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Saturday, August 30th, 2003
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6:13 pm
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Had a chance to hang out with friends but didn't get to stay very long. Another night in a house that's so freakin' hot with nothing to do but watch stupid tv and wrangle Miranda away from the fans. I wish we could have stayed out awhile longer, it was good to see people.
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12:31 pm
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10:14 am
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I just woke up in a mood today! So far I've been good, but I feel like ripping someone's head off and playing kick the can with it. Not sure what brought this on.
current mood:  bitchy
current music: Blind Melon
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| Friday, August 29th, 2003
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5:40 pm - Archives (1992-Present)
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I knelt where only she could see me, her face just inches from my cunt as I fucked myself with the hilt of my knife. Her eyes flitted from my face to my cunt, unsure of where to settle, unsure of where I wanted her to look. So fucking hot when they're in distress and trying to please you. I sucked the sweet, slick handle of the knife like it was a cock, leaving a ring of black lipstick along my forefinger and thumb. It was so obscene and so goddamn sexy, our own little private show as other people milled around unaware of what we were doing in the corner. I touched the dagger to her tongue and she started licking and sucking it, her wet, pink tongue reflected in the gleaming blade. If I had a cock, I swear I would have cum right there, cum all over her beautiful, upturned face.
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3:42 pm
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Whenever I get penis enlargement spam, I always wish I had the personal e-mail of the person sending it so I could reply:
"I've got 10 inches of hard rubber or 8 inches of silicone for you, baby, take your pick."
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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2:34 pm
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I've hit a minor roadblock with the smut I'm working on, so I'm taking a break. I made some half-hearted efforts to clean the house this morning, but didn't get very far. I did manage to unclog the vacuum cleaner hose by flushing it out with hot water which was both gross and fascinating to observe. I also found out that it's impossible to groom the dog while the baby is climbing all over you, so Aslan is half-brushed and probably annoyed with me.
I joined a bunch of new communities recently. Looking for kindred spirits and sparks of inspiration. Haven't had the time to introduce myself to the communities, though. Soon.
Does anyone know how to cast and color silicone sextoys? I've been looking for info online and haven't found anything yet that was specifically about sextoys. I'd like to try my hand at making dildos and other things for Wicked Touch. I did find a book on Amazon, though, that I might buy when I have money. It's a general book about rubber, silicone, and plastic casting.
Still having trouble accessing my business e-mail accounts, very annoying. I haven't been able to access them at all for the past two days.
I've slept even less than normal the past few days; I'm starting to feel like I'm high. Everything is just kind of hazy and slow motion. Body hurts too much to sleep.
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| Thursday, August 28th, 2003
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6:02 pm
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Another day where not a whole lot happened. Lots of baby-wrangling as the little miss gains mobility. She's been testing her palate on a wide variety of grownup foods: organic blueberry waffles, tortillas, cheerios, bananas, egg flower soup, crepes, etc. It adds a little fun to our days.
Glen may have found me some part-time work baking for local restaurants and coffee shops. I know my cookies will pass muster, but I'm not sure if my desserts are up to restaurant caliber. They always taste great, I just don't usually put a whole lot into garnishing them. I also worry about finding commercial kitchen space that I can afford and finding the time to make these things. Feeling spread thin, but it's hard to turn my back on an opportunity for paying work. Damn rural work ethic!
I need to be spoiled, I need some attention. Not sex, something else. I need someone to think of me and do nice things for me without being asked or told. I need congenial company. I need distractions from the stress that is gnawing at me night and day. I could probably do with a few undisturbed naps and some good, solid meals, too. Oh, and someone to clean the house. I could turn my needs into a very long and tiresome list if I thought about them hard enough.
I'm reading a pretty good book at the moment, a historical mystery called The Demon Archer by P.C. Doherty. Not a tough read, but entertaining. I've read all of the books by most of my favorite mystery authors, so I'm looking for new authors and praying that my old standbys will put out new books soon.
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| Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
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5:45 pm
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This morning we went to a playgroup for "alternative" parents and their kids. It was fun. Miranda was the youngest there, but she had a good time dipping her toes in the fountain, playing with people's keyrings, and munching on pieces of banana. She napped pretty hard when we got home.
While she slept, I started embroidering a breadcloth with snowflake patterns. Not sure who I'm going to give it to, but it will be someone's holiday present if I manage to finish it. I like snowflakes and snowmen probably the best of any winter holiday symbols. They're not favoring any denomination and they're just kind of appealing to look at.
My arm is still hurting, though not as bad as yesterday. Mostly aching, the tiger balm is working as a distractionary device today.
I feel like watching silent films and eating something chocolatey.
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| Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
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9:21 pm
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A fitful nap, a handful of advil, and a bellyful of stirfry haven't done much for my arm. Next up is a frenzy of lathering my sore parts with tiger balm. Guess it's a good thing that only the shoulder, hips, and back are sore. Then again, I've done the whole tiger balm on the nipples thing and liked it just fine. Maybe it was everything else that was going on while my nipples were burning.
