Check this site out. I found it while browsing some other independent filmmaking websites.
Be sure to look at their archived shorts and do not miss this one.
Ok. Here they are. No order amongst the three:
1. The Honeymooners - I believe in the previous post, somebody said 'The Honeymooners' or 'I Love Lucy' couldn't be 'ground breaking' because it was at a time when sitcoms were brand new. Well what's more ground breaking than something that is brand new? 'The Honeymooners' was special because it featured husbands and wives that did't get along all the time. What's more, it had a female character that was strong enough to yell back at her husband while he bellowed.
Classic moments: When the mambo dancer with the good manners moves in next door, Alice gives Ralph a piece of her mind:
Alice: He treats us like women. That's something you've seem to have forgotten too Ralph. You've seen to forgotten that I am a woman!
Ralph: I forgot that you're a woman? How can I? Yer always yappin!
In another episode, Norton is sleepwalking and Alice suggests that Trixie stay downstairs while Ralph goes upstairs to keep an eye on Norton.
Alice: If she doesn't get any sleep soon, she's going to waste away to nothing!
Ralph: If she doesn't get any sleep? What about me? Don't you care if I waste away?
Alice: Sure I do Ralph. But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years!
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2. All In The Family - Perhaps the greatest sitcom of all time. All In The Family introduced us to Archie Bunker, the only television character who is described as 'lovable bigot.' With 'All In The Family' came episodes that dealt with politics, menopause, infidelity, racism, the draft, etc. The list goes on. There were words and slurs used that would never be allowed to air these days. Archie used words like 'spic', 'fag', and 'Polack.' In one episode where he gave mouth to mouth to a 'woman' in his cab, he insulted Puerto Ricans, Polish people and homosexuals in a span of 3 minutes. Remember the sound of the toilet flushing? First time it was ever heard on television.
Classic Moment: The furnace goes bad and Archie gets himself locked in the basement. He finds a bottle of booze and proceeds to get very drunk. Near the end of the show, Archie is praying to God to get him out of the basement. Right at that point, the door opens. Archie of course thinks it's God coming down to help him. Actually, it's the guy whose there to fix the furnace. It just so happens that the man is black. Archie, whose on his knees, looks at him, looks up towards the heavens and says, "I'm sorry Lord!!"
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3. Seinfeld - After having to deal with nearly a decade of sitcoms passing their peak and being deluged with one gooey one after another, Seinfeld hit the airwaves in 1989 as a pilot called, "The Seinfeld Chronicles." It started it's regular run in 1991. Seinfeld, like 'All In The Family' dealt with a bunch of issues that hadn't been dealt with before, but they weren't big social issues. You weren't going to see 'shrinkage' being discussed on 'The Cosby Show.' It was the 'water-cooler' show of the decade. Would anybody consider saying "Yadda yadda yadda" unless they had watched Seinfeld? Key words can invoke memories of entire episodes: Cubans. The puffy shirt. The high talker. The contest. The soup Nazi.
The genius of the show was the ability to fit 3-4 separate story lines into each episode. In addition, it's amazing how we were able to like a bunch of characters that were so indifferent to the feelings of others and narcissistic. Nothing epitomized that more when George thought the woman he was dating was bulimic:
George: Every time we go out to eat the minute we we're done eating she's runnin to the bathroom.
Elaine: So you're concerned.
George: Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals!
Classic Episode: Now, some people might argue that 'The Contest' was the best episode, and truly it was one of the all time greats. Four friends bet on who can go the longest with pleasuring themselves.
However, Seinfeld was at it's best when it was making fun of political correctness. No episode did that better than 'The Outing.' It's the episode where a writer for a college newspaper thinks Jerry and George are gay. Every time George or Jerry would tell people they weren't gay or somebody they knew was shocked to find out they were gay, it would immediately be followed with, "Not that there's anything wrong with that." It was said about 8 or 9 times in the span of 20 minutes. In doing so, it appeased those who would be insulted by somebody reacting strongly to somebody thinking they're gay but at the same time mocked the whole idea as though there was something wrong with saying, "I'm not gay."
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Honorable Mention - 'The Jeffersons'
Remember that Ebay thing with the Beanie Babies? That was so funny.
Well it gets better.
There was a woman who emailed him saying that some of them might be fake. Well, it turns out she was THE SAME WOMAN WHO WON THE AUCTION.
And guess what else? She gave him a negative rating (Scroll down to the Negative entry) because SOME OF THEM WERE FAKE!
You can't make this stuff up.
In addition, the guy got so much publicity from that auction, that he started another auction for people TO BUY HIM BEER. Apparently, a shitload of people coughed up $1.50 because he has another one going.
Why the hell can't I think of this stuff?
UPDATE: Wow. As Joel points out in the comments, this is actually pretty serious. The bidder has filed a complaint with the FBI.
I don't think it will go anywhere. Now if she had filed a complaint saying the beanie babies were naked, John Ashcroft would have been all over it.
Trish has more proof that Canadians are not to be trifled with. The "Legion of the Red Fist" is just one more cog in the red and white machine.
Yes, it's that time again, when some insensitive souls living south of the M-D line post balmy temperatures, wax poetic about wearing shorts in November, snicker and display all manner of annoying, uncivilized behaviour to those of us in colder climes. Well, we may be cold, but we Canadians are not a bunch of sissies when it comes to cold:
50 above - New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.40 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.
35 above - Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
20 above - Georgians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on T-shirts.
15 above - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.
0 - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
10 below - People in Nashville cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles.
20 below - South Texans fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos.
60 below - Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door.
80 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
100 below - Santa Clause abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
173 below - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
287 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold nuf for ya, eh?"
