Amy's Journal

8:59pm: NO NAP, AND BARGAINS GALORE!
Today I got up a few minutes after four, and realized after getting ready for work that I couldn't make my bus, even if I ran all six blocks (which I can't, especially in motorcycling harness boots). So I took my car in. I stopped at my bank's ATM for cash and stopped at the Starbucks near work for a soy milk mocha with two shots of espresso. I found the cheapest pay lot I could, but it was still $8. I need to do better ~ allow enough time in the morning to catch the bus, or find cheaper parking.

It was a good day, though. Work went pretty smoothly, and I am getting a grip on the paperwork.

I called my brother a few minutes before quitting time to see if today was a good day for a Costco run for him, as I have a membership and he doesn't. He had left a message over the weekend saying he wanted to go early this week. Turns out I caught him at a good time for shopping, so I went over to his place and we went to Costco from there in his new used car. We ate a lot of samples and looked at a lot of stuff and spent an hour and a half there, including lunch after checkout. I helped carry stuff in to his place and hung out there for a while, helping him put things away.

I called Loki from my brother's house and arranged to meet him on Capitol Hill. I wanted to go thrift store shopping to look for clothes I can wear to work, and he was agreeable. First we hit the Value Village on Capitol Hill. Sometime since the last time I was there, they eliminated the upstairs dressing rooms, which made for a long wait outside the booths downstairs. Finally I got a chance to try on lots of pants and some overalls. This was pretty damn depressing, since I haven't been shopping since I gained all this weight. I had guessed and thought I'd be a 6 or 8, but even those sizes didn't fit me. The overalls I found did fit, though, and they are a pale khaki-type material and totally suitable for work, they won't show bleach stains easily, and they were on sale for 99 cents. Yay! Next we went to the Goodwill on Dearborn. I couldn't bear to look for pants again, but looked through the overalls and found a good pair of Lee Riveted sturdy light blue denim shortalls suitable for gardening and knocking about, and a denim jumper I can probably wear to work. These items were also on sale, for $1.29 each. Monday seems to be the big sale day for thrift stores. I'll have to try again another week and try to find some pants or overalls suitable for work.

I said farewell to Loki and went home and checked my email and my LiveJournal friends, made and responded to a few LJ posts and comments (not as many as I'd like, though), fixed a sandwich for supper, took a phone call from Skippy, and now I'm writing this.

It's been a really good day. I'm glad I got together with Loki. If I'd gone home after work, I'd almost surely have gone back to bed, like I did after every day I worked last week. I didn't nap at all today, and now I think I can get to bed at reasonable hour, which will be shortly, hopefully not much later than nine.

Goodnight, all.

9:15pm: RECLUSIVE
I just went outside for the first time today, but only to move my car a few feet. I'm planning on taking the bus in to work tomorrow, and after getting home from Saturday night's party I parked in a zone that has a two-hour limit, except on Sundays and holidays. I don't know if Columbus Day actually counts as a holiday in these parts, but I didn't want to take the chance on getting a ticket.

Now I'm going to call Loki and apologize for flaking out on getting together tonight.

7:15pm: THE USUAL BDSM AND RECOVERY MESHED ENTRY YOU ALL HAVE COME TO EXPECT
I managed to survive my first week of gainful employment. I had Friday off (I won't always), so I was able to attend and enjoy The Grind and do some dancing. I was in a Topping mood but didn't have any prospects for a formal scene. I ended up doing some light Topping and sensation play with a friend of mine on a futon. A few weeks ago I lost my first cane from Shadow Project Design and it's never turned up, which makes me sad, because I had played with it several times, liked it, and had made it mine. I really do need to get one of those cylindrical cases for carrying Bear's mini-paddle "poppers" and my canes, as I think my first cane slipped and fell out of my toy bag somewhere, as my bag won't zip completely closed with the "poppers" and the canes in there. I have a tiny slender rattan cane made by a friend that is light and stingy, but getting another cane or two is high on my list, although I don't know if I can stand to wait until December's Vendor Fair to shop for toys. There is a experiential caning workshop coming up next weekend and it would be nice to have more of my own toys to work with, although I'm pretty sure I can borrow a few of the toys that are there.

Friday night I attended two excellent meetings back-to-back ~ Narcotics Anonymous, followed by the Marijuana Anonymous meeting that I secretary. It was one of the best NA meetings I've ever been to. I recognized one fellow there as someone I'd met at the Monday night AA step study meeting a couple of weeks ago, the fellow who had valuable things to share about Step Nine. His sharing at the NA meeting was also high caliber. I got some hugs and chatted with him after the meeting. I also bought a copy of Just For Today, which is a book of daily meditations that I've enjoyed having heard read from in meetings. Not only will it be good for my own study, it'll be a good resource for chairing meetings, as there are tons of topics in there within the one-page readings. I already found one I want to share here. It's for March 22nd, which is my date of sobriety, and it's so appropriate to where I am this week:

"In our addiction, we were dependent upon people, places, and things. We looked to them to support us and supply the things we found lacking in ourselves."
Basic Text, p. 67

In the animal kingom, there is a creature that thrives on others. It is called a leech. It attaches itself to people and takes what it needs. When one victim brushes the leech off, it simply goes to the next.

