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Worst Date Ever, part 4

Welcome to part 4! If you missed the previous entries:

• Part 1: The End
• Part 2: Meet the Evil Ex and The Waitress
• Part 3a: Meet The Artiste
• Part 3b: Meet Crabs

This is my longest blog entry ever. You might want to get a beverage before reading it.

Episode IV:
A NEW HOPE

(A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title. War drums echo through the heavens as yellow text scrolls from the foreground to the background. Blog readers hum the main theme from Star Wars.)

It is a period of great unrest in the life of the ACCORDION GUY. Plagued by the EVIL EX-GIRLFRIEND and babysitting friends with POOR IMPULSE CONTROL, our hero has his sights set on THE WAITRESS.

Unfortunately, The Waitress is involved with a cur known as THE ARTISTE, a vessel of POINTLESS ART STUDENT BABBLE and ODOR-CAUSING BACTERIA.

Unbeknownst to our hero, a series of EVENTS is about to unfold. Events that will change everything...

Chicks Dig It

It was a good day.

I spent most of it hammering away at my laptop at Tequila Bookworm and ended up finishing my report ahead of schedule. I shut down the laptop and moved from my usual perch at the bar to one of the easy chairs in the back with a copy of Maxim.

I was undisturbed for about half an hour before a British voice startled me as I was reading an interview with Kelly Lynch.

"A Maxim reader. There's no end to a Scorpio's depravity, is there?"

"Well if it isn't my favourite Scorpiophile. What d'you suppose is worse, a Scorpio, or a Scorpio groupie?"

"Touche."

She peered over the cover the magazine. One page was filled with the text of the interview, while the other had a full-page photo of Ms. Lynch wearing only a construction helmet and vest, posing strategically behind a jackhammer she was supposedly operating. She clucked in mock disapproval.

"That's art, you know," I said in my defense.

"And this?" she said, pointing to the copy of Spock's World from the cafe's bookshelves that I just finished reading.

"You can't keep a good Trekkie down," I said. "Besides, it's kind of fun reading someone's imaginings of the history of the planet Vulcan. And Bones comes off as completely un-redneck in --"

Oops. The geek factor might have been a bit much. "Ah, never mind."

"Anyway," she said with a little sigh, "the reason I came over here is that I was wondering if you knew if there was anything going on tonight. I have the night off and I'm a little bored."

"I was planning on going to 'Chicks Dig It' tonight."

Chicks Dig It is a DJ night that takes place every Monday -- even to this day -- that spotlights women DJs, a rarity in the business.

"The sounds perfect. Would you mind if [The Artiste] and I came along with you?"

Couldn't we drop The Artiste off at a kennel first? I thought.

"Sure," I said, "what say I meet you here at around 10 tonight?"

---

I met The Waitress and The Artiste at the Bookworm at the appointed time. The Waitress was reading the issue of Maxim that I'd been reading earlier that day, while The Artiste was reading a Milan Kundera novel -- which one, I forget -- in the most obvious look-at-how-deep-i-am manner possible.

"'Ell-o, Jo-way," said The Artiste, "We are goeeng to be dancing to the electroneeeka tonight, yes?"

You weeel be keeping your malodorous bah-dee downweeend, yes? I thought.

"Uh-huh," I answered. "DJ Chocolate's spinning tonight, and she's quite good."

"Let's get going!" said The Waitress, and off the three of us went.

On the way there, The Artiste told us about school in his native country.

"We used to wear these red...cloths...how do you say?"

I'll be damned, I thought. People really do say "How do you say" with Euro accents.

"Neck-ker-chiffs," he said, treading on each syllable as if it were an eggshell. "We 'ad to wear them as part of the Junior Communist League. We called them 'Leneeen's Diaper'. Ha ha ha!"

I couldn't help but think of the Trotsky line. Oh, how I wanted to acquaint his head with the pavement.

We arrived at the club just in time to catch the start of DJ Chocolate's set.

"C'mon, [The Artiste], let's dance!" implored The Waitress.

"No, no, I prefer to stand steeel and leesten," said The Artiste. "You dance...weeth...weeth your leetle friends. And Jo-Way."

I wasn't going to argue. And we danced for most of the night. The Artiste leered at her, but spent some time mentally undressing some of the other girls there too.

At the end of the evening, I bade The Waitress and her loser boyfriend farewell and started unlocking my bike for the ride home. I had conflicting feelings: happiness from having danced with her all night, but annoyance that in the end, I was just the opening act and The Artiste was the headliner.

I'd just tossed the U-lock into my bike bag when The Waitress came up behind me.

"Hey, this was fun. We'll have to do this again," she said. "Here, give me your phone number, and I'll give you my pager number."

After the exchange, she hugged me goodbye and ran off to join The Artiste.

Well, I got digits, I thought. Now if only we could lose [The Artiste].

Adios, loser!

A few days later, another friend of mine who waited tables at the Bookworm told me that The Waitress and The Artiste broke up acrimoniously.

"I don't know the exact details," said The Other Waitress, "but apparently he'd been stalking her after the breakup. He'd follow her around all day, and finally, after he'd been loitering all day here, she snapped and dumped a pitcher of water on his head."

"It's probably closest he's come to bathing in months," I said.

I wondered how long an appropriate waiting period I should leave before giving her a ring to go and "hang out" would be.

"Hey, [The Other Waitress]," I said, "tell me what you know about [The Waitress]."

An Unexpected Call

A week had passed.

I was expecting it to be a mellow Saturday night. My uncle had invited the whole extended family to dinner at a Chinese restaurant downtown, and after that, I had no plans for the evening. I thought that I might go down to the 'Worm for a late-evening coffee and thumbing through both Harper's and Maxim.

My phone rang. I excused myself from the table and tried to find a quiet corner of the restaurant. Since it was a Chinese restaurant, there were no quiet corners to be found. I took the call in the entrance stairway.

"Hello, is this Joey?" It was The Waitress.

"Hi, [The Waitress]! Great to hear from you! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I got off work early and was wondering if you'd like to join me for a drink."

This would normally be the point during which I would wake up. However, no such thing happened, which meant that this was really happening.

"I would love to. When would you like to meet?"

"In about half an hour? At Tequila Bookworm?"

"Perfect. Dinner's winding down right now, so I should be able to meet you there and then. Looking forward to it."

"Me too. Bye."

I hit the "end" button on the phone and did a little victory dance.

"Who da man?" I asked myself.

"You da man!" I replied.

"Damn skippy, yo!" I said back.

I clapped my hands over my head. "Self high-five!"

(Yes, it was dorky. You'd have done it too.)

---

Since I was already dressed for an evening out, I biked straight to Tequila Bookworm from the restaurant. The Waitress was sitting at the bar, reading a book. This was the first time I'd seen her dressed to go out: she wore a grey halter top and gray skirt. She looked hot.

"Hello!" I said. "You look great. I love your outfit."

"Thank you," she said, greeting me with a hug. "I'm dying for a drink."

I suggested that we go next door to Taro Grill, where they placed us in a quiet, out-of-the-way booth. We ordered Amaretto Sours and started trading stories about ourselves. I told her about how I got kicked out of the Yamaha Organ School. In return, she told me about some strange game she and her friends played at the age of thirteen in boarding school: she was the Faerie Queene, but since she was a bad Faerie Queene, she had to submit to many spankings.

"Clearly all the porn flicks that take place in a boarding school have an element of truth to them," I observed.

We spent an hour or so just getting to know each other. It was the first chance we'd had to actually have a conversation that wasn't interrupted by the demands of her job nor any programming I did on my laptop at Tequila Bookworm. There were no dull moments or awkward silences; the conversation flowed like water.

My phone rang. I answered it.

"Hey, Joey! It's [Crabs]!"

"Hey man, what's up?"

