12:40am 18/06/2002
  I've decided to change my journal name. I'm sick of this name, so I decided to change it. If you would like to add me to your friends page (though I bet nobody will), add [info]black_dawning.

I won't be using this one so keeping it would be pointless.

See you on the other side...		  
     
 
Leave it on the table and come back for it later.   
02:57pm 17/06/2002
 
mood: peaceful
music: Starfuckers Inc- Nine Inch Nails
I'm starting to drift away from everything as if nothing matters anymore. I live my life to what I should and stop there, possibly to fall asleep or sit on my ass. Laziness always seems to overcome my mind.

Some people are such wastrels. As if their comment would have some kind of deep effect on my own thoughts and actions. If I ever get the kind of power Hitler had, I would get rid of every single person like that. This world would be a better place without the likes of them. Or the ones that think of themselves as intelligent and go around throwing words that don't make sense, but only to themselves.
I laugh my ass off when people make comebacks like "fuck off" or "die". WOW. You really showed me who was boss. Imbeciles.

"Your drunk!"
"Yes, but in the morning I shall be sober. You, however, will still be ugly."		  
     
 
Maybe.   
02:12pm 16/06/2002
 
mood: Ugly.
music: Something I Can Never Have- Nine Inch Nails.
Maybe this depression was just something I emplanted in my mind. Maybe it's because of the emotions of last summer. Maybe this is just the type of person I am. Or maybe this is all just a fake reality. I don't know how I let myself become so...terrible. Yesterday was definately a terrible night. I thought about everything and my only friend became myself...which made me feel even shittier. I don't even feel like I have any friends left. They all seem to desert me, as if I'm scum they don't want to be seen with. Though it can't be far off.

I am just that girl. That girl that people look past to others. That girl that is seen only for what doesn't matter. I always feel like a burden on everybody. I feel like an annoying lump that nobody wants near them. Why is it that I always feel ugly? There may be times where this is not so...when I am alone by myself and I have nothing to compare myself with. But...reality sets in everytime I leave my house.

I wish I were somebody.		  
     
 
Under your skin.   
04:47pm 15/06/2002
 
mood: bitchy
music: Doll Parts- Hole
People were supposed to come over today...but I doubt it. That pisses me off. If you make plans, keep them. I could have left my house but I didn't want to be "dicking anybody over". Guess what? Whenever I don't, somebody else does.

Oh well, maybe I'll hang out with Mr. Noose, I'm sure he wants to be my friend.		  
     
 
Not again.   
12:07am 15/06/2002
 
mood: depressed
Why did they unplug the sink that was barely full?		  
     
 
Don't worry, I don't think anybody will understand this one...   
09:42am 14/06/2002
 
mood: What is wrong with me?
music: Sometimes silence is louder than noise.
I have missed it all
Through the mist I lie
Covered only by the slim disguise
The race is over
I have lost
Once again to wallow
Attempt to run through bricks
I understand this fate
I breathe not oxygen
But of my tormented atmosphere
I hold it all in
Eyes are occupied
Strings dangle
Ready to break
One last pull
The ground now my sky
Mouth gaping into the flame
Mirrored down shaking
Wrapped myself too far
Cease this air I must breathe
Return to good
but was it ever?

My thoughts are ....
My decisions have.
...To return so often only means...
My god is ....
gone.
Abandoned once more...





But I still can't breathe.		  
     
 
Happiness is overrated.   
08:40pm 13/06/2002
 
mood: bothered
music: Here To Stay- Korn
Yeah today was my first actually day on the job at Waldbaum's. I really enjoyed it for some reason. The people there are nice and the job seems nice.

School is out. But I'm not rejoicing yet until AFTER the regents. And even then, I know my summer will be completely depressing. It's unavoidable. Not as terrible as last summer...but...

I have an English final tomorrow, it should be simple.

My hair= shit now...I miss it.		  
     
 
My dreams have fallen aflame.   
04:13pm 12/06/2002
 
mood: Crestfallen
music: Don't Leave Me High- Radiohead
I once thought myself to be smart...once. But after hundreds of times of being called otherwise, reality set in. I broke free of my naive shell and came to reality of it all. I am not who I want to be, but I am what they make of me. I never wanted to be like this. I've always thought of myself as being different, but I'm the biggest hypocrite ever. I think I'm different because of my external appearance, not by who I am on the inside. I always preach and go out of my way to never judge externally and I did it to myself. This is what I get.
With regents so close, I now realize that I am just a complete idiot. I know for a fact that I will fuck up what matters because I am overcome with apathy. Nobody can deny that I am stupid...I think they all know in some shape or form. Every word out of my mouth I feel is just so incredibly ignorant, I get the urge to punch myself and hide from the world.
I've always wanted to be more. I've always wanted to be an enlightened one, one who is completely logical and can pass the trend down to others. However, I am slowly realizing now that this can never be.