500 below - Hell freezes over. The Stanley Cup returns to Canada!
My street at 7:30 am:
Via Scott Chaffin comes the best Ebay Auction ever:
Let me begin by explaining some very important details, this way I do not get 100's of silly emails asking me to photograph the hind end of some stuffed animals. I DO NOT KNOW crap about these things. This belonged to my ex-wife who had about a 1000 of these Beanie Babies and when she moved, this one box of these got left behind, and now I am selling the goofy little things. Whatever money I make from them will be spent at the local Home Depot on tools and other cool stuff. I do not know which of these babies is retired or new, or whatever. I will list them in no particular order. I will tell you what its name is on the tag, if it has a plastic box or something. All these critter have been stored indoors, and are from a non-smoking home. Again, please do not send me emails asking me to photograp this or that. I am starting the auction at $10.00 and at that price I figure you all can take a chance. I understand from a friends wife that people are afraid to get fakes. FAKES? Fake plush toys? I was amazed. I thought people forged money, not childrens toys. Well I can only say, that 99% of these goofy toys were bought with my money, from eiter the local Hallmark Store, or one of the dozen or so Southern Craft/ collectibles stores I had to go to on a weekly basis buying these ridiculos toys years ago. Happy Bidding! Please take these critters from me so I can buy tools.Final Notice and Disclaimer: I know nothing about these stuffed Beanie Babies. I offer no proof of anything. It is a stuffed animal, get over it! I don't think my ex-wife was in the Black Market Beanie Trade..but then again, I didn't know she was having an affair either! Thus no gauruntees! All have theior little Heart Shaped tags on their ears.
This had me on the floor:
On Sep-21-03 at 12:21:32 PDT, seller added the following information:Okay all you people with nothing better to do! ENOUGH WITH THE EMAILS! I thought I was clear with all that. Here is an Email that I just got from some lady who felt she will try to save my sould or something! Read Below:
Very clever listing; however it is very likely you have some fakes (counterfeits) among the listing and I suggest you pull them from the auctions until you have them authenticated. Humphrey the camel is an example. It is a requirement of eBay as well as unde the provisions of the U.S. Criminal Cpode that a seller know the authenticity of a trademarked item s/he is selling. Also, an authenticated rare beanie will bring lots of money on the auctions. I'll let you know the others that are likely fakes, and further it is very unlikely your ex would have left behind these rare ones. If she had 1000 beanies, she knew what she had and their value. To sell counterfeits of a trademarked item wold make you a common criminal. Are you being honest? If so, cancel the auction, relist the common beanies, and send the rest for authentication. It would be well worth it financially and would make you honest. Taisha
WELL TAISHA! I don't CARE! I told everyone in the begining everything I know and don't know about these STUPID animals! I ahve an idea for all people that are so worried about this.....DON't BID! I dont care! I am so upset that this clown of a woman figured out my SUPER PLAN TO SCAM MILLIONS FROM THE UNKNOWING BEANIE WORLD! I FIGURED I WOULD RETIRE FROM THIS RUSE! What a dolt she is! I have blocked her from my bidder list, that way she can cry about it. Some people are UNREAL! GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scott has highlighted the best bits from the rest.
Metrosexual David Gest is suing Liza Minnelli for $10 million because she beat his ass and now he's hurtin.
It seems as if Crayola has been inspired by "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and jazzed up its colour palette:
EASTON, PENNSYLVANIA - Hang on to your magic mint, blizzard blue, mulberry and teal blue crayons because they've been pulled from the box.Crayola Crayons celebrated its centenary Saturday by eliminating these four colours and replacing them with dreamier colours: jazzberry jam, mango tango, inchworm and wild blue yonder. Three of these colours were chosen by children.
Burnt sienna was slated for elimination but protesters convinced the company to keep it in the pack.
A Crayola spokesperson said "We've only retired crayon colors twice in our 100-year history. It's a heart-wrenching process because we grew up with many of these sentimental favorites, too."
Of course, those of us with any knowledge of hetero male colour palettes know that Crayola's been gay all along. Otherwise, the choices would have been blue, black, gray, brown, green and maybe red. And stayed that way.
While searching for the perfect Kinky Friedman quote to put the Mamma Cass debate to rest once and for all, I found this gem:
Kinky Friedman's Private Stock, I'm told, has even made it as far as Crawford, where it was sampled by George W. himself. It was my little way of putting some extra zing into the war effort. I felt very strongly about the war effort. As I told my friend Billy Joe Shaver just before we invaded Iraq, "The guy's a tyrannical bully, and we've got to take him out.""Hell no," said Billy Joe. "He's our president, and we've got to stand by him."
No wonder he's a legend.
"None of those Democrats can beat me! If they try, I'll shoot a flaming ball out my hands...like this!!"
I'll have more to say on this article later. For now you can go read for yourself and just have a good laugh. I actually put this in the 'Humor' category.
UPDATE: I promised to go into this in more detail earlier.
It's a testament I believe to just how off the wall California politics are if a bill like this could actually clear the state legislature (Then again, Seattle is contemplating an espresso tax, so maybe such absurdity afflicts the entire west coast).
Assemblywoman Jackie Goldberg says:
"What this is about is there are certain people you just don't want to have on the road, to have any rights," she told Republicans. "That is just wrong."
Since when is operating a motor vehicle in this country a right? And since when did not having a license stop people from driving? It's not as though people who enter the country illegally are going to worry that much about such laws.
It gets worse. Somebody else in the Assembly wants to use the licenses to track down illegal immigrants:
Assemblyman Darrell Steinberg, D-Sacramento, said the bill would actually help law enforcement by giving them a way to identify illegal immigrants."If an individual is here in the country illegally, law enforcement has no means of identifying that person," he said. "But if the bill passes we'll have a database on persons who currently cannot otherwise be tracked."
