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Saturday, February 15th, 2003
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11:30 pm - Too tired to sleep...
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Well, I feel really odd right now, I'm incredibly wired, but tired at the same time. More lethargic than anything. It was great to see Sarah and Jake again after so long, just to hang out, talk, share a few laughs -- it was a well needed break. I miss them, I really do.
I really wanna go see Matt Good. Not 18 though. Damn.
I realized something today, we can't change how someone feels but we can control how we react to it. Similarily, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, its a waste of time and energy. I think I've been doing way to much of that lately. Shit happens. Move on. There is so much out there I haven't experienced because I've been so self-involved with my own sorrow. Over nothing I might add, well nothing it seems anymore. I remember a time when I was stronger, I was on top of my game, confident, self-possesed.
I want that again.
I think I need to go to bed. I'm getting too lofty, the BS is even too much for me, lol. Tommorow I'm going to see Evita at Theatre Calgary, I hope it is better than Dracula was. I feel guilty for enjoying myself. I do not know why.
current mood:  weird
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| Monday, February 10th, 2003
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4:29 pm - Ignorance is bliss...
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I'm so tired. Why am I on the computer? Maybe it feels like I can read these past journals and find myself again. I don't know who I am anymore, why I'm feeling like this? So much has changed,... maybe it is I. It seems whatever happened has left me on the short end of the stick. It's hard to look at people I know and feel happiness, instead of dislocation. Why is it when people promise you a sanctuary they are never there at the right time for it to be of any use. There is no permanance, no reality which offers a home. I feel blind, but maybe I'll more aware than I've ever been. My brain speaks in languid prose. I'll feel better tomorrow. Why do I need that self-affirmation? Maybe if I say it I'll actually begin to mean it, maybe I'll find me again.
I wish I could white out everything here. But my fingers will not reach for the backspace. Treasonous bastards.
current mood:  gloomy
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4:11 pm
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your touch
like sandpaper now
don't drop in again
to never say hello.
you make me ugly,
make my reality a joke
I was never let in on.
shallow eyes surround me
fake smiles, fake laugh, fake love.
forget me when I'm gone
I don't want to be in your memory after all.
not like this.
sitting on the edge of oblivion
the bottom never seemed so close,
my life has been living made by one
shown to many
but shared with no one,
silence, being the only witness to my existance.
current mood:  tired
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| Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
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7:47 pm - Cornered with nothing left to show but soiled pants.
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Finally Colin Powell has released his "evidence". I can't believe after probably a year of surveillance, this is one of the three best pictures his "intelligence" team could come up with to support thier longwinded claims of Iraq's WofMD:
All of a sudden, a bulldozer and a building can be claimed as a weapons facility coverup. Grasping at thin air has never been so comical to watch.
current mood:  amused
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| Friday, January 24th, 2003
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8:00 pm - Here is a test to find out wheter your mission on earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't. - Richard Bach
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So many things have been swirling around me at the moment, I'll try to slow time, possibly grab a few to contemplate upon. As per the quote above, I think it speaks volumes of my mood today. I felt the inexplicable urge to do more with my life. I haven't felt that in a very very long time. Diplomas draw near. I am happy, as sadistic as that sounds. I just want them to come and be over, so I can get out of this rut of incessant stagnation and move the hell on to something else. My brain is angry that it is unable to stretch, cooped up in review for three weeks. It needs air. I'm beginning to think I need air, lol. Last night was the first time in a week and a half I stepped out for a long walk outside (about an hour). I'm glad I did so, I forgot how good it feels to feel your heart pounding , blood flowing through your veins. Up till then I felt like a limpy dry organ sack. Sorry for the detail, lol. After you exercise, the life, the feeling produced has got to be my favorite feeling in this world. Nothing makes me feel more alive.
My thoughts at present linger over many things, it seems that many things around me continue to unfold like an onion, I see things that were always there, but were obscured -- possibly intentionally by my own rationale, or just by my own lack of time and attention to them. It intrigues me none the less, I am insaitiable for understanding, knowledge. Person X still plays around at the back of my mind, I believe only because he is something I can not understand, a situation that I cannot explain, something that has not happened in a long time. Usually I am able to thoerize and solve things to my own satisfaction. But this time, I am left to go on very little -- which leaves this unresolved. One might ask why I do not try to clear this up by asking him straight out, bluntly, using my usual get to the point mentality. I can't say I haven't considered it. It just seems so hard to do so right now. He is too far away. Now I sound just wistfully pathetic. *gags*. Again I cling to blind hope that everything will magically sort itself out in time. Even I, shake my head to that. Denial it seems is the only way I can deal with this right now. Sometimes I wonder if I should even deal with it at all.
