[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Frank's LiveJournal:
| Sunday, January 19th, 2003 | |||
| 2:14 pm | Survey Interesting Poached From Kaldanthrom... 01. I hurt: when I'm never needed somewhere. 02. I love: my true family & friends 03. I hate: liars. 04. I cry: when its right. 05. I fear: faltering, selfishness. 06. I hope: to see Rome. 07. I sadden: at poverty or when I see dreams crumble. 08. I feel alone: in my beliefs. 09. I kill: if I must. 10. I talk: often. 11. I listen: not always with my ears. 12. I break: thier shallow walls. 13. I see: other's needs. 14. I smell: the season and it's memories. 15. I taste: the rain every chance I get. 16. I work: to silence my conscience. 17. I remember: my heros and honor thier memory each day. 18. I hold: great anger and frustraition. 19. I hide: fear and resentment. 20. I do: what I can. 21. I walk: alone at night, to think. 22. I drive: when I have too. 23. I read: to gain knowledge, to learn how other's think. 24. I burn: away my sins. 25. I breathe: best on a windy day, easier amoung friends. 26. I play: games, live stories. 27. I miss: the point of most people's lives. 28. I touch: nature. 29. I learn: what I can. 30. I feel: my environment. 31. I know: the truth. 32. I said: I never lie. 33. I dream: in metaphor. 34. I have: needs. 35. I want: to achieve my dream. 36. I fall: and get right back up again. 37. I wait: for others to follow. 38. I need: to do my best. 39. I live: as long as I wish. 40. I wonder: how will I be recieved? Current Mood:  contemplative | ||
| Saturday, January 18th, 2003 | |||
| 10:37 pm | The Perfect World It's early Sunday morning and the sunlight that shown through the window lays in bright stripes across the bed. The room is set ablaze in a golden hue of color. I rise early, pealing back the feather comforter and wool blankets taking great care not to disturb my wife's well-deserved sleep. In the bathroom I wash my hands & face with a hot towel simple lie soap, then shave with a brushed cream and straight razor. If I'm feeling especially chipper I just might turn on the radio to catch the morning news, the weather forcast, or perhaps a little light music. I'd dress in a good pair of jeans or heavy slacks, put on a decently matching collared shirt with buttons, slip on my suspenders (as it is a weekend, no belt today), and slip my knife into my pocket. Refreshed & dressed, I'd head immediately to the kitchen and start a pot of good medium coffee; by then the dog would have followed me out. I'd quietly bring out the pots 'n pans, bowls, and utensils while the smell of fresh java fills the air. About this time I'd start a pot of boiling water for tea as well, as I am the only on in the household that drinks coffee anyway. I'd warm a pan, crack a few eggs, chop some fresh vegitables, and cut some bacon or ham. Omelets or fried eggs, depending on thier pleasure. While the eggs where cooking I'd take out the homemade bread, hard wheat for me, soft white the wife & kids, and cut a few thick slices for toast. Toast toasting and eggs frying, I'd put the milk, butter, and honey on the table, then fill a few disfusers with Orange Pecote or Earl Grey, depending what they like. Orange juice would be in the fridge, though they'd have to get that themselves. Then I'd head back into the bedroom, undoubtedly with the smell of breakfast trailing behind me. I'd walk around the bed and gently wake my wife with a sweet kiss and a "goodmorning". Then while she was getting ready I'd go wake the kids, same way I always do by yelling just outside their room. The ensuing noise and engery usually stirrs 'em up quite nicely. By the time I'm back in the kitchen the eggs'll need fliping, the toast has popped up, and the coffee has settled just right. Filling four cups with their respective drinks, I watch the family emmerge, the children still in thier pajamas. Everyone will settle into their wooden chairs noisily while I start fixing plates and serving. Once I join then everyone begins eating. The meal will take longer than eating the food will as we discuss whats going on today and what the week's plans will be if any. I'll make a point of picking up the newspaper, reading the headlines, tossing out the sports section, and passing the kids the comics. When breakfast has ended, the children will probably excuse themselves first to get dressed. The wife and I will use that chance to talk about any household matters that might need to be addressed. Dishes would be done by someone else, as I cooked afterall. Most likely by the kids as part of earning thier allowance, but no gaurentees there. Somehow they'll get done, maybe not that day & who cares-- it's Sunday anyway: No work, no school. The kids will probably go to a friend's house, me I'll head into the den to read a bit. The wife might follow to check her email, post on livejournal, websurf, or read alongside me. I'd make a point of keeping her close, even though we're not reading the same book. The den is a very comfortable and masculine place, it's study full of books, a computer, and plenty of dark hardwood furnature. We'd be sitting on a leather sofa together, or perhaps I'm in my leather chair benieth my reading lamp. It's dark in this room & the shades are always drawn, it's for mood more than anything else. The den also serves as the smoking room with a bar well stocked with scotch, wiskey, and rums, a place where visitors can enjoy the hospitality of gentlemen. The rest of the household doesn't lack a woman's touch and feels quite cozy, though not at all cluttered. You'll find that though each room seems to have a theme they flow effortlessly into one another. Its as if you're swept from one room to the next as you walk through. We may not have everything, but what we do have will be nice. Our lifestyle will be one of quality, not of quantity. Come lunchtime we'll make fresh sandwhiches with glass-bottled soda and weather providing eat out on the front poarch in the shade. There we'll sit at the small table watching the children play down the street, with peanut butter & jelly sandwhichs, cookies, and fruit juice waiting for them on the tray on the top step. Sooner or later the kids will realize they're hungry and stop by to grab thier lunch during ours. Usually the sight of us on the front poarch (or my wife waving from the doorway) heralds lunchtime and they come running. After a brief period of chatter they'll disappear across the street into our nieghbor's care yet again. That afternoon the children will come home, usually with thier friends. We're always expected to supply snacks, let them play in the yard, and on a rainy day let them watch a movie, play video games, and be indoors. I'll sit in the family room with the dog and supervise, though the whole gang is usually pretty well-behaved (at least in our presence). We'd spend the afternoon together-all of us, sometimes with the kids play not-to-far from eyesight. Occasionally I'd steal away to the kitchen to start on dinner. That evening thier friends would head home for supper. Ours would stay behind to wash up and eat with us. Dinner would be at 7:00pm. We'd enjoy a small feast, something a bit more elaborate than weekdays, spending the time eating and talking until we're full and tired. The dishes of course would be done by someone other than the cook, fated to join the lunch dishes from earlier. About this time I'd look out the window to see how the nieghbors are doing. Since we're such good friends on this night we usually take turns entertaining eachohter. Tonight we're entertaining them, so we watch for their poarchlight. When thier light is on that means they're kids are cleaned up and the adults ready to go, our poarchlight goes on then we're ready to recieve them. They'd come over, children in tow, we'd play cards, role-play, or hold a discussion in the living room. The kids would play in the family room. Later in the evening, the women would talk in the kicthen and us men would enjoy a few fingers of scotch and a pipe or two. When the time came we'd say our goodbyes and they'd return home to put their children to bed. We'd clean up while ours were getting ready for bed. Together my wife & I would say g'night to our children. Then we'd go to bed ourselves, of course we might not sleep right away... we might just read a bit or catch the Tonight Show. ;) Current Mood:  calm | ||
| Friday, January 17th, 2003 | |||
| 9:42 pm | My results...