In our active addiction, we behaved similarly. We drained our families, our friends, and our communities. Consciously or unconsciously, we sought to get something for nothing from virtually everyone we encountered.

When we saw the basket passed at our first meeting we may have thought, "Self-support! Now what kind of odd notion is this?" As we watched, we noticed something. These self-supporting addicts were free. By paying their own way, they had earned the privilege of making their own decisions.

By applying the principle of self-support in our personal lives, we gain for ourselves the same kind of freedom. No longer does anyone have the right to tell us where to live, because we pay our own rent. We can eat, wear, or drive whatever we choose, because we provide it for ourselves.

Unlike the leech, we don't have to depend on others for our sustenance. The more responsibility we assume, the more freedom we'll gain.

Just for today: There are no limits to the freedom I can earn by supporting myself. I will accept personal responsibility and pay my own way today.

After the meetings, I dropped in at Erotic City to hang out and talk with friends. One of my girlfriends invited me to be her date for her ex's wedding that she's planning to attend in January in Portland, and it's likely I'll go. I have a couple of friends in Portland I could visit while I'm there, as well, although Gorgeous Boy isn't likely to be one of them. He promised to keep in touch when he moved to the City of Roses in the middle of August, but I haven't heard anything from him at all. It was a risky thing, emotionally, for me to play with him, and he turned out not to be available, which I've tried to be mellow about, but it hurts anyway. Just because someone hot plays with me doesn't mean they give a flying fuck about me or my feelings for them, and how quickly I forget. My libido has been rather low for the last few months, so going without sexual play and sexual scenes makes some sense, and I have other things to work on, like my recovery and getting back into school, but I still long for a lover ~ a relationship that's mutually hot and some true intimacy that will help ease some of my loneliness.

Saturday morning I worked an easy shift (only 7:00 to 10:30) and I made a Costco run afterwards. Saturday night I worked an early Ambassador shift at The Wet Spot and I trained two people. After I was off duty, I negotiated a scene with Skippy and miraclemax co-Topping me. They are both so much fun to play with, although they hurt me plenty, enough for me to be hopping up and down and creatively cursing at times ("You dirty bastard, Sir!!"). I got to experience Max's quirt from WIAN Studios for the first time, which hurt like hell but I liked it. The bamboo skewers Skippy brought were innocent-looking but especially vicious. The fellows also did a side-by-side comparison of Max's dragon tongue from WIAN Studios and Skippy's wolftail made by our local pervert and leather worker, Wolf. Max bowed out of the scene early, at which point Skippy brought out his saw blades, which he used as paddles ~ ow! He also used the teeth of the saw blades as sensation toys. I tell you, there is just no limit to the imaginations of kinky people. After the scene, Skippy and I cuddled in the alcove for a while and also talked with a mutual acquaintance.

I'm pretty sore today, and rather droppy. I went back to bed and I slept most of the day. Loki and I might be getting together tonight if he's still free, although I'm not in very good spirits and I feel like returning to the the fetal position.

9:45pm: SECOND DAY OF WORK
Today I signed my work contract, which goes until November 3rd. I can work up to thirty hours a week at twelve dollars an hour. It's not big money, but it's something, and I'm relieved to be working again.

My schedule is somewhat flexible, although on weekdays I'll always start at 6:00 am, and on Saturdays I would start at 7:00 am. I asked for most Fridays off so that I may still enjoy The Grind from time to time. I will probably be working some Saturdays, so I won't be able to get to The Wet Spot's 12-Step meeting every Saturday morning, so I'll need to make arrangements for someone else to secretary that meeting on the Saturdays I can't be there. On Tuesdays and Thursdays the male urinalysis techinician is in school and doesn't work at the clinic. If I want to drive to work on those days, I may use his parking space. This has some appeal, as I can leave home about 5:45 am to drive to work instead of leaving at 5:00 am to catch the bus.

The job is going well, but I am still adjusting to the hours. I took another nap today after I got home, but I am going to bed earlier tonight than last night and the night before, so I am making some progress.

I love my boss, and most of the clients are very friendly.

I need to go thrift store shopping to get some pants that fit. My coworkers are probably going to get tired of my bib overalls, and that's about all that fit since gaining twenty pounds shortly after I quit smoking weed.

10:16pm: FIRST DAY AT WORK
This morning I got up, showered, dressed, read my email and my LiveJournal friends' entries, ate breakfast, drank tea, and made a sandwich to take in a brown bag, all in record time ~ 45 minutes.

I left the house at 5:00 am sharp and hoofed it to a bus stop about six blocks away from home.

The bus had quite a few people on it, despite the early hour.

I transferred to another bus downtown. Downtown Seattle is relatively quiet and somewhat eerie at 5:30 am. I noted with some strange relief that Seattle's Best Coffee at 4th and Spring opens at 5:00 am, and that I have enough time between buses to get coffee, if I ever should want or need it.

Got to the clinic at 5:40 and there was a small crowd of addicts outside waiting for the clinic to open at 6:00 so they could get their methadone dosing. I was let in by the male urinalysis technician.

Aside from being short on sleep, and some upper back pain from my adventures over the weekend, my day went well. I like the job and the people I'm meeting so far. I even caught one cheater today, having just an hour of experience on the job. I'm naturally eagle-eyed and I enjoy explaining and enforcing rules, so the work seems to be a good fit for me. It also helps that I'm familiar with the way addicts think.