As afore mentioned, diplomas are fast approaching! This weekend mainly involves sleep, rampant studying, more sleep. I want to feel rested, confident, relaxed. Like we all wish I suppose. It seems that probably I'll still fall victim to the testing craze. Basically I go haywire, but in a good way. When I'm writing, time seems to fall away, nothing between me and the test, as I proceed to go through my test as fast, efficient, as sure as possible. I must look riduculous, I'm sure, since on my math final, the teachers kept on staring at me, as I machined my way through the test much like a robot assmebles an automobile. I really would like to tape myself, it would prove to be pretty comical. Joanna hasn't been at school for the past few days. If you are reading this, I hope you are well, in all sense of the word. Wouldn't want you sick for monday!
Speaking of monday, it is the day I find out if I got into the enrichment program or not. I'm really hoping I did. Ronca in his reccommendation letter actually made me sound fantastic. Possibly he feels guilty for being so condesending and pronouncing my name wrong for the first year and a half of school. It's sort of funny, now he makes it a point to pronounce all two syllibles of my name with perfect accuracy. It makes me wonder if he stays up at night practicing, lol.
current mood:  nerdy
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| Tuesday, January 21st, 2003
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6:06 pm
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the anchor lost twenty miles ago
the sun, no more.
i'd look to the stars
if i knew how to read them;
useless forms to me.
old faces machine driven,
unchanged, no different than yesterday
offer nothing for compensation.
so scattered,
it feels like every piece of me
lives a different life away from the other,
every feeling denying the last,
until none of it is true.
current mood:  listless
current music: Otherworld, Nobuo Uematsu
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5:35 pm
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I've lost all drive to pursue anything. Today was spent by dropping off my application to the dean before school, seminar at ten, walking, lunch, coffee with justin, conics seminar at one, walking, home. I feel utterly useless. Now I have five hours of homework to catch up on. Yay for my lazyness, not. It has been nice to spend some more time with everyone, I do admit, but I need to study for diplomas next week. Its like pulling teeth to get me to sit down and work. Bored I suppose, tired, my mind on other things. I need to focus, but its so damn hard.
current mood:  restless
current music: Rico, MGB
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| Monday, January 20th, 2003
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4:40 pm
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never cross any lines you never intended to cross. period. -- lesson #3871
current mood:  angry
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| Sunday, January 19th, 2003
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5:42 pm
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Monday draws nearer and nearer. Days and weeks just seem to meld together ... Today was very well, short. Last night me and my dad watched Minority Report with Tom Cruise. I thought is was excellent, although the last half an hour could have been stretched out to encompass a little more detail. They were building and building up to the climax, then when reached, was over. I found I had little time to completely understand what the hell happened. Rewinding ensued. Nevertheless, it finally was a movie what I could stand watching and not have to snore through the one of three obvious plot sequences that most films now build themselves upon. I got to bed really late which meant that I slept in big time, went shopping (finally bought some new boots), and have been working on my collage since. I realized I needed to take a break after I could no longer see straight. Gotta love rubber cement, not.
I drop my application for the science enrichment program on tuesday. I really hope I will get in, although I know that if I do, my time will have to be rationed more carefully all around. But it would be worth it.
current mood:  cold
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| Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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8:10 pm - It's not me its you!
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I am wanting to scream that. As Joanna pointed out today, this whole situation is not for me to resolve. Finally I am not the screwed up one, *cackles*. Seriously, I've covered any base that could be covered and realized that I am not the cause of this. I do not understand this sudden change because I am not the one with the issues! Because I am one to feel like I need to tie up all loose and questionable ends, this cloud will stay at the back of my mind, but I am relieved to finally realize that maybe I don't have to deal with it. I've just always been the one who had the pea soup, or the uncomfortability, or the hangups. It is odd that now, that that seems to be not the case. But then I think to myself if I am making something outta nothing as usual, but even that thoery seems to cave in. Well, I'll stop talking about this, as it is only going to confuse me more.
