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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
ianthe's LiveJournal:
| Monday, July 23rd, 2001 | |
| 7:05 pm | i'm a nut and happy late birthday happy happy sinister birthday wishes, though tardy, to juno!!!!!!!!!!! i hope you smeared yourself with birthday cake and ran amuck in the streets. i took this test, and it did not make me feel at all better about myself. Disorder | Rating Paranoid: High Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: High Antisocial: High Borderline: Moderate Histrionic: Very High Narcissistic: Very High Avoidant: High Dependent: Very High Obsessive-Compulsive: High URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html |
| Monday, July 16th, 2001 | |
| 11:23 am | fucking off at work... no boss today, just playing and waiting until 5. tripped unexpectedly saturday night...stayed up and confused myself even further. ah, well... why can't i know what i want? we stayed up all saturday night, leah and i and two of her friends, drinking coffe and other things...good conversation, good company. |
| Wednesday, July 11th, 2001 | |
| 9:39 am | fish and coffee that's what for breakfast!!! i went rapelling last evening wih greg...i didn't look scared, but i was. off this huge rock called pickens nose. i just hung there, from my harness, upsidedown looking at the stars and the lightning in the distance. then we blew up my car. fuck. the dipstick in my car is still a point of contention. i think it is actually fixed now. i hope. we added too much oil and my car sounded baaaad. but we drained it today and fixed it and got the old dipstick to work. victoria, greg's little girl who he finally got back from his loony ex, came too and she had a hell of a time. she kills me. so much has happened...jay, then greg, then jay, then a baby, then no baby, now greg and i are friends again, and jay and i are together. these things are starting to be back to ok. my friend shannon and i are back in touch...i have missed her so. i am trying to be positive about all my choices, especially this last year. it is harder than it used to be, but i also see everything more clearly. i also see that greg was right about so many things about me. i wish i knew how to tell him that. i hope that jay knows all he has done to keep me from the bottom of the sea. i can never repay that. |
| Wednesday, May 23rd, 2001 | |
| 8:26 pm | ... i dreamt that i was in a videogame-like setting that had a goatheadskull sentry and all these freshman kids at the prom. i asked why they were there, since the highschool prom in my town is for the juniors and seniors. the top-ten sophomores act as servers. which is what the kids said they were. but they were freshman. and all the other kids had left already and everyone that remained were waiting for their parents to arrive to pick them up. then i got lost in this big house. mind you, i've been out of highschool for four years. then i dreamt that i was watching the news with my dad, or something, and was amazed at the concentration of news on the national news. then i woke up and realised that i had fell asleep in front of my telly and it was like 4am and headline news was running all the news over and over again. and that i am retarded. i really want to get a big tank and a couple of goldfish. but i want to wait until i move out and won't be moving it. saw shrek last night. it was even better that i thought it would be. |
| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001 | |
| 8:29 pm | alas tonight is the season finale of third rock. this, coupled with the fact that they've already taken off homicide and news radio just goew to prove... THE EXISTENCE OF SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we had a kitty come in the clinic yesterday who had (we think) been hit by a car. the hardware on the collar that he was still wearing was so badly smashed flat that i had to cut the collar off. his jaw is broken, but cleanly, and will heal well. he made it through the night, and pitched a fit to keep him at work as a charity case. now to find the rat a home...he's cool as hell, and if he's made it this far, i'll be goddamned if he's going to die or be put to sleep now. no one wants to go out. they all suck. |
| Monday, May 21st, 2001 | |
| 6:27 pm | ... went to the lake this weekend...listened to j and troy play guitar and watched them drink sake and the rain... i am feeling rambunctious today...hurry up friends, call me quick so we can play |
| Friday, May 18th, 2001 | |
| 10:50 am | i have too much time on my hands apparently, my inner rockstar is bjork. at which i was extremely flattered. Wow, your inner rock star is Bjork. You've charmed the world with your beautiful, zany, personal style. To say you're a member of the alternative set would be a gross understatement. You and Bjork define alternative in its purest form. You've got nothing to prove, it's your remarkably creative point of view that lets you make art from anything—art, music, politics—whatever makes you passionate. It's just who you are. You've got the courage to experiment with your style and career, and all the while remaining positively sweet and humble. You are as much a free spirit as they come. Celebrate your inner Bjork. celebrate your inner dork, is more like it...that's me... |
| 10:30 am | birthday monsters happy birthday, elgorgo!!!!! |
| Wednesday, May 16th, 2001 | |
| 5:53 pm | beautiful pretty good moods lately. i've done more writing, met a couple of nice people, and hopefully mended a rift in a valuable friendship. i was watching j play guitar the other night, and i was mesmerised with just how beautiful he is, was at that very moment. but i've decided that the muse sought him out, not the other way around, because sometimes he hates his guitars, and they hate him. the lady is a jealous muse, a spiteful woman...but she sees something amazing in him, and demands to speak through him... i saw it too, just the other night. wow... i want to start going to readings again...there's nothing more of a rush than reading to an audience. i think i just have a thing about being on stage... reading stiffed by susan faludi. it s a great book, and everyone, especially guys, should read it. it backs up a theory i have had for about two years... dragonCon!!!!! not so long from now i'll be dorking out with lots of people just like me, hee hee... i am going to turn my boss into a toad. |
