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[03 Nov 2003|06:01pm] |
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mood |
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craving |
] |
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music |
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grapes |
] |
Mmmph. Tired and lonely; not enough energy to go home. I'm feeling nostalgic and I'm not sure why.
Every day is a new world and every minute I am reborn. My days are long...sing, smile, play, teach, work, laugh, work, support, write. I've realized that there is something inside me that won't let me stop. It won't let me be the most important thing to me. This somehow has an inverse effect at the same time and makes me into an occasionally selfish and jealous person, but in a secret way. Great, so I'm a massochistic secretive drama queen.
Well, at least I realize it and am doing something about it. This year has been sooooo much better in terms of taking care of myself, relaxing, and not stressing out and being paranoid. I'm not as crazy as I sound, I promise...
Now I just have to invent a machine which will instantly transport me home and everything will be fine. Oh, and if it could do my laundry for me too, that would be great.
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| Harvest Concerto |
[29 Oct 2003|09:20pm] |
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mood |
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santa cruz |
] |
| [ |
music |
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evening |
] |
I wish to remain
in your glances
sweet summer glances
early eyebrows
and curled lips
I wish to sleep
in her hands
smelling of nice boys
and salsa mint
falling in the cracks
I wish to roll
in the crevices of your bed
while waiting for nothing
and tumbling with your sighs
everything included
and nothing left
to Want
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[19 Oct 2003|09:45pm] |
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mood |
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I love |
] |
| [ |
music |
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all |
] |
Well, I seemed to have dropped off the face of the lj earth. Ah well, that's what happens when you sell your shitty computer for $70 because you're desperate...
Busy as always...missing things that I've dropped along the way. Pondering my future and clutching to the now. Singing is better than it's always been, because for the first time I'm doing it for the sake of art, for communication, and for me. And for nothing else. I'm trying to live like that, too, but it's a challenge.
In between the chaos and the apathy, I love you.
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[23 Aug 2003|03:57pm] |
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mood |
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in between |
] |
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music |
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a cat rolling in the dust |
] |
I think that my left breast should be the next governor of California.
In other news, I love my brother and sister. They are all grown up and it's scary. My mother drives me crazy, but what else is new. Tired and shaky and pondering the concept of 'home' and waiting for my life to start again, this time everything has changed. But in general, things are looking up.
...tu me manque, mon petit lapin
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| this is a poem |
[22 Aug 2003|01:07am] |
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mood |
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cleavage |
] |
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music |
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betty, when you call me you can call me al |
] |
I see you flashing through the trees
Startling and inescapable
Like the driving bass
Of a lovesick rock song
Silently, you smile your brightness at me
Shining through the tangled web
Of dark forest which separates us
I feel as though I could sail on your mist
Glide over the black icicles
to be consumed by your celestial embrace
But I am trapped between the double-yellow lines
And my own elaborate cell
Of fear
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[19 Aug 2003|11:32am] |
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mood |
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not as hippy as I want to be |
] |
| [ |
music |
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don't want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard |
] |
IU is beautiful, but as Matt pointed out, it may be a little too "stodgy and east coast" for me. I am, however, definitely considering it for grad school if only for its beauty and amazing music department.
Oh yeah, and I'm feeling much better now. Thank you to Lizzy for bringing me back to the reality of my santa cruz bubble.
My main problem right now is needing acceptance. Well, no, that's an understatement. I really would like people to worship me. I'm not sure why I need this right now, and I'm afraid if I talk about it anymore I will say something I'll regret. It's not that I'm insecure, because in my humble opinion, I am quite worthy of being worshipped. Yeah, like that. Ok now I really won't talk about it anymore.
That's actually not really my 'main problem' anyway. The real problem is something that I don't think I'm capable of articulating, and don't care to try right now anyway.
Well shit. In all my attempts to depart from my normally vague and poetic posts, I have thoroughly confused myself, and most likely others as well. I feel the need to advertise myself, but I've done that already. Please see bio.
I'm now off to be delivered back to the conservatively crossed arms of my patiently waiting family to be inundated once again with questions concerning my future and the latest goings-on of my someone-twice-removed as well as the latest sports headlines. I love my family.