I heard that the United States has finally found some evidence of iraq's quote "hidden weapons" from CNN.com (US propaganda at its best) The weapons inspectors claimed to have found 11 empty chemical warheads. Wow, did they find used toilet paper lying around too? Really, seeing that they are empty, doesn't that just furthur provide more convincing evidence that Saddam is not lying. Are they going to find some expired food too which they claim is used to house the botulinum toxin which can be used as a chemical weapon. Lets all take a deep breath and repeat: farce farce farce farce farce. Lets just come up with any, not necessarily rational, excuse to deploy forces in the gulf, so I president bush can justify the hordes of tax dollars spent on mobilizing the military, for what has seemed to be months, and then take control of the oil fields in order to "reconstruct" war torn iraq. There is no possibility that he is doing this because his economy is failing, no, none at all. *gags*. Why is not the international community more concerned about north korea, who has admitted reconstruction of its nuclear program, rather than a nation who has shown to have nothing. Even if they did, why disarm them, so that President Bush can sleep better at night, knowing that he is a success in his daddy's eyes, and that he is maintaining his nations hegemony over every world affair. It begs me to question who exactly the axis of evil refers to. This whole thing makes me very very irate. As no one could tell, lol.
I cannot wait for the weekend, I'm tired of school. I just want it to go away, or at least function and process all of my thirty courses to a 90%. I could deal with that. Too bad things don't work that way. Gotta deal with it I suppose. Like everything. I feel very stretched, strength is hard to come by these days. I'm just tired of a lot of things, so much so they are becoming more of an annoyance and less of a factor to how I live my life. If that makes any sense. To better days then. *toasts with non-existant drink to monitor*
current mood: tired
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| Wednesday, January 15th, 2003
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8:59 pm - _blank_
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wonderment,
to how something can change
to resemble nothing it implied.
..why
seems fair;
if only it was apparent.
nothing attached to
obligate me
to feel any pain, remorse, torture
i thought it was clear
by the tone in my voice.
believing we agreed to let each other feel
not enough to get involved.
strangely walking away has never been so easy,
from what
still mysterious.
from who
even more puzzling.
current mood:  confused
current music: Weapon, MattGood
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7:56 pm - And so the tide turns....
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Done part A. So thrilled that I got a question about private enterprise for topic A. The topic B question was greek to me. I drove one more nail into the capitalist coffin. I hope the markers appreciate my point of view, either way, they will have to agree to my reasonable argumentation and merits. *finally takes a breath after two weeks* Now comes the fall out, for tommorow and friday my brain has officially shut down, only left to pursue essential activities.
My issues revolving mysterious person x, I have decided, as useless to contemplate. I feel I do not want to waste the time or the energy wondering without any hope of conclusion. No point in chasing my own tail. I just want the staus quo, hoping that in time, any issues will slowly fade away. Its come to the point where I do not care, my heart is not invested in any of this, whatever issues he has he can deal with. Everything was made clear in the beginning. I don't know why things had to go and get stupid and complex.
My art project is humming along. It is amazing that my muse still has the capacity to amuse me so, but after this who knows. I think I'll feel a bit sad after it is all over, my composition an obituary. But then I realize that I am only letting go of a dream, but sometimes that is more diffucult than giving up on a person. This arrangement has never really happened to me before, I'm curious to see how I will respond to it. Although it is worth it, my creativity will spawn something that will mean something to me.
Nothing much more to say. Again, its a brain issue. The words escape me. Until a better time then, lol.
current mood:  drained
current music: Love.Unlimited, PPK
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| Tuesday, January 14th, 2003
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9:21 pm - A cold war of both sorts...*tears hair out*
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I have my social diploma tommorow. Not ready at all. It is just part A, but worth 30% of my diploma mark. *prepares to implode*. This will turn into a pity rant. None of you pay any credence, as this is only for my own sanity. I want to crawl into a hole, sleep away the day, while my unknown twin completes my diploma without a mental collapse. *assumes the fetal position*. Well, about my thoery on how things get complicated, well as they inevitably do, they have. I think I'm at the point where I don't care what he thinks. It's just gotten very weird in a short amount of time. I question what I did or didn't do, what things are the way they are. But I realize when it comes down to it, I never cared in the first place, so why should I begin? But that in itself is a cop-out, because at least I wanted the friendship to be unhindered, which obviously was hoping for too much. Perhaps my puzzlement shall fade into a realization that there was either nothing there at all to be puzzled about, if there is I won't let it bring me down, and that it's not worth the time to worry about it. Probably the latter. Maybe my flaw is that I assume too much, or nothing at all. But then again, I'm always prone to overanalyze.
