LiveJournal for Sparkle Suicide. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Website (too lazy to have a page right now). View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Subject: mouthful of blood, headful of nothing, shredded gut.. Time: 8:31 am. Mood: sad. Music: "Bittersweet Symphony" - Verve.

well the feeling of being punched in the stomach is being accompanied by nausea. i dunno if its the mild depression, or just dehydration. that lovely blurred vision is coming back also. i hear thats a sign of rapid weight loss, but ive not done anything too terribly drastic in my diet/excercise habits so it has to be from stress or otherwise. fuck fuck fuck why does shit have to always get bad like this. i really want to be independent but i guess it means being alone....its just a bittersweet symphony that's life ever get the sensation that your life is just one badly written episode of mtv's "the real world"? still...i am plotting, planning, conspiring to find a way to get his affection. starting to border on pathetic, tonight i plan to go watch him paint while i study for the FLG test on thursday. i may not do that, dependind on how tired i am. just sucks that im gonna be smellin like a burnt chicken tender. so, who thinks i should just get completely shitfaced and tell him how i feel? raise your hand or perhaps comment on a better way i should go about it without all this highschool bullshit because im a pussy. well it is that time and almost the end of the song. have a good wednesday!

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Subject: hopes once again dashed... Time: 11:44 am. Mood: disappointed. Music: Pete Yorn - Sense.

back from new orleans and all i really brought back with me was some drunk inflected bruises and scratches, plus a missed schoolday. after returning last night i found out that my crush, whom i dreampt about AGAIN before departing to nola (this makes 3 times) has no feelings, nor will ever according to his own claims. id like to have him tell me this himself instead of hearing it through someone else. jesse was cool to try to put in a good word for me, but damn, my crush is pretty smart i am sure he can figure out that i have feelings. i mean how obvious is it when he makes a comment that i never smell girly and then a week later im wearing perfume. another aquaintance had to be all "hallerein is wearing perfume for us" uhhh, no, im not trying to whore myself to the whole group. only one token per month given out...well, unless im in canada or recently dumped. thats another thing that was said to have turned him off, my "sexual prowess" i.e.: sluttiness, history. i mean, goddamn, bitch is gotta get her play. i cant get off by masturbation, what the fuck am i supposed to do? oh well, i guess im never gonna get to ride on that. (it was more than just wanting sex, i wanted a relationship, also) but, two good things, 100 on myth test (i guess it goes with my "altered" view of reality) and i am scheduled to start training for service zone next monday. yeah yeah service zone steals your soul, cant steal what isnt there. what makes me such a whore? really, ive made people hate me because of this, why am i satan?

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Subject: haha, i am REALLY bored Time: 2:17 pm. Mood: silly.

so when dragging my recently downloaded files to the winamp playlist directory, i also got some avi files mixed in...me like the curious cat i am, wondered what it would sound like if i actually tried to play these files as if they were mp3, and it sounded fucking AWESOME...the only ones that were in that particular directory were sifl and olly show. i tried to play some friends' episodes but those didnt work that well, i went to my nine inch nails' directory and played the unrealeased vid "the day the world went away" and it was pretty bangin, even though the song itself needs no improvement. ive tried to play cd-rom's in cd players before but this is much better. and i actually have some samples: sifl and olly + nine inch nails this is really weird that i discovered this, because i had another dream about becoming "dj sparkle" yes, i know its cheesy as fuck. it would rock, though, if this could be the start of something. move over, richard d. james, im gonna knock your socks on your ass with my brand of IDM/experimental! i am such a goob

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Subject: tous les femmes aime.... Time: 1:12 pm. Mood: bouncy. Music: "The Waitress" - Tori Amos.