| ||
| Wednesday, January 15th, 2003 | |||
| 11:30 pm | I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I got a job! It's not the best, but it's something. It just might provide for an apartment too, as I so desperately need it too. I have faith that as long as I don't falter in my parth I'll fair well. Gods' willing. Current Mood: optimistic | ||
| Tuesday, January 14th, 2003 | |||
| 2:21 pm | The Countdown I'm still doing what I'm doing, working hard to find a job and a place to live. That's about it. I've made a decision, it'll be known to all in the fullness of time. | ||
| Monday, January 13th, 2003 | |||
| 2:35 am | My Phobias Here are my pobias, look 'em up here: http://www.phobialist.com/ Some are very strong, others are quite weak or "slight cases", knowing me can you guess which are which? Anthropophobia Acrophobia Arachnophobia Ataxophobica Nucleomituphobia Necrophobia Ochlophobia Pathophobia Pediophobia Pupaphobia ... and there is one that's not on here! What is it? | ||
| 1:33 am | The Price of Honor Isn't that a book title? Anyways, here's the icing on the cake folks. I live in my father's home, my mother owns 1/2. She want's me out of her half, thus I've been effectively evicted out of spite. I've got to be out by the end of the week, it doesn't matter where I go-- I just can't be here. So now most of my friends have left me, my family left me, I'm broke, jobless, and soon to be homeless. *sigh* Life is grand! | ||
| 1:28 am | Double Standard? "I'm confused about how you treat your mother vs. how you treat Sunny." ________________________________________ There is no comparison here, allow me to explain: My mother insulted me. Out of anger and spite she said exactly what she needed to in order to 1.) anger me and 2.) insult my honor. The first is entirely forgivable, the second is not without considerable appology. Sunny has yet to insult me. Though some people may see her decisions as an insult, they weren't. As a free-thinking young woman she has the right to make decisions for herself. The reality is that even in a relationship sometimes people make decisions you don't expect- that's by far not an unforgivable act. If Sunny sought to insult my personal honor (like lying to me for example, i.e. telling me I'm not worth the truth) then we'd have a problem. So you see, yes I can treat my mother that way- she chose this treatment. I didn't decide to be angry at her, I didn't wake up and say to myself "Yeah, today I think I'll never speak to my mother again". She knew the rules, she's known them since I was a child. What she did she did intentionally and she knew the price. Sunny's parents, though they're the cause of most of my problems I doubt they're aware of it-- my mother, she know's and that night she chose to side with them. Thus I was both insulted and willingly betrayed. If she chooses to appologize and admit she was wrong, then we'll talk. If she doesn't want to treat me as a human being, I'll live as one without her. Honor is not negotiable. Current Mood: indifferent | ||
| 1:13 am | Honor Honor, what is it? In order to express an opinion or the case of this short response: a subjective fact, one must first provide a definition as a source of common reference. Therefore, below I provide for you the partial definition of the word “Honor”, taken verbatim from the current edition of The New Webster’s Dictionary of the English Language: “Honor ...high public esteem, credit, fame, or glory; as, a roll of honor; an exemplary sense of personal moral standards and conduct; as, a man of honor; high respect, as for worth or rank; such respect manifested; as, to be received with honor; a source or cause of credit of distinction; as, to be an honor to one’s family...” [friends, associates, etc.] The above definition is by all means correct and proper, however an individual’s personal “sense of honor” may be slightly different; not contradictory, but merely more or less defined and/or specific in accordance with his or her personal moral, ethical, and religious beliefs. A “Code of Honor” is a systemized collection of standardized moral laws, rules by which an honorable man or woman must live in order for him or her to be viewed as “honorable” (See above definition.). Codes of Honor are born of societies, orders, and associations of all kinds-- each with their own specific moral necessities and ethical stances on matters of virtue and morality. For example: A European knight had an entirely different code of honor than that of his eastern counterpart the Samurai; both swore their lives and loyalty to a monarch, but their moral methodologies were distinctly different in philosophy and approach, but despite their differences both were honorable. Two different societies, two different examples of honorable stations, two distinct codes of honor, both honorable; both true to their personal beliefs: their adapted Code of Honor. That which should be honored is entirely subjective, I must admit. An excellent example of this is the attack on Pearl Harbor on Dec. 7th, 1941: Most Americans view the act of attack without warning as dishonorable (i.e. without honor), because it’s only right to formally declare war on the enemy first, to allow you opposition to prepare; to provide for a fair fight - as per the rules to war established in the Geneva Convention, rules based on the commonly known and ancient European rules of honorable combat. This event in American History is still regarded as a tragedy to this very day. To serve your monarch and the glorious Empire of Japan, your home is also an honorable deed. Since the Emperor is divine, he is above reproach, and therefore his orders are yours to carry out without question. Your honor is gained through swift and willful dedication and service to your god and country. If you died in service to you emperor, whether or not your deeds where evil, you found paradise; you acted with honor. Throughout the Second World War and up until the collapse of Japan’s Traditional Eastern culture the events are Pearl Harbor were regarded as a great and glorious victory for land of the rising sun. It was only after their surrender when Western Culture (and thus our culture’s sense of morality) became absorbed into Japanese culture did Pearl Harbor come to tarnish Japan’s history. This is just one of countless many I could site, but they would serve no more purpose than the above already have: Honor, and one’s right to honorable repute is entirely dependant on his or her culture, religion, and customs. Unfortunately in today’s world honor is a concept often regarded as both an anachronistic philosophy and a sign of weakness. Morality is no longer a matter of the heart, it’s a matter of society. Morality is not always