"The Bears and me, we're at Buddies right now. You wanna come dancing?"

"Hold on," I said and turned to The Waitress. "My friend is at Buddies in Bad Times. They've got a great dance night tonight and has invited me. Do you want to come along?"

"That sounds like fun! I like dancing with you."

This has got to be the best date ever, I thought.

Girl, I want to take you to a gay bar

There was a line outside Buddies. Normally, I'd have been annoyed -- sometimes you had to wait for an hour before you'd be able to get in -- but with my present company, I'd have gladly waited a week.

We started talking with two people behind us: a guy from Glasgow whom I'll call Renton (after the Trainspotting character) and a girl from Toronto. They'd somehow met through exchanging letters, so I'll call her Pen Pal.

Pen Pal told me that she'd been showing Renton around Toronto for the whole week and that this was his last night in town. She'd decided to take him here, as it was probably quite unlike anything in Glasgow.

Renton was eyeing two raver girls who were making out behind him.

"I love this city! Are there beautiful girls snogging everywhere?" he asked.

"On every corner," I replied, "and often in regulation French maid outfits. It's the law."

We waited a good forty minutes before we were let inside, but it didn't matter. We were having such a good time talking that I didn't notice the time passing.

Once inside, it didn't take long to find Crabs, who was with his friends, The Bears. The Bears were big bearded men with pot bellies, both wearing Hawaiian shirts. I did the introductions and bought a round of drinks.

Me and Crabs. At this point, the evening is still going well.

"You're a cute couple," said Pen Pal to me. "How long have you been going out?"

"We're not going out...yet," I said. "This is just a date. Of sorts. She called me up for drinks."

"Oh, she likes you. You're a handsome man," she said.

Ooh, a date and an ego-boost. It's good to be the king.

Me and Pen Pal. She's actually quite cute when she's not pixelated.

The music was as eclectic as ever. The DJ wrapped up a three-song alt-rock set with Spacehog's In the Meantime... and started a dance set with ABBA's Take a Chance on Me. Upon hearing the opening a capella, "If you change your mind...", The Bears went berserk.

(The only real difference between gay bars and straight bars, when you boil it down to basics, is whether it's the boys or the girls who scream when ABBA comes on.)

"C'mon," said The Waitress, taking me by the hand and pulling me towards the crowd, "I want to dance. Follow me."

"Anywhere," I replied, although I'm sure she didn't hear it.

We danced for a half-dozen songs, flirting all the while. The music was great, my dance partner was cute, and I was having the time of my life.

After a few more songs, we decided to take a break from dancing. I led her off into a quiet corner of the stage.

"I'm having a great time," I told her. "I'm so glad you called."

"Me too. I knew I was going to have fun if I called you."

"You can call me anytime."

"You know, I've had my eye on you for a while."

"Me too."

Is this really happening? I wondered.

This was end-of-a-John-Hughes-movie moment, the sort of thing airline pilots would call a "textbook landing". It was time to close the deal. I put an arm around her waist and drew her closer. Our faces were closing, maybe only an inch apart now...

...when I felt a hand on my shoulder, pulling me back. What the hell?

I turned around to see who was trying to ruin the best date ever.

It was Renton.

"I really need to speak with you, Joe," he said. "It's...it's very important."

"Not now, [Renton]. This is a really bad time."

"Please."

Is this really happening? I wondered, again.

The Waitress squeezed my hand. "See what he wants," she said.

I sighed and squeezed her hand back. "Okay. Wait here. Think very impure thoughts."

That got a smile.

Renton's lament

"[Renton], " I said, "[The Waitress] and I were...you see, I'm trying to have a moment here. A moment, which I might add, you fucking interrupted at the fucking wrong time. Whatever it is you interrupted me for had better be very im--"

No sign of my rant seemed to register on his face.

"Hello?!" I shouted at Renton. "Did you hear any of what I just said?!"

"I'm in love with [Pen Pal] and my heart is breaking, Joe," he said, the sound of unrequited love mixing in with his Scottish brogue, "You look like a bloke who's got it together. What should I do?"

You sir, I thought, are sadly mistaken. Any "having-it-together-ness" he might have been seeing was the product of blind luck and metaphorical duct tape.

Pen Pal was a short distance away, dancing and flirting with a gaggle of guys on the stage. The song playing was The Prodigy's Firestarter. During the breakdown, where the rhythm cuts out, leaving nothing but a falling synth line, she planted a "but wait, there's more" peck on the cheek of a guy who looked just like Indie Rock Pete.

I'd have been well within my rights to say "Well, fella, 'tis better to have loved and lost, yadda, yadda, yadda." That, or the less sympathetic "You must have me mistaken for someone who gives a shit." Surely there's some chapter in Miss Manners or a similar book on etiquette where it says that it's bad form to interrupt a guy about to have his first kiss with a cute blonde with a sexy British accent.

However, I couldn't just leave him there. The poor guy looked broken and had a beaten-puppy-dog expression on his face. I recognized his posture as the Slouch of Ignominious Defeat. He was where I was, in the sense of state-of-mind, not too long ago. He was also in a strange city an ocean away from home with no one to turn to. It would've been nice if I had someone to turn to at the club when I was feeling low. I couldn't just leave him there in good conscience.

"Be with you in a minute," I said with a sigh.

I turned to face The Waitress, who'd been right behind me all this time, her hand in mine. Even just holding her hand was such a kick.

"He looks like he could use a friend," she said.

"Let me talk him down. And then we can, um, pick up where we left off."

"That sounds fair," she said, with a smile.

"You're the best," I said, and gave her a slow peck on the cheek, as a way of saying "Thank you for your patience. You will be rewarded handsomely."

"C'mon," I said, as I started to cut through the crowd on the dance floor. "Bar. Now."

Impromptu counselling and butterscotch schnapps

"I need cheap and plentiful drinkage for a heartbroken friend to drown his sorrows," I told the bartender.

"We've got butterscotch schnapps, a buck-fifty a shot."

"Sounds absolutely disgusting," I said, pulling a twenty-dollar bill from my wallet. "I'll take a dozen, please."

I took the tray of vile alcoholic sugar-water to a nearby table. As I sat down, I realized it was the same table where Pudgy Guy first made his move on Crabs.

"Look man, you've got to be realistic," I said, "You're leaving when? Tomorrow, isn't it?"

Actually, I already knew he was leaving the next day. It was just a conversational trick to actually get him to say something and to make sure he was listening.

I continued. "So let's say you and she hit it off. You'll have, at best, one romantic night and then boom -- you're on one side of The Pond, she's on the other. And then what happens? Something long-distance? How long will that last? It's guaranteed heartbreak."

"But I've never met anyone like her before!"

"But no one is like anyone else. That's because each of us occupies a different location in spacetime."

"Huh?"

Serves me right for quoting Spock's World to a non-geek. It made perfect sense to me. (I can be such a nerd sometimes.)

I decided to try another tack. "Uh, let me put it this way. The ones you really care about, that's how you're supposed to feel about them. Yeah, they're rare, but that's what makes them special."

"What'm I gonna do, Joe? I've got it bad for her."

"Look, you're a good-looking guy, and you're from Scotland! There's lots of pretty girls there. You'll find someone there, and you'll be happy because she'll always be around, and not thousands of miles away."

Everything I said made perfect sense to me, but I was speaking with the distanced rationality of man who was trying to resolve the issue as quickly as possible so he could resume getting his swerve on. Maybe he already agreed with me in his head; it looked like his heart would need a little more time to catch up.

"I know. It's just hard, s'all."

"To women," I said, raising a shot glass and borrowing a line from my buddy George: "Can't live with 'em, and shagging guys is too messy." (Only later did the irony of saying such a thing in a gay bar hit me.)

"Right," he replied, and then tossed back the schnapps. "Fuck, that's dead awful," he said with a grimace. "Let's do another."

