December 03, 2003
Just in from correspondent Martin:-
Alrighty people it's time to have the last laugh with those Pommy Bastards-
If you can remember back to the Semi-finals of the RWC when England beat
France, and the Sydney Morning Herald ran a poll to see if the public
thought the game was dull, or scintilating. The pommies as i am sure you
know got wind of this and flicked an email to people back in their homeland
to vote scintillating. An amazing 40,000 poms voted such that the outcome of
the survey was that the game was scintillating. (as we all know quite a
boring game).
Now it is time to turn the tables!!! At present Jonny Wilkinson is the red
hot favourite to win the 2003 BBC sports Personality of the year. And guess
what folks?........you can vote online!. So i would suggest you get to the
BBC website and vote for Tim Henman as all the Ex-pat's over here are doing.
So follow the steps below, vote and then pass this email to as many
Australians as humanly possible.
1. go to this BBC poll
2. Vote Tim Henman!!
I trust the people over in London copping a caning can count on your
support...
In the words of pollsters at Labor pre-selections, vote early and vote often.....
A parliament house employee saw Kim Beasley (pictured) after losing the leadership ballot, and asked "It's not the end of the world, Sir- why are you down in the dumps so much?"
Beasley replied "I have to go and forage there when they shut the canteen."
This sounds stupid enough to get a grant from the Australia Council:
Not content to merely fill the wires with his mindless orations on the war in Iraq, Susan Sarandon's sidekick is trying out his propaganda drive in a new forum - the stage.
Actor and lead marcher of the anti-war shrill team Tim Robbins has written a play that purportedly shows what really went on during the initial phase of the war in Iraq.
Robbins, who is directing the theatrical production as well, discharges rhetorical ammo at the embedded journalists who gave America the most intimate look at warfare ever.
Despite the fact that he wasn't in Iraq during the fighting, in his play Robbins nevertheless makes embedded reporters look like accomplices of the Pentagon, turns coalition troops into murderers and bandits, and paints the administration with a war-abusing political hack brush.
The cast of White House advisers includes such unimaginatively named characters as "Rum-Rum," "Pearly White," "Woof" and "Dick."
The officer in charge of the embedded units is a figure named "Col. Hardchannel." Hardchannel calls his embedded journalists "his bitches" and filters and alters all news coming out of Iraq.
Robbins even includes a character known as "Jen-Jen Ryan," a young female soldier who is turned into a hero by the media for deeds she never accomplished.
The Left Coast Report predicts that Robbins will soon be whining once again about the "chill wind" in America when it's pointed out that his play is filled with deceit and is an insult to all who have risked life and limb for our freedom.
(Thanks to Newsmax).
Thanks to my sponsors &%#@CARD!
Get out and buy some more!
Surely Nanna needs a new colostomy bag, and what better for your nephew than a gift voucher from his drug dealer for Christmas?
Bung 'em all on &%#@Card- you won't have to pay until the new year, and just file for bankruptcy!
December 02, 2003
A shock assault on the olfactory orifices of our brave Upper House Oafs caused the clearing of the chamber this afternoon.
THE Senate was suspended shortly after question time today after senators were affected by noxious fumes.
The smell was in the Senate chamber throughout question time and President Paul Calvert suspending the sitting until the source of the fumes was detected.
Based on the theory of "who smelt it dealt it", a review of closed circuit television footage of today's question time was reviewed.
In one of the worst puns in the history of Australian parliamentary bad gags, Senate President Paul Calvert stated "Hopefully, our maintenance staff will get to the bottom of this very quickly."
Footage later revealed Senator Kerry Nettles pulling Senator Bob Brown's finger, while the senior Green was seen to grimace and hold his nose.
Federal Police are investigating reports of a planned coup by Green radicals, who have been force-feeding Senator Brown with three day old organic sprouts and hydroponic asparagus for two weeks solid, accompanied by free-range boiled eggs.
If true, this cunning plan puts the infamous "Gunpowder Plot" in the shade.
A poultry-fancier on the Gold Coast got more than he bargained for when he ventured into the scrub at Burleigh Heads looking for a quick gobble.
The idiot in question was found naked, buried up to his neck in a scrub turkey nest, and had to be rescued by police and firemen.
It is believed the miscreant entered to turkey's territory and was attacked by the territorial bird, also known as a "Great Bustard".
It looks like the bustard made a bastard of itself, and busted a cap in his arse.
I hope he gets named- I plan on publishing it all over the web; what a loser, beaten up by a chook on steroids- he may have a future as federal leader of the Australian Labor Party.
The Pinko Pachyderm has delivered the kiss of death to the winner of today's ALP leadership ballot before the first vote was cast:- "...there's little room in Beazley's ALP, or Latham's, for those who share my views. Which is why we view today's election as a choice between frying pan and fire. Between the gallows and lethal injection. " (Any gallows used for Phillip Adams would have to be constructed from aircraft-grade titanium, and I doubt if there is enough Lethabarb in the country to put down that beached whale, but I'd give either a go).
While I find the idea of a malodorous smooch from that trunk that has been firmly ensconced in the rectums of various unlamented ALP leaders in the past to be a somewhat distastful prospect, the fact that the Left of the ALP is already lying down and surrendering to be an absolute hoot.
I said last night it couldn't get any better, but all of a sudden it does- I had been pontificating on the demise of the Left in Australia some time ago (long dead, but too stupid to lie down and rot), but it looks like the penny has finally dropped- except for a few old barricade bolshies who never grew out of their infantile undergraduate idiocy and even fewer young idiots trapped in humanities faculties that guarantee then perpetual unemployment, the Left has no support.