paramount in one’s life, or so that’s what modern man show us by his actions. Honor is not an excuse, honor is not a weakness, honor is not a product of guilt or ego, honor is a personal choice, it’s an individual sense of Right. There are those people in today’s world who haven’t cast aside banner of honor, those of us who choose to be strong enough to whether hardship, suffer ridicule, and often be left to misfortune rather than act dishonorably. For us, honor is part of that which defines man above all other creatures, it is what makes us the noble beast. Honor is our source of virtue and its this unconscious concept that is the very basis for all other moralisms. For those who know, understand, and live with honor. Right and Wrong is as distinct as the colors black and white, and thus life is simplified. Not easier, but it’s direction is reveiled, the path is illuminated. In my lifetime I have done a lot that to some, especially those with a “realistic” “Might is Right” attitude find foolish and overly idealistic. I’ve been called a martyr, a self-martyr, and an egotist. I’ve been told I do it for the attention, and each time I take it and I laugh. Why? Because if it was really attention I was after, if it were merely for the fame, would I really seek honor? Not in today’s world. Honor has no value to those who don’t know it. Rather, I’d seek to gain by whatever means I could, to take rather than give, to be served rather than serve, this is what gains one an implication of worth and value in today’s society. No, in today’s world it’s all about material gain and societal progress. In this world a man is not judged by his deeds, by his word, by his heart-- by honor. Except rather by his pocket book, his car, his job, his pension- that is the measure of a successful man. A man who in my opinion may have great things, but may not be a great man. Money is good to have. Its a necessity in today’s world, no one doubts that, but when your judged by it... That’s when it becomes an evil- especially when people will do anything for it. A good man may not get far in life, but I share with you that it’s not this life he need be concerned with. Ego? Ego: “... the individual’s mental states and sensual experiences, as know through direct introspection; that part of the psyche that is conscious, experiencing, and reacting to the outside world, and thus acting as a mediator between the id’s conscious primitive impulses and society’s expectations...” Yes, traditionally Honor is ego-based. However in the context that most who seek to debate with or ridicule me they paint me as an egotist. Egotism: “Vanity; self-esteem; self-concept; having regarding the self as the center of all things, esp. in relation to the world; involve with one’s own concerns; self centered, one who is egotistic...” I suggest first that one see the aforementioned definition of Honor. Though Honor is ego-based, as it does define an honorable person’s sense of personal value and code of conduct. It does not allow for selfishness; honor often, in fact calls for one to be selfless in act. To suggest that I act in an egotistic, i.e. selfish manner is suggesting that I am acting in a dishonorable fashion-- that is a personal offense. As a note. honesty is also a cherished virtue (and one I oft share with the majority of my friends and family) and so I allow others the chance to further explain in detail their opinion before I begin to take that offense-- so that if I must, I can do so righteously. Every individual’s personal sense of honor may be different, but if he or she chooses to adopt a Code or take an Oath, they too become parts of their personal honor. Therefore though I may have a different sense of personal honor compared to someone else, we can both share the same code and therefore an unspoken bond between us is formed. I, Frank Coleman prescribe to Honor I have chosen to act in an honorable fashion for the rest of my days here on earth. I have a code of honor, that code has been adopted from several different sources-- all of which meet my personal (inborn/unconscious/innate) sense of Right & Wrong; these are complied from the tenants of my religion and the organizations I’ve been raised in and belong too. As an Asátrúar I hold close the ideas of Frith & Troth, my relationships in the world of men and my personal relationship with my Gods. I also hold myself close to the Nine Charges and the teachings found in the poetic Edda called the Hávamál. I’m also pledged to embody the Nine Nobel Virtues, which are considered the most ancient and therefore primary moral statutes: Courage, Fidelity, Industriousness, Discipline, Self-reliance, Honor, Hospitality, Perseverance, and Truth. As a Goði I have an Oath of Troth and the Code of Goðar to mind at all times. I know I must serve the faithful and act in wisdom lest I abandon Oðinn’s teachings. As an Eagle Scout I am tied to the Eagle Charge, The Scout Oath and the twelve points of Boy Scout Law: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent. I must live the scouting motto and act in accordance to my high rank, for its something one wears on their mind and heart, not their uniform. All these oaths were mine to bear willingly, and willingly I took them. To this very day still take them to heart and live by them daily. It is my belief that the way you live your life is a form of prayer, thus I will seek the ideal at all times to be worthy of my gods’ favor. Now for the central question and reason for this response: Can one judge another’s actions as dishonorable? The answer is yes, but only if he or she shares an oath with the person being judged. A fellow scout can come to me with his concerns, another member of the folk can speak to me about my actions when they concern family, kin, and nation. etc. Don’t ever misunderstand me: A friend’s opinion is always welcomed & valued, but I will always remember it’s an objective point of view and compared to a brother or sister in oath who understands the situation more-fully it carries little weight . Objectivity has no place in matters of personal honor. Honor is entirely subjective, thus the reason I make the above statement because just as a dictionary definition offers a common reference so too does a shared Code of Honor. I have lost a lot due to my dedication, Many people have left my life because they don’t understand, I’ve lost family who don’t know the importance of Right, Friends who can‘t respect someone who starves rather than eat on a dishonest dollar, Jobs after being accused of stealing, I’ve failed classes rather than cheat, I’ve been late in order to help someone in need, I’ve lost a lot due to my dedication, and I’ll keep loosing if that’s what it takes. So who are you