DOUZE POUCES (that was for you pirate_steve) ;-) anywho...another dream about my not so secret crush...oh GAWD...it was based on a conversation i had with him because i dont really have a "girly" smell because i dont wear perfume and hang out with a bunch of dirty boys. that day (for real) i wore my "lucky" perfume, and also in my dream. well, he and i were hanging out together and he was sniffing around my neck and remarked on how i smelled differently. then he started kissing and licking on my neck. as far as pleasure goes, that is my second g-spot. normally one does not feel things in dreams, but i felt that, oh yeah i was feelin it. after that he told me that he wanted to fuck me all the time but he didnt want to date me, so that was a small let down...im not sure if he even has lust towards me. for some reason, we keep getting in these situations where it is just he and i and it is very quiet. daniel seems to think that he likes me also, but is a bit confused about the situation between daniel and i, and that if he wasnt around..perhaps my crush and i would work out. i dunno, ive asked people that are pretty objective and they seem to think that it wouldnt work. but in other news, latin can suck my dick...who was that crazy girl on x that thought it wouls be a good idea to take this course? oh yeah, that was yolanda, yeah thats the ticket.....why did ever let her convince me that this was a good idea? damn MPD's fuckin everything up. yolanda also wanted me to take a bunch of mathematical theory classes, but i was at least smart enough to know that wouldnt be a good idea at all. today in arby's i heard that song by the eagles, "take it easy" and it imediately reminded me of the tori amos song, "in the springtime of his voodoo" (standing on the corner of winslow, arizona/and i'm quite sure i'm in the wrong song) so of course i wanted to listen to it which is weird because thats not even my fave song on that CD...but of course it was not to be found...all my other 8 i found, and of course out of all the singles i got from her, i didnt get that one particular single..stupid stupid stupid...so i guess im gonna have to burn that copy, but this time ill use good bitrate songs instead of crappy 128kbps...for know "under the pink" will have to suffice. i think im gonna go through another tori phase, it has BEEN A WHILE, and kept under wraps...but shes bustin loose and back with a vengance, the age of electronica may end soon (but probably not, im ruined for life) love the pianer music but, damnit, i need some more cowbell....hehe, thats what we were saying at the game last saturday. i should get a paid account.

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Subject: another entry from angsty mc angstful. Time: 12:34 am. Mood: bored.

hmmm....amt + alcohol= bad bad bad bad BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD....did i mention, bad? the feelings are still there but ill deal with my shitty life the best way i know how...distraction. yeah, i was going to seriously kill myself sunday morning, luckily (or maybe unluckily) daniel was there to stop me. later on, i tried to kill him and ended up busting out the window. dont tell me i cant do something. there is a hamster in the house and fleas...again. the hamster likes to run on its wheel late at night, i dont know about all that noize. but yeah, my biggest complaint is that my life is going nowhere. yeah im in college, yeah ill probably graduate in the spring. but for what? to be a teacher. i have NEVER wanted to do that. so why did i pick this major, i am still wrestling with that one. i would have gone with design or computer science if not for the difficult course load. writing is a difficult field to get in. also, if anyone has seen my journal, they know that its just not one of my strengths. 98 lbs is what i want to be, 98 lbs i am never going to see. why 98? just to see if i could...but looking at this chicken that i just ate, no willpower enough for anorexia. i guess if my goal is to be in shape that would just be ludicrous to want to be that small, but wouldnt it be lovely? i would look like a coat hanger, a coat hanger, yes yes and i could make abortions. dead babies are the new black for my costume on halloween, i am going to be a psycho nurse, complete with shaved head (if i have the balls to do that) ive been contemplating that for like a year now, its just such commitment...but now i have an excuse.

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Subject: its the raver's anthem *bounce bounce bounce* Time: 4:11 am. Mood: hyper. Music: 99 red balloons (dance remix).

just had about 4 cups of coffee....sanderson opens in less than 2 hours, WHO IS FUCKING WITH ME?????? *listens to crickets chirping behind the music of happy hardcore* i hate to admit this, but i really like it when my roommmate isnt here. i can jam the toonz at 4am and no one cares, but the kitty ghosts..this place is totally haunted, for realz you, malique was talking about the fleas consuming him one night. daniel and i just happened to have a headful of amt and that was rather freaky. kids scare me sometimes. talking about fleas when this house hasnt had fleas in about a month...reminds me of how i thought it would be a good idea to play "come to daddy" by aphex twin...malique, "that scares me!!!"...maybe i scared the PISS out of him. mwahahahahahhahahah, oh i am terrible, i will be here all night kids, ALLL NIGHT....the jokes never end!!! WHEN JOKES GO TO FAR...starring: lauren l****...volumes one through infinity...fed exed to your door every ten minutes forever. welcome to my life, folks, it is one big inside joke after another. and they never get old.....not that anyone who reads it will get it but: marijuana

