Work is painfully slow today. I just came back from a very wet trip outdoors to bring back a movie (Whale Rider, wonderful, New Zealand very pretty) and got spectacularily drenched.

This past week has been hellish. Five assignments, one test, and two presentations (boys in ties, very nice) out of the way and classes are finally over for the semester. Exams start next Thursday and I'm fairly confident about doing well on all of them, except perhaps for numerical analysis which I will no doubt have nightmares about.

Only two more hours to go? Splendid. I feel as though my eyes are about to crawl out of my skull.

Edit: For the Christmas tree decorating competition at work this year, my group has decided to decorate a virtual tree (complete with animated elements and roll-overs) and project it on the wall. Our excuse is that it's environment friendly and original but really, we're all just lazy. And who doesn't like a Christmas tree that you can "take down" by simply clicking delete?

When I saw him this morning all I could think of was, hot, but thankfully it came out as "hi". He had done something different with his hair, that lovely mad scientist hair of his, and it took me a few seconds to find my tongue again. And it never works when you tell yourself not to stare because then it's the only thing you find yourself being able to do. And you can't help trying to, coyly, sneak a glance in their direction and hoping that, maybe, they might be looking back. A smile, a slow melt, and I feel like I'm thirteen again.

Just for the record, Sara is a much stronger individual than I'll ever be. I think you know why, boo.

Why is it that I have spent the last ten hours doing anything that wasn't homework? (And if you think that implies that I woke up around one, you are right.) I've even washed the dishes, for goodness sake.

I had a dream last night where I was in some competition with Julia Stiles to kiss a certain number of boys. I don't remember much of the details but there was ballroom dancing, and old-fashioned dresses, and lots of kissing, of course. I think I won. It was great.

And because food is at least ten times more interesting than clamped cubic spline interpolation: ( Food Meme. )

Okay, time to go kick some numerical analysis butt.

I don't mind the rain or snow so much, it's the wind and cold that really get to me. I almost lost my umbrella three times this morning and the weather seems to have gotten worse throughout the day. I'm really not looking forward to going back outside in half an hour when I finish work. On days like these, I wish that I could apparate home, without ever having to put a foot outside. How convenient that would be.

You know, for someone who's always complaining about never having any plans, I'm suddenly extremely busy social-wise. And I might have to cancel certain plans because I don't have the time to be this busy right now, especially not with five assignments and two presentations to do in the next two weeks. Woe.

Also, someone was kind enough to send me a copy of all the Hikaru No Go manga scanlations. I have made a solemn vow to myself to not even unzip the folders until my last final is over on December 16th. I have enough distractions as it is. Must. Resist.

In the meantime, I can't believe that I'm actually researching schools that offer graduate degrees in computer science or information sciences with a specialization in human-computer interaction. This is definitely not for next year but I would like to get my masters some day.

Am so exhausted. I stayed up late last night working on a prototype for my UI design class, and will probably do so again tonight. But it's fun homework, so I don't really mind. You really can simulate just about anything in dhtml and javascript. At least the burning soreness in my shoulders and arms that I now associate with the aftermath of a strong panic attack is slowly ebbing away. Maybe I can start catching up on all the insomnia-induced sleeplessness now.

5:00 pm. I'm done.

Oh, and the PoA trailer? There are no words. June. 4th. Now. Please.

My friend and I went to go see Love Actually last night. Completely charming and hilarious movie. Loved it, actually. The audience actually applauded at the end, and the two guys beside us seemed to have enjoyed it as much as we did, so that's somewhat telling. I will most likely be seeing it again. (Yes, I admit it, I am a sap.)

Summary of my day so far: woke up around noon, had breakfast, went online for a bit, did some cleaning, took a nap, had supper, am online again. And I'm still tired. However, I promised myself that I would finish half of my algorithms assignment today so I guess I better get started. I am so not motivated to do this right now.

Friday
Felt completely horrid all day so I decided to stay home for Halloween instead of going out. Bought some discounted candy, rented two movies, and got completely soaked walking home in the rain. 40 days and 40 nights: I rented this after reading a review by alchemi. Interesting premise but not really exciting otherwise. Except perhaps for that sex scene with the flowers. The Matchmaker: cute despite the really, really predictable plot. It made me want to visit Ireland and meet a nice Irish boy.

Saturday
I don't remember what I did on Saturday. This is probably not a good sign. I think laundry and homework may have been done. I seem to remember watching a couple more episodes of Hikaru. That sounds about right.

