| the warmth between |
[06 Feb 2003|10:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 scared |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i've spent this time wasting |
] |
the days are full but feel shorter
and things are made and unmade
when broken allows the edge to be explored
and undersides are overturned
i'm slipping back into habits and reactions
i'm wondering about wondering about wondering
how all of this transpired
but the answer is the same as the motion
of bringing open palms over ears
rest inbetween the doubt and the fear
blankets of insecurity
leave me alone like we never knew eachother
because i am starting to memorize
the contours of your face
and the ends of your sentences
so i'm disappearing again
and blaming the sideways
(the directions that can't be discussed)
|
|
| 1st day of school jitters. |
[21 Jan 2003|08:01am] |
today - i begin college.
my life is going to be very busy yet very focused.
and i'm so scared!
so scared of failing. so scared of social aspects. scared of distractions. scared of stress. scared of being overly confident in my abilities. scared of being not confident enough.
but i'm rejoicing. i'm full of joy at the same time.
finally the time has come for my life to change and for my future to be sculpted.
it's the countdown from here...
this is my life changing and the fruit of my efforts coming into blossom - and the eventual harvest of myself and my independence.
yeah, so wish me luck and success.
M
|
|
| the pieces of the agenda complete the border |
[13 Jan 2003|01:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
school
work
this will be my life for awhile.
wish me luck.
M
|
|
| brotherscollegeandtheblah blah blah |
[04 Jan 2003|09:41pm] |
MeganUpdate time:
Three main things going on in my life:
1] College starts soon! Finally. I'm going to be so amazingly swamped but I can't wait! I took my "placement tests" today. Math + Megan = Ungoodly. I think I did well on the grammar, comprehension, and sentence structure part of the English test - but I do think that the essay I wrote today was the worst thing I've written in a very long time.
Horrible. Piece of shit cheeseball essay. BAH!
Although I was displeased with the context and slightly irritated with the form - I think I did a decent job of showing that I am capable of entering into the Freshman english course. Jeez, a Freshman at 25..I do everything backwards.
2]My little twin brothers: Thank you for the prayers because my little brothers are doing very well; gaining weight, overcoming the health challenges, and having very loving amazing parents and people around them!
I got pictures of them today in the mail and you wouldn't believe how tiny they are. My stepmother is in a picture holding two winnie the pooh bears and the bears are bigger than my brothers. There are also pictures of my dad and stepmom holding them both seperately and I swear to God their lil' heads are the size of my two fists held together. And I have some small hands. Amazing. Miracles. Beautiful. I can't wait to meet them!!!
3] I had my consultation with my cardiologist on Thursday and found out exactly what was up with the heart murmur and what condition I have and all of that. So it turns out that I have a small leak in one of my valves. Not fatal - not serious beyond the fact that it's my heart.
It does cause a murmur and some small palpatations because it disrupts the flow of blood. Very few restrictions: only one caffeinated drink a day (bleh), no medication/drugs that increase/decrease heartbeat (this includes "day-time" medication alternatives like "Sudafed" because they have ephedrine in them which increases the heartbeat), antibiotics before dental visits (this is because when a dentist works on your teeth blood and bacteria from your mouth mix together and get reabsorbed into the bloodstream and people wtih heart conditions are more susceptible to heart infection) and of course, the dreaded quit smoking.
So that's about it. Things are moving right along...
Life is good, overwhelming but good. Trying to save money for car/school/life junk. I'm doing a fairly good job especially since the christmas season is over.
Love and junk,
M
|
|
| i'll stretch thin - this trampoline me |
[31 Dec 2002|12:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
beckbeckbeck |
] |
whats a little stress and a lot less time
i like outside when it looks like my insides
i fall asleep with the television on because it makes me feel less lonely
i hate to ask for favors when you look so disgusted
i dreamed about his ugly face last night and wondered if my subconscious was ready for passing that on to my conscious mind.
i felt older and i noticed wrinkles
where will i be in ten years?
somewhere where you are not.
and yes, i am bitter...
because yes, i am better.
if i keep going on this way i will still be.
and it doesn't matter if i like it because it keeps happening
i'll fall in love with the image of the curve that the cycle presents
maybe i'll hop a bus and read poetry to strangers
why does this feel like goodbye?
|
|
| prayer and hope |
[23 Dec 2002|10:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
One of my new twin brothers was sick last week.
My Dad says that the doctors took care of everything
but I'm still worried.