to judge me? I never sought to judge you, for I am not a God. Nor am I a terribly “successful” man right now. I have little money, but know this: I am rich, for I can pay the price of Right & Wrong each day without worry. Now that you understand are you going to be like the others and leave my life due to your frustraition with my situation? Are you willing to allow that to happen? Will you choose to be part of that price? The choice my mother made was a very particular one. She chose to insult my honor. Why? Because honor is deed-based. To use a deed-based fact that I can change: i.e. "Your fat", "your unemployed", "your broke"-- these are all things that I am empowered to change. "You can't even win the respect of your girlfriend's family" is something I have absolutely no control over. They are the only ones who can change that fact, therefore it was a direct insult- especially since it's poking fun at my current situation. It's like saying to a wheelchair bound man "Look at you. You can't even walk!". Now you may argue with me-- that's fine. However don't you dare judge me. “All undone is no one, though at death’s door he may lie: some with good sons are blessed, and some with kinsmen, or coffers full, and some with deeds well done.” -Hávamál 69 Current Mood:  annoyed | ||
| Tuesday, January 7th, 2003 | |||
| 11:23 pm | Sunny & I talked and we're ok... So Sunny & I talked, we made ammends, not that we were ever fighting. I appologized for lashing out at her, she understood. We're perfectly fine, though obviously other people aren't with me. Some of my friends are roaring over this, from what I gathered they were hoping for a different outcome. *sigh* I, personally am glad it didn't turn out any worse than me bein' an ass. I'd hate to have all-out let loose on her, that wouldn't of been good. | ||
| 9:11 pm | A Long Story made Short... Sunny wasn't scheduled for work today and the original plan was for me to drive to Bay City & hang out with her up there. Unfortunetly I forgot that while her parents are home I'm not welcome there, so instead arrangements had to be made to meet her somewhere else. Before we could make those arrangements she was committed, by her mother, to various errands that ate up the majority of the afternoon. -- So plans had to be changed yet again. Eventually we had ironed out something that would at least allow us to see eachother: My parents & I would leave for Bay City to go shopping & we'd stop by and pick her up at home along the way. That way we could see eachother, they could go shopping, I could pick up some applications while we were there, and we could all go out to dinner together. Everything worked out well. Though we ate at the warmest, most humid, and dirty little Chineese restaurant I've ever been too. After returning Sunny to her home, her parents greeted her at the driveway, my parents not thinking politely just drove off. Then suddenly stopped half way down the block realizing that this was finally thier chance to say hello. I had made mention of this before we dropped her off, but they paid no attention to my advice. (as usual) As they argued about it, then finally decided to drive off without backing up I said "Great, now we kinda look like we drove off, noticed them, and decided we didn't want to deal with them". (Not that I was at all hurt about it.) That's when they started to get into my shit... "What the hell do you know?", "Since when did you give a shit", blah, blah, blah... more things got said, then an arugement ensued. An arguement that they were loosing, and so naturally to defend themselves they quickly sunk to insults like: "unemployed", "not in school", "don't have an apartment", "worthless bum", etc. I was prepared for this, then I hear: "Look at you, you can't even visit you own girlfriend." I paused, waited. "You can't even win her parents respect." At that moment every ounce of frustraition over my situation & the events that caused it, boiled out of my hot little brain rushed out in a torrent of anger and strength! I punched the headrest as hard as I could and spat words of haterd-- "That's it, the last time we speak. You have the nerve to insult me in such a way! Gods! You've just ended our relationship!" ... and that was it. With a handful of careless words my mother choose to leave my life. "With his friend [or family] a man should be friends ever, with him and the friend of his friend; but foeman's friend befriend thou never," The Sayings of Har (Havamal 43) My mother had sided with Sunny's folks, they who've made themselves my foes. I will never speak to her again unless he offers me her sincerest appology. My hands are tied otherwise, it's a matter of honor. If she doesn't right this wrong she's done to me she'll die before I'll speak to her again. It's the only right thing to do, for the sake of honor. It's all I've got and no one can take that from me. I'd rather die before I loose that. "All undone is no one though at death's door he may lie: some with good sons are blessed, and some with kinsmen, or with coffers full, and some with deeds well done." The Sayings of Har (Havamal 69) Worse still when I return home I call Sunny to speak with her. I retell the events that took place just mintues beforehand in the car ride home. Then I say "You know, this is costing me alot. I'm out of money, friends, what future I had planned and now I'm running out of family. This better be worth it." there was a timid quiet over the phone. The fire in me just grew & grew at the silence, sometimes her weakness makes the animal in me scream with frustriation. "You better not disappear on me after all this shit." I can't believe I said that! I feel like such an asshole. I mean honestly, my defenses were down so I wasn't thinking diplomatically, but still... Ouch. I know I hurt her. I have no right to throw that in her face like that. I think I've damaged our relationship, I fear that if things keep going this way I may end up ruining it. I can't treat her like this is all her fault, even if it might be indirectly. Now she's asked me to "Please stop writing about my parents on livejournal. It makes me defensive." So this is it, the last time. My last outlet about my shitty & unfair situation, gone. I pray this works out well, because I'm running out of things to give away and then what happens? Current Mood: Pissed off beyond belief! | ||
