Not living. Just killing time. [entries|friends|calendar] Stephanie Says [ website | whisper to scream ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[23 Dec 2003|09:44pm] I think I just fell in the vortex of "Christmas Spirit" I am totally gone. 1 comment|post comment

texas sage. datura. [22 Dec 2003|12:28am] [ music | tori amos - datura. ] I have been having weird dreams lately; which is odd because I do not seem to dream that much. I am usually at Suny Purchase, or somewhere I do not know and I see a lost puppy and I always am compelled to take care of it. I'm usually arguing with someone because they tell me I am not allowed to have a pet [except fish] at school. I keep the dog anyways. The other night it was two dogs I took care of. I don't know what it means. I think I am just a weirdo. 4 comments|post comment

he says when you gonna make up your mind [21 Dec 2003|09:59pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | tori amos - winter ] "snow can wait i forgot my mittens wipe my nose get my new boots on i get a little warm in my heart when i think of winter" .tori amos 4 comments|post comment

home, sweet home. [20 Dec 2003|12:19am] [ mood | sleepy ] I am home. I packed up my things last night and my parents & darling sister came by around 1:30 to help me load up the car. It was all okay for a while. I ended up feeling fat (my mother said I gained weight and I never respond well to criticism)So I feel obnoxiously gross right now, if that is possible. After I unloaded everything from the car back to my room at home, I got to go Christmas shopping with my grandmother, little sister and mom. It was crowded and I still need to go shopping for Eric and Stefanie. Though I know what to get the both of them (I hope they like their gifts). I got these sexy boots as a gift from my lovely grandmother for Christmas. I need to get my sister something, too. I know what to get her, but I'm not sure. (I can't say since she has a live journal of her own.) I received some very sweet Christmas cards from D (firelove) and Leonie (stormebringer) They were both so nice and surprising. (Leonie, I am going to write you a letter as soon as I get some stamps to send over seas.) I sent two Christmas cards to D and Sarah (miery), I hope they get it before New Year's. But Purchase mail is so slow. 8 comments|post comment

turn on the bright lights. [11 Dec 2003|12:18am] New day (er, night). New icon. I've been feeling a bit off lately. But I've had my boy around and he makes me feel a lot better. (I'll let you all in on a little secret: I am really scared of losing him. I don't know why.) I have finals and papers due. I am a little stressed and haven't been sleeping regularly. I think thats why I've been feeling weird. And I know Eric is going home for a month and I'm upset about that. I know he'll visit but its not the same. I know I am a lovesick spoiled brat, but I got used to seeing him every day and all of the cuddling and kissing. I have been fortunate in the sense that I've never been seriously depressed. I thought I was since for two days in a row I've gone from really happy to very sad over reasons I can't explain. I feel okay now. I just want to stay okay. 3 comments|post comment

some things i noticed. [05 Dec 2003|10:22pm] 1. I am making a list because I feel like it. 2. I notice I have a knack for messing things up. 3. I haven't been writing that much lately. That makes me feel disconnected. 4. I procratinate too much. 5. I am not smart enough. 6. I am not thin enough. 7. I am not social enough. I think I turned into a shrinking violet in college. I am afraid to be more outgoing to make more friends. 8. Sometimes I wonder if I am depressed. A lot of people tell me they think I am. 9. The last few nights I have been going to be at four am. 10. I am running out of words. 5 comments|post comment

[27 Nov 2003|02:06pm] Happy Thankgiving to all of you lovelettes. 3 comments|post comment

give me the diamond. [26 Nov 2003|10:45pm] [ music | rasputina - diamond mind. ] I should be doing work, like I feel like I perpetully am lately. But I stopped. I worked on a great deal of my paper, so I'll work on the rest tomorrow. And there is always Monday. I am the procrastintion queen, really. Last week I went to Fall Ball which was a blast. Even though Eric said someone ended up grabbing his butt (and it was not me.) Everyone dresses up as the opposite sex, so I wore a suit and tie. (Dare I say that I looked marvelous?) Eric still wore slacks and a jacket, but I got to put silve and gray eyeshadow on him. (!) There were a ton of rap and pop songs played that brought back partly unwanted high school nostalagia. But also it reminded me of all the party at Liz's (leezarbeth) house. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs were played, so I can't really complain. I miss dancing. I need to do it more often, even though I'm sure I looked peculiar doing it. & to dance, dance, dance into the pale moonlight would be divine. 5 comments|post comment