I worked until noon.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to work eight hours, and I'll get to sign my contract, which will be for two weeks, as I understand it. I have no idea exactly many hours or what my hourly rate of pay is yet, but on the days I do work, I'll be starting at 6:00 am. I'm not too worried about the details I don't yet know, and I am trusting everything will turn out all right.

I went down for a two-hour nap after I got home. I felt good, but psychically and physically drained. I'm hoping to get to a place where I can do more productive things in the afternoon after I get home and resist napping, and get to bed at an earlier hour, like 8:00 or 9:00.

I just took a hot bath, hoping to soothe the big spastic knot in my upper back, and I'm toddling off to bed shortly. Hooray for my friend, Tylenol PM.

Goodnight, all.

10:45pm: I should be in bed. Soon I will.

I staffed Thursday's Grind, Friday's Women's Party, and tonight's Bondage Is The Point Party. Last night I played, though. Loki took me out to dinner at a little Chinese restaurant in residential Wallingford, and we went to the Spot afterwards for the Pansexual BDSM Play Party. We hung out and talked to other people for over an hour, and then we scened.

A few weeks ago Loki gave me a large flogger as a gift and last night was the first time I used it in a scene, although I've practiced a bit with it, and I practiced with it on roxann_ireland at the Beginning Flogging workshop in September. Taking the workshop was very worthwhile. I used two hands to control this flogger (it's too big and heavy for me, really, and I may end up trimming the tails a few inches) and I didn't use it on his back until his skin was very much warmed up from other stimuli and his endorphins were flowing. The flogging portions of the scene went well and I didn't wrap him, not even once. I worked my way up from gentle strokes to fairly hard and punchy ones. I also snapped his butt a bit with my wolftail and left some nice welts on him. I paddled him with my paddles and with my mini-paddle "poppers" that Bear made. I flogged Loki with my latex floggers, too. After I took him out of bondage, I forced him to his knees to eat my pussy while I stood on the bottom rungs of the grid rack, facing out. I gave him some aftercare in the social area and I sat on his lap and cuddled with him.

A while later, flying on Top energy, I negotiated a second scene with my former switch (former? current? I'm not sure anymore) and I borrowed some canes from a friend who happens to have a lot of them. I've had scenes with my former switch that went better; I think it's because we were both unfamiliar with the toys. I also felt a little guilty about leaving Loki on his own to go play again, although he had said it was fine.

Tonight at the Bondage Party I got several compliments from people on my scene last night with Loki and even one offer to play from a relatively new member who's never played before but he likes my style and energy. That's nifty.

Tomorrow morning I start my new job. If I take the bus, I need to leave home at 5:00 am. I'll need to look into the cost of parking, as driving is pretty attractive ~ it only takes ten minutes; the bus trips are about forty. Gah.

10:47am: A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF
When I got to the church for last night's Marijuana Anonymous meeting, the one that I secretary, one of the addicts outside asked me if we were having a meeting. I told him that he was there, and that I was there, and that was sufficient for a meeting. It only takes two to make a meeting.

I went inside to set up and I decided to make coffee, even though I had no idea how many more people (if any) were going to show up. At our business meeting last month I agreed to take on the task of buying some coffee and supplies. I ended up deciding to buy a 12 ounce bag of Torrefazione Italia, rather than a big can of Yuban or Costco's house brand or some such. I figured it would take forever to finish a big can of coffee at the rate of just one pot a week, and that it would get stale before long. The coffee lovers at our meeting last week seemed pleasantly surprised and mighty pleased when I made our first pot of this stuff. I've seen fellow addicts squinch up their faces over poor-quality coffee at meetings all over this fair city, and having good coffee available is truly a perk, so to speak.

Plenty more people trickled in, and we ended up having nine or ten folks.

One fellow wandered in a bit late, grabbed a pamphlet, and went back out, and then twenty minutes later or so, he wandered back in. When he first came in, I recognized him vaguely, but couldn't place him exactly. After he came in the second time and stayed, I realized that I'd met him at The Wet Spot at one of our 12-Step meetings there, back in the spring, and we had talked after that meeting for quite a while.

This guy was the last one to share, and there was a whole lot of recovery in his remarks, which went on for about ten minutes. He is an alcoholic and has fifteen years of sobriety. I spoke to him after the meeting, confirmed that I recognized him from the club, and I hugged him tight. He invited me out for tea, but I had to get home and get ready for the Women's Party, so I gave him my phone number and email address and asked for a raincheck.

I drove home feeling really good about the meeting and all the experience, strength, and hope I'd heard. I haven't felt so great right after a meeting since quite early in my sobriety. It was a profoundly good meeting, and not just because of the excellent coffee.

Before I went out to the club, I dropped to my knees at my bedside and prayed in sincere gratitude.

I've never done that before. Sure, I say prayers with others in unison at meetings all the time, but I've never made any prayers of my own at home that felt so real.

I consider this a spiritual breakthrough, and a milestone in my recovery.

12:35pm: PAYING THE PIPER
Yikes! One of my credit card accounts is overdue and I can't afford to make the minimum payment unless I get a cash advance from one of my other credit cards, which I really don't want to do. This is part of the wreckage of living an unsustainable stoner lifestyle for so long ~ I am thousands of dollars in debt.