| Thursday, May 10th, 2001 | |
| 11:14 pm | it is someone's birthday... HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOSFOMIFIRA!!!!!!!!! even if it's a day late... got my room reserved and my tickets to dragonCon this year...hee hee... |
| Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001 | |
| 11:54 am | ... we have laughed so much at work that i fear getting little to nothing accomplished. AT ALL. |
| Wednesday, April 25th, 2001 | |
| 6:58 pm | laff riot i have laughed all day and now i am going with leah, allison (her friend that i really like now that i am getting to know her) and j to see joe dirt. it's going to be a moronic movie. and i know i'm going to laugh my ass off. i am taking care of a flying squirrel. a guy brought it into the vet clinic where i work, and for some reason, i always get the babies to take care of (ironic, don't you think?) because my boss says that i am great at it. it's probably more that he doesn't want to do it. but i love it so fuck all. this squirrel rocks, though. he climbs everything and is so rotten. j bought a scanner so i can have something to play with while he plays guitar and i am having too much fun with it. like a kid in a candy store... |
| Sunday, April 15th, 2001 | |
| 2:44 pm | ... no one dyed eggs last night...i really wanted to. i had a good time yesterday...jay and his friend, john, and i went to the top of a mountain and climbed the tower and they played guitar. john reminds me of a frantic little boy. there is always something falling apart around john. we went out for pizza afterward and stayed too long laughing hard. i know the waitresses wanted us to hurry up and go. reminiscing over elementary school. jay confessed that he thought that he was depressed, which i wouldn't have thought, but which made sense when i thought about it. i thought that he was just a very composed, quiet person. which just goes to show that you never truly know another person. you would think that i would have learned that here of late. especially about assuming. my family is way too loud. i wish i had a mute button. i finally managed to drag jay to a show in atlanta. the changelings were playing with jaynha (or something like that- i need to look them up. they were great.) opening. i even think that he had a good time, despite that the place was a little hard to find, as i had never been to that particular club before. i had thought that he would, since he plays guitar, and there are always a lot going on in the string department of their shows. i made us a little late because i didn't know if i wanted to try to go and if i would have anyone to go with. it is getting green here, and that makes me happy. the very thought of spending time outside on summer evenings make me deliriously happy. Current Mood: curiouser and curiouser Current Music: pink floyd- dark side of the moon |
| Friday, April 13th, 2001 | |
| 12:16 pm | ... i feel like my world is almost wide open with possibility. i feel guilty for wanting to make it more so. i would like to start everything all over again, especially my relationship with people. all i am interested in right now is cultivating the friendships i already have. and i have done much to destroy some of them,. they deserve my utmost attention right now. my friend dave finally read the book i got him for his birthday, -what's eating gilbert grape?-, a book i consider to be one of the best. we were discussing it and i made the comment that i found the comment in it made by becky that regret is the ugliest word to be the most poignant. he said that fear of regret is just as bad. i thought that was funny because fear of regret is my biggest problem and has caused me and those who love(d) me tremendous trauma. i never can make a decision if there is a chance of fucking up. i put it off until i am positive, always keeping all my options open, and thusly closing all of them inadvertently. jay and i are questioning our relationship, but in a good way. a positive way. but i am afraid that i would like some time off. from everyone, all relationships beyond friendship. i have no interest in that right now. i want friends right now, i think. even though i love him, i need to take some time off. or is that a mistake, me wanting cake, my fear of commitment? am i a huge retard? leah pointed out that since early highschool, i have always had a boyfriend. i don't know why. i seek them out most of the time, but not always, and i never think that i just have to be in a relationship. but that's whay i think that i should take a break. i need to have some time for myself and leah. and i want to heal the rift with greg. this i may not be able to do. the pregnancy and my cheating on him and the subsequent lies drove a wedge firmly in our friendship that was only beginning. i don't want to date him. i want to be his friend and make this right again. if i can. and most importantly, i want to make sure that the little problems that jay and i have are just that and no more. taking time to be friends hopefully can do that. i need to make sure that i know what i want before i make any big decisions, and the last couple of months have been riddled with big decisions, most of them made under extreme duress. i want to move to endora, iowa, pop. 1091 and dwindling and eat watermelon. Current Mood: better Current Music: tom petty |
| 12:15 am | luscious wet warm summer evening.... nights like these are my favorite...only i should be out with my friends, swinging or walking or playing croquet in the embracing dark. but my brief outing wasn't bad. just ended too abruptly... |