Well, more to write tommorow, when I'm not under so much diress, maybe things will be clearer. Who knows. Kill me now. ><
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Saturnine, SP
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| Saturday, January 11th, 2003
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8:15 pm - Black wings carry me so high...
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I love the smashing pumpkins! I guess that's how I've been feeling lately, stress and toruture has finally paid off, I made cut-off, making Ronca very upset I am sure. In the past three years he has wanted secretly for me to fail so that it would be payback for all of the smart-ass comments and relative constant performance scholastically. So far he has nothing to complain about.
It has been so long since I have had a chance to get on here and write. I have been neglecting everything in lieu of cut-off, and probably continue until my diploma and final is over on wednesday. Then I will have a break.
Everything else seems to be going well in my life. Christmas gave me the relaxation that I desperately needed, and the energy I had to have had to take so many tests last week. My art project is nearing completion, the effects of my muse waning, just as I desired. He served his purpose. My personal life is well...there's nothing I can really complain about. There is no special someone in my life, but I feel like I don't need one to feel validated anymore.
Right now I find it comical how life is completely evil. Without getting into too much detail, a certain painful situation from the past has re-asserted itself, I believe anyway. But this time I am not the victim, but possibly I have the capacity to be the villain in this case. Thinking back, maybe I shouldn't have been so judgemental, and it has made me understand what it was like for him. Maybe I am just taking things into a way in which I'd like to see them. I just hope things move and develop as I'd like. I don't want anymore complicated incidents to worry about.
Even though New Years was not a big deal, the new year does feel different in a way. A lot of emotional garbage just dissapeared leaving me fresh to start again with more travesty, heart-ache, but even those things are usually constants -- I want to fill my life with better times. How generic I know, but I'm trying to eliminate all the negatives in my life, be it certain people, memories, dreams that have only brought me sadness in thier illusion. I want to make this year a great year, the last of which I will spend with many of my friends. It seems that too much time has passed by. I am redefining my views on all fronts, friends, signifigant others, the world, my life. All of these things have many shades of grey, my black and white world slowly disintigrating with more experience and knowledge. Such is life I assume. The simplest time was the moment you were born, after that it grows geometrically more diffucult to define your life in relation to the world. It facinates me, among other things, each day I find something else to wonder about, something I can't explain. This is what drives me.
My new years resolutions were to dispense with any emotional negetivity, basically regrets and pain of the past which had been accumulating, and to try new things, new experiences. Not that i've made things any less complicated that is, but given the choice, I wouldn't anyway. Pea-soup was always a challenge, and what's life without a challenge? Enough lofty analyzation. Time to go, maybe I'll finally update CP. It's been awhile there too. Best wishes to everyone in the new year :) (although a bit late).
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Blissed and Gone, Smashing Pumpkins
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| Monday, December 23rd, 2002
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1:36 pm - The Holidays, and other idealizations.
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The pope was on his usual television broadcast the other day giving us all good tidings, wells wishes, and a severe thrashing. The thrashing revolved around how our attitudes about christmas have changed to reflect western consumerism and the speading disease of commercialism. I couldn't agree more. But is it that christmas is changing or we are people are getting less enthuised about giving? Or is it that we as a society have been living in a faceless, impersonal era where this sterilization has left us unemotional, distant, and to leave us buying gift certificates for our own family. When this holiday is about giving and celebration, we compare gifts like money, price tags as signs of love. Giving really transformed into competition. When the spirit leaves nothing is left but a shell, a shell of a holiday that is.
Best quote of the week: (from President/Ass-wipe Bush in his seasonal adress to the nation, about the war on Iraq) "We are soldiers in a war of compassion" I'd like to take a nice compassionate swing at his head with a lead pipe. I'm not gonna get into my anti-bush rant, because well, most of LJ would probably kill me.
I haven't really updated in awhile. Somethings in this past week have suprised me. It is interesting to find out how a groups dynamic subtley evolves. And how amazingly, there is someone who can hold a grudge longer than I. Even me, who trusts very few people, can be shown to be too trusting and too naive. Maybe I just believed that the whole idealized concept of friendship had some weight. How intelligently I place my faith. God knows I am no saint in this arena, but I've never participated in such flagrant hypocrisy.
I'm trying to think of a new New Years resolution. Maybe I'll have to forgive myself if it is not a positive one.