Everything fails me and now the most important part of me is now feeling perplexxed. I don't blame myself for saying I am stupid. Although, that's just one thing I am right about.

I feel so weak all of a sudden. I have been weak, but walking by denial.		  
     
 
Stolen from Sloppy Joe...haha.   
09:00pm 10/06/2002
 
mood: fat
music: Hero- Nickelback
( Click )		  
     
 
Ouch.   
02:13pm 10/06/2002
 
mood: sick
music: Aerials- System of a Down
So for the past 2 days I have had these sharp pains in my abdominal area. I don't understand what caused it, but it's excrutiating. It's blocking all the necessity's of life, such as eating. I eat a little and it decides to hurt more. I ruled out the alien fetus for now...but if an alien pops out of my torso anytime soon, I don't think I'll be too surprised.

I didn't go to school today because my dad insisted on taking me to the doctor. Score.
I went to the doctor and they made me pee in a cup. Damit.
After that, they took 2 viles of my blood. Damit
They didn't know what the hell it was so they made me a sonography appointment. Damit.
At the sonography appointment, they put goo all over my stomach. It wasn't pleasant at all. Ew.
But then I got subway. Score.
And then I realized that food makes me even more sick. Damit.
I have work at 3. Damit.

Yup.		  
     
 
I'm okay...I'm okay...I'M NOT OKAY   
09:24pm 09/06/2002
 
mood: blank
music: Dog New Tricks- Garbage
This weekend was great. Friday...what the hell did I do Friday? Ah yes, I went to the pitiful battle of the bands thing at my school. I walked out because I couldn't stand it anymore. Though I heard that Trisha's band was really good...figures I walk out right before the good band comes on. Oh well.

Yesterday I had my supposed last day of work...but they squeezed out one last day today. Then Joe and Diana came over and I felt the weirdest I had ever felt. Everything seemed so clear, but it wasn't drug induced or anything. My whole outlook on everything is different now that we just talked about everything. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

If the girl I was a year ago met the girl I was now, would they get along? If the girl I was in 5th grade met the girl I was now, would that girl like or hate me for who I was? I am that girl's evil twin. Distorted, but none the less her evil twin.

I crave change.		  
     
 
Here comes the cold again.   
05:09pm 08/06/2002
 
mood: pensive
music: Stupid Girl- Garbage
I don't want to become old. I don't want to have wrinkles, lose my form, lose the color in my hair, be weary, or be incapable of taking care of myself. I do not want to turn out like those really lonely elders that order senior coffees and a small sandwich and then sit there at a table alone wishing that somebody would just keep them company.

Every week this old lady comes in to order food for her and her husband. She always tells me her husband is meeting her here and she orders his food for him. She just sits at the table and she has his food set up for him. She sits there patiently for an hour and then asks if she could have a bag with this horrifying look on her face. Everytime it happens, I just want to cry with her. We both know her husband is dead, yet she still orders food for him...I never want to lose all of my loved ones and still live on. I couldn't.

The second I find a wrinkle, I think I'm going to kill myself.		  
     
 
Truth covered in security   
04:35pm 08/06/2002
 
mood: lonely
music: Supervixen- Garbage
I felt the urge to cry my eyes out today. However, I bit my lip and continued on, my eyes dry. It was strange. I wasn't sure why I wanted to cry, but it was a very strong emotion sweeping over me. I would never cry at work...or in public for that matter. Today, everybody at McDonald's was really nice to me...maybe because they knew I was leaving? Probably.

I feel like I'm missing out on something important. It's the kind of feeling you get when you sleep in late, but you had somewhere to be earlier. Or maybe that's just me. It's just me.

I feel so fucking alone right now. Maybe that's because I am alone. Nobody cares anyway...not like I was expecting that or anything.

And the question that has finally arose in my mind...why the hell am I still in my McDonald's uniform? I think I shall burn it. Yesssss.		  
     
 
I'm happy as long as you're hanging me here   
05:15pm 05/06/2002
 
mood: content
music: You- Candlebox
Am I really happy? Or am I just trying to keep myself from being depressed all over again? Everybodies been telling me I'm more "pleasant" now...was I really that miserable that people took notice to my pathetic moping? I know that I am not happy inside...but it's inside right now and I plan on keeping it there. I've managed to smother the sad girl with this new personality that has grown onto me...but I still hear her sometimes. I hear her screams of pain and I wish I could help her. Empathy is all that comes from this side of me. If I try and help her, I will lose what has become of me and I will become, again, the girl I don't want to be.

I've been meeting a lot of new people and getting to know them from my school. It's really strange...people are beginning to accept me. Or maybe they just feel bad, eh, same thing.

I just dyed my hair purple and it looks so great. That sounded so conceited, but I don't care. I've always wanted this color and now that I have it, I can like it as much as I want to.