"That's the spirit."

Me and Renton. This shot is also from earlier in the evening, before he interrupted our "moment".

Okay, where was I?

Six shots of awful hangover-inducing sickly-sweet shots later, Renton bought a round of beer to wash away the awful taste. Afterwards, he resolved to enjoy the rest of his evening, no matter what, and marched off to the dance floor. I too was determined to make the most of the evening, and started looking for the rest of the gang.

I found The Bears first, still at their perch near the balcony stairs. It's hard not to spot two men, each weighing at least two hundred and seventy-five pounds, in Hawaiian shirts and drinking wine coolers from glasses with paper umbrellas.

"Hey, boys," I said, with the enthusiasm of a kid of Christmas Day, "where's [The Waitress]?"

"Who?" asked one of them.

"My date. Shortish blonde hair, British accent..."

"Oh, her," he said, with extreme cattiness for the word 'her', "She's with [Crabs], who couldn't stop talking to her once she found out she was a Pisces."

More of Crabs' Astrological crap. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"[Crabs'] boyfriend is a Pisces too, so he figured that your date and he must be simpatico, best friends and fucking soulmates. And we haven't been able to get him to say more than five words to us since. Bitch."

I couldn't figure out if "Bitch" was directed at The Waitress, Crabs, or both.

"I'll go look around and take her away from [Crabs]. He'll be all yours."

"That would be nice. I hate it when little hags cut in like that. The nerve."

I went for a wander around the club, stopping only to return greetings to people I knew who'd spotted me and said hello. I found them after about ten minutes of looking about, sitting on one of the benches in the basement lounge, deep in conversation.

"So I figured that if I fixed up the feng shui in my apartment," said Crabs, "I'd be able to pay the rent on time."

If you'd stop spending your money getting bombed every weekend, I thought, you'd be able to cover rent.

"Hey, look," I said, cutting in, "why don't we go upstairs. [Crabs], the Bears are looking for you. [The Waitress], I do believe I owe you a dance.

"Dancing!" yelped Crabs, who jumped up from his seat, "I love that! Let's go!"

He grabbed The Waitress by the hand and ran up the stairs.

Me, The Waitress and Crabs. Hey, Crabs, get your own damned date.

I sighed. I thought to myself: These interruptions were just minor inconveniences. She called me, she was interested, and things were going quite nicely until [Renton] went looking for a shoulder to cry on. Compared to my prior date -- the no-show where the bartender said "she ain't comin', man," -- I was batting a thousand in this one. Patience, I told myself, will eventually pay off.

Last Dance

Crabs and The Waitress danced for a couple of numbers. I was getting antsy, because I wanted to get back to having our moment. The Bears were getting cattier because some girl had stolen their thunder.

"Earth to [Crabs]," on of them said with a lilting nag, "You're gaaaaaay."

The DJ announced that she was playing the last number of the night. I decided that Crabs had had enough hanging out with his new bestest friend in the world and that I would have this last dance. She was, after all, on a date with me.

"Hey [Crabs]," I said, after tapping his shoulder. "May I cut in? I haven't had much of a chance to dance with her."

"Sure," he said, with a toothy grin.

I took The Waitress in my arms and was about to say something -- I can't remember what -- what Crabs leapt between us, and swept her away.

"I lied! Get my coat, willya?" he yelled, and handed me his coat check stub.

Of. All. The. Nerve.

I'd put up with all kinds of crap that night with a smile, but this was too much. I'd also had enough of Crabs' thinking-only-of-himself garbage, especially after all the times I've had to help him out of ridiculous situations brought about by the fact that he was all fucking id.

The alcohol was also beginning to hit me.

And dammit, I'd just been cock-blocked!

Crabs, I decided, make peace with whatever stupid god of self-absorption you worship. You are going to die.

I looked at his coat check ticket and got an idea. Then I dropped the ticket on the ground. I didn't care about getting his jacket back to him. Cock-blockers deserve to freeze in the dark.

I walked to up the dancing couple and tapped The Waitress' shoulder.

"Hey [The Waitress], they're closing coat check in a couple of minutes. You'd better run down and get yours."

"Oh! All right. See you in a moment," she said and ran off.

"May I have a word with you?" I asked Crabs, as I took him arm-in-arm into the same blind corner where The Waitress and I were supposed to have that first kiss.

"Hey! What gives?! I was dancing with her, and you interrupted. And hey, where's my coa--"

Crabs never got to finish that sentence. As soon as we were out of sight of any of the bouncers or bartenders, I grabbed him by the neck and slammed him as hard as I could against the wall. His back made a low thud against concrete bricks, but the more satisfying higher sound came from his head, as it snapped against concrete.

"You! Fucking! Asshole!" I screamed. "I have had enough of your bullshit. You have been monopolizing my date all night, without any consideration for me. After all times I've saved your sorry ass because you're too big a fuck-up to fucking take any fucking responsibility."

I pressed my hand on his Adam's Apple with more force. I wanted him to remember this. I wanted to him to wake up in the middle of the night from Joey-induced night terrors for the next week in a vile puddle of his own sweat and urine.

He stood there, his eyes wide, complete frozen.

"You have two choices," I said, "You can leave this place under your own power, or you can leave in an ambulance. Me, I don't fucking care which you pick. You're a fucking zodiac nut, so I want you to remember this till the day you die, which might be tonight: Never. Fuck. With. A. Scorpio."

Understand that I had no intent of actually beating him up. The last thing I wanted was for The Waitress to come back from coat check and see Crabs lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood and teeth as I was being escorted into a police car. I meant only to make sure he got the point, in the same way as when The U.S.S. Enterprise fires a warning photon torpedo across a hostile ship's bow in Star Trek.

The Uniform Code of Guys is very clear on issues such as this. The proper response would have been for him to shove me away, and yell "Back off, man!" after which I'd respond with "I'm cool, dude, but you were crossing the line." And then we'd clear the air and have a beer.

Instead, he burst into tears.

"You...you...YOU HIT ME!" he yelped, his choked-back sobs turning into exploding waterworks.

This was not what I expected.

Three thoughts hit me all at once:

1. Look at what you just did. You just hit your friend over a girl. You are the lowest form of life, a first class heel.

2. Look at what you just did. With your own strength and menace, you just made a man cry! Cooooool!

3. Look at that pantywaist. One slam against the wall and he goes to pieces. You know what we call guys like him? Chicks! I should finish him off before he shames my gender further.

Thought number one got the better of me. I released my grip on him, and he slumped to the floor like a pile of wet rags. He was sobbing uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry," I said, the full gravity of what I'd done hitting me through the schnapps-and-adernaline haze. "I've had a little bit to drink, and you were ruining my date."

"Yoooooouuuuu hiiiiiiiiiiit meeeeeeeeee!" More blubbering. I had to resist the urge to kick him in the head.

"I hit you because you weren't listening to me. You were monopolizing my date."

"You were on a date? With who?"

"[The Waitress]. You know, the woman I walked in with, hand in hand?"

"You were on a date?"

"You want me to hit you again?" Urge to kill...rising...

(Parents of the world, I implore you to stop raising children who live in their own little solipsisms, blissfully unaware of the feelings of others and the consequences of their actions to anyone but themselves. I, and I suspect many other people, will thank you.)

"But why did you hit me?" He wasn't quite listening yet, but his wailing had attenuated to muted sobs.

"Because I haven't had a chance to hang out with my date all night. Because you've been taking up all her time. Do you understand now?"

"Please don't hit me. I can't deal with violence."

He was fearful and self-absorbed at the same time. Clearly I wasn't going to get through to him as to why I hit him. Worse still, I was running out of time. Even through the haze of anger and alcohol, I knew that The Waitress would soon return, and the last thing I wanted her to see was this scene.