Sunday
I met up with some of the volunteers for conventionalley. It was a lot of fun and it has gotten me really excited about the conference next year. I also found out a bit more from one of the organizers about what's actually been planned so far. Sara, did you want to volunteer to help out? I know you told me that you wanted to attend.

Monday
I actually passed my algorithms midterm. Ha.

Tuesday
I solemnly swear that I am up to no good will never procrastinate again. Right. Three hours of sleep and two submitted assignments later and I feel like I could collapse. Also, I woke up this morning to a lovely little snow storm. Just how I love to start my day. Snow eventually turned into hail which then turned into freezing rain. Streets and sidewalks are now completely covered in ice and I almost injured myself four times walking across the parking lot to my appartment building. Go away, winter.

I wish I could do NaNoWriMo this year but I simply don't have the time. Bully to school for cutting in on my free time. It's on my list for next year, however. Are any of you that are participating planning on letting others read the final product at the end of the month? I would be interested in reading some of the stories if you would like to share.

And now, I think a bit of mahjong is in order.

Goodness, what a long couple of weeks this has been. I had my last midterm last night and my next assignment is only due on Tuesday so I'm finally taking a well deserved break. Midterms went relatively well, I think. I guess I'll know by next week.

I think I may be developing some sort of a thing for a boy in one of my project groups. Hmm. Other than that, not much is new. I realized today that I haven't logged on to any instant messaging programs or sent any personal (i.e. non school-related) emails in almost two months. I've also been looking for more Ottawa people who share similar interests to add to my friends list. Trying to concentrate on school is an honourable pursuit but it does get rather lonely. I'm starting to miss people.

I wish I could get into writing again. I have so many ideas but I feel completely incompetent when trying to tie them together. Maybe I'll finally type up that story that has been sleeping in my notebook since this summer. It would give me something to do tomorrow night if I decide that going to the movies on my own to see a non-horror movie on Halloween is too weird.

So I had a chat with the manager of my group at work (my supervisor's boss) and he reminded me again that they will probably (budget willing) be looking for a new full-time employee come next spring and that they would really like it to be me. Basically, he's given me until Christmas to decide if I would like to be considered for the job or if they should start up a competition for the position. He also slipped in that it would be a second-level position, not entry-level, where the yearly pay is very, very nice. So I'm thinking: take job, graduate in May, travel for two to three months, go back to work, pay off student loans easily in under six months, continue working there for at least another year or two and then see where life takes me? I think I like this plan. I will ignore foreboding statements about best laid plans for now.

My honours project proposal is due tomorrow for approval from my professor, and will be submitted to my department next week. I have decided to focus on the topic of improving usability for visually impaired users in relation with web-based education. It's really too bad that I don't have a minor in psychology as I could have tied it in with how people learn. Human-computer interaction is really a fascinating field.

Is it odd that the primary trigger for my panic attacks is my fear of having a panic attack? It seems irrational. Not stress, not constant worrying, just fear of being helpless and of losing control, especially in a place that I can't get out of easily, or around people who I'd have to explain it to; fear that is increased because I've been through several panic attacks before and I hate how they make me feel. Is that like being afraid of fear itself?

And now, time to go implement some scheduling algorithms. Much excitement! Or something.

Edit: I have a dilemma. Halloween is nary a week away and I have no plans as of yet. Something must be done.

Another edit: Also, if you can explain the cubic splines method for interpolation to me, I will bake you cookies.

The weather today was so wonderfully autumn. I love it.

I went for my eye exam this morning, which included a new optical map process where they take an image of the back of your retina. I got to see the images afterwards with the doctor and he noticed that part of the layer on the retina of my left eye is thinner than the rest. Apparently this is not uncommon with people who are nearsighted and he blamed it partly on the fact that my prescription for that eye was a bit too high. It's not really serious right now but it could be if the layer thins to a point where it tears. Well. So I went to order some new glasses as I had planning for a couple weeks now and picked them up this afternoon. I love the glasses themselves but my left eye has been compensating for the new prescription all evening and now I have a really annoying twitch and headache. It probably doesn't help either that I've been working on the computer for the last five hours, trying to finish my assignments that are due tomorrow. Oh well.

My numerical analysis assignment can bite me. God, how I hate this class. Edit: Matlab can bite me too.

(Oh, and add optometrist to my list of really cool jobs; somewhere after librarian and before geologist in terms of increasing degree of coolness.)

I just looked up my mark for my operating systems assignment, only to discover that the only mark that was taken off was for what I consider to be a difference of opinion.

