleep forever, but it's of her I dream.
If I could sleep forever, I could forget about everything.
If I could sleep forever.
If I could sleep forever.
If I could sleep forever.
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[18 Sep 2003|08:08pm] |
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Bad mood is over, happily. Decided to start reading more Terry Pratchett, which makes the world a much simpler place. It's 8pm, and all I want to do is sleep. There's got to be more to do than this.
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[18 Sep 2003|12:55pm] |
most of the people i've dealt with in the last week or so have noticed how absolutely antisocial i am right now. it's not that i dislike people, it's just that i need more time with just me. more time to sit and plan and remember who i want to be and what i want to do. time without hundreds of distractions. maybe i'm still hardwired from the summer, but i just need time to relax and be me again.
more time has meant a lot more time to read. i've been flying through books as fast as i can. the last one i read was 'a life without consequences' by stephen elliot. it's a semi-autobiography novel about a boy who runs away, is abused when he returns, and ends up as a ward of the court, flying through all the different systems and houses that are involved there. the book was so good, and so thought-provoking. i finished this morning, and i'm just amazed by all the problems this boy (and partially the author) had to deal with. and then when i was standing in the shower, it hit me. my stepdad used almost the same threats on me. and i stop and think about how different everything would have been if i were more like the kid in this book, instead of like me. what if i would have fought back, or argued more? actually been actively defiant? luckily he didn't ever respond to being passive and quietly angry. that was fine. that was how the world should be. but this book, this simple and powerful little book, just brought it all back. things that happened with my brother, hours spent in counseling, fights with the entire family. i ran away from home once, and came back the next day cold and hungry. but what if things had been just a little bit worse. what if i'd been handcuffed to a pipe and had my head shaved after being beaten, rather than just be threatened?
this kid could have been me. it should have been my brother. what if we had pushed back?
it's just too frightening to think about, and so i go to the afternoon training on recognizing child abuse. irony, if ever there was any.
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| oh, monkey |
[17 Sep 2003|10:52pm] |
Another day at work, pretty ho-hum. Just more training. Tomorrow it's off to somewhere to do the Child Abuse Prevention thing. Video's and group discussions on child abuse. Yeah. One of my favorite ways to spend an afternoon.
I figured out why I'm tired all the time! It's kind of a mixture of the not eating, running around, insomnia and exercise routine with which I have defined my waking hours. I suppose that the being tired a lot is totally outweighed by the fact that I am losing weight again.
What else... finished three books in three days, just about 1500 pages total. More played in FFTA. More planning for school is complete. Oh, my schedule is going crazy. It looks like I'll have to spend more time at the middle school, which means I need to bump my classes to earlier in the day. However, since Fridays are off of work, I could try to get into some Friday discussions, giving me at least some weeknight free. This is insanity, my friends, and I'm going to dive into it headlong.
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| because i want to post again today |
[15 Sep 2003|06:59pm] |
And anyone who doesn't like it will have to deal with the fact that my fingers keep typing.
Work was fun today. It was all basic level training with most of the 5A's staff. Saw YungSoona again, and it looks like that's still going to be fun. I also met the new Rec Lead, and she's a senior out at Churchill. Looks like I'm really going to be the senior lead. We did a lot of talking about the Benson Assets and different characteristics of various age levels... stuff like that. We also did this cool get to know you game where we each had a superhero's name taped to our back and had to run around introducing ourselves to people and then asking them one question about our person. No one knew who mine was, and I ended up getting a hint from someone who just didn't have a clue but mentioned a halo, so I knew it had to be Archangel. Which is so cool, because he's the best and I want friggin wings. Best superhero power? That's right. Flight.
Anyway, it was a good day. Beasts are being slain and the world is slowly coming together. However, I don't get financial aid until the 1st, and won't get paid until after that. Which makes buying books and paying rent kind of a difficult and frightening proposition. Well, not that bad, really. The world is going to be okay.
I'm going to read now. I have about a million books to read, and now I'm going to spend some time reading them. And if anyone knows why I can't vacuum kitty litter off my floor, please, let me know. Even better, if you want to come over and scrape the kitty off my floor, I'll be your new best friend.
I hate being bored and broke at the same time.