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Subject: something you may have not known about me... Time: 3:13 am. Mood: silly. Music: white stripes....yes, because i am autistic (hahahahaha).

i have a tattoo...well, sort of...it is a hybrid of a scar and a tattoo...its on my left hand in the shape of an "x" i (actually a military school "friend") did it when i was 14 and no, it wasnt because i was an edger...it was 1996, no one in MS had ever heard of that movement!! anywho, after my dad screamed at me and it looking like a christian cross, i decided to cut it out and so became my beautiful little scar to forever remind me how much of a jackass i was when i was younger. but whenever anyone asks me in regards to the multitude (yeah, like 2) facial piercings if i have any tats, i simply respond "no"... brings me to present day...id really like to get something done...knuckle tatoos that say "uber frau" (anything french would not be in 8 letters) would be cheezy but funny..it might be a tad obvious and played out. ive never seen anyone with a razor tattoo...and my gothiness would say put them on the insides of my wrists...is that a little too, i dunno, hoakey? i mean, its not just me being a "suicide girl" which is starting to mean less...but also yeah, cutting stuff...razor blades, come on people....and no, there wont be any fake blood!! id kill myself with drugs and sex before id actually cut this beautiful skin. okay, maybe a little cutting.

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Subject: yeah im posting way too much Time: 3:01 pm. Mood: silly. Music: Crystal Waters - Gypsy Woman (La da dee da da da).

My journal says I'm 55% feminine. What does your LJ writing style say about your gender? LJ Gender Tool by hutta interesting...and this song is too "oh my gahd i remember that song"

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Subject: why god why Time: 2:22 pm. Mood: horny.

so yeah, i dont understand it...time for the post relationship infatuation stage. and the person im semi-obsessed with is really someone that i shouldnt be. a relationship with this person would be like a train wreck, but maybe more like a nuclear explosion. see, i had somewhat of a vibe, but i guess you know first time this person showed kindness towards me, it was a little awkward. pete yorn will sing to me and make it all better....mmmm, pete yorn...damn this horniness, its clouding my brain!!! but perhaps you know this person i speak of...no hes not another LJ friend, thats just too much damn drizity drama for me this semester. oh wow, "so take your lessons hard and stay with him, and when your car crash comes, dont be misled..." goddamnit, that just seems way too appropriate at this point at this moment. oh well....i wonder who i will dream about tonight? probably another friend with whom i havent made out. that is a decreasing list, i know. so who wants to use their token?

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Subject: chillin in the piss palace, WOOOOOH!!!!!! Time: 9:43 am. Mood: angry. Music: Rammstein - "du riechst so gut".

so, yeah im pulling a jay....(blaring music, so that everyone hears it, even though i desire sleep) ive been up since about 8:30, went to sleep around 4, so as you can guess i am not a happy camper. my roommate came in here and tried to tell me something, i was all "WHAT??" kept the music at the full volume and he left.... i do not think i would do well with kids. the thing that prompted me to turn the tunes full blast was the fact that when siobhan was combing his hair, he started screaming, not crying, but just hollering....i decided that i have 12 GIGS of better noise. but yeah, they are still here...i dont appreciate this one bit, it is a saturday. i guess i shouldnt have been cookin breakfast at 3am last night, but yeah. this is why i took all that shit to stay awake on the weekends, couldnt really do it anyway. fucking christ.