(borrowed this from babyphoenix) [24 Nov 2003|11:10am] I know I hardly ever do these things but I'm curious, so here it goes: Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love -- anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say. 19 comments|post comment

bang, bang. that awful sound. [20 Nov 2003|11:52pm] [ mood | contemplative ] Sometimes I wonder where I am going. I know I am supposed to be a writer. But I never really finsih anything and that bothers me. I never make that much time for a lot of things I used to do. I haven't read for pleasure as much as I used to and that bothers me as well. I need more will power and discipline. I need, I need, I need. (I whine so much.) I just finished a really hectic week, I had thre papers to do. I'm so thankful and relieved that it is over. I have been thinking about looking for an on campus job next semester and possible working over winter break. My mother wants to reschedule my road test for winter break as well. I would like to pass, I am just sick of taking the test and not getting anywhere. (Then again, practicing more would probably help loads.) I say this constantly but I am going to say it for the millionth time: I am dying for a camera. And I will get one, I swear. I want to learn about photography and take a million pictures. I do not care if the photos are not that great, or great at all. I want to try something I have meaning to for a long time. I just need to actually go out and do it. There are so many things I want to do but it seems I just keep putting it off or not making time for it. I want to do a semester abroad sometime. Maybe to England, Italy or France. I've always loved reading and looking at pictures of those countries. Of course, I'd love to visit practically the whole world. I would really love to travel one day. I want to learn photography. I want to start learning the guitar again and actually know how to play it. I want to finish all of the fiction I have been meaning to write. I want to finish the screenplay I started. I want to do all of these things. I know this sounds really pretentious & all of that stupid crap, but I feel like if I don't I'm empty. I'm like a shell of a girl if I'm not doing something. I have been drawing a lot again lately. My psychology and philsophy notebooks are begining to be filled with sketches of girls, boys, flowers, stars, hearts, letters and all of that jazz. Not to mention fragments of poetry are starting to be littered all over my notebook covers and old hand outs. I really need to start writing it all down in my writing notebooks again. I've been neglecting the paper journal I started in September/October. I need to go back to it. I need to let all of my thoughts out, here and there. 2 comments|post comment

you broke another mirror, you are turning into something you are not. [14 Nov 2003|11:07pm] [ mood | happy ] I came home for the weekend today. I have to do two papers this weekend. Today was a strange day. I went down to New York City and I found out one of my poems has been published online. I went downtown because my mother wanted me to try on a jacket she had already got me for Christmas just in a larger size. It just so happened that the only Lord & Taylor's department store that carried it was on Fifth Ave. The jacket is gorgeous, its a leather bomber style jacket, except it isn't leather. I think it is suede. I ended up getting the larger size, I felt more comfortable in it. Anyway, I found out about my poem being online because my mother told me. she said she found it on The Poetry Zone. I remember I submitted some work (or maybe just that poem) to the web site over the summer. I don't remember receiving an email back, though. But my memory is bad at times. The poem can be seen here. The poem is called "Our House". My mom thought the poem was about her and my dad, in some references to their fighting. It wasn't about anyone real at all. That is something funny, or strange, that I do. most o my poems are fiction. I do write frequently from real life experiences, emotions, people, and what not but I do make up my own little characters and scenarios, too. Some people I've mentioned this about never did it. (I guess I am alone on that, then.) I want to do some writing this weekend but I think I have too much work looming over my head. post comment

[12 Nov 2003|12:10am] [ mood | jubilant ] I saw Rasputina last night, and it was wonderful. I waited so long for them to come around New York. The show was free, too. (!) They played so many songs I loved ("Howard Hughes", "Rusty the Skatemaker", "Baracuda", "Bad Moon Rising", etc.) I also bought a black tee shirt, I might reconstruct it a little since it is huge. I really like Rasputina's new songs and they did some neat covers of Blondie and Led Zeppelin. I wish I knew how to play the cello. (I say this about every intstrument about every band I like.) 5 comments|post comment

my mouth blooms like a cut. [10 Nov 2003|01:13am] [ mood | curious ] I went to Woodstock for the weekend with (darling) Eric. This is the second time I've been to his house. I like Woodstock, it one of those cutesy and artsy places that would be nice to walk around and take pictures of. (I say this about nearly every place I visit.) Eric and I went to the mall on Friday which was okay. I got the new Distillers album and so far its neat and accessible. I like it but its not like their older albums. Saturday was interesting and all of that jazz. We went to Woodstock and walked around. I went to this really good bookstore called the Golden Notebook. I think I wanted to buy everything in the store, but I was sans money. There were so many Sylvia Plath and Allen Ginsberg books. I saw Wintering, a novel about Sylvia Plath, I hadn't seen it in stores before. After the bookstore, I went into some over priced clothing boutique. There were some nifty Edie Sedgewick-eqsue earrings, but they were expensive. I watched two Indiana Jones films this weekend (courtesy of Eric) and surprisingly, I liked them. I always feel like there is so much more I should be saying but I'm not. And I don't know what it is I should really be saying. I guess whatever I feel in my heart and head. I don't feel like I can tap those emotions so easily or just pour them out. I will one day, I suppose. (For now the journal remains dull & lifeless.) 4 comments|post comment

the lost art of letter writing. [05 Nov 2003|02:28am] My mailbox is lonely. Who wants to trade letters? I love writing letters, if you write me one, I'll write you back one. I promise. I am really getting into letter making lately. I am starting to really like creating things. I can't explain it. Maybe I am getting back into my art again. 3 comments|post comment