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| say i'm the only bee in your bonnet |
[15 Sep 2003|12:54pm] |
OK, so that went well. It looks like they're going to be easy on me, and I'll be perfectly fine this term. And by perfectly fine, I'm lying, but that's okay. I was expecting to take a little more time at Oregon Hall, so now I'm at the library and I have another hour to kill before heading to work. Luckily, I have the new Terry Goodkind book which I am doomed to hate yet must read. Sometimes I can't stand my reading habits.
So, did I mention I'll be taking 24 credits this term? So much for easy re-entry into the academic life. Three math classes which I won't recieve credit for, and three core requirement classes to make sure I keep my full-time status. I wanted a second job, but that might just go on hold for now... next term I will be back down to a managable 12 credits, but this term will be hell. Just letting you know in advance that no, I probably won't have time to hang out with you.
I guess I wanted an alternative to constant boredom...
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[15 Sep 2003|10:23am] |
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Right right... that whole stupid weekend thing.... and NOW, I go to war with the University of Oregon's financial aid system.
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| pay attention |
[14 Sep 2003|09:59pm] |
Just wanted to let the world know that I am unhappy. Details are unimportant, but there is a thread of unease and distress running through everything right now. Call it man-PMS or whatever else you want, but I'm really not in the mood for things to go badly.
That's all I really had to say.
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| emotional denial |
[14 Sep 2003|04:09pm] |
Right, so I ended up going to the wedding.
Wait, first of all, I just spent four and a half hours getting from Portland to Eugene. Big tanker flipped and exploded, sending cars around on this crazy detour. Just bad news. I finished my book on the way back, and now I'm just tired. So absolutely drained. Possibly a nap, and then off to play volleyball. I need more physical activity.
Wedding. The wedding was amazing. Rachel looked so happy, and Robyn is still cool. And I got to see Adam, Jessica, and a few other people I'd lost track of, and that was very very cool. Then again, I also saw Amanda again, and I have the strangest feeling that she has again ruined any chance of me dating anytime soon. She did it once, and just talking to her again made so many things come back that were gone. Gone! 5 years is supposed to make it all go away! She still looks absolutely amazing. And we talked for just a little while and it seemed like the world shrunk down... screw you, you know what I'm talking about, even if you're laughing right now.
Anyway, I, once again, hate myself for letting that one get away. Woohoo. I love self-loathing.
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[12 Sep 2003|06:35pm] |
OH GOD.
Rachel is getting married. TOMORROW. I need to get to Salem tomorrow afternoon. I can't miss this wedding! Adam, who I haven't talked to in months, is now berating me and telling me I need to go... or else.
Oh god oh god oh god.
The whole world from high school is going to be there. I may die.
Fortunately, since I can't get there, the question of my death is rather moot.
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| this machine will not communicate |
[10 Sep 2003|11:27pm] |
Wow. I don't even know where to begin. Wait, yes I do.
Solaris is the slowest movie on record. Unlike Gangs of New York, it didn't seem like an endless 8 hour marathon of long and boring. Rather, I realize that I only spent the actual runtime of the movie watching it, I just have no recollection of anything actually happening. I mean, George Clooney goes to space... by himself... because he's a shrink and they need to find out why this space station isn't talking to Earth anymore. This really sounds like the beginning of a lot of bad sci-fi novels about space marines and the like. But no, George is just a shrink. Definitely no skills in the matter of alien dispatch. Turns out, it doesn't matter. The rest of the movie is a long sequence of dreams and talks and meanderings, but nothing is really discussed. Is the movie just supposed to be thought-provoking? Because we talked for two seconds about the nature of reality (I think) when we were taking a what-the-heck-is-going-on type of moment, and that was really the only message that was conveyed... and it wasn't conveyed, we were just curious and made it up. In fact, the coolest part of the movie just happened while I was typing this... and there's no tv here. Ty came upstairs to show me that he had put a noose around the DVD case and said that the movie couldn't take our harsh criticism. And then we made fun of the 'themes' of the movie and how they related. I won't tell you the 'themes' because I want you to have to go through the pain of watching this 'movie' yourself.