The good news is that with my new job and my modest trust income, I can start to turn this debt around. In the six months since I quit smoking pot, I would estimate that I've saved over $3000 that I would have otherwise spent on weed.

Also, the last time I spoke to my father, I refrained from asking him for financial help to bail me out. I'm rather proud of myself for this. I got myself into this pickle on my own, and it's only fair that I dig myself out and not ask him to subsidize my mistakes as I have asked him to in the past. My father did generously offer me a cash bonus if I hold my job for the next six months, as an incentive to stick with it. If I do earn that bonus, it will coincide nicely with my one-year anniversary of being clean and sober, and I can apply it toward my debt.

I've also been giving some thought to changing my living situation, if I can find an attractive opportunity to share housing and reduce my costs. I've been living alone for eight and a half years. It's a luxury I haven't always been able to afford, and living alone has other disadvantages for me, as well.

10:30am: LAST GRIND FOR A WHILE?
I'm tired. I staffed The Grind last night as a late DM. It was a busy night ~ well-attended and a lot of people played. A few small things with voyeurs and players did not go entirely smoothly, and some supplies and linens were not in place where they were supposed to be, so it wasn't the easiest shift, but the challenging shifts are more stimulating and help make me a better DM. This might be my last Grind for a while, depending on what days I have to work at my new job, which has those hideously early hours. Let's face it: most small children will have a later bedtime than I will.

My former switch showed up late in the party. I hardly ever see him at the Spot these days. Recently I was thinking about how much I miss playing with him, and I mentioned that to him. He said the BDSM element has almost completely tapered off in his primary relationship, and he has fond memories of playing with me, too. He "converted" or "trained" a vanilla girlfriend to play, and apparently she doesn't get much charge from playing, so the kinky part of their relationship hasn't really endured. He indicated he's available for a play date. I'll admit, I'm giving it serious consideration. Topping him is especially rewarding. The agreement he has with his primary is no intercourse with others, and she also doesn't want to know anything about his play dates, whether in advance, or debriefing afterwards, and basically would rather pretend his other play partners don't exist. It's not really the terms I want, as it doesn't feel so much like a poly arrangement but rather like a semi-tolerated old-fashioned affair. Also, I like fucking, and under these terms, I miss out on that. Is getting some of what I want with him better than getting nothing at all? This is something I need to think about. I'm also thinking about celibacy again, while I focus on my new job and redouble my efforts toward my recovery.

I'm still feeling a little congested, but I've not been coughing for the last couple of days, thank goodness. I've been taking two or three doses a day of pseudoephedrine hydrochloride. I'm also taking tylenol and Vitamin C and I'm drinking lots of fluids. Maybe I'm going to beat this illness. Yesterday I felt well enough to do some yard work late in the day. I lopped and shaped the lilacs so they aren't drooping so low over the path to my house. Today is yard waste collection day, so I had some incentive to fill our can and put it on the curb. I haven't had enough sleep, but I have a bunch of chores I need to work on today ~ I hope I can accomplish some of them. Late in the afternoon I hope to go down for a nap, then I'll have my MA meeting at 7:30 and I'm staffing the Women's Party tonight as a late DM.

I need another cup of black tea.

*toddles off to the kitchen*

10:48am: JOB!!
Looks like I have some employment ahead, but it's a little complicated.

The clinic has been very busy. They do some urinalysis work on contract, and the amount of work and income they've generated from that contract has varied a bit since the time the contract started over the summer. There's been some question among management as to how stable this source of income is for the clinic. Since they started the contract, the work and the income have increased, but it hasn't yet leveled out, and they don't know whether the busy activity is summer-related and will decrease in the fall, or what. It will be a little while before they can analyze September's data.

So I'm being asked if I'd like to start as a contract employee, and within a few weeks they should be able to make me an offer of permanent employment. Alternatively, I may hold off from working and wait until after the middle of October for word on whether I may come on as permanent.

At this point I'm so desperate for cash I'm willing to start on contract. In the back of my mind I'm also thinking that if I can't stand the work or the early hours and want to quit, it would be less disruptive to them if it doesn't work out before I become permanent.

I explained to her that I haven't been feeling well this week. I'll start Monday at 6:00 am, unless I'm feeling better sooner, in which case I have the option of starting Friday morning.

I totally forgot to ask what rate of pay and how many hours per week I'd get as a contract employee. I'm not too worried about it. I want to demonstrate some flexibility and willingness.

Today I'm going to take my laundry out to the laundromat. I slept pretty well last night and I am feeling well enough today that I want to get some chores done. I feel a need to get my ducks in a row, as many as possible, before I start working.

6:09pm: JOB?
I just took a hot shower for the sake of my congested lungs, and there was a voicemail from the clinic when I got out. The woman I've been playing phone tag with apologized to me for the delay in getting back in touch and she wants me to call her tomorrow about 10:00 am. As far as I know, it's good news, or perhaps I'll be asked to wait a bit longer.

This is a happy thing for me. Sick or not sick, I desperately need a job.

2:57pm: SICKER
I think this stupid illness is going to get worse before it's going to get better. I started coughing last night, and today I have a low-grade fever (99.1). I can feel the pressure increasing in my sinuses. Yesterday I started taking pseudoephedrine hydrochloride, a decongestant I haven't taken in many years, and it mucked with my sleep. I haven't had a sinus infection since the mid-90s, and all these symptoms are hauntingly familiar.