The question pertained to protection schemes and the TA's response to my answer that protection schemes are inherently imperfect as they are created by humans and can therefore be broken, was that if a protection scheme is implemented perfectly, it can't be broken. Not that I think that you can't devise a protection scheme so complex that it would be virtually (or technologically) "impossible" to break, but such a protection scheme would also be harder to implement correctly or "perfectly". And it's obvious that if you implement something perfectly, something that can't be broken in the first place, then it can't be broken. But can a system really be impossible to break?

Hrm. Any thoughts?

Case analysis done. Writing up this stuff is always like pulling teeth. "This demonstrates willingness on the part of top managment," and complete unwillingness on my part to continue rambling on about the specific organizational structure of a company and its impact on project success. I shall now be selling my soul to the numerical analysis gods (do gods buy souls or is it only demons who participate in the black market of rashly discarded souls?) in hopes of being able to whip my assignment into shape. God, my head hurts.

My new livejournal colours remind me of chocolate and dried blood, oddly enough. Tasty.

Please tell me that this isn't her real name. I am appalled, for reasons that may be obvious to some of you.

Also: some pictures taken last weekend, thanks to good_enough's webcam. ( Pale, dark-haired, and somewhat freckled. )

I have made a list of everything I need to accomplish up till the 30th. It is long and detailed, with only a slight margin available for procrastination. I have done only one thing on my list so far today, and it was one of the minor things. Am so not in the mood to tackle the two major items that I have slotted for today (case analysis and numerical analysis assignment). This is not bearing well. Sigh. If I can just get through the next two weeks of assignments and midterms, everything will be good.

In other news, I have a found a new favourite store. In search for Hikaru No Go dvd's, I found a comic book shop downtown that sells (and rents) anime, as well as having an extensive collection of comic books, graphic novels (including all of the Sandman and Books of Magic novels that I covet so much), manga, and various figurines, dolls, and other comic-related items. Alas, I did not find the aforementioned dvd's but I could have very well spent a lot of money in that store. Hikago dvd's will be going on my wishlist for the moment (as they are a wee bit expensive to purchase online, shipping and exchange included) and in the meantime I have found an ftp site where I can download all of the episodes (all 75 of them). As if I really need another way to procrastinate.

(Also, I really, really want to learn to play Go now.)

For the first time in my four years of university, I actually have a final exam schedule that doesn't stretch out to the very last day suck. I will actually be able to have a full three week holiday break this year. Perhaps I even won't get sick, like I usually do every exam period. Ha.

Absolutely hilarious: What happens when you expose kids of today to video games of the 70's and 80's. Relatedly, I'm still trying to find the name of the game that I spent countless hours of my childhood playing on our Commodore 64. You had a plane, and you flew around, avoiding and shooting at other flying objects (the second level involved bouncing balls, if I remember correctly). Fairly nondescript, but it was entertaining.

( Belated Friday Five )

Okay, productivity starts now.

I had a wonderful weekend back home with my parents and Sara.

Friday: Exhausted and lazy after a long day and bus trip, we decided to stay in, rent movies (The Life of Brian, amusing; The Importance of Being Earnest, much love for all things Wilde), and eat far too many brownies. Sara also reintroduced me to the marvels of cable T.V. and TLC, which I shall now be pining for endlessly.

Saturday: Went shopping with my mom in the afternoon and then out for pitas, tea and Scrabble with Sara in the evening. Was privy to Sara's mad multi-lingual skills, "c'est comme like six piastres," which I shamelessly mocked her for. I also learned how to spell "piastres". Movies for the night were: Metropolis (pretty but confusing as hell) and Samurai X (not as good as the first part of the ova series that I had already seen but it was still enjoyable).

Sunday: My parents, Sara, and I drove up to see my grampa and aunt for the traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Lots of good food, card playing, and general sillyness and insanity as is typical with reunions in my family. Good times.

Other highlights and noteworthy things include: finally reading Coraline (fantastic book), eating far too much chocolate, not doing any of my homework, and getting whistled, honked, and hollered at on separate occasions.

Now: It feels good to be back in my own appartment but it's cold, I have no food left except for soy milk, applesauce, and crackers, and I really don't want to do my case analysis writeup that's due tomorrow morning before ten. I would much rather be watching some recently downloaded Hikaru No Go episodes or going to bed early for once this weekend.

And it's back to classes again tomorrow. Woe. I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving.

Mornings like these are why October is my favourite month.

Today would have been my grandma's seventy third birthday.