On to other things. I've never had a muse before and until now I've never really understood what they meant. This person as the ability to drive me creativly and emotionally. He drives me to capture all that he is because I cannot describe him, explain him, or understand why he does this to me. How one look can capture so many ideas, thoughts, I will never understand. We will never share the same breath and rightly so. As soon as I tried to make him real, he lost his charm. Before it has all subsided, I have to get my art project done. After he is all on paper he will be over. The idealization will fragment, and he will mean nothing. Now I understand how Leonardo had so much diffculty, but ultimate success in painting just a smile, and how that smile, in all its mishapen humanity was and is still able to enrapture artists and people alike.
Till tommorow perhaps.
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| Friday, December 6th, 2002
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8:03 pm - Time Sure Flies *grabs time out of air, clips wings*
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Well. This journal thing is turning into just a monthly affair. A lot to recap on, but I'm not going to because it would be too labourous. The main jist of it: Lots of work, cut-off is T minus three weeks, I'm tired, I feel sick, I want it all to just be done. Maybe it's time to hire those chimps to type for me...hmm..i wonder if they know how to manipulate equations....Things seem to be changing. Not really for the better. People are constantly changing, you just don't notice how much until you realize that what they say to you in typical conversation suprises the hell outta you. Then you check to see what day it is, if you had amnesia for the past three months. But to my knowledge, I haven't. Although, if I did I wouldn't remember it.
On another note, I can't wait for cut-off. Yes you heard me. I just want it to come, and I will be all done and I can take my damned diplomas and move on. I want to finish these courses already, as they are beginning to annoy me. Although this desire for completion shall take long hours of labour I WILL DO IT because I am tired of looking at it. I think I've travelled past the freak out of cut-off and diploma, because really, I feel as if I am enjoying it. How the chaos, once stressful, now seems to be wrought with laughter. Everyone believes that I am losing my mind. It feels fun if I am.
I hate how I think of the best things to say when they are six hours too late. In this I relate to this talk that I had with a friend. I hate that. *stupid side note
Next Thursday is my mom's birthday, so I'm planning to cook a special dinner for her because my dad will be out of the house for the evening. I think I'll have to check-out early so as to have everything ready by 5:30. Tommorow I have to go to the library for my social current affairs project and sunday I have more social to complete.
Has anyone been keeping up on this war on iraq stupidity? I really want to wring Bush's little texan neck. He makes me so incredibly irate with his global war on terror. Give it a break, really, and the only reason why he is getting involved in this war now is because:
a. His economy is in the crapper. What better way to boost the eco. but with a war, and also deflect attention.
b. His ego is still smarting over 9/11
c. He's a control freak and power hungry
d. He wants to control the world's oil reserves
e. He's the antichrist
f. He's attempting to become the only nation capable of nuclear and biochemical warfare so as to combine w/(e) and (d) to achieve his dominion over the world.
Why people do not see through his fake diplomacy and "peace" tactics is beyond me. Now he fired his economic board because they are unable to save the spiralling economy. Is it any wonder? (capitalist bastard).
Now I must go. My fingers are seizing from...well..i don't know, the cold perhaps? And Sarah, what a surprise to see you today, HILARITIES! Ta-ta
current mood: amused
current music: washing machine
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| Sunday, November 10th, 2002
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10:37 pm - The Past While
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Well, like the title states, the past while...Saturday I went to see Attack of the Clones on the IMAX at chinook. It was awesome, probably due to the superb sound and picture quality at the IMAX. I've never been to chinook before and I almost fell over laughing at thier theaterical display above the concession counters. If any of you have not seen this "marvel" of capitalist ingenuity, it is a sphinx head atop a flaming platform. All of a sudden, lasers, yes lasers, and fog roll out with ominous music. Then the whole platform lights up in a fireball. It reminded me of a flames game, which they too employ such lame efforts to capture people's amazement. I couldn't stop shaking my head. It felt like Las Vegas. Also on Satuday, my parents rented American Pie 2. I thought to myself, what a bad film to watch with your parents. It wasn't that bad, and they seemed to enjoy it. I tried to do work this weekend, but only accomplished 1/2 of Mixed Economies and some work on my webpage at cp. Tommorow I think I'l prep for my math midterm and do some art sketches. Why does the weekend go by so incredibly fast?