| 12:48 pm | MDA Nazis Yeah, so the temp service I signed up with found me a job with the Muscular Distrophy Association as a "Volunteer Representative Coordinator" or VRC, a fancy title for telemarketer. So I go all the way out to Saginaw to interview for this job, find out what it's all about, and then decide I don't want it. *sigh* Now wait, before you repeat my own words: "Hey, at least it's a job". Allow me the chance to bitch about it in detail. I'm brought to a bank of phones, all of which are normal telephones (no headsets), with black boxes attached to the back. These are *67 boxes (so people can't call us back) and they also act as timers. If we don't pick up the reciever within 30 sec between calls an alarm goes off! Then a light over our heads lights up and our supervisor comes to see what's wrong... *sigh* You've gotta have at least 14 people sign up per day, no matter how many calls you make, or your fired. It's that simple. So this boiler room job's security is really dependant on other people. People- I might add- that I call at home during dinner or in the middle of something to solicit donations from. Yeah. Fuck that. I applied all over town that afternoon and then politely informed Kelly Services (my temp angency) to take their job & shove it. :) .. but to keep me on their list for different opening somewhere else. Hopefully I'll get this job for "Residential Caregiver", it's a LPN. They'll send me for a little schooling at the local community college & everything! That way I'd be state certified. That means I'll have something to fall back on. This way I could always find work at a hospital or retirement home as a backup. Well, we'll see... Current Mood: determined Current Music: None | ||
| Saturday, January 4th, 2003 | |||
| 6:21 pm | A typical Day of Job Hunting... Its early morning, 6:45AM EST. The overnight snow has settled peacefully across every surface, planning my untimely death. I swear each flake smiles sadistically as it clings to it's consorts in the morning twilight. Already the salt trucks have been out in full force ensuring that I'll meet a road full of half-frozen, slippery slush no matter where I drive... Blissfully unaware, I sleep soudly in horribly underused nice warm bed. Suddenly I'm ripped from a dead sleep by the brain-boiling screech of white noise broadcast over my untuned alarmclock radio. Which somehow though checked each night manages to untune itself by morning! Reflexively I slap OFF and press the large green "WEATHER" button. A sharp bar of red light informs my unfocused eyes I've hit my mark. The computerized voice repeats the posted text from the NOAA Weather station nearby. I listen intently as I pull a pillow over my head, groaning. By the time Steven Hawkings is finished informing me of the weather forcast I'm conscious enough to actually get out of bed. It's 7:00AM sharp, I stumble to the bathroom. It's obvious what happens next. After spending upwards of five minutes focusing almost entirely on trying to stay upright; I waddle to kitchen, hop over the dog gate, fail miserably- the ensuing crash wakes the dogs, and then I herd them outside. A great deal of cognitive effort is used dodging the three brown bodies that shuffle around my feet on the way to the back door. I let the dashounds out, the frozen winter air rushes around my legs and craws up my spine. If not before, I'm awake then, and also by then the dog's have relieved themselves in the snow. I let them in and dance quickly into the kitchen to be greeted by warmth. Three dog cookies are tossed onto the floor, the third and last I break up for the toothless dog. Then the coffee is made. This is seemingly an easy task, at least to anyone with detexerity. I always manage to get grounds all over me, the floor, or in the filter pan... I fill the machine, flip the switch, and go into the bathroom to groom myself. There I brush my hair mercilessly, ripping half of it out, and then adding a dime sized bit of banana-smelling glop they call "styling gel". I hate this shit, but at least I don't end up with muppet hair half way through the day. Next I brush my teeth. Mmmm... baking soda & peroxide. Love that clean, minty, "just ate a box of sand" feeling. Next, the Gods-sent deodorant. Not because I like it mind you, but rather I used it for the sake of all humanity. I check my face, as usual I need to shave, and do so... then spend 20 mins botting up the blood. It's hard to do anything half-asleep. Now clean, refreshed, and presentable I return to my bedroom to dress. There I choose from one of the dozen identical Wal-mart button up flannels I own, throw on a pair of jeans, socks, a necklace, rings, and I'm good to go. Dressed O.K. I walk out into the kitchen again, greeted by a sea of rambunxious weiner dog activity, I shuffle through to the coffee maker. Alas, no coffee. I forgot, as usual, to plug it in... and so I do. Then proceed to pack my lunch in a simple brown bag, just about the time I finish the coffee is ready and fill my thermos. (Making sure not to screw the lid on too tight or it'll swell with heat, sealing it shut all day and depriving me of my much-needed sitmulant. This has happend to me on more than one occasion.) There on the table is my file folder. It's full of filled-out applications and "To Do" lists. Today as planned should be a very productive day. I slip on my shoes, throw on my coat and head out the door.... Only to remember I left my cell phones in the house. Dogs barking up a storm, I open the door with my keys (waking everyone else up) and bound into my room & grab my phones. Not of course, without falling over the dog gate yet again. Now fully outfitted, paperwork in hand, I go to my red coffin. A 1987 Chevy Cavalier miniwagon, basically a sled with four rutters in Michigan. *sigh* So then I shovel it out, brush it off, then start the car. Now I'm off! It's 7:45AM and I'm on the road to Saginaw. The drive is nerve racking as ever, unforuntely as usual. A car without heat or working windsheild wipers offers an interesting challange. Until the engine heats up to allow the use of vents, one must drive with the windows down to avoid fogging up the windsheild. Once I hit I-75 the vent comes on and the windows get rolled up, the sweet smell of warm exhaust fills my car, and I drive higher than a kite to The Red Eye Cafe- my base of operations. 9:00AM, the Red Eye isn't open yet. On weekdays it opens at 10:00AM. So I enjoy a cup or two of much-craved caffiene; Which I promptly spill all over my spotless jeans and dashboard. *sigh* While mopping up the mess with old service papers, I turn on National Public Radio and listen to the news. Then if I have it I read the newspaper (minus the sports section). 