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Subject: play this game with me Time: 4:28 pm. Mood: bored. Music: Blutengel - Addicted.

i tend to disappear around these parts on the weekend (hmmm, i wonder why) i made i guess what would be another sex mix...too bad there really isnt anyone i want to fuck around here, but if someone made me a mix like that, i would probably have to consider. (if he/she was cute, of course) well yeah...lots of non sleep, lots of off the chain-ness...et cetera..enough foreplay, let's fuck: Sexxxy Industrial Mix (Artist, Track) 1. Blutengal: Addicted 2. Lords of Acid: Rough Sex (All Night Grinder Mix) 3. Curve: Coming up Roses 4. Gravity Kills: Wanted 5. VNV Nation: Cold Fuck Mix 6. Nine Inch Nails: Deep 7. Infekktion: Love the Machines 8. Wumpscut: Ich Will Dich 9. Suicide Commando: Desire (Wumpscut Remix) 10. XP8 - Desire 11. Velvet Acid Christ - Hullicinagae 12. Chemlab - Chemical Halo (Bruised Regeneriation) 13. Revolting Cocks - D'ya Think I'm Sexy 14. Razed in Black - Lust 15. Johnny Hollow - I'll Have You oh yeah, oh yeah....i think im spent. now lick it off...teehee

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Subject: stupid insomnia Time: 1:17 am. Mood: silly. Music: 13. Front 242 - Headhunter 2000 (Funker Vogt Remix).

running is fun!!!!! (anyone want to come with me to sanderson tomorrow at either 7am or 5pm, i will be there both times...because im fucking HARDCORE, at least i hope) german is funner!!! (adding er to adjectives in comparitive form is quite alright regardless of number of syllables...in german!) cannot sleep, love the pointless posting. not a fan of the working thing. ive been given the news that i may have a possible job after college...working at the record label of the greats issac hayes and otis redding!! that would deffinately be off the chain...speaking of catch phrases, lets take a trip to the old school and discuss some of our favourites throughout the ages (fall 2001 to present)...ill start: CHICKENS

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Subject: ..and my soul i pissed it all away Time: 10:02 pm. Mood: horny. Music: "cold fuck mix" - vnv nation.

look through these blackened eyes, youll see 10000 lies...my lips may promise but my heart is a whore i have been having a fat week...my clothes are starting to fit me tigher..which is ironic because ive been eating less and working out more...what gives? i want to get naked, oily, sweaty and dirty (and in a cage) i cant decide if i am christina aguilera or trent reznor. maybe christina saw the "wish" video and decided to copy it? doubtful. i want you to break me...i want you to throw me away this lack of play (about a month) is starting to turn into a dry spell...ever since i had to recover from that agent disease...hur hur hur hur....usagi629 should appriciate that one (you dirty little whore) man...i am so nervous...a few of you know why. i hope my shallowness doesnt get the best of me. if someone wants to visit me tomorrow night...im workin at gooch's deli now. workin the pizza slut shift. feel like an idiot, because i havent gotten quite the hang of bouncin the pizzas in the box...so if you feel like eatin a pizza with the cheeze half off..come by! j/k, sorta. i want candy, i want candy, let me repeat...i want candy....because while liquor maybe quicker...candy is a billion times more dandy!!! where is a sexy french boy when you need it...."ah oui, ah oui, j'aime ça!" no, they dont actually sound like that...one of them said something in english, WTF??? how are you going to make a sex groan in a second language?? maybe one day i will learn to fuck in 5 different languages....id be doing good if i could any at all right now.. has anyone heard this song by vnv nation: "cold fuck mix"? it is one of the few songs i feel dirty listening to. makes me want to have sex with my ears. its funny because it has excerpts from porno, but all the expletives are bleeped....yeah i live with a pre-schooler, hes getting a great influence with me living here. i want you to grab my hair and f*** my mouth with your hard c*** and get it all down my throat

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Subject: killin babies, smokin crack, fuckin bitches all night long Time: 3:31 pm. Mood: silly.

i think my boobs are getting bigger gooch's called, they want me to work tomorrow night and friday, hopefully i still can go to kimball collins...hmm, guess ill get there sometime after midnight, damn the man! that place should be open on the weekend, for realz. soylent green is people. have important shit to do...must stay awake, no nappy naps... i have a fanbase, i am so kewl....enough to be in the kewlkidsklub which is still under construcion, by the by...WHO THE FUCK USES THAT?????? besides my ex boyfriend and david fucking cross...i wanted to kill myself when i read that article. i hate that saying, it seems so redundant...its by the way..daniel was so amused when i told him that but, i felt better knowing that one of the creators of the best show ever wants to have sex with me the article teehee...