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| not a cry for help |
[17 Aug 2003|11:03pm] |
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mood |
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ohshitohshitohshit |
] |
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music |
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eye of the storm |
] |
(no
i'm really not
ok)
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[17 Aug 2003|10:40pm] |
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mood |
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alone |
] |
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music |
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alone |
] |
Becca update: if you talk to me during the day, I'm fine. Cheery even. But at night everything I'm running from catches up with me and hits me hard. I can't sleep and everything seems meaningless. Almost everything.
On the east coast, everything is a little more sunken. Everyone is just a little more trapped. The air is heavier and the ground moves when I walk. But this is what I wanted; to stop running and see what would come to me. To see what the world is like outside my bubble; to see what is true for me outside of the context of the complexity I wrap myself in. Now I know the truth. But I am surrounded by lies.
What if I cracked. What if I gave up my precarious balancing act. What if I let you down. Would you understand? Could you forgive me?
...Don't answer that. I don't want to need it.
I miss you.
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| ...help? |
[31 Jul 2003|12:00am] |
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mood |
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withdrawn |
] |
| [ |
music |
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adam - guitar |
] |
Hmm. How do you lj cut? I used to know.
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[29 Jul 2003|09:37pm] |
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mood |
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cookie dough and white wine |
] |
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music |
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a recipe for success |
] |
This morning, sifting through the remnants of my former life which have found a home in my small red car, I made a remarkable discovery. A tall wax candle in a cylindrical glass container had been left on its side in the sun, and the bright green wax had poured out halfway and attached itself to my hair dryer. I detached the wax and found that, if placed upright, it looked as though a small green monster was reaching its gooey hand out of a replica of a sewage pipe.
This proved to be a metaphor for the day to come; riotously amusing and absurd at first, but, in the end, not very pretty.
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[21 Jul 2003|04:08pm] |
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mood |
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too much life |
] |
| [ |
music |
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not enough sleep |
] |
Splotches of my hair have now faded to the color of cotton candy, and I'm wondering if I should bleach it back. I kind of enjoy emoting a soft hippy aura, or at least I'd like to think that's the effect I have. The hair, slightly more dangly jewelery, plus the henna tattoo Lea gave me have projected me into the category of mellow elegant nature hippy. More on the various categories of hippy to come.
In other news, Lizzy and I baked the best apple pie ever, I got paid for singing topless, lots of yoga, and my teacher let me take my midterm for the online class I'm taking. I missed it because I've been too busy dancing and singing and having adventures as well as various dramatic moments with the ex and the who knows. who knows who knows who knows...
{To Chris: no, I don't have a cat, but I found a puppy. I'm not quite sure what to do with him, though.}
Also - yes, I am ok. You don't need to tell me anymore. It is for the best, everything will turn out allright, I am living life more now, and all the other various cliches that have been tossed haphazardly in my direction. I know. I appreciate the support. and I am ok.
Come to Union St. cafe's open mike tonight, and you may meet two elegant yoga music hippies who will sing and play and dance and give you hugs.
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| space between |
[21 Jul 2003|02:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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between breaths |
] |
| [ |
music |
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half cadence |
] |
My first time alone in what feels like forever, and I'm doing allright. I talked to my mom this morning and she informed me once again of my inability to deal with being alone, and my dependency on the comfort and interaction that others provide. Thanks mom. I know.
Thinking and planning and changing my mind again. Pre-compositionally pondering, reading, and listening to the Mozart Requiem. I swear, everything I feel and will ever feel is expressed perfectly in this epic work; I can't listen in excess or else I'll get so many goosebumps that I'll turn into a raisin.
Yes, I need my space. Yes I know i know i know. Everyone keeps telling me this, Becca, you need to be single for a while. You need to take some time to yourself. Well, I've taken it, but it's not doing me much good. I know the world is trying to tell me something, and I'm trying to figure out what it is. I have come full circle back to where I started, only this time it's different. This time my sails are up and I have some vague idea where the winds are tossing me.
...if anyone knows where my life went, please let me know. I would gladly accept any help picking up the peices.
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[20 Jul 2003|11:42am] |
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mood |
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overwhelmed |
] |
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music |
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everybody sees the wind blow |
] |
I just wanted to clarify what I was actually talking about in my last post.