10:00AM, the Red Eye is open. I walk in, order a cheap cup of joe, and spread my paperwork out. I spend a good half-hour planning a safe & landmark-dependant route through Saginaw in order to drop off my complete applications. I check & double check my list to be sure to hit everything in on trip with as little doubling back as possible. (Gas is always an issue when you're broke.) Then, draining my by then cold cup of coffee, I hit the road for Round 1. (ding! ding!) ... and so I slide around in my stationwagon, dropping off applications, doing "on-the-spot" interviews where I can, and arriving back at The Red Eye by noonish or early afternoon. Usually around 12:45PM. Car still idoling, I unpack my lunch and eat whatever my stirred up stomach will allow. Often a plain, simple, and very bland natural peanut butter sandwhich is welcome. I suck down the last of my coffee, slip into the Red Eye to use their restroom, and hit the road yet again. I can't say enough how much I hate driving, especially in the winter, let alone to new places! Round 2. (ding! ding!) I hit new places, collect applications, watch for "Help Wanted" signs and get gas if needed. Hopefully on my route I'll catch a "For Rent" here and there, the numbers of which quickly disappear into my address book. Every place I pass, every business I walk into, could be my savoir. After about 3:00PM, or when the gas is nearing the 1/2 a quarter tank point, I return to The Red Eye. There I'll fill out the day's applications, rewrite & edit old lists, draft the "To Do" list for the following day, and then wait patiently for Sunny to arrive after work. That's the highlight of my day. All of this is done on a budget of $2.00 a day, minus the food & newspaper I enjoy from home. Not so bad if I do say so myself, expecially when it's all I can afford right now. It's what I do each day when I can. It's exhausting work, but my daily persistance, tested nerves, and the little bruises just might pay off... Good News! I went through a temp service, and now I have a job interview this Monday. If things go well I might end up working for the Muscular Distrophy Association. Cross your fingers, please! It's just a telemarking gig, but hey at least it's a job! Call it a stepping stone, call it hope, call it anything... but pray they call me back!!! Current Mood: hopeful | ||
| Wednesday, January 1st, 2003 | |||
| 2:05 am | Happy New Year Well this New Year's Eve was nothing like the two year's previous, but it wasn't the worst to say the least. I had resolved myself earlier to spend it alone, without Sunny. (as Sunny's mother would be home alone otherwise) ... but at least my friend's Adrian & Nichole stopped by to watch the ball drop with me. :) So it ain't that bad. Half my friends called mid-party to wish me a "huppy neu yearz". *L Ah, some things'll never change. I posted my six resolutions on my egroup, FNN. They can be easily summed up as: 1. Get into shape, 2. Get a job, 3. Go to school, 4. Simplify my life, 5. Run a D&D; game, and 6. Write real letters to people. Ta-da nothing too big, but if done I'll feel 150% better about myself! :) Tomorrow, or today I should say, THIS YEAR 2003- I'll see Sunny for the first time! I can't wait, I really missed her tonight. Current Mood: hopefulCurrent Music: That New Year's song that plays at midnight | ||
| Monday, December 30th, 2002 | |||
| 11:49 pm | Ahhh, the Holidays... So with the hustle & bustle of the holiday season I've pleasantly slipped through the cracks and out of sight of my everyday troubles. Despite the fact that no one seems to mind, I'm still painfully aware of my situation. Soon though, unfortunetly, the season will no longer be an excuse for running at a leasurely pace in "2nd Gear" and I'll have to return to the desperate search for a job & an apartment. I spent a very refreshingly relaxing night with my good friends Matt & Lori Demsey. Two people I've known for years through various role-playing circles and the Society for Creative Anarchronism. I played a well overdue game of Dungeons & Dragons 2nd Ed. Adv. and crawled through the halls of Undermountin with a party of hearty, well seasoned adventurers. It's was beautiful and a sight I've longed for... I arrived at their Bay City apartment late that Saturday afternoon to find myself in the traditional "gaming household". (A rare, but unmistakable environment once you've lived in one.) As I set my dice bag on the table and slid my yellow backpack off my shoulder to the floor they appeared; Like cats to the sound of the can opener so too did humanoid shapes seperate themselves from the room around me. A pile of blankets on the couch stirred, the door infront of me swung open, I suddenly heard footsteeps behind me, someone knocked on the front door, a toilet flushed, the basement door opened, and in one moment the empty apartment came alive with gamers. People dressed, half-dressed, in bathrobes, and dirty clothes, staring at me, with hair wild & uncombed. The small commune froze and examinded me, I felt their eyes calculate my stats, and then there was an explosion of movement. Before I could greet them all they had gathered about the coffee table, looking over the map, placing thier minatures, and character sheets in hand. I heard the familiar sound of dice rolling, pencils scratching, calculators clicking, and bags of chips and other snack foods being situated about. A thick blanket of sweet smelling pipe smoke slid into the room, followed by our host, the Dungeon Master. The whole group grew silent with anticipation. I cracked a Pepis to break the silence, then smiled... I was home. The evening went well, I plan on returning whenever I can. If I get a job that'll be more important though- of course. I gamed all night & then Sunday afternoon I went to Sunny's and spent the day with her, we hung out, laughed together at www.engrish.com , went out to eat the last fancy meal I can treat her to for a while, and then we came back and watched Romeo & Juliet (the modern version) together. *GAG* It was ok, but only because I was spending time with Sunny. After the movie I ranted about it, naturally. She has really enjoyed having the house to herself for the past two weeks, and quite honestly so did I. That ment we could spend some time together at her place. (I'm not welcome there usually) ... but with her parents gone I could finally make sure she didn't have to drive anywhere, she could sleep in when she can, and can do what she wants when she wants. For the past two weeks she could relax almost totally. Now her family has returned from their Christmas vacation in Florida and undoubtedly things are going to be stressful for her again. She's either home too much or not enough, she can't do what she wants without catching flak, she can forget about sleeping in, but of course if she does get up too early then theres something wrong. If she does what she wants to around the house they bother her about it. If she goes out they complain about where she goes and who she sees. *sigh* I hope she's gotten a chance to relax while she could... One day I'll make a home for her that's nicer, but not a replacement, nor will it be perfect- no where's perfect, but she'll have the freedom to make it close enough. So with all that stuff I got for Yule & Christmas I feel this irresistable need to go through everything I have (yet again), thin it out, clean and re-organize it. --And you know what's sad? If I don't resign myself to do it I'll never sleep and always feel anxious about my surroundings. I'm just a sick man. *L* This'll take days too. Ah well... I'm off to do what my mad little brain needs me to do. I look forward to a lot this year. I'll post my resolutions soon. Current Mood:  anxiousCurrent Music: "Serious Steel" (SCA CD) | ||