[04 Nov 2003|05:23pm] [ music | elliott smith - speed trials ] I have a series of projects I want to work on over this year or so. Novels, poetry, art, the usual garbage. I would like to try screenwriting, but I am not sure where to begin. And furthermore, a solid story. I think that has always been my problem with writing, I am uncertain where a story is going and then I think the story is utter crap and abandon it. I'm at college and I like it a lot. I don't want to say love since it has only been three months and of course a person is going to love something when they are given immense freedom. The only thing I do have to complain about is a sudden loss of free time. I used to have loads of free time, and actually I used to hate it since I had so much of it. I tried to get rid of it as often as possible. I remember when I was dying to be busy. And now, it seems like I would kill for just three hours to do nothing. It is kind of funny and disarmingly ironic how that is one of the things I want the most now. post comment

bang, bang. my baby shot me down. [31 Oct 2003|01:31am] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) ] Happy Halloween, dears. I am going to be an angel this year, I have white wings and a white hankerchief cut skirt. I think I'll be wearing pants underneath the skirt because it is getting colder and the skirt is thin. I think I might just wear a black sweater or something. No one says my costume has to be conventional. I feel like a mix of emotions sometimes. Sometimes I flip flop from thinking my grades are ultra horrible to very good. I only freak out when I get a B when I am used to easy A's from high school. Then again the only lower grades I've gotten have been from College Writing and Culture and Society In the West, core freshman classes that make you feel like you have no idea what you are talking about. Today (Yesterday?) was all sorts of interesting. I had a Literary Club meeting that was boring, somewhat good and intimidating all at the same time. I was the only freshman there. Well, my RA, Melanie was there, too. So I didn't feel completely weird. Usually when I'm around older people who give off some air of intellecutualism mixed with pretentiousness, I feel weird. Sometimes I feel like I know nothing about what I like. Or, other times I am dying for people to shut up. It was both feelings. Some people think they know everything and they want the world to know. I guess that comes with all of this. I don't mind so much, I guess. But I have only been here for two months. This might make my head explode in two years. (A very likely possibility, I might add.) I bought some c.d.'s today from a vendor - Revolting Cocks - You Goddamned Son Of A Bitch! (Live). [They are very good, I might add] and a Peter Murphy solo album. They were pretty cheap, seven dollars each. I knew I wouldn't be able to find them in stores and its hard to find them online sometimes. Also, today I was with Eric when he had a meeting about a script of his with a guy named Lucas. Lucas is Danny Devito's cousin. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for my darling but I think he has a marvellous chance at success. He is talented and ultra gifted. Eric is a really great writer. (Now why can't I?) Eric is going to mail a script of his (Post-Mortem Possible, which I love) to a guy in California. I have a good feeling about this. I feel like writing a lot. Maybe its the impending doom of that silly nanowrimo.org thing I do every year. Oh well, it can only help me. p.s. I am in love with the Kill Bill soundtrack & film. 1 comment|post comment

Dear Elliott, [22 Oct 2003|04:55pm] You will be missed. Love, Stephanie 6 comments|post comment

[16 Oct 2003|11:56pm] [ music | sigur ros ] I didn't do much today, I cut my first college class - Psychology of Stereotypes. It was not a big deal, I handed my paper in on the desk before class started and left. So I'm not going to lose any credit, either. Tomorrow, Eric and I are going downtown. It will be fun and really neat. Now, let's just hope I don't get lost. I usually, inevitably, end up getting lost wherever I go. This week has been unexpectedly good. At least today, I did surprisingly well on my Philosophy paper and midterm. I got a 20/20 on the paper and an 88% on my test. Not bad considering I lived in fear of the class. I watched High Fidelity today with Eric and Rob. I really love the film, I need to get the book. I've actually been thinking about it for a while. I am often haunted by books. I stumbled around the Humanities Building on campus today with Eric, we were looking for a bus schedule. I found a green notebook, I was tempted to take it and just rip the used pages out, since I am usually always in a need of a notebook for something. Instead, I started to read it, I think the notebook belonged to an older woman. There were lists of hollidays (Yom Kippur and such), recipes, appointments, phone numbers and class notes. (There is a continuating education program at Purchase) I didn't take it since I felt weird, like someone's life was in that book. 9 comments|post comment

[14 Oct 2003|11:44am] I have listened to "Sven-g-englar" by Sigur Ros too many times. I am addicted to the way it sounds and flows through my ears. It makes me feeling like slow dancing, or smoking a bunch of cigarettes, though I don't smoke. 4 comments|post comment

[08 Oct 2003|05:06pm] The other day, Stefanie showed me some photographs she took of Paris. They were so beautiful. I would like to see it for real one day. I will, I know I will. I need better time management skills, I need to know how to juggle my homework, social life, sleep, love, and all of that. I'm currently fixing up/finishing a philosophy paper as I type this. It feels so hot in my dorm lately, I have the fan on. Isn't it supposed to be fall? Then again, I'm sure the heat is cranked up much too high. 1 comment|post comment

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