| Wednesday, April 11th, 2001 | |
| 12:04 pm | retraction i had a miscarriage on friday. it was bloody and crampy and weird and sad. my mother who works in the operating room sent various other nurses down to wait with me and i got to wait in an office of the ER and not the waiting room because they know me and my mother works there. she met me in the ER when she scrubbed out. mostly it was a lot of waiting for the stupid doctor to tell me what i knew already. that i had probably flushed my baby down the toilet. and there was nothing that anyone could do. and i keep forgetting. i see things in the store and think "i'm going to get that for the sausage loaf. oh, yeah. fuck." and i had so looked forward to meeting this new, exciting person. i have never wanted to get to know someone as much. jay is taking this very badly. and i don't know what to say. saying nothing in these situations is usually best. the doctor said all the wrong things. that's whay i don't usually say much. there is nothing that you can say that can help. unless you can fix it, just shut up. |
| Monday, April 2nd, 2001 | |
| 11:36 am | ... i went over to leah's yesterday...much retardation and fun was had by all. we slightly bumped the rubber bumper of this lady's cherokee in a parking lot with the door. i checked it out and saw that nothing was damaged. then she came over and made kind of a big deal of it. we said sorry and she huffed. that did it. leah is not the type of girl to take shit off anyone, and she is a big girl. so she yelled at the bitch in the parking lot. it was funny, and embarrassing at first, but then i realised the world would be a better place if everyone did that. a big fuck-you to assholes. people are way too complacent, not wanting to start anything, to have a confrontation. fuck that. you act like an asshole, here it comes. we apologised, and all she had to say was no harm done. that's what i would have said. this happened precisely after we were talking about how much we hate going to wal-mart because everyone hates going to wal-mart. it's the people that make it unpleasant because they hate being there. so it makes it suck for everyone. ironic, no? Current Mood: empowered Current Music: tori- to venus and back, disc1 |
| Thursday, March 22nd, 2001 | |
| 1:20 pm | ... well, everything has changed. problems with two guys, resolved, despite major complications and sorrow. i am now with j. we just fit. finally decided about school. philosophy major, theatre minor, then to film school. then, boom. i'm pregnant. at first i was completely freaked. but then, i thought, fuck it. this is cool as hell. so i'm giving up my freedom, my schooling (for a little while), for this baby. i must have lost my mind. i'm still going to film school, though, dammit. |
| Friday, March 2nd, 2001 | |
| 10:34 am | through the glass darkly, darkly... where did the others go? they promised to stay, you know...they told me as much a long time ago, when the sun still shined and the earth was new. i thought they would hold my hand and guide me if i lost my way...but i've been lost in this dark forest for almost 10 years or more, and i'm losing my faith in hope. i have a little cottage now, here, at the base of the biggest tree in the forest. if you can't find me, just look behing the hanging moss. i'll be there... come and stay. don't go. everybody always leaves. they stay but for a moment, then leave to find acorns and mushrooms and dust and treacle. they never return. and i forget. but sometimes i remember. and i weep. and i laugh. before i came to this little house in the wood, i danced in the sun. i kissed the boys and loved you, i think. i talked to the mountain and the grass and the water. the universe loved me once, i think. the tea is growing cold, dear. |
| Tuesday, February 27th, 2001 | |
| 9:21 am | i suck very much so, indeed. i am stringing these boys along when i said that i would not. i have told them what was going on in the initial talk, then have mostly avoided the topic all together. i wonder if it would be the most ethical to drop seeing them both?...then i would be miserable. i loved j before...illogically so. but sometimes i was bored. but he has changed a bit, i've noticed. i may love greg, i don't know. how else do i explain this ridiculous attraction to this boy? his strength, mental and physical, fascinates me. i have never met anyone like this before. but j and i have so much in common. we get along almost perfectly. greg and i clash on so much. perhaps that's what interests me about him...i just know that i've been miserable for two weeks and my stomach is in knots. i cannot betray these two great people, but i feel that i already have. i love j and he knows that. i always will in some way, no matter what happens. greg and i have not made any sort of commitment, other than the good faith that we are seeing each other. i have always been straight-up with him. i feel like shit now. on another note, the trip to chapel hill was nice...i think i would like it there, if that's what ends up happening. i do think the change of scenery, of people, would be a good thing. and i would be near several of my good friends. and also around people who actually care about their education. i saw lots of younger girls on the unc campus and at duke, where we went on saturday so laura could revisit old memories. and i used to think that i envied them their youthful bodies, youthful exuberance, youthful outlook of the world...not so, now. i have realised that my experience, crappy and terrible and sometimes lame, sometimes wonderful (but not too often) is invaluable to me. i am unbelievably comfortable in my own skin, in the world. so much more than when i was 16, 18, 20. i would not trade that for anything. now to decide what to do...with my life, with those that i care for, with my education, both formal and otherwise. this is all my eduacation. i am learning. Current Mood: suck-ass Current Music: whigs- gentleman |