I lifted him up by his armpits. Crabs was a scrawny guy who probably weighed no more than 120 pounds soaking wet. I walked him arm-in-arm towards the door. I needed to get him out of the club and far away before The Waitress saw him and started asking questions whose answer would blow this date straight to Hell.

Presuming, or course, that the date hadn't already been blown straight to Hell.

I saw a bouncer who saw Crabs' sorry state and headed straight towards us.

"What happened here?" asked the bouncer.

I decided to take the reins of the conversation before Crabs could answer. I imagined how badly the date would end if the bouncer heard the truth and decided to call in the cops and get Crabs to press assault charges.

"Ah, this. You know..." I said, making an O with my lips and pantomiming drinking from a bottle with my free hand. "Uh, can you help him outside? I...uh...gotta get my coat from coat check before it closes."

"Sure," said the bouncer, and I passed Crabs to him.

I could feel my karma dropping.

The Waitress returned from the downstairs coat check at about the same time the bouncer was walking Crabs to the door. She ran towards me and asked what happened.

"Why's he crying? He looks awful!"

"Um..." I said. Time for another quick lie. There is no way I'm going to blow this date over a beating he so richly deserved. Or maybe didn't deserve. The guilt was really beginning to creep up on me. "He's...he's gone down the K-hole."

("K" is club slang for ketamine, a veterinary tranquilizer that someone became a club drug. I guess 50,000 really relaxed horses can't be wrong.)

Oh, good one, Joey, I thought. Let's cover up your bullying by making him look like a drug fiend.

I tried to justify it to myself. He was, after all, a very regular user of recreational drugs. The odds were good that he'd actually done some tonight. It's just that drugs had nothing to do with what happened.

I imagined my karma altimeter doing rapid counterclockwise cartwheels.

"Should we go after him?" she asked.

"No" wouldn't have been an acceptable answer.

"Um....Yes. yes, we should. Let's go in the direction towards his house."

I led her in the opposite direction, and we went west towards Bay Street along College instead of east towards Jarvis where he lived. I couldn't risk running into him. I continued the charade of searching for fifteen minutes before declaring him M.I.A.. We went for late-night coffee and pie at Fran's, a 24-hour restaurant on College, and the date resumed then.

From that point on, the date resumed, snuggling ensued and by most standards it was a pretty good one.

Except that I couldn't enjoy it. My conscience kept nagging me.

The Aftermath

I got a phone call the following afternoon, which happened to be Easter Sunday. I'd just returned from the deVilla family Easter mass-and-brunch thingy.

"I...I saw a side of you...I didn't like..." said Crabs, still choking back sobs. I was still feeling that strange mix of guilt about my hurting him and disgust at his wussiness. I've eaten pastry that was tougher than he was.

"Look. I was on a date," I explained. "You were monopolizing my date. But nooooo, you don't care, because you have no fucking impulse control, you're all fucking id, you're the poster child for only children. I'm sorry I hit you, but you were asking for it."

It wasn't a very good apology, I'll admit. I'd just had enough of his self-absorbed silliness.

The phone call devolved into him going on and on and on and on about how poorly he handles violence and how it wasn't nice to hit him and how he would never try to interfere with me trying to find someone and just how he thought he'd met a new soulmate because she was a Pisces and yadda yadda yadda if you don't shut up I will go over there right now and finish the job.

I rarely get headaches, but by the end of the call, I had a good one building.

An hour later, another call came in.

"I've been giving it some thought," said The Waitress, "and I also heard that you were asking questions about me."

The Other Waitress told her that I'd asked about her. So what?

"I'm a little uncomfortable with that. Some of the regulars are talking. I'm not comfortable with that. Look, I hate to say this, but I think we should go back to being waitress and customer."

Well, alert the media. I'd just heard something worse that "I think we should be just friends."

"Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't come to the cafe when it's my shift."

I put the phone down and put my head on my desk.

It was a bad day.

The Group Picture. Judging from the pose, you'd think I was with The Bears and Crabs was with The Waitress. Taken just before the last dance, when I decided that CRABS MUST DIE!

 

 

Is my Blog HOT or NOT?

This here is the sidebar. Is it not nifty? Worship the sidebar.

Okay, so I stole that line from Pete Abram's webcomic, Sluggy Freelance. It sounded nice.

Anyhow, you'll find all kinds of useful stuff in this sidebar, including a brief explanation of what this weblog's all about, some recommended reading and lots of links.

What's this "Adventures of AccordionGuy" all about?

Back in high school, after reading Space-Time and Beyond for the umpteenth time and drinking one too many zombies with my friend Henry Dziarmaga, we came up with the theory that in the infinite set of universes -- the multiverse -- there was one particular universe in what happened to us right here was being watched as a TV show over there. We then made a solemn vow to live in such a way that we kept our ratings up.

This is the continuation of that story.

The Adventures of AccordionGuy in the 21st Century is my "slice of life" weblog. In it, you'll find what I've been up to, what's on my mind, ramblings about people, places, things and events that I find interesting. I am a schmoozing, boozing, hacking, slacking bon vivant and goof, and it's going to show in my writing.

This weblog is partly a way for me to keep practicing my writing, partly a creative outlet, partly a way for me to let my friends know what I'm up to, and partly shameless self-promotion.

If this weblog entertains you and gives you a chuckle, I'll be a very happy little mutant. If you decide to take up the accordion (or any other musical instrument, for that matter) as the result of reading my accordion stories, I'll be even happier. If it inspires you to stretch beyond the mundane and banal or to make your life or the world better than when you found it, then I salute you with a filet mignon on a flaming sword!

If you've just stumbled across this blog, you might want to read the following...

The Mandatory "About" Page
Just so you know who you're reading about...

Why Accordion?
Not an apology. Just an explanation. The skinny on why I'm often seen playing that most maligned of instruments.

The other blog: The Happiest Geek on Earth
I make my living as a programmer, so I have a fair number of nerdy topics I like to write about. To spare my non-geek readers, all my postings about computers and technology go here.

There's lots of stuff to peruse in the archives, but may we recommend the following for your reading pleasure?

The Girl Who Cried Webmaster (April 2003)
Accordion boy meets New Girl. Accordion boy gushes about New Girl on weblog. Accordion boy gets contacted by Whistleblower, who tells him that the New Girl is not who she claims to be. The strangest story ever posted on this blog, complete with drama, detective work, a child-abandoning drug-abusing mom posing as a webmaster, the kindness of strangers, inspiration by Columbo and Encyclopedia Brown and computational complexity theory. This entry put The Adventures of AccordionGuy in the number one spot on Blogdex, Popdex and Daypop, and is now the holder of the record for most -- and nicest -- comments. My thanks to everyone for their support.

Last Night (March 2003)
Striking out, thwarting a pickpocker, coping with bad poetry, dealing with the Gap ninjas and other minor diappointments. At least when things suck for me, they suck in novel and interesting ways.

Worst Date Ever, Part One (March 2003)
Next to the experience with the New Girl, this was a cakewalk.

Mandatory "Cheese Sandwich" Entry, Part One and Part Two (March 2003)
A good day in the life of yours truly.

A Very Good Wednesday, Indeed. (February 2003)
Successful job interviews, helping out on the set of a film, chatting with cute girls, and sticking it to a telemarketer. I'm the King of Rock.

Naked News Throws a Party (February 2003)
...and I was invited!

The Best Christmas Present Ever (December 2002)
A tale of friendship, crab lice and the true meaning of Christmas. Not likely to be turned into a TV Christmas special any time soon.

The Big 3-5 (November 2002)
One helluva birthday party, and I have the pictures to prove it.

Adventures in Banking (November 2002)
The things I have to do just to cash Paul's rent cheques...

My Own "Switch" Testimonial. (October 2000)
In response to Microsoft's fake testimonial about a writer who'd switched from the Mac to Windows, my testimonial about switching from all other, lesser blogs to this one. It even inspired an Achewood parody by Coderman.