Righhhht. How long before somebody uses this database to do just that? The same Democrats who are whining about this bill not passing would be the first ones to complain about it being put to such use.
Then we get to the absurd:
Assemblyman Juan Vargas, D-San Diego, contended the bill's opponents were motivated by "such hatred, such vehemence against these people that we cannot trust on the road. Yet we entrust our parents, our children, our homes to them. We entrust our food to them. We entrust everything to them except for our rights."
I read the article waiting for somebody to inject the racist canard into the issue. I knew I wouldn't get through it all without it being thrown out there. Guess what Juan? The people 'entrusting' their food, children and homes to them are breaking the law too. He's actually arguing that it is racist to not let illegal immigrants the 'right' to drive to their illegal jobs given to them illegally by citizens of the state. It's pathetic and he wants to make it easier for it to happen. Why not go after the people hiring them as well? The ones dodging tax laws and probably minimum wage and labor laws?
There's also another reason and it is only mentioned briefly. The passage of this bill would assure the registration of a lot of voters - who aren't legally allowed to vote. The motor voter law passed in 1994 was an open invitation for voter fraud and this would merely exacerbate that problem.
This is a poor bill, but it seems now that Gray Davis is going to sign it after having vetoed it twice. I wouldn't expect anything else from such a slug.
Top 10 Things Overheard at President Bush's Labor Day Barbecue
"After 35 days of vacation, I think I've earned a day off."
"Secret Service! Cheney's headed for the pork ribs!"
"It's true that we haven't found any relish yet, but we believe it exists and we will continue to search for it."
"What a great idea to use Camp X-Ray detainees as waiters."
"Check out my hilarious 'Commander-N-Chef' apron!"
These hot dogs are so good, they make me want to invade Frankfurt!"
"I still can't believe that moron's president"
"Who made this potato salad -- Chemical Ali?"
"A toast to all the American taxpayers who paid for this spread."
And finally......
"Laura, honey, am I on fire again?"
This just isn't right. Beer accoutrements are nachos and chips and other salty, crunchy snacks. Ice cream accoutrements are flambéd. Beer is not meant to be flambéd and ice cream is not meant to substitute for a Cool Ranch Dorito.
And it was ever thus, and ever shall be.
Cheap thrills, amusement and very cute kitties found on my daily blog surf:
Oliver Willis comments on the resurfacing of Alan Keyes, "Mr. Mosh Pit," and favours a Sharpton-Keyes debate. Oh the vision.
Tom Burka lets us in on the activities at Camp Wachmeebeeyaliberal.
Scott Ott informs us that Bush is considering inviting the UN into Iraq in order to solidify his "record as the greatest Democrat ever to occupy the White House." I like it.
Meryl Yourish announces her new standards for a husband.
Mr. Helpful continues on the trail of the WMDs by channelling the Stark Trek crew as Spock insists Jim accompany him to the Jerry Springer Show. Yes, it makes sense...after all, would someone so helpful lead us astray?
One little Iraqi baby being named "George Bush" was hailed far and wide as proof that the invasion was a popular one. TBOGG has the more likely interpretation.
Longmire re-designs romance novel covers.
And last, but never least, the ever-adorable Inkblot and Jasmine will make everyone in the world except a true cat-hater smile.
SK Bubba reports on O'Reilly's blockbuster....and it's just who I expected.
Update: Best comment of the day from MIB: "Ann Coulter will blame it on the liberals in her new book, "Sabotage".
Be very afraid....Mr. Helpful has been channeling William Shatner lately, and I've learned entirely TMI about the entire crew of the Enterprise. But the latest revelations are stunning....the WMDs have finally been located!
It's all very funny....go read the entire series.
Holy crap...it's open season on Bigfoot in Knoxville. And here I thought Bigfoot was singular and died and was buried in a grave somewhere in Ohio (from one of the many internet news sources).
And it has to be true...why, they've quoted a bureaucrat who explains that there's a season and licenses and everything.
(Via SK Bubba).
Wandering moose hit by semi-trailerREGINA - RCMP say no people were hurt, but 3 moose died when they were struck by a semi-trailer about 30 kilometres west of Regina last night.
Finally, the skinny from the left AND the right.
First up, Scott Ott, one of the funniest people in the consrvative blogosphere:
Bush Admits He Lied About Iraq-Niger Nuke Deal(2003-07-15) -- U.S. President George Bush admitted today that he knew his State of the Union address contained false intelligence about Saddam Hussein's attempts to buy uranium from Niger.
"When I was giving the speech, I almost tripped on those 16 words about the uranium," said Mr. Bush. "I knew it was a big, fat lie and it was hard to say it with a straight face."
The President said it never occurred to him, or his advisors, that the claim would be investigated by journalists, or that insiders at the CIA and White House might leak the story to reporters.
"When this whole shebang just blew up in my face," he said, "I asked Ari Fleischer, 'When did the news media suddenly get so suspicious and nosy?'"
Mr. Bush said he regrets the lie "mostly because the Niger uranium deal was the only good reason we had for deposing Saddam Hussein. Now, people will know that we just went in to capture the Iraqi oil."
And now Tom Burka, one of the funniest people in liberal Blogtopia:
"Opinions You Should Have" Responsible For White House Misstatements; Sincerely Regret Misleading Our Great LeaderWhile CIA Director George Tenet has bravely stepped forward to protect us, the staff at Opinions You Should Have must finally reveal that we encouraged the President to tell the American people that Saddam Hussein had sought to purchase uranium from Africa.