Next up on the agenda is the fact that I was visited TWICE in one day by Church members looking to get me back into active status. Every once in a while, I consider the fact that I am a bad person for putting religion way to the back of my personal priority list. I mean, the fact that I did it kind of means that it isn't at all a priority, because a person who believed wouldn't have done it. But then I go back to the ward and realize the many ways in which I don't want to be there. The whole drama of my personal religious beliiefs (or the lack thereof) aside, I hate people coming to my door. No matter what I may think, I do not tolerate making my roommates and friends feel uncomfortable or that they are being preached to. Believe me, I hate it when people preach at me and I don't want to listen... I really don't want to inflict that on others. And in the past I've made that clear, but I guess I haven't mentioned it recently. At least the missionaries are nice guys. These other local people need some work.
What else. I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow morning, training starts Monday, I'm supposed to be writing some story for Cari, and I'm absolutely without fundage. Fun, fun, fun. I can't wait to get to sleep and wake up tomorrow and pretend I'm an academic again. It's such a good dream.
Oh yeah, and my asshole limit has been reached and surpassed. When you annoy me and I don't laugh because you aren't funny? Yeah. Just remember I warned you.
There's a girl I know who has the same favorite book I do, and the same favorite poem I do. And the same second favorite book. I don't know why I keep thinking about that.
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[06 Sep 2003|11:12pm] |
I'd really enjoy it if things made a little more sense. Like, for instance, the fact that the two things that help my migraines the most are caffiene and sleep... well, I'd like to think caffiene helps. Maybe it's just that I really wanted Vanilla Coke. Or a walk to the store, stumbling in the bright lights of passing SUV's. As soon as I get back to school, there will be a little trip to the Health Center which will involve a recommendation for a neurologist who will probe my brain with a wonderful MRI.... they will find a brain tumor, it will be removed, and after a long rehabilitation where I remember how to speak, my head will stop hurting for no reason.
I can dream, can't I?
In other news... wait, news? There is no news. I'm bored out of my mind. Still one more week before work starts. Probably that long before I can check financial aid.
Oh, don't even let me consider not getting enough aid. I will flip. Flip ya for real. (Is that even English?)
I really want to leave. I'm not sure what I want to leave exactly, but I know I want to go and get rid of some of this baggage.
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[05 Sep 2003|12:46am] |
Have I mentioned that there is a kitten in my room right now? Someone, just put food outside my door. Between kitten (Grau), FFTA and some good books, I think I can entertain myself for a good long while. Oh, how I have missed owning cats.
Too tired to post anything worthy of posting. Yeah, like I do that anyway.
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[04 Sep 2003|03:18pm] |
Phase One is now complete. I am once again a student at the U of O, just not registered for the next term. And I'll have to wait to see financial aid statements before I can do that. Life just became an infinitely better place.
More to come... I suppose.
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| good times |
[03 Sep 2003|12:17am] |
Yes. Just got back from seeing the concert of goodness, Finger Eleven (and some other people). Finger Eleven was great, except for the fact that someone messed up and they went first out of four, which means the stage wasn't really made for them, and their set list was very small. Oh, and audiences always hate the first band. No energy at all for what was easily the best act. I was really really happy.
Actually, Evanescence was good. They had fun, doing covers of Smashing Pumpkins and Metallica... they even got some random guy up who knew the words to one of the songs. Revis was all right... the lead singer was high energy, but his band was boring. The crowd loved it anyway, because they are ignorant people from Springfield. Cold was actually pretty good, though I'd never heard of them before.
The best concert I've ever gone to was Bad Religion, because it was so high energy. The band was awesome, and the entire audience wanted to be there listening to them. They all wanted to jump up and down and mosh to Bad Religion. And it was so fast and so good and so adrenaline-filled... it was amazing. I hope that if we see Finger Eleven in Vancouver BC, that it will be a similar sort of thing.
So, bedtime... hopefully I can hear correctly soon.
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[01 Sep 2003|11:08pm] |
Tomorrow I find out if my plans to go back to school are even halfway going to work. Part two, the financial aid portion of our little play, will be figured soon, and at that point I may truly be a student at the U of O, or I may just be truly screwed. I'm so stressed out.