So if any of you want to say a prayer or send healing energy out into the Universe or wish on stars or whatever you believe in for my little brother Ethan
that he recovers and that good health finds him, I would really really appreciate it.
Thank you,
M
|
|
| i love the shape of yr shoulder. |
[23 Dec 2002|12:52am] |
i love the way the icicles form upwards
to block my words from yr ears.
yr silent treatment
is a bottled treatment
a sanctuary
where you store
yr lies like oversized trinkets
on little shelves of denial
it's not what i said
it's what you didn't want to hear
|
|
| theweekbegins..a normal update. |
[16 Dec 2002|01:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
classical - art forum public access television |
] |
today.
i worked.
but prior to working i got disturbing family news after a "nap" which was supposed to be a full nights sleep.
everyone is fine...just my brother (the 18 year old one) learning some big lessons about life and himself.
i'm glad that he talks to me. i worry about him.
and then to the madhouse of a mall (remind me to NEVER do that again) to pick up a CD that the wherehouse was holding for me.
and tomorrow it's down to the college.
then finish up the holiday shopping.
then home to work on my christmas projects.
(i love that i've made/am making so many gifts this year).
let's see - the rest of the week goes like so:
Tuesday..work. work on christmas gifts beforehand. finish gifts for far away family.
Wednesday..work. before work, send holiday packages to far away family in texas and illinois.
Thursday..work. finish up gifts.
(see a pattern here?)
and Friday! TORI! YAY! FINALLY!
(take notice of the break in the pattern, it is an important one)
Saturday..work. sleep. breathe.
and on w/ the pattern.
i meant to be very good w/ money this season, however...
i couldn't stop myself from buying this lovely black and white neverbeenworn striped shirt w/ a beautiful neckline and a grey, black, & white scarf. but the price was nice at our new Salvation Army *does a dance* which is not only less than a mile away, but on my way to the bus stop. dangerous but fabulous.
salvation army isn't my favorite - but all the other thrift stores in town are blech and the few in the city that i frequent are overpriced.
it can't be too bad if i found two things i wanted in ten minutes.
let's see, what else.
my mother and i are arguing, but whats new w/ that?
i got one of those handheld tape recorders, which is exciting. although i'm very very self conscious of myself on recordings and always sound hesitant...perhaps this will be the solution.
i've been writing a lot lately - inspired by completing yet another journal.
i got to see brina today - it was a short visit but i love that girl. we had a quick lunch (of course we ate the same thing: veggies, rice, tofu) and then off to work for me. bleh.
musicmusicmusic. (but that's always, right?)
and that's about it for now.
same old girl: family, school, art, music, friends, writing.
M
|
|
|
[13 Dec 2002|12:40pm] |
My twin brothers were born last night.
Stephen Ranaan and Ethan Day :)
I'm so excited!
I have so many siblings it's amazing.
And I am the oldest of them all.
|
|
| can you come to dinner? (excerpts from my paper journal) |
[12 Dec 2002|12:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hazeldine |
] |
*
slice slowly
straight line across the surface
notice the perimeter
is the exact shape of
yr brother's cheek while he sleeps
pay close attention to the coloring.
if it does not exactly match
monroeredlipstick
it is safe to scream
at the
top of yr lungs
yr right hand man
yr left behind
but not the bottom
of yr heart or the sea
(especially in cases when they are the same but indifferent)
*
make no mistake, passerby
the window is phantom lit
and the witness to my bad habit
inside a room with a door open
only out of courtesy
i bow to the bed for it's flawlessness
i am the chief to my papertribe
i am the queen of nothingland
nemo's parents got nothin' on him
or me
because my dad knows greek
*
it's a thinking day.
i forget silence exists
so my ears never become lonely
(i feel disconnected)
or perhaps
my ears are disconnecting
they've never met externally
only internally
on either side of the nation of my head i sense geography.
the middle of my history and i'm breathing.
the canal is where i hide the music.
*
theory:
if "far" is the subject, "away" is the verb.
(and the midnight conversation is the missed night of rest of the rest of yr life)
dissection is necessary - my hypothesis to fill in the cells
i guess "movement" but do not see it.
*
|
|
| college for the deprived. |
[11 Dec 2002|12:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rumblegorpsleengateen |
] |
i want to go to college.
they make it as difficult as possible.
i am very frustrated.
i like short sentences.
i like short processes.
getting ready for school is not a short process.
fill out this form and that form and still
we are unsure of your residency status
so you must come in and complete the process
all over again megan because you are "undetermined"...