We regret our misguided judgment. Our enthuiasm for the word "yellowcake" completely blinded us to the wrongfulness of making a false statement to the American people.
Our excitement and delight at discovering that there was such a thing as "yellowcake" uranium was so great that we decided to ignore the fact that the Niger documents we were examining were forged. It is with great sadness that we admit we were too busy saying "yellowcake uranium -- that is too cool" to properly advise the President of the blatant inaccuracy of his statement in the State of the Union address.
We also are greatly saddened by our decision to preface the false statement with "the British government has learned" in order to shield the President from any blame for its untruthfulness. We were wrong.
While we appreciate Mr. Tenet's fine, friendly and courageous act, we are happy to clear him from any wrongdoing. We are greatly sorry that our judgment was flawed, although we must remind the public that our error has introduced the phrase "yellowcake uranium" into the public lexicon, a fact for which we must all be grateful.
Moreover, while the purchase of our new H2 Hummer stretch limo with full wet bar, hot tub, and plasma screen television coincides with the release of this statement, the British government has learned that it is entirely untrue that the staff of Opinions You Should Have received a large monetary benefit, among other things, in exchange for our story here today.
Mr. Cranky has his review of the latest from Ahhnold:
This time the antagonist is the female T-X (Kristanna Loken), who can not only rip the arms off even the strongest grizzly bear, but looks good doing it in heels.This is precisely the problem with "T3." Robert Patrick was a far more menacing foe in "T2," not because he was necessarily more lethal, but because most of the males who flock to these sorts of movies weren't distracted by an overwhelming desire to sleep with him.
Sadly, director Jonathan ("U-571") Mostow has turned Arnold into a joke machine. He lets loose more good cracks than a legion of fat plumbers. With one sexy Terminator and one comic one, the next thing up for the series might be a Saturday morning cartoon.
That's some visual about the plumbers.
Dusty Baker is concerned about the President's trip to Africa.
From MSNBC's Weird News:
Least Competent CriminalsPolice in Scotia, N.Y., arrested Malinda Kelly in March on several charges but only after they had scurried around for several hours trying to find her "stolen" car and her 3-month-old son, who was inside. The next day, Kelly's story fell apart. Actually, said police, she had forgotten where she had left the car, which was idling, with the child inside, while she ran down the street to burglarize her uncle's home. (She came away with some money, but meanwhile lost her own money when a stranger took her purse from the idling car.) [Albany Times Union, 3-23-03, 3-25-03]
Classic.
Tom Burka has the definitive word on American reaction to the charge that Blair "sexed-up" a dossier that supported the invasion of Iraq. The highlight: "Bush said, "I know the British are kinky, but they're not that kinky."
Go to Google and enter the following search criteria:
weapons of mass destruction
But DON'T hit the search button. Click on the 'I'm Feeling Lucky' button and enjoy.
Who knew! Four hundred years ago, the Dutch engineered the carrot so that it lost its original purple colour and assumed the national colour of the Dutch, which of course is orange.
If that's the case, and given the fact that Americans consider themselves tops in all things scientific, I would like to know why the Smoky Mountains are still green and not orange.
Moxiepop says the book publishers are doing it as well.
The headline for this story reads like something from 'The Onion.'
Barry Manilow walks into wall, breaks nose
He apparently made a wrong turn:
Veteran singer-songwriter Barry Manilow, recently waking up disoriented in the middle of the night, walked into a wall and broke his nose, knocking himself unconscious, the entertainer disclosed Tuesday.The accident occurred at his home in the desert resort of Palm Springs, Calif., just after Manilow had returned from a two-week stay in the seaside town of Malibu, where he was producing an upcoming album for his old boss, Bette Midler.
Roused from a sound sleep thinking he was still in Malibu, Manilow got up and “veered to the left instead of the right and slammed right into the wall,” he said in a statement released by his management company, Stiletto Entertainment.
It's comical.
George and Tony have finally found the WMDs!
Today, President Bush announced that he had found WMD in his left pants pocket during a dinner with Tony Blair but that they had misplaced them during dessert and a really fine cup of coffee. The WMD, which Bush swears was discovered somewhere in Iraq and relayed to him by somebody, were almost certainly there when dinner started, although Bush said, "They could be in my other suit."Tom Burka has the rest of the story.
Now the classification of matters related to pie-eating is a science that I can understand:
1. The Pierarchy is to be used to determine which of two available pies to eat.
1a. The Pierarchy is not meant to deal with pies containing meat due to the fact that I don't ever have to deal with pies containing meat. Pot pies do not require the Pierarchy since there are rarely a variety of pot pies available.
2. In the case of only one pie being offered, that pie should be eaten based on the fact that it is pie.
3. A pie which has some sort of nut as a main component of its filling is placed at the bottom of the Pierarchy.
4. A pie which has cream as a main component of its filling is the next closest to the bottom of the Pierarchy.
5. The remaining pies are ordered based on the average height at which the main filling component grows above the ground. The closer that the main filling component is to heaven, the higher the pie is placed on the Pierarchy. Thus, ground dwelling fruits (e.g. pumpkins) are lower than shrub dwelling fruits (e.g. blueberry), which are themselves lower than tree dwelling fruits (e.g. apples).
6. In the case of two pies being at the same level in the Pierarchy, both pies should be eaten.
(Via comments at Calpundit)
It's difficult running a point-counterpoint blog when the point person is MIA. But, like a true liberal, I realized that I could indeed do the job of both and ensure some balance here while Jay is off being a Guy of Leisure.
Today's inaugural Balanced BloggingTM is from Frank J.'s edifying "Frank Answers" series, wherein Frank answers all the questions Dr. Science and God are scared to touch. Today, someone asked, "Frank, why do liberals exist?"