Talking to my dad on the phone is always so weird, for lack of a better word. Never mind that the conversation is almost always entirely in french, with me making a conscious effort not to alternate back and forth in english and to speak with the grammar and vocabulary worthy of someone with my french "upbringing", but our talks always border on the somewhat awkward. My dad is an awkward person to start with, and we've never been extremely close, mostly because he's just not the type of person that you can easily get "close" to. Rather like myself but more uptight, reserved and conservative; similar personality types but at two different extremes, with conflicting ideologies and viewpoints to widen the gap even more. Yet, I have gotten into very few real arguments with my dad in my life thus far - although not out of a lack of things to argue about but because we both have a tendency to avoid conflict where possible. And as for the rare arguments? Two very stubborn minds battling it out to the very bitter end. So I call, and he asks me about school and work, and we talk about life, the universe, and all the topics that we haven't both subconsciously labelled as "taboo" (religion, ethical beliefs, my love/sex life or lack thereof), until I feel like I'm drowning in all the goddamn politeness and avoidance and it becomes completely awkward and weird. I don't think there is a better word for it.

So I ended up taking a nap yesterday afternoon and waking up at eight in the evening, feeling groggy as hell and in no mood to do any work. I then spent the rest of the evening playing with photoshop and thus succeeded in accomplishing nothing all day. It took me a while to jump start this morning but eventually I got up and twittered over my case analysis for over three hours before deeming it acceptable and submitting it to my professor via email. As much as science and engineering students like to rail over art students about having "easy" courses with nothing but reading and essays to do, it's only because we'd all go mad if we had to switch places. Just taking one course a semester where I have to remind myself that I know how to write an essay is enough for me. I'm actually looking forward to doing my operating systems assignment this evening after having spent all afternoon writing a pithy 750 word analysis.

Am still in my pyjamas - from yesterday - and feeling completely useless because I haven't accomplished half of the things I wanted to this weekend, except for catching up on sleep. Granted, I can also blame the comp. sci. server for being down all weekend, which is somewhat ironic if you think about it. My appartment feels really empty for a place that's so small and I kind of miss the clutter of home. I also miss my cat.

Things I should be doing: writing up my case analysis; cleaning; getting ready to go to the gym tonight; studying for my operating systems test this week; my numerical analysis assignment; getting dressed; laundry; preparing my honours project topic proposal.

Things I should not be doing: writing this entry; looking longingly at my nice warm bed; skimming through my friends-of-friends page; reading epic-length fanfiction; thinking of curling up in bed and re-reading Pride and Prejudice; writing up to-do lists that I know I won't follow; eating this much licorice.

Danny Michel is playing tomorrow night at Barrymore's. Why did I only find out about this today? And can I convince anyone to go with me before 9pm tomorrow? Also: December 13th, David Bowie at the Bell Centre in Montreal. What are the chances that I won't have a final that night and that the tickets won't be madly expensive?

School has been rather hectic lately, with assignments, tests, and presentations left and right (and center). Going to work is almost relaxing in comparison. Not sleeping enough, not drinking enough water, not paying enough attention in my numerical analysis class, nothing new. Only twelve more weeks, right? I must remember to do something fun this weekend. I hope that I'll be able to go back home for Thanksgiving in two weeks. I need it.

I know that being able to work well in groups is a valued skill, in life in general and in the workplace in particular, but I often wish that I could avoid group projects at school altogether. I hate having to trust others with my success in a course, or trust them to have the same standards as I do. And I may sound horribly stuck-up but I hate having to remind myself that if someone has made it all the way to their fourth year of university, then they must be blessed with some level of intelligence and that I should trust them to do their part of the work without me wanting to "perfect" it afterwards. Perfectionist? Control freak? Me? Never.

I remember my aunt arguing with me that I have strong leadership tendencies. I'd say that I'm not a leader, per se, but just someone who feels the need to take charge of things out of necessity since I like having things done my way. Heh.

On a related note, I find it amusing that someone who is so not a people person like myself can be so interested in human-computer interaction. I mean, in this field you have to be concerned with other people, you need to talk with them and figure out how to design systems that meet their needs, and you have to work in groups because no one can design a software system on their own without any outside help or input (a successful one, that is, one that people will actually use). One of my teachers has agreed to be my supervisor for my honours project and has pointed me in the direction of a whole bunch of resources in the area of HMI so that I can narrow down a topic. I was talking about it with one of my coworkers this week and I found myself getting all excited. Excited. About school. Huh.