My life for that matter lacks any progress. Well, I shouldn't say that. I've grown more cynical, which makes me feel ancient and bitter. But by that alone, it has made me more confident in the way I approach things. What have I got to lose anyway anymore? Alas, everyday my heart breaks a little more. Seeing the things I can't reach, the dramatic poses executed by those who feel unrequited love. Like veryone I suppose, lol.
Side-note: I was doing clean up on my email accounts and found my old login for HSX; my imitation stock market site. I checked my balance and have over 2 million just in accumulated interest. Score. Time to go buy some more stocks.
On other news...well, still to come. Bear with me and my lack of excitement.
current mood: amused
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| Saturday, November 2nd, 2002
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6:13 pm
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Hmm...just been catching up on everyone's LJ's. Sounds like I've missed a lot. It has been awhile since I've updated this thing. Just been really busy, not enough time for anything I suppose. For that and my lack of time for everyone and my other commitments I am sorry. I'm being very selfish, I know, and I know I should MAKE the time, as much of a physical impossibility that is. I will try, that is all I can say, because I can feel the effect of some of my neglect, other than my self-inflicted isolation and obvious drifting from certain people.
It feels like I'm caught in a dream, drifting from one hazy, impressioned scene to another. Nothing seems to ground me anymore, so therefore left to move endlessly to some destination. I get up in the morning because it's routine, not because I have anything to get up to. My life has been reduced to a common denominator, working only through routine and expectation, rather than my own dreams, happiness, emotion, or interaction with society. On the outside it seems as if nothing has changed, but I feel a change. Developing so subtley over time, only now, subjected to such contrast in activity and value it is recognizably different. My heart breaks everyday, for all of the little travesties, the glances, the looks, the empty promises that they afford, never fulfilled at the end of the day. But that has always been a constant in my life. I have no rock, this itself is the only thing to keep me attached to the world, in an emotional sense. To bad that this has only brought me misery. Only around so many people do I feel so alone.
Enough wistful banter. I will be okay, and it is only life, and its natural that from time to time you must test your limits of tolerance, if only to expand them. I'll survive, and try to work through my slump, if that's what you'd call it. There are a few people I owe explanations, attention, and tolerance. Time it seems is not a solution to feelings or issues that should be resolved, and in ignoring them have festered into new problems. I must also be tolerant of the bond that some people share. A new marriage fades fast they say, when the passions are spent.
>>>>>>>
Now that I've disposed of the garbage that has been accumulating in my mind, on to other things. Halloween was okay. A lot of people dressed up at school. The funniest, was this guy's: He was inside of a box, decorated to look like a present. On it it said "TO: Women FROM: God". He he, LOSER! He got major boos in the caf. I went after school to Joanna's with Anna to watch movies, which was good, as her mom is a very good cook. Tommorow I get to go to Theatre Calgary again, this time the production is Bram Stoker's Dracula which was an awesome book. I taped the film version of it (1992) and watched it yesterday. Keanu Reeves (hearing Sarah boo, lol) was Jonathan Harker, Winona Rider was Mina, Van Helsing was played by Anthony Hopkins. It was quite a dissapointment from the novel, since it left out a lot, and the plotline seemed choppy. If I hadn't read the book, I probably would not know what was going on. Also, I don't know if the actual movie is like this or Bravo! itself, but the dialogue was very quiet and distorted so you really had to listen to what they were saying.
I'm also very glad that I took up yoga again, it has really helped with my stress levels and overall physical shape. I reccomend it to everyone, just try it, it's a good workout and really strengthens your breathing and control/will power.
Well I feel I've taken up way too much webspace with this selfish and overall useless post. Just hope all of you are alright, and I hope to catch up with you all soon perhaps.