At least I have enough provisions and supplies. I don't need to go out, although I may, if only for a brief walk. Loki wanted to meet me late this afternoon before his first class of the quarter, and I wish I was more physically up for it.

My neighbors in the big house are moving out. This is a happy thing for me, since we weren't particularly friendly with each other. I get to start fresh with the new people. Hopefully they won't put their recycling in the garbage and their garbage in the recycling like the folks moving out. I hope they are savvier gardeners, too. One of the tenants moving out pulled out all my calendulas I had overwintered in the front planting strip to put in bulbs this spring, which was completely unneccessary since they could co-exist. They were special calendulas from seed, too ~ dusty pink ones, and some pointy orange ones that looked like little dahlias.

I need to get my landlord to clean my gutters. I don't want to go through another winter with clogged gutters and an eroding drip line on my planting beds.

I finally told Sven I don't enjoy seeing him or having him call me when he's gotten stoned beforehand. Maybe he thought I can't tell, but I can. It's like there's a mask or a fog in the way when I try to relate to him under such conditions. It's more difficult to be close with him (intellectually and sexually) when he's in a haze. Plus, there's a part of me that's offended. Does he really need a drugged mind in order to enjoy me, or to enjoy our time together at the club?

8:21pm: SICKLY
Things were holding steady for a while, but today I feel sicker than ever. My throat glands are huge and I have a sore throat. I should take my temperature.

I spent most of the day in bed, but it didn't seem to help much.

On Thursday Loki came over. We played at my house and I introduced a new element of play to him, brave boy. I popped his anal cherry. After that we went for a long (for me) walk. I'd never been to the park next to the Seattle Tilth demonstration gardens before. I'd often wondered what was behind the stone wall on North 50th Street. Loki wanted to show me the apple trees there. We ate crab apples and did a little dog-watching. There was a beautiful chocolate lab playing fetch, and a long-haired mixed breed that appeared to be part cocker spaniel and part collie or border collie (or perhaps an even more complex mix than that). We talked with the mutt's owner. She used to live on the premises, in the giant building on Sunnyside Avenue North, as a caretaker of the building. Seems like a nice deal, especially with the splendid grounds and all. I felt my hackles rising when she said that pit bulls should be banned from off-leash parks. Frankly, she hadn't demonstrated very good control of her own dog when it broke free from her (on-leash) to run and greet the chocolate lab.

Thursday night I staffed The Grind as Event Coordinator. shadowsofgrey had me wear the EC badge and not a Shadow badge. She wanted me to be flying solo but with her around to back me up if there was a problem I couldn't solve on my own. It worked for me. Loki was there. We didn't play, since I was working, but there were some hot scenes to watch.

Friday night I went to my MA meeting. The newcomer boy had called me Thursday and left a message thanking me for kindly talking with him and telling me that he'd be there at the MA meeting on Friday night, but he didn't show up. After the MA meeting I went to Erotic City where I had arranged to meet Sven, who got there later. I talked to a relatively new member for a while and discovered some common interests, so I hope to be seeing him around the club again. I got permission from the Event Coordinator to delay my Rovering shift until late in the party and I played in the back. I fisted two different women friends of mine in quick succession, and my hand and wrist and arm are still pretty sore even today. I didn't get a chance to connect much sexually with Sven but I facilitated some introductions for him. After the party I stayed an hour to help Teacake and another volunteer break down.

Saturday I stayed in bed all day. I was exhausted, probably a clue I was getting sicker. The MA newcomer boy called me and we talked for a while. He relapsed on Friday night, which is what I had suspected had happened. I feel so thankful I am not using. And I feel so thankful I am not in the earliest stages of my sobriety anymore.

Saturday night I shadowed the early Cashier at the Pan Party, and got more experience on the register and on the computer, which I needed. The Cashier is a friend of mine who I've barely spoken to in recent months, and we had a good connection and did a lot of catching up. After my shift I hung out, talked to people, and watched scenes. I had an opportunity to play with miraclemax, but by the time some rack space opened up I was too tired. Today I'm feeling glad that I didn't play last night, as I think I'd be feeling even sicker today if I had.

I've been reflecting a lot today on my relationships and my play. I need to suspend things for a while, at least until I'm completely over this illness. I'm also not sure that I'm getting what I want and need in some of my play relationships.

Right now, getting well is my main concern. My sobriety is really important, too. And this new job, if I ever get offered it. But being sick, I'm not in any particular hurry to be working.

12:48pm: JOB REASSURANCES, AND A SUNNY DAY
I called the woman at the clinic back at 3:00 yesterday and left a voicemail. This morning I got a call from one of my contacts there (he isn't involved in my hiring, but he's a friend of mine who happens to work there). He told me that negotiations are taking place with the agency's budget-conscious director to bring me on at a minimum of thirty hours a week. So, I'll just be patient and allow those advocating for me to do their work. Thankfully, this means I can keep up my volunteer commitments at the Spot this weekend, as I'm pretty sure it will be at least a few days before I start.

Meanwhile, Loki took the day off from work today and is on his way over to my house. I'm not sure what we'll do this afternoon, but probably something outside since it's so nice. Maybe we'll go for a walk, or do some work in my yard, or go for a country drive.