Job Search Nightmare (October 2002)
A job interview, a bonus job interview clothing guide and a disturbing dream to top it all off. Wolves? Vampires? Gosts? Forget them. The scariest damned thing of all is a little old lady.

A stand-up tribute to New Yorkers (September 2002)
The terrorists picked the wrong guys to attack -- youse guys is tough! A stand-up routine in which I pay tribute to New Yorkers and their resiliency.

Reclaim the Streets (September 2002)
Conversations and observations from the 2002 Reclaim the Streets party in Toronto. Their hearts are in the right place, but their heads might need a little work. Read the story, see the photos and check out the discussion that ensued on BoingBoing.

Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they are eating (August 2002)
"When it comes to diet-as-religion, I think it's time to make the devil sign and say 'Hail Satan!'"

The suit rant (August 2002)
"This is going to sound superficial, old-fashioned and judgemental, but I'm going to say it anyway: Gentlemen, you need to own at least one suit in order to be a grown-up."

My MuchMusic Appearance (August 2002)
If you appeared on MuchMusic or MTV, you'd put it on your "best of" list too.

The World Youth Day piece (July 2002)
Possibly my most controversial blog entry, and the best workout the newly-set up comments system has ever had. I make comments on the other people's comments on WYD, and you make comments on my comments. Interesting and intelligent discourse ensues. Be sure to check out the comments!

Queen Street Stories (June 2002)
Tales of the everyday people on one of Toronto's most colourful neighbourhoods and my stomping grounds, Queen Street West. Read about 'Strene and Twizzlers, Kick Ass Karaoke, lyin', cheatin' and stealin' for yo' woman, how I became a master of Tae Bo, and kinky e-mail addresses.

Now it can be told (May 2002)
Had a date, brought the accordion, got a job.

The Star-Spangled Banner and Anal Sovereignty (May 2002)
I had a run-in with U.S. customs, and the accordion saved my ass...literally.

Live, damn you, live! (May 2002)
"All I'm asking is that you try and resist the known and embrace the unknown every now and again. You don't always have to play it safe -- stretch a little. You might like it."

That Syd, what a mensch! (April 2002)
A conversation with my tough-talking accountant.

The accidental go-go dancer (April 2002)
I walk into a dance club as a guy with an accordion and walk out as their new bartop go-go dancer. Kind of like Coyote Ugly, but with an accordion.

Sacrelicious! (March 2002)
A one-act play in which God, Moses and Jesus mix it up telling the story of Creation. It may be offensive to some readers, and there's one particularly painful Buddha double-entendre. I'm hoping some Unitarian church out there turns it into a puppet show.

Stagette (February 2002)
I always knew that someday the accordion would get me invited into a limo full of pretty women and that hilarity would ensue.

Snow Job (February - March 2002)
My adventures selling snow cones (actually, our product was shaved ice) back in 1985. A formative experience. So far, there's how I owe my getting the job to a Satanist, Bible Thumper Story Number One, the hassles and Bible Thumper Story Number Two. Stay tuned, because the best stories are yet to come!

One helluva Saturday night (January 2002)
Punk and ska! Offers to snog! Cute women walk up to me at bars! One of my biggest audiences ever! You love me, you really love me! End of exclamation marks!

Sacked (January 2002)
The final proof we need that the company sucks moose anus big-time: they fired me. So far, we have the initial story, what I plan to do now that I'm unemployed, and the elegy I suppose I was given at the following company meeting.

Fourteen New Year's Eves (January 2002)
A Chronicle of my New Year's Eves from December 31, 1988 to December 31, 2001. Tales of sneaking into clubs, sneaking out of pubs, getting ethnic on somebody's ass and how accordions can come in handy when you're being mugged.

Sayonara, 2001 (December 2001)
And don't you come back.

The Copyrant (December 2001)
My own take on copyright and fair use. I still have to write at least one more piece on it, but in the meantime, check out parts one and two.

Time Travel Spam (December 2001)
Someone's messed up his life, and is spamming in the hopes of finding someone with the power to send him back in time. Read the spam and my response.

It's a Living (November - December 2001)
Various entries about my (former) job, which is a mix of programming, developer relations, and yes, accordion playing.

The slight misadventure involving my housemates and a con man (November 2001)
Once upon a time, a guy posing as a new neighbour in distress conned me and my housemate out of 80 bucks. Three months later, in what is either supreme testicular fortitude or forgetfulness, he visits my house again and manages to con my housemates out of 80 bucks and a lift. Read the story, my housemate's mea culpa, and my two follow-up entries.

You link to me, I'll link to you.

This list was last updated Wednesday, July 30th, 2003. If you've linked to me but aren't on this list, let me know!

Aaron Swartz: The Weblog
The cool young hacker who will bring order to the Force. If only I were as cool as this guy when I was his age.

Accordion Links
Yup, I'm listed there. Am I famous yet?

Advanced Combo Tricks
Tony Hagale's blog, "direct from the eye of the storm".

AKMA's Random Thoughts
The Good Reverend A.K.M. Adam's blog. He's the Ferris Bueller of the Web, in the sense that everyone loves him: The sportos, the motorheads, the geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, warbloggers, LiveJournalers, they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.

American Samizdat
A great progressive group blog on the goings-on in America that you might not have heard.

Anita Rowland
She's got a List of Links and a Book of Days.

Aquarionics
Aquarion is a coder/designer/writer living somewhere in England. His blog is "like 8 Mile, only with less rapping."

Arpeggio
Adam's blog. "Welcome! Thanks for dropping in. Make yourself at home but please don't spill anything like last time."

Blogaritaville
George Scriban's page of corporate outrage. The originator of the phrase "Big Content™". Read it or wallow in the filth of your ignorance.

BLOGical
Russ' blog. "'Carpe Diem', Broadband, Python/Jython, and XML WebServices."

Barefoot and Happy
"I'm a rebel, a rogue ninja seeking justice in a depraved land. I will find you, Dr. Zhivago, and make you pay. This I vow."

Bellini-Induced Brain Freeze
Leah's blog. "Your typical cool girl, who's trying to be even cooler. Like that's even possible."

Bit Banger
The definitive source of everything Adam Keys.

Black Belt Jones
International Man of User Experience is yet another sign of Cool Brittania. He's also the guy behind Warchalking.

Blamblog
A blog belonging to Toronto-based cartoonist and graphic designer Brett Lamb.

Blog of Chloe and Pete, The
"Two characters (that would be Chlo� and Pete) looking for love, safety, and Krispy Kremes. A book looking for readers and a publisher. An author (Jessica) looking for an agent, a life, and a region-free DVD player."

Bloggin' With Betty
A blog by someone whose name is actually Susan, not Betty.

Blogging Ecosystem (Myelin)
Two lists: one with the 500 most-linked-to blogs and one with the 500 blogs with the most outgoing links. This blog appears in both lists!

Blogging Ecosystem (Truth Laid Bear)
Another system for ranking blogs by incoming links. In this blogging ecosystem, I am a "flappy bird" on the evolutionary scale.

Blogging With Astro
"News, Views and Humor ... see what's buzzing on the internet today."

Boing Boing
Technology, pop culture and other stuff that happy mutants love. My friend Cory Doctorow is one of the editors.

Boogie Church
Matt Balara's blog. Well, it's like a blog, but only boogier.

Bow. James Bow.
The online journal of James Bow, an aspiring writer from Kitchener, Ontario.

Boy's Republic

Brainal Meltdown
Cybbis McElainen's blog, which is bilingual -- I like to think of it as being in Suomi (Finnish) with English subtitles!

Brian Jepson's Radio Weblog
Rants and raves from Kingston, Rhode Island. A mix of slice-of-life and geeky stuff.