(i didn't need someone else telling me that i am undetermined, really)
so today, i am frustrated.
but I AM DETERMINED to make things happen.
so back down to the college on friday to get it fucking done.
i will NOT take no, maybe, or come back later for an answer.
not this time...my shit will be in order.
so take that ridiculous college residency process of redundancy!
I will not be foiled by yr tediousness!
but until then - i must work and go to the dmv and work again - and life is just one long tedious process repeating and repeating and repeating.
|
|
| the rock and roll alarm clock saga |
[10 Dec 2002|08:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
groggy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
xfiles reruns |
] |
i lie my body against the sheets
and feel the seperation
of insomnia.
(how my body is hard and the mattress will not give).
i think of writing a book entitled,
"poems for the people i could not love"
and write fragments of songs i would sing them.
if i wrote songs.
but i don't - so they end up sounding like
suess-isms for the brokenhearted.
i resent the alarm clock.
it should sing me to sleep as boldly
as it screams me awake.
and at some point i finally
find the right position
the absence of thought
and sleep comes like a trainwreck.
and as my subconscious passes through
the town of morning -
the alarm clock blows the whistle on my rest.
good morning rainy day.
|
|
| sevenhourstretch |
[08 Dec 2002|01:05am] |
learn how
magicians feel
when the grief
sets in
after the
disappearing act
succeeds.
learn
the true meaning
of east
is "indefinite"
|
|
| i'm very aware that my hair is a mess |
[07 Dec 2002|01:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dashboardconfessional/bjork |
] |
can you do the dance
of tantrum?
(and learning to twist yr ankle)?
yr appropriate
and fit well, behind my left ear.
i'll just let
yr lines chase me
from my chair
i'm very aware that my hair
is a mess.
mr you and so and so
(fasting from communion)
i genuflect and walk backwards
through the entryway
|
|
| presence. |
[06 Dec 2002|09:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
modestmouse |
] |
and in(between) breathing
lies the deceit of inexistence
rate equals distance over time
and at the rate
this is going
i'd rather not divide
i'd rather let the equation
stand still and feel the lines
and learn to bend
(i deflect)
the "should know" is oragami
for the action
become practiced at the manipulation
of reason before
you go out yr front door.
the (head)space behind
the bedroom door
is not easily transferred
to measurement
fingerlengths or longer.
|
|
| if this tracing paper conversation pleases you... |
[02 Dec 2002|10:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
death cab for cutie... |
] |
if this tracing paper conversation pleases you
pass the glance my way
the looks are lips we pass
back and forth like gamepieces
i wonder when the revisit
will end
will take less time
and no effort
i'm in love with doubt
over and over
i'm in love with contagious
i'm in love with
my attraction
failing scientific explanation.
biology is more than blood and less than stars...
i'm no astronomer but
isn't that venus or
are the stars brighter than usual tonight.
|
|
| This Song is by Bright Eyes |
[02 Dec 2002|10:06pm] |
|
have you noticed
the darker colors here?
theres something wrong with me
seems like you've
been gone awhile
and theres no sign of you
ever coming back here
getting drunker
than i've ever been before
the moon is laughing
at all my disasters
summers ending
sooner than we would have liked
but i can('t) touch the ceiling
if i jumped from a bridge
would you
follow me down
i would like you too
getting drunker
than i've ever been before
the moon is laughing
at all my disasters
i can't feel you
and your stupid notions
you're swimming back to shore
without me
without me
without me
without me
have you noticed
the darker colors here?
theres something wrong with you.
|
|
| Google "Megan is" update... |
[27 Nov 2002|12:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
Megan is the Devil! Megan is partially correct. Megan is a Full-time Job. Megan is number 2000, and after he grants her three wishes, he can return as King of the Upper Tier. ( Read more... )
|
|
| the way winter is a contortionist |
[26 Nov 2002|11:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lethargic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
by the time i fall down again... |
] |
swift belonging to a morning
the machine of my body exposed
the flangehearted
i witness behind the skin
a sunbeating
and toowarmforthisweather sweater
i eat alone and
pen letters to my cousin in jail
agenditis diagnosis
and wonder at beauty fading
and plurality
she points to where brain surgery
has left her tender
and removes one arm of her eyeglasses
to prevent ache
(the habit of mynah birds)
|
|