I had a good MA meeting last night and spent an hour and a half talking with a newcomer who had only a few hours of sobriety after the meeting. We had a good connection there. I invited him to attend the Friday night meeting that I secretary. I hope he'll be back.

2:10pm: HURRY UP AND WAIT
I called the clinic yesterday at 10:00 as I was instructed to and spoke with the woman involved in hiring for this position. She indicated that there would be more than ten or twenty hours a week for me, and that it would be at least twenty or thirty. Also, she said they could make me a permanent employee, and that means I'd have benefits if I were working over twenty hours a week. (Yay!) She needed to check with her finance department to find out how many hours a week they could offer me and at what rate of pay. They've taken on some urinalysis contract work recently, income from which needs to be factored in to their current budget for this position. I was to call her back at noon today for the answers. She hadn't checked yet and asked me to call back again at 3:00 today.

I've done many drug deals that were simpler and far more expedient than this.

*sigh*

Meanwhile, I'm doing some cleaning up and de-cluttering at home. I think I'll go for a walk later, too. It's a lovely day, and I haven't been getting much exercise lately. Some mild exercise ought to help with my persistent back stiffness. And these sunny days won't be lasting long.

11:58pm: BLUE MONDAY
I went to an AA meeting tonight ~ it's the one I've been going to on most Monday nights in recent months. I like the Step Study offered there. Tonight's study was on Step Nine. There was a new guy at tonight's meeting, a guy seasoned in recovery but new to Seattle, and I got a lot out of his sharing about his methods of making amends. I'm starting to be a little more out there about marijuana being my drug of choice. This is a bit terrifying, because it's a "closed" AA meeting, and I fear raising resentment in people who might not like that I'm at the meeting even though I don't identify as an alcoholic. This week and last I've had positive comments from others after the meeting, but the paranoid part of my mind figures that those who are displeased by my presence would never say anything to my face.

There will be a Marijuana Anonymous Step Study group starting up on Saturday afternoons beginning at the end of this month, and I'll be participating in that (although I'm not crazy about the 3:30 to 5:00 pm timeslot, as I'll occasionally have to miss other appealing Saturday afternoon opportunities).

I'm going through this weirdness this afternoon and tonight of being almost just as worried about getting this job as I am about not getting it. I know the hours would be very early (like, starting work at 6:00 am), and that I may get only ten or twenty hours a week, and that I may be just a contract employee. I need more hours, preferably fulltime or close to it, and I need to be a permanent employee with benefits. I'm reluctant to trade my freedom to do Wet Spot volunteering and my ability to attend the parties in exchange for just a few hours a week of work, and work without benefits, no less.

Blah.

Friday night I went out after my MA meeting to meet Loki at The Crest to see A Mighty Wind. It's been a while since I laughed that hard at the movies, and I needed it. After the movie we arranged to drive separately and meet at the Teahouse Kuan Yin in Wallingford, where we shared a large pot of herbal chai. After the teahouse closed at midnight, we sat outside for about two hours and talked and talked. We felt a bit like teenagers with nowhere else to go. Finally, I allowed Loki to come back to my house to pee and we hung out and talked until five in the morning, when I sent him home. I had been really nervous about having him over. My place is rather punk and disorderly, and I felt some shame about him seeing my lack of self-mastery at home, like it would destroy whatever Top mystique I'd built up thus far. A service-oriented and humiliation-friendly fellow, he's willing to help me with whatever I will allow and trust him to (or "force" him to), and I'm feeling more open to that now ~ accepting what he has to give, and taking what I need from him.

1:41pm: JOB PROSPECT
The job interview at the methadone clinic went really well this morning. If I'm hired, I'd be a urinalysis technician administering piss tests to recovering addicts. The interviewer was very impressed with my background in fundraising and development, and with my experience working at United Way of King County. The clinic happens to be a United Way partner agency, and the clinic doesn't have a development department of their own. I could almost see the wheels turning in the interviewer's head.

The next step is to call the clinic at 10 tomorrow morning to speak with a woman who wasn't available to interview me today but she is involved in the hiring process for this position. I have been instructed to be prepared to go in at 11 for further interviewing, or maybe even to start work.

The interviewer talked about starting me out as a contract employee, which secretly I'm not at all keen on. That would mean no benefits, and it would make doing my taxes a bit of a pain in the ass since there probably wouldn't be any withholding. If I'm made an offer, I may try to negotiate being a permanent employee from the start.

I'll keep you all posted. I need to work on a thank-you email to the fellow who interviewed me.

12:33am: SOBRIETY GOODNESS
Today, the 22nd, I have six months of continuous sobriety.

And today, at 11:00 am, I have a job interview.

Go, me.

7:27pm: NOT AT MY BEST
Blah. I'm sickly. Plugged ears, aches and pains, itchy nose, some sneezing. I've got some kind of head cold but it feels like the beginning of a sinus infection. I've had sinus infections, but not in recent years. So, I've just been lying low and practicing good self-care. I've been feeling this way for a while. It started in a mild way on Saturday.

Thursday night I Topped Loki at The Grind. I bent him over a tall bar chair and paddled him and whipped him with my Wolftail. Then I sat on the chair (on a clean towel, of course) and had him eat me out for a while, resting my boot-clad feet on his back and upper thighs and wherever I wanted to. I would have liked to play on a futon, but all of them were occupied, and it was late in the party.