Brightly Colored Food
Chad Thornton's blog. Chad's doing grad work in Interaction Design at Carnegie Mellon.

Brilliant Corners
Bill Turner's weblog.

BurningBird
Shelley Powers' blog.

CampinGuy

Can You Dig It?
Lola's blog.

Centrs.com
Denise is nowhere near the centre.

Cheerschopper
Joe Mahoney's blog.

Colorado Compound, The
"Law enforcement, crime, federal government / employment, current events, security, terrorism, the West, and humor. You know, girl-stuff."

Consolation Champs
James McNally's blog.

Crunchy Tuba Baby
Zoe's blog.

Csmager.Co.Uk
"I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly."

Daily Thing, The
"Live from the Web!"

Dan Dickinson: The Primary Vivid Weblog
"Digging my own hole in the web since 1995."

Dave's Picks

Daze Reader Sex News Blog
"All about sex, culture, technology, art, politics, gossip, ideas, drugs & rock & roll ... but mostly sex."

Dekaf: Deutsch Kalifornische Freundschaft
That's "German-Californian friendship".

Den of Ubiquity, The
"Books, music, random thoughts, semi-didactic rants, and opinions. What did you expect? Fangs?"

Design Kitten
Trish Harvey's blog. "Design is sexy."

Dio preferas stekon
Where this blog is listed as La Aventuroj de AkordionUlo en la 21-a Jarcento.

Ed's Up, Hos Down!
Edward Goodwin's blog. (Love the name!)

Eggnog Publications
Gak's weblog.

Empty Bottle Dot Org
The home of Chris, a.k.a. Stavros the Wonder Chicken, a drinkin', thinkin' Canadian living in Korea.

Entropy Core
The blog of Michael Springfield, a computer programmer living in South Carolina.

Fancy Robot
David Moldawer's blog. "Funny things, sad things, but above all, things."

Feeling Listless
Stuart Ian Burns' blog.

Fiendish is the Word
Shoeless J provides bite-size linky goodness!

Floatation Device
Fellow flip/GTA blogger Carla Day-Reiner's blog.

Foreign Embassy, The
Brooklynite Eric Kurzenberger's blog.

Forwarding Address: OS X
A group blog covering things about Apple's OS. I'm also one of the contributing bloggers.

FreakGirlSpew
Magpie Jenkins' blog.

G'Day Cobbers
Allan Moult's eclectic look at life with an Australian twist.

GIGO
Words unreadable aloud.

GJWalberg.org
"The often drunken ramblings of a midwestern college student."

Geekly.com
Ryan Skadberg's blog, named after three of the finest things in life.

Geeks, Guitars and Guinness
Greg Webster's blog.

Geren's Commentary on the World at Large
Geren Mortensen's blog.

Gessaman.com
Adam Gessaman's blog. Photography, life and crazy antics.

Gideon Strauss
Deep thinking, Neocalvinist unapologia and zeitgeist surfing. Very thought-provoking reading. (By the bye, here's something in case you need to know who John Calvin was.)

Glorious Goof, A
"Inside the mind of a naive cynic as he wanders through his tiny world without a map or a towel."

GoJoMo
The weblog of Bitzi's big brain, Gordon Mohr.

Greater Toronto Area Bloggers
Accordion City's very own blog gang. We have secret handshakes and everything!

Green[e]house Effect, The
Greg Greene's blog: " Skewering the ridiculous and hailing the sublime since 2002."

Guabancex
Dorna Deterville's blog.

Hack the Planet
Wes Felter's cool technology blog.

Honest Girl's Thoughts, An
Emma's (a.k.a. the Whistleblower from the New Girl Story) blog tells the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

House of Hot Sauce
My friend Sean Monkman's blog. That's-a spicy meat-a-blog!

How Now Brown Pau?
Paulo Ordoveza is the "Brown Pau" in question. Like me, he's also a Thrilla from Manila.

How to Learn Swedish in 1000 Difficult Lessons
Slices of Swedish life and a new Swedish word or phrase every day, courtesy of Francis Strand!

I Love Me, Vol. I
Michael O'Connor Clarke's blog.

Idaho MP3 Newsblog
The blog part of Idaho MP3, "Your local source for indie audio files!"

ImperialViolet
Adam Langley's blog.

Jeff Winkler's Brain Dump
Java, technology, fun!

Jer Zone, The
Jerry Halstead's blog.

Jewish Buddha
"buddha is a rising 2L at a law school in the nation's capital. this is his web page."

JimsLog
Jim Bassett's weblog.

Joe's Weblog & Film Project News
News and links that Joe Schram finds interesting, plus updates on his ongoing documentary film project.

John Bristowe's Radio Weblog
It's a small world after all. John, it turns out, is the brother of my friend Ashley from Crazy Go Nuts University. John covers .NET goodness, among other things.

John.Beimler
"I just copy and redo..."

Junk For Code
Gary Sauer-Thompson's blog.

Just Looking
"Welcome to the Z-list, baby!" says Luke "Look" Francl, cool hacker behind the image-matching software known as Eikon and taker-on of Lessig's Challenge.

Keanuvision
Whoa.

Knitwitology
Morgan Hugh Johnston's blog.

KyleM.xwell.org
Kyle Maxwell says "So much hacking to do, so little time." Too true.

Lemonodor
John Wiseman's mostly Lisp blog.

Less Art
Stacy Wong's flippy-do about life as a native San Franciscan.

Life Akimbo
Rick Castello's oddball weblog.

Life of a Fake Lintott, The
Simon Cedervall is a fake lintott (a flaxen-haired person), but then again, so was I every summer. He lives in London, where he is working on his MSc project on incedibly complex math and writes an entertaining blog.

Little Blogthing, A
Sakaama's musings.

Lizvang!
Lizvang is Ms. Thang! Be sure to check out her LiveJournal too.

Lost in Vancouver
Sandy's blog.

M. Ellis Conroy's Original Miscellanea and Textual Repository
A blog with a name this erudite has to be good.

Making Light
The blog of Teresa Nielsen Hayden. "Language, fraud, folly, truth, history, and knitting. Et cetera."

Mamageek's Journal
Rebecca's blog

mamamusings
Elizabeth Lane Lawley's thoughts on technology, academia, family, and tangential topics.

Marginalia.org
Bill Stilwell's blog.

Marmalade
Kelly Knight's blog. It is...how do you say?...The Sexy.

Maxxmania
Maxx's blog.

Meatriarchy, The
Sounds Atkins-friendly to me!

Meatstack, The
I love this blog's name. It's Craig Clawson's blog.

MemeMachineGo!
"Wouldn't you like to be a vector too?" Zed and Jym maintain this blog.

Messy-78
Steve Minutillo's blog.

Metafilter
A great place for interesting news and discussions. "The Plastic.com it's okay to like".

Minusworld.org
Christopher's blog.

Mizz Kyttie
Kim Hackett's blog.

Mnemosyne
Un blog en Francais par Alexandre. "Si hoc legere potes, nimis doctus es."

Moments from My Life
My crazy friend Meryle Vinyl is a sassy chick and the Queen of Rock! I promised her that if Playboy ever put out a "Women of A.D.D." issue, I would pleasure myself to her page only.

Moxie
The lovely Ms. Madison Slade's blog. I wonder if she's into accordions...

Napalmcandy.net
Ellie's got not only a blog, but a number of pretty cool sites!

Nerdmonkey.com
Eli Tucker's blog, where nerds are more than trained monkeys.

NewsIsFree
A super-duper news aggregation service.

No-Lyfe Journal
A blog written by the intrepid team of Adam Taylor, Alex Whitlock, Brian Schutz, Jason Paris and best of all, Richard Simmons's Severed Head!

No-sword
"plus manichean que jamais"

Noizyblog
James Guthrie's blog.