Frank responded:
Just as there is a God and there is Satan, just as there is good and there is evil, just as there is happiness and there is misery, there are those who bathe regularly, have basic common sense, and aren't whiny little bitches and there are Liberals.And thus there ever will be Liberals, and our fight against them is never ending. Battles can be fought and won, but the war itself will never be over and can only be lost by us giving up the fight. Thus we must battle on every day in every action for the just cause, and take our pleasure not in our progress towards an ultimate victory, but in the fight itself.
Hey, who can't agree with that!
Time for a look at the real news:
The Weekly World News reports that SARS has been linked to OBL!
U.S. intelligence sources confirm the discovery of a detailed plan to create a "new designer virus" found on a laptop computer seized in the hideout of captured Al Qaeda No. 2 man Khalid Shaikh Mohammed earlier this year. "The plan describes the virus as a genetically altered version of the coronavirus -- which researchers have now identified as the cause of SARS," reveals a CIA source.I sure hope Batboy is wearing his mask.
The National Inquirer reveals that a secret witness saw Scott with Laci's body! No juicy details though....it's all in the Friday edition. Damn them....how can I wait.
And The Best Tabloid in the Universe, The Star, the one you can trust because it always tells the truth, has a tear-jerker with Steve Martin in which he shares his pain of not being married. It seems it's hard to find "the right person"....no doubt that's why he and his Hollywood pals try it six, seven, eight times. In the meantime, maybe Steve could go to London and be a friend to lonely Madonna.
Will the world ever be really safe again?
The infamous Colonel Mustard, chief of Iraq's chemical weapons program and a suspect in a number of killings in ballrooms, libraries, studies, and conservatories all over the world, remains unapprehended, although it is rumored that a lead pipe and a candlestick were found suspiciously near a knife, pistol and rope in a secret passageway connecting two rooms in one of Baghdad's Presidential Palaces.
Tom Burka has the rest of the skinny.
While the U.S. legal profession debates tort reform issues, our good friends are asking a more important question, "Will I be wearing my wig the next time I go into court?"
Dick Cheney may be out of sight, but he has a definite eye for Presidential PR:
President Bush decided to arrive by jet at the suggestion of Dick Cheney, who said, "You'll be o.k. as long as you keep your privates covered." Cheney has also suggested that, for future press conferences, national addresses and pubic appearances, the President should:
* jump a motorcycle over ten schoolbuses through a flaming hoop onto a podium;
* strap himself to a stealth fighter which releases him just in time for hm to hang glide down into a narrow canyon to land on a dime taped to the floor behind a microphone located in the safe zone of a platform otherwise covered with ten foot tall razor-sharp spikes;
* walk across a tightrope strung between the United Nations and the Empire State Building during a windstorm while carrying two heavy briefcases and balancing a copy of the White House budget on his head;
and *take the place of the football during the opening kick of the next Superbowl game.
The rest of the skinny can be found at Tom Burka's very funny blog.
Krispy Kreme is soon to sully my very own province.
Well, guess what, KK. Tim Horton's will kick your sorry US grease-laden capitalist butt any day. Here in the cradle of socialism, it's "I'll have a dutchie and a double double." As it should be.
It's Career Day at IMAO and Frank has the skinny on what happened when Laura Bush took hubby, Tommy D., and other government noteworthies to a Grade One Career Day in an unnamed school.
Warning: this is not for delicate eyes. An excerpt:
"Anyway, children, I am a U.S. Senator. I help vote for what becomes our laws." "You're a devil man!" screamed one child.
Wait til you see what Bush and the marine told them.
I can hear you all now: "No way!" "As IF!"
Yes, Fred has discovered the top fifteen lefty country song titles, and I for one can't wait for the compilation CD:
My Wife Turned Right, So I Done Left
Stand by Your Domestic Partner of Non-Specific Gender and Sexual Orientation
Don't It Make My Green Party Blue
You're All I Have Left 'Cause They Done Took All My Rights
Tree-Hugger's Daughter
Sittin' Tall in This Genuine Vinyl No-Cattle-Were-Harmed-in-the-Manufacture-of Saddle
Ninety Miles From Berkeley and My 'Lectric Car Done Died
All My Exes Live in California Old-Growth Trees
D-I-V-E-R-S-I-T-Y
There's WMD on Your Lips but OIL in Your Eyes
Even Socialized Medicine Can't Fix My Broken Heart
Achy-Bleedy Heart
Sit Closer to Me in My Truck, Darlin', 'Cause I Don't Like Leanin' to the Right
I Beg Your Pardon (I Never Promised You an Organic Soybean Garden) and the Number 1 Leftist Country-Western Song Title...
I Done Cried My Eyes Dryly ('Cause Mah Baby Left Me for O'Reilly)
ScrappleFace celebrates with Saddam: "Saddam Hussein celebrated his 66th birthday today with the traditional cake and ice cream with friends and family. The surprise party, organized by one of his wives, came as quite a shock to Mr. Hussein. "When we jumped out from behind the chemical drums and shouted 'Surprise!', Saddam just fainted dead away," said an unnamed wife."
Tom Burka has the skinny on proposed Hollywood film treatments to combat SARS: "George Lucas proposed naming the initiative "SARS Wars," and said that, with some luck, they could "drag the thing out" for a good twenty to twenty-five years, turning it into "a surefire franchise." "The merchandising possibilities alone are staggering," he added."
Hmmm...I'm sorry Roman Polanski was unable to attend, Tom.
