07.12.2003 - 06:34 PM

While sitting on the throne this afternoon I noticed one thing of particular importance: It’s currently December and no one bothered to tell me. Obviously the database that stores people’s email addresses for announcements like this got corrupted and I missed out. That could be the only logical explanation for me not knowing it was December, or perhaps I was kidnapped by robots; I like robots.

Anyway, December is my favourite time of the year for many, many reasons, some of which I shall outline now in a post that I’ve appropriately labeled “Things I like about December.” I was going to call it “Ten Thing I Like About You” and write a really bad acrostic poem dedicated to December, but then I realized that this site is not hosted on livejournal, the home of bad poetry and non-robot love.

The first thing I love about December is can be summed up by the short phrase “the complete and total lack of pollen in the air, thus my hayfever is not doing nasty things to my sinuses that involve a lot of sneezing, tonnes of tissues, a rented midget gimp and sore eyes.” Wow, that wasn’t as short as I intended, but it’s extremely factual and I like that in a phrase, well, unless I’m drunk, in which case I’ll say anything; I once tried to convince a girl I was a professional airline pilot at aged 17. She didn’t believe me. Or like robots.

The second thing I like about December is because the atmosphere is filled with warmth. It’s a magical time of the year when the air becomes heated due to the Coriolis Effect making all the warm air exhausted by the robots in South America come this way, where the robot population is horrifyingly low. That’s what I learnt in high school physics anyway, and I’ll stand by it.

I like warm weather because it has several delightful side effects such as girls wearing a lot less clothing, beer tasting a lot better, Bacardi tasting a lot better, Canadian club tasting a lot better, more socially acceptable to be asleep at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, Bacardi tastes better, You don’t get wet when you’re walking home at 3 o’clock in the morning unless you deliberately walk through the lake, and other less exciting reasons involving my love for air-conditioning systems.

The third thing I like about December is Christmas. Like a great many people who love to stare at themselves in the mirror every hour, on the hour, and sometimes on the half-hour depending on how I’m feeling, I love to get gifts; and Christmas is that time of the year when people get together to celebrate the time at Jesus dressed up as Santa and gave gifts to his 19 apostles. It’s a holiday that stretches back to 1989, possibly further, and behind Easter, New Year’s, Foundation Day and that bank holiday in August, is my favourite. I’m mad for it.

The last reason I love December is that it’s the time of the year when all the commercial television stations premier all the shows that they didn’t want to screen during the previous year. I have a really bad habit of watching really bad teen television shows, and odd-ball comedies that detail the lives of a middle-class dude and his family. I can’t help myself, it’s something about highly unrealistic teen dramas that I find appealing. They’re especially good if you’re drunk, something I’ve dabbled in once or twice.

This concludes my ode to December, and the whole thing can be summed up in one, hopefully short, sentence that I promised a dude last Friday night that I’d use when I saw him at some party with Parker: soft, and gay.

The End.