current mood: cold
current music: Aeroplane Flies High, Smashing Pumpkins
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| Monday, October 28th, 2002
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4:31 pm
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I hate today. I wish I had a gatlling gun capable of obliterating today and welcoming in tommorow who will be fearful to cause even more problems. *throws a chair through window* *gets out ductape in repairs*. Usually I do not condone self-pity, or unconstitutional amounts of whining but I rarely ever indulge in much of either. I will save myself the bother, and your apparent bordom with what may come by just admitting that I lost it today. I'm losing it. Well, not completely, but enough to let this stress effect my mood and behavoir. I'm not behind in work, just I can feel that if I let it all go, then little by little it will snowball down the hill into a huge catastrophe at the bottom. I'm trying to hold on to this little beast but, it is getting harder and harder. I know people do not intentionally do things to spite me, although I may try to blame it on them, but little by little they contribute to an ever increasing horrid state of affairs. Everything is caving in. I need to get my post-secondary plans in order, keep school work moving, fit in excercise somewhere, driver's ed this year, things for myself, like learning HTML, reading, time with friends, time with family, time to myself to think, time to devote to someone else or another (?), time to breathe, time to sleep, you get the picture. NOT ENOUGH FREAKIN TIME!! Maybe if I think hard enough, I can convince the universe to slow time, or at least slowen the rotation of the earth, so that a day would last longer. Other than those wonderfully plausible ideas, I can't really think of how I'm going to accomplish everything in my life that i set out to do. What it all comes down to is that I cannot do everything, I have to cut out somethings, which I hate to do, because usually that means spending less time with others, and more on studying which I hate to do, but must be done. The only thing that is keeping me from giving up is pressure from my parents and my own fear of failure. The only things keeping me together equate to my yoga routine, my musical sleep on the 20, and the ignorant realization that maybe I can get through it all. But most of that is internalized, there really is nobody else there that is THERE for me. Which is sad, but of my own doing. I chronically push everyone away, with my drive to work, my shyness, my lack of understandable communication, my tone, my behavior, these four walls that I've put up around me. I hate it, and I hate being alone in all of this, since nobody wants or even cares to understand. Everyone hates a whiner, I know. And I've probably ailienated a few more people who cared to read this. Whatever, it was bound to happen. It doesn't really change anything. I'm still alone.
Now to insert some magically happy verse of ignorant bliss, to which you can say: hey she's not really that sad at all, no she's just a whiner, well she's back to her old self again, good, now I don't have to think about how I'm going to explain to the cops her motivations in killing a well known art teacher. *sigh* silly girl...stressed over nothing, *insert mary poppins theme*. la la la lllaaallaaa!!
I have no clue why I'm putting this up, ... my favorite final fantasy X clip
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| Thursday, October 24th, 2002
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5:54 pm - I'm flirting with insanity.
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Some people would call me a big flirt, but not in the usual sense. I flirt with insanity. We are old buddies, sometimes we meet again, and get involved, and one thing leads to another, and I become insane. I don't like insanity, but it seems he likes me. Now insanity's friend paranioa seemed to be jealous of our relationship. I'm cheating on insanity with paranoia. Yes I admit it. I am a horrible person with no morals. Enough of that dry analogy...
Although you may think now I'm two eggs short of a dozen, let me assure you that I am not crazy of yet. No, only on the cusp. Where is the line between paranioa and the truth? Where do we distinguish that something outrageous, that seems to make sense, can actually be true? Or is it that it is only brought into existance by a feeble, weak mind who fabricates hope for the security of her mind and heart. When every insinct is telling you that something is true, how can you deny it. But by accepting it, would mean that your world will be tragically effected. So what do I do? Accept it, and deal with it or continue to be pulled both ways? Probably the only reason this is bothering me so much is that I am very vulnerable right now, because I'm slightly stressed out. This I believe is making me cling on to any whisper of security and comfort. I lack support in any shape or form, which makes me very scared, because I might look to the wrong places, in this I mean; well it doesn't matter. I think the reason why I am so torn is because my mind is trying to protect me from my foolishness and ignorance. I easily romanticize things, and by doing so, subject myself to an idealized view of the situation.
Right now the situation is stagnant. But I truely do not know how to handle it anymore. I've tried to forget, replace, become angry, justify my feelings with logic and reason. Well not all things fit into my purely rationalized world. The root of all this, seems to lie either in my need for security and support. Logic dictates that I should work through those problems, without introducing this new one. But alas, not everything is so cut and dry when it comes to dealing with emotions. Can one truely ignore what is inside? Am I somehow denying myself of fulfillment by constantly listening to my head, and ignoring my heart? Maybe this is why I never take a chance on anything, my mind finds that by doing so is highly irrational and crazy, so out of fear, protects itself. But when that well built up security fails, is it more irrational to listen to the mind, which has brought you greif, or to your feelings? I'm no closer to an answer than I was fifty sentances ago, and after boring everyone to death about this. You'd think such thoughtful introspection would be somehow fruitfull. Maybe I should throw rationality aside, and embrace insanity once and for all, and forget about paranioa, as we were never that good together anyways. Rambling considered it must be apparent that I'm hopelessly confused. Things , like always will sort themselves out in time, I trust. (?)
current mood:  crazy
current music: Untitled, D'Angelo
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