Missing Kennric. We usually talk every day on Jabber and it leaves a big gap in my day when I don't get those random messages telling me what he's working on or thinking about. I hope he's having a good time. I wonder how the habanero lime pickles came out; he said he wasn't going to try them until he was on the playa. I bet that a little of the brine on the feet would ward off any case of playa foot.
Frustrated. I want to be building things and doing things rather than worrying about when the financial axe is going to drop on my head and splatter me everywhere. I have a sub in Chicago who wants phone training, I need to give him a paypal number so he can pay me for at least the first hour upfront. We'll see if he's serious then. My other hot prospect broke his hip, so I won't be seeing him for awhile. Not being terribly lucky with this whole domme thing yet, must improve.
I took out my woes on an enormous batch of chili yesterday. Several quarts of it. Tomorrow I test it out on my gamer lab rats to see if they like it. If they do, it will go into my second cookbook; guess I should finish writing the first one soon. I plan to throw myself at that project pretty heavily once Rhia is home. I want to write a set of cookbooks for gamers with recipes that are easy, tasty, and inexpensive. I'll probably throw in some science, some cute caricatures and cartoons, and maybe a few scantily clad pictures of myself.  goloban was strongly in favor of the latter. Do I really have that much face value? Anyway, I'm hoping to have it finished inside of a year, then I want to do a second book all about running the hospitality suite at cons since con food is generally abysmal. I know that I can do better. By the way, if anyone steals these ideas, I'll hunt you down and kill you with my bare hands.....I'm not kidding. I'm desperate and depressed, don't push it!
Looking for video/photo work still. Clown porn, splosh, bdsm, whatever pays and doesn't offend me too deeply. Okay, probably no vanilla porn unless it's with somebody I already want to fuck. Seems kind of boring otherwise.
*deep sigh*
Wish I had something stronger than advil for this shoulder, I'm pretty sure I sprained it.
current mood:  sore
current music: Oogie Ba Rock
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12:48 pm
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I was tossing Miranda up in the air and catching her when there was this ugly popping sound and fire shot from the center of my chest all down my left arm. Nothing in the middle feels out of place, but I have that familiar out-of-place/strained feeling in my arm. My hand is throbbing and feels like it's burning. It hurts, another wound to add to the pile.
Didn't sleep as usual, thinking about building a giant litebrite.
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| Monday, August 25th, 2003
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8:50 pm
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What a great time for my business e-mail accounts to go on the fritz! My computer keeps timing out before I can connect. Grrr! Feeling very cranky about this, not sure what to do. Ran a virus scan, deleted some useless software, not making computer move any faster. I need to have someone come in and streamline this fossil so that it runs more efficiently.
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3:14 pm
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Overwhelmed. That's one adjective that fits. Today I hit a breaking point and I'm feeling very low. I don't know what more I can do to get us out of the mess we're in. I may go try to find some paralegal temp work. I'm doing my best, but I feel like I'm drowning. Trying to make two businesses successful, trying to find sources of income, being a full-time mom, keeping the house, cooking, keeping up on bills and responsibilities, trying to be a partner and lover. I can't decide if I'm being pressed down like a lump of clay or pulled in a million different directions. There are so many things that I want to do, things that would fulfill and relax me, bring me joy, but I don't have the time, energy, or resources for those things. Just slogging through the shit and the mire, trying not to let it get to me as much as it does.
I've had people dropping like flies from my friends list, I guess they're as tired of my depression and insecurity as I am. The misanthropic part of me says, "Fine, fuck 'em, don't need 'em anyway." It bugs me, though, because I know that I used to be happy and interesting and interested. Now I'm mostly apathetic. Just trying to get by, thank you very much.
I'm closing off from the world. Too tired to deal with most of it. Sick of things getting worse and worse. I've worked my fucking ass off my whole life and it never seems to do any good. I don't expect life to be easy, never have, but could it let up for awhile for fucks' sake! I constantly feel like someone is squeezing my chest shut. My heart pounds so hard that I can feel it in my head and it hurts to breathe. But I still have to fake it and be strong and keep going and try to pull everything back up with me. I'm tired of living it, I'm tired of talking about it; sometimes the only thing that sounds like it would feel good is taking a sledgehammer to something until I can't take another swing.
I want to cry but it seems like a waste of time.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Geschichte - Caramelle
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 24th, 2003
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2:58 pm
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Oh, somebody please nominate me to be in the welovegeeks 2004 Geek Girl Calendar. Please!!! I can supply all of the photos.
I think I know enough smart, sexy women to fill up a calendar, actually. Lessee, there's rhiawolf, mortalcity, eleri, catling, tmonsta, and daenin. And those are just the ones that I know personally. I haven't seen pictures of everyone, but I know there are a bunch of other mega-hotties on my friends list.
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11:47 am
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I'm so curious.
Sometimes I find myself looking at random people and wondering what it would be like to fuck them. How would they taste? How would they kiss? What are they into? It was a game that I used to play back when I was dancing; reading people's kinks, watching what they responded to. It was like being a world class gambler, knowing what was in their hands before they showed it.