At this rate the Left of the ALP will have less members than current communists in Cuba; with a bit of luck, the diseased remnants of the ALP left and their hangers on will scurry off to join the ranks of Captain Planet and his hirsuite offsider Handlebar Kerry, as predicted by Bloatatus Bolshevikus"....a multitude of Labor voters -- including thousands of party members -- into the arms of the Greens."
They deserve each other, and a fractured ALP may see the right in the Senate vote in the national interest rather than on party lines- that's if there's enough of them left after a double dissolution election.
We may have the fractious nature of the ALP to thank in the long run when we finally see Medicare consigned to the scrapheap of failed forced altruism, the welfare state dismantled, arts and ABC funding scuttled and marginal tax rates to rival Singapore (if it ever happens, but this is our best chance ever).
***UPDATE***Didn't take even twenty-four hours for Miss Fremantle Facial Warts 1987 to stick her ample beak in and slip in a shot on the Bankstown Bovver Boy over his attitude to reffos.
Oh happy days!!
Moe managed to deliver a fatal eye-poke to Curley in the Caucus room, causing him to spin in a circle on the floor while howling "WOO WOO WOO" in a high-pitched voice.
Moe is looking forward to being beaten like a red-headed stepchild by John Howard in the next federal election, after which he wil sink in the tar-pit of failed Labor leaders without trace.
Enjoy, boofhead.
(Thanx to "Bushy" for the mutant images).
December 01, 2003
Rudd the Spud (aka Larry) came up with the quote of the Labor leadership competition so far; after tipping a sizable bucket of effluvia on the Bankstown Bovva Boy (aka Moe), he was waffling on about the need for change, then came out with this: "....the alternative is ten years of John Winston Howard; a prospect most of your viewers would not be happy with, Tony" (Tony being Tony Jones of ABC "Lateline".
An open admission from a senior ALP frontbencher that the ABC's viewing audience is left-leaning, and that the broadcaster caters to the bias of its percieved audience.
Meanwhile, ALP pollster Ross Cameron has declared that the ALP is in its worst shape for thirty years.
It could only get better if I won lotto, and ran over Bob Brown's bicycle coming home from the pub.
(I didn't say Bob had to be on the bike, did I).
When is Ian Thorpe finally going to come out of the changing room?
Jeebus! how gay can someone act and still claim to be straight? (Just think of a former Prime Minister).
It's pretty hard to claim butch status when you sign your name to a range of clingy fart-catchers, destined for the shop windows of Oxford Street.
Spin Starts Here asked the question back in October, and if you need further proof, who can argue with an arse-trologer?
(And what the fuck is an PhM in "Queer Studies"?? On second thoughts, i'd rather not know).
A doctor in the US is looking for female volunteers to trial a new type of pacemaker- this time the device generates spontaneous orgasms when activated.
This device could remove the need for boyfriends, beer and useful devices such as the rubber goatee (illustrated below):
(I must say this appendage is better looking than most of the wispy scrags of bum-fluff being sported on the chins of latter-day beatniks).
The only thing to counter this terrible intrusion on the ability of horny blokes to give the ferret a run is for immediate reseach be commenced into the surgical removal of male's heads, having them re-attached at about sternum level.
We would never need to leave the house.
(Thanx to "Bushy" and "Zsa Zsa" for the links).
A report in the Hun has WA pegged as Australia's most multicultural state, and a good thing too.
At least it is far enough away to not bother the rest of us; the statistics are a little flimsy upon reflection, however- the claim is based on migrant numbers, ignoring the fact that the majority are of Anglo-Saxon descent.
If we are going to be serious about "multiculturism", surely a more accurate view would be given if the figures reflected those from a non-english speaking background- I don't recall Poms and Yarpies having much sway with the Department of Immigration, Multiculturalism and Ethnic Affairs.
Ivory Coast army officers interrupted a television broadcast to demand that French Forces withdraw from a cease-fire line so that the Ivory Coast government forces could assault the rebels.
Upon hearing the mention of "withdrawl", a large cloud of dust was seen to rise from the cease-fire line as the gallant fromage-felching surrender simians of the 43rd Armistice Division dropped kit and made an orderly rout for the rear echelons.
Among items left behind is the new issue item carried by all members of the French military:-
(Thanx to Iraqi-Freedom.com for the pix).
An academic writing on "democratic rights" has described treatment of asylum seekers as a national "black spot".
He says Australia differs from a number of other countries by detaining asylum seekers without paperwork, whereas prior to 1991 they were allowed to live in the community while their claims were processed.
"Also the denial of welfare services other than Medicare in the first two years and the severe cutbacks in family reunions, all of those affect people who are not citizens of Australia," he said.
Point one is an outright lie- I was directly involved in the handling of illegal immigrats prior to 1991, and if they were not immediately turned around and deported they were certainly detained, and not in a motel room but the watch-house if no space at an immigration centre was available.
Point 2, I fail to see why a non-citizen should have access to welfare, Medicare, family reunion or anything else- they are, after all, not Australian citizens.
What about the democratic right of taxpayers to not have to fork out for the welfare of people who have no legal right to remain in Australia?
What about the democratic right of elected government to formulate policy based on a mandate given by the electorate?
For that matter, what about the democratic right to cut off funding to pinhead university blowhards who write biased bollocks to suit a personal agenda?
Don't worry your pointy head though, Jimmy- if ever those evil economic rationalists finally do a proper review of tertiary institutions and chop off funding to half-baked Humanities faculties such as the Centre for Immigration and Multicultural Studies, you can always get a gig at the Silly Moaning Hillmer or the Age- a home away from home.