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Time: 5:16 pm. Mood: bored.

when all else fails, dye your hair

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Subject: woahh Time: 6:33 pm. Mood: sore. Music: Dirty Vegas - I should know.

so i said to myself the other day, "self, why don't you have any cool dreams (that i can remember) anymore" surely, i haven't consumed that much aspartame and amt to totally destroy my short term memory? so today while i was too sore to go to power yoga...holly was right about not over-exerting yourself...yeesh. the back of my legs are killin me!! anyway, in my dream, i was in heaven. i find this extrememly funny because, well, i don't believe in heaven, in fact at one point, someone asked me about my beliefs and i responded "of course, i believe in god....im in heaven!" and then, my vague knowledge of kierkergard and existintialism quesioned it and i realized that it could be just a dream...damnit, this college thing is destroying my dreams!!! the cast of charecters in this thing was funny because it was my german class, i believe. i do remember dancing with this girl laura at some point. she is pretty fun. now, when you think of heaven you think of clouds n stuff, right? well, this place was just an all white (i think ) building, it actually kinda resembled an office building of sorts. leaveall lit up, so it wasnt really a party.there was a back room that had this severe loooking black woman on a platform (god?). and there was this person whom i didnt know giving me all these quesions to ask her, like how can he get out. and she simply pointed to another door and said, "if you want to leave, there's an exit". he didnt leaveall lit up, so it wasnt really a party. so laura and i get into a tiff about somehing. now, i dont know why there would be a conflict at all, i think it was because i wanted to play "sandstorm" - darunde. and she made me mess up my jukebox selection. yeah, in heaven i have really bad musical tastes. at one point, we listened to that cheezy techno song "heaven" (appropriate, eh) so, i was upset about the conflict and i started singing "if i could turn back time" almost exactly like cher, it was scarey. and someone was like "hey there is a time machine.." so we went back in time, and think the "safety dance" was playing and then i woke up. very interesting dream, indeed.

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Subject: rar Time: 10:35 pm. Mood: bored. Music: silence is golden, but how bout i punch you in the face?.

so i was feelin a bit tired as came home from subway, but it was only about 20:00, soo i cleaned up my room minimally and watched an old south park episode i hadnt seen, started the second one, but i had seen that one too. was pretty tired so i decided that going to sleep at 10 would be a good idea...well, here it is approaching 23:00 and i am not tired. i guess it is because i woke up at 12, today...skippy class..but i made up for it by working my ass off at sanderson. had planned on going tomorrow, but if i dont get to sleep soon, i wont feel like doing anything tomorrow morning. my life is dull, i need a boyfriend to come tire me out. mmmmmm, now theres an idea, where is my "sparkle splasher". yeah, totally TMI. haha in other news, i cannot decide if i want to go to voodoo fest in new orleans or not. it is pretty expensive, $80, but marilyn manson, paul oakenfold, rabbit in the moon, and a perfect circle (whom i have seen twice, hey!!...maybe maynard would recognize me...riiiight) also, it is on halloween and id like to spend it with my friends, but maybe if enough people go, i can party in NOLA and then go to VAMPIRE STRIPPER SLUTS FROM OUTER SPACE!!! i need an excuse to wear liquid latex and paint my body in silver. also, it would be my fitness goal, to get skinny enough so that i can pull that off...liquid latex doesnt look good with cellulte and belly flab, icky...i have such a one track mind at times, hehe. sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex six six six sex sex sex six sex sick sex sick sick sex sex sex sex sex sick sick sex six six sex sick....i want to do terrible things to you

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LiveJournal for Sparkle Suicide. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Website (too lazy to have a page right now). View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.