| Friday, December 27th, 2002 | |||
| 2:14 am | Christmas For those of you who know me or read my livejournal you can easily figure out I'm not Christian, I'm an Ásatrúar. (i.e. a believer in Ásatrú, sometimes called an Odinist.) Now, though I don't personally celebrate the Christian holiday called Christmas, I do observe it with my family who are Christian- or at least, observe Christian rites and ritual. As I think of it I have a very diverse family: I am an Ásatrúar, my mother is a devout Roman Catholic, my brother is a Hare Krishna, and my father is a Capitalist! *LOL* Hel, even Sunny, my fiancé is a Unitarian Universalist... Anyway, so I took full advantage of my "multicultural familial livestyle" and recieved some Christmas gifts four days after Yule. I have the fortune of spending every holiday with my wonderful woman, Sunny. ( LJ: twilightsm ) In the early evening Sunny & I met in Bay City; visited with her Aunt Gloria & Uncle Geary, who may I add are wonderful (and very Catholic) people. I enjoyed myself and felt quite welcome, which is a completely new experience for me when it comes to her family. It was really nice, I've been craving some acceptance for somewhere on her side for a while now. My heart prays it's a foothold. Our visit lasted well beyond dinner time, so not to our surprise all the restuarants were closed well before 11:00PM on Christmas Eve. (A constant reminder of just how Christian our nation is) Sunny finally asked: "What do people like you do on night's like this? Everything is closed." I laughed in reply. "Unless your Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or maybe even Native American or celebrating "Kwanzaa". *I shook my head & thought of Wicca* you're really not recognized in this country. I mean, you have rights, but no one knows you're there." She expected a short and potent rant, but I brought it to a simple close: "We just ignore the shameless commercialsism, horrible repetative music, and copy-cat decorations, but take advantage of the sales. We make sure to eat at home & shop early on days like today, just like every one else." She smiled at that. "No one aside from other Ásatrúar, the pagan folk, or the occasional New Ager- who all claim the holiday wish us a Good Yule. I'm ok with it, that's life in the United States..." So we went to her place where I used my know-how to whip us up a few cheese & bacon omlets. Together in her dimly lit kitchen we shared a little homemade breakfast as a holy supper. Then she gave me three perfect gifts. (We don't exchange, she gets hers on Yule, Dec. 21st, she gifts to me on Christmas.) Here's the loot: (A gift actually given to me on Yule.) A copy of "Pretty In Pink" on DVD. A wonderfully touchy-feely chickflick from the 1980's about social struggle, peer pressure, and unrequited love. It must of taken a lot of courage for her to actually pick it up for me in broad daylight! *LOL* 1. A copy of "The Breakfast Club" on DVD. Yet another, much more well-known 80's teen movie that teaches about understanding differences and living life loving yourself and eachother how you are. 2. A copy of "Laws of the Resserection" the revised rules for playing Mummies. It's a live action role-playing (LARP) guide to use in conjunction with (or stand alone) White Wolf Game Studio's famous Vampire: The Masquerade game setting. 3. A Limted Edition U.S.S. Enterprise (NX-01) Halmark Keepsake Ornament! Believe it or not this is an extreamly personal, very romantic gift. It referrs to a movie called "Free Enterprise", which by the way depicts our relationship almost identically; In the movie an Enterprise Ornament symbolizes love. It's a beautiful movie, espeically for Star Trek/Sci-fi fans! Sunny's a very sharp giftgiver & she knows how much of a hopeless romantic I am, so this gift ment a lot to me. ... then we proceeded to get cozy together downstairs and watch The Breakfast Club, followed by Shrek on DVD. It was nice to share some quite time with eachother, under a warm blanket, the snow falling mercilessly outside, with no where to go until morning. Come morning, Christmas Day, we headed to Frankenmuth to visit with my family. There my father made us a homemade breakfast (eggs again), it was nice to have breakfast with her- it's not often I get to do that ya know. I treasure the experience each time. After our late, leasurely meal we opened gifts. Sunny was then cheerfully informed that a much-wanted, hard-to-find copy of the movie "The Worst Witch" was on its was to her as a gift from the whole family. She was happy about that. I got alot this year, all but one of which wasn't on my Wish List (that I provided). I can't say I'm unhappy, I like what I got- I needed some of it, but I feel a bit ungreatful for feeling somewhat disappointed that I didn't get a single book I blaitantly asked for. Anyway, here's the loot: 1. Countless shirts, all of which are long sleeved, crew neck, three-buttoned pullovers, made 50% cotton 50% polyester in various colors. I added of these to the dozen others I've been given throughout the year. 2. A brand new pair of black dress paints. A much needed, very practical gift. Especially since I absolutely hate dress paints and cringe everytime I actually spend money on the damn things. 3. Camoflage work gloves. It's either a subconscious insult of some sort or they really thought I needed these for something. 4. A pair of black leather, thermax linned gloves. A decent pair of fairly attractive, very warm, but terribly un-flexible winter gloves. Now both I & Dr. Esctruth own a pair of black leather gloves. 