And over at IMAO, it appears Bush is still stuck with the Mexican...and Cheney is still MIA: "Man, where could Dick be? If it gets out I lost the VP, you just know there is going to be more of those 'Bush is dumb' jokes."
"Si, senor. I just came up with one myself."
The Penagon gets creative in its search for WMDs.
Via CalPundit.
Top Reasons I Am Proud To Be An American (presented by the 622nd Movement Control Team from Fort Eustis, Virginia):
10. Besides Switzerland, we're the only country to have a cheese named after us
9. We have 49 awesome states...and Delaware
8. All our great presidents have been American
7. I don't see Yao Ming playing basketball in Belgium
6. Our flag is one of the stripiest
5. America has more Regises per capita than any other nation on earth
4. If the French don't like us, we must be doing something right
3. Slurpees
2. You'll notice the U.S. judges on 'American Idol' are very polite. The British one's the jerk
1. It's where all my stuff is
CNN is reporting that the 'Blogfather', Glenn Reynolds has joined Dick Cheney, Fidel Castro, and Bob Hope up above.
"Drop that cross one more time and you're out of the parade."
Tom Burka exposes the truth behind The Daily Rant:
Jay and Jane Discovered to Be One Guy Constantly Arguing With Self
The net personalities “Jay Caruso” and “Jane Finch” have been revealed to be a woman in Pocatello, Idaho who makes bumper stickers for the blind.
Business had never been brisk, and to fill the time, Wanda Mercantile took to talking to herself in her one-woman office. The talks became disagreements, and eventually outright debates. She installed two podiums in her office and moved back and forth between each; some days she wore out three pairs of sneakers.
Her debates were passionate and fiercely argued—so fierce that one day she actually came to blows with herself and knocked herself out. At the local emergency room, she told doctors boastfully, “You should have seen the other guy.”
Therapy led her to create a website where she continued her arguments in a more structured context.
Psychologist Ina Lundquist said, “Bjorn ja hilfen kajorin flub.” Unfortunately, translators were unavailable at press time.
I thought this story was kind of funny even though it does really amount to theft.
Why this will work is that most cashiers don't bother to examine what price comes up on an item when they are scanning it. A brand new DVD player could come up with a price of $2.13 and they wouldn't give it a second look.
It's even better when they pretend to match up your signature to that on the back of the one on the credit card. They look at it as though they are examining closely, but you could sign the receipt 'Santa Claus' and they'd hand it back with a smile.
Andy provides some excellent advice on getting back in shape and bathroom habits (yes, they are connected).
Tom Burka slays me....he could the left's answer to ScrappleFace. A sample entry:
"Yesterday, in an attempt to assist U.S. solidiers in the efforts to identify members of Saddam Hussein's regime, the Military issued a deck of cards featuring Iraqi officials. That deck contained 55 cards, and featured pictures of Qusay Hussein (as the Ace of Clubs) and Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz (the Eight of Clubs).
Today, however, soldiers who were confused about decks of cards they had in their posession mistakenly shot the King of Hearts, who they claimed "failed to respond to repeated requests to take off his crown." In other of areas of Iraq, the Queen of Hearts was discovered making some tarts, and immediately placed in custody. The Jack of Diamonds evaded capture after a lengthy chase by coalition forces.
When contacted, the Bicycle Corporation had no explanation why so many members of their decks were present in Iraq, but bemoaned the accidents and threatened legal action. "This is a terrible tragedy for card players all over the world," said Fred Bazillionaire, chief spokesman for the Bicycle Corporation. Officers of the Bicycle and Bee Corporations were considering filing wrongful death suits, but could not, at press time, decide who would lead and which suit would be trump.
The incidents have affected games everywhere. Terry Hinkle, President of the Hearts Gaming Club of America, complained, "The Jack of Diamonds is now impossible to get. He just doesn't show up in any hand. That's -10 points that I personally could pick up in pretty much every round I ever played. If only they had taken out the Queen of Spades."
In an unrelated story, Pfc. Norman Ishkowitz, who had been on something of a "lucky roll," was shaken upside down until his pockets were emptied after a poker game with members of his platoon in which he was discovered to have two Saddams and an extra Uday hidden in his cargo pants.
Tariq Aziz, in Secret Communication, Complains He "Should Have Been a Face Card".
Details to follow suit."
There's lots more at his blog.
Good stuff
Our American troops say one of the biggest problems in Iraq is trying to tell whose side some people are on. Yeah, like Peter Arnett and Geraldo Rivera!Did you hear about this? Today NBC fired pinhead Peter Arnett. He gave an interview on Iraqi television criticizing the U.S. military and saying our battle plan was all wrong. The good news is, after he said that, today he was given an honorary Oscar.
Happy birthday to Al Gore. Al Gore is 55. Although Florida counted and only got 48.
Gore got a birthday card from President Bush. It said, "Wish you were here."
In London, you know who's launching a music career? Osama bin Laden's niece. I guess the Dixie Chicks have an opening act now.
You hear about this? Connie Chung got fired. CNN fired her. It was cruel how she found out. She was watching Fox News.
Arkansas now has its very first Starbuck's. Or, as the people of Arkansas call it -- "Shock and Awe."
If Fox News reported on other historical events....hysterical!
Via Oliver Willis who understands "funny".
Rich has a very clever and funny photoessay....the French Raspberry Beret alone is worth a look.
Via SK Bubba, who also has some astounding April 1 news on Saddam and Geraldo.
Or at the very least feeling old when you hear Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, and Guns N Roses being played on the 'classic' rock stations.....
Verizon is designing a new ad for their 'Can You Hear Me Now?' campaign. The work in progress can be seen here first at The Daily Rant:
....one peanut butter sandwich at a time.