Friday night I had my Marijuana Anonymous meeting to secretary, followed by the monthly business meeting. Then I went to Erotic City to staff as Rover and shadowed caraeileen on Cashier duties. There was no action there, as no one entered the party during the second shift. I'll need to shadow a more active party to get better practice. Cara was good about having me do the paperwork instead of just watching. I can't learn from just watching.

I might have stayed after the party ended to play with Teacake and another friend (yay, threesomes!), but I had already offered a ride home to someone, and so I took a raincheck on playing. There should be other opportunities. I've played with both of those people before, but separately.

Saturday morning was the Spot's 12-Step meeting. There were two new people there, which makes me glad.

Saturday night I staffed as a Monitor for another one who was not feeling well and sought a replacement shortly before the party. It was an early shift, so I was happy to grab it. After my shift I bottomed to my fire play friend while Loki watched, and after that, she and I Topped Loki together. It went really well. I was so high from playing, the Event Coordinator discouraged me from starting a new Topping scene. So I had Loki give me a full body rub on the gurney in the dungeon instead. It was yummy. I like the way he rubs. He gave me some good lickings, too.

Sunday afternoon I attended the beginning flogging workshop at the Spot, which was really useful, and took turns practicing with roxann_ireland.

More later, as I've got a Marijuana Anonymous meeting to go to. I was going to see a movie tonight, but I was running late for it, and I despise getting to movies late, and so I opted not to go at all.

I might go to The Grind later, just to combat my cabin fever.

2:59pm: OW! BACK PAIN
I've been having lower back pain and stiffness for over a week now. It seems that my private scene with Loki set off a sciatica flare-up, probably from kneeling and straddling him for longer than was good for me, fun as it was. I've been taking tylenol, which hasn't helped much. The pain's been bad enough that there was even a day last week when I took one of my Vicodin pills (left over from breaking my arm), and it hardly made a dent. It made me really nauseated, though, even though I took it with food, and a few hours later I ended up barfing.

Anyway, this pain is getting really old. There are chores and errands I need to do, but have been putting off due to being crippled. Hayseed's out of food today, so I'll have to go out this afternoon, if only for a run to Petco.

8:27pm: MISTRESS IS BACK!
I had a pretty good time at the club last night. I helped Robin and a bunch of other women give a birthday spanking to a relatively new boy member, and that was fun. I also spent a lot of time sitting on Loki's lap at his first Pan Party, and introduced him to folks.

Someone who dropped out of the scene for the better part of a year has dropped back in, and I was thrilled and surprised to see her. I managed to get on her dance card for a flogging, after she did another scene (caning my former switch, interestingly). This Domme is the first person I scened with at The Wet Spot, during my very first Pan Party in the spring of 2001, and she brought me to sub space that first night, a place I have not been before or since. She also is the only person who's brought me to orgasm during a scene. She is probably the most gifted woman flogger in our local scene, especially with doubles.

Last night she flogged me with her collection of floggers, and she also worked me over with some of my newer toys that I hadn't yet experienced on myself, at my request. The stimulation on my back was heavy but wasn't that hard to take, but the job she did on my butt left me screaming and jumping up and down to process the pain. I was at the St. Andrew's cross ~ if I'd been at the grid rack I'd have been seriously climbing the rack.

After that scene she had to leave the club, but Loki gave me some good cuddling and aftercare. Later on, I invited him into the back room where we stayed until closing time.

Here is the email I sent after my first time playing with the Domme I played with again last night:

Mistress [her scene name],

I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to play with you at The Wet Spot on May 26. That was my first Pansexual Play Party! I am a relatively new member.

I feel that I could learn a lot by playing again with you. That was actually the very first scene I have negotiated at The Wet Spot (all my prior experiences were private). It was also my very first flogging. I am so blessed to have lost my "flogging virginity" to you. You took me close to my limits and back.

So many new elements of play added to the intensity for me (elements that hadn't existed in any of my prior SM experiences), here's the short list: being flogged, playing publicly, being restrained to anything much less a rack, being blindfolded, being vertical for receiving stimulation, being topped by a female, reaching disorientation/bottom space, getting sexual stimulation during a scene, getting sexual stimulation and orgasm in front of strangers. All that stuff was new for me. You helped make me very comfortable about going into my bravest (to date) bottoming journey. Being extremely attracted to your dominant energy made me motivated to push my limits! Needless to say, the scene far exceeded my expectations.

Mistress, if it pleases you to play with me again sometime, I would be honored, and I would be open to receiving new stimulation from some of your other toys, without knowing exactly in advance, so long as they don't leave lasting marks or break my skin (light bruising is okay).

I love to watch you play with other people so I can't be disappointed if you're not available and/or interested. Your movements are fluid and graceful with your floggers; you play skillfully. The first time I beheld you I could sense that dominant energy all the way to the water cooler!

Thanks again for a memory I shall always cherish, and for helping open some truly beautiful doors for me. I shall be forever grateful for your generosity.

Amy

Well, off to the club again. I'm the late Monitor for the Bondage Party. I didn't do much today except going to West Seattle for the addicts-only Marijuana Anonymous meeting, which was a good one.