5. Four books on the Irish Republican Army, couristy of my fellow proud Free Republic loving Irish-American father. These books were a pleasant surprize. Here they are in no particular order: "Out of Time" IRA Prisoners of Long Kesh 1972-2000, "Who Fears To Speak...?" the story of Belfast and the 1916 Rising, and the O'Brien Pocket Historys of Irish Rebels and the IRA. 6. Two packs of reusable chopsticks. The one item I got, in repeat no less, from my wish list. I now have enough mock-ivory chopsticks to supply a small oriental army. :) 7. A brand new jacket! Now for those of you who know me IRL my jacket defines who I am, together my parents and I returned thiir first (very unflattering) attempt at finding me a jacket and instead found (with me along) an excellent example of American Made, 100% Wool, peacoat-style, dark-grey dress trenchcoat that looks quite nice. And great on me if I do say so myself. I plan on getting the sleeves talored later this week. Hopefully this'll help in recent long, hard, and very fruitless job hunt. 8. A copy of the movie "In the Mouth of Madness" on DVD. This is a harder to find, wonderful example of H.P. Lovecraft inspired work- one of my top ten favorite horror movies. The best phrase to describe it is: "Lived any good books lately?"... Do you read Sutter Caine? 9. A brand new Sprit PCS LG cellular phone w/ paid service for a year! This was my bigest gift, while not asked for it's nothing to shake a stick at, especially in my financial situation. *sigh* I already had a nearly brand new Verizon cell phone, I paid $106.00 for it. This fancy gift just made it obsolete. Now it's really just one big, heavy, combination clock / moble text messanging machine. I keep it around so my friends can keep in touch with me. This new phone & it's minutes are strictly reserved for family, business, & emergencies only. (for more information see recent postings on FNN) I'm happy to say I can't give out the number & I have an excuse because "I'm not allowed, I don't pay for it". :) Now with free nights & weekends I can call Sunny EVERY night for as long as I want and it's absolutely FREE! We're both enjoying that, throughly. 10. Misc. other little things: Altoids, Tic-Tacs, a mutli pack of chapstick, a can of Cheese SPAM (?!?), little paper photo albums, a few coffeetable books on Ireland, and various other dollar store treats. *sigh* All of which added up cost them more than any one of the books I asked for... but that's alright. I'm not that upset, I just don't have the money to buy them myself and probably won't for a long time. Then we proceeded to enjoy a large dinner of slow baked turkey, stuffed celery, craneberry sauce, black olives, beef suffing, mashed potatoes, corn, gravey, and homemade pumpkin pie with white wine to drink. Mom had to say a very "holiday approprate" grace as opposed to the nondenominationaly grace we're all used to. (The Pilmont Grace, something short, sweet, all-encompassing and to the point we learned in Boy Scouting. "For Food, for Reinment, for Life, for Oppertunity, for Friendship & Fellowship we thank thee O Lord." - see?) We ate, talked, and ate some more... then we sat around and talked over a few cups of coffee. Sunny & I excused ourselves to watch "In the Mouth of Madness" in the family room. After the movie she & I slipped into my room for a parting heart-to-heart, then I saw her off in the middle eve to get home safely & get to bed at a decent hour. The day after I took whatever money I was given and put it into the bank, saving it for that apartment I soo desperately want. It's strange really, after the holidays you feel this strange validation like "I didn't get it so now I can buy it" attitude. Believe it or not this year it was a lot harder to keep from running out and buying a few of those books for myself. From the looks of the stores this week, I'm not the only one! So that was my Christmas this year! Current Mood: goodCurrent Music: "Don't You Forget About Me"- God Lives Underwater | ||
| Tuesday, December 24th, 2002 | |||
| 5:58 pm | Pretty In Pink! *LOL* So Sunny gave me a copy of the movie "Pretty In Pink" on DVD! It's such a chick flick & yes, I like it. She rocks, I'm sure it took effort for her to buy. Looks like tonight's and 80's Night! | ||
| Saturday, December 21st, 2002 | |||
| 2:19 am | Yule Gifts Good Yule everyone! So yeah, I couldn't wait. At 12:01PM I made Sunny open three of her four gifts for Yuletide this year. The last one has been on order and is expected in the mail any day now. Unfortunetly it was late in arriving. This is what I got her: 1. The Encyclopedia of Vampires, a book she's been eyeing every time we visit the bookstore. It was on her list and it was a bigger item so I knew she wouldn't buy it for herself, so I got it for her. 2. The collected works of H.P. Lovecraft Vol 1., this edition has all the famous stories- it'll be a great start into Lovecraft's works of horror-- just a little something she can wet her tenticle with. :) 3. A home made set of traditionally crafted and loaded runelots, holy mead (from Mid Summer Blot), prepared pigement (red ochre powder, mixed with linseed oil and the ashes of her hair), blessed linseed oil for anointing, and handsewn bag to store them in and casting cloth onto which to cast her lots. I also took the liberty of including a quick & dirty referance card for meanings of runestaves and stead on the cloth. Current Mood: cheerful | ||
| Friday, December 20th, 2002 | |||
| 10:27 pm | My Yule So tonight's last night of Yuletide is giving way to Dec. 21st, the Winter Solstice, the holy holiday of Yule. Unfortunetly my local kindred couldn't organize a feast & celebration in time. Tomorrow will be the shortest day of the year and I plan on spending it relaxing, enjoying myself and reflecting on the new coming year. I hope to witness the sunrise and sunset in silence and with great reverance. Today I plan on singing twelve prayers, one for each of the coming months of the new year. I will swear oaths, give gifts, and share good drinks with good friends. I look forward to this not-so-elaborate, more personal Yuletide Eve. How are you celebraiting Yuletide this year? Comments welcome. Current Mood: reflective Current Music: Everything I take in today... life | ||
| 5:01 pm | The Shortest day of the Year Tomorrow's Yule and I believe I've managed everything I could. I mean honestly I had to bust my ass hard to home-make or have made all that I could & buy whatever I other items I managed to afford. So in the long run I'm thinking I did "alright". I hope Sunny likes her gifts, they're nothing terribly special this year... I came back from my trip to Butler, PA. I enjoyed seeing my Grandad, I wasn't overjoyed about spending all that time with my Father & brother. - I proved myself right about the fighting, yet again. *sigh* Everyone, including my Grandad, was totally obsessed with the fact that I was unemployed and not in school. Instead of visiting they formed a three generation-spanning inquistion. *grumble* I hate money and the people who worship it. I get to see Sunny tonight! :) More later. Good Yule to all! Megi Othin blessi tig! Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Winter Soltice Celebraition- NPR | ||
