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The
Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences
a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all
respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you
get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks
the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver.
But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue
only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes
you feel that all is right with the world and you are
in perfect harmony with it.
The
Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the
dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of
too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't
matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump
accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom
for days.
The
Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel
when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day,
making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The
Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like
2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily
around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly,
"DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you
leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The
Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine
is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers,
boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever
look in the hole.
The
Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps.
It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender
with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just
think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break
out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The
Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the
toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder.
A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use
the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the
curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too
cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion
that every "empty roll dumper" must face...Pull
up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself
to the nearest full roll.
The
Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it
drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column
of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly
unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.
Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The
Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone
rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the
phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but
you've gotta do what you gotta do
The
Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth
have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying
to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician
to help.
The
Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from
time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience
really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all
contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive
forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this
harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch
of poison ivy.
The
Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too
big to go through the aperture provided by nature for
the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma.
First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better.
You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You
imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies
trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll
have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom.
Basically there are only three things you can do:
1.
Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through
it.
The
Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Sh*t Happens"
really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your
tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal
tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be
better off if you carried your own portable toilet with
you because you will spend most of that time on the pot
and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you
realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The
Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a
state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a
group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like
machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor
like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn
commies.
The
Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on.
Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so
you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting
sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very
important here. At the precise moment of release, try
the following sound effects:
1.
Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The
Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when
you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless
door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode.
So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from
taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot
against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum
loudly
The
Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed
your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses
to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants
to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands
and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn
piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned
peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person
pounding impatiently on the door has scissors
The
Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush,
and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did
it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing?
Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you
should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd
better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear
and smile at the next person who comes in
The
Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which
end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps,
so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you
like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your
intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down
up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The
Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor
concert goers will tell you about going in a portable
toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking
a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic
and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.
The
Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created
the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't
create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about
it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion.
The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and
refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you
wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've
only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn
thing back up your intestine and wait until next time.
The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after
it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The
Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it
doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and
you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer
waste.
The
Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling
motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the
porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way
down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love
it or leave it. Its your choice.
The
Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put
yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate
the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have
to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven
encores.
The
Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly,
you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take
up religion" you always get through it, but seldom
keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born
again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.
Ghost
Poopie
The kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's
no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet,
but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet
Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still
feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between
your butt and your underwear so you don't runie them with
a stain.
Second
Wave Poopie
The kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and
you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize
you have to poopie some more.
Turtle
Poopie
The kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back
in a few times before it finallly comes out
Pop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically
have a stroke.
Lincoln
Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush
without first breaking it into little pieces with the
plunger.
Gas-sy
Poopie
The kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot
is giggling!
Drinker
Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night
of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks
on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn
Poopie
(Self explanatory)
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop
Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it
on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal
Tap Poopie
That's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you
swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet
Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt
cheeks get spashed with water.
Liquid
Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your
butt and spashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican
Poopie
The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper
Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.
The
Suprise Poopie
You are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you
are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie!
The
Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though
you know you are done poopie-ing. You just pray that a
shake or two will cut it loose.
Fisherman's
Bobber Poopie
You are in a public restroom with two people waiting on
your stall, you poopie and flush two times, but several
golfball pieces are still floating above the water line.
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