9:59pm: FIRE! FIRE! MOTO GUZZI!
It's been a really good couple of days.

Thursday night at The Grind I played with Loki again. First I locked him into the standing cage for a while. Then I restrained him to a rack for his first time (a grid rack) and beat on his butt and back for a while. Then I forced him to his knees to eat out my pussy while I stood on the lowest rungs of the rack, facing out. It was hot.

Friday night I had a good Marijuana Anonymous meeting. One of my addict friends who's rarely been to this particular meeting was there, and he graciously agreed to chair when I asked for a volunteer. He did a great job.

After the meeting I went to the Women's Party at the Spot and bottomed to fire play for the first time. It was awesome! I got pretty giggly. She also dripped wax on me (colored wax, and so it was extra hot) and she scraped off the hardened wax with a sharp knife. I'd never bottomed to wax or knives before, either (although I've Topped with wax once). She also dripped my soy candle on me, something I've used on Loki but hadn't yet tried for myself. It was an awesome scene, and I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to play with her.

This morning I woke up to a phone call from T-God asking if I'd be at The Wet Spot's 12-Step meeting, and did I want to go for a motorcycle ride with him after the meeting? Well, yes, of course (on both counts)! So I packed my riding gear and brought it with me.

The meeting was small, just four of us, but it was excellent, and there was some really high quality sharing. Turns out that out of all the people there I had the most clean time, twice as much time as the runner-up. Freaky.

After the meeting T-God had to run an errand, and I stocked the Spot's fridge with soda pop for tonight's party, just to fill the time productively until he returned.

When he got back, we took a ride up to Kenmore to meet his sponsor and check in with him. T-God's errand had been breaking up with an actively using alcoholic girlfriend of his and he needed the extra support. After that we took a long, long ride in the areas of Woodinville, Duvall, Tolt, Fall City and more. We put on over 120 miles today.

T-God has a really cool bike. It's a Moto Guzzi with 1000 cc's. I've never been on such a powerful and comfortable bike before. It's the same bike Italian motorcycle police ride. It'd been over eighteen months since I'd been for a ride, so it was damn nice to be out motoring on a hot clear day.

At one point, on a nice open stretch of country road, we hit over 100 mph. Wheeeeee! Previous to today, I'd only been as fast as 80 mph on a motorcycle. What a rush!

We stopped for a late lunch (or early dinner), then did some more country road driving, then he took me back to the Spot. We met miraclemax in the parking lot; he was there to be present for new member orientation.

I came back home and took a short nap. Loki called to firm up our plans for meeting tonight (his first Pan Party). Then I got a call from my former switch. I think he might have been fishing for a play date. At this point my dance card is pretty full!

Max indicated earlier today that his play date for tonight fell through; it'd be cool to play with him, if he's game, and if Loki doesn't mind.

Anyway, time to put on some clothes and go.

7:45pm: LOKI
Two weeks ago at The Grind, miraclemax introduced me to a brand new Wet Spot member, Loki. I was in a Topping mood that night and we promptly negotiated a scene, which was his first public scene, and his first scene involving intense stimulation (brave fellow). I did terrible things to him while he lay face-down on a gurney. It went pretty well, especially considering all the new elements for him. We met up the following Wednesday evening at the drop-in at the club, and got better acquainted with each other, and I also introduced him to a few friends, including riverheart and charlesks. The next night I attended metkat and djartemis's lovely handfasting and left before the end of the post-ceremony festivities because I had a play date with Loki, and also because I wanted to check out Soul Night, an aberrant musical format replacing The Grind for just that one night. I Topped Loki again, this time restraining him to a spanking bench. On Sunday we met for tea at the Teahouse Kuan Yin in Wallingford, and we took a walk up to the Seattle Tilth demonstration gardens. After that we played privately, and that went quite nicely.

Interestingly, we were both born in Chicago but have been out here for many years, we both were raised in the Unitarian Universalist faith, we both had alternative educations, and we happen to know a bunch of people in common.

So far I am enjoying the mutual unfolding.

3:30pm: DOGS GALORE!
Early this afternoon I spent over an hour at the Ballard Farmers' Market looking for some friends of mine from Portland who said they'd meet me there. I never found my friends, but I had a good time wandering around and looking at everything. There were lots of organic fruits and vegetables, and flower vendors, and handcrafted stuff.

I saw a lot of dogs at the market and got to meet and greet a few of them. One was a pug puppy, six months old, and I gave him a good rubbing. I sure do love them puppies!

I'm nuts about dogs, and I wish I had one. Sometimes I visit the parks in and around Seattle where dogs are permitted to go off-leash (in designated areas). I get to see a lot of cool dogs that way, and some of them even come up to me with toys they want me to throw for them, or just to say hi. Once I was at a park getting my fix of dog action, and another person and I started talking about his dog. Then he asked me which dog was mine. I laughed and said "None of them!"

I guess my going to the dog parks to watch dogs running around isn't too unlike pedophiles who go to playgrounds to watch children play.

3:39am: DON'T BRING A PADDLE TO A GUNFIGHT
Before my Monitor shift tonight I bought a couple of new handcrafted paddles from a friend of mine.

One paddle is made of maple and is small but thick, and the other is much larger but is the same thickness as the other and is made of walnut.

Now I just need to inaugerate them.