Non Sequitur
Hoyan's blog.

Not Me
Shelli's blog.

ObBlog
Chris Cummer's blog. I've worked with Chris on and off for almost ten years now!

Okazo Taglibro
James Irwin's blog.

Omni-Curious
Phoenix's blog. "Regarding the considerable speck."

One Man in Paradise City
The blog of my neighbour with almost Kramer-like privileges, Hector Kearns.

Only a Downstat: Pierre's Cosmic Music
Pierre Savoie is a crazy synth fiend who makes some weird and wonderful music, including some great Gary Numan spoofs. His review of this blog: "Guaranteed to confuse, just remember to come up for air once in a while..."

Opalescent Tome
Coral's journal of interesting things.

Opposable Thumbs
Thomas Lockney's blog.

Out of Ambit
Author Diane Duane's blog. Can I say it's an honour to appear on the blogroll of an author whose books I enjoyed?

Page of Little or No Importance, A
Teru's "random ramblings, from the political to the personal and trans-Atlantic romantical".

PapaScott
Scott Hanson's blog. He's an American living in Germany.

PeerFear
Kevin Burton, the guy behind NewsMonster, has got a great domain name!

Penguinal Ebullience
"Political vitriol and toy robots : two great tastes that taste great together."

PhilWeber.net
Among other things, Phil Weber covers .NET stuff he's learned the hard way.

Phluzein
Anders' blog.

Photojunkie
Rannie Turingan's blog. One of Toronto's many cool Filipino bloggers, and the heart and soul of the GTABloggers gang. He also makes a mean cheesecake!

Photolaugh
Chris' photos and musings.

Planet Swank
Gregory Harris' blog.

Plasticnoodle
The shiny part of Ted Stevko's brain!

Pony
Random musings by my friend and former co-worker Deenster.

Postcards from Lars
Lars writes about "the office, trance music, politics, the occasional girlfriend, whatever."

PrayToTheMachine
Tyler's a "computer guy, living his life a quarter pounder at a time, to the max!!"

Proofchick
The "web-baby of a 28-year old proofreader living in the Heartland".

Pseudoco.de
Michael Dingler's blog.

Puppethead
Kevin Herrboldt's blog.

Python Owns Us
Jarno Virtanen's blog on lots of things, including that lovely programming language, Python.

Quidnunc
James' blog.

Raging Kraut
"The Raging Kraut comes to you from an experimental cabbage field in the heart of the Greater Toronto Area."

Ranting and Roaring
Programmer and sideburn aficionado David Janes' blog.

Reactuate
Ron Davis' blog.

Resonant Dissonance
James Southard, Jr. provides "amusement to the easily amused".

Roland Tanglao's Weblog
Want to keep up with what's going on the programming world? Roland's weblog is a great place to start.

Rough Days for a Gentil Knight
"The Radio weblog of Oblivious Allan Baruz."

Salad With Steve
Steve Jenson -- All-round sweet guy, one of the fine people behind Blogger, former co-worker of mine and an aficionado of punk, programming languages and freezer vodka.

Sandhill Trek
Frank Paynter's blog.

See the Donkey
Lee Zanello's blog. Lee's a Canadian teaching English in Osaka. Anyone who likes those "Kibbles 'n' Bits" commercials has to be all right.

Shutup and Code
A blog belonging to the mysterious coder known as icepick on FreeNode's #infoanarchy channel.

Single-Blend.Net
The weblog of Kofi Sarfo, International Villager.

Sloothies
Kris' blog.

Smittie's Ramblings
Smittie ends every post with "aloha". Cool!

Solipsism Gradient
Rainier Brockerhoff's weblog.

Songdog.Net
Sven's blog.

Sore Eyes
John Robinson's blog.

Starjewel
A blog by a fellow Scorpio!

Stray Toaster Thinking
The graphic at the top of the page features Pooh and Christopher Robin and reads "A blog of very little brain".

Symbol and Referent
"Symbol - n 1: an arbitrary sign (written or printed) that has acquired a conventional significance 2: something visible that by association or convention represents something else that is invisible;
Referent - n 1. something referred to; the object of a reference 2: the first term in a proposition; the term to which other terms relate 3: something that refers; a term that refers to another term"

Technoerotica
Rick Schrager's journal of "Web expedition, exploration and cartography".

TeledyN
Gary Lawrence Murphy worked at OpenCola with me, and this is his blog.

That's All I Know
Bobette McCann's blog.

The Diary Thing
Rick McGinnis' blog.

There Is No Cat
Ralph Brandi's weblog, named after Einstein's amusing way of explaining how radio works.

Things I Wish That I Didn't Know
"The world is full of things to know. Some of them make you feel warm and squishy inside, like how to make crepes or that Turkey won the 2003 Eurovision Song Contest. You won't find things like that here."

This Boy is Toast
Wandering jack-of-all-trades David Petite's blog.

This Demands Work
Dan Moniz's blog.

This is Your Goldfish, Speaking
Rebecca studies at Vassar, is an alumna of my high school and wishes that people would stop stealing her toothbrush.

Time is Tight
Arthur Jennings' blog.

Tony Pierce
L.A. blogger supreme, Anna Kournikova nut, and a pretty cool guy considering he's 108 years of age. Be advised that nothing in his blog is true.

Trepanning for Fun and Profit
Graig Kent's blog, formerly known as The Spider Behind My Toilet. When Graig moved in with Emma, he wasn't allowed to take the spider with him. Hence the new name. I think.

Triple Double You
A joint blog shared by fellow Flip GTABlogger Jeremy Cruz (a.k.a. Jeremiah Newbie) and Kristine.

Ultrablognetic
This blog supposedly belongs to one Alfred Pennyworth, whom if I recall correctly was Batman's butler.

Unbillable Hours
A blog by a lawyer named "TPB, Esq."

Utility Fog Blog
"Look out honey, cuz we're using technology!"

War Liberal
Mac Thomason's weblog and the best source of Captain Euro abuse (really, Captain Euro makes Aquaman look useful).

Warblogger Watch
"Keeping track of the war exhortations of the warbloggers."

Wax Wolf Musings
Taper Wickel's blog.

weezblog
Elouise Oyzon's external memory cache.

Wikipedia
A free, collaborative online encyclopedia. Anyone, including you, can edit any article right now, without even having to log in. You can copyedit, expand an article, write a little or write a lot.

Wistful Dreams
dhcalva's blog.

Wolf Who Sends Flowers, A
As in "a fox is a wolf who sends flowers."

www.makeoutcity.com
je_apostrophe says "All you need are kisses to start a makeout party".

Yes/No Interlude, The
The Yes-No Interlude was a segment on an old British game showin which a contestant was bombarded with with questions for one minute, while not being allowed to use the words "yes" or "no".

Zaldor's World, A Trip Inside
"Well ya gotta be crazy baby, to want a guy like me..."

Zooko's Current Events
The online journal of Bryce "Zooko" Wilcox-O'Hearn. A mix of cool P2P ideas with stories about his charming son, Irby.

Zorblog
Zorbs isn't a pessimist, but optimistically challenged.

Other Web destinations that I find interesting.

This list was last updated Tuesday, May 27th, 2003.

Adam Curry's Weblog. The blog of the first MTV person to get the Internet, even when MTV didn't!

American Samizdat.

Andrew Sullivan. He's big! He's right-wing! He's a big right-wing guy!

Anil Dash's weblog.

Armed and Dangerous: Open Source advocate, gun nut and sex advisor (well, 1.5 out of three ain't bad) Eric S. Raymond's blog.

AsiaFirst. English language articles on Asian film, music and literature.

Better Living Through Software. "Tales of life at Microsoft."

(The) Bleat. James Lileks always has something clever to say. Highly recommended.

Blogging Ecosystem. See which blogs are the most-linked-to by other blogs, and which ones have the most links to other blogs.