Dear Colleagues:
With deep sorrow, I write to inform you of the sudden death this morning of theater arts professor, eminent choreographer and dancer Mel Wong. A complete obituary, details of a possible memorial, and other information are not available at this time, but will be shared as they known.
In the interim, please join me in expressing sympathy to family and friends, as we remember an exceptional artist and teacher.
Sadly,
M.R.C. Greenwood
Sometimes when I'm freaking out I fail in expressing anything effectively. Now I realize that my last post could be interpreted as some weird kinky thing, so yeah. Just wanted to clear things up.
Last night I dedicated my dancing (at the 418 project) to Mel.
That's all I can do, really; just keep dancing.
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[19 Jul 2003|01:32am] |
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mood |
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shocked ... then nothing |
] |
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music |
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touched my arm and smiled |
] |
AH! can't think react sleep need yoga morning post coital tambourines need to do and play but relax but no and NO ONE ELSE IS ALLOWED TO DIE, OK? like that's going to help but nothing will because the world is round it turns me on and all i want to do is fall into sloppy kisses and hendrix and slide slowly down window panes greased with white wine and i'm tired of saying i'm crazy because i'm really painfully sane but cannot accept it.
God I need to sleep. Tomorrow I will dance for him.
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[19 Jul 2003|12:49am] |
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mood |
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sun gets weary |
] |
| [ |
music |
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and the sun goes down |
] |
I'd like to cut the crap, but I think I'd just end up slicing it up into smaller pieces and serving it with crackers and cheese. That and karma shawerma, which has been my favorite dish as of late.
...Now that I think of it, I'd much rather have five generous helpings of unconditional love, and maybe some battered shrimp. Unfortunately I don't know how to prepare either of those dishes.
...
Looking back on my journal, I realized that I really haven't discussed the radical changes in my life lately, except in very generic and obscured terms. Oh well. I'm not going to. I've discussed them enough in my own personal journal, and seeing as they are very personal changes, I feel like that's the only appropriate place to discuss them. Either that or a half-empty coffee house with close friends, or on a park bench with singing homeless santa cruzans.
Instead of addressing any of the muddled issues flying through my brain, I will post a cute poem Lea wrote for me. That's probably much more productive anyway. Yay for Lea!
Hi, I'm Becca
I like singing
I like sailing
I like eggs and
butter
I do not like snails
living in or around
my ears.
I like turtles
I do not like hurting
people or things
I am loved.
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[17 Jul 2003|05:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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wide open |
] |
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music |
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migration |
] |
And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow
...I'm going to Graceland
For reasons I cannot explain
There's some part of me wants to see
Graceland
And I may be obliged to defend
Every love, every ending
Or maybe there's no obligations now
Maybe I've a reason to believe
We all will be received
In Graceland
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[13 Jul 2003|04:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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alternately sad&angry; & amazed |
] |
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music |
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mozart |
] |
How come I haven't noticed how wonderful the first disc of the white album is until now? And why is my hair more like box wine than red wine, as the color claimed to be?
Such are the questions that plague me.
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[10 Jul 2003|10:46am] |
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mood |
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red and blonde |
] |
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music |
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lawn mower |
] |
Dying my hair and wondering if I will ever be released from this cycle of rebellion and weakness, strength and returning, questioning and knowing. I have made my decision. Many times. But the world doesn't seem to accept it (and neither do I).
Just as my horroscope predicted, the penguin of fate vomited in my face and hobbled away.
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[30 Jun 2003|01:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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alive |
] |
| [ |
music |
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birds |
] |
I woke up craving chocolate
and reached for you.
You were smooth and wet
like honey, and I swallowed
your surprising taste and
got drunk from your smell.
Swimming in your dream, I
woke up from my own to find
the sun wide open for me
to fly right into. "Quel
Chance!" I smiled as I
spread my wings; marveling
at the ease with which
I moved. Looking back, I
see you now - wide open
like the sun, dripping
from the heat. Your
honey is leaking all
over. I laugh and
say, "Would you like to
come along?" A knowing
smile and the everlasting
question: "Where-to?"
Another laugh and the
wind has swept you into
my wings and we are
off, gliding with the
sweetness of time under
the blessing of the sun.
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[22 Jun 2003|10:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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none, or other |
] |
I'm ready to be myself again.
...also, I finally gave in and got a cellphone. Email me if you want the number.
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