I've always liked the idea of being a sacred whore, a slut goddess. I like the idea of touching and kissing and tasting just to see what would happen, but it's not my inherent nature. I don't have the ability to share at that level with just anyone even though I love to fantasize about it. It's not that I think I'm too pretty or too good for other people, it's more that I can't stand to be touched by most people. I have a hard time even getting comfortable enough to casually hug someone, so it's a huge leap for me to get intimate with anyone.
But there are exceptions.
There have been a handful of people in my life where the chemistry was so good that I forgot about my shyness and dove into their arms with complete abandon. And it has always been amazing when I did.
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11:09 am
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Are any of the other locals considering going to the LJ social that was advertised in damnportlanders? I'm thinking about going, but waffling a little due to overwhelming shyness.
Today I've been doing the kitchen goddess/femme survivalist thing. I've made mashed potatoes to freeze, zucchini soup to freeze, and sourdough starter; next up, pesto to freeze, garlic dill pickles, homemade snack cake mix, homemade oat baking mix, homemade pizza crust mix, and start soaking the beans for an enormous batch of black bean chili to freeze. I might even whip out the bread machine and toss in the ingredients for a loaf of maple oatmeal bread just to snack on. I'll do granola and zucchini bread later in the week, with plans to make other freezer foods if I can afford the ingredients.
Okay, I'm having a serious bout of hunger anxiety. The deep financial suckage that currently dominates my life is making me crazy and this is the one thing I can do to alleviate some of that anxiety. After the intense poverty of my childhood and the years of struggling when I was first on my own, I have a gut-level fear reaction to financial situations like these where I feel helpless. I have to do something with all of the energy that builds up or I freak out and start making wild, doom-saying proclamations.
Underneath it all, though, I am running on false energy. I don't sleep very often, and when I do, my dreams are usually as frantic as my mental state when I'm awake. I never seem to feel rested. Something has to go right soon. Something has to give. Right now I feel like I'm waiting for the hammer to fall and it's an ugly, ugly feeling.
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| Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
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12:11 pm
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I just got the most fabulous heirloom pears at the farmer's market! *rapture*
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| Friday, August 22nd, 2003
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10:56 pm
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I have an opportunity to make some videos of Lady Fey torturing some lucky sub. Even better, it's a paying gig. I'm hoping it will all work out because a little income would be a very good thing right now. I also have two potential clients lined up for the next few weeks; waiting to confirm details. Tonight I got kind of a downer e-mail, a "sub" who obviously thinks that "dominatrix" is a synonym for "hooker". I was polite in my negative response.
Today I used most of the money I had to buy Miranda some warmer clothes for fall. Two cute little sweatsuits in decidedly unpink colors. She had a good time while we were out, smiling and waving from her perch in the backpack. She ended up conking out on Glen's shoulder before we headed home. Very cute.
Planning to hit the farmer's market in the morning to see what's in season and on sale. From there I plan to do some freezing and canning. I also have big plans for making chili and other things for the freezer. Stocking up now in case finances get worse. Having food is a good thing. Especially when an hour of cooking will yield enough to feed you on ten different nights.
While I was at Kennric's, he commented that I'd really be happy being the farmwife making cheese and putting up jams and pickles for winter. He's so right. I don't think I'd love anything more than that. Being able to live from the land as much as possible. Needing less but having plenty. It would be a good feeling.
I wonder if he still wants to go fishing or crabbing after he gets back from Burning Man?
I had a dream about building cold frames so that I could grow kale and other fresh veggies through the winter. I just need some scrap lumber and some old windows. I have the old tarps and lots of good compost to work with already. I need to find out how much the old windows would cost.
Feeling very survivalist today. Maybe I should go tan a hide or pound some reeds into paper or something.
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| Thursday, August 21st, 2003
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10:38 am - beeyootiful soup
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The next time I make spicy peanut biscotti, I need to make a big pot of tomato soup to go with them. Good stuff.
I'm not sure how I'm getting home. I was supposed to take the train, but there's a chance that Glen will be driving down here today. I guess I'll call once Kennric is up to take Miranda while I'm on the phone. She's like holding onto a raccoon when you're on the phone. Little hands everywhere.
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| Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
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9:58 pm
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I'm going to brag and say that when it comes to biscotti, I fuckin' rock! Only two more batches to go.
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8:51 pm
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Today we decided to make as many cookies as we had ingredients for. Three batches of biscotti and mega-batches of oatmeal and peanutbutter. I also made a big pot of adobo chicken for dinner.
Kennric and I need to meet more bi/poly/kinky/literary foodies so we can have big cooking days. We've already convinced catling to join our evil cooking empire, but it would be fun to have a few more people who wanted to get together for big days of canning, baking, making ravioli, etc. Always making enough for everyone to take home some for themselves and some for the freezer or pantry. We could also save a ton of money by having several people pitch in on ingredients.
I need to go check my fig almond raisin biscotti, they should be just about done with their first trip through the oven.
current mood:  artistic
current music: Futurama on tv
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