A stolen peanut butter sandwich has become a federal case. When Des Moines International Airport worker Christine Woods discovered that her lunch (valued at one dollar) had been pinched Monday, she actually called the police. After a brief investigation, Iowa cops filed the below report, and forwarded the case to the federal Transportation Security Administration, which guards the nation's airports.
I feel secure now.
Jane has her license plate, so I had to do one as well:
I got the same rating as Acidman in this. I can only conclude that underneath his rough exterior, he's just a pinko girly bleeding heart who most identifies with France.
How evil are you?
This made me laugh.
SUNDAY
7:30 - My 33 Sons
8:00 - Osama Knows Best
8:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - The Kabul Hillbillies
MONDAY
7:00 - Husseinfeld
7:30 - Mad About Everything
8:00 - Monday Night Stoning
8:30 - Win Bin Laden's Money
9:00 - Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
7:30 - Wheel of Terror
8:00 - The Price is Right if Osama Says It's Right
8:30 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:00 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
9:30 - Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAY
7:00 - Beat the Press
8:00 - When Kurds Attack
8:30 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:00 - Just Shoot Everyone
9:30 - Veilwatch
THURSDAY
7:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
7:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
8:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
8:30 - Married with 139 Children
9:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
FRIDAY
7:00 - Judge Saddam
7:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
8:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire
8:30 - Cave and Garden Television
9:00 - No Witness Left Alive News
SATURDAY
8:00 - Spongebob Squareturban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are you?
Dell pitchman arrested for pot possession.
Sekimori has something to say to Ben Affleck about his impending disaster marriage to Jennifer Lopez. I love this part:
Doesn't her track record with men bother you in the least? Two marriages, neither lasting longer than two years. And, Jeebus Fartangle Mariposa in a rickshaw, sloppy seconds from Poof Doodle, or whatever he's calling himself these days? Have some self-respect, man!
Link via Mr. Green.
Check out Laurence Simon's new lyrics he penned for Madonna.
Conservatives are often accused of having no sense of humor, and for some it is true. But on the liberal side, I'll bet somebody $50 that Joe Conason's face would crack like a broken mirror if he ever laughed.
The following is just too funny.
If somebody had told me 5-10 years ago that Ozzy Osbourne would one day be doing Pepsi commercials with Donny Osmond, Marie Osmond and Florence Henderson, I'd have laughed in their face.
Sometimes the best stories are the ones that will not make it to the New York Times or the Washington Post. This is from the Flagler Times:
A Farragut Drive resident returning home from a vacation found a pair of men's underwear and some cigarettes in her house. Nothing seemed to be disturbed however, and no items were missing.
I'll let you, dear readers, have fun with that.
Many years ago, I watched the Lawrence Welk Hour for the comedy value. Now I read Brent Bozell.
Today Brent is upset at beer ads because they're in "bad taste". Guys, bimbos and beer....gee, there's a novel concept. Where's this guy been for the last three tv decades?
But he, man that he is, can handle it...he's worried "for the children."
Budweiser is airing an ad where a new boyfriend and girlfriend are watching the big game. She's wearing only an old oversized sweatshirt that she says belonged to an old boyfriend. He asks why she won't wear one of his sweatshirts instead. She says that bigger just feels better. He looks uncomfortable. How many ways can that be interpreted? At least this one might go over the heads of some younger ones.
Brent, you dirty, dirty old man! Turn off that television.
And it's not just beer....Pepsi is evil too:
Not every new commercial relies on nudity or sexual themes to plug the product. Take Pepsi, whose last prominent campaign tweaked viewers by suggesting septuagenarian Bob Dole was taking an unhealthy fancy to teen-pop sex kitten Britney Spears. Their new Super Bowl commercial will feature Ozzy Osbourne and his kids, Jack and Kelly, advertising Pepsi Twist. Jack and Kelly "twist" into Donny and Marie Osmond, much to Ozzy's horror. Ozzy then wakes up to reveal this nightmare to wife Sharon, except she's now "Brady Bunch" mom Florence Henderson.You'd like to think that this is a blow in favor of traditional values -- see the foul-mouthed metalhead have a nightmare instead of providing one. But you know instinctively that Pepsi's ad team is really ridiculing Donny and Marie and Florence as has-beens of hoary wholesomeness. The joke's on them.
Brent's the only guy left in America who doesn't know that Donny, Marie and Florence are old has-beens (as is Ozzy, but I digress).
I do like that expression "hoary wholesomeness"...alhtough I doubt Brent sees the humour value in that, either.
UPDATE: Oliver Willis is going straight to hell for calling the Miller catfight ad the greatest ever. Probably lets that poor innocent puppy watch it too.
The Rocky Top Brigade is jostling for the remaining bread and milk at Kroger's. Laurence Simon had to bring Rufus in because it's going to be below freezing for eleven or so hours (hours!).
Well, when the going gets tough.....(degrees are in Fahrenheit)
50 above - New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.
40 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.
35 above - Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
20 above - Georgians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on T-shirts.
15 above - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.
0 - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
10 below - People in Nashville cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles.
20 below - South Texans fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos.
60 below - Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door.
80 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
100 below - Santa Clause abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
173 below - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
287 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold nuf for ya, eh?"
500 below - Hell freezes over. The Vancouver Canucks win the Stanley Cup!
I had no idea that this old Scottish snowman-making tradition existed.
That explains all the Krogers runs I've heard about whenever there's a prediction of a flake or two south of the M-D line.