Bram Cohen. Outspoken and influential Python and Open Source guy, and the man behind CodeCon and BitTorrent. Check out his home page and his Advogato diary.

Breakfast of Champions.

Capital of Nasty. Chicken soup for your darker side, chock full of atavistic goodness.

Childcare Action Project: Christian analysis of American culture, or "we hate everything that isn't The Ten Commandments". I'm seriously thinking about switching religions just so I won't be lumped in with these jackasses.

Computational Complexity Blog. Professor Lance Fortnow on computational complexity, mathematics and computer science.

Consensus at Lawyerpoint. The EFF's blog on "Big Content".

Cruel Site of the Day: The bottom of the Web barrel, pre-scraped for your convenience.

(The) Daily .WAV: Wonderful audio non-sequiturs, collected for your enjoyment.

Dan Gillmor's eJournal

Davezilla.

Daze Reader. "All about sex, culture, technology, art, politics, gossip, ideas, drugs & rock & roll...but mostly sex."

(Live in the) Delirious Cool. Donna is a classy dame.

The Disobey Nonsense Network. A fine part of the disobey.com site.

Dive Into Mark: Programmer Mark Pilgrim's blog.

Dollarshort. Mena Trott is the "right brain" of Movable Type, one half of the White Stripes of the weblog world and this is her blog.

Douglas Rushkoff.

Electrolite. Patrick Nielsen Hayden's blog.

emmajane.net. Friend and fellow GTABlogger Emma Jane Hogbin's site.

EvHead: What does Evan Williams, guy behind Blogger blog? Find out.

eye magazine: One of Toronto's free alternative weekly papers.

FARK. Drew Curtis' gathering of interesting and oddball news from around the world. The site that probably popularized the use of the word "asshat".

FilePile: A freak magnet of .MP3, movie, picture and text files.

floatationdevice.org. Fellow flip/GTA blogger Carla Day-Reiner's blog.

Gamegrene. For the gamer who's sick of the typical.

Grand Text Auto. The tech blog I wish I'd written. "about computer mediated and computer generated works of many forms, including interactive fiction, net.art, electronic poetry, interactive drama, hypertext fiction, computer games of all sorts, and shared virtual environments."

haddock.org/directory: A directory of sites recommended by the members of the haddock.org mailing list. I'm on there, which is a testament to their great taste.

Harrumph. Heather Champ's blog.

I Know Where Bruce Lee Lives: Ultra-interactive kung-fu remixer. Requires Flash.

inluminent. Yeah, I like the pictures of the supermodels, but I swear, I read it for the blog entries!

Instapundit. Glenn Reynolds is the blogfather.

JWZ's LiveJournal. Jamie Zawinski: former Netscape guy turned great ranter, owner of the DNA Lounge and defender of San Francisco's nightlife!

Killing the Buddha: All the spirituality, none of the B.S.

kuro5hin: One of the great discussion sites frequented by the techie crowd. Back in action after a short hiatus. By the bye, it's pronounced "corrosion".

Lessig Blog. The blog of the great Lawrence Lessig, legal visionary, guy-who-gets-the-Internet-and-computers all all-round swell guy.

Little. Yellow. Different. "I'm a...web developer living in the San Francisco Bay Area. I'm Chinese and I live with two Mexicans. Do you know what they call that in Hollywood? A sitcom."

Logutus. Freenet guy Ian Clarke's blog.

Loobylu. Great writing, gorgeous design!

Luminescent. Hey, Natalie!

Making Light. Teresa Nielsen Hayden's blog.

megnut: A-lister Meg Hourihan's weblog.

memepool.com: A great source of interesting links.

MetaFilter: Hey! You got your weblog in my discussion!

The Mighty Geek.

Mighty Girl: Maggie Berry's weblog. Chock full o' high-larious little slice-of-life conversation snippets.

The Morning News: My favourite Web-based broadsheet.

Natalie Solent. "Politics, news, libertarianism, Science Fiction, religion, sewing. You got a problem, bud? I like sewing."

New Directions in Science Fiction. Author Karl Schroeder's site.

NewsIsFree: The most complete news portal I've ever seen.

NOW magazine: Another one of Toronto's free alternative weekly papers.

The Official Shotgun Rules: Finally, the definitive rulebook for calling "shotgun!"

Orisinal: Some of the nicest Flash games I've ever seen. Guess which plug-in is required?

Peace Dividend.

Plastic: The general discussion site, run by the guys who used to run Suck.

Politech. Declan McCullagh's coverage of techno-politics.

purportal.com: "The bunk stops here". See if what you heard is a hoax or scam.

Random Walks.

Raph Levien's Advogato diary.

Rebecca Blood.

Security Blog.

Slashdot: 1337 P1551|\|6 C0|\|7357, D00D!

Strongly Typed. if (this.IsCoding) Console.WriteLine("Life is good!");

Team Murder. "Technology crankiness and the real friggin' world."

Thinking in .NET. The blog of former Computer Language and Software Development magazine editor Larry O'Brien

TreeDragon. Programmer Rys McCusker's blog.

Uppity Negro. "The Uppity Negro challenges the validity of the hierarchies which lie at the heart of our supposedly egalitarian society. But mostly, the Uppity Negro likes starting shit for the fun of it."

USS Clueless. Annoying, pendantic, Ugly-as-Ugly-American-gets but somehow entertaining right-wing crank Steven Den Beste's blog.

War Liberal. Mac Thomason's blog.

Warblogger Watch.

Wil Wheaton Dot Net: Yes, the Wil Wheaton who played Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a good read, and maybe he'll forgive me for drawing all those cartoons in which Wesley dies several horrible painful deaths.

William Gibson's blog. The blog of the guy who put "cyberpunk" on the map. Be sure to check out the rest of his site.

yourish.com: Meryl Yourish's writings and very strongly-held opinions.

Zeldman.com's Daily Report.

Yummy webcomics!

Achewood: The twisted adventures of a group of stuffed animals, some cats, a couple of good-for-nothing robots and a squirrel.

Bee: The adventures of a plucky young photo developer.

The New Adventures of Bobbin! Not to be confused with Bobbins, this is Singaporean high school hijinks.

Bruno: American 20-something angst! Or has she turned 30 already?

Death to the Extremist. How much drama and pie can two circles take?

Diesel Sweeties: Robot meets porn star. Hilarity ensues.

Dr. Fun: Strange, enjoyable and Far Side-esque.

Fans. Being the unlikely adventures of an unlikely group of sci-fi aficionados.

Funny Farm: Anthropomorphic boarding house follies.

General Protection Fault: Life in a software company.

Goats: Crazed New Yorkers and a satanic chicken.

Hotel Fred: The adventures of Fred the Clown.

It's Walky!: Denver. Aliens. Lust.

Megatokyo: PH33R this, the best of all the gamer comics.

Orneryboy. The life of a black-clad moody bastard.

Penny Arcade: Commnentary on video games and other things video game playing geeks like.

PvP: That's short for "Player vs. Player". One of the better gamer comics out there.

Scary Go Round. The further adventures of everyone's favourite Brit twenty-somethings from Tackleford, England. They're not quite as twisted as my real-life British friends, but just as entertaining. Be sure to check out the original series, Bobbins.

Sinfest: God, the Devil, Calvin, and a hottie.

Sluggy Freelance: This here is Pete Abrams' comic. Is it not nifty? Worship the comic.

Small Stories: Taste the kimchi-spicy Korean Gen-X angst!

Something Positive: So wrong it's right.

Superosity: Non-sequiturs have never been so much fun!

The Joy of Tech: A Mac Genius' look at the tech world.

User Friendly: The barometer of Linux and other aspects of geek culture.

Wandering Ones: Tracking danger in the year 2066.

Wigu: The story of a little boy named Wigu Tinkle.

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