Boots + Purple Hair= Happy Natalie. She likes external change because she hates the person she was.		  
     
 
A slight breeze in the air...   
09:02pm 04/06/2002
 
mood: happy
music: Apes Dos Mil- Glassjaw
I've been hit with an astonishing amount of chipperness. I've had a life this week! That never happens. We'll go in order from past to present.

Sunday- I had work and then Nicole convenientally stopped by right at my break. We hung out until my break was over. After work, I went to the movies with her, Chris, Heather and Melissa. We met up with Willy Boy, this cool guy that everybody seems to know Gene, and this other girl Jessie. We saw The Sum of All Fears. It was pretty good, if I saw it again, I could probably pick out all of the holes...until then, it was interesting and not too far from reality. Afterwards, a few of us went back to my house and we hung out for a bit. I had fun.

Monday- After school, I get a phone call from my manager, Lance. "Natalie, you can't go to a concert, you have to come to work..." "Umm, no, I'm going to the concert...bye!" Then Kurt picked me and Holly up and we went to the Glassjaw show. It was great. The people there were metalheads stuck in the early nineties, but besides that, it was fun.

Today- I was forced out of bed even though I felt nauseous and tired as hell...damn fascist father. I had a splitting headache all day. The school day was shitty but it got better afterwards. I bought fuschia hair dye and then officially quit McDonald's. Saturday is my last day...yay!!! And then I came home...and I saw a box...and inside this box there was another box...and inside that box...I GOT MY BOOTSSSSSS!!! I am now about to have a cardiac arrest from being so overly happy.

ZOOOOOOOOMMM!!!! I may be on a Jones Soda bottle thanks to Andy. But that doesn't mean I don't hate you for it. Hehe.		  
     
 
Double bladed knife   
10:24pm 02/06/2002
 
mood: morose
music: Milk- Garbage
It's a neverending battle without reason. It is destroying everything. My heart has trouble beating...because it has no will to anymore. But I don't mind. Not one bit. Not anymore. And what is there to possibly live for? Name one thing that I must accomplish before I die. If I have no set goals in life, why should others have it planned for me? My wound seems to be lessening...I think I'll pour some salt on it.

And then I realized that the trail had been burned on all sides...there's nothing more now but darkness and my fetal weaping...oh wait, I don't cry anymore.		  
     
 
Blood on your face, that's my blood...watch it swirl into the drain.   
11:51pm 31/05/2002
 
mood: cheerful
music: Fell In Love With a Girl- White Stripes
Today was great. I went with Diana to pick up her fish and I stared deeply into the clown fish tank. I wish I were a clown fish, they are SO happy and silly. So then I was dropped off at the mall. Met up with Andy and Reid. Not too long after, I finally saw Adriana again...I hadn't seen her for months and she had 2 friends with her, Vicki (Tori Amos) and Jill. We all chilled like eskimos...haha.

Then everyone but Andy left. He came back to my house with me and we had fun destroying random things. I'm going to save those crickets if it's the last thing I do.

I had so much fun. It's so rare to come by these days that I actually have fun at, of all places, the mall. And I feel fine even afterwards. Things have been so great as of late. Change is definately a good thing.

And now I sleep for I have work at 7 in the morning...thanks guys, that's a good one!		  
     
 
Natalie is ecstatic   
09:52pm 30/05/2002
 
mood: happy
music: Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness- Smashing Pumpkins


These sexy boots are on their way to my house...5-7 business days. Mmmmmmmm.		  
     
 
A question for all to answer.   
06:26pm 30/05/2002
 
mood: chipper
music: Fade to Black- Metallica
I got the job at Waldbaum's today...$6.50 for the first 2 months and then I get a 25 cent raise. So after 2 months I'll be getting $6.75 an hour. Daaaaamn. So after that all happened, I went to McDonald's to break the news to them that I was quitting...and to pick up my paycheck of course. Tony seemed disapointed for some reason that I was leaving and asked why...so I told him I needed a job that payed better. He then told me that he could give me $6 an hour...that's 60 cents more!! He said that I could get a permanent schedule, so that way, I can work both jobs and I've been thinking about it a lot now. I mean...If I got $6 an hour at McDonald's and I work 15 hours, that's about $90 some odd dollars and if I have the job at Waldbaum's and I work about the same amount...that's about $100 and all together it'd be almost $200 a week. My mouth drools over that.

Should I go for that? Or is it going to be too much on my part to handle?		  
     
 
   
08:04pm 29/05/2002
  And when I saw her standing in front of me, my eyes filled with hatred. When I saw what she was doing, I wanted to kill her. I wanted to just punch her in the face and knock some sense into her.

...And then I realized I was staring into a mirror.		  
     
 
 
selphie
 
 
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