Ryan is mainly moved out, which is creating a vacuum of stuff flying around the house to destinations unknown. The whole feeling is messy, and I can't fix it yet. But never fear, my room will soon again return to my normal minimalist tendencies, and I will feel about one million percent better. However, I am going to be bringing my things back down from Portland, and everything here will seem normal.
Years ago, I came up with the theory that something was worth keeping if it fell into a few very important categories. Things that a personally relevant to me as long as they are important. Basic needs and supplies. Books. Computer type things. This originally came up because I kept moving and I was tired of moving things, so I dumped everything I didn't require in my life. Then, my mom got divorced and moved out, leaving my ex-step-dad with about half of my worldly goods. They may still exist, but I doubt it. Then she acquired some of the furniture she was storing while I was off in South Carolina... this sort of forced me into new levels of minimalist... the broke part and thingless part. And, while some may think that would suck beyond measure, it never ever bothered me. Things bother me.
At some point, I feel that I should start putting down roots, so I may be spending some money soon to buy things I want to keep. Things that should go in rooms and span beyond the essential categories. This idea frightens me, because with things comes permanence, and with a continual existence comes commitments... and I've never been very good at even the most basic commitments like "will you be living in the state next year?"
I couldn't really tell you why I'm rambling about this. On some level, I suppose I'm highly jealous of people who have things, and I'm thinking about it because Ryan has things. Things which denote the fact that he exists and succeeds. Whereas if a volcano erupted, burying us in ash and killing us instantly, archeologists of the future would find our homes perfectly preserved and they would think my room was a guest room or other strange place... definitely not a real living space.
Again, why am I rambling. I'm done with that now.
I feel the need to explain myself to people, since I don't feel they understand some of the basic premises I operate under. But I'm done with that now. Maybe you'll get a lesson in Ricardology someday soon.
Females may now call me Ritchie, but only if they add the T. I have transcended my childhood, and this option has now been opened.
What else should I post about... did I mention I was jealous of Ryan [ rsalerno], because I am. He is the coolest man alive, many critics believe. His latest post makes me jealous. I was talking to one of the girls I worked with this summer, and she asked me if I'd sworn of girls after my experiences at camp. And I said, no, not really. And she said "Why? Girls are dumb. You have Ryan!" Apparently I talked him up, and girls from across the lands swoon whenever his name is mentioned. This made me laugh.
Tomorrow night is the Finger Eleven concert! I will be amazed. Evanescence will also be there, which has me considerably less than amazed. You compare Thousand Mile Wish to anything Evanescence has put out, and you tell me which is art and which is not so artsy. Then again, why in the world would I want to influence you? I get to see the good concert. Ha!
And with that, this long-winded post will come to an end. I'll have some news tomorrow, and we'll see if my life is truly about to take a huge upswing for the better.
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| waste of bytes |
[31 Aug 2003|12:19pm] |
That's it. I'm not dealing with this bad habit anymore. It stops today! I know everyone thinks I'll fail, but you just wait. I won't be addicted anymore. That's right. No more food. I'm tired of the pain and disillusionment. I'm tired of always failing because of my unhealthy needs. Food, thou art my bane eternal.
Yesterday was spectacularly awesome. Except for my slightly fat lip.
If I'm lucky, I will soon have FF Tactics Advance. Yes, that's right. I'm a geek. But I'll have the game before you.
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| in the garage |
[28 Aug 2003|04:19pm] |
And in an afternoon of infinite goodness, I just got a lot of writing done. Exciting. Cathartic. Stress relieving. Goodness.
Once again, I need new music! If you have any suggestions (and, of course, I know you all do) please leave them in the comments so I can try them out. Any type of music is good, as long as it's something I don't have.... which really leaves things wide open since I don't have a whole lot.
Hmm. So now I'm noticing the fact that I haven't eaten yet today and that I need to take a shower. It's only 4... I suppose I can pretend to start my day, even if I have been up for quite a few hours already.
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[26 Aug 2003|07:10pm] |
The part of me that only wants to run off and escape my reality has found it's voice and is making itself known once again, drowning out all the rest of the many voices clamoring for my attention. I want to pack my bag, walk off into the wilds of civilization and just vanish.
Funny, since things seem to be going so well...
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