And now, back to work. Must resist temptation to reread Underwater Light as I have some algorithm analysis homework to do (among other things). Woe. No rest for the wicked.

Edit: I can't believe this completely left my mind. I had three very distinct dreams last night, where Sara was: a) going to die, b) going to jail for plotting my death, and c) on parole after having been wrongfully accused and put in jail. How incredibly odd and disconcerting.

At least I can say that I've learned to recognize panic attacks, even if I can't always avoid them. Stayed up for an hour last night, waiting for my breathing to go back to normal and for the pressure in my head to clear. Am still feeling sore and somewhat shaky, not too mention completely exhausted. Will be going to the gym tomorrow to work it off. It's odd because I'm not even feeling particularily stressed at the moment. Anxiety can bite me.

Speaking of going to the gym, my school has once again come up with the worst schedule possible for yoga classes this semester. And the fitness class that I wanted to take is in the morning, and I don't do mornings. I don't know who's schedule these classes are designed to fit into but it's never mine.

Something tells me that I'm going to regret having volunteered to switch groups in my IS class and thus now having to do a 45 minute group presentation next week. At least I'll get it out of the way first, right? I should have probably started on the readings tonight also. Oh well.

And I'm going to bed. Before 10 p.m. Stranger things have no doubt happened but it's been a while.

It took me a while to remember what I did today, which either means that I didn't do anything vaguely remarkable or that I'm losing my mind. I'll take a little from column A and a little from column B, please.

I set out around midday to go thrifting, sulked for a bit after reading the "closed" sign in the window of the thrift store, and ended up at the mall where I tried on pants that were much too expensive, skirts that bordered on illegal, and a dozen different belts that either didn't fit right or cost more than they were worth. My afternoon was capped off with some tea and a lapful of children's books at the bookstore.

My numerical analysis assignment is done, my algorithms assignment is not done, I'm reading some silly crossover slash while waiting for my laundry to be done, and I have seven new icons. It doesn't get any better than this. Laying me down, pin me up or put me down, now let it all go.

Good: I was able to register for the management information systems class that I was interested in, despite not having one of the prerequisites. The professor has faith in me and my success in the course, even if I'm the only non-business student in the class. Bad: Have waded through about one hundred pages of articles and case studies in the last two days and I am absolutely weary. Ugly: According to the class schedule, these reading assignments will be a recurring trend. At least the course material interests me.

Movies rented: Dead Poet's Society - enjoyable, all-boys schools are very nice indeed, have reaffirmed that I always favour the same types of characters in film and literature; Pi - fascinating movie, has revived my interest in number theory, will definitely become a favourite. Thought provoking, to say the least. If you have a truly chaotic system, then there must be a natural order to it - but do you really want to know? Also, I am now curious about learning to play Go.

10:58. Personal note: I feel like I could sleep for days.

I woke up this morning with a fiendish headache that just got worse as the day went on. Nevertheless, classes were good. User interface design will no doubtedly be my favourite class this semester, with very little programming (for a change) and lots of design and analysis (which I love). I need to schedule a meeting with my prof for that class, so that I can get dibs on him as supervisor for my honours project next semester. And hopefully he can help me narrow down a topic, as the proposal deadline is coming up in October and all I have right now is "human-computer interaction and web-based learning", which is very vague and not a topic as such, but an area that I would like my topic to be in.

Note to self: Bring coffee or sugar to next algorithms class. Course material not terribly exciting, teacher painfully dull. Must stay awake, need artificial stimulants.

I stood in line forever at the bookstore after class, just to find out that the books I need have not even come in yet. Because of the double cohort deal this year, line-ups are especially unpleasant and there are a hell of a lot of people on campus, which is every level of annoying for impatient and somewhat agoraphobic people like me. Although, some of the first years are just so very ickle and it's amusing to watch them. Also, it should be illegal for boys who are only seventeen to look anything but seventeen. It's terribly unfair.

It occurs to me that there are people out there, living vastly interesting lives, and I want in.

I can't decide if the fact that my dad hasn't seen my new appartment yet (I've been living here since April) and has only been in this area twice since I moved here two years ago, is a coincidence or just plain avoidance. After all, everything I know about avoidance, I learned it from my father. I like to learn from the best, you know. Stubborness, compulsive worrying, the ability to bottle-up one's emotions; thanks, dad.

Oh, and to whoever it is who got infected by a virus/worm and who's address book I'm in, making it such that I receive about thirty new emails a day with the same headings and attachments - I hate you.