Soundbitten comes up with a great addition to Ted Barlow's lightbulb joke series:
Q: How many John Lotts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I had Lott for classes when he was on the faculty at the Wharton
Business School at the University of Pennsylvania, and I watched him screw in light bulbs on many occasions. It was very interesting to watch, and Lott screws in light bulbs very well. Unlike other light-bulb screwers, Professor Lott uses all the FBI data that is available. No wonder the Democrats don't want anyone else to see his methods. He didn't just light up my life - I truly believed he saved it.
-- Mary Rosh (maryrosh@aol.com)
Via Ted Barlow, the lightbulb joke master.
I'm now a member of the Rocky Top (two words, one glorious anthem) Brigade!
Okay, sure I live a few miles north of Tennessee. And I have no southern roots. And "fly patterns" and "field load" are exotic foreign expressions. And I've never been to Dollywood.
But, dammit, I have a UT Volunteers shower curtain. And a cat named Phil. And I know that Spurrier is the Antichrist. And I'm ready, willing and able to do the necessary research to find a good bottle of single malt for around $20 USD.
I just have one thing to say regarding SKB's unkind comments re Canadian World Domination: when you see that giant trojan moon pie on the horizon, it's all over but the surrender of the Jack Daniels reserves.
Every day I thank townhall.com for delivering a handy list of commentary to my inbox. Otherwise, I'd miss gems like this one from Paul Craig Roberts that rivals the best lefty-conspiracy rants.
He's predicting that America will become a third world country because of the US government and Walmart.
With persuasive arguments like this, how could I disagree:
The U.S. government is replete with hatred of everyone who sticks up for the rights of citizenship. The government steadfastly refuses to defend our borders. It is more important, says the government, to have cheap household help for elites, and an abundance of fast food workers to keep down the minimum wage, than it is to defend our country's borders.
Or, how about:
If Wal-Mart has its way, nothing will be produced in America. The retailing giant wraps itself in the American flag, but it gives its suppliers price targets. Suppliers find that in order to meet the targets, they must move production offshore.
Yes! Companies don't move offshore to increase their own profits...it's Walmart's plan. Companies and agri-businesses don't hire illegals....it's the US government's plan.
Roberts has inspired me...I"m already starting the penny collection to send south when the US achieves Third World status.
I took this cool test from Wild Monk on attitudes towards war in Iraq, via Oxblog ( and via Bill Quick).
I scored 51, making me just slightly Centre-Right. I'm calling the state deprogrammers right away.
And I got 9 in rationality.
Insert eye rolling smiley here.
David Horowitz calls antiwar demonstrators "the enemy within" in his screed "America Under Siege". Yeah, yeah, David....life sucks in a country with a first amendment.
I don't get it. If Reagan ended the Cold War, and the end of Communism except for China and Cuba and a couple of no-name countries, then how did it come to pass that the USA still has 200,000 Commies ready to destroy it at the drop of a protest sign? And look how clever they were...they waited from 1988 to now to show their ugly, satanic faces.
No wonder the far right is constantly marginalized by the mainstream.
Since there are those who accuse supporters of the administration of wanting war, I have decided to throw a "We Want War!" party at my house.
Once we find out the invasion begins, we'll have a champagne toast followed by heartfelt renditions of "For He's (or She's) A Jolly Good Fellow" every time we lose one of our troops in battle. 'War For Oil!' pins will be available to everybody.
We'll have games like "Pin The Warmonger Label On The Bush", as well as the "Racist Warlover" version of Trivial Pursuit which features questions like, "How many Iraqi civilians were murdered by the Bush/Cheney Nazi machine?" They'll be drinking games as well (Michele will head that department up). We'll also play a new game called, "How Far Is Sean Penn's Nose Up Saddam Hussein's Ass?"
No music other than jingoist, imperialistic chest beating "I Love America" songs will be played. However, there will be a session of CD burning when we torch all of Sheryl Crow's albums while chanting, "WAR IS THE ANSWER! WAR IS THE ANSWER!"
If you have any other ideas on how we can make this party really kick, let me know.
I hope to see you soon!
Via Tom Scott, (he posted in the comments section - he has a good blog. Check it out.) I found this article written by a guy who had some fun at the expense of anti-war protestors in Seattle. Excerpt:
This ad lib performance has me smiling. I've found a formula that I like, and so I try it out again a few blocks away on a group of young girls with antiwar Greenpeace-type stickers all over them. "Hey chicks? Do you dames know where I can find a pro-Saddam rally?"They respond (no kidding): "Uh, I don't know. We just came from one. I think there's something at Garfield High School or something."
"Oh, OK." I hold up my fist again: "End women's suffrage!"
They respond with smiles: "Peace! See ya."
Read the rest.
"Sneezy Becomes 7th Democratic Presidential Candidate", announces Scott Ott at ScrappleFace. Scott notes that "Although he has been out of the public eye for some years, his name recognition exceeds that of the other six contenders combined."
I love it.
Ted Barlow is commenting this week in the form of lightbulb jokes. It's very witty and well worth the read.
The following are real names of some people who work for one of our clients:
Tamakai Booze, Gayle Cocke, Sheri Bobbitt, Angela Massengill
Yikes. Those are as bad as the race car driver, Dick Trickle.
Chris Berman from ESPN would have a field day with those names.
The Political Pulpit points out that the Bush administration granted nuclear-related cash to North Korea in April 2002.
I doubt Rush and the folks read the BBC news; no wonder they're blaming Clinton.
James Lileks has declared today Canadian Appreciation Day and provides a recipe for one of those godawful mixed girlie drinks that could make a person swear off alcohol forever.
I'd prefer you appreciate me by sending me a fabby red from Sonoma County. Simple. Uncluttered. Patriotic.
Jane's side of how she came to join the Daily Rant is here.
There's regular blogging. You've probably heard that some people are video blogging and now we have a new form: